Dear Narcissist Problems,
I'm 22 years old and
have a 5 month old son with this guy. He's
my first love. I’m not open about sharing myself with others because I'm afraid
of being hurt but I get along with anyone. I usually put others before myself, I find joy
in helping others and helping them better themselves makes me feel good about
myself. I was dedicated to school and
basketball until I met him things got rocky.
My
mother wasn't really there for me growing up but I still love her. I live with my father who is a retired police
officer and he's pretty cool just sometimes to me it was hard expressing his
love as he is also quiet and to himself but I love my parents regardless,
giving the hardships I been through. I have 3 sisters and 6 brothers my friendships
last years.
I
was a virgin until 19 and have only been with 3 guys and one being the one I'm
with and that’s the one I'm most comfortable with, he's the one I connected
with and I just love him more than anything and thought he would never hurt me.
I’ve
been with this guy for almost 3 years now. At first things were good. We met
and were just friends and we got closer and closer. We started to share our
past rather it be about relationships, family issues, things we liked and
didn’t like to do. About 2 months into talking to him he asked me out and
within the 3rd month he said he was in love with me. I fell deeply in love with
him and I thought he was my match and my soul mate from then on. The first
couple months were good until things started to go south. It started when this phone
number was continuously calling him late at night around 3 in the morning and I
would constantly ask who it was. At times he would say no one and then he would
tell me it’s his ex-girlfriend. Well I said why don’t you answer it? He replies
and says because I don’t want to, there’s no point because she hurt me and I’m
done with her. So I brushed it off but it kept happening so I asked to explain
why they broke up. He said she lied about who she was online and she just hurt
him. Moving forward I let that go seeing we were together and thought nothing
more of the ex. I let this guy move in with me because his parents kicked him
out and he had nowhere to go. I fed him clothed him pretty much was there for
him through it all. Now things got worse when I would see him texting other
girls, and sexting. We would argue and he would tell me it wasn’t like that or
say he doesn’t know why he did it and that he loved me I was the only girl for
him. I forgave and things went back on track. Then this would happen again
either with a coworker or some girl online I would confront same outcome. He
made me so paranoid that I would go through his phone when he would be sleep or
make fake accounts or numbers and text him to see how he would reply back. When
I would confront him with evidence he would be in denial and we argue more or
he would pull the, you don’t trust me card or I knew that was you the entire
time when I know that was a lie. I would forgive him and life would be good
again. On to the 2nd year we would talk more about building and he would say
how he loved and wanted to marry me start a family together. I was still in
college and playing on the basketball team and I didn’t want to just halt
everything. He would tell me a baby would bring us closer and that I was his
life. Still occasionally or I shall say when I would find out the infidelity of
cheating texting other girls would happen still. But I decided to have a child
with him and I feel like that was the biggest mistake. I felt alone the entire
pregnancy he was somewhat emotionally there for me. 2 weeks before our sons due
date he walked out on me and was gone for a week. Then eventually asked for my
forgiveness and I took him back. in the course of being pregnant between the
porn websites dating websites the texting of the girls and me finding panties
in the car from under our mattress I was fed up and there were excuses for it
al. sorry I’m all over the place there’s just so much that has happened. Our
son is 5 months old now and we got into an altercation and he has left again
and won’t even come see his son won’t answer phone calls messages. he is also
on drugs (weed and on probation for it but that doesn’t faze him one bit) I try
and try with hi second chances I try to fix him but I find myself hurt or
everyone thinks I’m crazy ohhh and the e girlfriend I mentioned of his earlier every
time we get in fight he calls her when he knows that affects me I’ve cried my
eyes out to him saying why can’t you leave her alone etc.. And he doesn’t see
the issue with them talking??? I need help I want to leave my friends and
family think I need to but I love this guy so much.
Sincerely,
“99 problems and a
Narcissist is one”
Dear “99 problems”,
The first thing I would like to say is
Congratulations on finding your way here at the age of 22 instead of 42!!! You are already years ahead of the trauma
many of us here have endured due to our own narcissist problems. Kudos!
Also, congratulations on the baby! There are some red flags that stand
out in your relationship with this guy but I first want to point out the first
thing you stated here. You enjoy helping
others because it makes you feel good. I
would really look into this self-observation and spend some time reflecting and
exploring the reasons why you think and feel this way. Do you feel guilty caring for yourself? Do you feel you do not deserve to love
yourself or ashamed to love yourself?
I will not try to diagnose your
significant other as a narcissist because I do not have the authority to do so,
I am not a medical doctor or a psychiatrist.
I do however notice that your relationship went kind of fast from first
meeting to declaring him your soul mate.
What did he do that made you feel this way? The way you describe things here the sketchy
behavior started pretty early on with the mysterious 3am phone calls. One thing that many of us who have lived
through a relationship of any kind with a narcissist is that they always keep
supply around. This supply is usually in
the form of ex-boyfriend/girlfriends, ex-friends, or an ex-anything. They tell us these people are obsessed with
them or just can’t let go when in reality they are secretly maintaining these
relationships but they do so in a way that we would never suspect. By the time the relationship is over we have
also been turned into one of the crazy obsessed ex’s.
At such a young age
you should really make a plan and focus on your priorities. Ask yourself how you want to see your life
play out and what behavior is acceptable and unacceptable in your close
relationships, including with family.
Really spend some time evaluating ALL of your relationships because I
have the feeling you are holding onto some other relationships that may also be
toxic for you. My advice here is to let
this guy go. Yes it is going to hurt
because you love him but you need to love yourself and your baby more. I suggest finding a system of support from
people who are currently not involved in your life. Distance yourself emotionally for a little
while and seek counseling. If you have
health insurance I would visit your family doctor and ask for advice on where
to find a therapist without going into too much detail. If you do not have access to these resources
please message the page again so we can help you locate some resources in your
area. A lot of communities have places
you can turn to if you are on a limited budget with limited resources. I believe it would be in your best interest
and the babies to take steps that will allow you to become strong, stable, and
self-reliant. I am not saying to shut the world out. I am saying seek a system of support
emotionally, seek therapy to learn new ways of forming relationships, and learn
how to set healthy boundaries. You
deserve to be treated the same way you treat others. You deserve to love and be loved. Make a plan, get back into school, and start
building a great life because you deserve it!
Learn from this relationship and later on down the road you will have
the skills necessary to never be treated like this again or accept being
treated this way. You are very young and
have the power to make changes in your life.
You are also old enough to set boundaries if someone is treating you
poorly.
If you are uncomfortable, initially, with
seeking help then a great place to start when you need to figure out what if
anything is wrong is Google scholar. I
wouldn’t do a regular internet search on this subject but get information from
very reliable sources. Search for things
that you are wondering about “Emotional abuse” “infidelity” “red flags of abuse”
etc. We have all found our way here
because of that initial Google search and while it is wonderful being able to
connect with others who share your experience and pain it should be limited to
just that, sharing experiences. In order
to heal learn about what has happened to you from professionals and
professional sources. I can share my
experience and give advice but I can’t show you how to heal because I have no
experience, other than my own, on which to reference. Each of us are on our own journeys and it is
up to each of us on how hard we work to heal from the trauma we have
endured. I will list some articles, journals,
and basic information that may be helpful for you and the rest is up to
you. Good luck on your healing journey
and if you need emotional support we are always here for a shoulder to lean on!
Regards,
Narcissist Problems
Here is an idea on where to start from resources
available on Google Scholar
ROBERT
N. RASKIN and CALVIN S. HALL
Psychological Reports
1979 45:2 , 590-590
Psychological Trauma and the Adult Survivor: Theory,
Therapy, and Transformation
By I. Lisa McCann PhD.,
Laurie Anne Pearlman PhD.
Dating
infidelity: Behaviors, reasons and consequences.
Roscoe, Bruce; Cavanaugh, Lauri E.;
Kennedy, Donna R.
Adolescence, Vol 23(89), 1988,
35-43.
Surveyed 247 17–23 yr olds
concerning 3 issues: behaviors that constitute infidelity in a dating
relationship, reasons for a dating partner to be unfaithful, and reactions to a
dating partner's infidelity. Responses indicate more similarities than
differences between dating infidelity and extramarital affairs with regard to
behaviors, causes, and consequences. Results are discussed in terms of
similarities between dating and marital infidelity and the rationale for
professionals to interact with adolescents concerning the potential long-term
consequences of dating infidelity. (PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2012 APA, all
rights reserved)