Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
April 3, 2016
Dear Narcissist: Suicide Queen
Dear Narcissist Problems,
Suicide Queens
You have come to the right place in regards to discussions taking place on the phenomenon of narcissists pushing their victims towards suicide. I regret to inform you but in many cases I believe that this would be their ultimate victory. For a narcissist they spend their lives destroying people mentally, spiritually, physically, and financially. I wouldn’t say that a simple narcissist’s ultimate goal would be to push us to suicide as they seem to enjoy creating devastation in other ways. They love to see us struggle, they manipulate us into believe we are over reacting or down right crazy, they enjoy toying with our minds. If we no longer exist then the benefits we gave them would be gone. I would rather reserve this situation of manipulating another into suicide to the narcissistic sociopath. With these individuals they have total domination over us. Narcissists love to torment us but a Narcissistic Sociopath wants to see our true demise. This doesn’t come in the form of a person being financially ruined and homeless with no friends or family to lean on. For the Narcissistic Sociopath the ultimate goal really would be the demise in the form of death. However, they won’t typically do it themselves they want others to do it for them. This is perpetrated by the systematic murdering of the victims self, their mentality, and reality. In a book written by Scott M. Peck titled People Of the lie he described a situation of a family. There was a mother, father, and two children. I won’t go into the specifics of the narcissistic abuse but the gest of what took place is that the oldest son was push to commit suicide. That following Christmas they gave the gun the older brother had killed himself with to the youngest son. The reality of this is unspeakable but here is a short quote for that book which explains what you were asking very well:
We come now to a sort of paradox. I have said that evil people feel themselves to be perfect. At the same time, however, I think they have an unacknowledged sense of their own evil nature. Indeed, it is this very sense from which they are frantically trying to flee. The essential component of evil is not the absence of a sense of sin or imperfection but the unwillingness to tolerate that sense. At one and the same time, the evil are aware of their evil and desperately trying to avoid the awareness. Rather than blissfully lacking a sense of morality, like the psychopath, they are continually engaged in sweeping the evidence of their evil under the rug of their own consciousness. For everything they did, Bobby's parents had a rationalization-a whitewash good enough for themselves even if not for me. The problem is not a defect of conscience but the effort to deny the conscience its due. We become evil by attempting to hide from ourselves. The wickedness of the evil is not committed directly, but indirectly as a part of this cover-up process. Evil Originates not in the absence of guilt but in the effort to escape it.
Peck, M. S. (1983). People of the lie: The hope for healing human evil. New York: Simon and Schuster.
The short answer, if I can find this post or not, yes a narcissist will push their victims into committing suicide. Not only will they do this but they have created the illusion that the victim is and always has been unstable while leaving out the facts of all the deeds they have done to push their victim into that state of utter despair. I hope this clears some things up for you.
As you are seeing there are Webpages popping up all over the place in recent years (THANK GOD for all you survivors who push forward as guiding lights). If you stick around enough you will notice a common theme, these pages do not have to or need to be run by professionals i.e. doctors or psychologist. What I found the best healing in was the story of others. After a quick search I found this article from a Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/NarcMindGames/?fref=nf referring to Narcissists/suicide which stated:
----Narcissistic Mind Games of ASPD - Psychopath Violence - Victim Syndrome
I could go on and on about this topic for days and years, as I already have with no end in sight. If you were wondering: Will/can a narcissist push a person to suicide? The answer is yes. Not only is the answer yes it just might be their ultimate goal so surround yourself with others who have been there and can sit here like I am today screaming from the rooftops THESE MONSTERS EXISTS SO PLEASE SAFE YOURSELF BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!!!!!!!!!!
Regards,
January 3, 2016
Dear Narcissist Problems, "Oy Vey!"
Dear Narcissist Problems,
Just wanted to thank you for creating this wonderful resource! For the
past 10 months my biological family has ex-communicated me, my husband and our
3 special needs kids. Most of the posts you post relate to my story. Lately, my
Mother has been sending round the message that she wants to reconnect
"just the 2 of us" now that she has firmly secured the opinions of my
family and extended family. This
week, after hearing that I had been in a near-fatal car accident, she decided
to call me. I cannot begin to tell you how much your page has empowered me and
clarified the Narcissistic behavior pattern. I had the ability to distance and
"check through the checklist." Classic tactics et. all.
Still very hard to deal with the fact that this IS my family - but clarity goes a long way...
Thank you!
Still very hard to deal with the fact that this IS my family - but clarity goes a long way...
Thank you!
A week after the phone call, my
mother wrote me, I responded, and then my father monkey danced at me and I
debated if/how to respond. Considering full 'no contact' but a little anxious.
Below is the exchange:
Dear A****a,
I’ve been thinking about our conversation a lot. I am so sorry for the
pain that I have caused you. I’m sure we both never meant to hurt each other or
anyone else. The question is what happens now. A*a and I are not in favor of
the group mediation idea. But I am happy to work with you with the aid of a
therapist of your choice. I think we can attack the main issues that are
bothering you from my understanding of the phone conversation. I would also be
happy to visit the kids at your in-laws, for example, so that you are
comfortable with the arrangement. I truly love and care about you and will try
to do the best that I can in the interest of shalom. You can call any time to
arrange a visit or pick up money if and when you are ready to do so. I wish
only health and happiness for you and your family. Much love always.
Dear I******a,
I accept your apology for the past, though I find it somewhat
frightening that someone with your life experience would not realize that
ostracizing one's own flesh and blood through fallacies would be hurtful. Am I
to understand that A*a is not interested in reconstructing a relationship with
me? Or that, you are not interested in having A*a be part of the process? Since
my husband and I have been punished as a unit for each other’s fictitious
"wrongdoings", I believe that it is only right to repair the
relationship as a unit, as well. I don't know that I would call it "group
therapy" so much as clarifying the rules of our relationship, for the
benefit of the future. This is not about the past, so much as about the future.
A trained family mediator would be able to clarify to us healthy patterns of
behavior so as not to create hurt in the future. Although I appreciate your
good will, I do not believe it to be prudent to re-introduce the children at
this point. I would like to know that there was security in the relationship
first - they have suffered greatly from rejection and I would not want them to
have to go through this again. As of now we have not experienced a parental
relationship with you over the past 11 months, we do not feel that it would be
appropriate to accept your thoughtful financial offer at this point. Thank you
for your good wishes, wishing you all the best,
A***a Dear A***a, I*a has nothing to
do with me in this. My position has been clear from the start – you created
this machlokes (fight) for no reason. And you are incapable of hearing anyone
else’s point of view. If you had a drop of humility you would say “gee what did
I do to drive my parents and siblings away? MAYBE I made a mistake. MAYBE I did
something wrong. Instead you blame everyone else. EVERYONE is lying, EVERYONE
has done me wrong. NO ONE has ever done anything for me! You know that van you
just wrecked? I paid for it out of my own pocket, just like I paid for your
first van. But no one has done ANYTHING for you. You have left a paper trail.
You wrote several people how you want nothing to do with your family. YOUR
FAMILY!!!! You created this for no reason. It was none of your business. You
have spoken to relatives in America badmouthing us and M******m. I CAN PROVE
IT! I spoke to the people. You have been incredibly disloyal, a true kofei tov.
Nothing that anyone has ever done for you, not the HUNDREEDS of hours that I*a
spent on the phone with you, nothing is appreciated. No A***a, I WILL NOT play
your game. So keep beating up on I*a the only one who has been your advocate in
the family to try to get them to see you in a positive light. The family is OUTRAGED
by your behavior. Only I*a tries to defend you. After all you have said and
done you have the gall to accuse I*a of lying! Halevi (I wish) I*a made it up!
I wish you had never said or did all the things you did in the past YEAR. If at
some time in the future, perhaps with the help of a professional. You can look
yourself honestly in the mirror and say “Maybe I did something wrong” then I
will be willing to discuss it. But I will not descend into the insanity that
you have created. When a sibling is in trouble, the family rallies around them.
Everyone did that (and does that) except you. What kind of a mother uses their
own children as pawns in their twisted game? Of all you have done that is the
most horrific. I pray for you and C*****a and the children every day. May
Hashem (God) be good to all of you.
Love, A******a (Yes I still love you
in spite of all you have done)
machlokes = fight,
Hakoros Ha'tov = gratitude
Halevai = I wish
Hashem = G-d
Sincerely,
“Oy Vey!”
Dear “Oy Vey”,
Thank you for
following the page and I am glad to hear the posts have been helpful for you in
your situation. I felt extremely unsure
of how to tackle this message because of the mixture of a religion I have no
experience with. I do not know what is
culturally “acceptable” and then I realize these issues really do cross every
cultural barrier so let’s start with the unwillingness to go to group therapy
on your mother’s part as she would rather get you into therapy….alone…with her. It seems a common tactic of manipulation for
a narcissist to get their victim into therapy alone with them. This allows for the further manipulation
through the therapist. I do believe most
therapists will recognize this but there is always the chance that they won’t. I think your suggestion to keep all involved
so there wouldn’t be any “misunderstandings” was a great. Also, the fact that you wanted to keep your
husband involved was great. If anything
I would seek therapy on your own without the involvement of others. As for the mediator I am unsure why this is
necessary? Are we talking of a legal
mediator because there are children involved or a spiritual mediator to heal
the rift in the family? I will go under
the assumption that it is to mediate the family rift. Again, mediation should involve all parties
and should not be done in secret with only your mother and who she picks and
choses to be present. Anyone affected by
the situation should be present so there aren’t any future
misunderstandings. As for the children,
it is a good idea to keep them out of the circus. To my understanding your mother is trying to
control you from across an ocean so I can only imagine what goes on when she is
up close and personal. While we are on
the topic of “No Contact”, this is a deeply personal choice. We go no contact with our family for many
different reasons, usually when the situation is so emotionally or physically
abusive that we are pushed into a corner and we have a “fight or flight”
reaction. I can’t really give advice on
this for your situation as this will be a decision that you will have to mull
over with your husband and/or a therapist.
The bottom line being “The best interest of the children”. It seems as if you have a really good handle
on the situation with the low contact so I would keep monitoring it. The main
issue I see is putting the involvement of flying monkeys at bay and the
recruitment of flying monkeys. In my own family I did have to go no contact so
I know how hard this is for you. Try not
to make any decisions out of spite but a good look at the reality of your
relationship with your family. Good luck to you in the New Year and if you need
any support just let me know!
Regards,
Narcissist Problems
August 2, 2015
Dear Narcissist Problems "Flew the Coup"
Dear Narcissist Problems,
I need some advice.
I am in the middle of a divorce with my abuser and he has essentially
"romanced" everyone I know into thinking that I am the wrong doer. He
is so suave in that way that he has convinced my attorney that I have done
wrong. I'm not sure what do or if there is some way that I could point my
attorney to the "idea" of my abusers narcissistic ways without coming
across as slandering him. He has
convinced everyone including my attorney, (somehow) that I had an affair and
that I left for no reason. Everyone thinks our life was "perfect" and
because I'm on disability for several mood disorders, he has my attorney
convinced that I am out of my mind. He continues to track my cell phone (though
my carrier is not sure how he keeps doing it). He used me as a tool to abuse my son who is
now almost 20. And though my son hated him over the last 12 years he has now
turned his back on me and sides with my husband who is not his biological father. I always tried to defend my son and stick up
for him. But my husband would wear me down with constant arguments telling me
how bad of a mother I was and if I didn't listen my son would turn out to be a
"hood rat" as he called it.
He used to be a deputy in a neighboring county and I found out recently
that he was fired because he lied on his application. I tried to hide in another state and had all
of my records redacted so that he would not know my location. But he told my
attorney exactly where I live. That's how I found out he has been tracking my
phone. I guess my attorney now
assumes that I'm loopy and told him where I was going. We were together
for 12 years and I was placed on disability 10 years ago. Update: I've
reached out to my attorney and had a little heart to heart with him. I guess I
just jumped the gun on his responses to me. He was very understanding and said
that his suggestion to settle for less was an effort to keep me from having to
endure anymore emotional trauma. He had seen how drastic my demeanor/behavior
changed when being faced with my ex-husband (soon to be ex-husband). He knew I
had been through some bad things with my ex.
Sincerely,
“Flew the Coup”
Dear “Flew the Coup”,
I’m glad to hear
everything turned out well with your attorney but have you considered possibly
getting a consult with a few other attorneys to see what they say? It is a conflict of interest if your soon to
be Ex is having conversations about you with your attorney. I’m glad to hear that things are coming to a close
for you. As for your son, there is not much you can do about the situation
because he is an adult so all you can do is respect his decision. I wouldn’t even bring it up in conversation
because that will make you look like the bad guy. Try your best to leave him out of it. Narcissists are masters of manipulation and I
wouldn’t doubt if he was buying your sons support or simply making up lies and
passing them off as truth. I found that
when you are in the midst of a smear campaign there is little you can do to
protect yourself from the gossip because people rarely ask for your
version. Keep documenting the crazy and
file police reports if need be. I would
contact your local court house and see a victims advocate about the
E-stalking. In my own experience, the
police won’t do much unless you have been harmed even if you have a P.O.
against the nut case. The good news is
that laws are beginning to change and this type of harassment is starting to
become more recognized. You just might
get lucky and find someone who is willing to step up to the plate and help you
protect yourself against electronic stalking.
The first steps I would take is throwing that cell phone in the garbage
and getting a prepaid with no paper trail back to you. Get a P.O. Box and just wait it out. I would love to help more with the electronic
stalking but I’m finding myself in the same situation where nobody will help
unless they show up on my doorstep. It’s
amazing to me because we get stalking orders so that our stalkers stop
following us and tormenting us but we find little protection when they find our
locations electronically and just have to wait in fear until they show up. If any of the readers does have a stalking
order and police took electronic violations seriously please message the page
and let us know what happened! Good Luck
to you!
Regards,
Narcissist Problems
July 18, 2015
Dear Narcissist Problems "Falsely Accused"
Dear Narcissist Problems,
So, he gas lighted me for
5 years. Including moving things in the house. He tried to make me think I was
losing my memory and ability to make sound judgements. He lied and denied
things he said or did, that I saw. He convinced his coworkers that I'm a
control freak, convinced his family I'm unstable, discredited me to my friends,
made me look like an incapable parent, projected his feelings that I'm a bad
person down my throat. So I am getting a divorce. My daughter told me her dad
tickles her vagina. I told the therapist. Cps was called. He is so good that
even with the other incidents of abuse and my daughter’s symptoms they dropped
the case. He made it look like I was spinning information and that I'm crazy.
His therapist thinks I have serious issues and need a psych evaluation in
court. His lawyer thinks I'm nuts and his parents won't talk to me. The worst
part... My lawyer decided not to take my case, she referred me to another
lawyer, and he won't take my case. I called my original lawyer with no response
from her. He's taking me to court and I have no representation and am forced to
sign on papers I don't know how to read... Legal jargon. We had sex three times
in 6 years, he ignored, rejected, humiliated, projected, used porn and refused
his wife, lied constantly, double standards, got his needs met by our 5 yrs.
old daughter. He provoked me constantly, threatened to call the cops on me, and
stonewalled. No closure, no conflict resolution. Denied all his abusive
behaviors or blamed me, used dating sites... Which he denies, he lived a double
life while smearing me to his people... He also kept me away from those people.
He had more contempt and disrespect then I knew was possible. He has another
personality for the public. My daughter and I both had PTSD, but I can't get a
lawyer.
Sincerely,
“Falsely Accused”
Dear “Falsely Accused”,
One of the most difficult
situations we will ever be in with a Narcissist is when we are forced into a
courtroom battle that involves our children.
Since starting this page I have heard from numerous people who have
described your exact situation and this is why I want and need more people like
yourself to write the page and let us know what is going on in our family court
system today. Unfortunately, these
people are very good at making us appear to be crazy to the point that lawyers
do not want to represent us. The case is
not easily shut and closed as we spend months and years dealing with false
allegations and being court ordered into psychiatric evaluations or worse
actually being forced into a mental institute based solely on the false
allegation. What we have to say about
our experiences with the family court system is met with disbelief as normal people
do not believe that the courts or a governmental agency is able to remove our
human/civil rights with zero evidence of wrongdoing. Guess what folks, it is happening. Every. Single. Day. Until we bring an awareness to this situation
we are going to get lost in the system and have our lives stripped away from us
by the family court system. The way it
works is that a false allegation will be made against an otherwise
healthy/normal person usually to child protective services. Child Protective Services can then remove the
parent rights of the falsely accused based on little evidence of wrong doing
and hearsay. The parent is then left to
defend themselves against these allegations and usually forced to sign papers
before court without understanding exactly what they are signing. A parent will assume that they are agreeing
to evaluations with the idea that this will prove that they are innocent of the
false allegations but what happens when that paper is signed is the exact
opposite. The signature is then used as
proof that the parent falsely accused has admitted guilt of wrong doing; when
they were under the impression that they were trying to prove their innocence
by cooperating with the government.
Further, the standard of evidence for a family court case is lower than
the standard used in the criminal court systems. Also, there is no right to a trial by a jury
of our peers. The family court system is
becoming a breeding grounds for abusers to father abuse their victims and we
need to stand up against this injustice!
Nothing good comes from secrets and the family court system is a very
secret affair. The only option we have
is to maintain our innocence, keep speaking the truth, research laws, and take
our own cases Pro Se. I know it is not advisable
to represent yourself in a court of law but when we are given no choice this is
what we must do in order to prevail. If
we sit and do nothing, not one person will care that we are not represented,
and that is including the judge. The
next hearing I suggest asking the judge for a lawyer and request a
continuance. Become very familiar with
your state laws, case law, and be prepared to fight for yourself. Document the crazy and bring that
documentation with you to court!
Document dates, times, what was said etc. Document even the little things. Do not be afraid to contact the police and
report the crazy. Just keep this thought
in mind when you feel you are being too hard on crazy “They would do this to me
and worse”. Many times we have trouble
calling the police when the crazies are acting crazy because we feel we are
being irrational or hypersensitive and it will make us look worse in
court. The more people you can get
involved with the witnessing of this abuse the better for you besides the
obvious of protecting yourself and your children. Let his lawyer think what they want, let his
parents think what they want, and let the whole damn town think what they
want. The only thing that matters is
that you keep speaking the truth even if your voice shakes and even if you are
standing alone looking like a lunatic because nobody believes you. If you lose your children to this monster,
appeal. Then you continue appealing
until your case is heard in federal court because THAT is how laws are changed. Do not flinch at their judgements but stand
strong and know that you are not alone!
If we continue to spread awareness of this situation it will force our
law makers to take a closer look! Good
Luck to you!
Regards,
Narcissist Problems
July 1, 2015
Dear Narcissist Problems, "Highway To Hell"
Dear
Narcissist Problems,
If
you post this or some part of it - please don’t mention my name. Thank you In
February this year, I met a guy on line. We started to talk - he suggested
texting, although I was not quite into it we soon started to text a lot 10, 20
texts a day. He told me a few years ago he has been diagnosed with bipolar -
but takes medication, and waits for DBT therapy. He said it in context of me
working as a support worker in psychiatric services. Before we even had a chance
to meet he had cancelled meeting me twice as one time he "got the flu"
another time "he had to stay longer at work". He is a very good
looking guy, with an excellent dress sense. Even before we met he was
frequently asking me questions such as "how are you feeling? What are you
up to today?” When we meet - he mirrored my emotions and dreams entirely. Now I
see it clearly but at the time - I just thought I meet a really kind and honest
guy. He told me a tragic story about his mum commuting suicide and him getting
in to foster care, it was odd thing for a first date - but as we already
discussed mental health - I didn't think much of it. After we meet he texted me
even more, starting making plans for few months ahead - like it would be
certain we will be together. He mentioned his exes and described one as being
"immature" and another as "being an abusive cheat". He
texted me every day from noon till midnight. It was difficult to keep up. I
felt that it was "too good to be true" such a handsome guy appeared
to be so much into me, but then he seemed to prefer to text me or call me to
see me. He has cancelled our plans several times, always giving some
"plausible reason" - "work, distressed friend, illness”. It felt
it wasn’t right so I told him " I really start to like you, but you keep
cancelling on me I feel you are not that much into me, otherwise you would make
an effort to see me". He reassured me and said "I will do my best to
change it, you are lovely girl, and it is my job to make you feel happy and
safe". He appeared to be stressed when I suggested to break it up before
it will get too serious. In total we went four times - dating for a month. He
asked to be exclusive. We spent hour’s texting. He showed me things he was into
- even found me shoes he liked. He told me he had a difficult past - stealing,
knife fights, self-harm, but he doesn't do anything like that anymore. Now
works in addictions helping homeless people. He didn't push for sex. On our
four date we had sex - but just after finishing his phone started to ring, and
he run away promising he will see me after two days. Next day he started
texting he can’t see me coz his friend is unwell with depression, I wasn't
happy with it, he asked to see me after the weekend (as I was working weekend).
We continued texting. Tuesday he said he "feels ill and two of his exes
started talking to him again - and he wasn’t too happy with it" I said
"if both of them are so into you - make them fight the winner can keep
you". He said he doesn't want any of them. Wednesday I said I need to talk
to him, he said he will get home very late - 12.30 pm and that he feels I guilt
trip him about not seeing me - which makes him unhappy and that “I wouldn't
have slept with you if I wouldn’t want to see you”. I was tempted to say that
we didn’t "sleep together” we "had a 10 minute f*ck session, and I
had to check if he didn't leave any cash behind as I felt so cheap after".
But I left witticism and waited for him to call me after work. He texted me as
promised. It was 12.30 am asked if I still need him to call. I replied
"yes" then he didn't call, so I wrote "you must be tired as you
don’t call me let’s talk. Tomorrow". He didn’t reply. Next day I woke up
around 8 am thinking I am getting played, and that he doesn't even care enough
to reply. I wrote " I texted you yesterday waited for your call, I must
admit I have fell for you it is pathetic I know but I see you don’t have
feelings for me and don t even want to end it in a civil way, wish you good
luck”. Then around noon I got a reply “what are you talking about? I didn’t get
any texts from you – you didn’t reply to me so I went to bed, and stop being
rude and invent issues where there are none – I can call you now if you like”.
We spoke 20 min mostly with him telling me how overworked he is, how everyone
relies on him, and how he “spreads himself thinly between friends, family and
seeing you” Then he said “you made your choice about us – I can’t stop you,
although I don’t want to end”. He suggested seeing each other after the
weekend, and I agreed. When we finished talking I felt uneasy - “why would he
say I am rude? why would he say he didn’t get the texts?, am I not important
enough to see me on the day? “So I looked at his Facebook to calm myself down –
see nothing dodgy goes on – and then I see him tagged on a picture with a girl
– her cover photo. She was wearing the shoes he showed me that was it for me, I
felt hurt. I wrote “I looked at your Facebook, as always full of girls
commenting on his selfies, you have been out with another girl, I can’t be in
competition with others – and she wears the shoes you showed me, I give up”. He
first replied with “she is a friend, shoes were a gift – don’t be a child” but
then he called me and shouted at me “you have a vendetta against me! I am tired
of proving myself to others and you! Leave me alone as I have life to live” then
hung up not waiting for my response. I was shocked, didn’t know what to think,
nobody ever treated me like that. Then he started writing things like “you make
drama out of nothing, I have a right to have friends, as you do. You should
apologize to me – you think I am an idiot – stupid enough to date multiple
people and plaster Facebook with it?” Then he defriended me on the Facebook. I
couldn’t understand what he is on about. It didn’t feel right. I snapped and wrote
“I don’t think you are stupid, but hell messed up. What do you want me to apologize?
Shame you don’t want to be mates. I will speak to you later, as I am busy”. It
felt really bad. He said “Nope don’t want to be your friend, not after what you
said” As it felt bad, and I thought that a guy who would care for me wouldn’t
act like that, I thought to leave this situation. Next day at evening he texted
“ Will you apologize for the things you said yesterday as it hurt a lot” I said
“if anything can get better we need to talk in person, maybe I don’t want it to
be over yet” I said it coz I wanted a proper conversation and thought he will
not see me otherwise. He wrote” When I was 19 a girl died in my arms, that is
why I was alone for so long I was hurting, why would I lie to anyone, why would
I hurt anyone? Too old for BS games” I read this and it got me creeped out –
how dare he play me with a dead body? Truth or not, doesn’t matter – using pity
or whatever was that – dead girlfriend - didn’t make me feel safe. I didn’t
reply. Next day, he wrote things like “right, if you want to talk you can come
to see me near my house for two hours on Tuesday. Yes or no. Answer would be
nice as I know you are reading this”. I didn’t reply. Then he was calling left
the voicemail, same stuff but sounded a bit nicer. I didn’t reply. This is a
bit long – but I wanted to give you full the picture, it finished in April and
I still hurt. I went NC, and I stooped myself from looking him up online. When
I am low I think about contacting him, but I know that he only would try to
manipulate me or shout at me, or be mean in another way. And the thought of contacting
him goes away – when I am happier. I don’t understand – how I got so involved
is such a short time? or why he wanted me to fall for him? The guy is very good
looking so he wouldn’t have a trouble with casual sex, and he knows it. Why he
would go out of his way to text and call a girl who wouldn’t matter to him? How
I can get over him sooner? Some friends understand, some say “you got played,
shame but it is life”. I just need some kind of hope that I will feel better,
and that I didn’t mess it up. That is the end.
Sincerely,
“Highway to
Hell”
Dear
“Highway
to Hell”,
There are so many things going on with
this guy that I don’t even know where to begin.
Let me say this first: THANK GOD THE RELATIONSHIP ENDED
QUICKLY!!!!!! I think this guy is a step
above a narcissist, he may actually be a psychopath!!! The circular argument that he created and then
blamed you for is the classic narcissistic ploy to keep you on the defense and
discrediting your feelings, wants, and needs leaving you apologizing for his
infidelity! The thing that steps this
whole situation up a notch is the fact that when he was losing control over you
and the situation he brings up the dead girlfriend. I’m honestly creeped out by this one
too. Two things are going through my
mind A. he is a psychopath and he actually killed that girl or B. He is a
pathological liar. The pathological
lying is obvious from what you have written but the dead girlfriend, I’m going
to believe it. I’m also going to believe
that he killed her, watched the life drain out of her eyes with a sense of
pleasure, and then made it look like an accident. I am so happy you got away from this royal
mind fuck!! You got away and you are alive! They say that hindsight is
20/20. Unfortunately we don’t notice
many red flags until the relationship is over and we are left to deal with the
aftermath of utter emotional destruction.
The good news is that these encounters leave many of us determined to
save others from the same fate so we spend countless hours screaming the red
flags from the rooftops in the hopes that others will notice them before it is
too late. The bad news is that we did
not notice them before it was too late to save ourselves and we are left to
pick up the pieces and heal alone. One
thing that you will notice in your next relationship is to start out slow. If you notice things moving too fast too soon
this could be a red flag of a dysfunctional or toxic person especially if the
focus is asking a lot of personal questions and the level of intimacy seems
rushed. While I can’t say that every
person we meet online is a bad person but it may be a bad way to start off a
relationship romantically. One of the
best self-disclosures he made to you was when he divulged his past to you “He
told me he had a difficult past - stealing, knife fights, self-harm, but he
doesn't do anything like that anymore.” Was
one of his “knife fights” with the girlfriend who mysteriously died in his
arms?!?!? I hope to god that was a lie
to shame you with guilt and pity instead of an actual homicide! Thank god you
got away. The next time you feel like
calling this psycho remind yourself that he literally could be a murderer! If
not a murderer of humans but a soul murderer, either way you are better off! Did
you notice anything missing after you were around him? I noticed my own narcissist was a
kleptomaniac. Moreover, after the first sexual encounter I will bet he may have
had that phone call planned ahead of time and the excuse set in stone. It was probably even his wife. The woman
wearing the shoes was probably his wife too. I get the feeling that when your
first two dates were canceled maybe he was even in the midst of abandoning his
last victim or going through a divorce while love bombing and grooming you to
fill that void that was opening. If the
relationship ended in April you still have a long healing process in front of
you and I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself.
Think of it this way; you just went cold turkey from the most addictive
drug known to mankind, the love/love bombing of a narcissist. Being in a relationship with a narcissist
goes from the extremes of “finding your soulmate” to climbing your way out of
hell. When in a relationship with one of
these emotional rapists they sell us our dreams and literally deliver a
nightmare. When leaving any
relationship, abusive or not, we always have doubts because we tend to forget
the bad and focus on what was good about it.
If things didn’t end well (and usually they don’t with a narcissist and
they REALLY don’t with a psychopath) we have a difficult time finding any
closure because we linger on what should of, would of, and could of happened
instead of what actually did happen. We
begin to blame ourselves for things that went wrong and then we question our
own reactions. We ask ourselves and
everyone we know: Was I too
sensitive? Was I over reacting? Am I exaggerating? Was that argument my fault? We have trouble
putting the abuse into perspective because we really want to believe that
nobody could be that cruel and evil and that maybe yes we are too sensitive,
over reacting, or exaggerating what we lived through. The sad part is that very few people, if any,
in our lives will truly understand the type of emotional torture and resulting
spiritual conflict that we are going through.
Like the saying goes “You won’t understand it until it happens to you”. So when we turn to our loved ones or friends
(if we have any left at this point) they either will not know how to react to
what we tell them or they will tell us to just give it time or just suck it up
and move on or Drum roll please, “You Got Played”. Most of the time this will be the worst
advice we will ever receive in our lives.
We need to connect with others who understand the nightmare we just
escaped so we can freely talk out our pain without feeling judged or our
situation trivialized. We need to learn
from others who have been there to see how they journeyed out of hell. We need to be inspired by those who did make
it out of hell and find the strength to encourage those who are stuck in the labyrinth
created by our narcissist. The
narcissists leave us in a maze that seems to have no exit. Sometimes it is impossible to find an exit
and we give up hope of recovery/healing until magically another survivor turns
on a light and shows us the way out of that hell. Good luck to you on your healing journey. It is going to take time. It may take years but you can heal from
this. Find a support group with others
who have dated a narcissist and get on there and vent, ask questions, learn,
and someday in the future you will log into that group and you will read the
post of a woman/man who is now in the same situation you are leaving. Seeing this post you will then realize how far
you have come and how much awareness you need to spread to warn the
others. And by others….. I mean the rest
of mankind.
Regards,
Narcissist Problems
June 17, 2015
Dear Narcissist Problems; "Bacon Sandwich"
Dear Narcissist Problems,
I need help please. I think I'm being completely emotionally
manipulated. I feel like I've fallen into a dark hole I can't get out of. I met
a guy at work just over a year ago. At first everything was amazing and he was
great. Then for various reasons we decided to move in together. Since we have
been living together he has been having regular mood swings. I now feel like I
never know where I am with him. One day he can be as loving as can be and the
next day he will lash out. I got thrown out of the house on packing day for not
making him a bacon sandwich which he asked for Xmas morning because I was in a
rush to go and see my kids from my previous relationship (they live with their
father, thank goodness. Sometimes he will fly off the handle at me and I'm not
even sure why. He has threatened me, sworn at me, spat in my face twice,
grabbed me and forcibly taken a picture of my stomach calling me fat, stupid,
weak and pathetic. He does this
especially if we are exercising together and I don't do as he says. He has come
at me with his fists then punched the wall, also a mallet and a knife (I hid in
the bathroom). The police have been involved but when they are here he plays
the victim. I ran off once and hid for a week but every time I leave he begs
and pleads with me to return and starts acting how he used to all loving and
everything. He is involved with a mental health team as he has been signed off
work with depression for 12 weeks now. He works in the health industry and is
very knowledgeable of psychology etc. When he has counselling and even when the
crisis team comes out he acts in such a way that they pander to him. I have
left numerous times but each time I find myself returning and apologizing
although most of the time I'm not even sure what for. I've started smoking, I
don't see any of my friends and I don't go anywhere. I lost my job in March due
to being ill with stress. This has been ongoing since Christmas. Sometimes I
return and accept things and have no idea why. It is like he knows all the
buttons to push on me so I behave how he wants. I feel like I'm going crazy. I
have started to question myself and my own sanity and behavior, finding me
blaming myself for things. I keep excusing his behavior saying it must be depression.
He had threatened to kill himself before when I have left, and cut himself once
thereby making me feel bad. I feel totally trapped.
Sincerely,
“Bacon Sandwich Breakfast”
Dear “Bacon Sandwich Breakfast”,
This guy is more than a
manipulator, he is a hurricane! The only
response I have to this is Get out Now!!!
They say that when we bond with people we do so whether the bonding is
positive or negative. I don’t know what
happened in your life prior to this relationship but what you are describing here
is a typical abusive relationship. You
are experiencing emotional abuse when you are degraded and humiliated. You are experiencing physical abuse when he
comes at you with fists and weapons.
What I really want to know is what are you waiting for? Are you waiting for this guy to murder
you? Because eventually he will. With trauma bonding, to my understanding, it
becomes impossible to leave the relationship not because we are weak but
because we think we love this terror we spend our days with. This person is terrorizing you and it’s to
the point that you feel normal in this role.
I am not saying you enjoy being a victim I am saying that you have come
to feel normal with the abuse. A big red
flag of abuse is being isolated from your friends and family. I will not go into any more detail listing
the reasons why you are being abused. I
will just say, you are being abused and you need to get as far away from this guy
as possible. You need to find the
strength to ignore the threats he is making to harm himself because guess
what? Those threats will soon turn into
action and trust me when I say, if those threats are carried out you will most
likely be physically harmed in the process.
You need to document these threats and call the authorities on him. Document all the crazy. Please contact your local court house and get
in touch with a domestic violence advocate.
Yes, thank god your child is not there to witness this but your child
also does not need to witness the shell of a person his mother is
becoming. Read up on the red flags of
abuse. Have conversations with others
who have gone through abuse, get counseling, and join some support groups. There is no question about the
manipulation. Yes you are being
manipulated and you were groomed to accept this abuse. Take a lot of time to work on you before
getting into a new relationship after this.
Find out what made you attracted to this person in the first place and
what made you stay. This relationship
will eventually kill you. You do not
have time to consider what I have said here.
Let the hair on the back of your neck raise up, your heart start
pumping, and your instinct to take flight come over you. Do not ignore your gut and do not ignore this
warning. If you do not leave this person
as soon as you read this response tomorrow might be too late. GET. OUT. NOW. You need to disappear because
his rage when he finds out you are gone will not simmer down so document the
crazy and do not hesitate to contact the police! We are talking about your life. You do not have any more time to sit around
and wonder what you should be doing because if you do it could be the death of
you.
Regards,
Narcissist
Problems
June 3, 2015
Dear Narcissist Problems, "Issues"
Dear
Narcissist Problems,
My
husband is a narcissist and I'm bipolar. I take my meds, workout, and
constantly stay busy so I don't feel bad. If things aren't perfect I get criticized.
I don't know how much more I can take, I feel like I am suffocating. I have a 3
yr. old w/ him and I don't want to leave, I want him to have both parents. My
husband has abandonment issues as well. Things are okay for now, but the
weekends are usually horrible. I'm bipolar and I take meds and cycle on the
weekends, he knows this. But sometimes I think either he's super anxious cause
of it or purposely pushes my buttons cause a low time for me.
I
tried to talk to him about how I was worried about him. He said the people that
I'm talking about don't have a conscience at all and that he would have already
left me if that was the case, he says he loves me no matter what.
Sincerely,
“Issues”
Dear
“Issues”,
When did you discover that you were bipolar? Are you sure that maybe you are not in fact
just surrounded by an Asshole? I am not
making light of the situation but life with a narcissist can make us act
abnormally. Even if we are not acting abnormally we will be labeled with
disorders and forced to comply with the label.
Abusers do this when scapegoating and invalidating a victim to
others. An example of this happened to
me when my narcissist tried to prove I was an unfit parent in order to gain
custody of my children. They are very convincing
when they tell others of your disorder as well, to the point that even you
might believe them. I would feel like I
was suffocating as well if I were expected to be perfect all the time. Narcissists have this wonderful talent where
they tell us what they expect of us and then when we deliver they change their expectations. It might be something as small as leaving a
nightlight on in the bathroom. We are
conditioned to remember this night light every night and if we forget all hell
will break loose. Then one day out of the
blue, if the narcissist is bored or needs to feed on your emotions, you turn
the night light on and then get under the covers ready for bed. Then the next thing you know you are under
the direct fire of a verbal onslaught of how stupid you are because you left
the night light on. You tell the narc
that they want the light on every night and this is when you are called
crazy. “I don’t want the light on EVERY
NIGHT only on the nights that (fill in the blank)”. Then you recondition yourself to make sure
the night light is off every night and then a couple weeks/months later the
same thing occurs. “I told you to leave
the night light on every night! Why are you turning it off?!?!” Crazy making at its finest. This could happen with anything; the way you
fold towels, vacuum the floor, cook pasta, wash the windows, when you shower,
what you wear, and the list goes on.
Maybe your husband criticizes you as a way to get you to abandon
him. Narcissists are great at creating self-fulfilling
prophecies. They create environments
that will result in the behavior. The
same thing occurs when they project their feelings onto us. They will call us names; lazy, pathetic, a
slob, Multiple personalities, whore, or crazy and eventually we may feel this
way about ourselves/believe it. Normal people want our children to have both
parents but being miserable is not a great way for a child to grow up knowing
his parents. Make a list and evaluate
the situation, why are you staying, what are the costs/benefits, and how will
the current situation effect your child?
I would seek a free consultation with an attorney, document the crazy
(even if it seems meaningless), and get into therapy. Good Luck to you!
Regards,
Narcissist Problems
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