Showing posts with label survivor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label survivor. Show all posts

May 7, 2016

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Im a Survivor"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

I'd like to suggest posting how it feels when you stay strong, positive and keep moving forward, and take action... It's so indescribable no tension no worry pure happiness and pride and amazement of oneself and its feels amazing I could go on and on but I am finally free of control and can't wait to drive my life.


“I’m a Survivor”

Dear “Survivor”,

     I totally agree!  We do focus a lot on the negative around here and I love your suggestion!  I’ve actually been reflecting a lot lately on how much has changed in my life since going No Contact with my narcissist and anyone who enabled that person.  At first, it feels miserable!!!  In my own situation I went no contact with my mother and then many family members as a result.  I ruminated about how I could go on without these key people in my life.  Who am I without them?  Can I survive without them?  But the most important question I’ve ever had to ask myself and reflect on for a very VERY long time would be “Am I doing the right thing for my own children?”  I spent so long wondering where things had gone wrong and what I could do to fix them that I finally reached a point of realization that these people were slowly killing me.  I had been gutted.  I spent time reflecting on my childhood and how I always felt a sense of connection to my family.  What I did not take into account is that most of that connectedness was in the form of chaos and drama.  That connectedness was a form of connectedness was slowly tearing me apart one humiliation, degradation, and lie at a time.  We truly can’t tear ourselves apart in order to keep others whole and nor should we be expected to.  Especially from family.  After deciding, no family is better than family who actively tries to destroy you from the inside out!  I thought about my children growing up lonely and without those connections but I have made peace in that I know with all of my heart that I had to break this generational pattern of dysfunction.  While I struggle to make holiday traditions or anything else I never learned how to do growing up, I think I’m doing a great job as a mother. 

What happens once you leave a narcissist?

            The first thing that will happen is that your levels of anxiety will slowly wane.  You will probably spend a few months or years afraid to leave your home.  But! Once that anxiety passes you will be filled with a sense of ambition and excitement for life!  Yes you!! The one sitting there in the same clothes without showering for three days because you are depressed or afraid to be caught vulnerable naked in the shower by a random narc attack.  This fear will pass and you will be motivated to finally break out of that image the narcissist created for you and live your life!!


You analyze yourself.  You read books, you join support groups, and you get into therapy.  You think you know who you are but you have spent so many years being told who you are that at this point you really need to find out the truth.  Being with a narcissist in any relationship will wear you down to your core.  You will leave that relationship feeling like an utter failure. A loser, a whore, a liar, a cheat, a drug addict, a horrible parent, a basket case, a control freak, and even possibly an abuser.  You are no good and dirty!  You are a shame and you are guilty of it!  Who knows what it is, but you did it or do it! 

Now is the time to discover the truth and what you find will amaze you!!!   You find out that you are do not have every negative trait known to mankind all in one body.  You are compassionate and caring!  You are creative and intelligent!  Most importantly, YOU are capable of achieving anything you set your heart and mind to.


You do everything you have set your heart and mind to.  You take the steps necessary to building a better life.  A beautiful life.  You take the steps to finally build the life you deserve!  You are finally ready to be you and to be the best you YOU can be!  Unapologetically you.  You start writing and encouraging others who are where you were last year.  You take classes.  You finish that college degree.  You create art.  You redecorate.  You apply for your dream job and you get it!  BECAUSE YOU ARE CAPABLE AND YOU DESERVE IT!!!


You stop to feel grateful that you had the courage to leave.


Just like with abuse you realize there are setbacks in your healing and recovery as well.  There are highs and there will be lows.  These lows come in the form of self-doubt, grief, failing to build proper boundaries in new relationships, paranoia, or a random trigger like a police siren.  This is when you know you have the strength and courage to continue on.  You force yourself out of these negative feelings and the cycle of healing begins again.  You read, you share, and you continue setting goals and smashing them.  There has been a fire lit in your soul and never again in your life will you allow anyone to squelch it.


Narcissist Problems

April 15, 2015

Unsent Letter

The Unsent letter,

I’m writing a letter to you for the first time in my life.  This might be the first of many but hopefully not.  I am letting you go this year.  There is nothing that I miss, nothing I remember that was truly loving, or caring.  In fact, in the 34 years I have known you I realize I spent those years trying to make you happy, trying to be good enough, always trying harder, trying to please you, and be “helpful”.  I was your enabler because I allowed you to treat me as your slave and punching bag all of those years because I didn’t know anything different.  Your words are bullets.  Your words slither through an open window on a hot summer night like a serial killer upon its prey.  You are a predator.  When a prey is trying to escape from a predator they run, and run, and run even when out of danger.  The panic does not leave but the prey knows it is still being stalked.  You stalk and destroy.  Now I know this, and the worst part is that you have helpers.  A pack of hyenas’ so sure of yourselves in your abuse and cruelty.  In this cruelty you find pleasure.  Almost two years ago I was forced to leave my home, my town, and everyone who I ever loved in order to stop your abuse and to try to heal from the aftermath of your grand finale.  True to your predator form you continue to stalk and find your prey.  You are now calling me the narcissist because I “abandon” you.  Over and over you sent images of narcissistic behavior that “applies” to me but your only example is that I abandon you.  You said that I am cold hearted and uncaring and you hope you get to watch when I am served the karma I deserve for hurting you by leaving.  As if I had left on a whim to my fairytale life.  By going No Contact with you to preserve my sanity and my family I have now been labeled as your abuser.  You sure do have a string of abusers in your life. After all this time you still hunt me down to poke me with a stick like some possum on the side of the road that you want to make sure is dead.  The things you have done to me it seems like you don’t only want me to disappear now I know with all of my heart you want me dead.  You will not stop until I am dead and you won’t be satisfied until then.  The sick part is that I know you will never kill me yourself, you want me to do it.  For years you have been breaking me down and tearing me apart with every chance you could.  I would feel insane by now, but guess what?  I am not alone.  You consider my abandonment of you as abuse but you are forgetting the long line of people you victimized along your years on this earth.  You say I left everyone because I never cared.  You forgot to add the part where you spent years shredding my relationships to pieces with your lies, slander, gossip, and triangulation.  I left everyone I ever loved because I could no longer trust anybody.  If I confided in someone what you were doing I quickly found out that I was automatically disbelieved because you had made sure to do all of the preventive lying you could manage so nobody would find out what a hideous monster you really are.  It’s easier for all of you to think I am crazy, irrational, and suffering from a mental disorder (whichever disorder you chose to pick for me during that period).  I tried to reach out to people I loved and trusted and they turned their backs on me because they didn’t see what you did to provoke, they only seen my reaction, and you had warned them that I was “losing it”…..and I am a pathological liar.  My relationships were shattered and I was the last to find out when I need my loved ones the most.  The people who did see the truth, because they have been your victims as well and stood up for me, you ridiculed and ostracized them in the same manner all over again.  Harassing us with your false allegations to police and other government officials.  I bet you never seen it coming when you were found out.  Playing the innocent victim and you finally got caught in your web of lies publicly.   Don’t you dare try to turn me into the uncaring bastard child you wish you had aborted?  I realized today, it doesn’t even matter.  I was sad and anxious again knowing the things you were telling people because you wanted me to know.  I’ve had enough, today I am letting you go.  I will not let the fear of YOU control my life any longer.  You have had 35 years to know me in which you spent that time degrading me, humiliating me, punishing me for fun, turning my loved ones against me, You used me as a maid, cook, your bill payer,  as a slave, you tried to wreck my marriage, you tried to use the courts to kidnap my children,  You made false allegations to government officials anonymously and all the while you smiled and played the caring martyr role acting as if you had no idea why I was being investigated by police, child protective services, or the IRS.  Months of investigations and each time this was your “evidence” that I was unstable.  You never even had the fear of getting caught in your deceit until it finally happened and then you continued to play the victim.  You were following your heart, I will never forget those words after all was said and done.  You enjoyed every second of the nightmare you created in my life but I should forgive you because you were following your heart.  At that moment I knew that in your heart you wanted to destroy me and there never was a reason except you enjoyed watching my pain and you always have.  I can’t have contact with you because you tried to ruin my life, you tried to legally kidnap my children, and then when all else failed you tried to have my husband deported.  There are no lengths you will not go to in order to create chaos and drama and all the while you sit there with your tub of movie theater popcorn watching in delight.  The only thing that gives me any solace about what happened is that you got caught and then I am reminded of the horrors you tried to get away with and the anxiety is refreshed.  Yes I have trust issues and I think I have earned them.  I have spent this time away from you analyzing every awful thing that has happened to me in my life and now I know it was all planned.  You planned all of the horrible things you did in my life because you enjoyed my pain.  You made me want to disappear every time you tried to ruin my self -esteem by pointing out my body flaws in front of anyone who would participate in the criticism.  You have called me a drug addict, a thief, a liar, and a whore and “no wonder nobody likes you” when it was really you who is the addict, the thief, and the liar.  You made keys to my homes and let yourself in and took whatever you desired.  You did this to others as well and then you blamed me.  I never found out about this until your “grand finale”.  For years people have been treating me as if I was a disease and I never knew why until the end.  The truth has a funny way of coming to light, in this case, in a courtroom.  I have spent my life anxious and inadequate always trying harder to please people thinking if only I loved more and did more people would like me.  People were never going to like me as long as you are around and I know this now.  Not only were the people not going to like me I was a horrible judge on the kind of people who I should want to like me.  I am finally starting to love myself and respect myself.  I am slowly letting people into my life who are good people, kind, caring, supportive, reassuring, loving, funny, loyal, trustworthy, happy, and whole.  I will no longer tolerate people who use and disrespect me and I’m OK being alone if that is what I need to do to create an amazing life.  The loneliness I have endured has been enough to last five lifetimes.  The utter isolation.  The Lack of boundaries.  During your grand finale it was like an explosion of bullshit.  In one week I was being investigated by the government, my boss fired me, and all of my “friends” were whispering about the horrible things I had done.  I was the last to find out about all of those horrible things I was guilty of.   You called my boss and let her in on my “troubles” and then I was fired that week.  Then you contacted everyone who ever knew me to let them in on my problems.  You decided to become a foster parent because you thought the government would pay you every month for my children instead of getting a job.  You have never had a job.  You have spent your life using people.  YOU HAVE NEVER HAD A JOB.  You will never use my children. I’ve carried around your guilt and shame for too many years to count and today I am giving it back to you.  I’m sick of walking around feeling permanently flawed and damaged as if I have a thick layer of disgusting slime covering my repugnant body.  You and they can all think what you want and you can keep threatening to “find me” but guess what?  I am done running away from you.  I have been running away from YOU.  You destroy people and lives and you are never going to change and you will never again guilt me into coming back because I am mean, cruel, and uncaring because I refuse to let you trample my boundaries and my heart.  You are a murderer.  You murder souls and you enjoy it and you will never stop.  I know this now and I am done.  Keep stalking your prey and pretending to be the victim when others are around.  When I was younger and in therapy you told me something that never made sense until recently “You can’t talk about what goes on in our house or they will take you away to foster care”.  To me that was the worst thought imaginable and I was your ally.  You no longer have the power to silence me.  I will no longer hide my life and my experiences to protect you.  The monster in this relationship is not the monster you have made everyone to believe that I am.  The monster is you and your lies, and rage, your sneakiness, your manipulation, and all the hurt you have done to me and to others.  I watched my whole life as you provoked people until they reacted and watched as you so innocently played the victim.  You play the victim so well that you got away with your abuse while your true victims had to deal with police and courts.  You are the epitome of all that is evil in human nature.  So take your threats of me “having what’s coming for you” and “I will find you in this age of technology” and shove them up your pathetic ass.  I refuse to live my life being scared and anxious.  I refuse to feel like a “bad girl” every day.  I refuse to live my life believing I am flawed and damaged.  I am finished feeling like I do not deserve to be loved or respected.  Today I am officially taking my thoughts and my life away from you.  I refuse to be and feel manipulated, condemned, bashed, censored, silenced, humiliated, degraded, disgraced, dishonored, chastised, ashamed, embarrassed, mortified, horrified,  guilt ridden, damaged, diseased, contaminated, ostracized, detested, eradicated, erased, lied to, lied about, slandered, triangulated, pushed aside, blamed, accused, intimidated, coerced, blackmailed, bullied, extorted, attacked, tormented, oppressed, tortured, haunted, hated, tainted, taunted, threatened, or terrorized by another human being ever again for the rest of my life.  You can have all of that back.  I will mourn your loss as if you had already died.  There is only moving forward and that is what I plan to do.  Heal, rebuild, restore, grow, mature, learn, love, show and receive affection, dance, cry, feel, absorb and engage in life, and laugh.  You no longer have the power to take these things away from me.  I will spend every day for the rest of my life setting goals and reaching them successfully because I am good enough.


Narcissist Problems