Showing posts with label confusion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confusion. Show all posts

May 7, 2016

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Confused"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

     I know it's possible to have PTSD from being in an abusive relationship. I have yet to run this by my shrink. But imagine this. The narc so quickly scooped me up from a marriage I choose to leave. Blinded me of course. The destruction, loss of just about everyone and everything. I never gave my now ex-husband a second thought. Not one. Our bond a hidden box because to even think of him shamed me in fear of what my narc bf would think. Now that the spell is broken, we have been living apart fir 5 months, had a restraining order last Sumner, this is our 25th or so break up. But he knows I'm done. On to the next. .. But is it possible... for me to still be IN love with my ex-husband or is this just me mourning the huge loss of my life due to the narc. I'm coming to the thought that had I not been so enraptured by such a con artist, I would have given my then husband the second chance he rightly fully deserved....

Sincerely,

“Confused”

Dear “Confused”,

      You have described here the perfect example of a rebound relationship.  Unfortunately, your rebound after divorce landed you in the arms of an emotional predator.  Break ups of any kind can be devastating and leave us feeling broken, unloved, and unlovable, damaged, and left with a general sense of there something being wrong with us.  I am going to assume that you were love bombed by this narcissist you jumped into your next relationship with.  While you were experiencing rejection from your divorce here comes Mr. Wonderful who is full of immortal love and admiration for you.  He probably showered you in attention while simultaneously telling you that your ex was horrible and stupid for wanting to leave someone as amazing as you are.  What you didn’t do is give yourself space or a chance to think about things clearly before continuing on in this relationship.  I’m sure you ignored many red flags that this relationship would most likely be doomed to fail.  Now after this horrible experience with Mr. Wonderful you are probably doubting the problems that you had with your ex-husband.  There is a saying out there about nostalgia helping us forget all the bad while focusing on the good that occurred in past relationships.  This is probably why you are feeling confused about your ex-husband.  I would give yourself adequate time to sort out your feelings.  It seems as if you are a giver and in this moment you are trying to find someone to fill a void.  Someone to give that love to.  I want you to stop right now because you need to be giving that love to yourself.  Divorce doesn’t just happen.  There were reasons why you split up.  I’m not saying it’s impossible for you to still love your ex-husband but perhaps you should take things slow if anything and rebuild a friendship before exploring feelings of being in-love.  I don’t know about your childhood but you just might be confusing feelings of intensity with feelings of love.  Take a lot of time to get to know yourself before even considering a relationship with anyone other than yourself.  I hope this helps! Good luck to you on your healing journey!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

January 20, 2016

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Too Close for comfort"

Dear Narcissist Problems,
     Okay so here I go cause I don’t have anywhere else to turn to about it...I am hoping that you post this answer to me in the group or here ...I know she is not around the computer.... I met my now fiancĂ©e 5 years ago she is real sweet to everybody she wants to be too she is a pub manager , liquor store manager and I am aware that her family , older brother, mom and dad and she are narcissists. She being the youngest. I have witnessed that her and her brother are a wee bit closer to each other ...leaving me in the living room while the brother has to talk to her in the bedroom behind closed door or in the kitchen he is whispering in her ear as she giggles all the while I am seated with the parents. The list goes on ...they even as a family went to Vegas and they shared a room. She and her brother. I was really upset and I confided in the ex sis in law and I figure she said something to him...I also included that I have a right to know so I can make up my mind about things and that they better figure things out b/c I am ready to leave her. All of a sudden he is madly in love with this woman, and is already got her thinking that he is gay. They broke up but got back together...whenever he was not dating he would be showing up at her work and telling their mom that he misses his sis...when her mom said that , I say he should find himself a girlfriend! I think that they are aware (parents) but because the mom worships her son they carry on as if nothing is wrong. Tonight is the mom’s b-day. He has never invited us out, only we met him at the narcs house so they could go talk. We had dinner out with his new fbuddy once and tonight will be number two. I am feeling ill over it and I just because he has a girlfriend doesn’t make it okay for me to have to pretend like nothing ever happened. I know he emails her, she denies it, he texts her, never once during my back surgery has he ever called me to see if I needed anything ever. I don’t even want to go tonight! Thanks for being here for me and I look forward to your comment.
Sincerely,
“Too Close for Comfort”
Dear “Too Close for Comfort”,
     If you are confused then there might be a narcissist involved somewhere. I guess my first question is: Are we talking about her biological brother or is he a “friend” of the family, or possibly adopted??? The whole situation is off! I mean, obviously I came from a dysfunctional family so I have no idea what a normal happy family should look or act like but sharing a room in Vegas?? Where you on the trip as well? I know, I know I have more questions than answer but I’d like to focus in on one of your first statements: “I am aware that her family, older brother, mom and dad and she are narcissists.”(2015). Let me just document that as being said, I’ll leave out your name but you get the point. You are aware that this entire family are most likely a nest of narcissists. For the love of God just run for the hills!!!! Being aware of some of your other past relationships I do believe you know in your heart what needs to be done. You need to protect yourself! I don’t know if this is normal or just plain incestuous but if it were me in your shoes I would be out of there! I have a brother and I have never missed the guy that much nor he me. Maybe at the age of 5 or 7 we might have spent time together like that but as we age we begin to become our own people with our own lives. I’m starting to wonder if there is some kind of trauma bond going on there. What is clear from what you have written is that the two of them might use their sexuality as a form of manipulation. You know my advice is only going to be to get out of this relationship! I didn’t mean to sit on this response for so long but here is the point, it’s been a few months and you still feel the same way. I really want to see you focus on yourself. I want to see you doing things that are going to make you happy. I want to hear that you are meeting people who are not drawing on your insecurities and exacerbating a negative situation. When we are in a normal and caring relationship and we tell our significant other “Hey, this really bothers me”. The normally try to understand why and don’t do things like share bedrooms and hide and whisper leaving you in the room with their strange parents. I mean I don’t know much about normal families but that seems a little abnormal. I’m gonna leave it at that and let the readers decide what the heck is going on here. As always comments and advice are always welcome. The sooner the better! Anyone else ever deal with something like this? Let’s hear it!
Regards,
Narcissist Problems

January 2, 2016

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Fake Profiles"


Dear Narcissist Problems,

So my narcissistic mother invented Facebook profiles and interacted with herself. She made up two fake cousins, a fake police officer, and a fake Julian Lennon. She had one of the cousin’s die of brain cancer. She was a member of Julian Lennon fan clubs, so she was friends online with other fans, so she was using that profile to make it appear to the other fans that Julian Lennon was a personal friend. Meanwhile she was emailing the real Julian Lennon that her husband had been killed in Iraq. (Not True.) I just thought you and others might find this interesting.

Sincerely,

“Fake Profiles”

Dear “Fake Profiles”,

   I believe you.  I believe you because my own narcissist and many of the others who come along to visit these pages have experienced a similar phenomenon from their own narcissists.  Usually all we find out about are the fake profiles that were created to torment and harass us.  This type of behavior, however, is not out of the realm of what to expect when there is a narcissist in your life.  My own Narcissistic mother did pretty much the exact same thing!  Its sick, but I need you to know that A. I believe you and B. You are not alone in this bizarre discovery of yours!  Julian Lennon must be a narc magnet and I believe it’s because of the extreme tragedy of what he has gone through.  Narcissists are drawn to tragedy and drama like moths to a street light on a hot July night.  If they can collect some type of benefit from another’s tragedy even better in their eyes. Again, you are not alone with the Julian Lennon obsession from your narcissist!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

January 1, 2016

Dear Narcissist Problems, "The Crazy Mom"


Dear Narcissist Problems,

I’m a recovering addict and crazy mom, been clean 10 yrs. off meth. I have one adult child that has depression, substance, and is narcissistic. I have asked him to leave my house yesterday and he said he’s leaving today. I can’t tell you how mean he has been to me and his younger brother. I’ve allowed him to stay with me because he is my son and I love him, because I owe him, and I failed him. He’s such a jerk and so alone and I feel so bad for. Him, he’s not the sweet boy this crazy addict mother abandoned to a cruel father years ago. I feel today like I am choosing my own survival, and I hope it’s not at the expense of his. I’m heartbroken. He has burned his bridges mostly everywhere else, except for maybe my daughter, who will put up with him for a while longer, but her boyfriend wont.

Sincerely,

“The Crazy Mom”
Dear “Crazy Mom”,

     The first step to recovering from anything is to admit there is a problem, right?  I’d like to commend you on coming to ask for advice on your situation.  I’m sure there is a possibility that you too also had a crazy mom which might have led to the addiction.  I’m sure that you are filled with guilt about the situation because of how you have failed your son in the past.  Here is the thing, we can’t change the past we can only try to make the future better.  It seems to me that you are more after validation than advice here so I will go ahead and validate your current actions.  You have made some major changes in your life for the better.  I’m assuming you are in therapy and your son is an adult.  If he is not an adult then yes you are obligated to get him the professional help he needs.  You are not your past mistakes especially if you have made the changes you need to fix your life.  Of course you feel guilty and heartbroken but we are all adults.  As you probably learned from your own experience nobody can help you unless you want the help.  You can love your son, you can try to be there for him, but you can’t enable his behavior.  This is a brand New Year the only thing we can do is to continue to work on ourselves to be better people.  We have no control over the behavior of anyone else.  Knowing this, you can’t hold yourself responsible for your son’s actions for the rest of your life because of your past guilt.  If he decides he wants to make positive changes in his life, seeks therapy, and tries to change then great.  If not there is very little you can do to help the situation.  Continue to do what you can but do not enable his behavior out of guilt.  Good Luck to you!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

September 7, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems: "The Discard"


Dear Narcissist Problems,

 It will be three years since we broke up. He was still married to the first wife ( I had no idea). His previous ex-girlfriend was still communicating with him...then he started dating my co-worker during my discard. Co-worker knew all of this still got involved with him and got pregnant too. He is now divorced from the 1st wife and the new wife is the co-worker and house, traveling, hanging with friends like everything great!!They are all over social media smiling with the whole family, and he making her his #wcw and missing her friends. We never got to do any of that. It seems as if he is treating her better than me. Does she not know the truth?

Sincerely,
The Discard

Dear Discard,

      Does she not know what?  The new wife?  Of course she knows!  Now if she cares that is a different story.  She thinks what everyone thinks “It will never happen to me because I am different”.  What you really need to do is detach yourself from this whole night mare.  Let’s get real here, does it really matter if he is treating anyone better than he treated you?  The guy is obviously a scum bag!  You do not need the validation or affection of someone like this.  As for her, I really hope you are not still friends with this woman.  You guys broke up three years ago and I know it takes a lot to heal from a relationship with a narcissist but don’t keep updated with him or her.  Delete and block them from social media because if you are trying to lose your sanity this is how you do it.  Focus on what is good in your life and surround yourself with friends who will not get knocked up and marry your ex-married boyfriend.  You don’t need that kind of drama in your life.  Take a moment and just imagine how much you could accomplish and how successful you can be if you block out this negativity.  Seriously consider seeking the help of a qualified therapist and joining some support groups.  Three years is way too long it’s time to take back your life!

Sincerely,

Narcissist Problems

July 1, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Highway To Hell"


Dear Narcissist Problems,

If you post this or some part of it - please don’t mention my name. Thank you In February this year, I met a guy on line. We started to talk - he suggested texting, although I was not quite into it we soon started to text a lot 10, 20 texts a day. He told me a few years ago he has been diagnosed with bipolar - but takes medication, and waits for DBT therapy. He said it in context of me working as a support worker in psychiatric services. Before we even had a chance to meet he had cancelled meeting me twice as one time he "got the flu" another time "he had to stay longer at work". He is a very good looking guy, with an excellent dress sense. Even before we met he was frequently asking me questions such as "how are you feeling? What are you up to today?” When we meet - he mirrored my emotions and dreams entirely. Now I see it clearly but at the time - I just thought I meet a really kind and honest guy. He told me a tragic story about his mum commuting suicide and him getting in to foster care, it was odd thing for a first date - but as we already discussed mental health - I didn't think much of it. After we meet he texted me even more, starting making plans for few months ahead - like it would be certain we will be together. He mentioned his exes and described one as being "immature" and another as "being an abusive cheat". He texted me every day from noon till midnight. It was difficult to keep up. I felt that it was "too good to be true" such a handsome guy appeared to be so much into me, but then he seemed to prefer to text me or call me to see me. He has cancelled our plans several times, always giving some "plausible reason" - "work, distressed friend, illness”. It felt it wasn’t right so I told him " I really start to like you, but you keep cancelling on me I feel you are not that much into me, otherwise you would make an effort to see me". He reassured me and said "I will do my best to change it, you are lovely girl, and it is my job to make you feel happy and safe". He appeared to be stressed when I suggested to break it up before it will get too serious. In total we went four times - dating for a month. He asked to be exclusive. We spent hour’s texting. He showed me things he was into - even found me shoes he liked. He told me he had a difficult past - stealing, knife fights, self-harm, but he doesn't do anything like that anymore. Now works in addictions helping homeless people. He didn't push for sex. On our four date we had sex - but just after finishing his phone started to ring, and he run away promising he will see me after two days. Next day he started texting he can’t see me coz his friend is unwell with depression, I wasn't happy with it, he asked to see me after the weekend (as I was working weekend). We continued texting. Tuesday he said he "feels ill and two of his exes started talking to him again - and he wasn’t too happy with it" I said "if both of them are so into you - make them fight the winner can keep you". He said he doesn't want any of them. Wednesday I said I need to talk to him, he said he will get home very late - 12.30 pm and that he feels I guilt trip him about not seeing me - which makes him unhappy and that “I wouldn't have slept with you if I wouldn’t want to see you”. I was tempted to say that we didn’t "sleep together” we "had a 10 minute f*ck session, and I had to check if he didn't leave any cash behind as I felt so cheap after". But I left witticism and waited for him to call me after work. He texted me as promised. It was 12.30 am asked if I still need him to call. I replied "yes" then he didn't call, so I wrote "you must be tired as you don’t call me let’s talk. Tomorrow". He didn’t reply. Next day I woke up around 8 am thinking I am getting played, and that he doesn't even care enough to reply. I wrote " I texted you yesterday waited for your call, I must admit I have fell for you it is pathetic I know but I see you don’t have feelings for me and don t even want to end it in a civil way, wish you good luck”. Then around noon I got a reply “what are you talking about? I didn’t get any texts from you – you didn’t reply to me so I went to bed, and stop being rude and invent issues where there are none – I can call you now if you like”. We spoke 20 min mostly with him telling me how overworked he is, how everyone relies on him, and how he “spreads himself thinly between friends, family and seeing you” Then he said “you made your choice about us – I can’t stop you, although I don’t want to end”. He suggested seeing each other after the weekend, and I agreed. When we finished talking I felt uneasy - “why would he say I am rude? why would he say he didn’t get the texts?, am I not important enough to see me on the day? “So I looked at his Facebook to calm myself down – see nothing dodgy goes on – and then I see him tagged on a picture with a girl – her cover photo. She was wearing the shoes he showed me that was it for me, I felt hurt. I wrote “I looked at your Facebook, as always full of girls commenting on his selfies, you have been out with another girl, I can’t be in competition with others – and she wears the shoes you showed me, I give up”. He first replied with “she is a friend, shoes were a gift – don’t be a child” but then he called me and shouted at me “you have a vendetta against me! I am tired of proving myself to others and you! Leave me alone as I have life to live” then hung up not waiting for my response. I was shocked, didn’t know what to think, nobody ever treated me like that. Then he started writing things like “you make drama out of nothing, I have a right to have friends, as you do. You should apologize to me – you think I am an idiot – stupid enough to date multiple people and plaster Facebook with it?” Then he defriended me on the Facebook. I couldn’t understand what he is on about. It didn’t feel right. I snapped and wrote “I don’t think you are stupid, but hell messed up. What do you want me to apologize? Shame you don’t want to be mates. I will speak to you later, as I am busy”. It felt really bad. He said “Nope don’t want to be your friend, not after what you said” As it felt bad, and I thought that a guy who would care for me wouldn’t act like that, I thought to leave this situation. Next day at evening he texted “ Will you apologize for the things you said yesterday as it hurt a lot” I said “if anything can get better we need to talk in person, maybe I don’t want it to be over yet” I said it coz I wanted a proper conversation and thought he will not see me otherwise. He wrote” When I was 19 a girl died in my arms, that is why I was alone for so long I was hurting, why would I lie to anyone, why would I hurt anyone? Too old for BS games” I read this and it got me creeped out – how dare he play me with a dead body? Truth or not, doesn’t matter – using pity or whatever was that – dead girlfriend - didn’t make me feel safe. I didn’t reply. Next day, he wrote things like “right, if you want to talk you can come to see me near my house for two hours on Tuesday. Yes or no. Answer would be nice as I know you are reading this”. I didn’t reply. Then he was calling left the voicemail, same stuff but sounded a bit nicer. I didn’t reply. This is a bit long – but I wanted to give you full the picture, it finished in April and I still hurt. I went NC, and I stooped myself from looking him up online. When I am low I think about contacting him, but I know that he only would try to manipulate me or shout at me, or be mean in another way. And the thought of contacting him goes away – when I am happier. I don’t understand – how I got so involved is such a short time? or why he wanted me to fall for him? The guy is very good looking so he wouldn’t have a trouble with casual sex, and he knows it. Why he would go out of his way to text and call a girl who wouldn’t matter to him? How I can get over him sooner? Some friends understand, some say “you got played, shame but it is life”. I just need some kind of hope that I will feel better, and that I didn’t mess it up. That is the end.

Sincerely,

Highway to Hell

 

Dear “Highway to Hell”,

     There are so many things going on with this guy that I don’t even know where to begin.  Let me say this first: THANK GOD THE RELATIONSHIP ENDED QUICKLY!!!!!!  I think this guy is a step above a narcissist, he may actually be a psychopath!!!  The circular argument that he created and then blamed you for is the classic narcissistic ploy to keep you on the defense and discrediting your feelings, wants, and needs leaving you apologizing for his infidelity!  The thing that steps this whole situation up a notch is the fact that when he was losing control over you and the situation he brings up the dead girlfriend.  I’m honestly creeped out by this one too.  Two things are going through my mind A. he is a psychopath and he actually killed that girl or B. He is a pathological liar.  The pathological lying is obvious from what you have written but the dead girlfriend, I’m going to believe it.  I’m also going to believe that he killed her, watched the life drain out of her eyes with a sense of pleasure, and then made it look like an accident.  I am so happy you got away from this royal mind fuck!! You got away and you are alive! They say that hindsight is 20/20.  Unfortunately we don’t notice many red flags until the relationship is over and we are left to deal with the aftermath of utter emotional destruction.  The good news is that these encounters leave many of us determined to save others from the same fate so we spend countless hours screaming the red flags from the rooftops in the hopes that others will notice them before it is too late.  The bad news is that we did not notice them before it was too late to save ourselves and we are left to pick up the pieces and heal alone.  One thing that you will notice in your next relationship is to start out slow.  If you notice things moving too fast too soon this could be a red flag of a dysfunctional or toxic person especially if the focus is asking a lot of personal questions and the level of intimacy seems rushed.  While I can’t say that every person we meet online is a bad person but it may be a bad way to start off a relationship romantically.  One of the best self-disclosures he made to you was when he divulged his past to you “He told me he had a difficult past - stealing, knife fights, self-harm, but he doesn't do anything like that anymore.”  Was one of his “knife fights” with the girlfriend who mysteriously died in his arms?!?!?  I hope to god that was a lie to shame you with guilt and pity instead of an actual homicide! Thank god you got away.  The next time you feel like calling this psycho remind yourself that he literally could be a murderer! If not a murderer of humans but a soul murderer, either way you are better off! Did you notice anything missing after you were around him?  I noticed my own narcissist was a kleptomaniac. Moreover, after the first sexual encounter I will bet he may have had that phone call planned ahead of time and the excuse set in stone.  It was probably even his wife. The woman wearing the shoes was probably his wife too. I get the feeling that when your first two dates were canceled maybe he was even in the midst of abandoning his last victim or going through a divorce while love bombing and grooming you to fill that void that was opening.  If the relationship ended in April you still have a long healing process in front of you and I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself.  Think of it this way; you just went cold turkey from the most addictive drug known to mankind, the love/love bombing of a narcissist.  Being in a relationship with a narcissist goes from the extremes of “finding your soulmate” to climbing your way out of hell.  When in a relationship with one of these emotional rapists they sell us our dreams and literally deliver a nightmare.  When leaving any relationship, abusive or not, we always have doubts because we tend to forget the bad and focus on what was good about it.  If things didn’t end well (and usually they don’t with a narcissist and they REALLY don’t with a psychopath) we have a difficult time finding any closure because we linger on what should of, would of, and could of happened instead of what actually did happen.  We begin to blame ourselves for things that went wrong and then we question our own reactions.  We ask ourselves and everyone we know:  Was I too sensitive?  Was I over reacting?  Am I exaggerating?  Was that argument my fault? We have trouble putting the abuse into perspective because we really want to believe that nobody could be that cruel and evil and that maybe yes we are too sensitive, over reacting, or exaggerating what we lived through.  The sad part is that very few people, if any, in our lives will truly understand the type of emotional torture and resulting spiritual conflict that we are going through.  Like the saying goes “You won’t understand it until it happens to you”.  So when we turn to our loved ones or friends (if we have any left at this point) they either will not know how to react to what we tell them or they will tell us to just give it time or just suck it up and move on or Drum roll please, “You Got Played”.  Most of the time this will be the worst advice we will ever receive in our lives.  We need to connect with others who understand the nightmare we just escaped so we can freely talk out our pain without feeling judged or our situation trivialized.  We need to learn from others who have been there to see how they journeyed out of hell.  We need to be inspired by those who did make it out of hell and find the strength to encourage those who are stuck in the labyrinth created by our narcissist.   The narcissists leave us in a maze that seems to have no exit.  Sometimes it is impossible to find an exit and we give up hope of recovery/healing until magically another survivor turns on a light and shows us the way out of that hell.  Good luck to you on your healing journey.  It is going to take time.  It may take years but you can heal from this.  Find a support group with others who have dated a narcissist and get on there and vent, ask questions, learn, and someday in the future you will log into that group and you will read the post of a woman/man who is now in the same situation you are leaving.  Seeing this post you will then realize how far you have come and how much awareness you need to spread to warn the others.  And by others….. I mean the rest of mankind.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

June 17, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems; "Bacon Sandwich"


 
 
Dear Narcissist Problems,

I need help please.  I think I'm being completely emotionally manipulated. I feel like I've fallen into a dark hole I can't get out of.   I met a guy at work just over a year ago. At first everything was amazing and he was great. Then for various reasons we decided to move in together. Since we have been living together he has been having regular mood swings. I now feel like I never know where I am with him. One day he can be as loving as can be and the next day he will lash out. I got thrown out of the house on packing day for not making him a bacon sandwich which he asked for Xmas morning because I was in a rush to go and see my kids from my previous relationship (they live with their father, thank goodness. Sometimes he will fly off the handle at me and I'm not even sure why. He has threatened me, sworn at me, spat in my face twice, grabbed me and forcibly taken a picture of my stomach calling me fat, stupid, weak and pathetic.  He does this especially if we are exercising together and I don't do as he says. He has come at me with his fists then punched the wall, also a mallet and a knife (I hid in the bathroom). The police have been involved but when they are here he plays the victim. I ran off once and hid for a week but every time I leave he begs and pleads with me to return and starts acting how he used to all loving and everything. He is involved with a mental health team as he has been signed off work with depression for 12 weeks now. He works in the health industry and is very knowledgeable of psychology etc. When he has counselling and even when the crisis team comes out he acts in such a way that they pander to him. I have left numerous times but each time I find myself returning and apologizing although most of the time I'm not even sure what for. I've started smoking, I don't see any of my friends and I don't go anywhere. I lost my job in March due to being ill with stress. This has been ongoing since Christmas. Sometimes I return and accept things and have no idea why. It is like he knows all the buttons to push on me so I behave how he wants. I feel like I'm going crazy. I have started to question myself and my own sanity and behavior, finding me blaming myself for things. I keep excusing his behavior saying it must be depression. He had threatened to kill himself before when I have left, and cut himself once thereby making me feel bad. I feel totally trapped.

Sincerely,

“Bacon Sandwich Breakfast”

 

Dear “Bacon Sandwich Breakfast”,

   This guy is more than a manipulator, he is a hurricane!  The only response I have to this is Get out Now!!!  They say that when we bond with people we do so whether the bonding is positive or negative.  I don’t know what happened in your life prior to this relationship but what you are describing here is a typical abusive relationship.  You are experiencing emotional abuse when you are degraded and humiliated.  You are experiencing physical abuse when he comes at you with fists and weapons.  What I really want to know is what are you waiting for?  Are you waiting for this guy to murder you?  Because eventually he will.  With trauma bonding, to my understanding, it becomes impossible to leave the relationship not because we are weak but because we think we love this terror we spend our days with.  This person is terrorizing you and it’s to the point that you feel normal in this role.  I am not saying you enjoy being a victim I am saying that you have come to feel normal with the abuse.  A big red flag of abuse is being isolated from your friends and family.  I will not go into any more detail listing the reasons why you are being abused.  I will just say, you are being abused and you need to get as far away from this guy as possible.  You need to find the strength to ignore the threats he is making to harm himself because guess what?  Those threats will soon turn into action and trust me when I say, if those threats are carried out you will most likely be physically harmed in the process.  You need to document these threats and call the authorities on him.  Document all the crazy.  Please contact your local court house and get in touch with a domestic violence advocate.  Yes, thank god your child is not there to witness this but your child also does not need to witness the shell of a person his mother is becoming.  Read up on the red flags of abuse.  Have conversations with others who have gone through abuse, get counseling, and join some support groups.  There is no question about the manipulation.  Yes you are being manipulated and you were groomed to accept this abuse.  Take a lot of time to work on you before getting into a new relationship after this.  Find out what made you attracted to this person in the first place and what made you stay.  This relationship will eventually kill you.  You do not have time to consider what I have said here.  Let the hair on the back of your neck raise up, your heart start pumping, and your instinct to take flight come over you.  Do not ignore your gut and do not ignore this warning.  If you do not leave this person as soon as you read this response tomorrow might be too late.  GET. OUT. NOW. You need to disappear because his rage when he finds out you are gone will not simmer down so document the crazy and do not hesitate to contact the police!  We are talking about your life.  You do not have any more time to sit around and wonder what you should be doing because if you do it could be the death of you.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

June 8, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Curious"



Dear Narcissist Problems,
I understand that this group normally focuses on personality disorders on an individual basis but I was wondering if you could explain to me if gaslighting ever happens in other situations. Can a person experience gaslighting in places other than in their own homes and personal relationships?
Sincerely,
"Curious"
Dear "Curious",
You have asked a great question and the answer is a capital YES!! It is important to know the red flags of abuse so that you can use your critical thinking skills in other areas of life as well. One such example of gaslighting on a grand scale can be observed on a daily basis when the public is informed about what is good for them and then new prescriptions or healthcare treatments are suggested. Sometimes the treatments are created as a prevention to disease but in reality the treatments are either not effective or they cause injury. When an injured party questions the treatment they are then led to believe they are crazy by their doctors and the government or labeled a conspiracy theorist in order to thwart further questioning. This practice actually leaves a major portion of the population scratching their own heads wondering if they are crazy for doubting people in such noble professions as healthcare and government. Love Triangle: Not-for-Profits, For- Profits, and Government.
Corruption in the American government is becoming painfully obvious when researching Not-for-profit and For-Profit organizations and the roles these institutions play in policy making. In recent years, the unethical practices that have merged as the result of large corporations investing in Not-For-Profit organizations which play key roles in that result in public policy is unethical and should be banned from practice. The results of these unethical practices can be felt not only in the United States but worldwide. The relationship between a government agency, a foundation, and a pharmaceutical company has led to a crisis in the global healthcare system which is resulting in the harm of citizens around the world. When it comes to something as important as a person’s body and health an extreme amount of caution should be taken in order to avoid corruption in this configuration. As most people who watch television are aware, there is a growing epidemic of bad drugs being passed off onto the American public. While there are agencies and laws that are put into place to ensure the safety of pharmaceuticals these policies are being circumvented because of the relationship that has been established between pharmaceutical companies, the foundations that produce the results of research, and the governmental agencies put into place to ensure the safety of products made available to the public. The public relies on the government to ensure its safety and best interest. However, the public’s best interest is being jeopardized due to greed and corruption. A closer look needs to be taken into the love triangle which has merged between the CDC, The CDC Foundation, and the pharmaceutical company known as MERCK in the United States but MRK in other countries. The CDC Foundation was created as an extension of the CDC in order to get private funding for research as a means to improve public health. The problem occurs when a company such as Merck donates private funding towards The CDC Foundation in order to have its product passed for safety and put on the market to the general public. This relationship, in itself, creates a conflict of interest and should be banned from practice. The relationship established between the CDC, The CDC foundation, and Merck pharmaceuticals is not in the best interest of the American public because it is putting lives in jeopardy for a profit.
In order to understand the dynamics at play when discussing the conflict of interest the partnership between The CDC Foundation and Merck pharmaceuticals creates it is necessary to include the governmental agency the CDC into the equation. The CDC, Center for Disease Control, was founded in the 1940’s with the main goal of eradicating malaria. Since its inception it has become one of the leading agencies in the world to focus on human health globally by researching diseases and ways to effectively control and prevent them. The agency receives its funding from tax payers and its mission statement taken from the official CDC website is as follows:
“…to protect America from health, safety and security threats, both foreign and in the U.S. Whether diseases start at home or abroad, are chronic or acute, curable or preventable, human error or deliberate attack, CDC fights disease and supports communities and citizens to do the same.” (Mission, Role and Pledge 2014).
The CDC was put into place to conduct research that would make American citizens healthier, safer, and provide inexpensive treatments to the general population and funding to obtain this goal is generated by the American taxpayer who entrusts this agency to act in its best interest. Moreover, the “CDC conducts critical science and provides health information that protects our nation against expensive and dangerous health threats, and responds when these arise.” (Mission, Role and Pledge 2014).
According to the mission statement the goal of this agency is to protect Americans from disease, conduct research, and establish treatment for disease. The research gained from studies and experiments is then analyzed and implemented into practice by creating laws and policy. The CDC’s role is to spread awareness of disease while simultaneously eradicating them. One role that needs to be examined further here is the accuracy and honesty of the statement that the CDC is “Tackling the biggest health problems causing death and disability for Americans.” (Mission, Role and Pledge 2014). After examining the relationship established between the business triangle that was created by the CDC, The CDC Foundation, and Merck pharmaceuticals it becomes painfully obvious that the American people have been duped out of Billions of tax dollars and their health. The pledge made by this agency to “Be a diligent steward of the funds entrusted to our agency, Provide an environment for intellectual and personal growth and integrity, Base all public health decisions on the highest quality scientific data that is derived openly and objectively, Place the benefits to society above the benefits to our institution, Treat all persons with dignity, honesty, and respect” (Mission, Role and Pledge 2014). It can be found after examining the connections between this agency and the Not-for-Profit and For-Profit organizations that the above statements are untrue. This agency has placed the American public and society at risk because their public health decisions are based on scientific data that is not derived openly or objectively because the research this agency relies on is being gathered from a Not-for-profit that is funded by an organization with a special interest in the outcome of the research that is conducted.
The CDC Foundation was “Established by Congress as an independent, nonprofit organization, the CDC Foundation connects the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) with private-sector organizations and individuals to build public health programs that make our world healthier and safer.” (CDC Foundation 2015). This foundation was founded in 1995 as a means to gain funding for medical research. According to the foundation website “the CDC Foundation has provided $450 million to support CDC's work” (CDC Foundation 2015). The intention of this established nonprofit organization seems rather altruistic until one takes a closer look at the research provided by the foundation that has been faulty and led to injury and/or death. On any given day the public can see the outcome of this faulty research in a single hour of watching television. Every other commercial seems to be either about a new drug with a slew of bad side effects or an advertisement for a personal injury lawyer who is bringing a class action lawsuit against a pharmaceutical company for a bad drug. This contradicts the mission statement of both the CDC and the CDC foundation. With the use of bad drugs the American public and the world are not safer or healthier. In fact, the opposite is true and this is due to a special interest taking part in the outcome of medical research in order to gain a profit. “Established by Congress, the CDC Foundation helps the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention do more, faster, by forging effective partnerships between CDC and corporations, foundations, organizations and individuals to fight threats to health and safety. The CDC Foundation is a 501(c)(3) public charity.” (CDC Foundation 2015). This is an absurdly unethical relationship and there are laws in place to prevent the mingling of government agencies with corporations for a very good reason. When corporations influence government agencies it results in corruption and unethical business practices.
Listed on the CDC Foundations website as a reason for its inception is that “: “As a private 501(c)(3) public charity, the CDC Foundation receives charitable contributions and philanthropic grants from individuals, foundations, corporations, universities, NGOs and other organizations to advance the work of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Unlike many large foundations, the CDC Foundation does not have a large endowment to support our activities.” (CDC Foundation 2015). An interesting fact that emerges when researching the funding and the sources of funding for each agency and organization is the massive amount of money generated towards research and healthcare implementation plus the costs of the end product, the medicine, treatments, and services. The mission statement of the CDC becomes contradicted when it was written that one of their goals was to eliminate expensive healthcare treatments in the first place. It seems the American and global public have found themselves in the greatest Ponzi scheme of all time. In this scheme the American public is being hoodwinked out of an enormous amount of cash. “The president’s fiscal year (FY) 2014 budget request for CDC is $6.6 billion, a decrease of 270 million from FY 2012. This funding level includes $755 million from the Affordable Care Act’s Prevention and Public Health Fund (PPHF) and $618 million in Public Health Service (PHS) evaluation funds.”(CDC Budget Request 2014). The summary then goes on to summarize the services the funding went to provide. The amount of money generated annually by the American people alone should be enough to eradicate and/or prevent every disease mankind has ever encountered. A contradiction may have been created when the value statement of the CDC is “saving lives, protecting people from health threats, and saving money through prevention.” Because it seems as if the cost of prevention may far outweigh the actual cost of disease, illness, or death (CDC 2015). The CDC and The CDC Foundation are both headquartered in Atlanta. Further, since the CDC Foundation is a public charity it is tax exempt. The obstacles faced by both companies would be a cut in funding. According to one article;
“By every measure our nation is dramatically better prepared for public health threats than we were a decade ago. However, ongoing reductions in public health preparedness and response investments are impacting the national public health infrastructure that prepares for and responds to routine public health threats in addition to terrorist threats, novel infectious diseases, natural disasters, and biological, chemical and nuclear emergencies. Even though funding cuts have been made, CDC still has the responsibility to get the job done and protect the American people from public health threats.” (Frantz 2015).
It seems that this foundation has not yet seen a crisis because of the ignorance among American and global citizens to implement all of the suggestions made by the research generated with the billions of dollars in funding. It is becoming apparent that the main goal of the human race is obviously to achieve immortality with all of this disease prevention and eradication. Its good business practice to be in a field where you study disease or disaster. A fear of death and a combination of public trust and ignorance seems to keep this organizations doors open.
An ethical dilemma that these organizations face is producing research that results in the wide spread use of pharmaceuticals that are injuring and/or killing millions of people worldwide. The legal repercussions for the most part would be the fear of a lawsuit as the result of research passed by a bad drug. An interesting fact to note is a law that was passed 9 years before the creation of the CDC foundation which has determined that “No Vaccine manufacturer, physician, or health facility may be designated a defendant in the proceeding, and there is no determination of legal fault or responsibility for injury”. (The National Vaccine Injury Compensation Program, page 258 para. 1, 1992). Shortly after this law was passed The CDC Foundation came into creation and the American people were left with little recourse if injured by a vaccine. In order for the injured party to get justice they would need to suffer an injury that is already documented with the Vaccine Injury Compensation program. A problem arises when the corruption becomes so out of control that faulty research is provided making vaccine related injuries that are not documented almost impossible to bring the pharmaceutical company to court where they can be held accountable.
The For-profit organization to be examined in this report is that of Merck Pharmaceuticals. The area of interest of this company is “As a global healthcare company, Merck believes it has an important role and responsibility in improving access to medicines, vaccines and quality healthcare worldwide, thereby helping to reduce the burden of disease in the parts of the world that need it most.” (Merck 2015). Merck is headquartered in Kenilworth, NJ but has locations based worldwide with a total of 700,000 employees located in over 50 countries. According to the official Merck website “Our product offering categories include heart and respiratory health, infectious diseases and women's health. We continue to focus our research on conditions that affect millions of people around the world - diseases like Alzheimer's, diabetes and cancer - while expanding our strengths in areas like vaccines and biologics.” (Merck 2015). The goal and mission statements involve providing increased access to healthcare globally by contributing to medical research and disease prevention. They are in the trade of pharmaceuticals and vaccines and had a revenue of over 42 billion dollars, and a net profit of 9.4 billion dollars, in 2014 alone. The United States is currently their biggest customer by contributing over 17 billion of the 42 billion dollar gain. Merck pharmaceuticals has built this medicinal empire by providing services to governments and its citizens globally so has a very special interest in the research that is conducted to pass their products for public use as can be highlighted in their official statement that “ Merck is committed to participating constructively in the political process. Government proposals to regulate the health care system may directly affect the Company's business and incentives for pharmaceutical innovation. Also, there are important policy initiatives that can further the company's goals with respect to increasing patient access to medicines and vaccines, and most importantly, to health care insurance coverage. It is appropriate for the Company to help inform the debate on these issues in the United States and in other countries.”(Merck 2015). It is very clear in this statement that the purpose of Merck pharmaceuticals is to manipulate governments, legislation, and policy as a means to gain a profit. Most people assume that this would be done ethically but as most are finding out this is not the case.
In a publication by Harvard School of Public health a study was conducted to examine the relationship between Merck Pharmaceuticals and the creation of public policy that results from this relationship. The study was focused on the new vaccine Gardasil being put into use and the authors found that “Merck promoted school-entry mandate legislation by serving as an information resource, lobbying legislators, drafting legislation, mobilizing female legislators and physician organizations, conducting consumer marketing campaigns, and filling gaps in access to the vaccine.” (Mello, Abiola, & Colgrove, 2012). While trying to get their vaccination passed into public use this pharmaceutical company focused its campaign by targeting leaders of healthcare and legislation. The study also found that “Legislators relied heavily on Merck for scientific information. Most stakeholders found lobbying by vaccine manufacturers acceptable in principle, but perceived that Merck had acted too aggressively and non -transparently in this case.” (Mello, Abiola, & Colgrove, 2012). In other words, this company paid policy makers and also provided its own research which may have been faulty as a means for financial gain.
The ethical dilemma this company faces is practicing evil deeds under the guise of helping and saving all of humanity. This company is responsible for injury humans globally with research, drugs, and vaccines but is only punished with a slap on the wrist, a fine, and possible public shaming. There are too many laws put into place to protect this corporate giant and as a result of their unethical practices many people are being harmed with little recourse for justice. Further, it has led to the corruption of the CDC and representatives of government as well. After reviewing these facts it seems as if the only crisis this organization will face is if/when it is exposed for its unethical practices and that will not happen until the American government is exposed as well. Currently, there isn’t a systems of checks and balances in place to protect the American public because even their recourse through the court system has been taken away to an extent by the passing of The Vaccine Injury program.
A few of the Vaccines produced and marketed by this organization are: BCG (tuberculosis), Comvax, Gardasil, Gardasil9, MMR, Pneumovax 23, Pro Quad (Measles, mumps, rubella, and varicella), Recombivax HB, RotaTeq, VAXTA, Varivax, and Zostavax to name a few. There is a long list of immunizations on the schedule for children and adults and the government passed the Vaccine Injury Program to safeguard pharmaceutical companies from safeguards and sold this idea to the American people by telling them that these companies made very little profit from the vaccines and did not want to scare the companies away from producing them. A profit of over nine billion dollars in one year being deemed as small should probably be reevaluated. Recently there has been a controversy that the MMR vaccine was the cause of Autism. Activists, parents, and a small circle of professionals agreed with this assumption and a doctor named Andrew Wakefield did a study on this link in 1998 which he still defends as truth to this day. The problem with this study is that a majority of the co-authors have come forward to claim that the study was falsified. Two things could have occurred here; either the study was falsified or the Co-authors were paid off by Merck pharmaceuticals to recant their research and Dr. Wakefield is being used as a scapegoat. When most people bring up the MMR/Autism link they are usually mocked and the target of ridicule yet there are still people out there who claim there is an actual link between the vaccine and the devastating disability of Autism. Since this study was debunked other research has surfaced that supports the claim that there is no link and anyone who questions this link is obviously a little wacky. However, a recent court case has sparked interest in this debate once again. In this case, whistleblowers brought a suit against the drug maker not because the MMR vaccine caused Autism but quite the opposite. The Merck whistleblowers claimed that the vaccine didn’t work at all. The most interesting aspect of this case is that the whistleblowers won their case. After an outcome this grand one is left wondering if maybe this court case is actually a ruse perpetrated by the drug company as a means to cover up the MMR/Autism link. By having a case on record stating that the drug was ineffective then it seems impossible for it to even cause harm in the first place, especially a harm like Autism.
There are two ethical problems resulting from this situation and the situation involves both Merck Pharmaceuticals and the Centers for Disease control. In a recent story published in Newsweek it is stated that “In the 1980s, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) launched efforts to curb measles outbreaks by increasing immunization rates, says Dr. Robert Amler, who led the push. The CDC worked with state legislatures to require every child to provide proof of immunization in order to enroll and stay in public or private school, and began to see reductions in measles cases within four or five years. By 2000, indigenous transmission of measles was stamped out in the U.S., according to Dr. Walter Orenstein, chair of the National Vaccine Advisory Committee and former director of the CDC's National Immunization Program. (Ziv 2015). By looking back at the timeline of the passing of the Vaccine Injury Program put into place to protect drug companies and the push for increased immunizations it becomes apparent after reading Merck’s statement on being involved with public policy that something scrupulous has and is taking place. In one unethical allegation the CDC pushed for the MMR vaccination that Merck produces which may cause Autism. On the other hand, the CDC is pushing for MMR vaccination that is produced by Merck and the vaccinations are ineffective. In both instances the CDC and Merck have made Dr. Wakefield their scapegoat. The CDC and Merck pharmaceuticals may have created the illusion that Dr. Wakefield is a fraud and then placed the blame of the new measles outbreak on his shoulders by pushing parents not to vaccinate. The end result is that no sane citizen will ever again question the MMR/Autism link for fear of being ridiculed. Further, the Center for Disease Prevention and Merck pharmaceuticals will not have to face the consequences of producing, selling, and forcing a placebo vaccination because the blame can be placed on the shoulders of parents who refuse to vaccinate their children. What is interesting about this whole scenario is what Dr. Wakefield himself has to say about the study that lead to ostracism when “He points out that his now infamous study never asserted a causal relationship between the MMR vaccine and autism. “We merely reported the parent’s description of what happened to their children, and the clinical findings,” he says. “We made no claims about the vaccine causing autism. In fact, we said this does not prove an association. And all we urged was further research.” The authors of the paper wrote at the time, “We did not prove an association between measles, mumps, and rubella vaccine and the syndrome described."(Ziv 2015). This is a very interesting statement because of the fact that he was calling on the scientific community to conduct further research on the MMR/Autism link and not only was he shut up but anyone else who would dare do research on the topic would most likely never bring their findings if negative into the light of day.
The CDC and Merck pharmaceuticals not only acted unethically, they did so together. Moreover, these two organizations scratched each other’s backs all the way to the bank and The CDC Foundation was the convenient troy horse which was built as a way for Merck to slither its way through the back door of the White House and nobody suspects a thing. Merck pharmaceuticals is responsible for creating this moral dilemma through unethical business practices while the Centers for Disease control and The CDC Foundation were hopefully involved in the situation because of the outside force. Merck pharmaceuticals and the CDC Foundation are both responsible for this problem. The only way this situation could have been prevented is to leave business out of the creation of research and medicine.
The theory of deontology was used by these organizations because this theory focuses on the action being right or wrong instead of the consequence of the action. The action of producing vaccinations in order to prevent illness or death conforms to what most consider a moral norm. However, the consequences of those actions are wrong. Laws were passed to protect vaccine manufacturers and as a result the public may have suffered the consequences. Moreover, moral relativism is also called into practice and utilized because while the vaccine manufacturers maybe lying about the effectiveness or damage caused by a bad vaccine in this case it seems as if lying to the public may be the right thing to do. If this lie were to be exposed then many parents would never vaccinate their children at all which could cause harm because some vaccinations are effective in preventing illness with no serious side effects. In this case, each citizen has a duty to become vaccinated based on their obligation to the public at large to remain free of preventable illness. It is then up to the moral relativist to decide if the consequences of this unethical practice are right or wrong.
These companies should have used the virtue theory when manufacturing vaccinations, passing laws making them mandatory, and while conducting research to their safety. If this were the theory that were incorporated then it would not matter if the consequences were good or bad. The only thing that would matter is if these decisions were made with the best interest of society in mind.
There is a very obvious relationship between profit and suffering in this case. Through human suffering created by disease and illness a business is making a sickening profit in the name of man- kind. These organizations are inducing fear into the public through mass marketing of their product and the product may not even work or could kill a person. The awful truth is that any research done on these practices or the vaccinations themselves may not even be truthful or fact.
The meaning of running an ethical business involves making decisions based on the assumption that one should do no harm. A business should decide if they are creating harm and to what degree of harm is the result of their business practices or products.
The best way for a company to maintain its competitive edge and to contribute to overall good or happiness for the majority would be to practice honesty and transparency. Once a company is known as being dishonest all of their practices, products, and associates then become scrutinized as well. In theory these organizations have adopted Virtue ethics as a statement of practice but it literally practices the opposite. This type of schizophrenic practice of business ethics have put people around the globe in harm’s way. For these reasons the relationship between these organizations is unethical and should be banned because it has put the public at risk and their best interest violated.
Regards,
Narcissist Problems
References
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We support public policies that advance the interests of patients, improve public health and promote access to medicines and innovation. (n.d.). Retrieved May 12, 2015, from http://www.merck.com/about/views-and-positions/home.html
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Ziv, S. (2015, February 10). Andrew Wakefield, Father of the Anti-Vaccine Movement, Responds to the Current Measles Outbreak for the First Time. Retrieved May 17, 2015, from http://www.newsweek.com/…/andrew-wakefield-father-anti-vacc…

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