Showing posts with label no contact. Show all posts
Showing posts with label no contact. Show all posts

April 2, 2017

End the narcissistic nightmare and go no contact in ten steps

Stop allowing your narcissist to hang you out to dry and go no contact like a boss.

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Hi there, came across your page, and wondering if I can ask for advice? Thanks in advance it’s a really long story, short version I think my ex is a narcissist and he's still in my life. I've done the usual google to check but wanted to ask someone. 

A few of the things he's done - I met him at work in 2010, he told me he was divorced/ separated, he lied.  He got me sacked from my job and made me have an abortion. I would end it, and he'd contact me, he accused me then after 3 years of harassment and then took me to court, he even put me on a two year restraining order. My dog died in January 2016, he then messages me, knew about the dog dying and also knew about personal things in my life, as I'd gone back to college. He flirted, saying it's good to see me, how he's missed me and that he wants his friend back. He also said if he wasn't married I should know he'd be with me.

He manages to twist things, if it's his fault somehow it's mine, like with court I asked why did he take it that far? His answer “you were being a dick, so I was". Sorry probably too much information but I'd appreciate any advice I don't know if you can help at all? Or if it applies to what this page is about.

 Some examples: I'd ask to meet up, email or phone to talk. Because in the past he'd message me out of blue, after he'd ended the relationship, he created other accounts online to contact me, so I shouldn't of but I did the same to try to talk to him as I loved him. I was a bit of a pain. And I'd message I'd been told not to but didn't think that would happen. So much happened it's hard to explain but I'll try my best. The police weren't interested in my side. He came across as the victim to them. When I'm sure I am. Even officials at court said to be careful because it sounds like he's got it in for you. Also during the order, he would follow me online, create an account and show up.


“I'm a hot mess”

Dear “Hot Mess”,

Oh you definitely made it to the right place! There is no doubting that any longer. This is your official validation that you are now amongst others who know exactly what you are going through and I can’t think of a better place for you to be at the moment. Please join our support group and you will quickly realize exactly how not alone you are right now (and in the right place)!

The first thing I need to say is get this person out of your life like yesterday! He is an abuser! He might not be hitting you but he is emotionally, psychologically, coercively, and reproductively abusing you. A person doesn’t need to hit you in order for them to be an abuser. There is a cycle to all this madness when dating a narcissist and it goes like this: idealize (love bomb or reel you back in), devalue (tear you down), then discard (throw you away again). This guy has this cycle down to a T.

            Think of all the pain and heartache and grief this person has caused you. Do you really want to deal with this for another five years? This is what you need to do immediately which is to go NO CONTACT. Every time he ignores you for months (silent treatment/discard) and then finally sends a message and you reply is a HUGE power surge for him.

 He doesn’t miss you or care about you, it is ALL ABOUT HIM and the way it makes him feel knowing that he has torn your life apart and still you have left a space for him. “Friends” don’t get restraining orders against each other. “Friends” don’t force each other to have abortions. Our “Friends” are not married and secretly having affairs with us. He likes the feeling of knowing that he OWNS YOU and nothing more.

            I don’t want to sound harsh but I really need to get this point across to you. I talk to men and women every single day who have wasted YEARS and DECADES of their lives with partners just like the one you described above. Please don’t do this to yourself. You are going to need therapy! A normal friendship does not result in the need for intensive therapy focused on treating trauma.

First thing is first: Document the Crazy

I don’t know how long the restraining order was for but I’m going to let you in on a little secret. This man is saving EVERY single interaction you have with him and he now has the power to have you arrested because you are in violation of a court order. So what you need to be doing is documenting each time he contacts you.

 Let him know that you are not ok with him contacting you. Report to the police each time he contacts you. And take his ass back to court and get your own restraining order. You know what…. I’m going to throw in a link so you can ask a lawyer any questions you have regarding this case free and anonymously and you can go from there.

This narcissistic jacka&& (excuse my language, so sorry, I could change that word but honestly there is no other word to describe him at the moment) is ALSO going to use the documentation of your interactions to further coerce and blackmail you. If you ever threaten or he thinks you might try to contact the police or his wife he will use this “evidence” to make you shut up with the threat of jail time. YOU DON’T NEED THIS OR DESERVE THIS. As I stated above you need to go full blown NO CONTACT with this narcissistic loser and I’ll explain exactly what that means.


Some people decide upon going low contact which is to have minimal interactions with a narcissist as needed. These situations usually involve close family members or when you share children.  Usually when one starts the process of low contact they quickly realize that no contact is required because narcissists do not respect and never will respect your boundaries. Low contact is usually maintained as the result of a court order that forces parents to interact in regards to their children.

 In this situation, you need to go full blown no contact. What this means is that this is it. Keeping this person in your life will only result in more harm and destruction and you need to sever all ties completely. Once you go No Contact there is no going back. There will not be one last phone call or one last chance for them to explain things. They have proven themselves to be a toxic abuser. You have tried to fix the relationship numerous times and nothing has ever changed. You have officially reached the end of your rope. You have no option but to cut them out of your life because the abuse will never end.
Some people, typically abusers, love to point out that their victim has been giving them the “silent treatment” when they go No Contact.  So let’s take a moment to clarify that No Contact is NOT the silent treatment.  These are two completely different things and a distinction should be made at this point to clear up any confusion.

The silent treatment is a tactic that abusers use to manipulate their victims into compliance. An abuser will give their victim the silent treatment in order to control the behavior of the victim.  In your situation the silent treatment may have been utilized in order to get you to agree with having an abortion.

If you wanted to keep the baby and he did not he might have ignored you until you changed your mind. This is also known as coercion and reproductive abuse…. Which are two different types of abuse you should look up because I’m trying to get to a point but there is so much crazy to a narcissist that it gets a little difficult! (So note to self: look up Coercive control and reproductive abuse after I read this). Ignoring a person until they agree with you is not No Contact, it is the silent treatment.



You have accepted that your abuser will not change and have exhausted all avenues to maintain and repair the relationship. They have consistently shown you that they have no desire to change and they also probably see nothing wrong with their behavior which only reinforces your need to protect yourself.

 There is ZERO manipulation of another person involved with going No Contact. We do not go no contact hoping for them to change. We go no contact with the acceptance that they will never change and we need to protect ourselves from further abuse. With that said we can now get into what it will take to go no contact.


 Only you can gage how manipulative your narcissist can be. Close your eyes and picture what lengths they will go to in order to contact you and manipulate you back into the relationship. Think of the most outrageous stunt you think they would pull. Think of who they might contact trying to find you.

Think of all the crazy that will take place when they are in a rage at your decision to never speak to them again. Has your narcissist been known to get violent while in a narcissistic rage? How vindictive are they or have you seen them be? Have you ever seen them or have they ever told you that they destroyed someone’s property before? Do they break things when angry like throwing dishes against walls when in an argument? Vandalize property as payback when wronged in the past? Do they stalk? Have you ever seen them entice others into violence on their behalf? If you know or your gut is telling you that these things are possible then follow that natural instinct because whatever you think they are capable of doing they will.

Now multiply your expectations of manipulation, rage, revenge, stalking, and destruction of property by 1000. You can NEVER truly gage the level of crazy that will take place but I can guarantee you that it will reach a level that not even you could have imagined.


This really is like going to war and what you are fighting for is your freedom and sanity. List all of your social media accounts, emails, phone numbers, mutual friends, co-workers, neighbors, and on and on and on.

Really spend some time thinking about people that should be on this list. This could include your best friend little Kimmie from first grade you told him about one time or your Aunt Florence 3 states away.

Also make a list of “safe” people. These would be people that you know you can trust. They don’t know your narcissist and your narcissist has no way of knowing who they are. These are people that the narcissist will not be able to manipulate in any way, shape, or form into betraying you or telling the narcissist where you are. These people will also not be able to bring back little pieces of information that the narcissist wants them to tell you. Inform a few of your “safe” people, or even just one, of what you are dealing with. Don’t be embarrassed.

This is not the same as recruiting flying monkeys either where others are used to punish and harass on the behalf of a narcissist. This is so you have people who will check on you to make sure you are still with us on planet earth. These are also people who you can trust with your email and social media account information because you might need them to log into accounts later on in case you are harassed so they can print the documentation of the harassment so you don’t read everything and then start replying. If you can’t trust yourself to not respond to online contact then you need someone to do this for you.

No contact is the end. There is no need to continue defending yourself against their verbal attacks. There is also no need to continuously get hurt by all the awful things they are telling you in email or the mind games they are playing with their fake profiles.


 Go buy a flash drive to save anything from online like pictures or videos and documents. A blank notebook to document anything that might happen as well as a quick summary of what you did everyday, and a nice plastic storage folder/binder.

 You can also find some really inexpensive security cameras on Amazon, I’ll link a couple in. Well... I found one that was kind of expensive but its a freakin water bottle........ I'm not saying to buy spy cam's to stalk anyone but you do need to protect yourself. When you go no contact expect this person to rise to an entirely new level of crazy and this might involve the destruction of your property or breaking into your property. If its possible have a camera pointed at the front and back of your home.

 Some of the cameras below have night vision.... epic. Oh and one allows you to view remotely. Spy glasses? Seriously, I wish I had glasses that recorded every conversation with my narcissist! "Oh really, that never happened??? Well lets see what the footage from our conversation on April 2nd 2010 at approximately 5:47 p.m. was really all about shall we??"...... Let me just say if nobody has noticed I'm pretty serious about my legal documentation only because if I had been documenting all along I wouldn't have been blindsided in the first place so DOCUMENT THE CRAZY!!!


 Make it known that you want no further contact with them and make sure its in writing. This doesn’t mean take an ad out in the local paper. What this means is that they are aware (in the eyes of the law) that they should not be contacting you after this point. Any future contact is unwanted. This point of no contact will usually happen when they show up to your home or job after you have ignored some calls and emails. They will begin to push your boundaries at this point to see what you will let them get away with. Do Not Budge.

The only and final reaction they should get from you at this point is a written cease and desist statement. Most people would say “oh god honey just ignore them and be done with it”. I don’t suggest taking this route for one reason, documentation for court. You want to have it in writing either through an email that sends an alert when it’s been opened or through certified mail STAMPED WITH A DATE AND TIME and possible signature upon certified delivery from the post office.

Why? Because you’re probably going to need a restraining order. If you don’t have documentation that you didn’t want to be contacted then how would the narcissist know? They will just lie and say they had no idea.  Further, in most states now if there is a restraining order both parties are in violation of that order if contact is initiated. Document those violations!

Keep in mind, he isn’t used to you saying “no” and he has already taken you to court once. Do WHATEVER you need to do but get it documented that you don’t want any contact and make it clear that you WILL follow through with legal action if he does not desist from any future contact. You should be calling the police every time that order is violated by him because I promise you he will try to turn that around as if you were contacting him if he can, I’ll talk about how in step 7. This is useful information for men and women because narcissists are well known to come in both genders.


You are going to have some things to take care of.  Take out the list you made in step 2 and go through all of your online accounts and block all of his accounts so that it is impossible for him to contact you online. If need be make new accounts for everything and DO NOT SHARE THESE ACCOUNTS WITH ANYONE THE NARCISSIST KNOWS.

Further, manage your privacy settings on ALL social media so that they can’t spy on you. Make sure if you join a support group online that you are either able to use an alias or that the settings are “secret”. I honestly suggest making alias profiles in any situation where you are talking about your life online.

If a social media platform prohibits the use of an alias then don’t talk about your life at all on that account. Don’t share your location, pictures, people you hang out with, where you work, or anything else you’re your abuser will be able to use to locate you with. Facebook says they care about harassment but they are light years behind narcissistic stalkers and their policies do zilch to protect victims of stalking.

Make sure to delete anyone on your friend’s lists that you don’t know because they just might be one of his fake accounts. I personally did not use my name on social media for 4 years after going no contact. I made an account about six months ago with my name to test the waters. I have had to verify my identity to Facebook over 10 times already. Every time I log into my account and have any activity I get reported. Every. Single. Time.  

Make new email accounts and give a trusted friend access to your email that he contacts you through so your friend can check for messages. When he creates fake accounts to contact you have your friend print the emails, comments, and other online attempts to contact you. Take out your nice plastic binder and add each new encounter and keep these records in a safe place.


 This might seem a bit excessive but trust me on this one. You don’t want them to have your phone number and probably not for the reason you are thinking. Anyone with a smartphone can officially send text messages to cell phones and home phones these days. I will only cite one good reason to change your number as soon as you read this.

There is this nifty new app called a caller ID Spoofer. You need to protect yourself from the very real possibility that your narcissist will use this app to send themselves text messages from your phone number and then use those text messages to further harass you with court and police action. Please don’t end up in jail because you didn’t change your number.

 All they have to do is set the app up to send a text from your phone number to theirs with a statement like “When I see you I’m gonna beat the ever living crap out of you and torture you for weeks before finally finishing you off with my bare hands” and BAM! Just like that you might go to prison for not only violating your restraining order but threatening their life! Trust me, this just happened to someone in our support group and thank god they changed their phone number beforehand and the narcissist got caught!

8.    MOVE

Get as far away from them as possible and don’t look back.  If and when you move DO NOT tell ANYONE your new address. Get a P.O. Box and use that for utilities, driver’s license, and anything else. You don’t want to have to deal with this all over again in 2 years after these vulture companies start selling your contact information and you end up on one of those sites where you can look up anyone’s address on public record. Move as far away as humanly possible. If it’s possible to leave the planet and live on Mars at this point do it! Narcissists will NEVER stop hunting you down.


You really need to treat this as you would a cancerous tumor. You wouldn't cut half a tumor out and if you remove cancer you can't leave pieces of it behind or it will only grow back. This is alot like removing narcissists and flying monkeys from our lives. You gotta get it all or the disease will remain and slowly fester into your demise.

This is an especially difficult decision for those who need to go No Contact with abusive family members. If you need to go No Contact with a parent then you also need to accept and grieve the loss of many other family members who perpetuate, instigate, or condone the abuse. Many survivors of abuse find themselves utterly alone. Narcissistic abuse destroys generations of family members. Here is the thing though, if the abuse doesn’t stop with you, then where will it? With your children and you? With you and your grandchildren?

Narcissistic personality disordered children grow into parents and then grow into grandparents. I know I’m going to hear from the one “recovering” narcissist out there of how I should have compassion because narcissists are people too and they are capable of change but here is the thing; they aren’t. There is no known cure for this personality disorder. Many of those who suffer from it will never even be diagnosed because they will never see themselves as a problem. Do I feel bad for telling thousands of abuse victims that their narcissist will never change? Hell No. Go find another website for your cause if you’re here to convince people that anyone with a cluster B will change so I should have compassion. I’ve had 33 years of compassion….. I’m all compassioned out when it comes to narcissistic abusers. Sorry not Sorry.

Moving along, you will find that people might try to shame you, guilt you, and manipulate you back into contact with the narcissist. They will pretend to care about you. Ask you questions about your life. They want all the details. Here is another thing, they don’t give a shit about you they just want something juicy to tell your narcissistic abuser right after they hang up with you. They are also probably recording the conversation. Cut anyone who is not 100% for you out of your life. You’ve got a lot of work to do with yourself and you don’t need any more anchors holding you under water. You’re damaged enough and now it’s time to heal.


A narcissist will try every trick in the book to get you back into the cycle of abuse. They will say someone died when they haven’t. Hell…. One lady had a narcissist fake his own death and then he made up family members to call and harass her to “release” the body. She didn’t find out it was a lie until going to the coroner’s office. Anyway, they will try to get your pity, they will try to intimidate you, they will try to send others to sway you, and then when everything fails they will get downright destructive. If you do disappear, mark my words, they are sitting there waiting for some sign of you. Relentlessly googling your name for the hopes some new information will pop on Google. They will even hire private investigators to find you. Whatever they attempt DO NOT BREAK NO CONTACT!

I won’t promise this will be an easy journey but I promise that it will be worth it if you do maintain No Contact. You need to do you. You need to heal you. You need to get into therapy specialized for those who have experienced trauma. Most importantly you need to maintain no contact. Take a moment to realize that the narcissist will never stop. By going no contact with your abuser you have become a lifelong enemy. They will stop at nothing to seek and destroy. They will use numerous methods to get you to engage with them again.

They will even pretend to forgive you so that they can reel you back in. Once you feel confident that they might have possibly changed. They finally realized the abuse they had caused. When you finally feel at peace, loved, an appreciated. When you finally feel like this is a real relationship, a real bond, and all hurdles were overcome they will strike down with a vengeance like the wrath of Satan. Narcissists do not forgive. Narcissists do not forget. Narcissists do not change.

I really did not mean to write a book here but this is serious and there is so much more that I wanted to get into especially regarding the abortion. It doesn’t matter if he is a narcissist or not because one thing is clear to me. This person is an abuser and has no sense of boundaries even when it comes to your body. What’s his is his and what is yours is his and that really takes a pair of brass ones if you get my drift. I really hope that this helped you somewhat. Please start looking for a therapist that specializes in trauma and take these steps to protect yourself mentally and legally. I really wish you luck because it is a really long road to heal after narcissistic abuse.


Narcissist Problems

May 7, 2016

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Im a Survivor"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

I'd like to suggest posting how it feels when you stay strong, positive and keep moving forward, and take action... It's so indescribable no tension no worry pure happiness and pride and amazement of oneself and its feels amazing I could go on and on but I am finally free of control and can't wait to drive my life.


“I’m a Survivor”

Dear “Survivor”,

     I totally agree!  We do focus a lot on the negative around here and I love your suggestion!  I’ve actually been reflecting a lot lately on how much has changed in my life since going No Contact with my narcissist and anyone who enabled that person.  At first, it feels miserable!!!  In my own situation I went no contact with my mother and then many family members as a result.  I ruminated about how I could go on without these key people in my life.  Who am I without them?  Can I survive without them?  But the most important question I’ve ever had to ask myself and reflect on for a very VERY long time would be “Am I doing the right thing for my own children?”  I spent so long wondering where things had gone wrong and what I could do to fix them that I finally reached a point of realization that these people were slowly killing me.  I had been gutted.  I spent time reflecting on my childhood and how I always felt a sense of connection to my family.  What I did not take into account is that most of that connectedness was in the form of chaos and drama.  That connectedness was a form of connectedness was slowly tearing me apart one humiliation, degradation, and lie at a time.  We truly can’t tear ourselves apart in order to keep others whole and nor should we be expected to.  Especially from family.  After deciding, no family is better than family who actively tries to destroy you from the inside out!  I thought about my children growing up lonely and without those connections but I have made peace in that I know with all of my heart that I had to break this generational pattern of dysfunction.  While I struggle to make holiday traditions or anything else I never learned how to do growing up, I think I’m doing a great job as a mother. 

What happens once you leave a narcissist?

            The first thing that will happen is that your levels of anxiety will slowly wane.  You will probably spend a few months or years afraid to leave your home.  But! Once that anxiety passes you will be filled with a sense of ambition and excitement for life!  Yes you!! The one sitting there in the same clothes without showering for three days because you are depressed or afraid to be caught vulnerable naked in the shower by a random narc attack.  This fear will pass and you will be motivated to finally break out of that image the narcissist created for you and live your life!!


You analyze yourself.  You read books, you join support groups, and you get into therapy.  You think you know who you are but you have spent so many years being told who you are that at this point you really need to find out the truth.  Being with a narcissist in any relationship will wear you down to your core.  You will leave that relationship feeling like an utter failure. A loser, a whore, a liar, a cheat, a drug addict, a horrible parent, a basket case, a control freak, and even possibly an abuser.  You are no good and dirty!  You are a shame and you are guilty of it!  Who knows what it is, but you did it or do it! 

Now is the time to discover the truth and what you find will amaze you!!!   You find out that you are do not have every negative trait known to mankind all in one body.  You are compassionate and caring!  You are creative and intelligent!  Most importantly, YOU are capable of achieving anything you set your heart and mind to.


You do everything you have set your heart and mind to.  You take the steps necessary to building a better life.  A beautiful life.  You take the steps to finally build the life you deserve!  You are finally ready to be you and to be the best you YOU can be!  Unapologetically you.  You start writing and encouraging others who are where you were last year.  You take classes.  You finish that college degree.  You create art.  You redecorate.  You apply for your dream job and you get it!  BECAUSE YOU ARE CAPABLE AND YOU DESERVE IT!!!


You stop to feel grateful that you had the courage to leave.


Just like with abuse you realize there are setbacks in your healing and recovery as well.  There are highs and there will be lows.  These lows come in the form of self-doubt, grief, failing to build proper boundaries in new relationships, paranoia, or a random trigger like a police siren.  This is when you know you have the strength and courage to continue on.  You force yourself out of these negative feelings and the cycle of healing begins again.  You read, you share, and you continue setting goals and smashing them.  There has been a fire lit in your soul and never again in your life will you allow anyone to squelch it.


Narcissist Problems

July 18, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems "Falsely Accused"

 Dear Narcissist Problems,

So, he gas lighted me for 5 years. Including moving things in the house. He tried to make me think I was losing my memory and ability to make sound judgements. He lied and denied things he said or did, that I saw. He convinced his coworkers that I'm a control freak, convinced his family I'm unstable, discredited me to my friends, made me look like an incapable parent, projected his feelings that I'm a bad person down my throat. So I am getting a divorce. My daughter told me her dad tickles her vagina. I told the therapist. Cps was called. He is so good that even with the other incidents of abuse and my daughter’s symptoms they dropped the case. He made it look like I was spinning information and that I'm crazy. His therapist thinks I have serious issues and need a psych evaluation in court. His lawyer thinks I'm nuts and his parents won't talk to me. The worst part... My lawyer decided not to take my case, she referred me to another lawyer, and he won't take my case. I called my original lawyer with no response from her. He's taking me to court and I have no representation and am forced to sign on papers I don't know how to read... Legal jargon. We had sex three times in 6 years, he ignored, rejected, humiliated, projected, used porn and refused his wife, lied constantly, double standards, got his needs met by our 5 yrs. old daughter. He provoked me constantly, threatened to call the cops on me, and stonewalled. No closure, no conflict resolution. Denied all his abusive behaviors or blamed me, used dating sites... Which he denies, he lived a double life while smearing me to his people... He also kept me away from those people. He had more contempt and disrespect then I knew was possible. He has another personality for the public. My daughter and I both had PTSD, but I can't get a lawyer.


“Falsely Accused”

Dear “Falsely Accused”,

One of the most difficult situations we will ever be in with a Narcissist is when we are forced into a courtroom battle that involves our children.  Since starting this page I have heard from numerous people who have described your exact situation and this is why I want and need more people like yourself to write the page and let us know what is going on in our family court system today.  Unfortunately, these people are very good at making us appear to be crazy to the point that lawyers do not want to represent us.  The case is not easily shut and closed as we spend months and years dealing with false allegations and being court ordered into psychiatric evaluations or worse actually being forced into a mental institute based solely on the false allegation.  What we have to say about our experiences with the family court system is met with disbelief as normal people do not believe that the courts or a governmental agency is able to remove our human/civil rights with zero evidence of wrongdoing.  Guess what folks, it is happening.  Every. Single. Day.  Until we bring an awareness to this situation we are going to get lost in the system and have our lives stripped away from us by the family court system.  The way it works is that a false allegation will be made against an otherwise healthy/normal person usually to child protective services.  Child Protective Services can then remove the parent rights of the falsely accused based on little evidence of wrong doing and hearsay.  The parent is then left to defend themselves against these allegations and usually forced to sign papers before court without understanding exactly what they are signing.  A parent will assume that they are agreeing to evaluations with the idea that this will prove that they are innocent of the false allegations but what happens when that paper is signed is the exact opposite.  The signature is then used as proof that the parent falsely accused has admitted guilt of wrong doing; when they were under the impression that they were trying to prove their innocence by cooperating with the government.  Further, the standard of evidence for a family court case is lower than the standard used in the criminal court systems.  Also, there is no right to a trial by a jury of our peers.  The family court system is becoming a breeding grounds for abusers to father abuse their victims and we need to stand up against this injustice!  Nothing good comes from secrets and the family court system is a very secret affair.  The only option we have is to maintain our innocence, keep speaking the truth, research laws, and take our own cases Pro Se.  I know it is not advisable to represent yourself in a court of law but when we are given no choice this is what we must do in order to prevail.  If we sit and do nothing, not one person will care that we are not represented, and that is including the judge.  The next hearing I suggest asking the judge for a lawyer and request a continuance.  Become very familiar with your state laws, case law, and be prepared to fight for yourself.  Document the crazy and bring that documentation with you to court!  Document dates, times, what was said etc.  Document even the little things.  Do not be afraid to contact the police and report the crazy.  Just keep this thought in mind when you feel you are being too hard on crazy “They would do this to me and worse”.  Many times we have trouble calling the police when the crazies are acting crazy because we feel we are being irrational or hypersensitive and it will make us look worse in court.  The more people you can get involved with the witnessing of this abuse the better for you besides the obvious of protecting yourself and your children.  Let his lawyer think what they want, let his parents think what they want, and let the whole damn town think what they want.  The only thing that matters is that you keep speaking the truth even if your voice shakes and even if you are standing alone looking like a lunatic because nobody believes you.  If you lose your children to this monster, appeal.  Then you continue appealing until your case is heard in federal court because THAT is how laws are changed.  Do not flinch at their judgements but stand strong and know that you are not alone!  If we continue to spread awareness of this situation it will force our law makers to take a closer look!  Good Luck to you!


Narcissist Problems

June 17, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems "I Can't Sit With Them"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Anon please! I and a group of online friends have been targeted by a woman we thought was our friend. We were all in a secret support group on Facebook, but gradually she took over which resulted in the group becoming a negative place with members banned, bullying of outsiders, and people flocking to her like flies on shit. I had foresight and chose to unfriend her and leave before it got too dark and negative for me. She noticed straight away that we weren't friends anymore, and started an online hate campaign, turning people against me. She told people I was talking about them behind her back, told them I was a scam artist, and generally smeared my name. I lost my online business, I lost friends, and I got depressed and withdrawn and stopped leaving the house. I've had to get a new Facebook account and block everyone from that group. This girl now admins a larger Facebook group, and has turned everyone in there against me as well now. Even though I've blocked her, she's still finding ways to get to me online. What do I do? I've debated going to the police due to feeling unsafe. I'm in the UK. She's actually well-known as she was breastfeeding in public and someone took a picture and called her a tramp, so she's been on the news defending breastfeeding and has set up a campaign called free to feed. It's a bit ironic that someone famous for standing up to Internet bullies is an Internet bully herself. This profile is a whole new profile, but a girl who was my real life friend told her about this profile. I and my friends have saved a lot of screen shots, not enough though I fear as we didn't realize at the time what was going on.


“Can’t sit with them”


Dear “Can’t sit with them”,

     I have experienced this secret group bullying to an extent.  There have been a few secret groups I have joined and been bullied out of actually.  At one point, I was supporting one of the women to do a retreat.  I thought it was a great idea.  However, because I did not use my own pictures on my profile she began questioning my gender. (It was a female only group)  I understood the fear that maybe I could have been a man, I knew I wasn’t a man and had actually belonged to this group for a few months without problem.  She began taunting me and she wanted to Skype to ensure I was in fact a female.  It was totally ridiculous and I eventually replied, “Would you like a picture of my vagina??? Is that proof enough??”  I don’t think she really had an issue with my body parts she was just trying to create a hostile environment.  It turned into a debate on what kind of profiles are acceptable.  I had no problem sharing “myself” with the admin but we join secret groups for a reason, privacy.  To avoid stalking and further harassment.  To gain support in our weakest moments.  The woman was a predator in sheeps clothing and I see it happen a lot.  I typically avoid these people unless I am forced to react and then I only react directly to the issue and not at the emotional provokations.  She was the same type of personality you describe here, cruelness guised as a victim saint and people flocked to her like flies on shit on a hot summer day.  Let them have each other.  What a nightmare you have been through and I hope you have screen shots of what happened.  I know you are in the UK but in the United States there are laws against libel (written slander) and you should be able to sue her in civil court for the destruction of your name and loss of business. Start a new business with a different name, don’t let her destroy you.  I would get a free consult with an attorney ASAP.  Wow, this is exactly how we end up with anon profiles in the first place.  You need to stand up to this bully and do not let her intimidate you into submission.  A covert narcissist usually takes on the role of the martyr or victim of some sort and it seems to be working for her well.  I would contact the police if necessary and defiantly go talk to a lawyer.  Don’t share anymore personal information with anyone who knows her.  It seems like the friend who told her your real name was nothing more than a flying monkey trying to catch a ride on the 15 minute fame train.  Know the red flags and please don’t hesitate to message again.  You shouldn’t feel so alone but I do recommend making another profile but keeping this one open just to collect evidence of the harassment.  If you can have a person who is totally removed from the situation check your messages for you and remove any real life photos so they don’t get spammed out in the smear campaign.  Good Luck to you and remember you are not alone! 


Narcissist Problems

May 16, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems, " Crazie Sadie"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

      I'm dealing with a narcissist (an older woman in her late 50's) who's somehow fixated on me. Long story short we attend the same church so I only have to see / deal with her on Sundays. But what complicated it was late last year I was in a jam and she let me stay with her and her family for a couple of months. It was a completely platonic relationship but I believe she created (with the help of her different but equally crazy sister) something in her mind that clearly doesn't exist... Even though I don't look at her, NEVER call her and only say hello briefly and politely on Sundays at church - she still took it upon herself to through me a surprise birthday party last Sunday immediately after service... Now the thing is she knew all too well that I would hate such a thing, which I clearly did as was evident to all by my face and reaction... Lastly from my research it seems she falls into the category of being a passive narcissist... I can't begin to tell you the crazy (seemingly innocent) and highly disturbing crap I had to deal with when I was staying with her... Any advice or suggestions would be highly appreciated... It was an incredibly creepy experience and unfortunately seems to still continue to be... Glad I found you as especially as I don't think she's finished with her "wackiness", as paranoid as that might sound... OK, here's one example - when I got there she already knew that there was a time in my life, not all that long ago, where I struggled with drinking, I had shared that with her. Now fast forward a bit too just shortly after I moved in, we were talking about coffee, how we took ours etc., I told her I take mine black with honey. The next day, or day after that, she shows me where the honey was in the kitchen, and it was in between an pint of over proof Jamaican rum on one side and a bottle of painkillers (heavy duty ones) on the other. Now I know that sounds weird and over the top but it's literally and absolutely the truth... I mean who keeps there honey between a pint of over proof Jamaican rum and pain killers!?!?!?


“Crazy Sadie"



Dear “Crazie Sadie”,

     It sounds like you have a case of narcissist problems on your hands and I’m glad you didn’t waste any more precious time before seeking out help and/or advice.  First I would like to say, it’s probably not you, it’s her!  The first observation that you made is that crazy of this breed typically runs in families.  If there is one narcissist there are most likely others who come from the same family nest.  In this case it is the sister consider all others flying monkeys and proceed with caution.  I hope you live in a very big town and if not consider fleeing the planet immediately.  When you made the statement “Whose somehow fixated on me” you could not have been any closer to hitting the nail on the head.  Of course she is fixated on you, from what you describe, she is a narcissist!  True to narcissistic form she has sought out your company because you are providing her with much needed supply be it with negative or positive reactions.  Narcissists use others to fulfill a never ending void within their souls.  She needs you to fill this void and you have been.  By seeking her assistance when you were in your jam you inadvertently turned her into a martyr.  She “cares for you”, she “has done everything in her power to assist you including throwing the birthday party to make you feel special and appreciated (after you have most likely instructed her that you want nothing to do with her), and she has “no idea what she has done for you to treat her so poorly” because of your reaction to the party she threw.  Que world’s tiniest violin.  Now, you used to like your coffee with honey and probably don’t anymore because this simple pleasure now makes you want to fall off the wagon.  This is the thing you and everyone should understand when making an observation of this sort (honey between narcotics and booze).  When we first make a friend we fill them in on little details about our lives which they will use later as ammunition against us.  Your narcissist was not counting on your extreme amount of will power and had probably already started telling others in your circle that she is so “worried for you because his life is in shambles, he is homeless and started binge drinking again and to top it off he is now addicted to painkillers as well and I know because he nearly downed my whole prescription ohhhhh what do I doooooo?!?!?!?!”.  She has most likely turned you into an out of control, pill popping, alcoholic and she just doesn’t know what to do to help you.  I am very sorry to inform you but the smear campaign is most likely already underway and has been for quite some time.  You may want to keep telling yourself that you are being paranoid but let me be the first honest one to give you advice on this; you are not being paranoid.  All those strange glances you are receiving from others who know her or know people who know her is their passive aggressive way to condemn you for the monster she has created you to be.  Others will not ask you about the gossip and rumors.  One place a narcissist loves to hangout is also in a church so now that you have made this connection please be very wary of people in all social settings and brush up on the red flags of an emotional vampire.  There is only one thing left to do and that is to cut off all contact with this person and possibly everyone the two of you know mutually.  If you have to leave the church, town, or country please do so because once a narcissist is fixated on you their attention will not be adverted until one of you has died.  These people go to great lengths to make our lives a living hell so proceed with caution.  Document the crazy.  Even the little stuff that makes you think you are “paranoid”.  Most likely that paranoid feeling is your mind trying to convince your intuition to shut up and act normal.  There is no normal when dealing with narcissist problems and I wish you the best of luck.  This is a true case of kill or be killed, emotionally or physically.  Document the insanity very well and just prepare yourself mentally to end up taking this lady to court eventually.

P.S. Give yourself permission to stop saying hello, even this simple gesture is creating an emotional vampire feeding frenzy.


Narcissist Problems