Showing posts with label Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Show all posts

November 27, 2016

Call to Action!! Support The War at Home Foundation!

As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, I know that we went back too many times to mention, back into a situation of abuse and the cycle that we knew would inevitably put us back into a homeless situation. We knew that it was just a matter of time until we were once again abused and rendered homeless. That is why we developed the War at Home Foundation, we wanted to give people a stepping stone to freedom. As victims, we leave, we know the cycle and we have become aware of what is happening, but then what? As survivors we are left with PTSD, many times we are unemployed, being bombarded by the abuser still and we cannot see clearly. Our foundation aims to provide that clarity, it aims to bridge the gap between being a victim, becoming a survivor and evolving into a thriver. We can only do this with the help of people who can afford to donate to our cause. There are people throughout the world who are being forced into homelessness, and back into abuse, these are the people we need to help. Our initiatives are as follows:
To support those in domestic violence shelters, we have gained a commitment from a retailer to donate food and clothing to shelters that we have affiliated ourselves with. Our eventual aim is to build safe havens/retreats throughout the world offering shelter to victims and support groups to survivors.
To embark on an intensive awareness campaign through schools from January 2017, we have a commitment to do monthly campaigns from 12 schools, so far next year.
We have developed a "KEEPING YOU SAFE KIT" which is a pack of vital items that someone will need when leaving an abusive situation, it also includes vital pointers on a safe plan for leaving.
We are committed to raising awareness surrounding the court system and the pitfalls that a survivor will face and we are recruiting domestic violence advocates throughout the world who can lend a hand of support to those who are facing court issues and need a supportive hand.
The only way we can fight the scourge of narcissistic abuse is through supporting those who are being forced back and through a consistent campaign of awareness and "red flag" identification.
Please help us give those a voice who are voiceless.
If you donate a minimum of ZAR 150, which is around US$10, you will be moving us forward to reach our objectives around and save lives.
The website has been redesigned to make the donations easier as there was a problem last time we called for donations, nobody could donate, it's very self-explanatory, all you need to do is click on, them click on donate and the rest is easy...... the winner of the 500 US$ will be announced here and on the website on the 1 December 2016. It doesn't matter where you are in the world, we will ensure that you receive the prize.
Please help us to make a difference in the world. Please make a difference in someone's life, IT'S TIME xxx

November 26, 2016

How the Family Narcissist Ruins Holiday Gatherings

3 Ways Narcissists Ruin Special Events 

What You Can Do to Avoid Being in Hell for the Holidays

1. Narcissists will provoke you

The thing about narcissists is that if they do it once they will do it again. You’ve probably been conditioned as the family event organizer since birth and every year the same scenario plays out. You are asked to prepare the holiday dinner and event and you do. There is also the added guilt that takes place when you protest doing all the work alone.

Typically the narcissist will have a giant to-do list and needs “help”. The request for help is more of a demand and you find yourself checking off the items on this list alone. After all, the narcissist is so overwhelmed with all of the other things they need to do.

Spot narcissistic provocation and learn ways to prevent them.

 If you protest the narcissist, they will find some way to make you feel guilty and they will let everyone know about how you ruined the holidays if you quit the role of Santa’s little helper. Draw upon your past experience and create firm boundaries.

You are an adult and you too have responsibilities to take care of. Refuse to do any work on this event if you are doing it alone. Trying to explain your feelings about the situation to the narcissist is pointless.

Create a plan of action and tell the narcissist what they are expected to do and if they don’t do it then it will not get done. Be clear, firm, and stand your ground. Don’t let the narcissist manipulate you into doing their work by sending you on a guilt trip.

Narcissists humiliate you in front of others

Narcissists will pick apart your flaws and then point them out to others. If you have stress induced acne the narcissist will wait until the room is full and then proceed to point out each blemish to the guests.
They simply thought that everyone grew out of acne once they matured out of puberty and here you are in middle age with pimples. You really need to get it together because something is wrong with you!

How to deal with nitpicking and humiliation:

If you are forced to interact with this person then the worst thing you could do is react. When a narcissist is picking apart your flaws what they are really trying to do is elicit a reaction.

 They don’t care if it is good or bad. If you are not giving them positive attention they will be happy to see you cry and get angry. Do not allow them this control over you.

Be as solid as a rock and without any emotional reaction simply state that their behavior is inappropriate and then walk away. Disengage and refuse to be provoked by them. Chances are if they are making you feel uncomfortable they are also making others feel uncomfortable. Be a rock and walk away.

3. Narcissists gossip about you

Something about gossip and badmouthing really keeps most narcissists going. Just like cars need gas narcissists need gossip. They are constantly criticizing others and sharing intimate details or something made up in order to make you look bad. Narcissists use gossip as a means to triangulate people and put wedges in relationships. They want to be the focal point of every relationship.

Narcissists don’t want people talking to each other because they need people to go through them as a means of communication. Narcissists use gossip as a tool to get what they want out of everyone around them and they do this by creating miscommunication among others.

What to do about gossip:

Understand that you can’t control gossip but you can control how you react to it and who you allow in your life. Narcissists recruit others to gain information about you so take stock of the relationships you have with anyone that has to do with your narcissist.

If you see someone in your life that you confide in with the narcissist and they are alone and whispering. Chances are the narcissist is getting or giving the dirt on their target. If there isn’t any dirt to get then they will just make it up.

Sever ties with narcissists and their flying monkeys. There is no winning this game and chances are that gossip will later be used to destroy your life. If you are struggling with going No Contact with an abusive family member you can find very useful information at the Sanctuary for the abused blog.

There are a few sources that share great information and resources for those suffering from the narcissistic family member. The Narcissist’s Child is a blog geared toward daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and has a list of other resources such as relevant websites, blogs, and books.

Helpful Awareness pages or blogs include:

The Naked Narcissist  and The War At Home which has recently started a nonprofit foundation to highlight Narcissistic Abuse and become a source of help to victims of narcissistic abusers.

Be on the look out for more Narcissist Problems Advice and Solutions

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November 6, 2016

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Choke"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Please leave my name anonymous.  I filed for divorce in October from my Narc husband. After 18 months of verbal, physical, psychological, emotional abuse and manipulation (which my own 8yo son witnessed and experienced personally) I left the home we shared.  In June after a particular argument in which I threw a bottle that hit the wall behind him and he pinned me by the throat to the wall while I was holding our 9 month old child. I left that day. He has been constant Jekyll and Hyde and I’m just starting to come to terms with the senselessness and hurt and beginning to function alongside that pain. I don’t want to divorce. Though I know it’s the logical choice and healthiest for myself and the kids.

On Sunday he was throwing a fit and said 'Hate does not even describe what I have for you maybe its best I don't come back so I don't f***ing kill you though I believe they are juvenile words thrown to incite a reaction, I also am unsure sometimes during his rage episodes. Since he said the kill comments he has been very cordial. I was advised to file a restraining order and now that I have I feel immense anxiety and regret. When he does get served, it’s going to really make him mad and it’s honestly a pointless thing to have done on my part. We live 4hrs and two states apart and he never comes in so asking for a restraining order for someone that’s not around feels petty and will cause both of us unnecessary court dates and add more problems to this pending divorce.

He recently began to send me $ again -since I haven’t worked since June '15. And the car he lets me use is his- he just renewed tags that have been expired for the past 3mos. He is "giving" me the car to use and "allowance". I can’t work a true job because I homeschool my 8yo (instead of public schools in our neighborhood) and my other is 1 year old.  I feel like he’s in control of everything but I have to feed my kids. I don’t know how to handle things anymore. He turned off my phone in sept because I messaged his gf he’s had since before I even moved out. The cheating, lies, abuse, gas lighting, and manipulation... the whole "relationship" from the beginning for him was this extravagant game.

I just don’t know how to handle this in a way that will help my mental health and the future of mine and my children’s lives. I want my children to have their father but I’m terrified what kind of ways he will shape them and just everything. He has left me terrified of people, of trusting, and hope in anyone. He has broken my soul and I’m not able to even trust myself, so how can I possibly even know how to choose what to do?



Dear “Choked”,

            I’m really sorry to hear about your whole nightmare.  Other than forgiving ourselves, trusting ourselves again after being in an abusive relationship is one of the hardest things a human will ever have to do.  You will probably feel guilty for a long time for things your children witnessed too.  However, you should be very proud of yourself that you left as quickly as you did because by doing so you have prevented any further traumas that would have occurred had you stayed.  Everything that you have described here in regards to your reactions to the situation is spot on normal. 

            I don’t think anyone ever wants a divorce and especially not during such a vulnerable time raising children.  The scariest thing in leaving is the instability that being on your own with two children brings.  Many people stay in abusive relationships for this reason alone.  I’m not going to lie to you and say that it’s going to be easy because it probably won’t be.  I would recommend finding any sources of support that you can either in your own family or circle of friends.

 The reality of the situation is that you are going to need a source of income.  I would start by seeking out any assistance you can by contacting your local domestic violence shelters.  These centers will work with you to get you back on your feet and offer a source of emotional support in the form of therapy.  The will also point you in the right direction to seek any financial assistance and health insurance.  Eventually you will be able to make a schedule for work and your family obligations. The important thing for you to do is to take one day at a time and know that you will make it through this you will thank yourself for leaving.

            As far as his current behavior and your thoughts on the restraining order go it would be best to proceed with the order.  I know your feeling conflicted about the whole situation but the reality is that he is an abuser and he will never stop abusing YOU.  He is giving you an “allowance” to maintain control over your finances so he can later manipulate you.  He is letting you use the car so that you will feel guilty later for sticking to the separation when he has “done nothing but try to take care of you”.  He will not change and you did the right thing. 

When he realizes that giving you an “allowance” and a car is not allowing him to slither back into your life he will use those things to further hurt you.  I would make sure that if the car is in his name and he is “allowing” you to use it that you get this in writing should he decide to punish you by reporting it as stolen.  This will come up in court when you get your restraining order in regards to the mutual ownership of any property.  Look for ways to make money so you do not become reliant upon his generous “allowance”.  Set up your life so that when he decides to stop the “allowance” then you will not be left without food, milk, electricity, or a home. 

It’s going to be a struggle and you and the children will be hurting for a while but keep in mind kids are incredibly resilient.  They will get past this and heal.  You need to decide that their healing and yours is more important than financial stability or further exposure to abuse.  Keep in mind that when you were being choked that was just a warning and this person is capable of killing you or one of your children just to hurt you.  Join support groups, seek out all the assistance you need, and make sure you get that restraining order because you’re going to need it.  Good Luck on your healing journey!


Narcissist Problems

October 15, 2016

Dear Narcissist Problems, "The Finger Pointer"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Funny how the posts on this site come from people who think that narcissists are abnormal, and that they're normal?


“The Finger Pointer”

Dear “Finger Pointer”,

            It was not my intention to give you the impression that I was normal simply by addressing Narcissistic Abuse and the tactics used by narcissistic abusers.  I’m glad you are so observant!  You are correct, I’m probably not normal anymore.  In fact, I lost my mind some time ago.   Thank you for pointing this out.  To clear things up for you in the past decade I’ve grown increasingly paranoid and at one point I was too scared to leave my own home.  I would sit in my house and jump up to take a look-see out the window whenever I heard a car door shut or people talking outside.  When I meet people who are really nice I evaluate them in my mind wondering what they are plotting.  I also keep my eyes peeled for any signs of gas lighting to the point that if I’m around someone I don’t trust I’ll set booby traps on my personal belongings so that I know if something has been moved!  I keep record of conversations in case I’m ever forced to remember some insignificant detail that should ever be questioned at a later date.  I also check to make sure all my windows are locked at least twice before I leave my home!  I lay in bed some nights unable to sleep as I ruminate every conversation I’ve had in my life trying to pin point what exactly is wrong with me.  I spend countless hours reading about emotional abuse and how to heal from it.  Moreover, I stopped using cell phones because ANY ring tone triggers anxiety and a general feeling of impending doom.  Most mornings, actually, I wake up with that feeling that the worst thing in the world will happen to me today.  After I get out of bed I tell myself that it will be a great day around 100 times while getting ready to leave the house.  If I see a strange car I write down the license plate.  I have nightmares every night.  Sometimes I drive in circles making random turns just to be sure I’m not being followed.  When I go to stores I might have a panic attack and spend 45 minutes in the bathroom convincing myself I can make it through the store, out to the parking lot, into my car, and then back home without anything bad happening to me.   Hmmmmmmm, I’m sure I missed some things but that’s just a run down.  I have flaws.  I have many flaws!!  So sorry I gave everyone the impression that I’m normal!  However, whether I am normal or abnormal it does not change the fact that Narcissists are abnormal.  “A” does not change the reality of “B” here, unfortunately.  I did not mean to give the impression that because narcissists are abnormal that makes me normal, I apologize for the confusion.


Narcissist Problems

September 3, 2016

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Project Air Strategy"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

I work for Project Air Strategy, a personality disorder strategy located within the University of Wollongong, Australia.

I am currently researching Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the experience of being in relationship with someone who has NPD. While anecdotal and clinical evidence is plentiful (of the kinds of experiences that people have shared on you page), an empirical study of this type has never been done before.

I am reaching out to discuss the possibility of utilising your position as a NPD community leader to help gather participants. Is there any scope for you to post the survey link to your page to garner responses from your community members?

The survey link is: I have been posting the survey with the text 'Do you live with someone who is very narcissistic? You are not alone. We would appreciate you participating in this short university research study.'

Let me know if there is any other information I can provide to you. I greatly appreciate any assistance you can give.


Nick Day

Dear Nick,

     I would love to help you gather more information for your research and I'm sure many of the others who visit the page would also be eager to participate.  Good luck to you and thank you!  I'm sure we can all agree that this is an issue that needs to be explored.  If you would like feel free to post a comment below asking for anymore assistance.


Narcissist Problems

August 7, 2016

Dear Narcissist Problems, “Lost in South Africa”

Dear Narcissist Problems,

I need your advice because I am desperate. I met my pervert narcissist on Facebook when I was in the UK and then I moved to South Africa (he is Congolese but lived in Cape Town). We had a long distance relationship for 4 months and I felt that he was my soul mate (he used to say that as well). He threatened me twice to break up with me but I was stupid and I went to Cape Town. We stayed together for 1 year and now since January 2015 we are in UK.
Everything was fast. We got married 1 year after we met and it was a nightmare: threats, lies, manipulation, silence treatment....
Since last June I started the divorce process and now he said to me that he realized every mistakes he made, he wants to change, he booked 1 appointment per week with a psychologist... lots of nice promises. I left him last Sunday because I want a new job so I told him that I needed a 4 month break to think and I will postpone the divorce. So now I am in London and he is in Manchester and he is still harassing me with his promises and talk to me for hours telling me that he will prove himself... he wants me to postpone the divorce process so he can keep his job because we are not married for 3 years. I don’t think he can change. When he knew I will divorce and received my petition, he changed everything on his behavior. It was too quick and not credible for me. Too much!
I don’t know what to think.
I really need your help as it’s a new life for me in London but he is still on my mind trying to convince me to stop the divorce because he is sure he can change.

Thank you! 😵😵


“Lost in South Africa”

Dear “Lost”,

     While rushing into a relationship with someone who immediately calls you a soul mate is a red flag of a narcissistic relationship without more detail I can’t be too sure that you are married to a narcissist.  After reading this I am under the impression that this man is going to be getting some type of Visa through your marriage as he wouldn’t be able to work in the UK without being married for 3 years?  If this is the case and you were not aware that he would be gaining a Visa through your marriage then it seems that he is using you for this purpose.  You mentioned that he booked appointments to see a psychologist but did not mention if he was actually attending those appointments.  When dealing with manipulators it is always important to consider their actions before believing a single word that comes out of their mouths!  From what you wrote here this man wants to work on the relationship but do you?  I agree that the marriage may have happened rather quickly and was formed on the basis of lust rather than a real connection or commitment.  It takes time to form trust and bonds with people.  It also takes time to really get to know others especially if that person is someone who you plan on spending the rest of your life with.  Whether this person is a narcissist or not it seems as if you may need time to consider exactly what you want out of a relationship and life.  This is your life and you should take all the time you need to figure the situation out.  I do not condone divorce but I do recommend that you use this relationship as a learning experience if you divorce or if you stay.  I guess the number one piece of advice I would give anyone is to give all your relationships time to form.  Moreover, really get to know the people before making commitments.  Too often when we share ourselves too quickly or are too giving and loving we can be taken advantage of.  It seems as if this may have happened to you but only you know exactly what is going on behind closed doors.  Never stay in an abusive relationship and if the contact with him is overwhelming and harassing document it in case you need it for court.  Ask that the behavior and contact be limited and if this request is ignored then ask him to stop any further contact.  If this request is ignored you might need to take legal action.  However, if you are telling him that you need a break because you too want to work on the relationship and not telling him that the contact is unwelcomed then you are also contributing to the problem here.  It is good to be very clear about our intentions in these situations.  Being passive is only going to make the situation worse and we can’t expect others to read our minds or between the lines and hope they get that they are not welcome in our lives.  Good luck to you!  I wish I could give you a step by step guide to figure the whole situation out but I can’t.  This is going to take some soul searching and you are the only one who can do that. 

Narcissist Problems

July 10, 2016

Dear Narcissist Problems "Wendy"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Is it possible to ask for some advice and remain anonymous?

Does anyone have any information about Peter Pan syndrome and manic depression? I have researched as much as I can. But I'm really not sure if PPS is a narcissist? Thank you



Dear “Wendy”,

     This is a great question!  When I first opened this question and the details were lacking my first thought was “What in the world is Wendy even asking and why?!?”  Then I thought about it for a minute and it makes a lot of sense to be asking this question.  My own narcissist was a woman but I gave it some thought and even she may have suffered a bit from a Peter Pan type Syndrome.  Let me be clear, my narcissist was my mother.  Aside from her grand ability to manipulate, triangulate, and con people she always behaved as a small child.  I think she may have worked a total of two weeks in her life and she expected everyone she came into contact with to care for her needs.  I mean the woman had me cleaning her house by the time I was 5 and I even learned how to fold laundry around 4.  The older I got the more I noticed that she was utterly unable to care for herself.  Other than making sure she was wearing makeup and her hair was curled the burden of her needs was placed on her alcoholic 2nd husband and her children, well me, so one of her children.  She would even speak like a little girl and laugh like a little girl usually when she was trying to be “cute” aka to manipulate or con someone.  If you think about it all people are narcissists to a degree when we are young but most of us grow out of our self-centeredness when we are children. 
 Your question sent me on a quest for answers.  Even though I’m pretty sure these two can be related I’d like to see what experts have to say.  I found an article written by Victoria L. Godwin from Prairie View A&M University in the journal of Interactions: Studies in Communication & Culture titled “Never grow old, never die’: Vampires, narcissism, and simulacra” that might be able to answer some questions for us.  While this article mainly focuses on vampires and narcissistic fantasies is stated that “whereas vampirism arrests physical ageing, the Peter Pan syndrome arrests emotional maturation.  Children never grow up, and their continued dependence never reminds parents of ageing, death, and replacement by new generations.”(Godwin 2011).  So while this article is not specifically discussing Peter Pan syndrome being linked with Narcissistic Personality Disorder there does seem to be a connection.  Perhaps this connection is involved with the child’s stunted growth by their own narcissistic personality disordered parents.  Moreover, perhaps this display of childlikeness is actually a lure used by a predator in sheep’s clothing.  Another statement made in this article was that “the fear of death takes on new intensity in a society that has deprived itself of religion and shows little interest in posterity” (Godwin 2011).  Even though they are referring to vampires in this article it does make sense when speaking of an adult narcissist who is displaying characteristics of having Peter Pan syndrome too.  The relationship between Peter Pan and Wendy is also similar to what we see when women are dating or married to a Narcissist.  The person in a relationship with the narcissist ends up responsible for the emotional and many times financial needs of their partner.  Godwin noted that when

“Dan Kiley writes about the Peter Pan syndrome (1983) wherein men refuse to grow up, and the Wendy dilemma of women who mother and otherwise take care of men they are convinced are unable to take care of themselves (1984). Whereas vampirism arrests physical ageing and preserves physical youth, the Peter Pan syndrome arrests emotional maturation and preserves a narcissistic adolescent condition of irresponsibility, rebellion and self-centeredness.”(2011).    

And this is what happens in a relationship with any narcissist whether we are taking care of them emotionally, financially, or both.  I hope this answered some questions for you as I’m not really sure what you have read on this subject so far but from my opinion yes I do believe that narcissism can be related to the Peter Pan syndrome.  Good luck to you and if you have any further questions please feel free to write in!


Narcissist Problems

Godwin, V. L. (2011). 'Never grow old, never die': Vampires, narcissism and simulacra. Interactions: Studies In Communication & Culture, 3(1), 91-106. doi:10.1386/iscc.3.1.91_1