Showing posts with label liar. Show all posts
Showing posts with label liar. Show all posts

July 1, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Highway To Hell"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

If you post this or some part of it - please don’t mention my name. Thank you In February this year, I met a guy on line. We started to talk - he suggested texting, although I was not quite into it we soon started to text a lot 10, 20 texts a day. He told me a few years ago he has been diagnosed with bipolar - but takes medication, and waits for DBT therapy. He said it in context of me working as a support worker in psychiatric services. Before we even had a chance to meet he had cancelled meeting me twice as one time he "got the flu" another time "he had to stay longer at work". He is a very good looking guy, with an excellent dress sense. Even before we met he was frequently asking me questions such as "how are you feeling? What are you up to today?” When we meet - he mirrored my emotions and dreams entirely. Now I see it clearly but at the time - I just thought I meet a really kind and honest guy. He told me a tragic story about his mum commuting suicide and him getting in to foster care, it was odd thing for a first date - but as we already discussed mental health - I didn't think much of it. After we meet he texted me even more, starting making plans for few months ahead - like it would be certain we will be together. He mentioned his exes and described one as being "immature" and another as "being an abusive cheat". He texted me every day from noon till midnight. It was difficult to keep up. I felt that it was "too good to be true" such a handsome guy appeared to be so much into me, but then he seemed to prefer to text me or call me to see me. He has cancelled our plans several times, always giving some "plausible reason" - "work, distressed friend, illness”. It felt it wasn’t right so I told him " I really start to like you, but you keep cancelling on me I feel you are not that much into me, otherwise you would make an effort to see me". He reassured me and said "I will do my best to change it, you are lovely girl, and it is my job to make you feel happy and safe". He appeared to be stressed when I suggested to break it up before it will get too serious. In total we went four times - dating for a month. He asked to be exclusive. We spent hour’s texting. He showed me things he was into - even found me shoes he liked. He told me he had a difficult past - stealing, knife fights, self-harm, but he doesn't do anything like that anymore. Now works in addictions helping homeless people. He didn't push for sex. On our four date we had sex - but just after finishing his phone started to ring, and he run away promising he will see me after two days. Next day he started texting he can’t see me coz his friend is unwell with depression, I wasn't happy with it, he asked to see me after the weekend (as I was working weekend). We continued texting. Tuesday he said he "feels ill and two of his exes started talking to him again - and he wasn’t too happy with it" I said "if both of them are so into you - make them fight the winner can keep you". He said he doesn't want any of them. Wednesday I said I need to talk to him, he said he will get home very late - 12.30 pm and that he feels I guilt trip him about not seeing me - which makes him unhappy and that “I wouldn't have slept with you if I wouldn’t want to see you”. I was tempted to say that we didn’t "sleep together” we "had a 10 minute f*ck session, and I had to check if he didn't leave any cash behind as I felt so cheap after". But I left witticism and waited for him to call me after work. He texted me as promised. It was 12.30 am asked if I still need him to call. I replied "yes" then he didn't call, so I wrote "you must be tired as you don’t call me let’s talk. Tomorrow". He didn’t reply. Next day I woke up around 8 am thinking I am getting played, and that he doesn't even care enough to reply. I wrote " I texted you yesterday waited for your call, I must admit I have fell for you it is pathetic I know but I see you don’t have feelings for me and don t even want to end it in a civil way, wish you good luck”. Then around noon I got a reply “what are you talking about? I didn’t get any texts from you – you didn’t reply to me so I went to bed, and stop being rude and invent issues where there are none – I can call you now if you like”. We spoke 20 min mostly with him telling me how overworked he is, how everyone relies on him, and how he “spreads himself thinly between friends, family and seeing you” Then he said “you made your choice about us – I can’t stop you, although I don’t want to end”. He suggested seeing each other after the weekend, and I agreed. When we finished talking I felt uneasy - “why would he say I am rude? why would he say he didn’t get the texts?, am I not important enough to see me on the day? “So I looked at his Facebook to calm myself down – see nothing dodgy goes on – and then I see him tagged on a picture with a girl – her cover photo. She was wearing the shoes he showed me that was it for me, I felt hurt. I wrote “I looked at your Facebook, as always full of girls commenting on his selfies, you have been out with another girl, I can’t be in competition with others – and she wears the shoes you showed me, I give up”. He first replied with “she is a friend, shoes were a gift – don’t be a child” but then he called me and shouted at me “you have a vendetta against me! I am tired of proving myself to others and you! Leave me alone as I have life to live” then hung up not waiting for my response. I was shocked, didn’t know what to think, nobody ever treated me like that. Then he started writing things like “you make drama out of nothing, I have a right to have friends, as you do. You should apologize to me – you think I am an idiot – stupid enough to date multiple people and plaster Facebook with it?” Then he defriended me on the Facebook. I couldn’t understand what he is on about. It didn’t feel right. I snapped and wrote “I don’t think you are stupid, but hell messed up. What do you want me to apologize? Shame you don’t want to be mates. I will speak to you later, as I am busy”. It felt really bad. He said “Nope don’t want to be your friend, not after what you said” As it felt bad, and I thought that a guy who would care for me wouldn’t act like that, I thought to leave this situation. Next day at evening he texted “ Will you apologize for the things you said yesterday as it hurt a lot” I said “if anything can get better we need to talk in person, maybe I don’t want it to be over yet” I said it coz I wanted a proper conversation and thought he will not see me otherwise. He wrote” When I was 19 a girl died in my arms, that is why I was alone for so long I was hurting, why would I lie to anyone, why would I hurt anyone? Too old for BS games” I read this and it got me creeped out – how dare he play me with a dead body? Truth or not, doesn’t matter – using pity or whatever was that – dead girlfriend - didn’t make me feel safe. I didn’t reply. Next day, he wrote things like “right, if you want to talk you can come to see me near my house for two hours on Tuesday. Yes or no. Answer would be nice as I know you are reading this”. I didn’t reply. Then he was calling left the voicemail, same stuff but sounded a bit nicer. I didn’t reply. This is a bit long – but I wanted to give you full the picture, it finished in April and I still hurt. I went NC, and I stooped myself from looking him up online. When I am low I think about contacting him, but I know that he only would try to manipulate me or shout at me, or be mean in another way. And the thought of contacting him goes away – when I am happier. I don’t understand – how I got so involved is such a short time? or why he wanted me to fall for him? The guy is very good looking so he wouldn’t have a trouble with casual sex, and he knows it. Why he would go out of his way to text and call a girl who wouldn’t matter to him? How I can get over him sooner? Some friends understand, some say “you got played, shame but it is life”. I just need some kind of hope that I will feel better, and that I didn’t mess it up. That is the end.


Highway to Hell


Dear “Highway to Hell”,

     There are so many things going on with this guy that I don’t even know where to begin.  Let me say this first: THANK GOD THE RELATIONSHIP ENDED QUICKLY!!!!!!  I think this guy is a step above a narcissist, he may actually be a psychopath!!!  The circular argument that he created and then blamed you for is the classic narcissistic ploy to keep you on the defense and discrediting your feelings, wants, and needs leaving you apologizing for his infidelity!  The thing that steps this whole situation up a notch is the fact that when he was losing control over you and the situation he brings up the dead girlfriend.  I’m honestly creeped out by this one too.  Two things are going through my mind A. he is a psychopath and he actually killed that girl or B. He is a pathological liar.  The pathological lying is obvious from what you have written but the dead girlfriend, I’m going to believe it.  I’m also going to believe that he killed her, watched the life drain out of her eyes with a sense of pleasure, and then made it look like an accident.  I am so happy you got away from this royal mind fuck!! You got away and you are alive! They say that hindsight is 20/20.  Unfortunately we don’t notice many red flags until the relationship is over and we are left to deal with the aftermath of utter emotional destruction.  The good news is that these encounters leave many of us determined to save others from the same fate so we spend countless hours screaming the red flags from the rooftops in the hopes that others will notice them before it is too late.  The bad news is that we did not notice them before it was too late to save ourselves and we are left to pick up the pieces and heal alone.  One thing that you will notice in your next relationship is to start out slow.  If you notice things moving too fast too soon this could be a red flag of a dysfunctional or toxic person especially if the focus is asking a lot of personal questions and the level of intimacy seems rushed.  While I can’t say that every person we meet online is a bad person but it may be a bad way to start off a relationship romantically.  One of the best self-disclosures he made to you was when he divulged his past to you “He told me he had a difficult past - stealing, knife fights, self-harm, but he doesn't do anything like that anymore.”  Was one of his “knife fights” with the girlfriend who mysteriously died in his arms?!?!?  I hope to god that was a lie to shame you with guilt and pity instead of an actual homicide! Thank god you got away.  The next time you feel like calling this psycho remind yourself that he literally could be a murderer! If not a murderer of humans but a soul murderer, either way you are better off! Did you notice anything missing after you were around him?  I noticed my own narcissist was a kleptomaniac. Moreover, after the first sexual encounter I will bet he may have had that phone call planned ahead of time and the excuse set in stone.  It was probably even his wife. The woman wearing the shoes was probably his wife too. I get the feeling that when your first two dates were canceled maybe he was even in the midst of abandoning his last victim or going through a divorce while love bombing and grooming you to fill that void that was opening.  If the relationship ended in April you still have a long healing process in front of you and I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself.  Think of it this way; you just went cold turkey from the most addictive drug known to mankind, the love/love bombing of a narcissist.  Being in a relationship with a narcissist goes from the extremes of “finding your soulmate” to climbing your way out of hell.  When in a relationship with one of these emotional rapists they sell us our dreams and literally deliver a nightmare.  When leaving any relationship, abusive or not, we always have doubts because we tend to forget the bad and focus on what was good about it.  If things didn’t end well (and usually they don’t with a narcissist and they REALLY don’t with a psychopath) we have a difficult time finding any closure because we linger on what should of, would of, and could of happened instead of what actually did happen.  We begin to blame ourselves for things that went wrong and then we question our own reactions.  We ask ourselves and everyone we know:  Was I too sensitive?  Was I over reacting?  Am I exaggerating?  Was that argument my fault? We have trouble putting the abuse into perspective because we really want to believe that nobody could be that cruel and evil and that maybe yes we are too sensitive, over reacting, or exaggerating what we lived through.  The sad part is that very few people, if any, in our lives will truly understand the type of emotional torture and resulting spiritual conflict that we are going through.  Like the saying goes “You won’t understand it until it happens to you”.  So when we turn to our loved ones or friends (if we have any left at this point) they either will not know how to react to what we tell them or they will tell us to just give it time or just suck it up and move on or Drum roll please, “You Got Played”.  Most of the time this will be the worst advice we will ever receive in our lives.  We need to connect with others who understand the nightmare we just escaped so we can freely talk out our pain without feeling judged or our situation trivialized.  We need to learn from others who have been there to see how they journeyed out of hell.  We need to be inspired by those who did make it out of hell and find the strength to encourage those who are stuck in the labyrinth created by our narcissist.   The narcissists leave us in a maze that seems to have no exit.  Sometimes it is impossible to find an exit and we give up hope of recovery/healing until magically another survivor turns on a light and shows us the way out of that hell.  Good luck to you on your healing journey.  It is going to take time.  It may take years but you can heal from this.  Find a support group with others who have dated a narcissist and get on there and vent, ask questions, learn, and someday in the future you will log into that group and you will read the post of a woman/man who is now in the same situation you are leaving.  Seeing this post you will then realize how far you have come and how much awareness you need to spread to warn the others.  And by others….. I mean the rest of mankind.


Narcissist Problems

June 17, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems "I Can't Sit With Them"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Anon please! I and a group of online friends have been targeted by a woman we thought was our friend. We were all in a secret support group on Facebook, but gradually she took over which resulted in the group becoming a negative place with members banned, bullying of outsiders, and people flocking to her like flies on shit. I had foresight and chose to unfriend her and leave before it got too dark and negative for me. She noticed straight away that we weren't friends anymore, and started an online hate campaign, turning people against me. She told people I was talking about them behind her back, told them I was a scam artist, and generally smeared my name. I lost my online business, I lost friends, and I got depressed and withdrawn and stopped leaving the house. I've had to get a new Facebook account and block everyone from that group. This girl now admins a larger Facebook group, and has turned everyone in there against me as well now. Even though I've blocked her, she's still finding ways to get to me online. What do I do? I've debated going to the police due to feeling unsafe. I'm in the UK. She's actually well-known as she was breastfeeding in public and someone took a picture and called her a tramp, so she's been on the news defending breastfeeding and has set up a campaign called free to feed. It's a bit ironic that someone famous for standing up to Internet bullies is an Internet bully herself. This profile is a whole new profile, but a girl who was my real life friend told her about this profile. I and my friends have saved a lot of screen shots, not enough though I fear as we didn't realize at the time what was going on.


“Can’t sit with them”


Dear “Can’t sit with them”,

     I have experienced this secret group bullying to an extent.  There have been a few secret groups I have joined and been bullied out of actually.  At one point, I was supporting one of the women to do a retreat.  I thought it was a great idea.  However, because I did not use my own pictures on my profile she began questioning my gender. (It was a female only group)  I understood the fear that maybe I could have been a man, I knew I wasn’t a man and had actually belonged to this group for a few months without problem.  She began taunting me and she wanted to Skype to ensure I was in fact a female.  It was totally ridiculous and I eventually replied, “Would you like a picture of my vagina??? Is that proof enough??”  I don’t think she really had an issue with my body parts she was just trying to create a hostile environment.  It turned into a debate on what kind of profiles are acceptable.  I had no problem sharing “myself” with the admin but we join secret groups for a reason, privacy.  To avoid stalking and further harassment.  To gain support in our weakest moments.  The woman was a predator in sheeps clothing and I see it happen a lot.  I typically avoid these people unless I am forced to react and then I only react directly to the issue and not at the emotional provokations.  She was the same type of personality you describe here, cruelness guised as a victim saint and people flocked to her like flies on shit on a hot summer day.  Let them have each other.  What a nightmare you have been through and I hope you have screen shots of what happened.  I know you are in the UK but in the United States there are laws against libel (written slander) and you should be able to sue her in civil court for the destruction of your name and loss of business. Start a new business with a different name, don’t let her destroy you.  I would get a free consult with an attorney ASAP.  Wow, this is exactly how we end up with anon profiles in the first place.  You need to stand up to this bully and do not let her intimidate you into submission.  A covert narcissist usually takes on the role of the martyr or victim of some sort and it seems to be working for her well.  I would contact the police if necessary and defiantly go talk to a lawyer.  Don’t share anymore personal information with anyone who knows her.  It seems like the friend who told her your real name was nothing more than a flying monkey trying to catch a ride on the 15 minute fame train.  Know the red flags and please don’t hesitate to message again.  You shouldn’t feel so alone but I do recommend making another profile but keeping this one open just to collect evidence of the harassment.  If you can have a person who is totally removed from the situation check your messages for you and remove any real life photos so they don’t get spammed out in the smear campaign.  Good Luck to you and remember you are not alone! 


Narcissist Problems

May 25, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems, "99 Problems"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

I'm 22 years old and have a 5 month old son with this guy.  He's my first love. I’m not open about sharing myself with others because I'm afraid of being hurt but I get along with anyone.  I usually put others before myself, I find joy in helping others and helping them better themselves makes me feel good about myself.  I was dedicated to school and basketball until I met him things got rocky.

My mother wasn't really there for me growing up but I still love her.  I live with my father who is a retired police officer and he's pretty cool just sometimes to me it was hard expressing his love as he is also quiet and to himself but I love my parents regardless, giving the hardships I been through. I have 3 sisters and 6 brothers my friendships last years.

I was a virgin until 19 and have only been with 3 guys and one being the one I'm with and that’s the one I'm most comfortable with, he's the one I connected with and I just love him more than anything and thought he would never hurt me.

I’ve been with this guy for almost 3 years now. At first things were good. We met and were just friends and we got closer and closer. We started to share our past rather it be about relationships, family issues, things we liked and didn’t like to do. About 2 months into talking to him he asked me out and within the 3rd month he said he was in love with me. I fell deeply in love with him and I thought he was my match and my soul mate from then on. The first couple months were good until things started to go south. It started when this phone number was continuously calling him late at night around 3 in the morning and I would constantly ask who it was. At times he would say no one and then he would tell me it’s his ex-girlfriend. Well I said why don’t you answer it? He replies and says because I don’t want to, there’s no point because she hurt me and I’m done with her. So I brushed it off but it kept happening so I asked to explain why they broke up. He said she lied about who she was online and she just hurt him. Moving forward I let that go seeing we were together and thought nothing more of the ex. I let this guy move in with me because his parents kicked him out and he had nowhere to go. I fed him clothed him pretty much was there for him through it all. Now things got worse when I would see him texting other girls, and sexting. We would argue and he would tell me it wasn’t like that or say he doesn’t know why he did it and that he loved me I was the only girl for him. I forgave and things went back on track. Then this would happen again either with a coworker or some girl online I would confront same outcome. He made me so paranoid that I would go through his phone when he would be sleep or make fake accounts or numbers and text him to see how he would reply back. When I would confront him with evidence he would be in denial and we argue more or he would pull the, you don’t trust me card or I knew that was you the entire time when I know that was a lie. I would forgive him and life would be good again. On to the 2nd year we would talk more about building and he would say how he loved and wanted to marry me start a family together. I was still in college and playing on the basketball team and I didn’t want to just halt everything. He would tell me a baby would bring us closer and that I was his life. Still occasionally or I shall say when I would find out the infidelity of cheating texting other girls would happen still. But I decided to have a child with him and I feel like that was the biggest mistake. I felt alone the entire pregnancy he was somewhat emotionally there for me. 2 weeks before our sons due date he walked out on me and was gone for a week. Then eventually asked for my forgiveness and I took him back. in the course of being pregnant between the porn websites dating websites the texting of the girls and me finding panties in the car from under our mattress I was fed up and there were excuses for it al. sorry I’m all over the place there’s just so much that has happened. Our son is 5 months old now and we got into an altercation and he has left again and won’t even come see his son won’t answer phone calls messages. he is also on drugs (weed and on probation for it but that doesn’t faze him one bit) I try and try with hi second chances I try to fix him but I find myself hurt or everyone thinks I’m crazy ohhh and the e girlfriend I mentioned of his earlier every time we get in fight he calls her when he knows that affects me I’ve cried my eyes out to him saying why can’t you leave her alone etc.. And he doesn’t see the issue with them talking??? I need help I want to leave my friends and family think I need to but I love this guy so much.


“99 problems and a Narcissist is one”



Dear “99 problems”,

     The first thing I would like to say is Congratulations on finding your way here at the age of 22 instead of 42!!!  You are already years ahead of the trauma many of us here have endured due to our own narcissist problems.  Kudos!  Also, congratulations on the baby! There are some red flags that stand out in your relationship with this guy but I first want to point out the first thing you stated here.  You enjoy helping others because it makes you feel good.  I would really look into this self-observation and spend some time reflecting and exploring the reasons why you think and feel this way.  Do you feel guilty caring for yourself?  Do you feel you do not deserve to love yourself or ashamed to love yourself? 

            I will not try to diagnose your significant other as a narcissist because I do not have the authority to do so, I am not a medical doctor or a psychiatrist.  I do however notice that your relationship went kind of fast from first meeting to declaring him your soul mate.  What did he do that made you feel this way?  The way you describe things here the sketchy behavior started pretty early on with the mysterious 3am phone calls.  One thing that many of us who have lived through a relationship of any kind with a narcissist is that they always keep supply around.  This supply is usually in the form of ex-boyfriend/girlfriends, ex-friends, or an ex-anything.  They tell us these people are obsessed with them or just can’t let go when in reality they are secretly maintaining these relationships but they do so in a way that we would never suspect.  By the time the relationship is over we have also been turned into one of the crazy obsessed ex’s. 

At such a young age you should really make a plan and focus on your priorities.  Ask yourself how you want to see your life play out and what behavior is acceptable and unacceptable in your close relationships, including with family.  Really spend some time evaluating ALL of your relationships because I have the feeling you are holding onto some other relationships that may also be toxic for you.  My advice here is to let this guy go.  Yes it is going to hurt because you love him but you need to love yourself and your baby more.  I suggest finding a system of support from people who are currently not involved in your life.  Distance yourself emotionally for a little while and seek counseling.  If you have health insurance I would visit your family doctor and ask for advice on where to find a therapist without going into too much detail.  If you do not have access to these resources please message the page again so we can help you locate some resources in your area.  A lot of communities have places you can turn to if you are on a limited budget with limited resources.  I believe it would be in your best interest and the babies to take steps that will allow you to become strong, stable, and self-reliant. I am not saying to shut the world out.  I am saying seek a system of support emotionally, seek therapy to learn new ways of forming relationships, and learn how to set healthy boundaries.  You deserve to be treated the same way you treat others.  You deserve to love and be loved.  Make a plan, get back into school, and start building a great life because you deserve it!  Learn from this relationship and later on down the road you will have the skills necessary to never be treated like this again or accept being treated this way.  You are very young and have the power to make changes in your life.  You are also old enough to set boundaries if someone is treating you poorly. 

   If you are uncomfortable, initially, with seeking help then a great place to start when you need to figure out what if anything is wrong is Google scholar.  I wouldn’t do a regular internet search on this subject but get information from very reliable sources.  Search for things that you are wondering about “Emotional abuse” “infidelity” “red flags of abuse” etc.  We have all found our way here because of that initial Google search and while it is wonderful being able to connect with others who share your experience and pain it should be limited to just that, sharing experiences.  In order to heal learn about what has happened to you from professionals and professional sources.  I can share my experience and give advice but I can’t show you how to heal because I have no experience, other than my own, on which to reference.  Each of us are on our own journeys and it is up to each of us on how hard we work to heal from the trauma we have endured.  I will list some articles, journals, and basic information that may be helpful for you and the rest is up to you.  Good luck on your healing journey and if you need emotional support we are always here for a shoulder to lean on!


Narcissist Problems

Here is an idea on where to start from resources available on Google Scholar


Psychological Reports 1979 45:2 , 590-590


Psychological Trauma and the Adult Survivor: Theory, Therapy, and Transformation

 By I. Lisa McCann PhD., Laurie Anne Pearlman PhD.



Dating infidelity: Behaviors, reasons and consequences.

Roscoe, Bruce; Cavanaugh, Lauri E.; Kennedy, Donna R.

Adolescence, Vol 23(89), 1988, 35-43.

Surveyed 247 17–23 yr olds concerning 3 issues: behaviors that constitute infidelity in a dating relationship, reasons for a dating partner to be unfaithful, and reactions to a dating partner's infidelity. Responses indicate more similarities than differences between dating infidelity and extramarital affairs with regard to behaviors, causes, and consequences. Results are discussed in terms of similarities between dating and marital infidelity and the rationale for professionals to interact with adolescents concerning the potential long-term consequences of dating infidelity. (PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2012 APA, all rights reserved)