Showing posts with label narcissistic abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label narcissistic abuse. Show all posts

January 7, 2017

Dear Narcissist Problems, My sister was murdered by a narcissist

Dear Narcissist Problems,

      I don't know what to do....My sister died" suddenly" and I have requested her medical info and her narcissist husband will not allow me to have her records. He tormented me after her death by saying she liked to be locked in the closet. She was stuck in this relationship and I do think she was going to leave him. I cannot even access the 911 call. They said I could have it if I had my attorney request it then they denied the request. Police, Sheriff, fire dept. will not help. What do I do?
“Grieving Sister”

Dear “Grieving”,
            I’m really sorry to hear about the loss of your sister and I can only imagine how hard you are grieving. A narcissist can destroy the lives of everyone they come into contact with.  Even if he did not kill your sister his tormenting you is extremely cruel and if it isn't narcissistic abuse then it could possibly be the provocation of a psychopath . Without more information it would be really hard to say exactly what you should do. Many things would depend upon getting any help legally. It would be useful for you to find out if her abuse was actually documented and the cause of death. When you say she died suddenly it is unclear if suddenly means of a natural event or if there were any questionable circumstances. You could begin by trying to see if her abuse was documented and to get any help with this you will need a lawyer. It will be hard to get the police to listen if there is little or no documentation. If there is documentation and the events were questionable I’m sure they are already investigating this.

     For the mean time, I have two suggestions for you to get through this awful situation you are going through. The first is to speak with the lawyer. It seems that you have done this as you say “they say I could have it then they denied the request”. If the request was denied then I would see if it is possible to submit an appeal to that decision. Again, only your attorney can help you with this. However, I also recommend getting a consult with multiple attorneys and choosing one that you are comfortable with. I would preferably find a lawyer that is familiar with narcissistic abuse and possibly seek the help of someone who is passionate about prosecuting for emotional abuse as well. 
     The first suggestion would be to talk to a lawyer.  The second suggestion I have is to seek support and counseling for your grieving. I would spend some time finding a therapist who specializes in narcissistic and emotional abuse to help you get through this nightmare and also help put things into perspective.  I searched around and seen that many are recommending this book about grief when dealing with the sudden loss of a loved one:

 This community found at seems to be a great place to start to find support and resources.  This site also has the type of loss you are experiencing broken further down into support groups so you can connect and discuss with others who have gone through what you are experiencing.
You are grieving and most likely angry and feel powerless over your situation. I would try to connect with others in support groups geared toward abuse or surviving family members of people that have lost a loved one to abuse. I wish you luck on getting through this. Just remember to stop every once in a while and take care of yourself because this will consume your life as you search for answers and justice.


  Narcissist Problems

November 27, 2016

Call to Action!! Support The War at Home Foundation!

As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, I know that we went back too many times to mention, back into a situation of abuse and the cycle that we knew would inevitably put us back into a homeless situation. We knew that it was just a matter of time until we were once again abused and rendered homeless. That is why we developed the War at Home Foundation, we wanted to give people a stepping stone to freedom. As victims, we leave, we know the cycle and we have become aware of what is happening, but then what? As survivors we are left with PTSD, many times we are unemployed, being bombarded by the abuser still and we cannot see clearly. Our foundation aims to provide that clarity, it aims to bridge the gap between being a victim, becoming a survivor and evolving into a thriver. We can only do this with the help of people who can afford to donate to our cause. There are people throughout the world who are being forced into homelessness, and back into abuse, these are the people we need to help. Our initiatives are as follows:
To support those in domestic violence shelters, we have gained a commitment from a retailer to donate food and clothing to shelters that we have affiliated ourselves with. Our eventual aim is to build safe havens/retreats throughout the world offering shelter to victims and support groups to survivors.
To embark on an intensive awareness campaign through schools from January 2017, we have a commitment to do monthly campaigns from 12 schools, so far next year.
We have developed a "KEEPING YOU SAFE KIT" which is a pack of vital items that someone will need when leaving an abusive situation, it also includes vital pointers on a safe plan for leaving.
We are committed to raising awareness surrounding the court system and the pitfalls that a survivor will face and we are recruiting domestic violence advocates throughout the world who can lend a hand of support to those who are facing court issues and need a supportive hand.
The only way we can fight the scourge of narcissistic abuse is through supporting those who are being forced back and through a consistent campaign of awareness and "red flag" identification.
Please help us give those a voice who are voiceless.
If you donate a minimum of ZAR 150, which is around US$10, you will be moving us forward to reach our objectives around and save lives.
The website has been redesigned to make the donations easier as there was a problem last time we called for donations, nobody could donate, it's very self-explanatory, all you need to do is click on, them click on donate and the rest is easy...... the winner of the 500 US$ will be announced here and on the website on the 1 December 2016. It doesn't matter where you are in the world, we will ensure that you receive the prize.
Please help us to make a difference in the world. Please make a difference in someone's life, IT'S TIME xxx

November 26, 2016

How the Family Narcissist Ruins Holiday Gatherings

3 Ways Narcissists Ruin Special Events 

What You Can Do to Avoid Being in Hell for the Holidays

1. Narcissists will provoke you

The thing about narcissists is that if they do it once they will do it again. You’ve probably been conditioned as the family event organizer since birth and every year the same scenario plays out. You are asked to prepare the holiday dinner and event and you do. There is also the added guilt that takes place when you protest doing all the work alone.

Typically the narcissist will have a giant to-do list and needs “help”. The request for help is more of a demand and you find yourself checking off the items on this list alone. After all, the narcissist is so overwhelmed with all of the other things they need to do.

Spot narcissistic provocation and learn ways to prevent them.

 If you protest the narcissist, they will find some way to make you feel guilty and they will let everyone know about how you ruined the holidays if you quit the role of Santa’s little helper. Draw upon your past experience and create firm boundaries.

You are an adult and you too have responsibilities to take care of. Refuse to do any work on this event if you are doing it alone. Trying to explain your feelings about the situation to the narcissist is pointless.

Create a plan of action and tell the narcissist what they are expected to do and if they don’t do it then it will not get done. Be clear, firm, and stand your ground. Don’t let the narcissist manipulate you into doing their work by sending you on a guilt trip.

Narcissists humiliate you in front of others

Narcissists will pick apart your flaws and then point them out to others. If you have stress induced acne the narcissist will wait until the room is full and then proceed to point out each blemish to the guests.
They simply thought that everyone grew out of acne once they matured out of puberty and here you are in middle age with pimples. You really need to get it together because something is wrong with you!

How to deal with nitpicking and humiliation:

If you are forced to interact with this person then the worst thing you could do is react. When a narcissist is picking apart your flaws what they are really trying to do is elicit a reaction.

 They don’t care if it is good or bad. If you are not giving them positive attention they will be happy to see you cry and get angry. Do not allow them this control over you.

Be as solid as a rock and without any emotional reaction simply state that their behavior is inappropriate and then walk away. Disengage and refuse to be provoked by them. Chances are if they are making you feel uncomfortable they are also making others feel uncomfortable. Be a rock and walk away.

3. Narcissists gossip about you

Something about gossip and badmouthing really keeps most narcissists going. Just like cars need gas narcissists need gossip. They are constantly criticizing others and sharing intimate details or something made up in order to make you look bad. Narcissists use gossip as a means to triangulate people and put wedges in relationships. They want to be the focal point of every relationship.

Narcissists don’t want people talking to each other because they need people to go through them as a means of communication. Narcissists use gossip as a tool to get what they want out of everyone around them and they do this by creating miscommunication among others.

What to do about gossip:

Understand that you can’t control gossip but you can control how you react to it and who you allow in your life. Narcissists recruit others to gain information about you so take stock of the relationships you have with anyone that has to do with your narcissist.

If you see someone in your life that you confide in with the narcissist and they are alone and whispering. Chances are the narcissist is getting or giving the dirt on their target. If there isn’t any dirt to get then they will just make it up.

Sever ties with narcissists and their flying monkeys. There is no winning this game and chances are that gossip will later be used to destroy your life. If you are struggling with going No Contact with an abusive family member you can find very useful information at the Sanctuary for the abused blog.

There are a few sources that share great information and resources for those suffering from the narcissistic family member. The Narcissist’s Child is a blog geared toward daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and has a list of other resources such as relevant websites, blogs, and books.

Helpful Awareness pages or blogs include:

The Naked Narcissist  and The War At Home which has recently started a nonprofit foundation to highlight Narcissistic Abuse and become a source of help to victims of narcissistic abusers.

Be on the look out for more Narcissist Problems Advice and Solutions

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November 20, 2016

Dear Narcissist Problems, "The Black Sheep"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

     The steps I have read to move on from how my mother raised me have been helpful until I get to the point where I have to sit down and allow myself to feel all the hurt she caused. Even though I can admit it verbally, I am having trouble letting these feelings flow. How can I get past this?


“The Black Sheep”

Dear “Black Sheep”,

           I feel your pain. When you figure out how to let the feelings flow from your experience of being raised by a narcissistic mother please let me know! I have not seen or spoken with my own narcissistic mother in 4 years. I was literally just thinking about how she always ruined holiday’s right before I opened this. One of the last holidays I had spent with her was just too much. It’s like we try our best to be good enough and it will just never happen. Growing up we had always spent Thanksgiving at my Grandmothers. I was very close to my Grandma.  We had a relationship that I question now but I’ll leave
that whole debate for another day.

          The last Thanksgiving before going no contact with my entire family was spent alone cooking dinner for 16 people and nobody ever showed up. Nobody. Earlier that morning I was told that my Grandmother was too sick to see people and that was understandable because she was dying of cancer. I was told it was too risky with everyone carrying germs and viruses. My Mother and Sister told me they were planning on having the whole family over at my mom’s house instead.

     They made a menu and we started getting all the ingredients ready. Let me add that my mother and sister were always VERY disorganized so I already knew that if I didn’t do Thanksgiving dinner then it wouldn’t get done. On with the nightmare, about 15 minutes into this preparation mom and sister decide they are going to stop by my grandmothers because “It’s Thanksgiving”. I felt a little put off because I too wanted to see my grandmother and when I asked if I could come along I was told “we are only going for a quick visit we don’t want to overwhelm her with too many people”.

           I stayed there and cooked. I called my grandmothers after 3 hours to see if they were still there and not only did my mother answer I heard the whole family in the background. I said that I was going to pack everything up and bring it over. Narcissistic mother cut me off, “oh no, we are all on our way to the house just stay there”. Long story short, at eight o’clock p.m. I was still sitting in that house alone with a table full of Thanksgiving Dinner for 16 people. I won’t even go into what happened that Christmas and trust me I’m not trying to one up you here.

I can’t answer your question because I don’t know the answer. I really wish that I did. I’m sure you can relate but it’s almost like becoming numb to the pain. I think it’s like a real physical wound. You can cover it with gauze and treat the wound but you don’t want to over expose it. I’m just going to be honest here, I’m F&#ked up. I try to be normal and I finally accepted that I am probably beyond normalcy at this point. I can’t relate to people. I try to relate to people but I usually end up getting used.

Our concept of love or friendship is bent. If you are like me you probably struggle with people in general too. It’s like a sin to be open and honest. After growing up with a narcissistic mother all I want is to share my life with people in an open and honest way. Not to mention the paranoia and trust issues. As for feelings about my mother I usually cut them off at the pass. Somewhere early in childhood we learn that if we expect anything from our mothers then we will get hurt so we shut them off. We realize she will never be proud of us. She will never be like the other mothers and we save ourselves the embarrassment of being publicly rejected by our mothers.

I can remember going through a period of doing all of these things just so she would show up. I joined clubs, sports, and I worked from the age of 14. In that time I hoped that she would come see a game or just be there. It was like a slow death realizing I was the only one there without ANY family. It was so humiliating in a way that I can’t even put my finger on. The ultimate form of rejection. This childhood bothers me less and less over the years. For the most part, when I think of her I try to refocus my attention on something else.

I know that these little things might seem to someone who came from a normal family as possibly not a big deal but you too grew up with a narcissistic mother so I don’t need to explain all the details of dealing with a mom like ours. I really do not have an answer but I do know that it is impossible to get through ANY feelings while remaining in contact. I know I’m going to hear about this from a grandmother “but I’m sure your mother was working real hard so she couldn’t come support you” or “I’m sure you took the last Thanksgiving too hard”. No, my mother never worked.

She didn’t come see me because she couldn’t smoke at school events. As for the last Thanksgiving, I’m positive the entire debacle was planned and I was excluded on purpose. I only wish these were the worst things that happened growing up. There is a level of intrusion and rejection that I think will always haunt us. Sometimes things are so traumatic that I think it’s impossible for the human mind to process. The only thing I do suggest is building your own life and when you find people who truly love and respect you then hold on to those people for dear life because there won’t be many. For me I just broke down and rebuilt my life without her. The pain she caused became too much to justify.

           Further, if you have your own children it really helps to put things into perspective. We want the best for our children. When we consider the things our mothers could do to our children that are harmful then we finally can grasp that those things were never ok for us either. We want to protect our children from harm but we expose ourselves to harm by going back for more every single time. Wow, I know this is long and I’m sorry but I only have two words, “Narcissistic Mothers”. If you want to process what you have been through and what you’ve witnessed just start to write about it! Good luck to you and please if you find an answer you know how to get a hold of me!


Narcissist Problems

#Narcissisticmother #narcissisticpersonalitydisorder

November 6, 2016

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Choke"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Please leave my name anonymous.  I filed for divorce in October from my Narc husband. After 18 months of verbal, physical, psychological, emotional abuse and manipulation (which my own 8yo son witnessed and experienced personally) I left the home we shared.  In June after a particular argument in which I threw a bottle that hit the wall behind him and he pinned me by the throat to the wall while I was holding our 9 month old child. I left that day. He has been constant Jekyll and Hyde and I’m just starting to come to terms with the senselessness and hurt and beginning to function alongside that pain. I don’t want to divorce. Though I know it’s the logical choice and healthiest for myself and the kids.

On Sunday he was throwing a fit and said 'Hate does not even describe what I have for you maybe its best I don't come back so I don't f***ing kill you though I believe they are juvenile words thrown to incite a reaction, I also am unsure sometimes during his rage episodes. Since he said the kill comments he has been very cordial. I was advised to file a restraining order and now that I have I feel immense anxiety and regret. When he does get served, it’s going to really make him mad and it’s honestly a pointless thing to have done on my part. We live 4hrs and two states apart and he never comes in so asking for a restraining order for someone that’s not around feels petty and will cause both of us unnecessary court dates and add more problems to this pending divorce.

He recently began to send me $ again -since I haven’t worked since June '15. And the car he lets me use is his- he just renewed tags that have been expired for the past 3mos. He is "giving" me the car to use and "allowance". I can’t work a true job because I homeschool my 8yo (instead of public schools in our neighborhood) and my other is 1 year old.  I feel like he’s in control of everything but I have to feed my kids. I don’t know how to handle things anymore. He turned off my phone in sept because I messaged his gf he’s had since before I even moved out. The cheating, lies, abuse, gas lighting, and manipulation... the whole "relationship" from the beginning for him was this extravagant game.

I just don’t know how to handle this in a way that will help my mental health and the future of mine and my children’s lives. I want my children to have their father but I’m terrified what kind of ways he will shape them and just everything. He has left me terrified of people, of trusting, and hope in anyone. He has broken my soul and I’m not able to even trust myself, so how can I possibly even know how to choose what to do?



Dear “Choked”,

            I’m really sorry to hear about your whole nightmare.  Other than forgiving ourselves, trusting ourselves again after being in an abusive relationship is one of the hardest things a human will ever have to do.  You will probably feel guilty for a long time for things your children witnessed too.  However, you should be very proud of yourself that you left as quickly as you did because by doing so you have prevented any further traumas that would have occurred had you stayed.  Everything that you have described here in regards to your reactions to the situation is spot on normal. 

            I don’t think anyone ever wants a divorce and especially not during such a vulnerable time raising children.  The scariest thing in leaving is the instability that being on your own with two children brings.  Many people stay in abusive relationships for this reason alone.  I’m not going to lie to you and say that it’s going to be easy because it probably won’t be.  I would recommend finding any sources of support that you can either in your own family or circle of friends.

 The reality of the situation is that you are going to need a source of income.  I would start by seeking out any assistance you can by contacting your local domestic violence shelters.  These centers will work with you to get you back on your feet and offer a source of emotional support in the form of therapy.  The will also point you in the right direction to seek any financial assistance and health insurance.  Eventually you will be able to make a schedule for work and your family obligations. The important thing for you to do is to take one day at a time and know that you will make it through this you will thank yourself for leaving.

            As far as his current behavior and your thoughts on the restraining order go it would be best to proceed with the order.  I know your feeling conflicted about the whole situation but the reality is that he is an abuser and he will never stop abusing YOU.  He is giving you an “allowance” to maintain control over your finances so he can later manipulate you.  He is letting you use the car so that you will feel guilty later for sticking to the separation when he has “done nothing but try to take care of you”.  He will not change and you did the right thing. 

When he realizes that giving you an “allowance” and a car is not allowing him to slither back into your life he will use those things to further hurt you.  I would make sure that if the car is in his name and he is “allowing” you to use it that you get this in writing should he decide to punish you by reporting it as stolen.  This will come up in court when you get your restraining order in regards to the mutual ownership of any property.  Look for ways to make money so you do not become reliant upon his generous “allowance”.  Set up your life so that when he decides to stop the “allowance” then you will not be left without food, milk, electricity, or a home. 

It’s going to be a struggle and you and the children will be hurting for a while but keep in mind kids are incredibly resilient.  They will get past this and heal.  You need to decide that their healing and yours is more important than financial stability or further exposure to abuse.  Keep in mind that when you were being choked that was just a warning and this person is capable of killing you or one of your children just to hurt you.  Join support groups, seek out all the assistance you need, and make sure you get that restraining order because you’re going to need it.  Good Luck on your healing journey!


Narcissist Problems

October 15, 2016

Dear Narcissist Problems, "The Finger Pointer"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Funny how the posts on this site come from people who think that narcissists are abnormal, and that they're normal?


“The Finger Pointer”

Dear “Finger Pointer”,

            It was not my intention to give you the impression that I was normal simply by addressing Narcissistic Abuse and the tactics used by narcissistic abusers.  I’m glad you are so observant!  You are correct, I’m probably not normal anymore.  In fact, I lost my mind some time ago.   Thank you for pointing this out.  To clear things up for you in the past decade I’ve grown increasingly paranoid and at one point I was too scared to leave my own home.  I would sit in my house and jump up to take a look-see out the window whenever I heard a car door shut or people talking outside.  When I meet people who are really nice I evaluate them in my mind wondering what they are plotting.  I also keep my eyes peeled for any signs of gas lighting to the point that if I’m around someone I don’t trust I’ll set booby traps on my personal belongings so that I know if something has been moved!  I keep record of conversations in case I’m ever forced to remember some insignificant detail that should ever be questioned at a later date.  I also check to make sure all my windows are locked at least twice before I leave my home!  I lay in bed some nights unable to sleep as I ruminate every conversation I’ve had in my life trying to pin point what exactly is wrong with me.  I spend countless hours reading about emotional abuse and how to heal from it.  Moreover, I stopped using cell phones because ANY ring tone triggers anxiety and a general feeling of impending doom.  Most mornings, actually, I wake up with that feeling that the worst thing in the world will happen to me today.  After I get out of bed I tell myself that it will be a great day around 100 times while getting ready to leave the house.  If I see a strange car I write down the license plate.  I have nightmares every night.  Sometimes I drive in circles making random turns just to be sure I’m not being followed.  When I go to stores I might have a panic attack and spend 45 minutes in the bathroom convincing myself I can make it through the store, out to the parking lot, into my car, and then back home without anything bad happening to me.   Hmmmmmmm, I’m sure I missed some things but that’s just a run down.  I have flaws.  I have many flaws!!  So sorry I gave everyone the impression that I’m normal!  However, whether I am normal or abnormal it does not change the fact that Narcissists are abnormal.  “A” does not change the reality of “B” here, unfortunately.  I did not mean to give the impression that because narcissists are abnormal that makes me normal, I apologize for the confusion.


Narcissist Problems

May 29, 2016

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Dating Corporal Shithead"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Curious if one who is diagnosed in past as passive/aggressive disorder now classified as personally disorder also may exhibit narcissistic tendencies? I have been dating a man/former Marine not involved in front line tactics. But in administrative position. Nothing against them as my Dad was also a Marine Vet, but they receive/conditioned with a very superior almost arrogant mentality. A lot of times when we have a disagreement he twists the situation /my words around blatantly like a pretzel and when I call him on it to defend what I said/meant he dismisses my explanation/feelings. Such as, "You always want to start an argument and bitch!" Most of the time it happens when we have been drinking. He doesn't drink/ smoke every day, but when he does it is binge drinking. When he is sober he needles me and is quick to point out what he considers are flaws. We don't live together, but have different routines. He goes to bed and rises early. If I stay over and happen to sleep until 8/8:30 he sometimes acts like I slept the day away. I tell him just because we have different routines doesn't mean I am not also productive. I have told him before l don't need a dad. And when I feel like he is "lining” me out that the code is my reply is, "Alright Gunny!" A figure of speech about a Marine drill sergeant. I also have said just because we do things differently doesn't mean one way is right and the other is wrong. We both have been divorced for quite a while and thus being independent for so long and each having our own routines/ways doesn't make it easy. But I feel that's when compromise comes into play. Sometimes he agrees and other times he just walks away and does other things. We go for a month or two and have a disagreement or I say something he doesn't like I get the silent treatment for a few days to a week.


“Dating Corporal Shithead”

Dear “Dating Corporal Shithead”,

I wonder if the better question would actually be can someone with narcissistic personality disorder have been accidentally diagnosed as passive aggressive.  We are referring to people who use gas lighting as a form of manipulation of our realities.  So it isn’t too much of a stretch to notice a lot of narcissists are also passive aggressive.  I’m assuming because of the plausible deniability of passive aggression.  It’s easy for passive aggressive to be left open to assumption.  It’s also easy for a narcissist to say “You are misinterpreting what I did or said because I didn’t mean it that way”, even when they know full well they meant it that way!  The silent treatment is actually one of the number one tactics a narcissist will use to put you in your place.  To show their disapproval of your behavior they will literally just ignore you or the topic until you submit to whatever their requested behavior or ideas were. 

In the fall of 2013, there was an article written about the passive aggressive conflict cycle written by Signe Whitson where she states “Persons who are passively aggressive can provoke angry responses in another while not overtly appearing to be aggressive themselves.”(Whitson 2013).  This is very important to understand as Narcissists are notorious crazy makers.  Signe then went on to identify the five stages of passive aggressive conflict while emphasizing the only way to avoid a conflict is to understand the passive aggressive conflict cycle.  The five stages are as follows; Stage 1: The Self-Concept & Irrational Beliefs of the Passive Aggressive Person which explains that a passive aggressive person has been raised to avoid displaying anger because doing so is dangerous.  I’m not going to go into too much detail on Stage one because from my perspective it is irrelevant because most people would refuse to put in the work to change their behavior in the first place.  In other words, it’s pointless to explore why he would feel that expressing anger is dangerous. 

Stage two is The Stressful Event where the passive aggressive becomes the victim because they are asked to do something.  This can be seen when he stated that "You always want to start an argument and bitch!”  He feels as though you are picking on him for bringing up valid points of his bad behavior or expressing things in the relationship that displeases you. 

Stage 3, and here comes a very relevant fact; The Passive Aggressive Person’s Feelings “The passive aggressive person has learned over the years to defend against his angry feelings by denying them and projecting them onto others.”(Whitson 2013).  I found stage three pretty interesting since Narcissists are also Notorious for projecting all their negative feelings and behaviors onto their victims.

 Now here is where you might want to take notes, Stage 4: The passive aggressive Person’s Behavior.  Here it is stated that “The behavior of most passive aggressive individuals is both purposeful and intentional.  What is more, the passive aggressive person derives genuine pleasure out of frustrating others to get someone else to act out his or her anger.  So essentially Corporal shithead is pushing your buttons on purpose with the sole purpose of watching you explode in anger or rage.  They do this by, “Denying feelings of anger, withdrawing and sulking (silent treatment), procrastinating, carrying out tasks inefficiently or unacceptably, and exacting hidden revenge.”(Whitson 2013). 

Finally, we come to Stage 5: The Reactions of Others.  In this stage the passive aggressive waits for the expected reaction and then claims victimhood of your anger or frustration.  It is important to see this behavior and be able to identify it so the next time your buttons start to be pushed when he is constantly keeping track of your daily schedule you are aware that he is seeking your negative reaction. 

Honestly, after reading this article it seems that passive aggressive behavior might actually go hand in hand with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Obviously I’m not a doctor but it’s all right there in black and white.  I hope this helps to answer some questions for you.  As to your situation I have my own question to ask; “How long do you want to be treated this way and deal with the drama?”  Good luck on your healing journey!


Narcissist Problems


Whitson, S. (2013). The Passive Aggressive Conflict Cycle. Reclaiming Children & Youth, 22(3), 24-27.

Dear Narcissist Problems: "Enlightened"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

I work with the local domestic violence advocacy group to help my children and I deal with their father and my ex. Our counsellors have expressed that in the addition to his abuse he displays behavior characterized by narcissistic personally disorder. Of course, they cannot make an official diagnosis without him as their client, but from books I have read to help cope there may as well be a picture of him. I stumbled across this sight yesterday and I can't believe how your posts and statements hit the nail on the head. It's a struggle to deal with this and seeing your posts brings some relief knowing I'm not losing my mind and there are people out there like this. I just wish law enforcement and child protection groups could be more educated in recognizing this type of behavior. The narcissistic is adept at putting on the act and getting away with crime. Thank you.



Dear “Enlightened”,

            I would like to say Kudos to your local Domestic Violence Advocacy group because they even considered that you could be being abused by a narcissist!  Give those women and men a medal!  As you have probably realized by now you are one of the very few people who found their way without doing that infamous google search looking for answers.  This is exactly why I do what I do here because not many people do know or have heard of Narcissistic Abuse.  This traps victims in situations of abuse for YEARS because they start to believe the problem really is them after years of the narcissist eroding their self-esteem and perception of reality.  Sana Loue, J.D., Ph.D., M.P.H., wrote an article on the legal implications of emotional and psychological abuse which stated; “Emotional abuse, a label often used synonymously with the terms emotional maltreatment, psychological battering, psychological abuse, and soul murder, has been called “the most elusive and damaging of all types of maltreatment for a child” and represents “the core issue and most destructive factor across all types of child abuse and neglect” (Loue 2005).  Here we have one of the most destructive forms of abuse and there is little recognition of it in the healthcare field or legal systems.  The article further illustrates that “The very elusiveness, however, of the identification of emotional and psychological abuse casts doubt on the accuracy of available data relating to its occurrence, and it is likely that the incidence and prevalence of such abuse are subject to significant underreporting”(Loue 2005).  So not only is this type of abuse very difficult to identify victims are also not reporting it.  The ones who have reported it are left feeling disbelieved, discouraged, and shattered.  This is how and why many of us in this community have reached out into the public to share our stories and offer support to others living through hell.

 I know you didn’t really ask a question but you said something that I would really like to highlight “seeing your posts brings some relief knowing I'm not losing my mind and there are people out there like this. I just wish law enforcement and child protection groups could be more educated in recognizing this type of behavior.” (Enlightened 2016).  Dealing with a narcissist we know they will destroy our lives and the way in which they do it leaves us looking insane, unstable, irrational, and the list goes on.  While we try to maintain any resemblance of being the normal rational human beings we are once a narcissist gets their hands on someone who has control over your life such as a lawyer, police officer, or judge it usually means game over for us.  Some of us have watched our therapists be manipulated against us through couples counseling and then that same therapist will be utilized for court.  Some narcissists will call child protective services on us and then play the role of caring adult in our children’s lives to manipulate the state against us resulting in the loss of our children. It was seen that “definitional issues further compound the difficulties associated with the identification, documentation, prosecution, and prevention of emotional and psychological abuse” (Loue 2005).  It’s no wonder that nothing is being done in the legal field to prosecute abusers and protect victims as we can’t expect laws to be written when there is no clear definition on what it means to have your soul murdered.

 What is my point here?  It is essential that when you find out what narcissistic abuse is and that you have been abused you need to spread awareness of this type of abuse.  More than that, as many of us do, go out of our ways to support each other when we see a victim getting abused further by people in positions of power or authority because they don’t fully understand or recognize what emotional or psychological abuse looks like.  You will see many survivors going to court to show support, campaigning for funds for court cases, starting petitions, or simply blogging to get the word out.  It’s imperative that we take on this responsibility, when ready, so that narcissists do not get away with their crimes.  You do not need a special degree or a certification to become an advocate for victims of Narcissistic Abuse.  All that you need is your voice, your story, and your passion.  The more who get involved with this effort the sooner we will see legislation and policies being passed that not only recognize this type of abuse but also the prosecution of the abusers.  The way to do this is to just get out there and get involved by finding and joining others with a similar cause which is typically experience specific.  Good luck to you on your healing journey!


Narcissist Problems


Loue, S. (2005). Redefining the emotional and psychological abuse and maltreatment of children: legal implications. Journal Of Legal Medicine, 26(3), 311-337 27p.

May 7, 2016

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Parental Concerns"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Hey I'm really struggling with my narc at the moment.  He walked away from our child for 2 years for a woman and when it suited him ( because they had broken up ) he wanted my son in his life again I struggled for months with this I know what he's capable of he has emotionally traumatized my wee boy. The only reason I let him is because I used to have a serious drinking problem but am 3 years sober now and I could see how I was guilty of a lot myself like: played games, I provoked him purposely, I would always go back to him not that that excused his behavior.  He was cold, nasty, and unhuman towards me and my children but I can see my part.  Since getting sober I have learned to be healthy and have boundaries and good people around me and I have my faith so I thought since I had changed maybe he could too.  This went against everything I knew about narcs but 2 years and my son was still crying every night for dad so I let him back but with very strict boundaries and the last several months he has been good. He still tries to play games and snarky comments and mind games and the flirting despite him having a new gf but I shut it down n don't play into it.  This weekend after having 2 sick kids all week he had my son stay and started playing games with refusing to go get him medicine or letting me bring any over...eventually he did but he wound me up for a hour thinking my son was going to go without while he was sick and he loved that he got a reaction. I had sensed it was driving him nuts not being able to get a reaction for so long when I used to be so predictable so I think he knew how exhausted I was and jumped on his chance. Nobody I talk to understands why this has upset me so much but it's because I can see he's still exactly the same cold narcissist he's always been. Using my child's wellbeing to get a reaction from me it brought up all the stuff he's done to us in past. I try to not judge him on the past but it's hard. Everyone I've spoken to keeps saying no matter what he's still his father he has a right to have overnight access but after that I don't want to send him I wouldn't stop it completely that would mess with my boy but I don't want him there overnight by himself.  It reminded me I don't trust him with our child despite a few months of ok behavior I know who he is.  I desperately need advice on what I should do? There's no custody agreement as he walked away for so long so balls in my court. I want my son to have a dad but I'm scared of the damage it's doing by me giving him chance after chance. I get what others are saying that he needs to learn to be a dad and be patient but do narcs actually love their kids? Am I doing serious damage letting this man in his life?


“Parental Concerns”

Dear “Concerned”,

            I’m really glad you threw in that last part about there not being a custody agreement because that was my first question.  Nobody wants to be a parental alienator.  Further, you have no control over his decision to abandon your child’s life.  You have no control over this man’s manipulative behavior either.  I would immediately stop any unsupervised visits until there is a court order in place.  I would also urge against overnight visits at all.  This man has been absent from your child’s life for years.  While yes he needs to “learn how to parent” it is not your job to teach him or your child’s duty to be a guinea pig.  Your past mistakes are mute at this point.  You have taken the steps to make your life right and are working on yourself to become a better person and to have a positive role in your life.  Stop the visits and site the withholding of medication as a sole reason.  If you did something like this the government would have your ass in court for medical neglect in a heartbeat, especially if something bad happened to the child as a result of the medicine being withheld.  Here is the thing, we are not psychic…or doctors.  We are mothers who are put into place to look after the best interest of our children.  You could not know if the withholding of medicine would seriously harm your child.  At this point, every encounter this man has with your child is evidence for a judge that he has a relationship with said child.  It’s not that you are trying to prevent this man from being a father.  What you need to do is get a court order in place that will allow this transition to take place safely.  Your goal is to have your child build a healthy and stable relationship with his father.  However, manipulating you so early on is a huge red flag that you need to ignore all of the advice you are receiving and head straight into a court.  Good Luck to you and stand firm!  No more unsupervised visits until this man proves he is capable of having them.  It’s one thing to ask for supervised visits for a father who has always been there for his child.  It’s quite another to give unsupervised visits to a known abuser who abandon the child for years.  Stand strong and call the police if you need to.  I would have called the police the minute he started playing games with the child’s health.


Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Im a Survivor"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

I'd like to suggest posting how it feels when you stay strong, positive and keep moving forward, and take action... It's so indescribable no tension no worry pure happiness and pride and amazement of oneself and its feels amazing I could go on and on but I am finally free of control and can't wait to drive my life.


“I’m a Survivor”

Dear “Survivor”,

     I totally agree!  We do focus a lot on the negative around here and I love your suggestion!  I’ve actually been reflecting a lot lately on how much has changed in my life since going No Contact with my narcissist and anyone who enabled that person.  At first, it feels miserable!!!  In my own situation I went no contact with my mother and then many family members as a result.  I ruminated about how I could go on without these key people in my life.  Who am I without them?  Can I survive without them?  But the most important question I’ve ever had to ask myself and reflect on for a very VERY long time would be “Am I doing the right thing for my own children?”  I spent so long wondering where things had gone wrong and what I could do to fix them that I finally reached a point of realization that these people were slowly killing me.  I had been gutted.  I spent time reflecting on my childhood and how I always felt a sense of connection to my family.  What I did not take into account is that most of that connectedness was in the form of chaos and drama.  That connectedness was a form of connectedness was slowly tearing me apart one humiliation, degradation, and lie at a time.  We truly can’t tear ourselves apart in order to keep others whole and nor should we be expected to.  Especially from family.  After deciding, no family is better than family who actively tries to destroy you from the inside out!  I thought about my children growing up lonely and without those connections but I have made peace in that I know with all of my heart that I had to break this generational pattern of dysfunction.  While I struggle to make holiday traditions or anything else I never learned how to do growing up, I think I’m doing a great job as a mother. 

What happens once you leave a narcissist?

            The first thing that will happen is that your levels of anxiety will slowly wane.  You will probably spend a few months or years afraid to leave your home.  But! Once that anxiety passes you will be filled with a sense of ambition and excitement for life!  Yes you!! The one sitting there in the same clothes without showering for three days because you are depressed or afraid to be caught vulnerable naked in the shower by a random narc attack.  This fear will pass and you will be motivated to finally break out of that image the narcissist created for you and live your life!!


You analyze yourself.  You read books, you join support groups, and you get into therapy.  You think you know who you are but you have spent so many years being told who you are that at this point you really need to find out the truth.  Being with a narcissist in any relationship will wear you down to your core.  You will leave that relationship feeling like an utter failure. A loser, a whore, a liar, a cheat, a drug addict, a horrible parent, a basket case, a control freak, and even possibly an abuser.  You are no good and dirty!  You are a shame and you are guilty of it!  Who knows what it is, but you did it or do it! 

Now is the time to discover the truth and what you find will amaze you!!!   You find out that you are do not have every negative trait known to mankind all in one body.  You are compassionate and caring!  You are creative and intelligent!  Most importantly, YOU are capable of achieving anything you set your heart and mind to.


You do everything you have set your heart and mind to.  You take the steps necessary to building a better life.  A beautiful life.  You take the steps to finally build the life you deserve!  You are finally ready to be you and to be the best you YOU can be!  Unapologetically you.  You start writing and encouraging others who are where you were last year.  You take classes.  You finish that college degree.  You create art.  You redecorate.  You apply for your dream job and you get it!  BECAUSE YOU ARE CAPABLE AND YOU DESERVE IT!!!


You stop to feel grateful that you had the courage to leave.


Just like with abuse you realize there are setbacks in your healing and recovery as well.  There are highs and there will be lows.  These lows come in the form of self-doubt, grief, failing to build proper boundaries in new relationships, paranoia, or a random trigger like a police siren.  This is when you know you have the strength and courage to continue on.  You force yourself out of these negative feelings and the cycle of healing begins again.  You read, you share, and you continue setting goals and smashing them.  There has been a fire lit in your soul and never again in your life will you allow anyone to squelch it.


Narcissist Problems