June 11, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Help"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Hello, I didn't feel safe posting this on the wall. After 1 year and a half, 4 day trial in court I have finally divorced the most perfect narcissist who follows every single bullet from all narcissist posts. He fits like a glove. He’s done it all. I have been harassed, abused, stalked, threatened, intimidated, and my story is one of many, very sad... now I’m divorced, happy to say everything went fine in court but... he has not stopped. He keeps threatening in his emails, intimidating me, creating problems where there’s none.... my heart skips a bit when I see his mail in my inbox. I can barely breathe and I start shaking as I open one. (We have joint physical custody of 2 precious little girls. Therefore email contact stays open, and he sure abuses it to get to me. I have taken the free services of LAWS for counseling but we have no more available. I went from being unemployed ( stay home mom ) when separation started, to having a fulltime job ( starting September ) now part time, having my own rental place, paying for everything, as he is not paying the child support or alimony... I have done a miracle so to say in a year and a half... BUT.................................. I need tools, I need mental help to deal with him after court, after attorneys... I need guidance... can anyone help me??? Where can I go? He left us without health insurance... I got my kids insured but I still have no health insurance... so I need some sort of free service offered by any support group?




Dear “Help”,

   Thank you for the question and you asked a great one! I have some good and bad news for you. The bad news is that he will never stop.  The good news for you is that you have a highly arrogant narcissist on your hands.  What I am understanding from your message is that you have limited contact with your ex-husband?  If so, congratulations!  The key to dealing with a narcissist is to not react to their provoking.  There only goal is to illicit a reaction from you whether it is positive or negative.  When he is there writing those emails and picturing your response he is getting high.  If you actually do respond and acknowledge whatever he said to provoke you it would probably be the equivalent of what a heroin addict feels just after shooting up.  From what I’ve seen in the movies the high a drug addict feels after shooting up is greater than experiencing 20+ orgasms at the same time.  Do not feed his addiction.  Only give response that would involve your business with him and that is raising two girls.  If he sends a nasty email you can do one of two things A) root out the point (visitation, rescheduling, appointments) B) have someone you trust open your emails from him and have the trusted other root out the point.  Only respond to the point in a matter of fact tone only stating facts and clarifying facts.  No emotion and no reaction.  My best guess is that he only is trying to share custody with you to avoid paying child support.  Narcissists are great controllers, manipulators, and liars so don’t you ever forget that.  Their main goal is me, mine, and myself.  What you need to do in this situation is document the crazy.  Document the tactics he is using in his emails.  Print each email, get out a highlighter, and go to town highlighting every behavior you observe that you have learned about in these groups and on these pages.  Educate yourself on this abuse so you know what you are looking for.  Get a binder, get some clear binder inserts and start a case file.  Also, keep a journal.  You want to write in a daily journal time, date, what happened that day, did anything out of the ordinary happen (strange phone call from any agencies/businesses, strange mail, strange people),  If something or someone strange comes along document what happened (what did they say, do, have you seen them before, what were they wearing, what were they driving, license plate number, etc.), keep in your journal notes (I received an email today about____ and in the email I was threatened because ___).  You want to be your own personal advocate as far as this goes.  You want to be your very own private eye, call yourself “Friday”, and never forget you are building a case against this person.  Research your own state stalking/harassment laws, make police reports, in fact, become besties with your local PD so they know you in case something does happen.  Get your daughters into counseling.  I’m sure for the moment he might be treating them great because he has an agenda of making them hate you.  He is probably spoiling them and most likely bad mouthing you in the process.  Using your children as spies.  When this doesn’t work out he will discard the children as well so make sure you have “the change” well documented so it collaborates with all his nasty emails.  I know you want to shake like a leaf and run away.  You probably hide in your home a lot and peek out of your curtains at every little noise you hear.  Your heart probably jumps when the phone rings.  It’s time for you to get angry.  You do not deserve to be treated this way and how dare him to think that he can get away with this!  I am not saying become confrontational but become a solid rock; he can’t penetrate your being to the core.  He is a pesky fly on a hot summer night with no breeze that keeps trying to land on your sweaty face.  He is the mosquito buzzing in your ear all night but too small to find when you turn the light on.  He is the mildew that keeps growing in your basement bathroom.  He is the splinter in your finger that you can’t dig out.  He is the handle on a 24 pack of Coke that rips and makes all your cans hit the pavement and explode when you are walking from the grocery store to the car.  This is what you are dealing with and if I had all night to keep writing about things he could be equated to…. I would.  I’m sure you get the point, do not react.  As for help, joining support groups on Facebook geared toward narcissistic abuse is a great place to start.  Most of the groups I have joined have been amazing.  They are a great place to surround yourself with people who “get it”.  Just do a search through Facebook “Narcissistic abuse” “parental alienation” “High conflict spouse” “mental health advocate”.  I will send you some links to a few of the groups I participate in.  Most of them I joined over a year ago so I’ll send the ones I trust.  As for outside help, contact a local domestic abuse shelter or your county court house and ask where you can locate an advocate.  If you are struggling, go to your local DHS office and see if you qualify for any assistance/health insurance.  Also, contact local hospitals and see if they offer low income health clinics.  Use as many services as you need until you can get back on your feet again.  This is what they are for.  You can do this!  You are strong enough, you deserve to succeed, and one day you will look back on this horrible situation with gratitude because it has made you so strong.  Never forget, Document the crazy!  Prepare yourself to end up in court and never expect his help with anything financially.  Moreover, be careful who you share your problems with because a narcissist is a great manipulator and will use others as flying monkeys to come wreak havoc in your life.  You got this!


Narcissist Problems   

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