Dear Narcissist Problems,
Hello!
So I have a bit of a problem that I’d like some input or advice on. I have a
small family, my mom and dad and sister and I, my mom and sister are literally
the same person, as is my dad and I. So with that being said this causes a lot
of tension in the house, even more so now that my older sister is getting
married and moving in the next few months. My mom and sister are always
together so I feel like my mom is trying to cling to our relationship, which is
strained since I’m introverted and very much the opposite of her. She tries to
pick little fights with me over stupid things like laundry or dishes. I just
lost my job so I’m stuck being the house maid. I normally bite my tongue to
keep the peace but lately I can’t take it. We had many bad arguments that
escalated to yelling and screaming since she brings up my past of many
struggles. So basically I don’t know what to do any more I’m
hurt that she does these things and I just don’t understand any of it.
Sincerely,
“Problem Child”
Dear “Problem Child”,
I
actually started this page because of my relationship with my own narcissistic
mother. While there aren’t enough
details to be sure if your mother is a narcissist I will let you know how
I handled the situation until I was able to move out. Starting at a young age I was the family care
taker which then turned into family bill payer.
I was the adult. Around the age
of 15 I decided that I would no longer argue.
The arguments were very unproductive and the results never changed my disposition. I was still the family Cinderella. I decided that I would do everything in my
power that on the day I turned 18 I would be able to move out and away from all
the problems. From what you wrote I am
unsure of your age as I myself started working at the age of 14 so you could
either be an adult already or still legally trapped. It seems like it’s a very large possibility
that your mother might enjoy creating a distance between family members and
sibling rivalries. Without more
information I don’t want to carelessly throw around advice on what to do about your
mother but I will offer advice on what to do with you. From what you wrote your sister is your
mothers favorite and you can do no right.
This is a classic pattern of behavior among children of
narcissists. Each of us are given roles
and then expected to fulfil those roles. Whatever the case may be just get
proactive! Every jab at your character
or personality, every comment about your “flaws”, and every chore added to your
to-do list be sure that you are also taking time to add your own items on this
same to do list. Do not neglect yourself
or your future! You need to build a
resume and job hunt, save money, and get your own place. Focus on what you want out of your life and
make a plan to accomplish those goals.
Narcissistic mothers have a way of tearing us down to the point that we
believe we deserve to be treated poorly by everyone including ourselves. They also have a special way of letting us
know we are losers who are unable to accomplish anything without their help and
guidance. You need to set some goals and
a time frame because the situation between you is unlikely to change if your
mother is a true narcissist. In the mean
time you can find support by reaching out to private groups of others who lived
with narcissistic parents. These groups
have been a saving grace for me as it is one of the only places I have been
where people get where I’ve been and what I’ve been through. The members of these groups are amazing
because they have been there and will give you support and honest guidance if
you need it. In the meantime, bust out
those classified ads and start pounding the pavement! Don’t let your current situation control the
outcome of the rest of your life. If
anything snag that job and start looking for a roommate. Living situations in our 20’s aren’t always ideal
but keep building up to the situation you deserve which is peace and
privacy. After you get out of the
situation of living with your mother do a lot of reflection on everything that’s
happened between you. After leaving have
a talk with her and let her know how you feel.
If your mother is a narcissist and you have this talk before moving
things might escalate to an astronomical proportion so please wait. If things don’t change after this talk and
the hurtful behavior continues try limiting your contact and get into
therapy. Good Luck to you!
Regards,
Narcissist Problems
