Dear Narcissist Problems, My sister was murdered by a narcissist

Dear Narcissist Problems,

      I don't know what to do....My sister died" suddenly" and I have requested her medical info and her narcissist husband will not allow me to have her records. He tormented me after her death by saying she liked to be locked in the closet. She was stuck in this relationship and I do think she was going to leave him. I cannot even access the 911 call. They said I could have it if I had my attorney request it then they denied the request. Police, Sheriff, fire dept. will not help. What do I do?

 Sincerely,

 

“Grieving Sister”

Dear “Grieving”,

            I’m really sorry to hear about the loss of your sister and I can only imagine how hard you are grieving. A narcissist can destroy the lives of everyone they come into contact with.  Even if he did not kill your sister his tormenting you is extremely cruel and if it isn't narcissistic abuse then it could possibly be the provocation of a psychopath . Without more information it would be really hard to say exactly what you should do. Many things would depend upon getting any help legally. It would be useful for you to find out if her abuse was actually documented and the cause of death. When you say she died suddenly it is unclear if suddenly means of a natural event or if there were any questionable circumstances. You could begin by trying to see if her abuse was documented and to get any help with this you will need a lawyer. It will be hard to get the police to listen if there is little or no documentation. If there is documentation and the events were questionable I’m sure they are already investigating this.

     For the mean time, I have two suggestions for you to get through this awful situation you are going through. The first is to speak with the lawyer. It seems that you have done this as you say “they say I could have it then they denied the request”. If the request was denied then I would see if it is possible to submit an appeal to that decision. Again, only your attorney can help you with this. However, I also recommend getting a consult with multiple attorneys and choosing one that you are comfortable with. I would preferably find a lawyer that is familiar with narcissistic abuse and possibly seek the help of someone who is passionate about prosecuting for emotional abuse as well. 

     The first suggestion would be to talk to a lawyer.  The second suggestion I have is to seek support and counseling for your grieving. I would spend some time finding a therapist who specializes in narcissistic and emotional abuse to help you get through this nightmare and also help put things into perspective.  I searched around and seen that many are recommending this book about grief when dealing with the sudden loss of a loved one:

 This community found at Grief.com seems to be a great place to start to find support and resources.  This site also has the type of loss you are experiencing broken further down into support groups so you can connect and discuss with others who have gone through what you are experiencing.

You are grieving and most likely angry and feel powerless over your situation. I would try to connect with others in support groups geared toward abuse or surviving family members of people that have lost a loved one to abuse. I wish you luck on getting through this. Just remember to stop every once in a while and take care of yourself because this will consume your life as you search for answers and justice.

Regards,

  Narcissist Problems

How the Family Narcissist Ruins Holiday Gatherings

3 Ways Narcissists Ruin Special Events 

What You Can Do to Avoid Being in Hell for the Holidays

1. Narcissists will provoke you

The thing about narcissists is that if they do it once they will do it again. You’ve probably been conditioned as the family event organizer since birth and every year the same scenario plays out. You are asked to prepare the holiday dinner and event and you do. There is also the added guilt that takes place when you protest doing all the work alone.

Typically the narcissist will have a giant to-do list and needs “help”. The request for help is more of a demand and you find yourself checking off the items on this list alone. After all, the narcissist is so overwhelmed with all of the other things they need to do.

Spot narcissistic provocation and learn ways to prevent them.

 If you protest the narcissist, they will find some way to make you feel guilty and they will let everyone know about how you ruined the holidays if you quit the role of Santa’s little helper. Draw upon your past experience and create firm boundaries.

You are an adult and you too have responsibilities to take care of. Refuse to do any work on this event if you are doing it alone. Trying to explain your feelings about the situation to the narcissist is pointless.

Create a plan of action and tell the narcissist what they are expected to do and if they don’t do it then it will not get done. Be clear, firm, and stand your ground. Don’t let the narcissist manipulate you into doing their work by sending you on a guilt trip.

Narcissists humiliate you in front of others

Narcissists will pick apart your flaws and then point them out to others. If you have stress induced acne the narcissist will wait until the room is full and then proceed to point out each blemish to the guests.

They simply thought that everyone grew out of acne once they matured out of puberty and here you are in middle age with pimples. You really need to get it together because something is wrong with you!

How to deal with nitpicking and humiliation:

If you are forced to interact with this person then the worst thing you could do is react. When a narcissist is picking apart your flaws what they are really trying to do is elicit a reaction.

 They don’t care if it is good or bad. If you are not giving them positive attention they will be happy to see you cry and get angry. Do not allow them this control over you.

Be as solid as a rock and without any emotional reaction simply state that their behavior is inappropriate and then walk away. Disengage and refuse to be provoked by them. Chances are if they are making you feel uncomfortable they are also making others feel uncomfortable. Be a rock and walk away.

3. Narcissists gossip about you

Something about gossip and badmouthing really keeps most narcissists going. Just like cars need gas narcissists need gossip. They are constantly criticizing others and sharing intimate details or something made up in order to make you look bad. Narcissists use gossip as a means to triangulate people and put wedges in relationships. They want to be the focal point of every relationship.

Narcissists don’t want people talking to each other because they need people to go through them as a means of communication. Narcissists use gossip as a tool to get what they want out of everyone around them and they do this by creating miscommunication among others.

What to do about gossip:

Understand that you can’t control gossip but you can control how you react to it and who you allow in your life. Narcissists recruit others to gain information about you so take stock of the relationships you have with anyone that has to do with your narcissist.

If you see someone in your life that you confide in with the narcissist and they are alone and whispering. Chances are the narcissist is getting or giving the dirt on their target. If there isn’t any dirt to get then they will just make it up.

Sever ties with narcissists and their flying monkeys. There is no winning this game and chances are that gossip will later be used to destroy your life. If you are struggling with going No Contact with an abusive family member you can find very useful information at the Sanctuary for the abused blog.

There are a few sources that share great information and resources for those suffering from the narcissistic family member. The Narcissist’s Child is a blog geared toward daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and has a list of other resources such as relevant websites, blogs, and books.

Helpful Awareness pages or blogs include:

The Naked Narcissist  and The War At Home which has recently started a nonprofit foundation to highlight Narcissistic Abuse and become a source of help to victims of narcissistic abusers.


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Dear Narcissist Problems, "Emotionally Blackmailed 2" The update

Dear Narcissist Problems,

An update from “Emotional Blackmail” originally posted last month.

            A shocking twist. His first attempt at faking his own death was uncovered but that was not enough for him. He admitted he knew he needed psychiatric help and asked for me to be supportive. He blamed his PTSD for all his problems. He claimed to have checked in to a mental hospital and even called me from the hospital a few times to prove to me he was there. A part of me that wanted to think it was true and he was getting help.

A week later he called and said he had been released and asked me to run away and get married in Florida. I simply replied “You already know my answer”. Anyone who loved me would never ask for me to leave my family. Little did I know, by declining his proposal to run away, I had signed up for my worst nightmare.  

No sooner than the next morning I started getting emails and messages from his friends and family for the second time telling me he had committed suicide by overdose and I was going to be held responsible. Email after email accusing me of ruining his life and being the cause of his suffering. I was even sent a copy of the death certificate and his family demanded I sign over to them power of attorney.

There was a moment in time when I started to think this may be real, but my gut told me otherwise. I decided to go to the Coroner’s office to verify the certificate, and of course, it was FAKE! They advised me to report to the police department, but I was disappointed to find they could not help me due to the fact the document did not have my information and I was not in immediate danger.

 In the meantime, the emails persisted, still demanding power of attorney for an estate, children left in my care, and a body that needed to be released from the morgue. I had not been replying to the email or messages because I was so sick and tired of the games, I knew he was playing with my head all along.

As the emails continued I could tell he was getting frustrated and angry that I was not engaging. He started using his nieces name to send me threats like, “I’m going to strangle you”, “I will make you pay for this”, and “I will ruin your family”. With emails like those I was finally able to provide the police evidence of the abuse. I was granted a protection order and a detective would be assigned to my case.

 My sister once again took it upon herself to dig a little deeper, she found my ex-boyfriend’s niece on Facebook and asked if she knew my ex. She described him and asked if she was aware her uncle was using her name to threaten people. The poor girl was horrified to find that her own family would do such a thing, she even questioned if this could be the same person because the night before they had gone out to dinner and trick-or-treat and even his WIFE was there with them and that they had never been divorced!

 My sister called me with the news, my jaw and stomach dropped to the floor. I could not believe that I had been with a married man for two and half years. How could anyone get away with so much for this long? How could this happen to me? He did send one last message, he did not admit to the emails but that he had lost everything because of me, his family, his life, his job. He said he would leave me alone and give me peace “you can be happy it will be like I never existed everything is gone”. He wondered why I had not gotten him arrested. I never did reply to him.

 I can only assume this was one last attempt at controlling me, my emotions and hurting me. I feel used, empty, I even feel stupid for falling for this crazy person and all his lies, and I had been living a lie all this time. I was “the other women”.

 I had gone through abuse in the past but nothing like this, bruises and scars heal, but emotional abuse is the hardest to overcome. I am currently struggling with anxiety, stress, constantly feeling edgy, sensitive and afraid. I feel like I’m withdrawing from everything I once loved and everything that made me happy. I look forward to the day this will no longer be a painful memory but a story to tell about a lesson learned and how I became stronger, braver. I will continue to follow through with the protection order and police report. He will need to confront reality and all those he has hurt with his lies.

 Sincerely,

“Emotionally Blackmailed”

Dear “Emotionally Blackmailed”,

            Wow.  Just WOW! I think this goes beyond dealing with a regular Narcissist Problem. The first time you wrote in I thought you were dealing with an extreme narcissist but this second elaboration of the situation just confirms that this guy is a narcopath!!!  I’ve seen my fair share of Narcissist Problems but this guy takes the cake!  Also, good for you for digging into the lies by going to the coroner’s office for confirmation.  It’s insane that one would even need to do that yet here we are.  I can only imagine the coroner’s reaction and I hope they didn’t treat you like you were insane for too long.  

As for the police doing anything about the fake death certificate you found out the hard way that going to police with these things is a lost cause.  Trust me, I haven’t had to go to the police with a fake death certificate but for other fraud related incidents.  I learned that they will turn you away and worst case scenario they will make you feel like a paranoid schizophrenic even if you show them evidence. 

When I had my situation and the police were of no help I contacted a criminal defense attorney because I figured if anyone had answers they would.  One attorney instructed me to go to the prosecuting attorney’s office with all the documents and see if they will bring a case against the person for forgery (not fraud).  I learned that there is a difference between the terms fraud and forgery and you were the victim of a forgery.

 For better understanding, fraud is when someone deceives you for monetary gains and forgery is a technique used to commit fraud by creating a document in order to deceive.  Since they were demanding power of attorney for property, children, and the forgers “body release” I would say you have a pretty good case and should consider pursuing this further.  I know it would be easier to just walk away but the reality of the situation is that the crazy is not going to end unless you disappear. 

I’m really glad you got an order of protection against this guy.  Keep documenting the crazy because you are going to need everything later. They are really good at recruiting flying monkeys to harass their victims but it seems like this guy is a pro at creating flying monkeys.  Honestly, his lack of manipulating people into doing his dirty work but instead creating flying monkeys and harassing you himself scares the hell out of me. I mean its normal for them to create fake profiles to stalk but this guy doesn’t even seem to have anyone in his life that is aware of you yet you have been harassed by his “whole family”.  First the mom, now the niece, and who else is really just fake?  That’s a whole separate level of hate and I’m starting to wonder if he is actually a psychopath.

Thank you for sharing your story.  I’m really glad that you are reaching out for help and finding support.  I think that your reactions are normal in this situation.  These relationships will take a toll on us permanently but you need to know that you were not and are not stupid. The only thing I can suggest is completely cut yourself off.  You might even need to move to another state, change your number, change your emails again because this guy will never stop.  It’s scary, confusing, and it’s not fair to be forced into such drastic measures but we are talking about your peace. 

Evil people don't announce themselves.
  They show up as everything you've ever wanted

 and then turn into your worst nightmare

Staying where you are, if he knows where you are, will only force you to withdraw more.  What you have been through is going to take a very long time to recover from.  In fact, it’s probably going to change you forever.  Who you were, who you are, and who you are going to be will meet in this moment and how you go on from here is going to define your future.  You can let this break you permanently but from the sounds of it you are going to be stronger, wiser, and possibly an advocate for others.  There is a quote flying around the internet that is dead on and it goes something like this “There are going to be moments in your life where a clear line is drawn between before this moment and after this moment.” I don’t know who wrote it but it is so true.  You got this so just keep going!

Sincerely,

Narcissist Problems

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Dear Narcissist Problems, "Emotionally Blackmailed"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Hi, I would like to share my current situation with the group anonymously. I believe I may be dating a Sociopath. It started a little over two years ago. We met online and talked for about 2 months before meeting at a local festival. That same day he said "I love you", which was a little soon for me but I went along with it. Within a few months he spoke with my mother and siblings about marrying me. Months went by and I asked him if I could go over and spend the day with his kids. He said he wasn’t ready for that and that he preferred I stay away and respect the privacy of the home. I wasn’t sure why he wanted to marry and yet I wasn’t allowed in his home. A year went by and he still not proposed like he had told my family.

Then he decided he wanted to buy a home and basically created a distraction away from the "wedding". We spent nearly another year searching for a home yet he would find everything wrong with every place we looked at. Finally we had agreed on one home. He decided tonight through his realtor. He called and said the house was ours! He even took me out to shop for furniture and cabinets and flooring. One day I decided to drive by the house and noticed there were people living there. I confronted him and he (of course) made a scene and cried said he didn’t want to disappoint me by telling me we didn’t get the house. I was shocked because he knew all along and still had me out shopping. I didn’t feel like I could trust him anymore. He would threaten me with hurting himself if I left him. Our arguments always somehow ended up being my fault.

 After nearly 2.5 years with him I decided to end the relationship. He disappeared for a few days. Then the messages started. It was his ex-wife asking for me to call his mother because he had jumped out in front of traffic. I called and of course no answer. His mother never called me, all she did was text and I thought it was weird. I went to his job and his employee said he had been there earlier and was not injured. So I knew in that moment it was a lie. Then it got more interesting with his mother texting me telling me he had passed away and planned his funeral. I went to his place of work and confronted him about the huge lie.

He said he just wanted me to feel how he felt when I ended the relationship. That he loved me so much that he couldn't live without me. I changed my number but he found he could still email and is still threatens me with taking pills to end his life. It’s too much. I’m emotionally drained. He has taken what little trust and faith I had left. Too many coincidences too many little things adding up too many BIG lies. I'm know I'm not crazy. Help!

Sincerely,

“Emotionally Blackmailed”

Dear “Blackmailed”,

            What a royal mind fuck that guy was!  Excuse my language but dayum!  Can we be sure there really was an ex-wife or children?  Honey, YOU are NOT the CRAZY one!!!  When you first started explaining the situation I was sitting here thinking “we have a common cheater here” and then by the end my mind was spinning to grasp what I had just read.  
        The good news is that you ended the relationship and I’d really like to thank you for sharing this because there is someone out there shopping for furniture and cabinets right now who desperately needed to hear what you went through. 
     The sad part of this situation is that his threats of suicide are clearly tactics he uses to manipulate people.  This is sad because there are people out there who really are suicidal and they might not get help because of people like this.  I have some advice and that is to document all the crazy you can.  One blogger who has experienced a similar situation as the very first sentence in her blog states that;

“Self-harm and suicide threats are amongst the most terrifying

 – and effective – manipulation tactics in an abuser’s toolkit.”

AvalancheOfTheSoul

     When he sends random threats of suicide call the police or the National Suicide Prevention Helpline at 1-800-273-8255.  Moreover, continue to go no contact with this emotional blackmailer!  It’s going to be tough but move, change your number, change your job, or leave the planet just don’t go back! 

 I don’t know if the guy is a sociopath but he is clearly disordered!  I'm pretty sure he is using an app that can send a text and make it look like it came from another phone number. I wouldn’t doubt if the ex-wife who called wasn’t him with one of those voice changing apps.  

What do we know about this guy? 1. He has (might have) a wife and kids.  The “ex” is up for debate at this point.  Hell the whole previous marriage is up for debate in my book.  2.  He lied about buying an entire house to the point that you were out shopping for furniture and found out by seeing another family moving in.  3. He threatened suicide and then had a phone call made to you so you would know.  4. He pretended to be his mother and sent you text messages telling you that he was dead as a form of emotional revenge.  I would say that would qualify him as being an experienced abuser who is a master of mind manipulation and emotional blackmail.
  I would go no contact, change your number, and get into trauma therapy. Again, thank you for sharing as I’m sure this will really help someone out there!  Good luck to you on your healing journey!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Mirror Mirror"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Now I have a somewhat unusual question about this... My friend Thadd a good friend of mine for years says I have this ability when I meet new people. I can have a mirror personality. When I first meet them and explore the new social dynamic I don't act like myself. I act like and 'become' them for a short period of time. This also isn't, at least isn't always, something I do consciously. I personally think of it as a method of learning more about different people and perspectives in life. However, could this be perhaps mildly.... psychopathic behavior?

Sincerely,

“Thadd’s Friend”

Dear "Friend",

     Actually your question isn’t that unusual at all.  In fact, most people who have had some kind of involvement with a narcissist or psychopath spend vast amounts of time analyzing their own behavior and then asking themselves; “Am I the psychopath?”  Let me break this down for you many of the traits displayed by narcissists and psychopaths are normal human behaviors but the difference is the way these behaviors are used and why.  I would have to say you are not a psychopath because you came here to ask if you are a psychopath.  Psychopaths do not spend time analyzing their own behavior.  Psychopaths spend vast amounts of time analyzing YOUR behavior and in return they make you irrationally paranoid of normal things you might do.  If anything, I would start asking myself, “Is Thadd the psychopath because he is so overly focused on my behavior?” 

            The important thing to pay attention to is why you are doing this or even if you are doing it excessively as Thadd has stated.  Don’t get me wrong, mirroring is a HUGE red flag that someone could be an emotional predator but all people mirror others especially when we like those people!  We don’t have to think about it.  We are humans and this is what we do not only when we like someone we first meet but also so they like us!  The difference between this normal mirroring and a disordered mirroring is intention.  You would need to focus on your own patterns of behavior.  Are you getting really close to people too quickly and then when that initial high of a new friendship or relationship wears off do you throw that person away?  Do you have long relationships with others?  Are you mirroring people in order to gain information about who they are so that you can use that information to manipulate them into using them?  I’m going to go out on a limb here and think perhaps you are doing this because you are honestly trying to form relationships with these people.

            Further, it takes a lot more than just mirroring to be a psychopath.  What it all boils down to is your intention, actions throughout the relationship, ability to empathize with other, and the list goes on.  If you really think you are a psychopath after running through the checklist of psychopathic traits and tendencies then I would start to worry.  In the meantime, I’d watch my friend Thadd because one thing these personality types do is point out your “flaws” in order to later destroy you.  Have a great day and good luck figuring out the situation!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems, “Lost in South Africa”

Dear Narcissist Problems,

I need your advice because I am desperate. I met my pervert narcissist on Facebook when I was in the UK and then I moved to South Africa (he is Congolese but lived in Cape Town). We had a long distance relationship for 4 months and I felt that he was my soul mate (he used to say that as well). He threatened me twice to break up with me but I was stupid and I went to Cape Town. We stayed together for 1 year and now since January 2015 we are in UK.
Everything was fast. We got married 1 year after we met and it was a nightmare: threats, lies, manipulation, silence treatment....
Since last June I started the divorce process and now he said to me that he realized every mistakes he made, he wants to change, he booked 1 appointment per week with a psychologist... lots of nice promises. I left him last Sunday because I want a new job so I told him that I needed a 4 month break to think and I will postpone the divorce. So now I am in London and he is in Manchester and he is still harassing me with his promises and talk to me for hours telling me that he will prove himself... he wants me to postpone the divorce process so he can keep his job because we are not married for 3 years. I don’t think he can change. When he knew I will divorce and received my petition, he changed everything on his behavior. It was too quick and not credible for me. Too much!
I don’t know what to think.
I really need your help as it’s a new life for me in London but he is still on my mind trying to convince me to stop the divorce because he is sure he can change.

Thank you!

Sincerely,

“Lost in South Africa”

Dear “Lost”,

     While rushing into a relationship with someone who immediately calls you a soul mate is a red flag of a narcissistic relationship without more detail I can’t be too sure that you are married to a narcissist.  After reading this I am under the impression that this man is going to be getting some type of Visa through your marriage as he wouldn’t be able to work in the UK without being married for 3 years?  If this is the case and you were not aware that he would be gaining a Visa through your marriage then it seems that he is using you for this purpose.  You mentioned that he booked appointments to see a psychologist but did not mention if he was actually attending those appointments.  When dealing with manipulators it is always important to consider their actions before believing a single word that comes out of their mouths!  From what you wrote here this man wants to work on the relationship but do you?  I agree that the marriage may have happened rather quickly and was formed on the basis of lust rather than a real connection or commitment.  It takes time to form trust and bonds with people.  It also takes time to really get to know others especially if that person is someone who you plan on spending the rest of your life with.  Whether this person is a narcissist or not it seems as if you may need time to consider exactly what you want out of a relationship and life.  This is your life and you should take all the time you need to figure the situation out.  I do not condone divorce but I do recommend that you use this relationship as a learning experience if you divorce or if you stay.  I guess the number one piece of advice I would give anyone is to give all your relationships time to form.  Moreover, really get to know the people before making commitments.  Too often when we share ourselves too quickly or are too giving and loving we can be taken advantage of.  It seems as if this may have happened to you but only you know exactly what is going on behind closed doors.  Never stay in an abusive relationship and if the contact with him is overwhelming and harassing document it in case you need it for court.  Ask that the behavior and contact be limited and if this request is ignored then ask him to stop any further contact.  If this request is ignored you might need to take legal action.  However, if you are telling him that you need a break because you too want to work on the relationship and not telling him that the contact is unwelcomed then you are also contributing to the problem here.  It is good to be very clear about our intentions in these situations.  Being passive is only going to make the situation worse and we can’t expect others to read our minds or between the lines and hope they get that they are not welcome in our lives.  Good luck to you!  I wish I could give you a step by step guide to figure the whole situation out but I can’t.  This is going to take some soul searching and you are the only one who can do that. 

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems "Wendy"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Is it possible to ask for some advice and remain anonymous?

Does anyone have any information about Peter Pan syndrome and manic depression? I have researched as much as I can. But I'm really not sure if PPS is a narcissist? Thank you

Sincerely,

“Wendy”

Dear “Wendy”,

     This is a great question!  When I first opened this question and the details were lacking my first thought was “What in the world is Wendy even asking and why?!?”  Then I thought about it for a minute and it makes a lot of sense to be asking this question.  My own narcissist was a woman but I gave it some thought and even she may have suffered a bit from a Peter Pan type Syndrome.  Let me be clear, my narcissist was my mother.  Aside from her grand ability to manipulate, triangulate, and con people she always behaved as a small child.  I think she may have worked a total of two weeks in her life and she expected everyone she came into contact with to care for her needs.  I mean the woman had me cleaning her house by the time I was 5 and I even learned how to fold laundry around 4.  The older I got the more I noticed that she was utterly unable to care for herself.  Other than making sure she was wearing makeup and her hair was curled the burden of her needs was placed on her alcoholic 2^nd husband and her children, well me, so one of her children.  She would even speak like a little girl and laugh like a little girl usually when she was trying to be “cute” aka to manipulate or con someone.  If you think about it all people are narcissists to a degree when we are young but most of us grow out of our self-centeredness when we are children. 

 Your question sent me on a quest for answers.  Even though I’m pretty sure these two can be related I’d like to see what experts have to say.  I found an article written by Victoria L. Godwin from Prairie View A&M University in the journal of Interactions: Studies in Communication & Culture titled “Never grow old, never die’: Vampires, narcissism, and simulacra” that might be able to answer some questions for us.  While this article mainly focuses on vampires and narcissistic fantasies is stated that “whereas vampirism arrests physical ageing, the Peter Pan syndrome arrests emotional maturation.  Children never grow up, and their continued dependence never reminds parents of ageing, death, and replacement by new generations.”(Godwin 2011).  So while this article is not specifically discussing Peter Pan syndrome being linked with Narcissistic Personality Disorder there does seem to be a connection.  Perhaps this connection is involved with the child’s stunted growth by their own narcissistic personality disordered parents.  Moreover, perhaps this display of childlikeness is actually a lure used by a predator in sheep’s clothing.  Another statement made in this article was that “the fear of death takes on new intensity in a society that has deprived itself of religion and shows little interest in posterity” (Godwin 2011).  Even though they are referring to vampires in this article it does make sense when speaking of an adult narcissist who is displaying characteristics of having Peter Pan syndrome too.  The relationship between Peter Pan and Wendy is also similar to what we see when women are dating or married to a Narcissist.  The person in a relationship with the narcissist ends up responsible for the emotional and many times financial needs of their partner.  Godwin noted that when

“Dan Kiley writes about the Peter Pan syndrome (1983) wherein men refuse to grow up, and the Wendy dilemma of women who mother and otherwise take care of men they are convinced are unable to take care of themselves (1984). Whereas vampirism arrests physical ageing and preserves physical youth, the Peter Pan syndrome arrests emotional maturation and preserves a narcissistic adolescent condition of irresponsibility, rebellion and self-centeredness.”(2011).    

And this is what happens in a relationship with any narcissist whether we are taking care of them emotionally, financially, or both.  I hope this answered some questions for you as I’m not really sure what you have read on this subject so far but from my opinion yes I do believe that narcissism can be related to the Peter Pan syndrome.  Good luck to you and if you have any further questions please feel free to write in!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Godwin, V. L. (2011). 'Never grow old, never die': Vampires, narcissism and simulacra. Interactions: Studies In Communication & Culture, 3(1), 91-106. doi:10.1386/iscc.3.1.91_1

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Dating Corporal Shithead"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Curious if one who is diagnosed in past as passive/aggressive disorder now classified as personally disorder also may exhibit narcissistic tendencies? I have been dating a man/former Marine not involved in front line tactics. But in administrative position. Nothing against them as my Dad was also a Marine Vet, but they receive/conditioned with a very superior almost arrogant mentality. A lot of times when we have a disagreement he twists the situation /my words around blatantly like a pretzel and when I call him on it to defend what I said/meant he dismisses my explanation/feelings. Such as, "You always want to start an argument and bitch!" Most of the time it happens when we have been drinking. He doesn't drink/ smoke every day, but when he does it is binge drinking. When he is sober he needles me and is quick to point out what he considers are flaws. We don't live together, but have different routines. He goes to bed and rises early. If I stay over and happen to sleep until 8/8:30 he sometimes acts like I slept the day away. I tell him just because we have different routines doesn't mean I am not also productive. I have told him before l don't need a dad. And when I feel like he is "lining” me out that the code is my reply is, "Alright Gunny!" A figure of speech about a Marine drill sergeant. I also have said just because we do things differently doesn't mean one way is right and the other is wrong. We both have been divorced for quite a while and thus being independent for so long and each having our own routines/ways doesn't make it easy. But I feel that's when compromise comes into play. Sometimes he agrees and other times he just walks away and does other things. We go for a month or two and have a disagreement or I say something he doesn't like I get the silent treatment for a few days to a week.

Sincerely,

“Dating Corporal Shithead”

Dear “Dating Corporal Shithead”,

I wonder if the better question would actually be can someone with narcissistic personality disorder have been accidentally diagnosed as passive aggressive.  We are referring to people who use gas lighting as a form of manipulation of our realities.  So it isn’t too much of a stretch to notice a lot of narcissists are also passive aggressive.  I’m assuming because of the plausible deniability of passive aggression.  It’s easy for passive aggressive to be left open to assumption.  It’s also easy for a narcissist to say “You are misinterpreting what I did or said because I didn’t mean it that way”, even when they know full well they meant it that way!  The silent treatment is actually one of the number one tactics a narcissist will use to put you in your place.  To show their disapproval of your behavior they will literally just ignore you or the topic until you submit to whatever their requested behavior or ideas were. 

In the fall of 2013, there was an article written about the passive aggressive conflict cycle written by Signe Whitson where she states “Persons who are passively aggressive can provoke angry responses in another while not overtly appearing to be aggressive themselves.”(Whitson 2013).  This is very important to understand as Narcissists are notorious crazy makers.  Signe then went on to identify the five stages of passive aggressive conflict while emphasizing the only way to avoid a conflict is to understand the passive aggressive conflict cycle.  The five stages are as follows; Stage 1: The Self-Concept & Irrational Beliefs of the Passive Aggressive Person which explains that a passive aggressive person has been raised to avoid displaying anger because doing so is dangerous.  I’m not going to go into too much detail on Stage one because from my perspective it is irrelevant because most people would refuse to put in the work to change their behavior in the first place.  In other words, it’s pointless to explore why he would feel that expressing anger is dangerous. 

Stage two is The Stressful Event where the passive aggressive becomes the victim because they are asked to do something.  This can be seen when he stated that "You always want to start an argument and bitch!”  He feels as though you are picking on him for bringing up valid points of his bad behavior or expressing things in the relationship that displeases you. 

Stage 3, and here comes a very relevant fact; The Passive Aggressive Person’s Feelings “The passive aggressive person has learned over the years to defend against his angry feelings by denying them and projecting them onto others.”(Whitson 2013).  I found stage three pretty interesting since Narcissists are also Notorious for projecting all their negative feelings and behaviors onto their victims.

 Now here is where you might want to take notes, Stage 4: The passive aggressive Person’s Behavior.  Here it is stated that “The behavior of most passive aggressive individuals is both purposeful and intentional.  What is more, the passive aggressive person derives genuine pleasure out of frustrating others to get someone else to act out his or her anger.  So essentially Corporal shithead is pushing your buttons on purpose with the sole purpose of watching you explode in anger or rage.  They do this by, “Denying feelings of anger, withdrawing and sulking (silent treatment), procrastinating, carrying out tasks inefficiently or unacceptably, and exacting hidden revenge.”(Whitson 2013). 

Finally, we come to Stage 5: The Reactions of Others.  In this stage the passive aggressive waits for the expected reaction and then claims victimhood of your anger or frustration.  It is important to see this behavior and be able to identify it so the next time your buttons start to be pushed when he is constantly keeping track of your daily schedule you are aware that he is seeking your negative reaction. 

Honestly, after reading this article it seems that passive aggressive behavior might actually go hand in hand with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Obviously I’m not a doctor but it’s all right there in black and white.  I hope this helps to answer some questions for you.  As to your situation I have my own question to ask; “How long do you want to be treated this way and deal with the drama?”  Good luck on your healing journey!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Reference

Whitson, S. (2013). The Passive Aggressive Conflict Cycle. Reclaiming Children & Youth, 22(3), 24-27.

Dear Narcissist Problems: "Enlightened"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

I work with the local domestic violence advocacy group to help my children and I deal with their father and my ex. Our counsellors have expressed that in the addition to his abuse he displays behavior characterized by narcissistic personally disorder. Of course, they cannot make an official diagnosis without him as their client, but from books I have read to help cope there may as well be a picture of him. I stumbled across this sight yesterday and I can't believe how your posts and statements hit the nail on the head. It's a struggle to deal with this and seeing your posts brings some relief knowing I'm not losing my mind and there are people out there like this. I just wish law enforcement and child protection groups could be more educated in recognizing this type of behavior. The narcissistic is adept at putting on the act and getting away with crime. Thank you.

Regards,

“Enlightened”

Dear “Enlightened”,

            I would like to say Kudos to your local Domestic Violence Advocacy group because they even considered that you could be being abused by a narcissist!  Give those women and men a medal!  As you have probably realized by now you are one of the very few people who found their way without doing that infamous google search looking for answers.  This is exactly why I do what I do here because not many people do know or have heard of Narcissistic Abuse.  This traps victims in situations of abuse for YEARS because they start to believe the problem really is them after years of the narcissist eroding their self-esteem and perception of reality.  Sana Loue, J.D., Ph.D., M.P.H., wrote an article on the legal implications of emotional and psychological abuse which stated; “Emotional abuse, a label often used synonymously with the terms emotional maltreatment, psychological battering, psychological abuse, and soul murder, has been called “the most elusive and damaging of all types of maltreatment for a child” and represents “the core issue and most destructive factor across all types of child abuse and neglect” (Loue 2005).  Here we have one of the most destructive forms of abuse and there is little recognition of it in the healthcare field or legal systems.  The article further illustrates that “The very elusiveness, however, of the identification of emotional and psychological abuse casts doubt on the accuracy of available data relating to its occurrence, and it is likely that the incidence and prevalence of such abuse are subject to significant underreporting”(Loue 2005).  So not only is this type of abuse very difficult to identify victims are also not reporting it.  The ones who have reported it are left feeling disbelieved, discouraged, and shattered.  This is how and why many of us in this community have reached out into the public to share our stories and offer support to others living through hell.

 I know you didn’t really ask a question but you said something that I would really like to highlight “seeing your posts brings some relief knowing I'm not losing my mind and there are people out there like this. I just wish law enforcement and child protection groups could be more educated in recognizing this type of behavior.” (Enlightened 2016).  Dealing with a narcissist we know they will destroy our lives and the way in which they do it leaves us looking insane, unstable, irrational, and the list goes on.  While we try to maintain any resemblance of being the normal rational human beings we are once a narcissist gets their hands on someone who has control over your life such as a lawyer, police officer, or judge it usually means game over for us.  Some of us have watched our therapists be manipulated against us through couples counseling and then that same therapist will be utilized for court.  Some narcissists will call child protective services on us and then play the role of caring adult in our children’s lives to manipulate the state against us resulting in the loss of our children. It was seen that “definitional issues further compound the difficulties associated with the identification, documentation, prosecution, and prevention of emotional and psychological abuse” (Loue 2005).  It’s no wonder that nothing is being done in the legal field to prosecute abusers and protect victims as we can’t expect laws to be written when there is no clear definition on what it means to have your soul murdered.

 What is my point here?  It is essential that when you find out what narcissistic abuse is and that you have been abused you need to spread awareness of this type of abuse.  More than that, as many of us do, go out of our ways to support each other when we see a victim getting abused further by people in positions of power or authority because they don’t fully understand or recognize what emotional or psychological abuse looks like.  You will see many survivors going to court to show support, campaigning for funds for court cases, starting petitions, or simply blogging to get the word out.  It’s imperative that we take on this responsibility, when ready, so that narcissists do not get away with their crimes.  You do not need a special degree or a certification to become an advocate for victims of Narcissistic Abuse.  All that you need is your voice, your story, and your passion.  The more who get involved with this effort the sooner we will see legislation and policies being passed that not only recognize this type of abuse but also the prosecution of the abusers.  The way to do this is to just get out there and get involved by finding and joining others with a similar cause which is typically experience specific.  Good luck to you on your healing journey!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

 Reference

Loue, S. (2005). Redefining the emotional and psychological abuse and maltreatment of children: legal implications. Journal Of Legal Medicine, 26(3), 311-337 27p.

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Parental Concerns"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Hey I'm really struggling with my narc at the moment.  He walked away from our child for 2 years for a woman and when it suited him ( because they had broken up ) he wanted my son in his life again I struggled for months with this I know what he's capable of he has emotionally traumatized my wee boy. The only reason I let him is because I used to have a serious drinking problem but am 3 years sober now and I could see how I was guilty of a lot myself like: played games, I provoked him purposely, I would always go back to him not that that excused his behavior.  He was cold, nasty, and unhuman towards me and my children but I can see my part.  Since getting sober I have learned to be healthy and have boundaries and good people around me and I have my faith so I thought since I had changed maybe he could too.  This went against everything I knew about narcs but 2 years and my son was still crying every night for dad so I let him back but with very strict boundaries and the last several months he has been good. He still tries to play games and snarky comments and mind games and the flirting despite him having a new gf but I shut it down n don't play into it.  This weekend after having 2 sick kids all week he had my son stay and started playing games with refusing to go get him medicine or letting me bring any over...eventually he did but he wound me up for a hour thinking my son was going to go without while he was sick and he loved that he got a reaction. I had sensed it was driving him nuts not being able to get a reaction for so long when I used to be so predictable so I think he knew how exhausted I was and jumped on his chance. Nobody I talk to understands why this has upset me so much but it's because I can see he's still exactly the same cold narcissist he's always been. Using my child's wellbeing to get a reaction from me it brought up all the stuff he's done to us in past. I try to not judge him on the past but it's hard. Everyone I've spoken to keeps saying no matter what he's still his father he has a right to have overnight access but after that I don't want to send him I wouldn't stop it completely that would mess with my boy but I don't want him there overnight by himself.  It reminded me I don't trust him with our child despite a few months of ok behavior I know who he is.  I desperately need advice on what I should do? There's no custody agreement as he walked away for so long so balls in my court. I want my son to have a dad but I'm scared of the damage it's doing by me giving him chance after chance. I get what others are saying that he needs to learn to be a dad and be patient but do narcs actually love their kids? Am I doing serious damage letting this man in his life?

Sincerely,

“Parental Concerns”

Dear “Concerned”,

            I’m really glad you threw in that last part about there not being a custody agreement because that was my first question.  Nobody wants to be a parental alienator.  Further, you have no control over his decision to abandon your child’s life.  You have no control over this man’s manipulative behavior either.  I would immediately stop any unsupervised visits until there is a court order in place.  I would also urge against overnight visits at all.  This man has been absent from your child’s life for years.  While yes he needs to “learn how to parent” it is not your job to teach him or your child’s duty to be a guinea pig.  Your past mistakes are mute at this point.  You have taken the steps to make your life right and are working on yourself to become a better person and to have a positive role in your life.  Stop the visits and site the withholding of medication as a sole reason.  If you did something like this the government would have your ass in court for medical neglect in a heartbeat, especially if something bad happened to the child as a result of the medicine being withheld.  Here is the thing, we are not psychic…or doctors.  We are mothers who are put into place to look after the best interest of our children.  You could not know if the withholding of medicine would seriously harm your child.  At this point, every encounter this man has with your child is evidence for a judge that he has a relationship with said child.  It’s not that you are trying to prevent this man from being a father.  What you need to do is get a court order in place that will allow this transition to take place safely.  Your goal is to have your child build a healthy and stable relationship with his father.  However, manipulating you so early on is a huge red flag that you need to ignore all of the advice you are receiving and head straight into a court.  Good Luck to you and stand firm!  No more unsupervised visits until this man proves he is capable of having them.  It’s one thing to ask for supervised visits for a father who has always been there for his child.  It’s quite another to give unsupervised visits to a known abuser who abandon the child for years.  Stand strong and call the police if you need to.  I would have called the police the minute he started playing games with the child’s health.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems