Dear Narcissist Problems,
Curious
if one who is diagnosed in past as passive/aggressive disorder now classified
as personally disorder also may exhibit narcissistic tendencies? I have been
dating a man/former Marine not involved in front line tactics. But in
administrative position. Nothing against them as my Dad was also a Marine Vet,
but they receive/conditioned with a very superior almost arrogant mentality. A
lot of times when we have a disagreement he twists the situation /my words
around blatantly like a pretzel and when I call him on it to defend what I
said/meant he dismisses my explanation/feelings. Such as, "You always want
to start an argument and bitch!" Most of the time it happens when we have
been drinking. He doesn't drink/ smoke every day, but when he does it is binge
drinking. When he is sober he needles me and is quick to point out what he
considers are flaws. We don't live together, but have different routines. He
goes to bed and rises early. If I stay over and happen to sleep until 8/8:30 he
sometimes acts like I slept the day away. I tell him just because we have
different routines doesn't mean I am not also productive. I have told him
before l don't need a dad. And when I feel like he is "lining” me out that
the code is my reply is, "Alright Gunny!" A figure of speech about a
Marine drill sergeant. I also have said just because we do things differently
doesn't mean one way is right and the other is wrong. We both have been divorced
for quite a while and thus being independent for so long and each having our
own routines/ways doesn't make it easy. But I feel that's when compromise comes
into play. Sometimes he agrees and other times he just walks away and does
other things. We go for a month or two and have a disagreement or I say
something he doesn't like I get the silent treatment for a few days to a week.
Sincerely,
“Dating Corporal Shithead”
Dear “Dating Corporal Shithead”,
I
wonder if the better question would actually be can someone with narcissistic
personality disorder have been accidentally diagnosed as passive aggressive. We are referring to people who use gas
lighting as a form of manipulation of our realities. So it isn’t too much of a stretch to notice a
lot of narcissists are also passive aggressive.
I’m assuming because of the plausible deniability of passive
aggression. It’s easy for passive
aggressive to be left open to assumption.
It’s also easy for a narcissist to say “You are misinterpreting what I
did or said because I didn’t mean it that way”, even when they know full well
they meant it that way! The silent
treatment is actually one of the number one tactics a narcissist will use to
put you in your place. To show their
disapproval of your behavior they will literally just ignore you or the topic
until you submit to whatever their requested behavior or ideas were.
In the
fall of 2013, there was an article written about the passive aggressive conflict
cycle written by Signe Whitson where she states “Persons who are passively
aggressive can provoke angry responses in another while not overtly appearing
to be aggressive themselves.”(Whitson 2013).
This is very important to understand as Narcissists are notorious crazy
makers. Signe then went on to identify
the five stages of passive aggressive conflict while emphasizing the only way
to avoid a conflict is to understand the passive aggressive conflict cycle. The five stages are as follows; Stage 1: The
Self-Concept & Irrational Beliefs of the Passive Aggressive Person which
explains that a passive aggressive person has been raised to avoid displaying
anger because doing so is dangerous. I’m
not going to go into too much detail on Stage one because from my perspective
it is irrelevant because most people would refuse to put in the work to change
their behavior in the first place. In
other words, it’s pointless to explore why he would feel that expressing anger
is dangerous.
Stage
two is The Stressful Event where the passive aggressive becomes the victim
because they are asked to do something.
This can be seen when he stated that "You always want to start an
argument and bitch!” He feels as though
you are picking on him for bringing up valid points of his bad behavior or
expressing things in the relationship that displeases you.
Stage
3, and here comes a very relevant fact; The Passive Aggressive Person’s
Feelings “The passive aggressive person has learned over the years to defend
against his angry feelings by denying them and projecting them onto others.”(Whitson
2013). I found stage three pretty
interesting since Narcissists are also Notorious for projecting all their
negative feelings and behaviors onto their victims.
Now here is where you might want to take
notes, Stage 4: The passive aggressive Person’s Behavior. Here it is stated that “The behavior of most
passive aggressive individuals is both purposeful and intentional. What is more, the passive aggressive person
derives genuine pleasure out of frustrating others to get someone else to act
out his or her anger. So essentially Corporal
shithead is pushing your buttons on purpose with the sole purpose of watching
you explode in anger or rage. They do
this by, “Denying feelings of anger, withdrawing and sulking (silent
treatment), procrastinating, carrying out tasks inefficiently or unacceptably,
and exacting hidden revenge.”(Whitson 2013).
Finally,
we come to Stage 5: The Reactions of Others.
In this stage the passive aggressive waits for the expected reaction and
then claims victimhood of your anger or frustration. It is important to see this behavior and be
able to identify it so the next time your buttons start to be pushed when he is
constantly keeping track of your daily schedule you are aware that he is
seeking your negative reaction.
Honestly,
after reading this article it seems that passive aggressive behavior might
actually go hand in hand with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Obviously I’m not a doctor but it’s all right
there in black and white. I hope this
helps to answer some questions for you.
As to your situation I have my own question to ask; “How long do you
want to be treated this way and deal with the drama?” Good luck on your healing journey!
Regards,
Narcissist Problems
Reference
Whitson, S.
(2013). The Passive Aggressive Conflict Cycle. Reclaiming Children &
Youth, 22(3), 24-27.
