Showing posts with label disappearing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label disappearing. Show all posts

May 7, 2016

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Parental Concerns"


Dear Narcissist Problems,

Hey I'm really struggling with my narc at the moment.  He walked away from our child for 2 years for a woman and when it suited him ( because they had broken up ) he wanted my son in his life again I struggled for months with this I know what he's capable of he has emotionally traumatized my wee boy. The only reason I let him is because I used to have a serious drinking problem but am 3 years sober now and I could see how I was guilty of a lot myself like: played games, I provoked him purposely, I would always go back to him not that that excused his behavior.  He was cold, nasty, and unhuman towards me and my children but I can see my part.  Since getting sober I have learned to be healthy and have boundaries and good people around me and I have my faith so I thought since I had changed maybe he could too.  This went against everything I knew about narcs but 2 years and my son was still crying every night for dad so I let him back but with very strict boundaries and the last several months he has been good. He still tries to play games and snarky comments and mind games and the flirting despite him having a new gf but I shut it down n don't play into it.  This weekend after having 2 sick kids all week he had my son stay and started playing games with refusing to go get him medicine or letting me bring any over...eventually he did but he wound me up for a hour thinking my son was going to go without while he was sick and he loved that he got a reaction. I had sensed it was driving him nuts not being able to get a reaction for so long when I used to be so predictable so I think he knew how exhausted I was and jumped on his chance. Nobody I talk to understands why this has upset me so much but it's because I can see he's still exactly the same cold narcissist he's always been. Using my child's wellbeing to get a reaction from me it brought up all the stuff he's done to us in past. I try to not judge him on the past but it's hard. Everyone I've spoken to keeps saying no matter what he's still his father he has a right to have overnight access but after that I don't want to send him I wouldn't stop it completely that would mess with my boy but I don't want him there overnight by himself.  It reminded me I don't trust him with our child despite a few months of ok behavior I know who he is.  I desperately need advice on what I should do? There's no custody agreement as he walked away for so long so balls in my court. I want my son to have a dad but I'm scared of the damage it's doing by me giving him chance after chance. I get what others are saying that he needs to learn to be a dad and be patient but do narcs actually love their kids? Am I doing serious damage letting this man in his life?

Sincerely,

“Parental Concerns”


Dear “Concerned”,

            I’m really glad you threw in that last part about there not being a custody agreement because that was my first question.  Nobody wants to be a parental alienator.  Further, you have no control over his decision to abandon your child’s life.  You have no control over this man’s manipulative behavior either.  I would immediately stop any unsupervised visits until there is a court order in place.  I would also urge against overnight visits at all.  This man has been absent from your child’s life for years.  While yes he needs to “learn how to parent” it is not your job to teach him or your child’s duty to be a guinea pig.  Your past mistakes are mute at this point.  You have taken the steps to make your life right and are working on yourself to become a better person and to have a positive role in your life.  Stop the visits and site the withholding of medication as a sole reason.  If you did something like this the government would have your ass in court for medical neglect in a heartbeat, especially if something bad happened to the child as a result of the medicine being withheld.  Here is the thing, we are not psychic…or doctors.  We are mothers who are put into place to look after the best interest of our children.  You could not know if the withholding of medicine would seriously harm your child.  At this point, every encounter this man has with your child is evidence for a judge that he has a relationship with said child.  It’s not that you are trying to prevent this man from being a father.  What you need to do is get a court order in place that will allow this transition to take place safely.  Your goal is to have your child build a healthy and stable relationship with his father.  However, manipulating you so early on is a huge red flag that you need to ignore all of the advice you are receiving and head straight into a court.  Good Luck to you and stand firm!  No more unsupervised visits until this man proves he is capable of having them.  It’s one thing to ask for supervised visits for a father who has always been there for his child.  It’s quite another to give unsupervised visits to a known abuser who abandon the child for years.  Stand strong and call the police if you need to.  I would have called the police the minute he started playing games with the child’s health.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

August 2, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems "Flew the Coup"


Dear Narcissist Problems,

I need some advice.  I am in the middle of a divorce with my abuser and he has essentially "romanced" everyone I know into thinking that I am the wrong doer. He is so suave in that way that he has convinced my attorney that I have done wrong. I'm not sure what do or if there is some way that I could point my attorney to the "idea" of my abusers narcissistic ways without coming across as slandering him.  He has convinced everyone including my attorney, (somehow) that I had an affair and that I left for no reason. Everyone thinks our life was "perfect" and because I'm on disability for several mood disorders, he has my attorney convinced that I am out of my mind. He continues to track my cell phone (though my carrier is not sure how he keeps doing it).  He used me as a tool to abuse my son who is now almost 20. And though my son hated him over the last 12 years he has now turned his back on me and sides with my husband who is not his biological father.  I always tried to defend my son and stick up for him. But my husband would wear me down with constant arguments telling me how bad of a mother I was and if I didn't listen my son would turn out to be a "hood rat" as he called it.  He used to be a deputy in a neighboring county and I found out recently that he was fired because he lied on his application.  I tried to hide in another state and had all of my records redacted so that he would not know my location. But he told my attorney exactly where I live. That's how I found out he has been tracking my phone.  I guess my attorney now assumes that I'm loopy and told him where I was going. We were together for 12 years and I was placed on disability 10 years ago. Update: I've reached out to my attorney and had a little heart to heart with him. I guess I just jumped the gun on his responses to me. He was very understanding and said that his suggestion to settle for less was an effort to keep me from having to endure anymore emotional trauma. He had seen how drastic my demeanor/behavior changed when being faced with my ex-husband (soon to be ex-husband). He knew I had been through some bad things with my ex.

Sincerely,

“Flew the Coup”

Dear “Flew the Coup”,

     I’m glad to hear everything turned out well with your attorney but have you considered possibly getting a consult with a few other attorneys to see what they say?  It is a conflict of interest if your soon to be Ex is having conversations about you with your attorney.  I’m glad to hear that things are coming to a close for you. As for your son, there is not much you can do about the situation because he is an adult so all you can do is respect his decision.  I wouldn’t even bring it up in conversation because that will make you look like the bad guy.  Try your best to leave him out of it.  Narcissists are masters of manipulation and I wouldn’t doubt if he was buying your sons support or simply making up lies and passing them off as truth.  I found that when you are in the midst of a smear campaign there is little you can do to protect yourself from the gossip because people rarely ask for your version.  Keep documenting the crazy and file police reports if need be.  I would contact your local court house and see a victims advocate about the E-stalking.  In my own experience, the police won’t do much unless you have been harmed even if you have a P.O. against the nut case.  The good news is that laws are beginning to change and this type of harassment is starting to become more recognized.  You just might get lucky and find someone who is willing to step up to the plate and help you protect yourself against electronic stalking.  The first steps I would take is throwing that cell phone in the garbage and getting a prepaid with no paper trail back to you.  Get a P.O. Box and just wait it out.  I would love to help more with the electronic stalking but I’m finding myself in the same situation where nobody will help unless they show up on my doorstep.  It’s amazing to me because we get stalking orders so that our stalkers stop following us and tormenting us but we find little protection when they find our locations electronically and just have to wait in fear until they show up.  If any of the readers does have a stalking order and police took electronic violations seriously please message the page and let us know what happened!  Good Luck to you!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

June 17, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems "Questions"



Dear Narcissist Problems,
Question; what kind of man will abruptly leave his family with no explanation. Ignore them, give them the silent treatment. Blame you for everything. And appear to either be cheating, on drugs, or doing something sketchy. And when he comes back around and tries to work on things, will say that it was because he was at a breaking point and that's the only way he knew how to get his families (wife, kids) attention, and that's the only way he knew how to do it. And will apologize and say he's sorry, and he was stupid, etc. Especially if this is out of his character and it's something he's never done and you know /thought he would never do. What causes this, and why is his "truth" so complicated? I thought that lies were complicated, and the truth was supposed to be simple, no? Is this just further part of his manipulation, or is he really sorry and was just being prideful the whole time he was gone, or was he really doing something sketchy and is just not going to admit it or tell us what it was? I've searched passive aggressive behavior and this seeks to fit completely. He seems to withhold covert anger. Also, what kind of childhood causes this, I mean what do your parents have to do to you to make you this way? Or is it even his childhood or something else. I'm just confused and don't understand why someone would be completely fine and have a great life with his family for multiple years on end, then one day just break and vanish...and leave his family abandoned without basic necessities, then say that he thought we would at least have someone else to care for us, or he thought that was the best thing to do. Is this a narcissist?
Sincerely,
“Questions”

Dear “Questions”,
      The short answer is yes that is exactly what a narcissist does. Either that or he has a really interesting hobby that he is embarrassed to tell you about; like sitting alone in the bathtub with a duck caller and live ducks who he has made family.  It is possible your husband wishes he was a duck and has adopted a family of ducks to provide a sense of belonging.  Don’t be surprised if this is something he tells you someday or he is a narcissist.  I'll leave it up to you to decide based on all the facts you know that I don't.  I could leave it at that but, of course, I won’t. So here is the long answer:  A narcissist will regularly disappear for days or weeks.  You will want to assume that the narcissist has a drug addiction but don’t be surprised if they have a whole other family!  Other humans, be it a wife or children, are merely supply or feeding grounds for this personality type.  The sooner you wise up and create some boundaries with this emotional vampire the better for you and the children.  Do you know who leaves just to get attention?  Children, and you might find that dealing with your husband is very similar to dealing with a toddler.  They feel ignored so they will make you feel ignored.  You take their candy then they will take yours.  You pushed him down so they will dig a hole and bury you in it.  Most of the time these slights are imagined and you simply are not adoring this savior as much as they would like.  So they discard you and find someone who will feed their waning ego and then return.  Literally, think of it as being married to a vampire.  Once they suck your blood dry and you are almost dead they will have to leave you alone to restock your blood supply.  In the meantime, they are still hungry so they go off to feed on blood elsewhere until that blood runs dry.  It’s an unending cycle of vampirism in the form of soul drainage instead of blood.  The only constant in meals, however, is probably you and your children.  If the only way he knew how to get his own families attention was to disappear ask him to seek therapy but whatever you do, don’t let this continue.  It is toxic, unhealthy, and the black mold of life.  It is not ok for you and it is not ok for your children.  You do not deserve this and your children do not deserve this.  They say that narcissism breeds in families and it sounds like his family is a nest of narcissists.  Honestly, have you met his family?  I grew up with a narcissist but it didn’t make me that way.  Guess what,  my narcissist was that way and blamed their parents…but their parents weren’t that way.  Narcissists love to play the role of victim especially if it gets them out of trouble!!  That is what they do.  Yes, the truth would be easier but the truth takes courage.  These people do not have courage and they enjoy their lies because their lies keep you confused and feeling sorry for them.  They enjoy hurting us.  It doesn’t matter if they were born this way or if they were raised this way the only thing that matters is that you understand that this behavior will never change.  Do not try to reason with him, do not ask for explanations, and do not beg.  Know this; if you do not create and enforce boundaries then he will trample all of your boundaries until you have none left.  Until your children have none left.  Hurting you is as stimulating as a crack addiction and he will always want more.  The thing to remember is that, with any drug, a person builds a tolerance and will always need a higher dose over time.  The pain he creates for your family will only increase with time as well.  The sooner you understand this the better.  Get away from him, tell him his behavior is unacceptable because it is, and document his behavior well because you will need it in court someday.  You have sympathy and are empathetic and he is counting on those qualities to get the best of you, so don’t let him.  Stay strong and good luck to you!
Regards,
Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems "Questions"



Dear Narcissist Problems,
Question; what kind of man will abruptly leave his family with no explanation. Ignore them, give them the silent treatment. Blame you for everything. And appear to either be cheating, on drugs, or doing something sketchy. And when he comes back around and tries to work on things, will say that it was because he was at a breaking point and that's the only way he knew how to get his families (wife, kids) attention, and that's the only way he knew how to do it. And will apologize and say he's sorry, and he was stupid, etc. Especially if this is out of his character and it's something he's never done and you know /thought he would never do. What causes this, and why is his "truth" so complicated? I thought that lies were complicated, and the truth was supposed to be simple, no? Is this just further part of his manipulation, or is he really sorry and was just being prideful the whole time he was gone, or was he really doing something sketchy and is just not going to admit it or tell us what it was? I've searched passive aggressive behavior and this seeks to fit completely. He seems to withhold covert anger. Also, what kind of childhood causes this, I mean what do your parents have to do to you to make you this way? Or is it even his childhood or something else. I'm just confused and don't understand why someone would be completely fine and have a great life with his family for multiple years on end, then one day just break and vanish...and leave his family abandoned without basic necessities, then say that he thought we would at least have someone else to care for us, or he thought that was the best thing to do. Is this a narcissist?
Sincerely,
“Questions”

Dear “Questions”,
      The short answer is yes that is exactly what a narcissist does. Either that or he has a really interesting hobby that he is embarrassed to tell you about; like sitting alone in the bathtub with a duck caller and live ducks who he has made family.  It is possible your husband wishes he was a duck and has adopted a family of ducks to provide a sense of belonging.  Don’t be surprised if this is something he tells you someday or he is a narcissist.  I'll leave it up to you to decide based on all the facts you know that I don't.  I could leave it at that but, of course, I won’t. So here is the long answer:  A narcissist will regularly disappear for days or weeks.  You will want to assume that the narcissist has a drug addiction but don’t be surprised if they have a whole other family!  Other humans, be it a wife or children, are merely supply or feeding grounds for this personality type.  The sooner you wise up and create some boundaries with this emotional vampire the better for you and the children.  Do you know who leaves just to get attention?  Children, and you might find that dealing with your husband is very similar to dealing with a toddler.  They feel ignored so they will make you feel ignored.  You take their candy then they will take yours.  You pushed him down so they will dig a hole and bury you in it.  Most of the time these slights are imagined and you simply are not adoring this savior as much as they would like.  So they discard you and find someone who will feed their waning ego and then return.  Literally, think of it as being married to a vampire.  Once they suck your blood dry and you are almost dead they will have to leave you alone to restock your blood supply.  In the meantime, they are still hungry so they go off to feed on blood elsewhere until that blood runs dry.  It’s an unending cycle of vampirism in the form of soul drainage instead of blood.  The only constant in meals, however, is probably you and your children.  If the only way he knew how to get his own families attention was to disappear ask him to seek therapy but whatever you do, don’t let this continue.  It is toxic, unhealthy, and the black mold of life.  It is not ok for you and it is not ok for your children.  You do not deserve this and your children do not deserve this.  They say that narcissism breeds in families and it sounds like his family is a nest of narcissists.  Honestly, have you met his family?  I grew up with a narcissist but it didn’t make me that way.  Guess what,  my narcissist was that way and blamed their parents…but their parents weren’t that way.  Narcissists love to play the role of victim especially if it gets them out of trouble!!  That is what they do.  Yes, the truth would be easier but the truth takes courage.  These people do not have courage and they enjoy their lies because their lies keep you confused and feeling sorry for them.  They enjoy hurting us.  It doesn’t matter if they were born this way or if they were raised this way the only thing that matters is that you understand that this behavior will never change.  Do not try to reason with him, do not ask for explanations, and do not beg.  Know this; if you do not create and enforce boundaries then he will trample all of your boundaries until you have none left.  Until your children have none left.  Hurting you is as stimulating as a crack addiction and he will always want more.  The thing to remember is that, with any drug, a person builds a tolerance and will always need a higher dose over time.  The pain he creates for your family will only increase with time as well.  The sooner you understand this the better.  Get away from him, tell him his behavior is unacceptable because it is, and document his behavior well because you will need it in court someday.  You have sympathy and are empathetic and he is counting on those qualities to get the best of you, so don’t let him.  Stay strong and good luck to you!
Regards,
Narcissist Problems

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