Dear Narcissist Problems, "Parental Concerns"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Hey I'm really struggling with my narc at the moment.  He walked away from our child for 2 years for a woman and when it suited him ( because they had broken up ) he wanted my son in his life again I struggled for months with this I know what he's capable of he has emotionally traumatized my wee boy. The only reason I let him is because I used to have a serious drinking problem but am 3 years sober now and I could see how I was guilty of a lot myself like: played games, I provoked him purposely, I would always go back to him not that that excused his behavior.  He was cold, nasty, and unhuman towards me and my children but I can see my part.  Since getting sober I have learned to be healthy and have boundaries and good people around me and I have my faith so I thought since I had changed maybe he could too.  This went against everything I knew about narcs but 2 years and my son was still crying every night for dad so I let him back but with very strict boundaries and the last several months he has been good. He still tries to play games and snarky comments and mind games and the flirting despite him having a new gf but I shut it down n don't play into it.  This weekend after having 2 sick kids all week he had my son stay and started playing games with refusing to go get him medicine or letting me bring any over...eventually he did but he wound me up for a hour thinking my son was going to go without while he was sick and he loved that he got a reaction. I had sensed it was driving him nuts not being able to get a reaction for so long when I used to be so predictable so I think he knew how exhausted I was and jumped on his chance. Nobody I talk to understands why this has upset me so much but it's because I can see he's still exactly the same cold narcissist he's always been. Using my child's wellbeing to get a reaction from me it brought up all the stuff he's done to us in past. I try to not judge him on the past but it's hard. Everyone I've spoken to keeps saying no matter what he's still his father he has a right to have overnight access but after that I don't want to send him I wouldn't stop it completely that would mess with my boy but I don't want him there overnight by himself.  It reminded me I don't trust him with our child despite a few months of ok behavior I know who he is.  I desperately need advice on what I should do? There's no custody agreement as he walked away for so long so balls in my court. I want my son to have a dad but I'm scared of the damage it's doing by me giving him chance after chance. I get what others are saying that he needs to learn to be a dad and be patient but do narcs actually love their kids? Am I doing serious damage letting this man in his life?

Sincerely,

“Parental Concerns”

Dear “Concerned”,

            I’m really glad you threw in that last part about there not being a custody agreement because that was my first question.  Nobody wants to be a parental alienator.  Further, you have no control over his decision to abandon your child’s life.  You have no control over this man’s manipulative behavior either.  I would immediately stop any unsupervised visits until there is a court order in place.  I would also urge against overnight visits at all.  This man has been absent from your child’s life for years.  While yes he needs to “learn how to parent” it is not your job to teach him or your child’s duty to be a guinea pig.  Your past mistakes are mute at this point.  You have taken the steps to make your life right and are working on yourself to become a better person and to have a positive role in your life.  Stop the visits and site the withholding of medication as a sole reason.  If you did something like this the government would have your ass in court for medical neglect in a heartbeat, especially if something bad happened to the child as a result of the medicine being withheld.  Here is the thing, we are not psychic…or doctors.  We are mothers who are put into place to look after the best interest of our children.  You could not know if the withholding of medicine would seriously harm your child.  At this point, every encounter this man has with your child is evidence for a judge that he has a relationship with said child.  It’s not that you are trying to prevent this man from being a father.  What you need to do is get a court order in place that will allow this transition to take place safely.  Your goal is to have your child build a healthy and stable relationship with his father.  However, manipulating you so early on is a huge red flag that you need to ignore all of the advice you are receiving and head straight into a court.  Good Luck to you and stand firm!  No more unsupervised visits until this man proves he is capable of having them.  It’s one thing to ask for supervised visits for a father who has always been there for his child.  It’s quite another to give unsupervised visits to a known abuser who abandon the child for years.  Stand strong and call the police if you need to.  I would have called the police the minute he started playing games with the child’s health.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Fake Profiles"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

So my narcissistic mother invented Facebook profiles and interacted with herself. She made up two fake cousins, a fake police officer, and a fake Julian Lennon. She had one of the cousin’s die of brain cancer. She was a member of Julian Lennon fan clubs, so she was friends online with other fans, so she was using that profile to make it appear to the other fans that Julian Lennon was a personal friend. Meanwhile she was emailing the real Julian Lennon that her husband had been killed in Iraq. (Not True.) I just thought you and others might find this interesting.

Sincerely,

“Fake Profiles”

Dear “Fake Profiles”,

   I believe you.  I believe you because my own narcissist and many of the others who come along to visit these pages have experienced a similar phenomenon from their own narcissists.  Usually all we find out about are the fake profiles that were created to torment and harass us.  This type of behavior, however, is not out of the realm of what to expect when there is a narcissist in your life.  My own Narcissistic mother did pretty much the exact same thing!  Its sick, but I need you to know that A. I believe you and B. You are not alone in this bizarre discovery of yours!  Julian Lennon must be a narc magnet and I believe it’s because of the extreme tragedy of what he has gone through.  Narcissists are drawn to tragedy and drama like moths to a street light on a hot July night.  If they can collect some type of benefit from another’s tragedy even better in their eyes. Again, you are not alone with the Julian Lennon obsession from your narcissist!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems, "The Crazy Mom"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

I’m a recovering addict and crazy mom, been clean 10 yrs. off meth. I have one adult child that has depression, substance, and is narcissistic. I have asked him to leave my house yesterday and he said he’s leaving today. I can’t tell you how mean he has been to me and his younger brother. I’ve allowed him to stay with me because he is my son and I love him, because I owe him, and I failed him. He’s such a jerk and so alone and I feel so bad for. Him, he’s not the sweet boy this crazy addict mother abandoned to a cruel father years ago. I feel today like I am choosing my own survival, and I hope it’s not at the expense of his. I’m heartbroken. He has burned his bridges mostly everywhere else, except for maybe my daughter, who will put up with him for a while longer, but her boyfriend wont.

Sincerely,

“The Crazy Mom”

Dear “Crazy Mom”,

     The first step to recovering from anything is to admit there is a problem, right?  I’d like to commend you on coming to ask for advice on your situation.  I’m sure there is a possibility that you too also had a crazy mom which might have led to the addiction.  I’m sure that you are filled with guilt about the situation because of how you have failed your son in the past.  Here is the thing, we can’t change the past we can only try to make the future better.  It seems to me that you are more after validation than advice here so I will go ahead and validate your current actions.  You have made some major changes in your life for the better.  I’m assuming you are in therapy and your son is an adult.  If he is not an adult then yes you are obligated to get him the professional help he needs.  You are not your past mistakes especially if you have made the changes you need to fix your life.  Of course you feel guilty and heartbroken but we are all adults.  As you probably learned from your own experience nobody can help you unless you want the help.  You can love your son, you can try to be there for him, but you can’t enable his behavior.  This is a brand New Year the only thing we can do is to continue to work on ourselves to be better people.  We have no control over the behavior of anyone else.  Knowing this, you can’t hold yourself responsible for your son’s actions for the rest of your life because of your past guilt.  If he decides he wants to make positive changes in his life, seeks therapy, and tries to change then great.  If not there is very little you can do to help the situation.  Continue to do what you can but do not enable his behavior out of guilt.  Good Luck to you!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems