Dear Narcissist Problems, "Dating Corporal Shithead"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Curious if one who is diagnosed in past as passive/aggressive disorder now classified as personally disorder also may exhibit narcissistic tendencies? I have been dating a man/former Marine not involved in front line tactics. But in administrative position. Nothing against them as my Dad was also a Marine Vet, but they receive/conditioned with a very superior almost arrogant mentality. A lot of times when we have a disagreement he twists the situation /my words around blatantly like a pretzel and when I call him on it to defend what I said/meant he dismisses my explanation/feelings. Such as, "You always want to start an argument and bitch!" Most of the time it happens when we have been drinking. He doesn't drink/ smoke every day, but when he does it is binge drinking. When he is sober he needles me and is quick to point out what he considers are flaws. We don't live together, but have different routines. He goes to bed and rises early. If I stay over and happen to sleep until 8/8:30 he sometimes acts like I slept the day away. I tell him just because we have different routines doesn't mean I am not also productive. I have told him before l don't need a dad. And when I feel like he is "lining” me out that the code is my reply is, "Alright Gunny!" A figure of speech about a Marine drill sergeant. I also have said just because we do things differently doesn't mean one way is right and the other is wrong. We both have been divorced for quite a while and thus being independent for so long and each having our own routines/ways doesn't make it easy. But I feel that's when compromise comes into play. Sometimes he agrees and other times he just walks away and does other things. We go for a month or two and have a disagreement or I say something he doesn't like I get the silent treatment for a few days to a week.

Sincerely,

“Dating Corporal Shithead”

Dear “Dating Corporal Shithead”,

I wonder if the better question would actually be can someone with narcissistic personality disorder have been accidentally diagnosed as passive aggressive.  We are referring to people who use gas lighting as a form of manipulation of our realities.  So it isn’t too much of a stretch to notice a lot of narcissists are also passive aggressive.  I’m assuming because of the plausible deniability of passive aggression.  It’s easy for passive aggressive to be left open to assumption.  It’s also easy for a narcissist to say “You are misinterpreting what I did or said because I didn’t mean it that way”, even when they know full well they meant it that way!  The silent treatment is actually one of the number one tactics a narcissist will use to put you in your place.  To show their disapproval of your behavior they will literally just ignore you or the topic until you submit to whatever their requested behavior or ideas were. 

In the fall of 2013, there was an article written about the passive aggressive conflict cycle written by Signe Whitson where she states “Persons who are passively aggressive can provoke angry responses in another while not overtly appearing to be aggressive themselves.”(Whitson 2013).  This is very important to understand as Narcissists are notorious crazy makers.  Signe then went on to identify the five stages of passive aggressive conflict while emphasizing the only way to avoid a conflict is to understand the passive aggressive conflict cycle.  The five stages are as follows; Stage 1: The Self-Concept & Irrational Beliefs of the Passive Aggressive Person which explains that a passive aggressive person has been raised to avoid displaying anger because doing so is dangerous.  I’m not going to go into too much detail on Stage one because from my perspective it is irrelevant because most people would refuse to put in the work to change their behavior in the first place.  In other words, it’s pointless to explore why he would feel that expressing anger is dangerous. 

Stage two is The Stressful Event where the passive aggressive becomes the victim because they are asked to do something.  This can be seen when he stated that "You always want to start an argument and bitch!”  He feels as though you are picking on him for bringing up valid points of his bad behavior or expressing things in the relationship that displeases you. 

Stage 3, and here comes a very relevant fact; The Passive Aggressive Person’s Feelings “The passive aggressive person has learned over the years to defend against his angry feelings by denying them and projecting them onto others.”(Whitson 2013).  I found stage three pretty interesting since Narcissists are also Notorious for projecting all their negative feelings and behaviors onto their victims.

 Now here is where you might want to take notes, Stage 4: The passive aggressive Person’s Behavior.  Here it is stated that “The behavior of most passive aggressive individuals is both purposeful and intentional.  What is more, the passive aggressive person derives genuine pleasure out of frustrating others to get someone else to act out his or her anger.  So essentially Corporal shithead is pushing your buttons on purpose with the sole purpose of watching you explode in anger or rage.  They do this by, “Denying feelings of anger, withdrawing and sulking (silent treatment), procrastinating, carrying out tasks inefficiently or unacceptably, and exacting hidden revenge.”(Whitson 2013). 

Finally, we come to Stage 5: The Reactions of Others.  In this stage the passive aggressive waits for the expected reaction and then claims victimhood of your anger or frustration.  It is important to see this behavior and be able to identify it so the next time your buttons start to be pushed when he is constantly keeping track of your daily schedule you are aware that he is seeking your negative reaction. 

Honestly, after reading this article it seems that passive aggressive behavior might actually go hand in hand with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Obviously I’m not a doctor but it’s all right there in black and white.  I hope this helps to answer some questions for you.  As to your situation I have my own question to ask; “How long do you want to be treated this way and deal with the drama?”  Good luck on your healing journey!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Reference

Whitson, S. (2013). The Passive Aggressive Conflict Cycle. Reclaiming Children & Youth, 22(3), 24-27.

Dear Narcissist: Suicide Queen

Dear Narcissist Problems,

I’m looking for a post about how narcissists want their victims to suicide. Was it shared here and if could you share the post again?

Sincerely,

Suicide Queens

  Dear Suicide Queen,

     You have come to the right place in regards to discussions taking place on the phenomenon of narcissists pushing their victims towards suicide.  I regret to inform you but in many cases I believe that this would be their ultimate victory.  For a narcissist they spend their lives destroying people mentally, spiritually, physically, and financially.  I wouldn’t say that a simple narcissist’s ultimate goal would be to push us to suicide as they seem to enjoy creating devastation in other ways.  They love to see us struggle, they manipulate us into believe we are over reacting or down right crazy, they enjoy toying with our minds.  If we no longer exist then the benefits we gave them would be gone.  I would rather reserve this situation of manipulating another into suicide to the narcissistic sociopath.  With these individuals they have total domination over us.  Narcissists love to torment us but a Narcissistic Sociopath wants to see our true demise.  This doesn’t come in the form of a person being financially ruined and homeless with no friends or family to lean on.  For the Narcissistic Sociopath the ultimate goal really would be the demise in the form of death.  However, they won’t typically do it themselves they want others to do it for them.  This is perpetrated by the systematic murdering of the victims self, their mentality, and reality.  In a book written by Scott M. Peck titled People Of the lie he described a situation of a family.  There was a mother, father, and two children.  I won’t go into the specifics of the narcissistic abuse but the gest of what took place is that the oldest son was push to commit suicide.  That following Christmas they gave the gun the older brother had killed himself with to the youngest son.  The reality of this is unspeakable but here is a short quote for that book which explains what you were asking very well:

We come now to a sort of paradox. I have said that evil people feel themselves to be perfect. At the same time, however, I think they have an unacknowledged sense of their own evil nature. Indeed, it is this very sense from which they are frantically trying to flee. The essential component of evil is not the absence of a sense of sin or imperfection but the unwillingness to tolerate that sense. At one and the same time, the evil are aware of their evil and desperately trying to avoid the awareness. Rather than blissfully lacking a sense of morality, like the psychopath, they are continually engaged in sweeping the evidence of their evil under the rug of their own consciousness. For everything they did, Bobby's parents had a rationalization-a whitewash good enough for themselves even if not for me. The problem is not a defect of conscience but the effort to deny the conscience its due. We become evil by attempting to hide from ourselves. The wickedness of the evil is not committed directly, but indirectly as a part of this cover-up process. Evil Originates not in the absence of guilt but in the effort to escape it.

Peck, M. S. (1983). People of the lie: The hope for healing human evil. New York: Simon and Schuster.

 

The short answer, if I can find this post or not, yes a narcissist will push their victims into committing suicide.  Not only will they do this but they have created the illusion that the victim is and always has been unstable while leaving out the facts of all the deeds they have done to push their victim into that state of utter despair.  I hope this clears some things up for you.

As you are seeing there are Webpages popping up all over the place in recent years (THANK GOD for all you survivors who push forward as guiding lights).  If you stick around enough you will notice a common theme, these pages do not have to or need to be run by professionals i.e. doctors or psychologist.  What I found the best healing in was the story of others.  After a quick search I found this article from a Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/NarcMindGames/?fref=nf referring to Narcissists/suicide which stated:

"Narcissistic Abuse pushes the victim to their lowest feelings of human worthlessness, causes resultative trauma symptoms of emotional and physical paralysis, depression, confusion that leads to their total human dysfunction, destruction and leading to suicidal ideation. Suicide is often the only way out for an uneducated targeted victim of narcissistic abuse who does NOT recognize they are being abused by a pathological relationship narcissist. The victim does not realize s/he is being slowly murdered by the narcissists psychological behavioral applications of torture that NOBODY in society will recognize and validate, society does NOT see the narcissistic predator! The narcissist achieves his/her victim’s fatality by causing the suicide (psychological homicide) without getting any blood on their hands. This result is the ultimate victory for a NPD/ASPD (psychopath), s/he is in control!!"

 ----Narcissistic Mind Games of ASPD - Psychopath Violence - Victim Syndrome

I could go on and on about this topic for days and years, as I already have with no end in sight.  If you were wondering: Will/can a narcissist push a person to suicide?   The answer is yes.  Not only is the answer yes it just might be their ultimate goal so surround yourself with others who have been there and can sit here like I am today screaming from the rooftops THESE MONSTERS EXISTS SO PLEASE SAFE YOURSELF BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!!!!!!!!!!

  Regards,

 Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Too Close for comfort"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

     Okay so here I go cause I don’t have anywhere else to turn to about it...I am hoping that you post this answer to me in the group or here ...I know she is not around the computer.... I met my now fiancée 5 years ago she is real sweet to everybody she wants to be too she is a pub manager , liquor store manager and I am aware that her family , older brother, mom and dad and she are narcissists. She being the youngest. I have witnessed that her and her brother are a wee bit closer to each other ...leaving me in the living room while the brother has to talk to her in the bedroom behind closed door or in the kitchen he is whispering in her ear as she giggles all the while I am seated with the parents. The list goes on ...they even as a family went to Vegas and they shared a room. She and her brother. I was really upset and I confided in the ex sis in law and I figure she said something to him...I also included that I have a right to know so I can make up my mind about things and that they better figure things out b/c I am ready to leave her. All of a sudden he is madly in love with this woman, and is already got her thinking that he is gay. They broke up but got back together...whenever he was not dating he would be showing up at her work and telling their mom that he misses his sis...when her mom said that , I say he should find himself a girlfriend! I think that they are aware (parents) but because the mom worships her son they carry on as if nothing is wrong. Tonight is the mom’s b-day. He has never invited us out, only we met him at the narcs house so they could go talk. We had dinner out with his new fbuddy once and tonight will be number two. I am feeling ill over it and I just because he has a girlfriend doesn’t make it okay for me to have to pretend like nothing ever happened. I know he emails her, she denies it, he texts her, never once during my back surgery has he ever called me to see if I needed anything ever. I don’t even want to go tonight! Thanks for being here for me and I look forward to your comment.

Sincerely,

“Too Close for Comfort”

Dear “Too Close for Comfort”,

     If you are confused then there might be a narcissist involved somewhere. I guess my first question is: Are we talking about her biological brother or is he a “friend” of the family, or possibly adopted??? The whole situation is off! I mean, obviously I came from a dysfunctional family so I have no idea what a normal happy family should look or act like but sharing a room in Vegas?? Where you on the trip as well? I know, I know I have more questions than answer but I’d like to focus in on one of your first statements: “I am aware that her family, older brother, mom and dad and she are narcissists.”(2015). Let me just document that as being said, I’ll leave out your name but you get the point. You are aware that this entire family are most likely a nest of narcissists. For the love of God just run for the hills!!!! Being aware of some of your other past relationships I do believe you know in your heart what needs to be done. You need to protect yourself! I don’t know if this is normal or just plain incestuous but if it were me in your shoes I would be out of there! I have a brother and I have never missed the guy that much nor he me. Maybe at the age of 5 or 7 we might have spent time together like that but as we age we begin to become our own people with our own lives. I’m starting to wonder if there is some kind of trauma bond going on there. What is clear from what you have written is that the two of them might use their sexuality as a form of manipulation. You know my advice is only going to be to get out of this relationship! I didn’t mean to sit on this response for so long but here is the point, it’s been a few months and you still feel the same way. I really want to see you focus on yourself. I want to see you doing things that are going to make you happy. I want to hear that you are meeting people who are not drawing on your insecurities and exacerbating a negative situation. When we are in a normal and caring relationship and we tell our significant other “Hey, this really bothers me”. The normally try to understand why and don’t do things like share bedrooms and hide and whisper leaving you in the room with their strange parents. I mean I don’t know much about normal families but that seems a little abnormal. I’m gonna leave it at that and let the readers decide what the heck is going on here. As always comments and advice are always welcome. The sooner the better! Anyone else ever deal with something like this? Let’s hear it!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems "Sick and Tired"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

     I have read tons on narcissistic behavior, and have a couple of questions. My family has an individual who displays mostly passive narcissist traits, but we have been at our wits end for years dealing with her being an extreme hypochondriac. She also has an insatiable need for attention. She will drink, pop pills, and then call everyone for days complaining of how sick she is. If we try to change the subject, or avoid "feeding the monster", we are accused of being insensitive and cruel. Also, if we try to make suggestions for getting well, she shoots them down immediately. She is highly skilled at using guilt of all kinds to try and get her needs met. ANY suggestions are welcome! Thank you for offering your time and effort with this group!

Sincerely,

“Sick and tired of being sick and tired”

Dear “Sick and Tired”,

    Let me just make my first statement of the year be: I am not a psychiatrist nor will I ever claim to be.  What I will say is that I can totally relate with your situation!  With that said “Happy New Year”!!!!  The insatiable need for attention seems to be the calling card of all narcissists.  This is why I like to refer to them as emotional vampires.  They will suck you dry and leave you believing that you are the one who is tragically flawed for not feeding into whatever need they are trying to have met by you.  Narcissists in general will do many things to get their needs fed whether it be to manipulate you, scapegoat you, triangulate your entire family/friends, ruin your life, or play the pity card.  It seems like your narcissist has a need to be fed by playing on your sympathy and getting attention by either feigning an illness or down right making themselves sick.  What happens when we are sick?  People who care about us want to make us comfortable, they want to help us, and they will usually go out of their way to do this.  I know I usually do when someone I care about is sick.  I guess what I’m wondering about right now is if this narcissist has recently created some rifts in the family by causing drama or ruining relationships. Did she spend the holidays solo? Has she lost any sources of supply for her ego?  You might be surprised to notice that this person tends to get ill if other people in their lives have been staying away from them due to their toxic behavior and general destructiveness.  In my own experience with my Narcissistic mother she loved to create storms of drama.  She wasn’t able to function if there wasn’t some tragedy going on in her life.  When there was something awful going on she was at her best.  Happy, energetic, smiling, and on that phone gossiping with whoever would listen.  As we know about gossip and human nature people usually love to listen to what is going on with others.  Now when she couldn’t stir something up she became depressed and would stay in bed until 2 or 3 p.m.  She would come down with chronic illnesses acutely. Mark my words, as soon as some shit storm was stirred up again her illness was cured!  During the times she was ill she needed a caretaker, me.  Someone not to offer advice but to take care of her needs.  I took care of the household, I took care of her emotions, and I took care of her own responsibilities like caring for other family members or getting a job at the age of 14 to make sure the bills were paid.  If I were not taking care of her needs there would be hell to pay.  If I suggested she see a doctor there would be hell to pay.  If I told anyone outside of our home what was going on there would be hell to pay.  My point, it is not your job to take care of this person’s needs.  She needs help and it’s a help you will never be able to offer or suggest if this is a true narcissist.  This is the way it is.  If you suggest that she seek medical help and then refuses there is nothing more you can do for her.  We are all adults and we all have the responsibility to take care of ourselves, including our own needs.   Back away slowly and keep your distance until/unless she decides she will take the action necessary to make herself well again.  As always, this post will be shared.  Comments from readers as well as suggestions, advice, or a “me too” is always appreciated!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Edit: After posting this a member of one of the groups used a the term "Help reject complain" which fits this behavior to a T.  Here is an article if anyone cares to understand this further.
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/therapy-soup/2013/02/how-to-deal-with-a-help-rejecting-complainer/

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Stuck"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

     I need advice/help. I'm in a very unhealthy relationship, but I feel stuck. I don't know how to get out. He is manipulative, controlling, and abusive (more verbal and sexual with occasional physical). I've tried multiple times in the last year to make him leave and it never works. I got a better job in August and was hiding money so that I could leave and he started doing little things (unplugging my alarm clock, calling me at work saying my daughter was in the hospital so I'd leave early [she wasn't] and once even leaving in MY car and taking the keys to his truck and not coming back until an hour after I was supposed to be at work) all of which have resulted in my losing my job. When I was working, he would take money out of my purse, he's told me that he paid certain bills and actually just blew the money, one of which was a traffic ticket, resulting in my license being suspended. He has cheated on me more times than I can count, but I'm the one with the problem because I'm "jealous" and "insecure" and I make him cheat because I'm so awful. I have 2 children and I can't keep putting us thru this. I don't have anyone who can help me or that we can stay with. I have a car payment and insurance now a suspended license and no income w/o him. I've been distributing my resume and filling out job applications since I lost my job 2wks ago with no luck. I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do

Sincerely,

“Stuck”

Dear “Stuck”,

     When I read through this I literally felt the burn of pure anger I felt with my own narcissist.  The first step in getting out is usually the hardest and that is to accept that there is a problem.  You are 60% of the way there.  The first thing I would do is print this letter up as a starting point and heading down to the local courthouse and seeking the help of a victims advocate.  I am really sorry to hear that you lost your job and I am not going to lie to you:  This next year will probably be the hardest year of your life but I know you can get through it!  The hardest part of these relationships whether it is a family member, friend, or significant other is wriggling out of their tentacles.  You need a support system.  Think really really really hard and try to see if there is anyone in your life who is willing to help. If not seek help just as you have done here.  You are not alone! All of these problems seem really overwhelming but the important thing is to work through them.  When you go to the court house talk to them and see if they can’t point you in the right direction regarding the abuse AND your license situation.  The longer you put either situation off the worse it will be later.  Try to be as proactive as possible even if you have no money.  I know that here in Chicago we are having an amnesty week for parking ticket violations.  I don’t exactly know what that means but I’m assuming either having the ticket dissolved completely or setting up a very small payment schedule.  If you lose the car; I know that will only make the situation worse but remember this isn’t the end.  You are being abused mentally, sexually, physically and financially.  This person is sabotaging your job, your income, and your ability to take care of yourself and your children.  I would not, under any circumstances, leave the children with him as a babysitter.  The children have already been through enough.  While you have a car let your determination to survive and later thrive be your guide.  Seek out community support.  Go down to the office for family and child services and see if they can assist you in finding daycare options.  I wouldn’t go into too many details but keep it strictly regarding money.  I would also see if they can possibly help you find some certification classes so that you can get a higher paying job later.  You are in a jam and the longer you stay with this person the more he is going to tear you down.  The most important thing to do is take the first steps toward your safety and independence.  Good Luck to you!  You can do this!  Further, document the crazy.  Get the police involved.  Get a restraining order against this person before you end up losing your children because of him.  The most important thing to do is to stay safe and get out as quickly as possible!  None of this is going to be easy.  You are going to need to be filled with so much fear and determination that it forces you to break the barriers of “out there” being scarier than where you already are.  Know this, you are capable enough and strong enough to do this you just need to start!  It will help to seek emotional support in a support group and you can find them on Facebook.  Also see if there are any free services for counseling in your area.  Get out there and get talking.  When we talk with others who have been there not only can they help guide us out of the nightmare but it helps to get out the pain and frustration.  You got this!  Finally, I would avoid any conflict or threatening your partner that you will leave if he doesn’t change his behavior.  Make the plans to leave as silently as possible otherwise he will sabotage those plans and he may actually hurt you or the children.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems, where do I ask my question, I need advice! "Losing my Mind"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Hi, I just currently was added to the group, but I have no idea how it works. I really, really need some advice. I was casually talking to a friend about my issues on my husband, (I never talk to anyone about it) and she pointed me to a site that promotes you for advice and I really need some before I just run away. Can you help me?

 I really need some advice but I do not want my friends to see my request. The advice site you published is public and no way to post private. Can you help me before I lose my mind? I was describing my dilemma to a friend and she suggested I come here because she HAD a boyfriend in the past she is still damaged by the narcissistic way he treated her. I am losing my mind and my heart. I do not want a 3rd failed marriage because I can’t figure it out. I do love him, but I cannot do this anymore. Can you please help me with advice?? Or point someone to me please???

To start... I had no idea that of the reason of my anguish about my husband until I was explaining my unhappiness to a friend. I thought him to just be a flirt that would fail me eventually by putting himself into a situation to cheat. The disrespect was often. I knew only a matter of time and I would be another failure. Marriage #3. Can any marriage survive this? Is my initial question. I am not sure my heart can even after talking to his mother that sees it too. Help? The help I need us to emotionally survive it while also not upsetting everyone. Ideas? Please I need them. I am at the verge of breaking down to something I cannot come back from.

Sincerely,

Losing my Mind

Dear “Losing my mind”,

     I know this can be a little confusing with how to have a question posted anonymously so here is the link for the Narcissist Problems Facebook Page.  Please message the page with any questions and the link is here:

https://www.facebook.com/NarcissistProblems

After sending your question into the page I will spend time reviewing your question and then building an appropriate reply.  This may take a few days if I need more details or information and time to give full thought as to how I will respond.  Most of the time if I need more details about the situation I will send a message to ask.  

Now that we got that out of the way lets focus on the real reason you came here.  You have 2 failed marriages and are working on the 3^rd.  I would love to give you advice on how to cope with your situation but I am not sure I really understand the situation fully.  I understand that there has been infidelity, and I am not discounting this but in order to point you in the right direction I would need to know what is going on that is making you feel you are going to lose your mind besides the cheating.  What are your daily interactions like?  Do you have some examples of behavior patterns or how you speak to each other or what you actually argue about?  Why do you feel he is cheating on you or are you assuming he has been cheating on you?  Is it possible that you have been in such fear of infidelity that you might possibly be sabotaging your own marriage?  I don’t want you to have another failed marriage either and if I were in your shoes I would probably be freaking out as well.  My first suggestion, based on 3 marriages, is to ask you to examine your life, specifically your childhood.  How did your parents interact with you and what are your relationships.  Were your parents emotionally or physically abusive?  I’m asking about this because it seems that many people developed relationships in adulthood that follow similar patterns experienced with family in childhood. The big question here is why do you continue to develop relationships that fall apart?  My second and last suggestion is to seek therapy.  You have a pattern of failed relationships in your life and if you want to fix this you are going to need to find out why and then come up with solutions.  There is no quick fix when it comes to change and while I would love to help you figure this out I am not qualified to do so.  Can a marriage survive infidelity?  That would depend on multiple factors but the important thing to ponder is, do you want it to?  I know there are a lot of questions here and less advice but I can’t assume what’s going on in your life or in your marriage.  In my own life I have learned that I need to build solid and trusting foundations with those I let into my small circle.  I tend to my close relationships like I would tend to a garden.  I take care of them.  I remove weeds when necessary.  I pay attention to toxins or parasites that may be killing my garden and proceed with research and knowledge.  The foundation of any relationship is going to begin at home with you.  If you do not love or take care of yourself you will have a really hard time convincing others to.  Good luck on your journey and if you have any more questions please send it to the first link above.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems "Ex School Girl"

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Narcissist Problems,

 

I've just come out of a short relationship - 6 months with a narcissist. I knew there were problems very quickly but hoped I might be able to help him - now I know that's not possible. My problem is that he is, if not famous, a moderately successful author who regularly turns up on TV and so on. On this page I'm sure I don't need to explain to you how dangerous he is and what a wealth of prey that 'fame' gives him. He also regularly goes into schools which gives him access to vulnerable young women. Whilst I couldn't say I think he's a pedophile he does have a worrying love of girls in school uniforms and has access to them. What can I do? I can't prove anything and anything I might try will make me look like a sour and bitter ex. He has already succeeded in turning at least one mutual friend against me who has been persuaded that I'm crazy. Any ideas?

I know he likes school girl uniforms as he liked me to dress up in one.

He's a historian, specifically military history but he has quite an interest in crime and is published on the subject of Jack the Ripper. I met him at a JtR conference - not really my area of interest but a friend wanted a companion and paid for me to go with her. He was chairing the conference.

The first sign he was a little off was in the first few weeks when I discovered he'd been sending very flirty messages to the friend as well as to me, having told me we were in a relationship.

The second one, which was a biggy was over Xmas. He became very aggressive and argumentative over me saying it was a pity he hadn't seen his son since August. He was then due to come and stay with my parents on the 27th, which he did. He really didn't have the social skills to deal with the situation but he was quite inappropriate in how he responded to me - very overtly sexual.

He became picky and aggressive over all sorts of things, specifically the fact that I don't like New Year's Eve. On the 3rd of Jan a woman he had told me was an ex and just a friends posted a very long rant that made it clear that she was not an ex and at the time I had met him and had in fact been pregnant by him and not well so staying in the hotel room. Of course, he made out that she was bonkers and wouldn't take no for an answer but I've since seen the exchange of texts he sent on the 27th, which couldn't have been forged because of some of the things said in it and they were very definitely in a relationship. Thank you. He is a creep. Since I first wrote to touch's has published pictures of himself with his latest victim. Poor cow thinks she's got Prince Charming but instead is in the clutches of a conscienceless monster.

Sincerely,

Ex School Girl

 

Dear Ex School Girl,

I met a couple of guys on the internet who would like to meet your ex narc… pic attached.

Unfortunately we all seem to stick around these toxic relationships because we want to help them.  We see someone who is in need of love, support, or care and we jump in and start bailing the water out of a sinking ship.  The problem is that usually we don’t notice the ship is sinking because the person we are trying to “help” is drilling holes in the bottom of the boat.  You are right, it is usually not possible to help people especially if they don’t see a problem with their behavior and have no need or desire to change.  Knowing he is a moderately famous author is going to force me to begin questioning every book I read!  The good news is that you obviously noticed some red flags of dysfunction and/or abuse early on in the game.  Knowing that you ended this relationship at 6 months instead of 6 years makes me feel like the work of spreading awareness of this type of personality disorder is serving its purpose!  Either by your own will and high self-esteem or by running into information of your dysfunctional relationship something happened to make you insightful enough for alarm bells to go off and call it quits with this animal.  While I don’t want to assume the worst and label this guy a sexual predator I do find it rather disturbing that he asked you to role play as a school girl while spending time with school girls. The bad news is that with no proof of his pedophilia there is little that you can do.  The only thing in your control is to protect yourself and all the young girls you know from this monster.  If you do much more than that you might find yourself slapped with a restraining order and a lawsuit.  It’s sick, I know, but that is the way the law works.  You need good evidence, witnesses, and documentation.  You need something that will hold up in a court of law.  For now the most you can do is consider yourself a viable character witness when victims do begin to surface.  If you want more help consider consulting with the local police department.  For all you know there may have been a report filed against him and at least it will give you peace of mind knowing that you did speak up. 

Usually when you call a narcissist out on their bad behavior that is when you are officially declared an enemy and that seems like it may be the case here.  Bringing up his visitation with his son was a blow to the ego as I’m sure he likes people to believe he is father of the year.  If you brought up his sexual behavior that he displayed in front of your parents that was another blow because I am sure he thought he was being very charming.  From what you describe here you were dealing with a typical narcissist and your personalities clashed like the titans!  He manipulates and you confronted, way to go!  Not many of us here can say we had the courage or insight to be so upfront.  The important thing for you to do now is to try to let it go.  Don’t keep updated on his life including his new victims.  If you try to warn the others it will only make you appear insane and infatuated.  You know, like his pregnant crazy ex in the hotel room was.  Don’t be that woman.  So far you seem to have done an amazing job at identifying his special breed of crazy and dealt with it like no other!  Good for you!  It may help to just give yourself time to heal from this experience and keep spreading the awareness of what you have been through with others….who don’t know your narcissist!  Good luck on your healing journey.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems "Questions"

Dear Narcissist Problems,
Question; what kind of man will abruptly leave his family with no explanation. Ignore them, give them the silent treatment. Blame you for everything. And appear to either be cheating, on drugs, or doing something sketchy. And when he comes back around and tries to work on things, will say that it was because he was at a breaking point and that's the only way he knew how to get his families (wife, kids) attention, and that's the only way he knew how to do it. And will apologize and say he's sorry, and he was stupid, etc. Especially if this is out of his character and it's something he's never done and you know /thought he would never do. What causes this, and why is his "truth" so complicated? I thought that lies were complicated, and the truth was supposed to be simple, no? Is this just further part of his manipulation, or is he really sorry and was just being prideful the whole time he was gone, or was he really doing something sketchy and is just not going to admit it or tell us what it was? I've searched passive aggressive behavior and this seeks to fit completely. He seems to withhold covert anger. Also, what kind of childhood causes this, I mean what do your parents have to do to you to make you this way? Or is it even his childhood or something else. I'm just confused and don't understand why someone would be completely fine and have a great life with his family for multiple years on end, then one day just break and vanish...and leave his family abandoned without basic necessities, then say that he thought we would at least have someone else to care for us, or he thought that was the best thing to do. Is this a narcissist?
Sincerely,
“Questions”

Dear “Questions”,
      The short answer is yes that is exactly what a narcissist does. Either that or he has a really interesting hobby that he is embarrassed to tell you about; like sitting alone in the bathtub with a duck caller and live ducks who he has made family.  It is possible your husband wishes he was a duck and has adopted a family of ducks to provide a sense of belonging.  Don’t be surprised if this is something he tells you someday or he is a narcissist.  I'll leave it up to you to decide based on all the facts you know that I don't.  I could leave it at that but, of course, I won’t. So here is the long answer:  A narcissist will regularly disappear for days or weeks.  You will want to assume that the narcissist has a drug addiction but don’t be surprised if they have a whole other family!  Other humans, be it a wife or children, are merely supply or feeding grounds for this personality type.  The sooner you wise up and create some boundaries with this emotional vampire the better for you and the children.  Do you know who leaves just to get attention?  Children, and you might find that dealing with your husband is very similar to dealing with a toddler.  They feel ignored so they will make you feel ignored.  You take their candy then they will take yours.  You pushed him down so they will dig a hole and bury you in it.  Most of the time these slights are imagined and you simply are not adoring this savior as much as they would like.  So they discard you and find someone who will feed their waning ego and then return.  Literally, think of it as being married to a vampire.  Once they suck your blood dry and you are almost dead they will have to leave you alone to restock your blood supply.  In the meantime, they are still hungry so they go off to feed on blood elsewhere until that blood runs dry.  It’s an unending cycle of vampirism in the form of soul drainage instead of blood.  The only constant in meals, however, is probably you and your children.  If the only way he knew how to get his own families attention was to disappear ask him to seek therapy but whatever you do, don’t let this continue.  It is toxic, unhealthy, and the black mold of life.  It is not ok for you and it is not ok for your children.  You do not deserve this and your children do not deserve this.  They say that narcissism breeds in families and it sounds like his family is a nest of narcissists.  Honestly, have you met his family?  I grew up with a narcissist but it didn’t make me that way.  Guess what,  my narcissist was that way and blamed their parents…but their parents weren’t that way.  Narcissists love to play the role of victim especially if it gets them out of trouble!!  That is what they do.  Yes, the truth would be easier but the truth takes courage.  These people do not have courage and they enjoy their lies because their lies keep you confused and feeling sorry for them.  They enjoy hurting us.  It doesn’t matter if they were born this way or if they were raised this way the only thing that matters is that you understand that this behavior will never change.  Do not try to reason with him, do not ask for explanations, and do not beg.  Know this; if you do not create and enforce boundaries then he will trample all of your boundaries until you have none left.  Until your children have none left.  Hurting you is as stimulating as a crack addiction and he will always want more.  The thing to remember is that, with any drug, a person builds a tolerance and will always need a higher dose over time.  The pain he creates for your family will only increase with time as well.  The sooner you understand this the better.  Get away from him, tell him his behavior is unacceptable because it is, and document his behavior well because you will need it in court someday.  You have sympathy and are empathetic and he is counting on those qualities to get the best of you, so don’t let him.  Stay strong and good luck to you!
Regards,
Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems "Questions"

Dear Narcissist Problems,
Question; what kind of man will abruptly leave his family with no explanation. Ignore them, give them the silent treatment. Blame you for everything. And appear to either be cheating, on drugs, or doing something sketchy. And when he comes back around and tries to work on things, will say that it was because he was at a breaking point and that's the only way he knew how to get his families (wife, kids) attention, and that's the only way he knew how to do it. And will apologize and say he's sorry, and he was stupid, etc. Especially if this is out of his character and it's something he's never done and you know /thought he would never do. What causes this, and why is his "truth" so complicated? I thought that lies were complicated, and the truth was supposed to be simple, no? Is this just further part of his manipulation, or is he really sorry and was just being prideful the whole time he was gone, or was he really doing something sketchy and is just not going to admit it or tell us what it was? I've searched passive aggressive behavior and this seeks to fit completely. He seems to withhold covert anger. Also, what kind of childhood causes this, I mean what do your parents have to do to you to make you this way? Or is it even his childhood or something else. I'm just confused and don't understand why someone would be completely fine and have a great life with his family for multiple years on end, then one day just break and vanish...and leave his family abandoned without basic necessities, then say that he thought we would at least have someone else to care for us, or he thought that was the best thing to do. Is this a narcissist?
Sincerely,
“Questions”

Dear “Questions”,
      The short answer is yes that is exactly what a narcissist does. Either that or he has a really interesting hobby that he is embarrassed to tell you about; like sitting alone in the bathtub with a duck caller and live ducks who he has made family.  It is possible your husband wishes he was a duck and has adopted a family of ducks to provide a sense of belonging.  Don’t be surprised if this is something he tells you someday or he is a narcissist.  I'll leave it up to you to decide based on all the facts you know that I don't.  I could leave it at that but, of course, I won’t. So here is the long answer:  A narcissist will regularly disappear for days or weeks.  You will want to assume that the narcissist has a drug addiction but don’t be surprised if they have a whole other family!  Other humans, be it a wife or children, are merely supply or feeding grounds for this personality type.  The sooner you wise up and create some boundaries with this emotional vampire the better for you and the children.  Do you know who leaves just to get attention?  Children, and you might find that dealing with your husband is very similar to dealing with a toddler.  They feel ignored so they will make you feel ignored.  You take their candy then they will take yours.  You pushed him down so they will dig a hole and bury you in it.  Most of the time these slights are imagined and you simply are not adoring this savior as much as they would like.  So they discard you and find someone who will feed their waning ego and then return.  Literally, think of it as being married to a vampire.  Once they suck your blood dry and you are almost dead they will have to leave you alone to restock your blood supply.  In the meantime, they are still hungry so they go off to feed on blood elsewhere until that blood runs dry.  It’s an unending cycle of vampirism in the form of soul drainage instead of blood.  The only constant in meals, however, is probably you and your children.  If the only way he knew how to get his own families attention was to disappear ask him to seek therapy but whatever you do, don’t let this continue.  It is toxic, unhealthy, and the black mold of life.  It is not ok for you and it is not ok for your children.  You do not deserve this and your children do not deserve this.  They say that narcissism breeds in families and it sounds like his family is a nest of narcissists.  Honestly, have you met his family?  I grew up with a narcissist but it didn’t make me that way.  Guess what,  my narcissist was that way and blamed their parents…but their parents weren’t that way.  Narcissists love to play the role of victim especially if it gets them out of trouble!!  That is what they do.  Yes, the truth would be easier but the truth takes courage.  These people do not have courage and they enjoy their lies because their lies keep you confused and feeling sorry for them.  They enjoy hurting us.  It doesn’t matter if they were born this way or if they were raised this way the only thing that matters is that you understand that this behavior will never change.  Do not try to reason with him, do not ask for explanations, and do not beg.  Know this; if you do not create and enforce boundaries then he will trample all of your boundaries until you have none left.  Until your children have none left.  Hurting you is as stimulating as a crack addiction and he will always want more.  The thing to remember is that, with any drug, a person builds a tolerance and will always need a higher dose over time.  The pain he creates for your family will only increase with time as well.  The sooner you understand this the better.  Get away from him, tell him his behavior is unacceptable because it is, and document his behavior well because you will need it in court someday.  You have sympathy and are empathetic and he is counting on those qualities to get the best of you, so don’t let him.  Stay strong and good luck to you!
Regards,
Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems, "99 Problems"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

I'm 22 years old and have a 5 month old son with this guy.  He's my first love. I’m not open about sharing myself with others because I'm afraid of being hurt but I get along with anyone.  I usually put others before myself, I find joy in helping others and helping them better themselves makes me feel good about myself.  I was dedicated to school and basketball until I met him things got rocky.

My mother wasn't really there for me growing up but I still love her.  I live with my father who is a retired police officer and he's pretty cool just sometimes to me it was hard expressing his love as he is also quiet and to himself but I love my parents regardless, giving the hardships I been through. I have 3 sisters and 6 brothers my friendships last years.

I was a virgin until 19 and have only been with 3 guys and one being the one I'm with and that’s the one I'm most comfortable with, he's the one I connected with and I just love him more than anything and thought he would never hurt me.

I’ve been with this guy for almost 3 years now. At first things were good. We met and were just friends and we got closer and closer. We started to share our past rather it be about relationships, family issues, things we liked and didn’t like to do. About 2 months into talking to him he asked me out and within the 3rd month he said he was in love with me. I fell deeply in love with him and I thought he was my match and my soul mate from then on. The first couple months were good until things started to go south. It started when this phone number was continuously calling him late at night around 3 in the morning and I would constantly ask who it was. At times he would say no one and then he would tell me it’s his ex-girlfriend. Well I said why don’t you answer it? He replies and says because I don’t want to, there’s no point because she hurt me and I’m done with her. So I brushed it off but it kept happening so I asked to explain why they broke up. He said she lied about who she was online and she just hurt him. Moving forward I let that go seeing we were together and thought nothing more of the ex. I let this guy move in with me because his parents kicked him out and he had nowhere to go. I fed him clothed him pretty much was there for him through it all. Now things got worse when I would see him texting other girls, and sexting. We would argue and he would tell me it wasn’t like that or say he doesn’t know why he did it and that he loved me I was the only girl for him. I forgave and things went back on track. Then this would happen again either with a coworker or some girl online I would confront same outcome. He made me so paranoid that I would go through his phone when he would be sleep or make fake accounts or numbers and text him to see how he would reply back. When I would confront him with evidence he would be in denial and we argue more or he would pull the, you don’t trust me card or I knew that was you the entire time when I know that was a lie. I would forgive him and life would be good again. On to the 2nd year we would talk more about building and he would say how he loved and wanted to marry me start a family together. I was still in college and playing on the basketball team and I didn’t want to just halt everything. He would tell me a baby would bring us closer and that I was his life. Still occasionally or I shall say when I would find out the infidelity of cheating texting other girls would happen still. But I decided to have a child with him and I feel like that was the biggest mistake. I felt alone the entire pregnancy he was somewhat emotionally there for me. 2 weeks before our sons due date he walked out on me and was gone for a week. Then eventually asked for my forgiveness and I took him back. in the course of being pregnant between the porn websites dating websites the texting of the girls and me finding panties in the car from under our mattress I was fed up and there were excuses for it al. sorry I’m all over the place there’s just so much that has happened. Our son is 5 months old now and we got into an altercation and he has left again and won’t even come see his son won’t answer phone calls messages. he is also on drugs (weed and on probation for it but that doesn’t faze him one bit) I try and try with hi second chances I try to fix him but I find myself hurt or everyone thinks I’m crazy ohhh and the e girlfriend I mentioned of his earlier every time we get in fight he calls her when he knows that affects me I’ve cried my eyes out to him saying why can’t you leave her alone etc.. And he doesn’t see the issue with them talking??? I need help I want to leave my friends and family think I need to but I love this guy so much.

Sincerely,

“99 problems and a Narcissist is one”

 

 

Dear “99 problems”,

     The first thing I would like to say is Congratulations on finding your way here at the age of 22 instead of 42!!!  You are already years ahead of the trauma many of us here have endured due to our own narcissist problems.  Kudos!  Also, congratulations on the baby! There are some red flags that stand out in your relationship with this guy but I first want to point out the first thing you stated here.  You enjoy helping others because it makes you feel good.  I would really look into this self-observation and spend some time reflecting and exploring the reasons why you think and feel this way.  Do you feel guilty caring for yourself?  Do you feel you do not deserve to love yourself or ashamed to love yourself? 

            I will not try to diagnose your significant other as a narcissist because I do not have the authority to do so, I am not a medical doctor or a psychiatrist.  I do however notice that your relationship went kind of fast from first meeting to declaring him your soul mate.  What did he do that made you feel this way?  The way you describe things here the sketchy behavior started pretty early on with the mysterious 3am phone calls.  One thing that many of us who have lived through a relationship of any kind with a narcissist is that they always keep supply around.  This supply is usually in the form of ex-boyfriend/girlfriends, ex-friends, or an ex-anything.  They tell us these people are obsessed with them or just can’t let go when in reality they are secretly maintaining these relationships but they do so in a way that we would never suspect.  By the time the relationship is over we have also been turned into one of the crazy obsessed ex’s. 

At such a young age you should really make a plan and focus on your priorities.  Ask yourself how you want to see your life play out and what behavior is acceptable and unacceptable in your close relationships, including with family.  Really spend some time evaluating ALL of your relationships because I have the feeling you are holding onto some other relationships that may also be toxic for you.  My advice here is to let this guy go.  Yes it is going to hurt because you love him but you need to love yourself and your baby more.  I suggest finding a system of support from people who are currently not involved in your life.  Distance yourself emotionally for a little while and seek counseling.  If you have health insurance I would visit your family doctor and ask for advice on where to find a therapist without going into too much detail.  If you do not have access to these resources please message the page again so we can help you locate some resources in your area.  A lot of communities have places you can turn to if you are on a limited budget with limited resources.  I believe it would be in your best interest and the babies to take steps that will allow you to become strong, stable, and self-reliant. I am not saying to shut the world out.  I am saying seek a system of support emotionally, seek therapy to learn new ways of forming relationships, and learn how to set healthy boundaries.  You deserve to be treated the same way you treat others.  You deserve to love and be loved.  Make a plan, get back into school, and start building a great life because you deserve it!  Learn from this relationship and later on down the road you will have the skills necessary to never be treated like this again or accept being treated this way.  You are very young and have the power to make changes in your life.  You are also old enough to set boundaries if someone is treating you poorly. 

   If you are uncomfortable, initially, with seeking help then a great place to start when you need to figure out what if anything is wrong is Google scholar.  I wouldn’t do a regular internet search on this subject but get information from very reliable sources.  Search for things that you are wondering about “Emotional abuse” “infidelity” “red flags of abuse” etc.  We have all found our way here because of that initial Google search and while it is wonderful being able to connect with others who share your experience and pain it should be limited to just that, sharing experiences.  In order to heal learn about what has happened to you from professionals and professional sources.  I can share my experience and give advice but I can’t show you how to heal because I have no experience, other than my own, on which to reference.  Each of us are on our own journeys and it is up to each of us on how hard we work to heal from the trauma we have endured.  I will list some articles, journals, and basic information that may be helpful for you and the rest is up to you.  Good luck on your healing journey and if you need emotional support we are always here for a shoulder to lean on!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Here is an idea on where to start from resources available on Google Scholar

A NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY INVENTORY

ROBERT N. RASKIN and CALVIN S. HALL

Psychological Reports 1979 45:2 , 590-590

http://www.amsciepub.com/doi/abs/10.2466/pr0.1979.45.2.590

 

Psychological Trauma and the Adult Survivor: Theory, Therapy, and Transformation

 By I. Lisa McCann PhD., Laurie Anne Pearlman PhD.

https://books.google.com/books?id=zvNTmfFvkXEC&lpg=PR9&ots=_Ty5uaeAmR&dq=psychological%20trauma&lr&pg=PR7#v=onepage&q=psychological%20trauma&f=false

 

 

Dating infidelity: Behaviors, reasons and consequences.

Roscoe, Bruce; Cavanaugh, Lauri E.; Kennedy, Donna R.

Adolescence, Vol 23(89), 1988, 35-43.

http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/1988-29273-001

Surveyed 247 17–23 yr olds concerning 3 issues: behaviors that constitute infidelity in a dating relationship, reasons for a dating partner to be unfaithful, and reactions to a dating partner's infidelity. Responses indicate more similarities than differences between dating infidelity and extramarital affairs with regard to behaviors, causes, and consequences. Results are discussed in terms of similarities between dating and marital infidelity and the rationale for professionals to interact with adolescents concerning the potential long-term consequences of dating infidelity. (PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2012 APA, all rights reserved)