June 23, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems "Ex School Girl"


 
 
 
 
 
 
Dear Narcissist Problems,

 

I've just come out of a short relationship - 6 months with a narcissist. I knew there were problems very quickly but hoped I might be able to help him - now I know that's not possible. My problem is that he is, if not famous, a moderately successful author who regularly turns up on TV and so on. On this page I'm sure I don't need to explain to you how dangerous he is and what a wealth of prey that 'fame' gives him. He also regularly goes into schools which gives him access to vulnerable young women. Whilst I couldn't say I think he's a pedophile he does have a worrying love of girls in school uniforms and has access to them. What can I do? I can't prove anything and anything I might try will make me look like a sour and bitter ex. He has already succeeded in turning at least one mutual friend against me who has been persuaded that I'm crazy. Any ideas?

I know he likes school girl uniforms as he liked me to dress up in one.

He's a historian, specifically military history but he has quite an interest in crime and is published on the subject of Jack the Ripper. I met him at a JtR conference - not really my area of interest but a friend wanted a companion and paid for me to go with her. He was chairing the conference.

The first sign he was a little off was in the first few weeks when I discovered he'd been sending very flirty messages to the friend as well as to me, having told me we were in a relationship.

The second one, which was a biggy was over Xmas. He became very aggressive and argumentative over me saying it was a pity he hadn't seen his son since August. He was then due to come and stay with my parents on the 27th, which he did. He really didn't have the social skills to deal with the situation but he was quite inappropriate in how he responded to me - very overtly sexual.

He became picky and aggressive over all sorts of things, specifically the fact that I don't like New Year's Eve. On the 3rd of Jan a woman he had told me was an ex and just a friends posted a very long rant that made it clear that she was not an ex and at the time I had met him and had in fact been pregnant by him and not well so staying in the hotel room. Of course, he made out that she was bonkers and wouldn't take no for an answer but I've since seen the exchange of texts he sent on the 27th, which couldn't have been forged because of some of the things said in it and they were very definitely in a relationship. Thank you. He is a creep. Since I first wrote to touch's has published pictures of himself with his latest victim. Poor cow thinks she's got Prince Charming but instead is in the clutches of a conscienceless monster.

Sincerely,

Ex School Girl

 

Dear Ex School Girl,

I met a couple of guys on the internet who would like to meet your ex narc… pic attached.

Unfortunately we all seem to stick around these toxic relationships because we want to help them.  We see someone who is in need of love, support, or care and we jump in and start bailing the water out of a sinking ship.  The problem is that usually we don’t notice the ship is sinking because the person we are trying to “help” is drilling holes in the bottom of the boat.  You are right, it is usually not possible to help people especially if they don’t see a problem with their behavior and have no need or desire to change.  Knowing he is a moderately famous author is going to force me to begin questioning every book I read!  The good news is that you obviously noticed some red flags of dysfunction and/or abuse early on in the game.  Knowing that you ended this relationship at 6 months instead of 6 years makes me feel like the work of spreading awareness of this type of personality disorder is serving its purpose!  Either by your own will and high self-esteem or by running into information of your dysfunctional relationship something happened to make you insightful enough for alarm bells to go off and call it quits with this animal.  While I don’t want to assume the worst and label this guy a sexual predator I do find it rather disturbing that he asked you to role play as a school girl while spending time with school girls. The bad news is that with no proof of his pedophilia there is little that you can do.  The only thing in your control is to protect yourself and all the young girls you know from this monster.  If you do much more than that you might find yourself slapped with a restraining order and a lawsuit.  It’s sick, I know, but that is the way the law works.  You need good evidence, witnesses, and documentation.  You need something that will hold up in a court of law.  For now the most you can do is consider yourself a viable character witness when victims do begin to surface.  If you want more help consider consulting with the local police department.  For all you know there may have been a report filed against him and at least it will give you peace of mind knowing that you did speak up. 

Usually when you call a narcissist out on their bad behavior that is when you are officially declared an enemy and that seems like it may be the case here.  Bringing up his visitation with his son was a blow to the ego as I’m sure he likes people to believe he is father of the year.  If you brought up his sexual behavior that he displayed in front of your parents that was another blow because I am sure he thought he was being very charming.  From what you describe here you were dealing with a typical narcissist and your personalities clashed like the titans!  He manipulates and you confronted, way to go!  Not many of us here can say we had the courage or insight to be so upfront.  The important thing for you to do now is to try to let it go.  Don’t keep updated on his life including his new victims.  If you try to warn the others it will only make you appear insane and infatuated.  You know, like his pregnant crazy ex in the hotel room was.  Don’t be that woman.  So far you seem to have done an amazing job at identifying his special breed of crazy and dealt with it like no other!  Good for you!  It may help to just give yourself time to heal from this experience and keep spreading the awareness of what you have been through with others….who don’t know your narcissist!  Good luck on your healing journey.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

June 17, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems "I Can't Sit With Them"


Dear Narcissist Problems,

Anon please! I and a group of online friends have been targeted by a woman we thought was our friend. We were all in a secret support group on Facebook, but gradually she took over which resulted in the group becoming a negative place with members banned, bullying of outsiders, and people flocking to her like flies on shit. I had foresight and chose to unfriend her and leave before it got too dark and negative for me. She noticed straight away that we weren't friends anymore, and started an online hate campaign, turning people against me. She told people I was talking about them behind her back, told them I was a scam artist, and generally smeared my name. I lost my online business, I lost friends, and I got depressed and withdrawn and stopped leaving the house. I've had to get a new Facebook account and block everyone from that group. This girl now admins a larger Facebook group, and has turned everyone in there against me as well now. Even though I've blocked her, she's still finding ways to get to me online. What do I do? I've debated going to the police due to feeling unsafe. I'm in the UK. She's actually well-known as she was breastfeeding in public and someone took a picture and called her a tramp, so she's been on the news defending breastfeeding and has set up a campaign called free to feed. It's a bit ironic that someone famous for standing up to Internet bullies is an Internet bully herself. This profile is a whole new profile, but a girl who was my real life friend told her about this profile. I and my friends have saved a lot of screen shots, not enough though I fear as we didn't realize at the time what was going on.

Sincerely,

“Can’t sit with them”

 

Dear “Can’t sit with them”,

     I have experienced this secret group bullying to an extent.  There have been a few secret groups I have joined and been bullied out of actually.  At one point, I was supporting one of the women to do a retreat.  I thought it was a great idea.  However, because I did not use my own pictures on my profile she began questioning my gender. (It was a female only group)  I understood the fear that maybe I could have been a man, I knew I wasn’t a man and had actually belonged to this group for a few months without problem.  She began taunting me and she wanted to Skype to ensure I was in fact a female.  It was totally ridiculous and I eventually replied, “Would you like a picture of my vagina??? Is that proof enough??”  I don’t think she really had an issue with my body parts she was just trying to create a hostile environment.  It turned into a debate on what kind of profiles are acceptable.  I had no problem sharing “myself” with the admin but we join secret groups for a reason, privacy.  To avoid stalking and further harassment.  To gain support in our weakest moments.  The woman was a predator in sheeps clothing and I see it happen a lot.  I typically avoid these people unless I am forced to react and then I only react directly to the issue and not at the emotional provokations.  She was the same type of personality you describe here, cruelness guised as a victim saint and people flocked to her like flies on shit on a hot summer day.  Let them have each other.  What a nightmare you have been through and I hope you have screen shots of what happened.  I know you are in the UK but in the United States there are laws against libel (written slander) and you should be able to sue her in civil court for the destruction of your name and loss of business. Start a new business with a different name, don’t let her destroy you.  I would get a free consult with an attorney ASAP.  Wow, this is exactly how we end up with anon profiles in the first place.  You need to stand up to this bully and do not let her intimidate you into submission.  A covert narcissist usually takes on the role of the martyr or victim of some sort and it seems to be working for her well.  I would contact the police if necessary and defiantly go talk to a lawyer.  Don’t share anymore personal information with anyone who knows her.  It seems like the friend who told her your real name was nothing more than a flying monkey trying to catch a ride on the 15 minute fame train.  Know the red flags and please don’t hesitate to message again.  You shouldn’t feel so alone but I do recommend making another profile but keeping this one open just to collect evidence of the harassment.  If you can have a person who is totally removed from the situation check your messages for you and remove any real life photos so they don’t get spammed out in the smear campaign.  Good Luck to you and remember you are not alone! 

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems "Questions"



Dear Narcissist Problems,
Question; what kind of man will abruptly leave his family with no explanation. Ignore them, give them the silent treatment. Blame you for everything. And appear to either be cheating, on drugs, or doing something sketchy. And when he comes back around and tries to work on things, will say that it was because he was at a breaking point and that's the only way he knew how to get his families (wife, kids) attention, and that's the only way he knew how to do it. And will apologize and say he's sorry, and he was stupid, etc. Especially if this is out of his character and it's something he's never done and you know /thought he would never do. What causes this, and why is his "truth" so complicated? I thought that lies were complicated, and the truth was supposed to be simple, no? Is this just further part of his manipulation, or is he really sorry and was just being prideful the whole time he was gone, or was he really doing something sketchy and is just not going to admit it or tell us what it was? I've searched passive aggressive behavior and this seeks to fit completely. He seems to withhold covert anger. Also, what kind of childhood causes this, I mean what do your parents have to do to you to make you this way? Or is it even his childhood or something else. I'm just confused and don't understand why someone would be completely fine and have a great life with his family for multiple years on end, then one day just break and vanish...and leave his family abandoned without basic necessities, then say that he thought we would at least have someone else to care for us, or he thought that was the best thing to do. Is this a narcissist?
Sincerely,
“Questions”

Dear “Questions”,
      The short answer is yes that is exactly what a narcissist does. Either that or he has a really interesting hobby that he is embarrassed to tell you about; like sitting alone in the bathtub with a duck caller and live ducks who he has made family.  It is possible your husband wishes he was a duck and has adopted a family of ducks to provide a sense of belonging.  Don’t be surprised if this is something he tells you someday or he is a narcissist.  I'll leave it up to you to decide based on all the facts you know that I don't.  I could leave it at that but, of course, I won’t. So here is the long answer:  A narcissist will regularly disappear for days or weeks.  You will want to assume that the narcissist has a drug addiction but don’t be surprised if they have a whole other family!  Other humans, be it a wife or children, are merely supply or feeding grounds for this personality type.  The sooner you wise up and create some boundaries with this emotional vampire the better for you and the children.  Do you know who leaves just to get attention?  Children, and you might find that dealing with your husband is very similar to dealing with a toddler.  They feel ignored so they will make you feel ignored.  You take their candy then they will take yours.  You pushed him down so they will dig a hole and bury you in it.  Most of the time these slights are imagined and you simply are not adoring this savior as much as they would like.  So they discard you and find someone who will feed their waning ego and then return.  Literally, think of it as being married to a vampire.  Once they suck your blood dry and you are almost dead they will have to leave you alone to restock your blood supply.  In the meantime, they are still hungry so they go off to feed on blood elsewhere until that blood runs dry.  It’s an unending cycle of vampirism in the form of soul drainage instead of blood.  The only constant in meals, however, is probably you and your children.  If the only way he knew how to get his own families attention was to disappear ask him to seek therapy but whatever you do, don’t let this continue.  It is toxic, unhealthy, and the black mold of life.  It is not ok for you and it is not ok for your children.  You do not deserve this and your children do not deserve this.  They say that narcissism breeds in families and it sounds like his family is a nest of narcissists.  Honestly, have you met his family?  I grew up with a narcissist but it didn’t make me that way.  Guess what,  my narcissist was that way and blamed their parents…but their parents weren’t that way.  Narcissists love to play the role of victim especially if it gets them out of trouble!!  That is what they do.  Yes, the truth would be easier but the truth takes courage.  These people do not have courage and they enjoy their lies because their lies keep you confused and feeling sorry for them.  They enjoy hurting us.  It doesn’t matter if they were born this way or if they were raised this way the only thing that matters is that you understand that this behavior will never change.  Do not try to reason with him, do not ask for explanations, and do not beg.  Know this; if you do not create and enforce boundaries then he will trample all of your boundaries until you have none left.  Until your children have none left.  Hurting you is as stimulating as a crack addiction and he will always want more.  The thing to remember is that, with any drug, a person builds a tolerance and will always need a higher dose over time.  The pain he creates for your family will only increase with time as well.  The sooner you understand this the better.  Get away from him, tell him his behavior is unacceptable because it is, and document his behavior well because you will need it in court someday.  You have sympathy and are empathetic and he is counting on those qualities to get the best of you, so don’t let him.  Stay strong and good luck to you!
Regards,
Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems "Questions"



Dear Narcissist Problems,
Question; what kind of man will abruptly leave his family with no explanation. Ignore them, give them the silent treatment. Blame you for everything. And appear to either be cheating, on drugs, or doing something sketchy. And when he comes back around and tries to work on things, will say that it was because he was at a breaking point and that's the only way he knew how to get his families (wife, kids) attention, and that's the only way he knew how to do it. And will apologize and say he's sorry, and he was stupid, etc. Especially if this is out of his character and it's something he's never done and you know /thought he would never do. What causes this, and why is his "truth" so complicated? I thought that lies were complicated, and the truth was supposed to be simple, no? Is this just further part of his manipulation, or is he really sorry and was just being prideful the whole time he was gone, or was he really doing something sketchy and is just not going to admit it or tell us what it was? I've searched passive aggressive behavior and this seeks to fit completely. He seems to withhold covert anger. Also, what kind of childhood causes this, I mean what do your parents have to do to you to make you this way? Or is it even his childhood or something else. I'm just confused and don't understand why someone would be completely fine and have a great life with his family for multiple years on end, then one day just break and vanish...and leave his family abandoned without basic necessities, then say that he thought we would at least have someone else to care for us, or he thought that was the best thing to do. Is this a narcissist?
Sincerely,
“Questions”

Dear “Questions”,
      The short answer is yes that is exactly what a narcissist does. Either that or he has a really interesting hobby that he is embarrassed to tell you about; like sitting alone in the bathtub with a duck caller and live ducks who he has made family.  It is possible your husband wishes he was a duck and has adopted a family of ducks to provide a sense of belonging.  Don’t be surprised if this is something he tells you someday or he is a narcissist.  I'll leave it up to you to decide based on all the facts you know that I don't.  I could leave it at that but, of course, I won’t. So here is the long answer:  A narcissist will regularly disappear for days or weeks.  You will want to assume that the narcissist has a drug addiction but don’t be surprised if they have a whole other family!  Other humans, be it a wife or children, are merely supply or feeding grounds for this personality type.  The sooner you wise up and create some boundaries with this emotional vampire the better for you and the children.  Do you know who leaves just to get attention?  Children, and you might find that dealing with your husband is very similar to dealing with a toddler.  They feel ignored so they will make you feel ignored.  You take their candy then they will take yours.  You pushed him down so they will dig a hole and bury you in it.  Most of the time these slights are imagined and you simply are not adoring this savior as much as they would like.  So they discard you and find someone who will feed their waning ego and then return.  Literally, think of it as being married to a vampire.  Once they suck your blood dry and you are almost dead they will have to leave you alone to restock your blood supply.  In the meantime, they are still hungry so they go off to feed on blood elsewhere until that blood runs dry.  It’s an unending cycle of vampirism in the form of soul drainage instead of blood.  The only constant in meals, however, is probably you and your children.  If the only way he knew how to get his own families attention was to disappear ask him to seek therapy but whatever you do, don’t let this continue.  It is toxic, unhealthy, and the black mold of life.  It is not ok for you and it is not ok for your children.  You do not deserve this and your children do not deserve this.  They say that narcissism breeds in families and it sounds like his family is a nest of narcissists.  Honestly, have you met his family?  I grew up with a narcissist but it didn’t make me that way.  Guess what,  my narcissist was that way and blamed their parents…but their parents weren’t that way.  Narcissists love to play the role of victim especially if it gets them out of trouble!!  That is what they do.  Yes, the truth would be easier but the truth takes courage.  These people do not have courage and they enjoy their lies because their lies keep you confused and feeling sorry for them.  They enjoy hurting us.  It doesn’t matter if they were born this way or if they were raised this way the only thing that matters is that you understand that this behavior will never change.  Do not try to reason with him, do not ask for explanations, and do not beg.  Know this; if you do not create and enforce boundaries then he will trample all of your boundaries until you have none left.  Until your children have none left.  Hurting you is as stimulating as a crack addiction and he will always want more.  The thing to remember is that, with any drug, a person builds a tolerance and will always need a higher dose over time.  The pain he creates for your family will only increase with time as well.  The sooner you understand this the better.  Get away from him, tell him his behavior is unacceptable because it is, and document his behavior well because you will need it in court someday.  You have sympathy and are empathetic and he is counting on those qualities to get the best of you, so don’t let him.  Stay strong and good luck to you!
Regards,
Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems; "Bacon Sandwich"


 
 
Dear Narcissist Problems,

I need help please.  I think I'm being completely emotionally manipulated. I feel like I've fallen into a dark hole I can't get out of.   I met a guy at work just over a year ago. At first everything was amazing and he was great. Then for various reasons we decided to move in together. Since we have been living together he has been having regular mood swings. I now feel like I never know where I am with him. One day he can be as loving as can be and the next day he will lash out. I got thrown out of the house on packing day for not making him a bacon sandwich which he asked for Xmas morning because I was in a rush to go and see my kids from my previous relationship (they live with their father, thank goodness. Sometimes he will fly off the handle at me and I'm not even sure why. He has threatened me, sworn at me, spat in my face twice, grabbed me and forcibly taken a picture of my stomach calling me fat, stupid, weak and pathetic.  He does this especially if we are exercising together and I don't do as he says. He has come at me with his fists then punched the wall, also a mallet and a knife (I hid in the bathroom). The police have been involved but when they are here he plays the victim. I ran off once and hid for a week but every time I leave he begs and pleads with me to return and starts acting how he used to all loving and everything. He is involved with a mental health team as he has been signed off work with depression for 12 weeks now. He works in the health industry and is very knowledgeable of psychology etc. When he has counselling and even when the crisis team comes out he acts in such a way that they pander to him. I have left numerous times but each time I find myself returning and apologizing although most of the time I'm not even sure what for. I've started smoking, I don't see any of my friends and I don't go anywhere. I lost my job in March due to being ill with stress. This has been ongoing since Christmas. Sometimes I return and accept things and have no idea why. It is like he knows all the buttons to push on me so I behave how he wants. I feel like I'm going crazy. I have started to question myself and my own sanity and behavior, finding me blaming myself for things. I keep excusing his behavior saying it must be depression. He had threatened to kill himself before when I have left, and cut himself once thereby making me feel bad. I feel totally trapped.

Sincerely,

“Bacon Sandwich Breakfast”

 

Dear “Bacon Sandwich Breakfast”,

   This guy is more than a manipulator, he is a hurricane!  The only response I have to this is Get out Now!!!  They say that when we bond with people we do so whether the bonding is positive or negative.  I don’t know what happened in your life prior to this relationship but what you are describing here is a typical abusive relationship.  You are experiencing emotional abuse when you are degraded and humiliated.  You are experiencing physical abuse when he comes at you with fists and weapons.  What I really want to know is what are you waiting for?  Are you waiting for this guy to murder you?  Because eventually he will.  With trauma bonding, to my understanding, it becomes impossible to leave the relationship not because we are weak but because we think we love this terror we spend our days with.  This person is terrorizing you and it’s to the point that you feel normal in this role.  I am not saying you enjoy being a victim I am saying that you have come to feel normal with the abuse.  A big red flag of abuse is being isolated from your friends and family.  I will not go into any more detail listing the reasons why you are being abused.  I will just say, you are being abused and you need to get as far away from this guy as possible.  You need to find the strength to ignore the threats he is making to harm himself because guess what?  Those threats will soon turn into action and trust me when I say, if those threats are carried out you will most likely be physically harmed in the process.  You need to document these threats and call the authorities on him.  Document all the crazy.  Please contact your local court house and get in touch with a domestic violence advocate.  Yes, thank god your child is not there to witness this but your child also does not need to witness the shell of a person his mother is becoming.  Read up on the red flags of abuse.  Have conversations with others who have gone through abuse, get counseling, and join some support groups.  There is no question about the manipulation.  Yes you are being manipulated and you were groomed to accept this abuse.  Take a lot of time to work on you before getting into a new relationship after this.  Find out what made you attracted to this person in the first place and what made you stay.  This relationship will eventually kill you.  You do not have time to consider what I have said here.  Let the hair on the back of your neck raise up, your heart start pumping, and your instinct to take flight come over you.  Do not ignore your gut and do not ignore this warning.  If you do not leave this person as soon as you read this response tomorrow might be too late.  GET. OUT. NOW. You need to disappear because his rage when he finds out you are gone will not simmer down so document the crazy and do not hesitate to contact the police!  We are talking about your life.  You do not have any more time to sit around and wonder what you should be doing because if you do it could be the death of you.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

June 11, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Help"


 
 
Dear Narcissist Problems,

Hello, I didn't feel safe posting this on the wall. After 1 year and a half, 4 day trial in court I have finally divorced the most perfect narcissist who follows every single bullet from all narcissist posts. He fits like a glove. He’s done it all. I have been harassed, abused, stalked, threatened, intimidated, and my story is one of many, very sad... now I’m divorced, happy to say everything went fine in court but... he has not stopped. He keeps threatening in his emails, intimidating me, creating problems where there’s none.... my heart skips a bit when I see his mail in my inbox. I can barely breathe and I start shaking as I open one. (We have joint physical custody of 2 precious little girls. Therefore email contact stays open, and he sure abuses it to get to me. I have taken the free services of LAWS for counseling but we have no more available. I went from being unemployed ( stay home mom ) when separation started, to having a fulltime job ( starting September ) now part time, having my own rental place, paying for everything, as he is not paying the child support or alimony... I have done a miracle so to say in a year and a half... BUT.................................. I need tools, I need mental help to deal with him after court, after attorneys... I need guidance... can anyone help me??? Where can I go? He left us without health insurance... I got my kids insured but I still have no health insurance... so I need some sort of free service offered by any support group?

Sincerely,

“Help”

 

Dear “Help”,

   Thank you for the question and you asked a great one! I have some good and bad news for you. The bad news is that he will never stop.  The good news for you is that you have a highly arrogant narcissist on your hands.  What I am understanding from your message is that you have limited contact with your ex-husband?  If so, congratulations!  The key to dealing with a narcissist is to not react to their provoking.  There only goal is to illicit a reaction from you whether it is positive or negative.  When he is there writing those emails and picturing your response he is getting high.  If you actually do respond and acknowledge whatever he said to provoke you it would probably be the equivalent of what a heroin addict feels just after shooting up.  From what I’ve seen in the movies the high a drug addict feels after shooting up is greater than experiencing 20+ orgasms at the same time.  Do not feed his addiction.  Only give response that would involve your business with him and that is raising two girls.  If he sends a nasty email you can do one of two things A) root out the point (visitation, rescheduling, appointments) B) have someone you trust open your emails from him and have the trusted other root out the point.  Only respond to the point in a matter of fact tone only stating facts and clarifying facts.  No emotion and no reaction.  My best guess is that he only is trying to share custody with you to avoid paying child support.  Narcissists are great controllers, manipulators, and liars so don’t you ever forget that.  Their main goal is me, mine, and myself.  What you need to do in this situation is document the crazy.  Document the tactics he is using in his emails.  Print each email, get out a highlighter, and go to town highlighting every behavior you observe that you have learned about in these groups and on these pages.  Educate yourself on this abuse so you know what you are looking for.  Get a binder, get some clear binder inserts and start a case file.  Also, keep a journal.  You want to write in a daily journal time, date, what happened that day, did anything out of the ordinary happen (strange phone call from any agencies/businesses, strange mail, strange people),  If something or someone strange comes along document what happened (what did they say, do, have you seen them before, what were they wearing, what were they driving, license plate number, etc.), keep in your journal notes (I received an email today about____ and in the email I was threatened because ___).  You want to be your own personal advocate as far as this goes.  You want to be your very own private eye, call yourself “Friday”, and never forget you are building a case against this person.  Research your own state stalking/harassment laws, make police reports, in fact, become besties with your local PD so they know you in case something does happen.  Get your daughters into counseling.  I’m sure for the moment he might be treating them great because he has an agenda of making them hate you.  He is probably spoiling them and most likely bad mouthing you in the process.  Using your children as spies.  When this doesn’t work out he will discard the children as well so make sure you have “the change” well documented so it collaborates with all his nasty emails.  I know you want to shake like a leaf and run away.  You probably hide in your home a lot and peek out of your curtains at every little noise you hear.  Your heart probably jumps when the phone rings.  It’s time for you to get angry.  You do not deserve to be treated this way and how dare him to think that he can get away with this!  I am not saying become confrontational but become a solid rock; he can’t penetrate your being to the core.  He is a pesky fly on a hot summer night with no breeze that keeps trying to land on your sweaty face.  He is the mosquito buzzing in your ear all night but too small to find when you turn the light on.  He is the mildew that keeps growing in your basement bathroom.  He is the splinter in your finger that you can’t dig out.  He is the handle on a 24 pack of Coke that rips and makes all your cans hit the pavement and explode when you are walking from the grocery store to the car.  This is what you are dealing with and if I had all night to keep writing about things he could be equated to…. I would.  I’m sure you get the point, do not react.  As for help, joining support groups on Facebook geared toward narcissistic abuse is a great place to start.  Most of the groups I have joined have been amazing.  They are a great place to surround yourself with people who “get it”.  Just do a search through Facebook “Narcissistic abuse” “parental alienation” “High conflict spouse” “mental health advocate”.  I will send you some links to a few of the groups I participate in.  Most of them I joined over a year ago so I’ll send the ones I trust.  As for outside help, contact a local domestic abuse shelter or your county court house and ask where you can locate an advocate.  If you are struggling, go to your local DHS office and see if you qualify for any assistance/health insurance.  Also, contact local hospitals and see if they offer low income health clinics.  Use as many services as you need until you can get back on your feet again.  This is what they are for.  You can do this!  You are strong enough, you deserve to succeed, and one day you will look back on this horrible situation with gratitude because it has made you so strong.  Never forget, Document the crazy!  Prepare yourself to end up in court and never expect his help with anything financially.  Moreover, be careful who you share your problems with because a narcissist is a great manipulator and will use others as flying monkeys to come wreak havoc in your life.  You got this!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems   

June 8, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Curious"



Dear Narcissist Problems,
I understand that this group normally focuses on personality disorders on an individual basis but I was wondering if you could explain to me if gaslighting ever happens in other situations. Can a person experience gaslighting in places other than in their own homes and personal relationships?
Sincerely,
"Curious"
Dear "Curious",
You have asked a great question and the answer is a capital YES!! It is important to know the red flags of abuse so that you can use your critical thinking skills in other areas of life as well. One such example of gaslighting on a grand scale can be observed on a daily basis when the public is informed about what is good for them and then new prescriptions or healthcare treatments are suggested. Sometimes the treatments are created as a prevention to disease but in reality the treatments are either not effective or they cause injury. When an injured party questions the treatment they are then led to believe they are crazy by their doctors and the government or labeled a conspiracy theorist in order to thwart further questioning. This practice actually leaves a major portion of the population scratching their own heads wondering if they are crazy for doubting people in such noble professions as healthcare and government. Love Triangle: Not-for-Profits, For- Profits, and Government.
Corruption in the American government is becoming painfully obvious when researching Not-for-profit and For-Profit organizations and the roles these institutions play in policy making. In recent years, the unethical practices that have merged as the result of large corporations investing in Not-For-Profit organizations which play key roles in that result in public policy is unethical and should be banned from practice. The results of these unethical practices can be felt not only in the United States but worldwide. The relationship between a government agency, a foundation, and a pharmaceutical company has led to a crisis in the global healthcare system which is resulting in the harm of citizens around the world. When it comes to something as important as a person’s body and health an extreme amount of caution should be taken in order to avoid corruption in this configuration. As most people who watch television are aware, there is a growing epidemic of bad drugs being passed off onto the American public. While there are agencies and laws that are put into place to ensure the safety of pharmaceuticals these policies are being circumvented because of the relationship that has been established between pharmaceutical companies, the foundations that produce the results of research, and the governmental agencies put into place to ensure the safety of products made available to the public. The public relies on the government to ensure its safety and best interest. However, the public’s best interest is being jeopardized due to greed and corruption. A closer look needs to be taken into the love triangle which has merged between the CDC, The CDC Foundation, and the pharmaceutical company known as MERCK in the United States but MRK in other countries. The CDC Foundation was created as an extension of the CDC in order to get private funding for research as a means to improve public health. The problem occurs when a company such as Merck donates private funding towards The CDC Foundation in order to have its product passed for safety and put on the market to the general public. This relationship, in itself, creates a conflict of interest and should be banned from practice. The relationship established between the CDC, The CDC foundation, and Merck pharmaceuticals is not in the best interest of the American public because it is putting lives in jeopardy for a profit.
In order to understand the dynamics at play when discussing the conflict of interest the partnership between The CDC Foundation and Merck pharmaceuticals creates it is necessary to include the governmental agency the CDC into the equation. The CDC, Center for Disease Control, was founded in the 1940’s with the main goal of eradicating malaria. Since its inception it has become one of the leading agencies in the world to focus on human health globally by researching diseases and ways to effectively control and prevent them. The agency receives its funding from tax payers and its mission statement taken from the official CDC website is as follows:
“…to protect America from health, safety and security threats, both foreign and in the U.S. Whether diseases start at home or abroad, are chronic or acute, curable or preventable, human error or deliberate attack, CDC fights disease and supports communities and citizens to do the same.” (Mission, Role and Pledge 2014).
The CDC was put into place to conduct research that would make American citizens healthier, safer, and provide inexpensive treatments to the general population and funding to obtain this goal is generated by the American taxpayer who entrusts this agency to act in its best interest. Moreover, the “CDC conducts critical science and provides health information that protects our nation against expensive and dangerous health threats, and responds when these arise.” (Mission, Role and Pledge 2014).
According to the mission statement the goal of this agency is to protect Americans from disease, conduct research, and establish treatment for disease. The research gained from studies and experiments is then analyzed and implemented into practice by creating laws and policy. The CDC’s role is to spread awareness of disease while simultaneously eradicating them. One role that needs to be examined further here is the accuracy and honesty of the statement that the CDC is “Tackling the biggest health problems causing death and disability for Americans.” (Mission, Role and Pledge 2014). After examining the relationship established between the business triangle that was created by the CDC, The CDC Foundation, and Merck pharmaceuticals it becomes painfully obvious that the American people have been duped out of Billions of tax dollars and their health. The pledge made by this agency to “Be a diligent steward of the funds entrusted to our agency, Provide an environment for intellectual and personal growth and integrity, Base all public health decisions on the highest quality scientific data that is derived openly and objectively, Place the benefits to society above the benefits to our institution, Treat all persons with dignity, honesty, and respect” (Mission, Role and Pledge 2014). It can be found after examining the connections between this agency and the Not-for-Profit and For-Profit organizations that the above statements are untrue. This agency has placed the American public and society at risk because their public health decisions are based on scientific data that is not derived openly or objectively because the research this agency relies on is being gathered from a Not-for-profit that is funded by an organization with a special interest in the outcome of the research that is conducted.
The CDC Foundation was “Established by Congress as an independent, nonprofit organization, the CDC Foundation connects the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) with private-sector organizations and individuals to build public health programs that make our world healthier and safer.” (CDC Foundation 2015). This foundation was founded in 1995 as a means to gain funding for medical research. According to the foundation website “the CDC Foundation has provided $450 million to support CDC's work” (CDC Foundation 2015). The intention of this established nonprofit organization seems rather altruistic until one takes a closer look at the research provided by the foundation that has been faulty and led to injury and/or death. On any given day the public can see the outcome of this faulty research in a single hour of watching television. Every other commercial seems to be either about a new drug with a slew of bad side effects or an advertisement for a personal injury lawyer who is bringing a class action lawsuit against a pharmaceutical company for a bad drug. This contradicts the mission statement of both the CDC and the CDC foundation. With the use of bad drugs the American public and the world are not safer or healthier. In fact, the opposite is true and this is due to a special interest taking part in the outcome of medical research in order to gain a profit. “Established by Congress, the CDC Foundation helps the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention do more, faster, by forging effective partnerships between CDC and corporations, foundations, organizations and individuals to fight threats to health and safety. The CDC Foundation is a 501(c)(3) public charity.” (CDC Foundation 2015). This is an absurdly unethical relationship and there are laws in place to prevent the mingling of government agencies with corporations for a very good reason. When corporations influence government agencies it results in corruption and unethical business practices.
Listed on the CDC Foundations website as a reason for its inception is that “: “As a private 501(c)(3) public charity, the CDC Foundation receives charitable contributions and philanthropic grants from individuals, foundations, corporations, universities, NGOs and other organizations to advance the work of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Unlike many large foundations, the CDC Foundation does not have a large endowment to support our activities.” (CDC Foundation 2015). An interesting fact that emerges when researching the funding and the sources of funding for each agency and organization is the massive amount of money generated towards research and healthcare implementation plus the costs of the end product, the medicine, treatments, and services. The mission statement of the CDC becomes contradicted when it was written that one of their goals was to eliminate expensive healthcare treatments in the first place. It seems the American and global public have found themselves in the greatest Ponzi scheme of all time. In this scheme the American public is being hoodwinked out of an enormous amount of cash. “The president’s fiscal year (FY) 2014 budget request for CDC is $6.6 billion, a decrease of 270 million from FY 2012. This funding level includes $755 million from the Affordable Care Act’s Prevention and Public Health Fund (PPHF) and $618 million in Public Health Service (PHS) evaluation funds.”(CDC Budget Request 2014). The summary then goes on to summarize the services the funding went to provide. The amount of money generated annually by the American people alone should be enough to eradicate and/or prevent every disease mankind has ever encountered. A contradiction may have been created when the value statement of the CDC is “saving lives, protecting people from health threats, and saving money through prevention.” Because it seems as if the cost of prevention may far outweigh the actual cost of disease, illness, or death (CDC 2015). The CDC and The CDC Foundation are both headquartered in Atlanta. Further, since the CDC Foundation is a public charity it is tax exempt. The obstacles faced by both companies would be a cut in funding. According to one article;
“By every measure our nation is dramatically better prepared for public health threats than we were a decade ago. However, ongoing reductions in public health preparedness and response investments are impacting the national public health infrastructure that prepares for and responds to routine public health threats in addition to terrorist threats, novel infectious diseases, natural disasters, and biological, chemical and nuclear emergencies. Even though funding cuts have been made, CDC still has the responsibility to get the job done and protect the American people from public health threats.” (Frantz 2015).
It seems that this foundation has not yet seen a crisis because of the ignorance among American and global citizens to implement all of the suggestions made by the research generated with the billions of dollars in funding. It is becoming apparent that the main goal of the human race is obviously to achieve immortality with all of this disease prevention and eradication. Its good business practice to be in a field where you study disease or disaster. A fear of death and a combination of public trust and ignorance seems to keep this organizations doors open.
An ethical dilemma that these organizations face is producing research that results in the wide spread use of pharmaceuticals that are injuring and/or killing millions of people worldwide. The legal repercussions for the most part would be the fear of a lawsuit as the result of research passed by a bad drug. An interesting fact to note is a law that was passed 9 years before the creation of the CDC foundation which has determined that “No Vaccine manufacturer, physician, or health facility may be designated a defendant in the proceeding, and there is no determination of legal fault or responsibility for injury”. (The National Vaccine Injury Compensation Program, page 258 para. 1, 1992). Shortly after this law was passed The CDC Foundation came into creation and the American people were left with little recourse if injured by a vaccine. In order for the injured party to get justice they would need to suffer an injury that is already documented with the Vaccine Injury Compensation program. A problem arises when the corruption becomes so out of control that faulty research is provided making vaccine related injuries that are not documented almost impossible to bring the pharmaceutical company to court where they can be held accountable.
The For-profit organization to be examined in this report is that of Merck Pharmaceuticals. The area of interest of this company is “As a global healthcare company, Merck believes it has an important role and responsibility in improving access to medicines, vaccines and quality healthcare worldwide, thereby helping to reduce the burden of disease in the parts of the world that need it most.” (Merck 2015). Merck is headquartered in Kenilworth, NJ but has locations based worldwide with a total of 700,000 employees located in over 50 countries. According to the official Merck website “Our product offering categories include heart and respiratory health, infectious diseases and women's health. We continue to focus our research on conditions that affect millions of people around the world - diseases like Alzheimer's, diabetes and cancer - while expanding our strengths in areas like vaccines and biologics.” (Merck 2015). The goal and mission statements involve providing increased access to healthcare globally by contributing to medical research and disease prevention. They are in the trade of pharmaceuticals and vaccines and had a revenue of over 42 billion dollars, and a net profit of 9.4 billion dollars, in 2014 alone. The United States is currently their biggest customer by contributing over 17 billion of the 42 billion dollar gain. Merck pharmaceuticals has built this medicinal empire by providing services to governments and its citizens globally so has a very special interest in the research that is conducted to pass their products for public use as can be highlighted in their official statement that “ Merck is committed to participating constructively in the political process. Government proposals to regulate the health care system may directly affect the Company's business and incentives for pharmaceutical innovation. Also, there are important policy initiatives that can further the company's goals with respect to increasing patient access to medicines and vaccines, and most importantly, to health care insurance coverage. It is appropriate for the Company to help inform the debate on these issues in the United States and in other countries.”(Merck 2015). It is very clear in this statement that the purpose of Merck pharmaceuticals is to manipulate governments, legislation, and policy as a means to gain a profit. Most people assume that this would be done ethically but as most are finding out this is not the case.
In a publication by Harvard School of Public health a study was conducted to examine the relationship between Merck Pharmaceuticals and the creation of public policy that results from this relationship. The study was focused on the new vaccine Gardasil being put into use and the authors found that “Merck promoted school-entry mandate legislation by serving as an information resource, lobbying legislators, drafting legislation, mobilizing female legislators and physician organizations, conducting consumer marketing campaigns, and filling gaps in access to the vaccine.” (Mello, Abiola, & Colgrove, 2012). While trying to get their vaccination passed into public use this pharmaceutical company focused its campaign by targeting leaders of healthcare and legislation. The study also found that “Legislators relied heavily on Merck for scientific information. Most stakeholders found lobbying by vaccine manufacturers acceptable in principle, but perceived that Merck had acted too aggressively and non -transparently in this case.” (Mello, Abiola, & Colgrove, 2012). In other words, this company paid policy makers and also provided its own research which may have been faulty as a means for financial gain.
The ethical dilemma this company faces is practicing evil deeds under the guise of helping and saving all of humanity. This company is responsible for injury humans globally with research, drugs, and vaccines but is only punished with a slap on the wrist, a fine, and possible public shaming. There are too many laws put into place to protect this corporate giant and as a result of their unethical practices many people are being harmed with little recourse for justice. Further, it has led to the corruption of the CDC and representatives of government as well. After reviewing these facts it seems as if the only crisis this organization will face is if/when it is exposed for its unethical practices and that will not happen until the American government is exposed as well. Currently, there isn’t a systems of checks and balances in place to protect the American public because even their recourse through the court system has been taken away to an extent by the passing of The Vaccine Injury program.
A few of the Vaccines produced and marketed by this organization are: BCG (tuberculosis), Comvax, Gardasil, Gardasil9, MMR, Pneumovax 23, Pro Quad (Measles, mumps, rubella, and varicella), Recombivax HB, RotaTeq, VAXTA, Varivax, and Zostavax to name a few. There is a long list of immunizations on the schedule for children and adults and the government passed the Vaccine Injury Program to safeguard pharmaceutical companies from safeguards and sold this idea to the American people by telling them that these companies made very little profit from the vaccines and did not want to scare the companies away from producing them. A profit of over nine billion dollars in one year being deemed as small should probably be reevaluated. Recently there has been a controversy that the MMR vaccine was the cause of Autism. Activists, parents, and a small circle of professionals agreed with this assumption and a doctor named Andrew Wakefield did a study on this link in 1998 which he still defends as truth to this day. The problem with this study is that a majority of the co-authors have come forward to claim that the study was falsified. Two things could have occurred here; either the study was falsified or the Co-authors were paid off by Merck pharmaceuticals to recant their research and Dr. Wakefield is being used as a scapegoat. When most people bring up the MMR/Autism link they are usually mocked and the target of ridicule yet there are still people out there who claim there is an actual link between the vaccine and the devastating disability of Autism. Since this study was debunked other research has surfaced that supports the claim that there is no link and anyone who questions this link is obviously a little wacky. However, a recent court case has sparked interest in this debate once again. In this case, whistleblowers brought a suit against the drug maker not because the MMR vaccine caused Autism but quite the opposite. The Merck whistleblowers claimed that the vaccine didn’t work at all. The most interesting aspect of this case is that the whistleblowers won their case. After an outcome this grand one is left wondering if maybe this court case is actually a ruse perpetrated by the drug company as a means to cover up the MMR/Autism link. By having a case on record stating that the drug was ineffective then it seems impossible for it to even cause harm in the first place, especially a harm like Autism.
There are two ethical problems resulting from this situation and the situation involves both Merck Pharmaceuticals and the Centers for Disease control. In a recent story published in Newsweek it is stated that “In the 1980s, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) launched efforts to curb measles outbreaks by increasing immunization rates, says Dr. Robert Amler, who led the push. The CDC worked with state legislatures to require every child to provide proof of immunization in order to enroll and stay in public or private school, and began to see reductions in measles cases within four or five years. By 2000, indigenous transmission of measles was stamped out in the U.S., according to Dr. Walter Orenstein, chair of the National Vaccine Advisory Committee and former director of the CDC's National Immunization Program. (Ziv 2015). By looking back at the timeline of the passing of the Vaccine Injury Program put into place to protect drug companies and the push for increased immunizations it becomes apparent after reading Merck’s statement on being involved with public policy that something scrupulous has and is taking place. In one unethical allegation the CDC pushed for the MMR vaccination that Merck produces which may cause Autism. On the other hand, the CDC is pushing for MMR vaccination that is produced by Merck and the vaccinations are ineffective. In both instances the CDC and Merck have made Dr. Wakefield their scapegoat. The CDC and Merck pharmaceuticals may have created the illusion that Dr. Wakefield is a fraud and then placed the blame of the new measles outbreak on his shoulders by pushing parents not to vaccinate. The end result is that no sane citizen will ever again question the MMR/Autism link for fear of being ridiculed. Further, the Center for Disease Prevention and Merck pharmaceuticals will not have to face the consequences of producing, selling, and forcing a placebo vaccination because the blame can be placed on the shoulders of parents who refuse to vaccinate their children. What is interesting about this whole scenario is what Dr. Wakefield himself has to say about the study that lead to ostracism when “He points out that his now infamous study never asserted a causal relationship between the MMR vaccine and autism. “We merely reported the parent’s description of what happened to their children, and the clinical findings,” he says. “We made no claims about the vaccine causing autism. In fact, we said this does not prove an association. And all we urged was further research.” The authors of the paper wrote at the time, “We did not prove an association between measles, mumps, and rubella vaccine and the syndrome described."(Ziv 2015). This is a very interesting statement because of the fact that he was calling on the scientific community to conduct further research on the MMR/Autism link and not only was he shut up but anyone else who would dare do research on the topic would most likely never bring their findings if negative into the light of day.
The CDC and Merck pharmaceuticals not only acted unethically, they did so together. Moreover, these two organizations scratched each other’s backs all the way to the bank and The CDC Foundation was the convenient troy horse which was built as a way for Merck to slither its way through the back door of the White House and nobody suspects a thing. Merck pharmaceuticals is responsible for creating this moral dilemma through unethical business practices while the Centers for Disease control and The CDC Foundation were hopefully involved in the situation because of the outside force. Merck pharmaceuticals and the CDC Foundation are both responsible for this problem. The only way this situation could have been prevented is to leave business out of the creation of research and medicine.
The theory of deontology was used by these organizations because this theory focuses on the action being right or wrong instead of the consequence of the action. The action of producing vaccinations in order to prevent illness or death conforms to what most consider a moral norm. However, the consequences of those actions are wrong. Laws were passed to protect vaccine manufacturers and as a result the public may have suffered the consequences. Moreover, moral relativism is also called into practice and utilized because while the vaccine manufacturers maybe lying about the effectiveness or damage caused by a bad vaccine in this case it seems as if lying to the public may be the right thing to do. If this lie were to be exposed then many parents would never vaccinate their children at all which could cause harm because some vaccinations are effective in preventing illness with no serious side effects. In this case, each citizen has a duty to become vaccinated based on their obligation to the public at large to remain free of preventable illness. It is then up to the moral relativist to decide if the consequences of this unethical practice are right or wrong.
These companies should have used the virtue theory when manufacturing vaccinations, passing laws making them mandatory, and while conducting research to their safety. If this were the theory that were incorporated then it would not matter if the consequences were good or bad. The only thing that would matter is if these decisions were made with the best interest of society in mind.
There is a very obvious relationship between profit and suffering in this case. Through human suffering created by disease and illness a business is making a sickening profit in the name of man- kind. These organizations are inducing fear into the public through mass marketing of their product and the product may not even work or could kill a person. The awful truth is that any research done on these practices or the vaccinations themselves may not even be truthful or fact.
The meaning of running an ethical business involves making decisions based on the assumption that one should do no harm. A business should decide if they are creating harm and to what degree of harm is the result of their business practices or products.
The best way for a company to maintain its competitive edge and to contribute to overall good or happiness for the majority would be to practice honesty and transparency. Once a company is known as being dishonest all of their practices, products, and associates then become scrutinized as well. In theory these organizations have adopted Virtue ethics as a statement of practice but it literally practices the opposite. This type of schizophrenic practice of business ethics have put people around the globe in harm’s way. For these reasons the relationship between these organizations is unethical and should be banned because it has put the public at risk and their best interest violated.
Regards,
Narcissist Problems
References
Budget Request Summary Fiscal Year 2014. (n.d.). Retrieved May 13, 2015, from http://www.cdc.gov/fmo/topic/Budget Information/appropriations_budget_form_pdf/FY2014_Budget_Request_Summary.pdf
The CDC Foundation - Helping CDC do more, faster. (n.d.). Retrieved May 12, 2015, from http://www.cdcfoundation.org/who/story
Combined Federal Campaign. (2014). Retrieved May 12, 2015, from http://www.cdcfoundation.org/FY20…/combined-federal-campaign
Frantz, P. (2005, February 13). Company profile template. Connexions. Retrieved from http://cnx.org/content/m12649/1.1/
Frequently Asked Questions. (n.d.). Retrieved May 12, 2015, from http://www.cdcfoundation.org/FAQ
Honor Gifts. (2014). Retrieved May 12, 2015, from http://www.cdcfoundation.org/FY2014/honor-gifts
The National Vaccine Injury Compensation Program. (1992). Retrieved May 17, 2015, from http://content.healthaffairs.org/content/11/1/255.short
The Margaret Ellerbe Mahoney Society. (2014). Retrieved May 12, 2015, from http://www.cdcfoundation.org/FY2014/mahoney-society
Mello, M. M., Abiola, S., & Colgrove, J. (2012). Pharmaceutical Companies' Role in State Vaccination Policymaking: The Case of Human Papillomavirus Vaccination. American Journal Of Public Health, 102(5), 893-898. doi:10.2105/AJPH.2011.300576
Memorial Gifts. (2014). Retrieved May 12, 2015, from http://www.cdcfoundation.org/FY2014/memorial-gifts
Merck Announces First-Quarter 2015 Financial Results. (n.d.). Retrieved May 12, 2015, from http://www.mercknewsroom.com/…/merck-announces-first-quarte…
Merck & Co. Inc's. (n.d.). Retrieved May 12, 2015, from http://csimarket.com/stocks/compet_glance.php?code=MRK
Mission, Role and Pledge. (2014, April 14). Retrieved May 12, 2015, from http://www.cdc.gov/about/organization/mission.htm
MRK's comparison of Quarterly Growth Rates to its Competition. (n.d.). Retrieved May 12, 2015, from http://csimarket.com/stocks/competitionNO3.php?code=MRK
We support public policies that advance the interests of patients, improve public health and promote access to medicines and innovation. (n.d.). Retrieved May 12, 2015, from http://www.merck.com/about/views-and-positions/home.html
Worldwide Contact Information. (n.d.). Retrieved May 12, 2015, from http://www.merck.com/contact/contacts.html
Ziv, S. (2015, February 10). Andrew Wakefield, Father of the Anti-Vaccine Movement, Responds to the Current Measles Outbreak for the First Time. Retrieved May 17, 2015, from http://www.newsweek.com/…/andrew-wakefield-father-anti-vacc…

June 3, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Issues"


 
 
Dear Narcissist Problems,

My husband is a narcissist and I'm bipolar. I take my meds, workout, and constantly stay busy so I don't feel bad. If things aren't perfect I get criticized. I don't know how much more I can take, I feel like I am suffocating. I have a 3 yr. old w/ him and I don't want to leave, I want him to have both parents. My husband has abandonment issues as well. Things are okay for now, but the weekends are usually horrible. I'm bipolar and I take meds and cycle on the weekends, he knows this. But sometimes I think either he's super anxious cause of it or purposely pushes my buttons cause a low time for me.

I tried to talk to him about how I was worried about him. He said the people that I'm talking about don't have a conscience at all and that he would have already left me if that was the case, he says he loves me no matter what.

Sincerely,

“Issues”

 

Dear “Issues”,

When did you discover that you were bipolar?  Are you sure that maybe you are not in fact just surrounded by an Asshole?  I am not making light of the situation but life with a narcissist can make us act abnormally. Even if we are not acting abnormally we will be labeled with disorders and forced to comply with the label.  Abusers do this when scapegoating and invalidating a victim to others.  An example of this happened to me when my narcissist tried to prove I was an unfit parent in order to gain custody of my children.  They are very convincing when they tell others of your disorder as well, to the point that even you might believe them.  I would feel like I was suffocating as well if I were expected to be perfect all the time.  Narcissists have this wonderful talent where they tell us what they expect of us and then when we deliver they change their expectations.  It might be something as small as leaving a nightlight on in the bathroom.  We are conditioned to remember this night light every night and if we forget all hell will break loose.  Then one day out of the blue, if the narcissist is bored or needs to feed on your emotions, you turn the night light on and then get under the covers ready for bed.  Then the next thing you know you are under the direct fire of a verbal onslaught of how stupid you are because you left the night light on.  You tell the narc that they want the light on every night and this is when you are called crazy.  “I don’t want the light on EVERY NIGHT only on the nights that (fill in the blank)”.  Then you recondition yourself to make sure the night light is off every night and then a couple weeks/months later the same thing occurs.  “I told you to leave the night light on every night! Why are you turning it off?!?!”  Crazy making at its finest.  This could happen with anything; the way you fold towels, vacuum the floor, cook pasta, wash the windows, when you shower, what you wear, and the list goes on.  Maybe your husband criticizes you as a way to get you to abandon him.  Narcissists are great at creating self-fulfilling prophecies.  They create environments that will result in the behavior.  The same thing occurs when they project their feelings onto us.  They will call us names; lazy, pathetic, a slob, Multiple personalities, whore, or crazy and eventually we may feel this way about ourselves/believe it. Normal people want our children to have both parents but being miserable is not a great way for a child to grow up knowing his parents.  Make a list and evaluate the situation, why are you staying, what are the costs/benefits, and how will the current situation effect your child?  I would seek a free consultation with an attorney, document the crazy (even if it seems meaningless), and get into therapy.  Good Luck to you!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

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