The Unsent letter,
I’m writing a letter to you for the first time in my
life. This might be the first of many
but hopefully not. I am letting you go
this year. There is nothing that I miss,
nothing I remember that was truly loving, or caring. In fact, in the 34 years I have known you I
realize I spent those years trying to make you happy, trying to be good enough,
always trying harder, trying to please you, and be “helpful”. I was your enabler because I allowed you to
treat me as your slave and punching bag all of those years because I didn’t
know anything different. Your words are
bullets. Your words slither through an
open window on a hot summer night like a serial killer upon its prey. You are a predator. When a prey is trying to escape from a
predator they run, and run, and run even when out of danger. The panic does not leave but the prey knows
it is still being stalked. You stalk and
destroy. Now I know this, and the worst
part is that you have helpers. A pack of
hyenas’ so sure of yourselves in your abuse and cruelty. In this cruelty you find pleasure. Almost two years ago I was forced to leave my
home, my town, and everyone who I ever loved in order to stop your abuse and to
try to heal from the aftermath of your grand finale. True to your predator form you continue to
stalk and find your prey. You are now
calling me the narcissist because I “abandon” you. Over and over you sent images of narcissistic
behavior that “applies” to me but your only example is that I abandon you. You said that I am cold hearted and uncaring
and you hope you get to watch when I am served the karma I deserve for hurting you
by leaving. As if I had left on a whim
to my fairytale life. By going No
Contact with you to preserve my sanity and my family I have now been labeled as
your abuser. You sure do have a string
of abusers in your life. After all this time you still hunt me down to poke me
with a stick like some possum on the side of the road that you want to make
sure is dead. The things you have done
to me it seems like you don’t only want me to disappear now I know with all of
my heart you want me dead. You will not
stop until I am dead and you won’t be satisfied until then. The sick part is that I know you will never
kill me yourself, you want me to do it.
For years you have been breaking me down and tearing me apart with every
chance you could. I would feel insane by
now, but guess what? I am not
alone. You consider my abandonment of
you as abuse but you are forgetting the long line of people you victimized
along your years on this earth. You say
I left everyone because I never cared.
You forgot to add the part where you spent years shredding my
relationships to pieces with your lies, slander, gossip, and
triangulation. I left everyone I ever
loved because I could no longer trust anybody.
If I confided in someone what you were doing I quickly found out that I
was automatically disbelieved because you had made sure to do all of the
preventive lying you could manage so nobody would find out what a hideous
monster you really are. It’s easier for
all of you to think I am crazy, irrational, and suffering from a mental
disorder (whichever disorder you chose to pick for me during that period). I tried to reach out to people I loved and
trusted and they turned their backs on me because they didn’t see what you did
to provoke, they only seen my reaction, and you had warned them that I was
“losing it”…..and I am a pathological liar.
My relationships were shattered and I was the last to find out when I
need my loved ones the most. The people
who did see the truth, because they have been your victims as well and stood up
for me, you ridiculed and ostracized them in the same manner all over
again. Harassing us with your false
allegations to police and other government officials. I bet you never seen it coming when you were
found out. Playing the innocent victim
and you finally got caught in your web of lies publicly. Don’t
you dare try to turn me into the uncaring bastard child you wish you had aborted? I realized today, it doesn’t even
matter. I was sad and anxious again
knowing the things you were telling people because you wanted me to know. I’ve had enough, today I am letting you
go. I will not let the fear of YOU
control my life any longer. You have had
35 years to know me in which you spent that time degrading me, humiliating me, punishing
me for fun, turning my loved ones against me, You used me as a maid, cook, your
bill payer, as a slave, you tried to
wreck my marriage, you tried to use the courts to kidnap my children, You made false allegations to government
officials anonymously and all the while you smiled and played the caring martyr
role acting as if you had no idea why I was being investigated by police, child
protective services, or the IRS. Months
of investigations and each time this was your “evidence” that I was
unstable. You never even had the fear of
getting caught in your deceit until it finally happened and then you continued
to play the victim. You were following
your heart, I will never forget those words after all was said and done. You enjoyed every second of the nightmare you
created in my life but I should forgive you because you were following your
heart. At that moment I knew that in
your heart you wanted to destroy me and there never was a reason except you
enjoyed watching my pain and you always have.
I can’t have contact with you because you tried to ruin my life, you
tried to legally kidnap my children, and then when all else failed you tried to
have my husband deported. There are no
lengths you will not go to in order to create chaos and drama and all the while
you sit there with your tub of movie theater popcorn watching in delight. The only thing that gives me any solace about
what happened is that you got caught and then I am reminded of the horrors you
tried to get away with and the anxiety is refreshed. Yes I have trust issues and I think I have
earned them. I have spent this time away
from you analyzing every awful thing that has happened to me in my life and now
I know it was all planned. You planned
all of the horrible things you did in my life because you enjoyed my pain. You made me want to disappear every time you
tried to ruin my self -esteem by pointing out my body flaws in front of anyone
who would participate in the criticism.
You have called me a drug addict, a thief, a liar, and a whore and “no
wonder nobody likes you” when it was really you who is the addict, the thief,
and the liar. You made keys to my homes
and let yourself in and took whatever you desired. You did this to others as well and then you
blamed me. I never found out about this
until your “grand finale”. For years
people have been treating me as if I was a disease and I never knew why until
the end. The truth has a funny way of
coming to light, in this case, in a courtroom.
I have spent my life anxious and inadequate always trying harder to
please people thinking if only I loved more and did more people would like
me. People were never going to like me
as long as you are around and I know this now.
Not only were the people not going to like me I was a horrible judge on
the kind of people who I should want to like me. I am finally starting to love myself and
respect myself. I am slowly letting
people into my life who are good people, kind, caring, supportive, reassuring,
loving, funny, loyal, trustworthy, happy, and whole. I will no longer tolerate people who use and
disrespect me and I’m OK being alone if that is what I need to do to create an
amazing life. The loneliness I have
endured has been enough to last five lifetimes.
The utter isolation. The Lack of
boundaries. During your grand finale it
was like an explosion of bullshit. In
one week I was being investigated by the government, my boss fired me, and all
of my “friends” were whispering about the horrible things I had done. I was the last to find out about all of those
horrible things I was guilty of. You
called my boss and let her in on my “troubles” and then I was fired that
week. Then you contacted everyone who
ever knew me to let them in on my problems.
You decided to become a foster parent because you thought the government
would pay you every month for my children instead of getting a job. You have never had a job. You have spent your life using people. YOU HAVE NEVER HAD A JOB. You will never use my children. I’ve carried
around your guilt and shame for too many years to count and today I am giving
it back to you. I’m sick of walking
around feeling permanently flawed and damaged as if I have a thick layer of disgusting
slime covering my repugnant body. You
and they can all think what you want and you can keep threatening to “find me”
but guess what? I am done running away
from you. I have been running away from
YOU. You destroy people and lives and
you are never going to change and you will never again guilt me into coming
back because I am mean, cruel, and uncaring because I refuse to let you trample
my boundaries and my heart. You are a
murderer. You murder souls and you enjoy
it and you will never stop. I know this
now and I am done. Keep stalking your
prey and pretending to be the victim when others are around. When I was younger and in therapy you told me
something that never made sense until recently “You can’t talk about what goes
on in our house or they will take you away to foster care”. To me that was the worst thought imaginable
and I was your ally. You no longer have
the power to silence me. I will no
longer hide my life and my experiences to protect you. The monster in this relationship is not the
monster you have made everyone to believe that I am. The monster is you and your lies, and rage, your
sneakiness, your manipulation, and all the hurt you have done to me and to
others. I watched my whole life as you
provoked people until they reacted and watched as you so innocently played the
victim. You play the victim so well that
you got away with your abuse while your true victims had to deal with police
and courts. You are the epitome of all
that is evil in human nature. So take
your threats of me “having what’s coming for you” and “I will find you in this
age of technology” and shove them up your pathetic ass. I refuse to live my life being scared and
anxious. I refuse to feel like a “bad
girl” every day. I refuse to live my
life believing I am flawed and damaged.
I am finished feeling like I do not deserve to be loved or
respected. Today I am officially taking
my thoughts and my life away from you. I
refuse to be and feel manipulated, condemned, bashed, censored, silenced, humiliated,
degraded, disgraced, dishonored, chastised, ashamed, embarrassed, mortified,
horrified, guilt ridden, damaged,
diseased, contaminated, ostracized, detested, eradicated, erased, lied to, lied
about, slandered, triangulated, pushed aside, blamed, accused, intimidated,
coerced, blackmailed, bullied, extorted, attacked, tormented, oppressed,
tortured, haunted, hated, tainted, taunted, threatened, or terrorized by
another human being ever again for the rest of my life. You can have all of that back. I will mourn your loss as if you had already died. There is only moving forward and that is what
I plan to do. Heal, rebuild, restore,
grow, mature, learn, love, show and receive affection, dance, cry, feel, absorb
and engage in life, and laugh. You no
longer have the power to take these things away from me. I will spend every day for the rest of my
life setting goals and reaching them successfully because I am good enough.
Sincerely,
Narcissist
Problems
