Dear Narcissist Problems, "Choke"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Please leave my name anonymous.  I filed for divorce in October from my Narc husband. After 18 months of verbal, physical, psychological, emotional abuse and manipulation (which my own 8yo son witnessed and experienced personally) I left the home we shared.  In June after a particular argument in which I threw a bottle that hit the wall behind him and he pinned me by the throat to the wall while I was holding our 9 month old child. I left that day. He has been constant Jekyll and Hyde and I’m just starting to come to terms with the senselessness and hurt and beginning to function alongside that pain. I don’t want to divorce. Though I know it’s the logical choice and healthiest for myself and the kids.

On Sunday he was throwing a fit and said 'Hate does not even describe what I have for you maybe its best I don't come back so I don't f***ing kill you though I believe they are juvenile words thrown to incite a reaction, I also am unsure sometimes during his rage episodes. Since he said the kill comments he has been very cordial. I was advised to file a restraining order and now that I have I feel immense anxiety and regret. When he does get served, it’s going to really make him mad and it’s honestly a pointless thing to have done on my part. We live 4hrs and two states apart and he never comes in so asking for a restraining order for someone that’s not around feels petty and will cause both of us unnecessary court dates and add more problems to this pending divorce.

He recently began to send me $ again -since I haven’t worked since June '15. And the car he lets me use is his- he just renewed tags that have been expired for the past 3mos. He is "giving" me the car to use and "allowance". I can’t work a true job because I homeschool my 8yo (instead of public schools in our neighborhood) and my other is 1 year old.  I feel like he’s in control of everything but I have to feed my kids. I don’t know how to handle things anymore. He turned off my phone in sept because I messaged his gf he’s had since before I even moved out. The cheating, lies, abuse, gas lighting, and manipulation... the whole "relationship" from the beginning for him was this extravagant game.

I just don’t know how to handle this in a way that will help my mental health and the future of mine and my children’s lives. I want my children to have their father but I’m terrified what kind of ways he will shape them and just everything. He has left me terrified of people, of trusting, and hope in anyone. He has broken my soul and I’m not able to even trust myself, so how can I possibly even know how to choose what to do?

Sincerely,

“Choked”

Dear “Choked”,

            I’m really sorry to hear about your whole nightmare.  Other than forgiving ourselves, trusting ourselves again after being in an abusive relationship is one of the hardest things a human will ever have to do.  You will probably feel guilty for a long time for things your children witnessed too.  However, you should be very proud of yourself that you left as quickly as you did because by doing so you have prevented any further traumas that would have occurred had you stayed.  Everything that you have described here in regards to your reactions to the situation is spot on normal. 

            I don’t think anyone ever wants a divorce and especially not during such a vulnerable time raising children.  The scariest thing in leaving is the instability that being on your own with two children brings.  Many people stay in abusive relationships for this reason alone.  I’m not going to lie to you and say that it’s going to be easy because it probably won’t be.  I would recommend finding any sources of support that you can either in your own family or circle of friends.

 The reality of the situation is that you are going to need a source of income.  I would start by seeking out any assistance you can by contacting your local domestic violence shelters.  These centers will work with you to get you back on your feet and offer a source of emotional support in the form of therapy.  The will also point you in the right direction to seek any financial assistance and health insurance.  Eventually you will be able to make a schedule for work and your family obligations. The important thing for you to do is to take one day at a time and know that you will make it through this you will thank yourself for leaving.

            As far as his current behavior and your thoughts on the restraining order go it would be best to proceed with the order.  I know your feeling conflicted about the whole situation but the reality is that he is an abuser and he will never stop abusing YOU.  He is giving you an “allowance” to maintain control over your finances so he can later manipulate you.  He is letting you use the car so that you will feel guilty later for sticking to the separation when he has “done nothing but try to take care of you”.  He will not change and you did the right thing. 

When he realizes that giving you an “allowance” and a car is not allowing him to slither back into your life he will use those things to further hurt you.  I would make sure that if the car is in his name and he is “allowing” you to use it that you get this in writing should he decide to punish you by reporting it as stolen.  This will come up in court when you get your restraining order in regards to the mutual ownership of any property.  Look for ways to make money so you do not become reliant upon his generous “allowance”.  Set up your life so that when he decides to stop the “allowance” then you will not be left without food, milk, electricity, or a home. 

It’s going to be a struggle and you and the children will be hurting for a while but keep in mind kids are incredibly resilient.  They will get past this and heal.  You need to decide that their healing and yours is more important than financial stability or further exposure to abuse.  Keep in mind that when you were being choked that was just a warning and this person is capable of killing you or one of your children just to hurt you.  Join support groups, seek out all the assistance you need, and make sure you get that restraining order because you’re going to need it.  Good Luck on your healing journey!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems