Showing posts with label control. Show all posts
Showing posts with label control. Show all posts

July 7, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems "Monster-In-Law"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

      I am in a situation that is not good, to say the least. I will give as little background as possible. I've been married to my husband for 20 years. I used to really like and respect his parents.  Over time, I saw little glimpses of passive aggression on his mother’s part. I normally noticed the passive aggressive behavior when we would visit his parents over a weekend. My husband always got along great with his family. From time to time he would comment about his mother’s favoritism toward certain others. When our first child was 2-3 years old I began to see a competition that she was attempting to build between me and my child and also between her first grandchild and her son. They are 6 months apart in age. When I noticed the favoritism and resulting rivalry I grew frustrated. I asked her to stop, Naive me.  I mentioned the favoritism was bound to be hurtful as the kids grew older and more aware. She then came down harder! I then told her we would stop coming to her home if she didn't stop. I then let her know that she would be more than welcome to come to our home to visit but we wouldn't tolerate any mind games. The rules in our home are kindness and encouragement. Since then I have been enemy number one with this woman. Well, it was ok as time went by due to low contact. I am usually chasing our kids around as we had two more children. We visited them. We helped them out. Never seen or heard about their other kids or grandkids doing anything to help.

By the way, 16 months ago, my husband was injured. We had relocated about 8 months prior because of my husband’s new job. I stayed at home for ten years and also homeschooled. So, my husband tells me we are going back north, we will stay with them no more than 2 months!! The crap started on day 3. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. Over 6 months, I was harassed. I was bullied. Mostly passive aggressively and a lot of it was done loudly over the phone while she was speaking to two of her daughters. They'd visit and talk about us!! My father in law and husband stood up to her which made things worse. I was the target of a smear campaign. The kids were used and abused. Hurt!! Shattered their beliefs. She doted on our 2 year old though. Her 3 daughters pulled a surprise “intervention” where I was attacked verbally. I got blamed for everything because I had finally defended myself and my children. They promised to "communicate" more and we still have not spoken- 10 months later. Our lives (No one’s business!!!) were discussed like it's their business. In the end. No one apologized to me. To us. Nothing was validated. I just had to suck it up, cuz this is just the way it is!

Well, it got a little “better" –manageable, for 8 months. She'd act differently, around others. Some passive aggressive behaviors off and on.  Suddenly, a week before mother’s day and 2 weeks before my birthday, she just yelled “I’m not doing this phony shit anymore." I decided I was not going near her again. I am officially done! One day my father in law had an appointment an hour away. He is 83 years old and needs company and some assistance. Our older girls needed one of us home for the bus. So, since I refuse to be alone in the house with her (as she's a dangerous, lying, manipulative sort. I put nothing past her!) I was going to go to the appointment with my 3 year old. Well, when my 3 year old told her (after being questioned about details) daddy wasn't going... She lost it!! Stomped over to her husband and started ranting. Calling me a bitch! I went up, got my child. Told her she was “such a loving grandma”. We didn't go. Any of us. She started the rant to upset pops. He was so mad at her. Riled up. She manipulated my children's dental appointment, so they couldn't go. She ruined our Mother's Day plans. (Too much detail to go into) I just stay away.

She realized she couldn't get to me. So, now she's using my children. Attacking my 10 year old by accusing my daughter of giving her “dirty looks" when we were outside earlier that day. Truth was... Narc had stood in the window. I saw her. I ignored her. My oldest looked up, and said, “Mom, she's looking at us so meanly. It's creepy" I told her, “don’t look". We kept blowing bubbles and then I took the girls for a walk. So, my 10 year old told her she was not giving her dirty looks. Narc started yelling, “Well your mothers a god damn liar! Go look at her Facebook!" My daughter asked her why she'd be snooping around my Facebook anyway. That irked her even more. She started yelling. I told my husband something was wrong. He went up, and I heard my girl yell “stop!", and then I heard her crying! Grandma said she was going to call the police and (lie, obviously) say I “put my hands on her". Whatever that means... I don't know. It's disturbing and more so because she threatened it to my daughter then to my husband.

Next day, we crossed paths. She put my 3 year old on the phone with her mini me narc/sociopath daughter, when I was calling her to come. This is the daughter that fuels the fire. She also stalks me on fb through false identities. She saw my cover photo was about narcissism and had been reporting to mom, they began to “assume" these quotes were about them. Go figure! So, I went over and got my girl. Took the phone away from my daughter and went to hand it to the narc. She said there and pointed at “her chair"(her thrown, situated to see everything in the house) and I can't even explain the evil I saw on her face. I just dropped the phone in the chair next to her. She exploded!! Calling me a bitch. A dumb Pollock. A fat ass! Said she'd “fix me! Write an fb post all about me and my mother. (Whom she doesn't know or anything about, it's just that the two narcs thought I was “writing about them" by posting narc quotes! Sooooo crazy and twisted. In their minds, I'm exposing them though. I've never written a word. Not a name, nothing! She did all this while I was holding the baby and the other two heard it!! My husband and father in law jumped in, defending me.

 Next day, my husband allowed my 3 year old near her. He thought his dad was up. I came out of our bathroom and hear her loud, obnoxious, cackling, and conspiring voice (I was intended to hear). I knew pops was not present. I looked around and my husband came in the door. I asked where our girl was (other 2 at last day of school) he went up. Found her alone in the narcs bathroom. Door closed. Water running. The narc has refused to child proof or safety anything. Ever! Poison under cabinets, open. You cannot trust a child!! She didn't care where she was. She was too busy trying to stick it to me on the phone with her minion. They came down, and played “memory" with her. While playing, she says “gramma said something about you". My alarm went off in my head. I smiled still and asked what it was. She said, I was at the table eating nuts and Gramma said “I don't want you to be like your mother. I don't like her.” “Get the F out, you bastard. Poopy head"! I said, oh. That wasn't very nice. I let it go. I called my husband in then I asked my child if she could please tell her dad what she just told me. She did. Just about word for word. She thought maybe it could've been the “bitch" word. After all, she's heard that a few times from her. Well, I don't want her near her!!  My situation it's close to impossible. We have a couple months stuck here. So, she started inviting the other two children up for ice cream. After 16 months of maybe doing that 3 other times. On purpose she will keep them talking when we call for them. She says passive aggressive things, regarding me. She tells my youngest “secrets" and we've asked her not to. Anything we ask (only been a couple things) her to not do... She does more.

I am leaving out so much. Yet, it's a novella. Sorry.
I just want a basic opinion of what I should do till I can get out of here.
Today, I kept the children busy, outside mostly.
The older ones don't even want to be near her. But hey, they like treats. Her new ploy to get them to think she's ok and therefore I'm “bad". They told me they don't want them anymore. Her treats. It kills me.

I'm trying to not be angry and just allow my baby to see the differences herself.
She said (as we've discussed) if gramma says anything about mommy she'll tell her to STOP. Don't talk about my mommy. And leave. It is heartbreaking. For us. For our children.

When we got here, Easter was shortly after. My youngest was 2, this was huge to her. Since Easter 2014, Narc Grandma has left candy and small gifts for her EVERYDAY from “the Easter bunny" Not the two older children which we had to make excuses for and expect them to “get it". In retrospect, I see it was to get my daughter excited to go up there every morning. She left it near her! I didn't like this from the beginning. I think it is spoiling. It excluded the others. It kind of takes the specialness away. And most of all ... The candy!!! She started leaving more and more. And it's daily! For a little girls soft teeth. In addition to all the ice cream she gives her. Cookies. Etc. Without asking!! My husband asked her to stop. She refused. Kept it coming. She is sneaky about it. Leaving small things the next day. Next day, more. Etc. If he called her on it, it's twisted into an argument! Our youngest had two cavities forming last fall!! The other two never had that. I can't blame this entirely on the candy and treats, but it sure didn't help. I had my husband explain to her that our child had to lay under a weighted blanket, for safety, and have strangers drill her teeth. Etc. It slowed a few days. After the traumatic visit, she did the same. Potato chips, coloring book, and pretzels. It always goes back to candy! I made the mistake of talking to her about “perhaps it should stop” as we can't do this forever. She lost it. It drove her to do more! Now, 6 months later, my girl has FOUR more small cavities!!!! We go again next week!! My husband put his foot down, nicely even!! She lasted 2 days then refused! Laughed at him but he stayed patient.  He went out and bought 3 bags of sugar free candy then gave it to his mother and said this was the best for her. (Never mind just stopping) Next day, she got out flavored tootsie rolls!!! My husband was upset and then she huffed and puffed. Poor her!!! Left out other things a few days. Small items. Chips or horrible orange crackers! Ugh Now she's sneaking candy in too!!! Everything is a damn game! My child “she adores", is a game? Her teeth!! I'm brushing 4 times a day!!

My oldest made honor roll her first trimester this school year, her first year in public school, and she did it while adjusting to middle school!!
She was met with attitude by gramma.
She got a lot of attention and praise from gramp. Which drives gram nuts!!! So jealous!
Next trimester, she got high honors! Same thing. We laugh about it together now.
But it is really sad.
Last trimester, same, high honors. Lowest grade 1 A- in technology.
The woman didn't acknowledge it, just a joker’s smile.
Quickly, she brings up her great grandson (6 months younger) and discounts my daughters accomplishments by announcing he will be taking 8th grade math in 6th grade.
She makes similar comparisons often. She never even sees this grandson. She just makes stuff up or uses info to compare.

When our daughters began school here, she praised it! Made “concerned" comments about being Homeschooled and maybe they wouldn't keep up!?
So, when they excelled she then said our neighbors (she talks to one once a year and the others two or three)

 “They don’t send their kids to the school”.

They “have no need for it.”

 One neighbor sends her twins to catholic school in Brattleboro. She works near there. The other sends her son to a catholic school near the college she works for. The truth, both have jobs and need after school care. Both schools provide it and both families don't care for “common core". That's it. The reasons. Can't tell her though. It's just funny how everything we do is subpar. She is sneaky and everyone is used for a purpose. Once, we were visiting. As we left, my husband told her we'd call when we arrived home. We lived up the mountain and an hour away (blissfully). He informed her we'd stop to pick up pizza and lottery tickets. So it'd be an hour. Don't worry.

So, he says “I’d love to win. I'd give some to everyone in the family.”

 (Meaning them, his sisters. Nieces)

The narc replies. “We talk about that too. We'd split most up between you 4 kids, and 2 nieces.

 Mind you. She just left out our 3 children and his oldest daughter but mentioned the other two grandchildren!!

My husband was like “huh?" “What about all your grandchildren?”

She says, “Oh they're too young. You could share yours with them!"

Husband, “It's not the point. It's not the money. It's the shitty comment that shows what we always knew.

 He says “what about my oldest"?

Grandma “oh well. Ok. Her too"!

Further, we are also the scapegoat family. We are good people and I’m tired of being doormats. We are the only ones who have ever helped them!  When we used her kitchen when we were living there she was so aggressive. Flying into the kitchen, no need. Bullying me. I'd be washing dishes (theirs also) and ours I'd go to dry. Hers, I'd stack for the dishwasher!! So, she'd come in and grab the faucet and turn to the other sink to use it, while I was in the middle of rinsing!!!

She'd make loud comments like “excuse me!!"

Not in a nice way. I was next to the oven one day. My hip in front of the oven. Which, I didn't realize. Till she came in and busied herself around me angrily. A bullying presence. She opened the oven door and it slammed into my hip. She did not even need anything! - By this time, my husband and father in law were aware of her games and tactics. They were watching.

She said. “So sorry!!” (When she hit me) “…move your littttllleeee ass out of my way” (snickering, like it's large, it is not btw).

 I moved then she walked away so I resumed. She then came back and elbowed me.

She says “you and your fat ass are always in the way.”

 So, I finally commented “at least mine doesn't sag to the ground".

It became unbearable. Just nonstop games. Intimidating. It was awful. So, I just realized she's a narcissist this past May around Mother's Day. When she pulled the bullshit, again!  Poor her, she wasn't going to be a “phony" anymore. So close to Mother's Day and my birthday. I thought, “narcissistic". So, I looked it up. Took a “test". 19 out of 20 was her!! I started looking for groups. Talking to others. The similarities, startling.
What do you think??


“Monster in Law”

******************************TRIGGER WARNING******************************

I know I’m going to hear from a few thousand women who happen to be grandmothers and possibly dealing with a narcissistic daughter in law, this advice had nothing to do with your specific situation...  If you are the grandmother I have just described consider not reading any further.  The advice I am about to give is geared toward a woman who is dealing with a mother in law from hell and no two situations are alike so please do not message me later to let me know that this poor daughter in law should be grateful the in-laws took them in.  I’m willing to bet they paid more than their fair share of bills while rooming with grandma.  Before following through with the urge to tell me I am wrong.  Remind yourself that you were warned not to read below this line.  In my line of work I’ve dealt with more than my fair share of narcissistic grandmothers so just save the insults and bashing because they will not be welcome here.  Offer advice yes but don’t come here looking for a fight to pick because you will quickly be *deleted*   Thank you!

***********************YOU HAVE OFFICIALLY BEEN WARNED***********************

Dear “Monster in Law”,

What do I think???? I think you have been living with my mother!  The first thing I would like to say is that with a normal family if you need help, they help you.  Normal people do not offer “help” as a means to abuse you more.  I know there is a grandma out there shaking her head because you and your family needed “help” in the first place.  If you are that grandma, keep in mind generations of families used to live together without being emotionally, psychologically, verbally, or bordering on physical assault.  Sweet baby Jesus, I think your post was a trigger for me as I find myself defending myself before I have even uttered a word of advice!  Now we all know, Narcissist Problems has a narcissist as a mother!  So let me share my years of experience! (33 years to be exact).  I know I told you I was working on this last week but I had to prepare myself mentally for this challenge (Trigger).  So the moral of the story is that in your gut you always new Narc In-law was a little off but you couldn’t put your finger on it until you were in your weakest moment.  The others don’t visit grandma because she does the same things to them.  The two on the phone all the time who held the “intervention” stick around because I’m guessing they are the golden children but they would probably tear each other’s eye balls out if given the chance.  You were at your most vulnerable and the poo hit the fan. 

            My first advice, since you have already moved away, is to create a new Facebook account and don’t add any of them.  In fact, block them….ALL OF THEM.  I would create a profile and use a nickname instead of your real name.  I also would not share any pictures of yourself or your kids.  With that said lets dive on in to the real advice.

            What do I think? I think that all narcissists have definitely read the same instruction Manuel.  My narcs favorite holiday was Easter too, imagine that!  I have young children and her favorite thing to do was to load them up with candy!  I went through the same experience where my mother would give my oldest son (her favorite) Candy, cakes, soda, and anything else his little 3 year old body desired.  When I objected to this for obvious reasons it was met as a challenge.  They try to play it off by saying things like “but they like it…” “But they are just kids” as if we are being monsters and their behavior of sneaking sweets is cute and charming and how dare us for objecting.  It wouldn’t be a problem is the treats were given in moderation.  The problem is that they are not.  As most normal people know, especially parents, sugar can be a very harmful substance for bodies young and old.  My son too had numerous cavities.  The sick part is when you tell them the pain your child had to experience and the trauma of being tied down to have their baby teeth drilled on, they don’t even care!!!  They don’t care about the child’s pain.  That is why you, as the child’s mother, needs to protect the child from grandma.  If Grandma is repeatedly asked to stop a behavior that is harming your child its time to put your foot down.

            Let me say you handled the situation very well by saying “If you continue this bad behavior then this will be the consequence”.  The consequence being less visits and low contact.  The problem occurred when you made this ultimatum and then you needed their help.  When this happened you opened the gates of hell.  You can’t simply play with the low/no contact button.  We like to think of a narcissist as a child because they behave as one a lot but this is false logic on our parts.  When a child is in trouble and threatened with a consequence of bad behavior or is actually punished, they feel bad.  Children try to make things better.  Narcissists do the opposite.  When a narcissist is threatened with a consequence of a bad behavior “GAME ON!!”  The last one standing is the winner.  If they actually suffer the consequence all hell breaks lose and they become a helpless victim of your irrationality.  What happens when we threaten a consequence of bad behavior, punish the bad behavior with the consequence, and then ultimately with draw the enforced consequence?  Hell hath no fury.  The words you so eloquently put “I became enemy number one”.  You got that right sister and there is no changing it now!  One cannot simply play with the consequence button.  You have two options now; extremely low contact or no contact.  If you try the low contact you must enforce the consequence of the bad behavior right away.  If that doesn’t help the situation make the contact lower and lower until there is none left at all.  One there is no contact you can’t ever go back.  It’s no contact FOREVER.  You will then be faced with a multitude of flying monkeys.  You know the daughters that are told of all your short comings and your “fat ass”.  Then if they know anyone you know, like friends or neighbors, expect them too.  They might not be aware that they are being used as spies and messengers but they are.  You may end up cutting all those people out of your life as well.  The goal here is to surround yourself with people who are supportive, caring, and don’t play games.  You want real relationships of value.  You can’t have these things with a narcissist or their flying monkeys.

            Now when grandma threatened to file the false assault report on you I would have taken her seriously because these old bats know they can get away with it!  That right there is a threat to your freedom because it can land you behind bars innocent or not.  My narcissist, when threatened and punished with the consequences of bad behavior, began to take pictures of my child (her favorite) every time he got hurt.  After we began low contract if my child was hurt on our next visit she would take my child aside and sneak in a quick photo of the injury.  When we were almost no contact my narcissist tried to use these photos to build a grandparent rights case against me.  Grandma began filing false reports to child protective services for abuse as well.  When they make threats that they are going to file a false police report because they are not getting their way, believe them!  Protect yourself and protect your children from the harm that can result from a false report.  You will find yourself under investigation with the narcissist’s word and their stack of pictures in no time.  God help you then.   Trust me, I’ve been there and it isn’t pretty.  You may be innocent but you will be hiring lawyers, getting psychiatric evaluations, and lord knows what else because of the story they concocted.  Don’t let this happen to you.  Enforce your boundaries.  Do not feel bad about it.  I do not need to rehash through your whole post of the reasons why your monster in law is a narcissist, the post speaks volumes.  My advice is to make sure you are familiar with your state laws on grandparent’s rights.  Don’t leave your children alone with her EVER.  Get a free consultation with a family lawyer about the situation.  If she makes threats take them seriously.  Lastly, DOCUMENT THE CRAZY.  Keep a journal of every encounter, times, dates, and witnesses because you never know what kind of crazy she will pull. I know a lot of people say “I’m not going to tell you to go no contact or low contact because this is a decision you need to make”.  The woman you are dealing with does not understand what a boundary is.  Not only does she not understand, if she does, she doesn’t care.  People like this do not change.  There is nothing you can do to magically make them respect you, your children, or your property.  Get into therapy, go no contact, and if you need to leave the city/state if she continues to cross the line.  Moreover, call the police if she shows up uninvited and get a restraining order if need be.  Whatever you do, don’t let this continue.  If you have to work five jobs do what you need just to make sure you NEVER need her help again for the rest of your life!  Good Luck to you!


Narcissist Problems

June 17, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems; "Bacon Sandwich"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

I need help please.  I think I'm being completely emotionally manipulated. I feel like I've fallen into a dark hole I can't get out of.   I met a guy at work just over a year ago. At first everything was amazing and he was great. Then for various reasons we decided to move in together. Since we have been living together he has been having regular mood swings. I now feel like I never know where I am with him. One day he can be as loving as can be and the next day he will lash out. I got thrown out of the house on packing day for not making him a bacon sandwich which he asked for Xmas morning because I was in a rush to go and see my kids from my previous relationship (they live with their father, thank goodness. Sometimes he will fly off the handle at me and I'm not even sure why. He has threatened me, sworn at me, spat in my face twice, grabbed me and forcibly taken a picture of my stomach calling me fat, stupid, weak and pathetic.  He does this especially if we are exercising together and I don't do as he says. He has come at me with his fists then punched the wall, also a mallet and a knife (I hid in the bathroom). The police have been involved but when they are here he plays the victim. I ran off once and hid for a week but every time I leave he begs and pleads with me to return and starts acting how he used to all loving and everything. He is involved with a mental health team as he has been signed off work with depression for 12 weeks now. He works in the health industry and is very knowledgeable of psychology etc. When he has counselling and even when the crisis team comes out he acts in such a way that they pander to him. I have left numerous times but each time I find myself returning and apologizing although most of the time I'm not even sure what for. I've started smoking, I don't see any of my friends and I don't go anywhere. I lost my job in March due to being ill with stress. This has been ongoing since Christmas. Sometimes I return and accept things and have no idea why. It is like he knows all the buttons to push on me so I behave how he wants. I feel like I'm going crazy. I have started to question myself and my own sanity and behavior, finding me blaming myself for things. I keep excusing his behavior saying it must be depression. He had threatened to kill himself before when I have left, and cut himself once thereby making me feel bad. I feel totally trapped.


“Bacon Sandwich Breakfast”


Dear “Bacon Sandwich Breakfast”,

   This guy is more than a manipulator, he is a hurricane!  The only response I have to this is Get out Now!!!  They say that when we bond with people we do so whether the bonding is positive or negative.  I don’t know what happened in your life prior to this relationship but what you are describing here is a typical abusive relationship.  You are experiencing emotional abuse when you are degraded and humiliated.  You are experiencing physical abuse when he comes at you with fists and weapons.  What I really want to know is what are you waiting for?  Are you waiting for this guy to murder you?  Because eventually he will.  With trauma bonding, to my understanding, it becomes impossible to leave the relationship not because we are weak but because we think we love this terror we spend our days with.  This person is terrorizing you and it’s to the point that you feel normal in this role.  I am not saying you enjoy being a victim I am saying that you have come to feel normal with the abuse.  A big red flag of abuse is being isolated from your friends and family.  I will not go into any more detail listing the reasons why you are being abused.  I will just say, you are being abused and you need to get as far away from this guy as possible.  You need to find the strength to ignore the threats he is making to harm himself because guess what?  Those threats will soon turn into action and trust me when I say, if those threats are carried out you will most likely be physically harmed in the process.  You need to document these threats and call the authorities on him.  Document all the crazy.  Please contact your local court house and get in touch with a domestic violence advocate.  Yes, thank god your child is not there to witness this but your child also does not need to witness the shell of a person his mother is becoming.  Read up on the red flags of abuse.  Have conversations with others who have gone through abuse, get counseling, and join some support groups.  There is no question about the manipulation.  Yes you are being manipulated and you were groomed to accept this abuse.  Take a lot of time to work on you before getting into a new relationship after this.  Find out what made you attracted to this person in the first place and what made you stay.  This relationship will eventually kill you.  You do not have time to consider what I have said here.  Let the hair on the back of your neck raise up, your heart start pumping, and your instinct to take flight come over you.  Do not ignore your gut and do not ignore this warning.  If you do not leave this person as soon as you read this response tomorrow might be too late.  GET. OUT. NOW. You need to disappear because his rage when he finds out you are gone will not simmer down so document the crazy and do not hesitate to contact the police!  We are talking about your life.  You do not have any more time to sit around and wonder what you should be doing because if you do it could be the death of you.


Narcissist Problems

May 26, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Feeling Violated"

Dear Narcissist Problems,
      I am a healthy four year old little boy with an uncircumcised penis. I have made it this far in life without any problems. My p...arents are not together. My father wants to cut off my foreskin for cosmetic reasons and my mother said no. Last week my mother was arrested and told she would not be released until she signed papers allowing the circumcision to take place. It is my body and I do not want to have my penis cut either, I am scared and I miss my mother. We live in the United States of America. Is this a human rights violation and how can I protect myself since my mother has been jailed and silenced with a gag order?
"Feeling Violated"

Dear "Feeling Violated",

      The first thing I would like to say is that you have our support. A majority of us who have found our way here did so because we have suffered violations of our civil and human rights at the hands of our parents, family, or other loved ones. The situation you and your mother are facing is more like a crime against humanity. Yes, your human rights are being violated and so are your mothers. Unfortunately, given the situation, with the governments current involvement, the only thing to do is to continue to stand up for your rights and spread awareness of the situation so others get involved in your cause. I would suggest contacting the ACLU, advocacy groups, and the media. Given your mothers current court ordered silence you will need volunteers to spread the word of your horrible situation with your toxic father who should be jailed because any parent who truely loves their child would never let a situation where a child is not in danger escalate to this point in order to feel a sense of control over you and your mother. We find it beyond sickening and have officially raised our hands as a volunteer in creating awareness of this situation and sending out a call to action to get others involved as well. Narcissist Problems would like to let you know that we stand with your mother. We believe that your body, including your genitals, belong to you and that we will stand for and help fight against this injustice by spreading awareness of the judicial abuse your mother is currently experiencing. You are a very lucky little man to have such a brave mother standing up for your right to be human against a judicial system that is suffering from severe corruption to the point that a judge feels it is his personal duty to forced your penis to be mutilated. There is a special place in hell for people who watch an injustice take place and do nothing. We hope that the only things you take away from this experience is your mothers bravery, courage, hope in humanity as you watch supporters rally for your rights and dignity, and of course your intact penis. You and your mother are not alone. Rest assured that the outrage express is plowing full steam ahead and gaining momentum in the form of supporters who will not sit down and shut up like your mother has been court ordered to do. We are very sorry that you are going through such a traumatic and dehumanizing experience at the hands of your father. We hope that one day your family will be able to heal from this experience. Continue to fight the good fight and do not stand down to this blatant disregard of your body, human, and civil rights. We support you!
Narcissist Problems

Saving Chase
On November 6, 2014, a Florida court ordered the circumcision of a healthy four year old boy, a painful and risky surgery for young boys, at the insistence of his father. The boy's name is Chase and his mother, Heather Hironimus, is fighting a battle to save him.
In December 2011, Chase's mother signed a parenting agreement which gave Chase's father permission to have their (then) baby boy circumcised. Three years later, Chase is still intact, happy and healthy.
Heather Hironimus realized over the years that removing Chase's foreskin was unnecessary. She argues that the parenting plan circumcision agreement no longer applies to a now older, and more aware, boy.
Pediatric urologist Dr. Charles Flack testified to the court that circumcision is not medically necessary after examining the boy.
Genital autonomy advocates believe Chase's physical and mental health are at risk. He is aware of his body and does not want to have surgery on his genitals. Amputating a healthy, functional body part is a violation of basic human rights and medical ethics.
The purpose of this site is to draw attention to Chase's case and to provide a place for concerned citizens to support Heather's struggle.
We are a coalition of activists committed to saving Chase from a tragic and violent invasion of his body. Funds are collected by Doctors Opposing Circumcision, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization. Please visit our donate page to support Chase. If you would like to contribute to our efforts in other ways, please contact us through our contact page.

May 25, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems, "99 Problems"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

I'm 22 years old and have a 5 month old son with this guy.  He's my first love. I’m not open about sharing myself with others because I'm afraid of being hurt but I get along with anyone.  I usually put others before myself, I find joy in helping others and helping them better themselves makes me feel good about myself.  I was dedicated to school and basketball until I met him things got rocky.

My mother wasn't really there for me growing up but I still love her.  I live with my father who is a retired police officer and he's pretty cool just sometimes to me it was hard expressing his love as he is also quiet and to himself but I love my parents regardless, giving the hardships I been through. I have 3 sisters and 6 brothers my friendships last years.

I was a virgin until 19 and have only been with 3 guys and one being the one I'm with and that’s the one I'm most comfortable with, he's the one I connected with and I just love him more than anything and thought he would never hurt me.

I’ve been with this guy for almost 3 years now. At first things were good. We met and were just friends and we got closer and closer. We started to share our past rather it be about relationships, family issues, things we liked and didn’t like to do. About 2 months into talking to him he asked me out and within the 3rd month he said he was in love with me. I fell deeply in love with him and I thought he was my match and my soul mate from then on. The first couple months were good until things started to go south. It started when this phone number was continuously calling him late at night around 3 in the morning and I would constantly ask who it was. At times he would say no one and then he would tell me it’s his ex-girlfriend. Well I said why don’t you answer it? He replies and says because I don’t want to, there’s no point because she hurt me and I’m done with her. So I brushed it off but it kept happening so I asked to explain why they broke up. He said she lied about who she was online and she just hurt him. Moving forward I let that go seeing we were together and thought nothing more of the ex. I let this guy move in with me because his parents kicked him out and he had nowhere to go. I fed him clothed him pretty much was there for him through it all. Now things got worse when I would see him texting other girls, and sexting. We would argue and he would tell me it wasn’t like that or say he doesn’t know why he did it and that he loved me I was the only girl for him. I forgave and things went back on track. Then this would happen again either with a coworker or some girl online I would confront same outcome. He made me so paranoid that I would go through his phone when he would be sleep or make fake accounts or numbers and text him to see how he would reply back. When I would confront him with evidence he would be in denial and we argue more or he would pull the, you don’t trust me card or I knew that was you the entire time when I know that was a lie. I would forgive him and life would be good again. On to the 2nd year we would talk more about building and he would say how he loved and wanted to marry me start a family together. I was still in college and playing on the basketball team and I didn’t want to just halt everything. He would tell me a baby would bring us closer and that I was his life. Still occasionally or I shall say when I would find out the infidelity of cheating texting other girls would happen still. But I decided to have a child with him and I feel like that was the biggest mistake. I felt alone the entire pregnancy he was somewhat emotionally there for me. 2 weeks before our sons due date he walked out on me and was gone for a week. Then eventually asked for my forgiveness and I took him back. in the course of being pregnant between the porn websites dating websites the texting of the girls and me finding panties in the car from under our mattress I was fed up and there were excuses for it al. sorry I’m all over the place there’s just so much that has happened. Our son is 5 months old now and we got into an altercation and he has left again and won’t even come see his son won’t answer phone calls messages. he is also on drugs (weed and on probation for it but that doesn’t faze him one bit) I try and try with hi second chances I try to fix him but I find myself hurt or everyone thinks I’m crazy ohhh and the e girlfriend I mentioned of his earlier every time we get in fight he calls her when he knows that affects me I’ve cried my eyes out to him saying why can’t you leave her alone etc.. And he doesn’t see the issue with them talking??? I need help I want to leave my friends and family think I need to but I love this guy so much.


“99 problems and a Narcissist is one”



Dear “99 problems”,

     The first thing I would like to say is Congratulations on finding your way here at the age of 22 instead of 42!!!  You are already years ahead of the trauma many of us here have endured due to our own narcissist problems.  Kudos!  Also, congratulations on the baby! There are some red flags that stand out in your relationship with this guy but I first want to point out the first thing you stated here.  You enjoy helping others because it makes you feel good.  I would really look into this self-observation and spend some time reflecting and exploring the reasons why you think and feel this way.  Do you feel guilty caring for yourself?  Do you feel you do not deserve to love yourself or ashamed to love yourself? 

            I will not try to diagnose your significant other as a narcissist because I do not have the authority to do so, I am not a medical doctor or a psychiatrist.  I do however notice that your relationship went kind of fast from first meeting to declaring him your soul mate.  What did he do that made you feel this way?  The way you describe things here the sketchy behavior started pretty early on with the mysterious 3am phone calls.  One thing that many of us who have lived through a relationship of any kind with a narcissist is that they always keep supply around.  This supply is usually in the form of ex-boyfriend/girlfriends, ex-friends, or an ex-anything.  They tell us these people are obsessed with them or just can’t let go when in reality they are secretly maintaining these relationships but they do so in a way that we would never suspect.  By the time the relationship is over we have also been turned into one of the crazy obsessed ex’s. 

At such a young age you should really make a plan and focus on your priorities.  Ask yourself how you want to see your life play out and what behavior is acceptable and unacceptable in your close relationships, including with family.  Really spend some time evaluating ALL of your relationships because I have the feeling you are holding onto some other relationships that may also be toxic for you.  My advice here is to let this guy go.  Yes it is going to hurt because you love him but you need to love yourself and your baby more.  I suggest finding a system of support from people who are currently not involved in your life.  Distance yourself emotionally for a little while and seek counseling.  If you have health insurance I would visit your family doctor and ask for advice on where to find a therapist without going into too much detail.  If you do not have access to these resources please message the page again so we can help you locate some resources in your area.  A lot of communities have places you can turn to if you are on a limited budget with limited resources.  I believe it would be in your best interest and the babies to take steps that will allow you to become strong, stable, and self-reliant. I am not saying to shut the world out.  I am saying seek a system of support emotionally, seek therapy to learn new ways of forming relationships, and learn how to set healthy boundaries.  You deserve to be treated the same way you treat others.  You deserve to love and be loved.  Make a plan, get back into school, and start building a great life because you deserve it!  Learn from this relationship and later on down the road you will have the skills necessary to never be treated like this again or accept being treated this way.  You are very young and have the power to make changes in your life.  You are also old enough to set boundaries if someone is treating you poorly. 

   If you are uncomfortable, initially, with seeking help then a great place to start when you need to figure out what if anything is wrong is Google scholar.  I wouldn’t do a regular internet search on this subject but get information from very reliable sources.  Search for things that you are wondering about “Emotional abuse” “infidelity” “red flags of abuse” etc.  We have all found our way here because of that initial Google search and while it is wonderful being able to connect with others who share your experience and pain it should be limited to just that, sharing experiences.  In order to heal learn about what has happened to you from professionals and professional sources.  I can share my experience and give advice but I can’t show you how to heal because I have no experience, other than my own, on which to reference.  Each of us are on our own journeys and it is up to each of us on how hard we work to heal from the trauma we have endured.  I will list some articles, journals, and basic information that may be helpful for you and the rest is up to you.  Good luck on your healing journey and if you need emotional support we are always here for a shoulder to lean on!


Narcissist Problems

Here is an idea on where to start from resources available on Google Scholar


Psychological Reports 1979 45:2 , 590-590


Psychological Trauma and the Adult Survivor: Theory, Therapy, and Transformation

 By I. Lisa McCann PhD., Laurie Anne Pearlman PhD.



Dating infidelity: Behaviors, reasons and consequences.

Roscoe, Bruce; Cavanaugh, Lauri E.; Kennedy, Donna R.

Adolescence, Vol 23(89), 1988, 35-43.

Surveyed 247 17–23 yr olds concerning 3 issues: behaviors that constitute infidelity in a dating relationship, reasons for a dating partner to be unfaithful, and reactions to a dating partner's infidelity. Responses indicate more similarities than differences between dating infidelity and extramarital affairs with regard to behaviors, causes, and consequences. Results are discussed in terms of similarities between dating and marital infidelity and the rationale for professionals to interact with adolescents concerning the potential long-term consequences of dating infidelity. (PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2012 APA, all rights reserved)