Call to Action!! Support The War at Home Foundation!

The war at home - if only someone knew

2 hrs · 

As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, I know that we went back too many times to mention, back into a situation of abuse and the cycle that we knew would inevitably put us back into a homeless situation. We knew that it was just a matter of time until we were once again abused and rendered homeless. That is why we developed the War at Home Foundation, we wanted to give people a stepping stone to freedom. As victims, we leave, we know the cycle and we have become aware of what is happening, but then what? As survivors we are left with PTSD, many times we are unemployed, being bombarded by the abuser still and we cannot see clearly. Our foundation aims to provide that clarity, it aims to bridge the gap between being a victim, becoming a survivor and evolving into a thriver. We can only do this with the help of people who can afford to donate to our cause. There are people throughout the world who are being forced into homelessness, and back into abuse, these are the people we need to help. Our initiatives are as follows:

To support those in domestic violence shelters, we have gained a commitment from a retailer to donate food and clothing to shelters that we have affiliated ourselves with. Our eventual aim is to build safe havens/retreats throughout the world offering shelter to victims and support groups to survivors.

To embark on an intensive awareness campaign through schools from January 2017, we have a commitment to do monthly campaigns from 12 schools, so far next year.

We have developed a "KEEPING YOU SAFE KIT" which is a pack of vital items that someone will need when leaving an abusive situation, it also includes vital pointers on a safe plan for leaving.

We are committed to raising awareness surrounding the court system and the pitfalls that a survivor will face and we are recruiting domestic violence advocates throughout the world who can lend a hand of support to those who are facing court issues and need a supportive hand.

The only way we can fight the scourge of narcissistic abuse is through supporting those who are being forced back and through a consistent campaign of awareness and "red flag" identification.

Please help us give those a voice who are voiceless.

If you donate a minimum of ZAR 150, which is around US$10, you will be moving us forward to reach our objectives around and save lives.

The website has been redesigned to make the donations easier as there was a problem last time we called for donations, nobody could donate, it's very self-explanatory, all you need to do is click on www.wahfoundation.co.za, them click on donate and the rest is easy...... the winner of the 500 US$ will be announced here and on the website on the 1 December 2016. It doesn't matter where you are in the world, we will ensure that you receive the prize.

Please help us to make a difference in the world. Please make a difference in someone's life, IT'S TIME xxx

www.wahfoundation.co.za

Dear Narcissist Problems: "Enlightened"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

I work with the local domestic violence advocacy group to help my children and I deal with their father and my ex. Our counsellors have expressed that in the addition to his abuse he displays behavior characterized by narcissistic personally disorder. Of course, they cannot make an official diagnosis without him as their client, but from books I have read to help cope there may as well be a picture of him. I stumbled across this sight yesterday and I can't believe how your posts and statements hit the nail on the head. It's a struggle to deal with this and seeing your posts brings some relief knowing I'm not losing my mind and there are people out there like this. I just wish law enforcement and child protection groups could be more educated in recognizing this type of behavior. The narcissistic is adept at putting on the act and getting away with crime. Thank you.

Regards,

“Enlightened”

Dear “Enlightened”,

            I would like to say Kudos to your local Domestic Violence Advocacy group because they even considered that you could be being abused by a narcissist!  Give those women and men a medal!  As you have probably realized by now you are one of the very few people who found their way without doing that infamous google search looking for answers.  This is exactly why I do what I do here because not many people do know or have heard of Narcissistic Abuse.  This traps victims in situations of abuse for YEARS because they start to believe the problem really is them after years of the narcissist eroding their self-esteem and perception of reality.  Sana Loue, J.D., Ph.D., M.P.H., wrote an article on the legal implications of emotional and psychological abuse which stated; “Emotional abuse, a label often used synonymously with the terms emotional maltreatment, psychological battering, psychological abuse, and soul murder, has been called “the most elusive and damaging of all types of maltreatment for a child” and represents “the core issue and most destructive factor across all types of child abuse and neglect” (Loue 2005).  Here we have one of the most destructive forms of abuse and there is little recognition of it in the healthcare field or legal systems.  The article further illustrates that “The very elusiveness, however, of the identification of emotional and psychological abuse casts doubt on the accuracy of available data relating to its occurrence, and it is likely that the incidence and prevalence of such abuse are subject to significant underreporting”(Loue 2005).  So not only is this type of abuse very difficult to identify victims are also not reporting it.  The ones who have reported it are left feeling disbelieved, discouraged, and shattered.  This is how and why many of us in this community have reached out into the public to share our stories and offer support to others living through hell.

 I know you didn’t really ask a question but you said something that I would really like to highlight “seeing your posts brings some relief knowing I'm not losing my mind and there are people out there like this. I just wish law enforcement and child protection groups could be more educated in recognizing this type of behavior.” (Enlightened 2016).  Dealing with a narcissist we know they will destroy our lives and the way in which they do it leaves us looking insane, unstable, irrational, and the list goes on.  While we try to maintain any resemblance of being the normal rational human beings we are once a narcissist gets their hands on someone who has control over your life such as a lawyer, police officer, or judge it usually means game over for us.  Some of us have watched our therapists be manipulated against us through couples counseling and then that same therapist will be utilized for court.  Some narcissists will call child protective services on us and then play the role of caring adult in our children’s lives to manipulate the state against us resulting in the loss of our children. It was seen that “definitional issues further compound the difficulties associated with the identification, documentation, prosecution, and prevention of emotional and psychological abuse” (Loue 2005).  It’s no wonder that nothing is being done in the legal field to prosecute abusers and protect victims as we can’t expect laws to be written when there is no clear definition on what it means to have your soul murdered.

 What is my point here?  It is essential that when you find out what narcissistic abuse is and that you have been abused you need to spread awareness of this type of abuse.  More than that, as many of us do, go out of our ways to support each other when we see a victim getting abused further by people in positions of power or authority because they don’t fully understand or recognize what emotional or psychological abuse looks like.  You will see many survivors going to court to show support, campaigning for funds for court cases, starting petitions, or simply blogging to get the word out.  It’s imperative that we take on this responsibility, when ready, so that narcissists do not get away with their crimes.  You do not need a special degree or a certification to become an advocate for victims of Narcissistic Abuse.  All that you need is your voice, your story, and your passion.  The more who get involved with this effort the sooner we will see legislation and policies being passed that not only recognize this type of abuse but also the prosecution of the abusers.  The way to do this is to just get out there and get involved by finding and joining others with a similar cause which is typically experience specific.  Good luck to you on your healing journey!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

 Reference

Loue, S. (2005). Redefining the emotional and psychological abuse and maltreatment of children: legal implications. Journal Of Legal Medicine, 26(3), 311-337 27p.

Dear Narcissist: Suicide Queen

Dear Narcissist Problems,

I’m looking for a post about how narcissists want their victims to suicide. Was it shared here and if could you share the post again?

Sincerely,

Suicide Queens

  Dear Suicide Queen,

     You have come to the right place in regards to discussions taking place on the phenomenon of narcissists pushing their victims towards suicide.  I regret to inform you but in many cases I believe that this would be their ultimate victory.  For a narcissist they spend their lives destroying people mentally, spiritually, physically, and financially.  I wouldn’t say that a simple narcissist’s ultimate goal would be to push us to suicide as they seem to enjoy creating devastation in other ways.  They love to see us struggle, they manipulate us into believe we are over reacting or down right crazy, they enjoy toying with our minds.  If we no longer exist then the benefits we gave them would be gone.  I would rather reserve this situation of manipulating another into suicide to the narcissistic sociopath.  With these individuals they have total domination over us.  Narcissists love to torment us but a Narcissistic Sociopath wants to see our true demise.  This doesn’t come in the form of a person being financially ruined and homeless with no friends or family to lean on.  For the Narcissistic Sociopath the ultimate goal really would be the demise in the form of death.  However, they won’t typically do it themselves they want others to do it for them.  This is perpetrated by the systematic murdering of the victims self, their mentality, and reality.  In a book written by Scott M. Peck titled People Of the lie he described a situation of a family.  There was a mother, father, and two children.  I won’t go into the specifics of the narcissistic abuse but the gest of what took place is that the oldest son was push to commit suicide.  That following Christmas they gave the gun the older brother had killed himself with to the youngest son.  The reality of this is unspeakable but here is a short quote for that book which explains what you were asking very well:

We come now to a sort of paradox. I have said that evil people feel themselves to be perfect. At the same time, however, I think they have an unacknowledged sense of their own evil nature. Indeed, it is this very sense from which they are frantically trying to flee. The essential component of evil is not the absence of a sense of sin or imperfection but the unwillingness to tolerate that sense. At one and the same time, the evil are aware of their evil and desperately trying to avoid the awareness. Rather than blissfully lacking a sense of morality, like the psychopath, they are continually engaged in sweeping the evidence of their evil under the rug of their own consciousness. For everything they did, Bobby's parents had a rationalization-a whitewash good enough for themselves even if not for me. The problem is not a defect of conscience but the effort to deny the conscience its due. We become evil by attempting to hide from ourselves. The wickedness of the evil is not committed directly, but indirectly as a part of this cover-up process. Evil Originates not in the absence of guilt but in the effort to escape it.

Peck, M. S. (1983). People of the lie: The hope for healing human evil. New York: Simon and Schuster.

 

The short answer, if I can find this post or not, yes a narcissist will push their victims into committing suicide.  Not only will they do this but they have created the illusion that the victim is and always has been unstable while leaving out the facts of all the deeds they have done to push their victim into that state of utter despair.  I hope this clears some things up for you.

As you are seeing there are Webpages popping up all over the place in recent years (THANK GOD for all you survivors who push forward as guiding lights).  If you stick around enough you will notice a common theme, these pages do not have to or need to be run by professionals i.e. doctors or psychologist.  What I found the best healing in was the story of others.  After a quick search I found this article from a Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/NarcMindGames/?fref=nf referring to Narcissists/suicide which stated:

"Narcissistic Abuse pushes the victim to their lowest feelings of human worthlessness, causes resultative trauma symptoms of emotional and physical paralysis, depression, confusion that leads to their total human dysfunction, destruction and leading to suicidal ideation. Suicide is often the only way out for an uneducated targeted victim of narcissistic abuse who does NOT recognize they are being abused by a pathological relationship narcissist. The victim does not realize s/he is being slowly murdered by the narcissists psychological behavioral applications of torture that NOBODY in society will recognize and validate, society does NOT see the narcissistic predator! The narcissist achieves his/her victim’s fatality by causing the suicide (psychological homicide) without getting any blood on their hands. This result is the ultimate victory for a NPD/ASPD (psychopath), s/he is in control!!"

 ----Narcissistic Mind Games of ASPD - Psychopath Violence - Victim Syndrome

I could go on and on about this topic for days and years, as I already have with no end in sight.  If you were wondering: Will/can a narcissist push a person to suicide?   The answer is yes.  Not only is the answer yes it just might be their ultimate goal so surround yourself with others who have been there and can sit here like I am today screaming from the rooftops THESE MONSTERS EXISTS SO PLEASE SAFE YOURSELF BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!!!!!!!!!!

  Regards,

 Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems "Flew the Coup"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

I need some advice.  I am in the middle of a divorce with my abuser and he has essentially "romanced" everyone I know into thinking that I am the wrong doer. He is so suave in that way that he has convinced my attorney that I have done wrong. I'm not sure what do or if there is some way that I could point my attorney to the "idea" of my abusers narcissistic ways without coming across as slandering him.  He has convinced everyone including my attorney, (somehow) that I had an affair and that I left for no reason. Everyone thinks our life was "perfect" and because I'm on disability for several mood disorders, he has my attorney convinced that I am out of my mind. He continues to track my cell phone (though my carrier is not sure how he keeps doing it).  He used me as a tool to abuse my son who is now almost 20. And though my son hated him over the last 12 years he has now turned his back on me and sides with my husband who is not his biological father.  I always tried to defend my son and stick up for him. But my husband would wear me down with constant arguments telling me how bad of a mother I was and if I didn't listen my son would turn out to be a "hood rat" as he called it.  He used to be a deputy in a neighboring county and I found out recently that he was fired because he lied on his application.  I tried to hide in another state and had all of my records redacted so that he would not know my location. But he told my attorney exactly where I live. That's how I found out he has been tracking my phone.  I guess my attorney now assumes that I'm loopy and told him where I was going. We were together for 12 years and I was placed on disability 10 years ago. Update: I've reached out to my attorney and had a little heart to heart with him. I guess I just jumped the gun on his responses to me. He was very understanding and said that his suggestion to settle for less was an effort to keep me from having to endure anymore emotional trauma. He had seen how drastic my demeanor/behavior changed when being faced with my ex-husband (soon to be ex-husband). He knew I had been through some bad things with my ex.

Sincerely,

“Flew the Coup”

Dear “Flew the Coup”,

     I’m glad to hear everything turned out well with your attorney but have you considered possibly getting a consult with a few other attorneys to see what they say?  It is a conflict of interest if your soon to be Ex is having conversations about you with your attorney.  I’m glad to hear that things are coming to a close for you. As for your son, there is not much you can do about the situation because he is an adult so all you can do is respect his decision.  I wouldn’t even bring it up in conversation because that will make you look like the bad guy.  Try your best to leave him out of it.  Narcissists are masters of manipulation and I wouldn’t doubt if he was buying your sons support or simply making up lies and passing them off as truth.  I found that when you are in the midst of a smear campaign there is little you can do to protect yourself from the gossip because people rarely ask for your version.  Keep documenting the crazy and file police reports if need be.  I would contact your local court house and see a victims advocate about the E-stalking.  In my own experience, the police won’t do much unless you have been harmed even if you have a P.O. against the nut case.  The good news is that laws are beginning to change and this type of harassment is starting to become more recognized.  You just might get lucky and find someone who is willing to step up to the plate and help you protect yourself against electronic stalking.  The first steps I would take is throwing that cell phone in the garbage and getting a prepaid with no paper trail back to you.  Get a P.O. Box and just wait it out.  I would love to help more with the electronic stalking but I’m finding myself in the same situation where nobody will help unless they show up on my doorstep.  It’s amazing to me because we get stalking orders so that our stalkers stop following us and tormenting us but we find little protection when they find our locations electronically and just have to wait in fear until they show up.  If any of the readers does have a stalking order and police took electronic violations seriously please message the page and let us know what happened!  Good Luck to you!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems "Falsely Accused"

 Dear Narcissist Problems,

So, he gas lighted me for 5 years. Including moving things in the house. He tried to make me think I was losing my memory and ability to make sound judgements. He lied and denied things he said or did, that I saw. He convinced his coworkers that I'm a control freak, convinced his family I'm unstable, discredited me to my friends, made me look like an incapable parent, projected his feelings that I'm a bad person down my throat. So I am getting a divorce. My daughter told me her dad tickles her vagina. I told the therapist. Cps was called. He is so good that even with the other incidents of abuse and my daughter’s symptoms they dropped the case. He made it look like I was spinning information and that I'm crazy. His therapist thinks I have serious issues and need a psych evaluation in court. His lawyer thinks I'm nuts and his parents won't talk to me. The worst part... My lawyer decided not to take my case, she referred me to another lawyer, and he won't take my case. I called my original lawyer with no response from her. He's taking me to court and I have no representation and am forced to sign on papers I don't know how to read... Legal jargon. We had sex three times in 6 years, he ignored, rejected, humiliated, projected, used porn and refused his wife, lied constantly, double standards, got his needs met by our 5 yrs. old daughter. He provoked me constantly, threatened to call the cops on me, and stonewalled. No closure, no conflict resolution. Denied all his abusive behaviors or blamed me, used dating sites... Which he denies, he lived a double life while smearing me to his people... He also kept me away from those people. He had more contempt and disrespect then I knew was possible. He has another personality for the public. My daughter and I both had PTSD, but I can't get a lawyer.

Sincerely,

“Falsely Accused”

Dear “Falsely Accused”,

One of the most difficult situations we will ever be in with a Narcissist is when we are forced into a courtroom battle that involves our children.  Since starting this page I have heard from numerous people who have described your exact situation and this is why I want and need more people like yourself to write the page and let us know what is going on in our family court system today.  Unfortunately, these people are very good at making us appear to be crazy to the point that lawyers do not want to represent us.  The case is not easily shut and closed as we spend months and years dealing with false allegations and being court ordered into psychiatric evaluations or worse actually being forced into a mental institute based solely on the false allegation.  What we have to say about our experiences with the family court system is met with disbelief as normal people do not believe that the courts or a governmental agency is able to remove our human/civil rights with zero evidence of wrongdoing.  Guess what folks, it is happening.  Every. Single. Day.  Until we bring an awareness to this situation we are going to get lost in the system and have our lives stripped away from us by the family court system.  The way it works is that a false allegation will be made against an otherwise healthy/normal person usually to child protective services.  Child Protective Services can then remove the parent rights of the falsely accused based on little evidence of wrong doing and hearsay.  The parent is then left to defend themselves against these allegations and usually forced to sign papers before court without understanding exactly what they are signing.  A parent will assume that they are agreeing to evaluations with the idea that this will prove that they are innocent of the false allegations but what happens when that paper is signed is the exact opposite.  The signature is then used as proof that the parent falsely accused has admitted guilt of wrong doing; when they were under the impression that they were trying to prove their innocence by cooperating with the government.  Further, the standard of evidence for a family court case is lower than the standard used in the criminal court systems.  Also, there is no right to a trial by a jury of our peers.  The family court system is becoming a breeding grounds for abusers to father abuse their victims and we need to stand up against this injustice!  Nothing good comes from secrets and the family court system is a very secret affair.  The only option we have is to maintain our innocence, keep speaking the truth, research laws, and take our own cases Pro Se.  I know it is not advisable to represent yourself in a court of law but when we are given no choice this is what we must do in order to prevail.  If we sit and do nothing, not one person will care that we are not represented, and that is including the judge.  The next hearing I suggest asking the judge for a lawyer and request a continuance.  Become very familiar with your state laws, case law, and be prepared to fight for yourself.  Document the crazy and bring that documentation with you to court!  Document dates, times, what was said etc.  Document even the little things.  Do not be afraid to contact the police and report the crazy.  Just keep this thought in mind when you feel you are being too hard on crazy “They would do this to me and worse”.  Many times we have trouble calling the police when the crazies are acting crazy because we feel we are being irrational or hypersensitive and it will make us look worse in court.  The more people you can get involved with the witnessing of this abuse the better for you besides the obvious of protecting yourself and your children.  Let his lawyer think what they want, let his parents think what they want, and let the whole damn town think what they want.  The only thing that matters is that you keep speaking the truth even if your voice shakes and even if you are standing alone looking like a lunatic because nobody believes you.  If you lose your children to this monster, appeal.  Then you continue appealing until your case is heard in federal court because THAT is how laws are changed.  Do not flinch at their judgements but stand strong and know that you are not alone!  If we continue to spread awareness of this situation it will force our law makers to take a closer look!  Good Luck to you!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems, where do I ask my question, I need advice! "Losing my Mind"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Hi, I just currently was added to the group, but I have no idea how it works. I really, really need some advice. I was casually talking to a friend about my issues on my husband, (I never talk to anyone about it) and she pointed me to a site that promotes you for advice and I really need some before I just run away. Can you help me?

 I really need some advice but I do not want my friends to see my request. The advice site you published is public and no way to post private. Can you help me before I lose my mind? I was describing my dilemma to a friend and she suggested I come here because she HAD a boyfriend in the past she is still damaged by the narcissistic way he treated her. I am losing my mind and my heart. I do not want a 3rd failed marriage because I can’t figure it out. I do love him, but I cannot do this anymore. Can you please help me with advice?? Or point someone to me please???

To start... I had no idea that of the reason of my anguish about my husband until I was explaining my unhappiness to a friend. I thought him to just be a flirt that would fail me eventually by putting himself into a situation to cheat. The disrespect was often. I knew only a matter of time and I would be another failure. Marriage #3. Can any marriage survive this? Is my initial question. I am not sure my heart can even after talking to his mother that sees it too. Help? The help I need us to emotionally survive it while also not upsetting everyone. Ideas? Please I need them. I am at the verge of breaking down to something I cannot come back from.

Sincerely,

Losing my Mind

Dear “Losing my mind”,

     I know this can be a little confusing with how to have a question posted anonymously so here is the link for the Narcissist Problems Facebook Page.  Please message the page with any questions and the link is here:

https://www.facebook.com/NarcissistProblems

After sending your question into the page I will spend time reviewing your question and then building an appropriate reply.  This may take a few days if I need more details or information and time to give full thought as to how I will respond.  Most of the time if I need more details about the situation I will send a message to ask.  

Now that we got that out of the way lets focus on the real reason you came here.  You have 2 failed marriages and are working on the 3^rd.  I would love to give you advice on how to cope with your situation but I am not sure I really understand the situation fully.  I understand that there has been infidelity, and I am not discounting this but in order to point you in the right direction I would need to know what is going on that is making you feel you are going to lose your mind besides the cheating.  What are your daily interactions like?  Do you have some examples of behavior patterns or how you speak to each other or what you actually argue about?  Why do you feel he is cheating on you or are you assuming he has been cheating on you?  Is it possible that you have been in such fear of infidelity that you might possibly be sabotaging your own marriage?  I don’t want you to have another failed marriage either and if I were in your shoes I would probably be freaking out as well.  My first suggestion, based on 3 marriages, is to ask you to examine your life, specifically your childhood.  How did your parents interact with you and what are your relationships.  Were your parents emotionally or physically abusive?  I’m asking about this because it seems that many people developed relationships in adulthood that follow similar patterns experienced with family in childhood. The big question here is why do you continue to develop relationships that fall apart?  My second and last suggestion is to seek therapy.  You have a pattern of failed relationships in your life and if you want to fix this you are going to need to find out why and then come up with solutions.  There is no quick fix when it comes to change and while I would love to help you figure this out I am not qualified to do so.  Can a marriage survive infidelity?  That would depend on multiple factors but the important thing to ponder is, do you want it to?  I know there are a lot of questions here and less advice but I can’t assume what’s going on in your life or in your marriage.  In my own life I have learned that I need to build solid and trusting foundations with those I let into my small circle.  I tend to my close relationships like I would tend to a garden.  I take care of them.  I remove weeds when necessary.  I pay attention to toxins or parasites that may be killing my garden and proceed with research and knowledge.  The foundation of any relationship is going to begin at home with you.  If you do not love or take care of yourself you will have a really hard time convincing others to.  Good luck on your journey and if you have any more questions please send it to the first link above.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Highway To Hell"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

If you post this or some part of it - please don’t mention my name. Thank you In February this year, I met a guy on line. We started to talk - he suggested texting, although I was not quite into it we soon started to text a lot 10, 20 texts a day. He told me a few years ago he has been diagnosed with bipolar - but takes medication, and waits for DBT therapy. He said it in context of me working as a support worker in psychiatric services. Before we even had a chance to meet he had cancelled meeting me twice as one time he "got the flu" another time "he had to stay longer at work". He is a very good looking guy, with an excellent dress sense. Even before we met he was frequently asking me questions such as "how are you feeling? What are you up to today?” When we meet - he mirrored my emotions and dreams entirely. Now I see it clearly but at the time - I just thought I meet a really kind and honest guy. He told me a tragic story about his mum commuting suicide and him getting in to foster care, it was odd thing for a first date - but as we already discussed mental health - I didn't think much of it. After we meet he texted me even more, starting making plans for few months ahead - like it would be certain we will be together. He mentioned his exes and described one as being "immature" and another as "being an abusive cheat". He texted me every day from noon till midnight. It was difficult to keep up. I felt that it was "too good to be true" such a handsome guy appeared to be so much into me, but then he seemed to prefer to text me or call me to see me. He has cancelled our plans several times, always giving some "plausible reason" - "work, distressed friend, illness”. It felt it wasn’t right so I told him " I really start to like you, but you keep cancelling on me I feel you are not that much into me, otherwise you would make an effort to see me". He reassured me and said "I will do my best to change it, you are lovely girl, and it is my job to make you feel happy and safe". He appeared to be stressed when I suggested to break it up before it will get too serious. In total we went four times - dating for a month. He asked to be exclusive. We spent hour’s texting. He showed me things he was into - even found me shoes he liked. He told me he had a difficult past - stealing, knife fights, self-harm, but he doesn't do anything like that anymore. Now works in addictions helping homeless people. He didn't push for sex. On our four date we had sex - but just after finishing his phone started to ring, and he run away promising he will see me after two days. Next day he started texting he can’t see me coz his friend is unwell with depression, I wasn't happy with it, he asked to see me after the weekend (as I was working weekend). We continued texting. Tuesday he said he "feels ill and two of his exes started talking to him again - and he wasn’t too happy with it" I said "if both of them are so into you - make them fight the winner can keep you". He said he doesn't want any of them. Wednesday I said I need to talk to him, he said he will get home very late - 12.30 pm and that he feels I guilt trip him about not seeing me - which makes him unhappy and that “I wouldn't have slept with you if I wouldn’t want to see you”. I was tempted to say that we didn’t "sleep together” we "had a 10 minute f*ck session, and I had to check if he didn't leave any cash behind as I felt so cheap after". But I left witticism and waited for him to call me after work. He texted me as promised. It was 12.30 am asked if I still need him to call. I replied "yes" then he didn't call, so I wrote "you must be tired as you don’t call me let’s talk. Tomorrow". He didn’t reply. Next day I woke up around 8 am thinking I am getting played, and that he doesn't even care enough to reply. I wrote " I texted you yesterday waited for your call, I must admit I have fell for you it is pathetic I know but I see you don’t have feelings for me and don t even want to end it in a civil way, wish you good luck”. Then around noon I got a reply “what are you talking about? I didn’t get any texts from you – you didn’t reply to me so I went to bed, and stop being rude and invent issues where there are none – I can call you now if you like”. We spoke 20 min mostly with him telling me how overworked he is, how everyone relies on him, and how he “spreads himself thinly between friends, family and seeing you” Then he said “you made your choice about us – I can’t stop you, although I don’t want to end”. He suggested seeing each other after the weekend, and I agreed. When we finished talking I felt uneasy - “why would he say I am rude? why would he say he didn’t get the texts?, am I not important enough to see me on the day? “So I looked at his Facebook to calm myself down – see nothing dodgy goes on – and then I see him tagged on a picture with a girl – her cover photo. She was wearing the shoes he showed me that was it for me, I felt hurt. I wrote “I looked at your Facebook, as always full of girls commenting on his selfies, you have been out with another girl, I can’t be in competition with others – and she wears the shoes you showed me, I give up”. He first replied with “she is a friend, shoes were a gift – don’t be a child” but then he called me and shouted at me “you have a vendetta against me! I am tired of proving myself to others and you! Leave me alone as I have life to live” then hung up not waiting for my response. I was shocked, didn’t know what to think, nobody ever treated me like that. Then he started writing things like “you make drama out of nothing, I have a right to have friends, as you do. You should apologize to me – you think I am an idiot – stupid enough to date multiple people and plaster Facebook with it?” Then he defriended me on the Facebook. I couldn’t understand what he is on about. It didn’t feel right. I snapped and wrote “I don’t think you are stupid, but hell messed up. What do you want me to apologize? Shame you don’t want to be mates. I will speak to you later, as I am busy”. It felt really bad. He said “Nope don’t want to be your friend, not after what you said” As it felt bad, and I thought that a guy who would care for me wouldn’t act like that, I thought to leave this situation. Next day at evening he texted “ Will you apologize for the things you said yesterday as it hurt a lot” I said “if anything can get better we need to talk in person, maybe I don’t want it to be over yet” I said it coz I wanted a proper conversation and thought he will not see me otherwise. He wrote” When I was 19 a girl died in my arms, that is why I was alone for so long I was hurting, why would I lie to anyone, why would I hurt anyone? Too old for BS games” I read this and it got me creeped out – how dare he play me with a dead body? Truth or not, doesn’t matter – using pity or whatever was that – dead girlfriend - didn’t make me feel safe. I didn’t reply. Next day, he wrote things like “right, if you want to talk you can come to see me near my house for two hours on Tuesday. Yes or no. Answer would be nice as I know you are reading this”. I didn’t reply. Then he was calling left the voicemail, same stuff but sounded a bit nicer. I didn’t reply. This is a bit long – but I wanted to give you full the picture, it finished in April and I still hurt. I went NC, and I stooped myself from looking him up online. When I am low I think about contacting him, but I know that he only would try to manipulate me or shout at me, or be mean in another way. And the thought of contacting him goes away – when I am happier. I don’t understand – how I got so involved is such a short time? or why he wanted me to fall for him? The guy is very good looking so he wouldn’t have a trouble with casual sex, and he knows it. Why he would go out of his way to text and call a girl who wouldn’t matter to him? How I can get over him sooner? Some friends understand, some say “you got played, shame but it is life”. I just need some kind of hope that I will feel better, and that I didn’t mess it up. That is the end.

Sincerely,

“Highway to Hell”

 

Dear “Highway to Hell”,

     There are so many things going on with this guy that I don’t even know where to begin.  Let me say this first: THANK GOD THE RELATIONSHIP ENDED QUICKLY!!!!!!  I think this guy is a step above a narcissist, he may actually be a psychopath!!!  The circular argument that he created and then blamed you for is the classic narcissistic ploy to keep you on the defense and discrediting your feelings, wants, and needs leaving you apologizing for his infidelity!  The thing that steps this whole situation up a notch is the fact that when he was losing control over you and the situation he brings up the dead girlfriend.  I’m honestly creeped out by this one too.  Two things are going through my mind A. he is a psychopath and he actually killed that girl or B. He is a pathological liar.  The pathological lying is obvious from what you have written but the dead girlfriend, I’m going to believe it.  I’m also going to believe that he killed her, watched the life drain out of her eyes with a sense of pleasure, and then made it look like an accident.  I am so happy you got away from this royal mind fuck!! You got away and you are alive! They say that hindsight is 20/20.  Unfortunately we don’t notice many red flags until the relationship is over and we are left to deal with the aftermath of utter emotional destruction.  The good news is that these encounters leave many of us determined to save others from the same fate so we spend countless hours screaming the red flags from the rooftops in the hopes that others will notice them before it is too late.  The bad news is that we did not notice them before it was too late to save ourselves and we are left to pick up the pieces and heal alone.  One thing that you will notice in your next relationship is to start out slow.  If you notice things moving too fast too soon this could be a red flag of a dysfunctional or toxic person especially if the focus is asking a lot of personal questions and the level of intimacy seems rushed.  While I can’t say that every person we meet online is a bad person but it may be a bad way to start off a relationship romantically.  One of the best self-disclosures he made to you was when he divulged his past to you “He told me he had a difficult past - stealing, knife fights, self-harm, but he doesn't do anything like that anymore.”  Was one of his “knife fights” with the girlfriend who mysteriously died in his arms?!?!?  I hope to god that was a lie to shame you with guilt and pity instead of an actual homicide! Thank god you got away.  The next time you feel like calling this psycho remind yourself that he literally could be a murderer! If not a murderer of humans but a soul murderer, either way you are better off! Did you notice anything missing after you were around him?  I noticed my own narcissist was a kleptomaniac. Moreover, after the first sexual encounter I will bet he may have had that phone call planned ahead of time and the excuse set in stone.  It was probably even his wife. The woman wearing the shoes was probably his wife too. I get the feeling that when your first two dates were canceled maybe he was even in the midst of abandoning his last victim or going through a divorce while love bombing and grooming you to fill that void that was opening.  If the relationship ended in April you still have a long healing process in front of you and I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself.  Think of it this way; you just went cold turkey from the most addictive drug known to mankind, the love/love bombing of a narcissist.  Being in a relationship with a narcissist goes from the extremes of “finding your soulmate” to climbing your way out of hell.  When in a relationship with one of these emotional rapists they sell us our dreams and literally deliver a nightmare.  When leaving any relationship, abusive or not, we always have doubts because we tend to forget the bad and focus on what was good about it.  If things didn’t end well (and usually they don’t with a narcissist and they REALLY don’t with a psychopath) we have a difficult time finding any closure because we linger on what should of, would of, and could of happened instead of what actually did happen.  We begin to blame ourselves for things that went wrong and then we question our own reactions.  We ask ourselves and everyone we know:  Was I too sensitive?  Was I over reacting?  Am I exaggerating?  Was that argument my fault? We have trouble putting the abuse into perspective because we really want to believe that nobody could be that cruel and evil and that maybe yes we are too sensitive, over reacting, or exaggerating what we lived through.  The sad part is that very few people, if any, in our lives will truly understand the type of emotional torture and resulting spiritual conflict that we are going through.  Like the saying goes “You won’t understand it until it happens to you”.  So when we turn to our loved ones or friends (if we have any left at this point) they either will not know how to react to what we tell them or they will tell us to just give it time or just suck it up and move on or Drum roll please, “You Got Played”.  Most of the time this will be the worst advice we will ever receive in our lives.  We need to connect with others who understand the nightmare we just escaped so we can freely talk out our pain without feeling judged or our situation trivialized.  We need to learn from others who have been there to see how they journeyed out of hell.  We need to be inspired by those who did make it out of hell and find the strength to encourage those who are stuck in the labyrinth created by our narcissist.   The narcissists leave us in a maze that seems to have no exit.  Sometimes it is impossible to find an exit and we give up hope of recovery/healing until magically another survivor turns on a light and shows us the way out of that hell.  Good luck to you on your healing journey.  It is going to take time.  It may take years but you can heal from this.  Find a support group with others who have dated a narcissist and get on there and vent, ask questions, learn, and someday in the future you will log into that group and you will read the post of a woman/man who is now in the same situation you are leaving.  Seeing this post you will then realize how far you have come and how much awareness you need to spread to warn the others.  And by others….. I mean the rest of mankind.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems; "Bacon Sandwich"

 

 

Dear Narcissist Problems,

I need help please.  I think I'm being completely emotionally manipulated. I feel like I've fallen into a dark hole I can't get out of.   I met a guy at work just over a year ago. At first everything was amazing and he was great. Then for various reasons we decided to move in together. Since we have been living together he has been having regular mood swings. I now feel like I never know where I am with him. One day he can be as loving as can be and the next day he will lash out. I got thrown out of the house on packing day for not making him a bacon sandwich which he asked for Xmas morning because I was in a rush to go and see my kids from my previous relationship (they live with their father, thank goodness. Sometimes he will fly off the handle at me and I'm not even sure why. He has threatened me, sworn at me, spat in my face twice, grabbed me and forcibly taken a picture of my stomach calling me fat, stupid, weak and pathetic.  He does this especially if we are exercising together and I don't do as he says. He has come at me with his fists then punched the wall, also a mallet and a knife (I hid in the bathroom). The police have been involved but when they are here he plays the victim. I ran off once and hid for a week but every time I leave he begs and pleads with me to return and starts acting how he used to all loving and everything. He is involved with a mental health team as he has been signed off work with depression for 12 weeks now. He works in the health industry and is very knowledgeable of psychology etc. When he has counselling and even when the crisis team comes out he acts in such a way that they pander to him. I have left numerous times but each time I find myself returning and apologizing although most of the time I'm not even sure what for. I've started smoking, I don't see any of my friends and I don't go anywhere. I lost my job in March due to being ill with stress. This has been ongoing since Christmas. Sometimes I return and accept things and have no idea why. It is like he knows all the buttons to push on me so I behave how he wants. I feel like I'm going crazy. I have started to question myself and my own sanity and behavior, finding me blaming myself for things. I keep excusing his behavior saying it must be depression. He had threatened to kill himself before when I have left, and cut himself once thereby making me feel bad. I feel totally trapped.

Sincerely,

“Bacon Sandwich Breakfast”

 

Dear “Bacon Sandwich Breakfast”,

   This guy is more than a manipulator, he is a hurricane!  The only response I have to this is Get out Now!!!  They say that when we bond with people we do so whether the bonding is positive or negative.  I don’t know what happened in your life prior to this relationship but what you are describing here is a typical abusive relationship.  You are experiencing emotional abuse when you are degraded and humiliated.  You are experiencing physical abuse when he comes at you with fists and weapons.  What I really want to know is what are you waiting for?  Are you waiting for this guy to murder you?  Because eventually he will.  With trauma bonding, to my understanding, it becomes impossible to leave the relationship not because we are weak but because we think we love this terror we spend our days with.  This person is terrorizing you and it’s to the point that you feel normal in this role.  I am not saying you enjoy being a victim I am saying that you have come to feel normal with the abuse.  A big red flag of abuse is being isolated from your friends and family.  I will not go into any more detail listing the reasons why you are being abused.  I will just say, you are being abused and you need to get as far away from this guy as possible.  You need to find the strength to ignore the threats he is making to harm himself because guess what?  Those threats will soon turn into action and trust me when I say, if those threats are carried out you will most likely be physically harmed in the process.  You need to document these threats and call the authorities on him.  Document all the crazy.  Please contact your local court house and get in touch with a domestic violence advocate.  Yes, thank god your child is not there to witness this but your child also does not need to witness the shell of a person his mother is becoming.  Read up on the red flags of abuse.  Have conversations with others who have gone through abuse, get counseling, and join some support groups.  There is no question about the manipulation.  Yes you are being manipulated and you were groomed to accept this abuse.  Take a lot of time to work on you before getting into a new relationship after this.  Find out what made you attracted to this person in the first place and what made you stay.  This relationship will eventually kill you.  You do not have time to consider what I have said here.  Let the hair on the back of your neck raise up, your heart start pumping, and your instinct to take flight come over you.  Do not ignore your gut and do not ignore this warning.  If you do not leave this person as soon as you read this response tomorrow might be too late.  GET. OUT. NOW. You need to disappear because his rage when he finds out you are gone will not simmer down so document the crazy and do not hesitate to contact the police!  We are talking about your life.  You do not have any more time to sit around and wonder what you should be doing because if you do it could be the death of you.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Unsent Letter

The Unsent letter,

I’m writing a letter to you for the first time in my life.  This might be the first of many but hopefully not.  I am letting you go this year.  There is nothing that I miss, nothing I remember that was truly loving, or caring.  In fact, in the 34 years I have known you I realize I spent those years trying to make you happy, trying to be good enough, always trying harder, trying to please you, and be “helpful”.  I was your enabler because I allowed you to treat me as your slave and punching bag all of those years because I didn’t know anything different.  Your words are bullets.  Your words slither through an open window on a hot summer night like a serial killer upon its prey.  You are a predator.  When a prey is trying to escape from a predator they run, and run, and run even when out of danger.  The panic does not leave but the prey knows it is still being stalked.  You stalk and destroy.  Now I know this, and the worst part is that you have helpers.  A pack of hyenas’ so sure of yourselves in your abuse and cruelty.  In this cruelty you find pleasure.  Almost two years ago I was forced to leave my home, my town, and everyone who I ever loved in order to stop your abuse and to try to heal from the aftermath of your grand finale.  True to your predator form you continue to stalk and find your prey.  You are now calling me the narcissist because I “abandon” you.  Over and over you sent images of narcissistic behavior that “applies” to me but your only example is that I abandon you.  You said that I am cold hearted and uncaring and you hope you get to watch when I am served the karma I deserve for hurting you by leaving.  As if I had left on a whim to my fairytale life.  By going No Contact with you to preserve my sanity and my family I have now been labeled as your abuser.  You sure do have a string of abusers in your life. After all this time you still hunt me down to poke me with a stick like some possum on the side of the road that you want to make sure is dead.  The things you have done to me it seems like you don’t only want me to disappear now I know with all of my heart you want me dead.  You will not stop until I am dead and you won’t be satisfied until then.  The sick part is that I know you will never kill me yourself, you want me to do it.  For years you have been breaking me down and tearing me apart with every chance you could.  I would feel insane by now, but guess what?  I am not alone.  You consider my abandonment of you as abuse but you are forgetting the long line of people you victimized along your years on this earth.  You say I left everyone because I never cared.  You forgot to add the part where you spent years shredding my relationships to pieces with your lies, slander, gossip, and triangulation.  I left everyone I ever loved because I could no longer trust anybody.  If I confided in someone what you were doing I quickly found out that I was automatically disbelieved because you had made sure to do all of the preventive lying you could manage so nobody would find out what a hideous monster you really are.  It’s easier for all of you to think I am crazy, irrational, and suffering from a mental disorder (whichever disorder you chose to pick for me during that period).  I tried to reach out to people I loved and trusted and they turned their backs on me because they didn’t see what you did to provoke, they only seen my reaction, and you had warned them that I was “losing it”…..and I am a pathological liar.  My relationships were shattered and I was the last to find out when I need my loved ones the most.  The people who did see the truth, because they have been your victims as well and stood up for me, you ridiculed and ostracized them in the same manner all over again.  Harassing us with your false allegations to police and other government officials.  I bet you never seen it coming when you were found out.  Playing the innocent victim and you finally got caught in your web of lies publicly.   Don’t you dare try to turn me into the uncaring bastard child you wish you had aborted?  I realized today, it doesn’t even matter.  I was sad and anxious again knowing the things you were telling people because you wanted me to know.  I’ve had enough, today I am letting you go.  I will not let the fear of YOU control my life any longer.  You have had 35 years to know me in which you spent that time degrading me, humiliating me, punishing me for fun, turning my loved ones against me, You used me as a maid, cook, your bill payer,  as a slave, you tried to wreck my marriage, you tried to use the courts to kidnap my children,  You made false allegations to government officials anonymously and all the while you smiled and played the caring martyr role acting as if you had no idea why I was being investigated by police, child protective services, or the IRS.  Months of investigations and each time this was your “evidence” that I was unstable.  You never even had the fear of getting caught in your deceit until it finally happened and then you continued to play the victim.  You were following your heart, I will never forget those words after all was said and done.  You enjoyed every second of the nightmare you created in my life but I should forgive you because you were following your heart.  At that moment I knew that in your heart you wanted to destroy me and there never was a reason except you enjoyed watching my pain and you always have.  I can’t have contact with you because you tried to ruin my life, you tried to legally kidnap my children, and then when all else failed you tried to have my husband deported.  There are no lengths you will not go to in order to create chaos and drama and all the while you sit there with your tub of movie theater popcorn watching in delight.  The only thing that gives me any solace about what happened is that you got caught and then I am reminded of the horrors you tried to get away with and the anxiety is refreshed.  Yes I have trust issues and I think I have earned them.  I have spent this time away from you analyzing every awful thing that has happened to me in my life and now I know it was all planned.  You planned all of the horrible things you did in my life because you enjoyed my pain.  You made me want to disappear every time you tried to ruin my self -esteem by pointing out my body flaws in front of anyone who would participate in the criticism.  You have called me a drug addict, a thief, a liar, and a whore and “no wonder nobody likes you” when it was really you who is the addict, the thief, and the liar.  You made keys to my homes and let yourself in and took whatever you desired.  You did this to others as well and then you blamed me.  I never found out about this until your “grand finale”.  For years people have been treating me as if I was a disease and I never knew why until the end.  The truth has a funny way of coming to light, in this case, in a courtroom.  I have spent my life anxious and inadequate always trying harder to please people thinking if only I loved more and did more people would like me.  People were never going to like me as long as you are around and I know this now.  Not only were the people not going to like me I was a horrible judge on the kind of people who I should want to like me.  I am finally starting to love myself and respect myself.  I am slowly letting people into my life who are good people, kind, caring, supportive, reassuring, loving, funny, loyal, trustworthy, happy, and whole.  I will no longer tolerate people who use and disrespect me and I’m OK being alone if that is what I need to do to create an amazing life.  The loneliness I have endured has been enough to last five lifetimes.  The utter isolation.  The Lack of boundaries.  During your grand finale it was like an explosion of bullshit.  In one week I was being investigated by the government, my boss fired me, and all of my “friends” were whispering about the horrible things I had done.  I was the last to find out about all of those horrible things I was guilty of.   You called my boss and let her in on my “troubles” and then I was fired that week.  Then you contacted everyone who ever knew me to let them in on my problems.  You decided to become a foster parent because you thought the government would pay you every month for my children instead of getting a job.  You have never had a job.  You have spent your life using people.  YOU HAVE NEVER HAD A JOB.  You will never use my children. I’ve carried around your guilt and shame for too many years to count and today I am giving it back to you.  I’m sick of walking around feeling permanently flawed and damaged as if I have a thick layer of disgusting slime covering my repugnant body.  You and they can all think what you want and you can keep threatening to “find me” but guess what?  I am done running away from you.  I have been running away from YOU.  You destroy people and lives and you are never going to change and you will never again guilt me into coming back because I am mean, cruel, and uncaring because I refuse to let you trample my boundaries and my heart.  You are a murderer.  You murder souls and you enjoy it and you will never stop.  I know this now and I am done.  Keep stalking your prey and pretending to be the victim when others are around.  When I was younger and in therapy you told me something that never made sense until recently “You can’t talk about what goes on in our house or they will take you away to foster care”.  To me that was the worst thought imaginable and I was your ally.  You no longer have the power to silence me.  I will no longer hide my life and my experiences to protect you.  The monster in this relationship is not the monster you have made everyone to believe that I am.  The monster is you and your lies, and rage, your sneakiness, your manipulation, and all the hurt you have done to me and to others.  I watched my whole life as you provoked people until they reacted and watched as you so innocently played the victim.  You play the victim so well that you got away with your abuse while your true victims had to deal with police and courts.  You are the epitome of all that is evil in human nature.  So take your threats of me “having what’s coming for you” and “I will find you in this age of technology” and shove them up your pathetic ass.  I refuse to live my life being scared and anxious.  I refuse to feel like a “bad girl” every day.  I refuse to live my life believing I am flawed and damaged.  I am finished feeling like I do not deserve to be loved or respected.  Today I am officially taking my thoughts and my life away from you.  I refuse to be and feel manipulated, condemned, bashed, censored, silenced, humiliated, degraded, disgraced, dishonored, chastised, ashamed, embarrassed, mortified, horrified,  guilt ridden, damaged, diseased, contaminated, ostracized, detested, eradicated, erased, lied to, lied about, slandered, triangulated, pushed aside, blamed, accused, intimidated, coerced, blackmailed, bullied, extorted, attacked, tormented, oppressed, tortured, haunted, hated, tainted, taunted, threatened, or terrorized by another human being ever again for the rest of my life.  You can have all of that back.  I will mourn your loss as if you had already died.  There is only moving forward and that is what I plan to do.  Heal, rebuild, restore, grow, mature, learn, love, show and receive affection, dance, cry, feel, absorb and engage in life, and laugh.  You no longer have the power to take these things away from me.  I will spend every day for the rest of my life setting goals and reaching them successfully because I am good enough.

Sincerely,

Narcissist Problems