Narcissists are the parasites of the human race. Period.

When Loving a Parasitic Narcissist turns into anger, depression, and suicide

Dear Narcissist Problems,

        I read a lot of your posts and info and have to say I actually thought I was a narcissist because I did so many of the things that are posted. For two years I cried and cried and had massive anxiety attacks over my situation. I hunted for Answers, begged, pleaded, apologized and I found out many horrible nasty things that had been happening. I thought once I knew the truth I would be able to just get angry and be done, but no I wanted him to never forget me or how much I loved him and how much I had given of myself to stand by him, how doing so ruined my life.

     It consumed my every thought because I couldn't and don't understand how I sacrificed so much without thinking of myself to be loyal to him and how he could just disregard me like I never existed. He went no contact with me because I discovered what he was doing and told him. I honestly thought I was going crazy, I wanted to die and had wished someone would run into my car or I could sleep and never wake up. I became this person I never thought I was and I am deeply ashamed of my actions. He has moved away now and honestly for the first time in two years I feel better.

      I'm gutted because I thought he was my once in a lifetime, but did I really want that or did I just pursue it so much because I wanted him to be sorry and accountable for how he treated me? Yes I love him, probably always will, but it's unhealthy and a long road to recovery. How can a person control so much of what u think and feel? Three years together. Did not live together. I knew he had never been faithful to others. He asked me to take a chance on him so I did, I moved for him, I worked his business for him, and I was with him through mouth cancer losing his businesses going bankrupt and his ex taking everything.

     I was warned about him but really loved him and chose him above everything. I ended up unemployed and moved again. He just got distant and the calls stopped happening. I felt something was off because of different things showing up in his place, odd texts etc. he'd deny it and deny it. He changed my number in his phone to a guy’s number. Fuck I just gave up my life as I knew it to stand by this man I couldn't understand.

     He just kept telling me it was all about him he lost everything and I lost nothing. Panic attacks would happen over anything. I just needed to know answers and why. He moved in with Asian ladies and he advertised himself for sale and his sister had told me about other women while with me. I wanted to die. I wanted revenge so bad for all of this hurt I threatened him then I'd apologize. I'd cry, beg, and plead with him. Then I would get angry again in this big circle of emotions. I'd write and say the most horrible nasty things in text ……and text…… and text I couldn't let it go.

     I've apologized over and over and still cry every day I thought I was this really horrible person. It's been 2 years and since I found out he moved to another state I feel better but don't hate him in fact I still love him and that is what I get angry about. How could someone know how much you loved them, how much you sacrificed for them, and be so cruel and uncaring? Pretend you don't exist. Let you go without. I fed him, bought him things he needed, and shared all I had with him and chose him knowing every bad thing there was to know. I loved him when he had nothing. I loved him knowing he cheated and lied and sold himself.

       I'm sorry it's such a long story. He was the first man I ever completely trusted with all of me, the first man I wanted to hug, the very first person that I said I love you to first. The first person I was willing to do anything for and did. I actually went and seen a psychologist because I was all over the place. I really didn't want revenge I just wanted him to see how much I was hurting and to try and understand why he did these things when I chose him time and time again. My income has been cut in half and now I can barely afford to live. I had to sell anything I had of value. My whole world just gone for doing what I thought was right for the man I loved. That doesn't make me a bad person does it?

Sincerely,

“Devastated”

Dear Devastated,

     I’m glad that you wrote in and shared your experience. I really hope that you continue with therapy and also find support in groups. It is very normal to wonder if you are a narcissist after being in a relationship with one. The very fact that you are dissecting your entire personality points toward the fact that you probably are not one. Narcissists don’t typically spend time examining their own motives or behaviors instead they spend their time examining the behavior of everyone else especially if there is a problem.

Narcissists are parasitic humans

     Being depressed, anxious, and suicidal are also normal reactions to being abuse. Your anger is also very normal because you have been violated at a cellular level. You are angry at him and you are angry with yourself for allowing him to take advantage of and exploit you. Narcissists are parasitic humans, emotional vampires, and down- right criminal.

     The way parasitic narcissists abuse their victims causes them to slowly kill the target via suicide. At the end they can always say that they had nothing to do with your death and even use your suicide to gain sympathy for others. This is called murder by suicide and you can bet they planned on pushing you to the brink of self-destruction just as much as they planned to exploit you.

     The key to pushing past the anger you feel and eventually past your depression and suicidal thoughts is in forgiveness. You do not have to forgive him but you do need to forgive yourself. Researchers have found that “individuals who have experienced negative life events (such as abuse or trauma) may find themselves in a dysfunctional cycle in which the abuse activates maladaptive self-focused thoughts that make it difficult for them to experience forgiveness of self.

     You need to forgive yourself

      Self-forgiveness plays a very important role in adjustment, by disrupting maladjustment and allowing abused individuals to regain self-respect they may have lost after living with an abusive partner for an extended period of time (Band-Winterstein, Eisikovits, & Koren, 2011). Forgiving yourself is an essential part of healing after narcissistic abuse. You could not have known that you were dealing with a predator, none of us did. You are not to blame for trusting this person. Nothing in life could have prepared you for what you have been through. 

      Moreover, working toward forgiveness of self has been shown to help disrupt the common association between abuse and depressive and anxious symptoms. In order to move forward with your life you will need to do a lot of work on healing and forgiving yourself. Likewise, the questioning of you being a narcissist is normal in that your thoughts have become so self-focused after being abused. This research also found that when we don’t forgive ourselves that leaves us open to remain in abusive relationships whether we keep going back to the original abuser or we find a new relationship that is also abusive. 

 The CDC's definition of a parasite is “an organism that lives on or in a host organism and gets its food from or at the expense of its host.” Does this sound familiar to you? Now there are different types of protozoa that are considered infectious to humans and are divided into four groups which are irrelevant to this discussion because what is not listed on the CDC website is that of the Parasitic Human. For Humans we would rather have them diagnosed with a personality disorder instead of naming them for what they truly are. Parasites.

I suppose it could be argued that the human can’t be considered a parasite according to science because they don’t feed off of our blood or live inside our bodies. Human parasites take this a step further and they live off your soul and they feed on your brain and thoughts and if you spend enough time with them then your entire body will start to fall ill.

     Further, they will inject you with disease and then leave. T he fact that your parasitic ex-boyfriend also had multiple sexual partners and could have given you a STD that could have destroyed your entire reproductive system, your brain, or entire immune system via contracted viruses like HIV I have no clue as to why the human parasite is still not on this CDC list is beyond me. With this is mind I would say the human is the most destructive of all parasites.

     Narcissistic parasites love to bring up the fact that they have lost so much and you have lost nothing as if you deserved to lose something. As if losing everything is a competition or if you need to give more because they are lacking. Lucky for us I dug up an article that was published in the Association for Psychological Science in 2014 by Daniel N Jones of University of Texas in El Paso. The title of the article is Predatory Personalities as Behavioral Mimics and Parasites: Mimicry-Deception Theory and while it mainly focuses on financial predators it has some key implications for understanding your situation as well.

     In his research Jones made the comparison between human and non-human parasites and their common behaviors being “a nonhuman animal mimic is defined as an organism that, through various means of deception (e.g., behavioral, visual, and chemical), appears to possess certain characteristics but actually possesses different characteristics (Holling, 1965). A predatory mimic (or Mortenson mimic) is a nonhuman animal that uses such confusion for hunting prey (Wickler, 1968).” (Jones 2014). This is very much what the parasitic narcissist does when they initiate their relationships. They camoflage themselves to cover up the preditor they are and study and mimic you. They love all the things you love. If you like dinner theater, so do they! If you LOVE mystery novels, so do they! They typically spend the beginning of their relationships asking questions and listening to your responses. This makes them appear caring and interested in you as a person but what they are really doing is taking notes on ways to gain entrance into your life and then ways to later exploit or blackmail you.  The predatory and parasitic behaviors described in this research are used to gain something from the target or prey through the use of deception alone.

      Think back to when you met your Ex-boyfriend and he was mimicking your good qualities while absorbing them in order to become the perfect partner for you, your soulmate. However, he is not like you because this was his strategy to gain your trust so that he could go in for the kill and take advantage of you. He needed to find out what buttons to push to get what he wanted much like the key codes on a vending machine. For money then press G3 but if you want to bully into action then press B2 for tears press A1 and for a feeling of saftey then press C6. Make no mistake about it, they study their victims from the very beginning and if they feel you are slipping away then they will press the saftey button to get you to stay. If they press G3 for instant money and you refuse then they press B2.  Jones dissects this deceptive behavior as “mimicry complexity, resource extraction rate, host integration, and risk of detection.”(2014).

      In essence your ex had a long term goal in sight and that was to drain you of all of your resources with little detection from you of being or feeling used. When these people come into our lives they have very limited resources such as money and if they do have resources it is usually from conning their last victim. They will most likely have numerous potential victims hence the many girlfriends and sexual partners because to them its like fishing.

     The wider the net is cast out the more they can pull in and use or sell.  The key to your Ex’s success was with this “resource extraction rate”, he spent the time to gain your trust and he didn’t extract all of your resources at once as to alert you that you were being manipulated and used.

     Rest assured that some of the others that were caught in his net were used for short term needs and they were quickly used and then thrown back to sea. The ones that are short term goals are the ones they con so bad that they do so quickly and very obviously and they need to be discarded so they don't have the potential to cause the narcissist any humiliation or exposure later. These victims are less likely to live near by. The narcissist probably met them online in dating sites or singles apps.

      Being a long term victim he got his foot in the door and then slowly bled you dry and destroyed your life. Of course you are angry! Who wouldn’t be! You were deceived, conned, and duped! You thought you were falling in love and this guy was only using love as a ruse to take you for all that you had and you continued to give. You are angry with him and you are probably even angrier with yourself! The point of this whole explanation is that your ex-boyfriend should no longer be viewed by you as a human because he is nothing more than a parasite.

     On top of being parasitic this person is probably going to land in prison someday due to being a con artist. I would not blame yourself but instead I would wait for other victims to eventually contact you as a witness in some court case. As for the criminal behaviors of those diagnosed with cluster B personality disorders more research is being developed. The behavior of your ex is clearly bordering criminal if not criminal already and some research already explains that there are modes of criminal behavior expressed by those with cluster B disorders and they range from the ruthless to the protective. You need to understand that you have been victimized so understanding how criminals manipulate victims is almost imperative to forgiving yourself.

     One mode described as criminal cluster b behavior is “conning and manipulative” and is what is seen when the narcissist, psychopath, or sociopath is forming a relationship with another with the purpose of gaining something from them via conning, lying, and manipulation. Moreover, these modes cycle throughout the relationship if that relationship is long term so you could experience these modes over and over again. 

     Then there is a mode described as “paranoia” mode in which the cluster BPD attempts to control sources of danger or humiliation.  Further, "Predator mode" refers to the “cold, ruthless, and premeditated aggression in which the individual focuses on callously eliminating a real or imagined threat, rival or obstacle.  (Keulen-de Vos, Bernstein, Vanstipelen, Vogel, Lucker, Slaats, & Arntz 2016).

      The more impulsive he got with his asking for money or other resources also seems to have escalated in aggression as he bullied you (Pressed those buttons on the machine) into giving him things which further manipulated you through guilt of noncompliance. This is what diagnosed cluster B criminals have been shown to do to a T. “Furthermore, it appeared that as events leading up to crimes progressed, patients’ emotional states were characterized by escalating levels of anger and impulsivity, culminating in states of ‘hot’ aggression (i.e., bully and attack mode) and ‘cold’ predatory aggression (i.e., predator mode) during the crimes themselves..”(2016).   What has happened here with you seems to be that this human parasite planned to take you for all that you would give for as long as you would give it and then when he was expose you were immediately discarded.   

     Each time he asked for something his demand for you to pity him and put your own needs second seemed to work well for him so in your recovery it would be a good idea to work on setting firm boundaries with people. What he was not planning on was his sister informing you of the other girlfriends. He went from being the love of your life, to manipulative and bullying you into giving up your resources, and paranoid in that he kept an entirely separate life, to the final discard when the sister exposed the whole scheme he had going on with multiple women. This is what human parasites do and we call them Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Sociopaths.  

I’m going to share a video with you that I watched the other day. It is kind of long but it is probably something you should take the time to listen to because the situation is almost identical to what this man went through. I think it will help you find some type of closer. Also, he drops the F bomb a lot but regardless anyone who is dating should listen to this person's nightmare as he discusses meeting his psychopath and all the clues along the way up to him finding out that his partner was a sex worker.  

      I’d like to also mention that as he had a line of sexual partners waiting around the corner when he changed your name in his phone to that of a man’s and then suddenly grew distant he knew that you were out of resources. There was nothing left for him to take. At that point you were useless to him and he treated you accordingly as he moved on to his next victim.

     Typically, someone wouldn’t hide a name or phone number unless they were spending an intimate and large amount of time with another person that also has access to the same phone. So think back to when you met him. What guy kept calling him at the beginning of your relationship that you never met and he stopped talking to? This is a pattern of conduct for him and has very little to do with who you are except for one thing; cluster BPD’s normally target people who have something to offer. He probably seen you with your life together, money in the bank, and a good job and planned out his next 5 years at least.

It takes years to heal from narcissistic abuse. You will have the lowest lows known to mankind. You will question yourself and if you are really the disordered one. You will spend day and night analyzing what you have been through to the point of mental and physical exhaustion. My best advice for you is to realize that you are not alone. Understand that there is probably very little you could have done to prevent this from happening but you do have the power to study and research red flags so that you don’t keep finding yourself in these relationships with different people. Stay in counseling and ask your therapist if they are familiar with trauma therapy for abuse victims. Get connected with other survivors so that you can openly speak about what you have been through without feeling disbelieved or judged. Good luck to you on your healing journey!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

References

Chang, E. C., Kahle, E. R., Yu, E. A., & Hirsch, J. K. (2014). Understanding the Relationship between Domestic Abuse and Suicide Behavior in Adults Receiving Primary Care: Does Forgiveness Matter? Social Work, 59(4), 315-320.

Jones, D. N. (2014). Predatory Personalities as Behavioral Mimics and Parasites: Mimicry–Deception Theory. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 9(4), 445-451. Doi: 10.1177/1745691614535936

Keulen-de Vos, M. E., Bernstein, D. P., Vanstipelen, S., Vogel, V., Lucker, T. C., Slaats, M., & ... Arntz, A. (2016). Schema modes in criminal and violent behaviour of forensic cluster B PD patients: A retrospective and prospective study. Legal & Criminological Psychology, 21(1), 56-76. doi:10.1111

The best way to get revenge on a Narcissist

The Best Ways of Getting Revenge on a Narcissist

Dear Narcissist Problems,

I have been with a narcissist for 3 years and he abruptly ended it. I don't know where to start but he is the one who fell in love with me and proposed to me. He was what I thought was an understanding person and respected me. But as time was passing by his colors were shown, angry!!!! Selfish!!! But yet I continued to love him. Then he started accusing me for so many things which I thought “Why am I getting accused??” He would call me a liar when I would start to explain why I didn’t do what he was accusing me of doing.

My Narcissistic Ex Keeps calling me Crazy

By the 2nd year he started calling me insane. He used to tell me that repeated mistakes are insanity but my repeated mistake was just “nagging” him for his love. I think that is a common characteristic of women and I used to tell him that I am not insane. I would again explain and defend myself. As time was going along he started calling me an idiot, that I have “no brains” that I “have an understanding problem”, “insane” and I was really pissed.

He has Characteristics of a narcissist

He started using his recovery terms on me when he has to apply them to his life and not mine. Then he started using these words every day and he stopped communicating with me. At first I was in bad shape thinking it was all my fault. But I came to this page and I was so relieved that it's not my fault and these are the characteristics of a narcissist.

He really made me feel like I am the worst person on earth and he the best. Nothing was his problem and he left me because of my “INSANE” personality. But now I know I am not insane and it's him!!!! All I want to say is I am still trying to recover from his verbal abuse as he was manipulating me with his satisfactory terms of life. God knows who the hell can deal with a narcissistic personality disorder!! I’m still trying to recover but the anger I have for him is too much. I still cry while thinking of how he made fun of my love for him. Calling me stupid and insane as if I were desperate. But the anger is what comes around, comes around, and comes around… he will definitely pay for what he has done to me. I wanted to ask if narcissists will ever think they have done anything wrong or  do narcissists ever feel guilty? Hurting someone so much and they can live a happy life?

Sincerely,

I want Revenge

Dear “Revenge”,

            I’m really glad that you found your way here too because the first thing I would like to say is to let go of wanting any pay back or revenge. The best way to get revenge on this jerk is to become hell bent on understanding narcissism and narcissistic abuse so that you don't end up in another relationship like this one and healing yourself. The number one best way to get revenge on a narcissist is by living a happy life filled with people who love you! Holding onto the anger of what you have been through with a narcissist will end up eating you alive. Moreover, it will keep you trapped in a vicious cycle of enmeshment with this person. He isn’t worth it. Think of the years you spent already trying to make things work with him. You don’t want to spend any more years trying to make him realize how much he has hurt you because he never will. If he does realize then he just does not care.

Do Narcissists Ever feel like they have done anything wrong?

You are asking some very great questions. Does he feel he has done anything wrong? This could go two ways with a narcissist really because they have very distorted thinking. In the first instance he may have justified his actions and bad behavior to himself making what he has done “ok” in his mind. The second instance is that yes he knows exactly what he is doing and he did it on purpose. Either way, he hurt you and would have only continued to hurt you and when he crawls back to you DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK!!!! He will never change so keep in mind when you are feeling nostalgic that narcissists only change their outfits and their victims.

Why do narcissists do what they do?

Why narcissists do what they do will remain a mystery for anyone who has empathy. We can examine their behavior, we can be involved with disordered individuals, and we can even have family that do cruel things. The biggest question that many survivors of narcissistic abusers have is if they feel bad or guilty about what they have done to us. From personal experience, I don’t think they will ever feel bad as far as we go. They might display remorse occasionally but when they do it is typically to further manipulate us. Once they have their mind set on abusing or exploiting someone it seems the only thing they learn to do is change their tactics when they get caught.

Narcissists are unlikely to feel remorse or guilt because they have no empathy

As for remorse or guilt it is highly unlikely. I shared a video the other day from Simon Baron-Cohen of whom I just became familiar with his work. Cohen has a very interesting perspective on the human personality as he utilizes research from multiple disciplines while searching for the answers for why people behave cruelly or why people do evil things. He investigates research from developmental psychology, neuroscience, genetics, and psychiatry to explain why some people lack empathy. He goes further to distinguish known disorders where empathy or reaction are limited specifically those diagnosed with autism and psychopaths.

Simon Baron-Cohen FBA is Professor of developmental psychopathology at the University of Cambridge in the United Kingdom. He is the Director of the University's Autism Research Centre, and a Fellow of Trinity College. Seems like a pretty nifty title right? Well FBA is short for Functional Behavior Assessment and is a process that identifies specific target behavior, the purpose of the behavior, and what factors maintain the behavior. What I find really interesting about his work is the connections he makes with research regarding empathy.

Are Narcissists Evil?

He recently wrote a book that covers how empathy works and why some people turn into psychopaths and also the different types of empathy or lack of.  I would suggest checking out his book The Science of Evil : On Empathy and the Origins of Cruelty because I think it would help you understand why your narcissist has done what he has done and his ultimate feelings about it which could help you find some closure.

Unsatisfied with the explanation of atrocities being “because those who commit them are evil” Cohen has been on a mission since childhood to find an exact answer as to how people can be so cruel and why. Which is great for anyone who has suffered at the hands of a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath. We need answers on the cellular level of our beings as to why and how our abuser could have done the things they did to us when all we wanted was to love and to be loved by them. In this book he says that the term evil is an easy way out of explaining anything on the subject so he refers to this behavior as “empathy erosion”.

Further, “empathy erosion can arise because of corrosive emotions, such as bitter resentment, or desire for revenge, or blind hatred, or a desire to protect, or the result of permanent psychological characteristics.” He completely dissects the debate of nature VS. Nurture and comes to the conclusion that psychopaths are cruel because of both nature and nurture. When people suffer from empathy erosion this is when people get turned into objects. They are no longer considered to be “people” with feelings or emotions. Those who suffer from a lack of empathy have no more concern for their victims than they would a pair of shoes.

If you hang out around survivors of cluster B disordered individuals long enough you will come to find that these are some pretty amazing people. Survivors are beautiful on the inside but they didn’t become that way due to the abuse of a narcissist or a psychopath. They were always that way. So when you say why did he do this to me, why did he make me feel stupid, why did he need to show me that he was better than me it is for one reason alone: He is intimidated by how intelligent and amazing you are and he needed to destroy something beautiful?

Narcissist steal objects and qualities from their victims

Another thing they do is try to “steal” the qualities of their victims so they mentally absorb all they find valuable in you and then they try to make it seem as if those qualities never existed in you in the first place. They are after something that you have whether it is physical like money or property or spiritually/ mentally like the essence of who you are. When they become hell bent on stealing from someone either physically, mentally, or spiritually they only focus on what they are wanting. They no longer see you as a person.

 In his book Cohen explains the why and how people can do cruel things with one example:

Erosion of empathy is a state of mind that can be found in any culture. In 2006 I was in Kenya with my family on holiday. We landed in Nairobi, a massive international city swirling with people. Sadly, Nairobi is home to one of the largest slums in Africa. People sleeping on the streets, mothers dying of AIDS, malnourished children begging or doing anything they can to survive. I met Esther, a young Kenyan woman, one of the fortunate ones who had a job. She warned me to be careful of the rising crime in Nairobi.

“I was in the supermarket,” she said. “Suddenly, a woman near me who was paying for her groceries let out a scream. A man behind her had cut off her finger. In the commotion, the man slid the wedding ring off the severed finger and ran off into the crowds.”

This is a shocking example of what one person can do to another. Formulating the plan to go out into the crowded supermarket to steal is easy enough to comprehend, especially if a person is starving. Formulating the plan to take a knife along is a bit harder to identify with, since it indicates clear premeditation to cut something.

But for me the key is to imagine the mind of the person in the seconds just before the act of cutting. At that very moment presumably all that is visible to the thief is the target (the ring), a small object that could feed him for weeks. All that is lying between him and his next meal is the woman’s finger that has to be severed. The fact that the finger is attached to a hand is mere inconvenience, and cold logic points to the solution: Detach it. The fact that the hand is attached to a person, with her own life and her own feelings, is at that moment irrelevant. Out of mind. It is an example of turning another person into, no more than, an object. My argument is that when you treat someone as an object, your empathy has been turned off.”

Narcissists see their victims as objects and not people

So when you ask will a narcissist ever feel guilty for hurting you…. I think the only answer is No he knew what he was doing but he just did not care because he has zero empathy for your pain. You had something that he desperately wanted. There really is no difference between this supermarket thief and your ex-boyfriend in regards to how they feel about their victims.

It is going to take a really long time to recover from this relationship. Being angry is a natural response to injustice and a violation of who we are as human beings. Wanting to be loved and wanted is a normal human behavior. Gaining someone’s love just too consistently reject, criticize and tear them down is not a normal human behavior and you should avoid anyone who does this to you because they will slowly kill you over time.

You are going to need some support while you heal from this. You should also get into therapy as soon as possible with a professional who specifically treats patients who have suffered from trauma. As for a support system I invite you to make an anonymous profile and join our support group. Also read and research all that you can about this personality disorder because it will help you heal to understand what you have been through. These people put us through so much that it is hard to identify or explain it to ourselves much less to anyone else. Good luck to you on your healing journey, you got this!

Regards,

Get a copy of The Science of Evil

Baron-Cohen, S. (2011). The Science of Evil : on empathy and the origins of cruelty. New York: Basic Books, c2011.

Baron-Cohen, S. (2011). The science of evil. [Electronic resource]: on empathy and the origins of cruelty. New York: Basic Books, c2011.

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Emotionally Blackmailed"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Hi, I would like to share my current situation with the group anonymously. I believe I may be dating a Sociopath. It started a little over two years ago. We met online and talked for about 2 months before meeting at a local festival. That same day he said "I love you", which was a little soon for me but I went along with it. Within a few months he spoke with my mother and siblings about marrying me. Months went by and I asked him if I could go over and spend the day with his kids. He said he wasn’t ready for that and that he preferred I stay away and respect the privacy of the home. I wasn’t sure why he wanted to marry and yet I wasn’t allowed in his home. A year went by and he still not proposed like he had told my family.

Then he decided he wanted to buy a home and basically created a distraction away from the "wedding". We spent nearly another year searching for a home yet he would find everything wrong with every place we looked at. Finally we had agreed on one home. He decided tonight through his realtor. He called and said the house was ours! He even took me out to shop for furniture and cabinets and flooring. One day I decided to drive by the house and noticed there were people living there. I confronted him and he (of course) made a scene and cried said he didn’t want to disappoint me by telling me we didn’t get the house. I was shocked because he knew all along and still had me out shopping. I didn’t feel like I could trust him anymore. He would threaten me with hurting himself if I left him. Our arguments always somehow ended up being my fault.

 After nearly 2.5 years with him I decided to end the relationship. He disappeared for a few days. Then the messages started. It was his ex-wife asking for me to call his mother because he had jumped out in front of traffic. I called and of course no answer. His mother never called me, all she did was text and I thought it was weird. I went to his job and his employee said he had been there earlier and was not injured. So I knew in that moment it was a lie. Then it got more interesting with his mother texting me telling me he had passed away and planned his funeral. I went to his place of work and confronted him about the huge lie.

He said he just wanted me to feel how he felt when I ended the relationship. That he loved me so much that he couldn't live without me. I changed my number but he found he could still email and is still threatens me with taking pills to end his life. It’s too much. I’m emotionally drained. He has taken what little trust and faith I had left. Too many coincidences too many little things adding up too many BIG lies. I'm know I'm not crazy. Help!

Sincerely,

“Emotionally Blackmailed”

Dear “Blackmailed”,

            What a royal mind fuck that guy was!  Excuse my language but dayum!  Can we be sure there really was an ex-wife or children?  Honey, YOU are NOT the CRAZY one!!!  When you first started explaining the situation I was sitting here thinking “we have a common cheater here” and then by the end my mind was spinning to grasp what I had just read.  
        The good news is that you ended the relationship and I’d really like to thank you for sharing this because there is someone out there shopping for furniture and cabinets right now who desperately needed to hear what you went through. 
     The sad part of this situation is that his threats of suicide are clearly tactics he uses to manipulate people.  This is sad because there are people out there who really are suicidal and they might not get help because of people like this.  I have some advice and that is to document all the crazy you can.  One blogger who has experienced a similar situation as the very first sentence in her blog states that;

“Self-harm and suicide threats are amongst the most terrifying

 – and effective – manipulation tactics in an abuser’s toolkit.”

AvalancheOfTheSoul

     When he sends random threats of suicide call the police or the National Suicide Prevention Helpline at 1-800-273-8255.  Moreover, continue to go no contact with this emotional blackmailer!  It’s going to be tough but move, change your number, change your job, or leave the planet just don’t go back! 

 I don’t know if the guy is a sociopath but he is clearly disordered!  I'm pretty sure he is using an app that can send a text and make it look like it came from another phone number. I wouldn’t doubt if the ex-wife who called wasn’t him with one of those voice changing apps.  

What do we know about this guy? 1. He has (might have) a wife and kids.  The “ex” is up for debate at this point.  Hell the whole previous marriage is up for debate in my book.  2.  He lied about buying an entire house to the point that you were out shopping for furniture and found out by seeing another family moving in.  3. He threatened suicide and then had a phone call made to you so you would know.  4. He pretended to be his mother and sent you text messages telling you that he was dead as a form of emotional revenge.  I would say that would qualify him as being an experienced abuser who is a master of mind manipulation and emotional blackmail.
  I would go no contact, change your number, and get into trauma therapy. Again, thank you for sharing as I’m sure this will really help someone out there!  Good luck to you on your healing journey!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Highway To Hell"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

If you post this or some part of it - please don’t mention my name. Thank you In February this year, I met a guy on line. We started to talk - he suggested texting, although I was not quite into it we soon started to text a lot 10, 20 texts a day. He told me a few years ago he has been diagnosed with bipolar - but takes medication, and waits for DBT therapy. He said it in context of me working as a support worker in psychiatric services. Before we even had a chance to meet he had cancelled meeting me twice as one time he "got the flu" another time "he had to stay longer at work". He is a very good looking guy, with an excellent dress sense. Even before we met he was frequently asking me questions such as "how are you feeling? What are you up to today?” When we meet - he mirrored my emotions and dreams entirely. Now I see it clearly but at the time - I just thought I meet a really kind and honest guy. He told me a tragic story about his mum commuting suicide and him getting in to foster care, it was odd thing for a first date - but as we already discussed mental health - I didn't think much of it. After we meet he texted me even more, starting making plans for few months ahead - like it would be certain we will be together. He mentioned his exes and described one as being "immature" and another as "being an abusive cheat". He texted me every day from noon till midnight. It was difficult to keep up. I felt that it was "too good to be true" such a handsome guy appeared to be so much into me, but then he seemed to prefer to text me or call me to see me. He has cancelled our plans several times, always giving some "plausible reason" - "work, distressed friend, illness”. It felt it wasn’t right so I told him " I really start to like you, but you keep cancelling on me I feel you are not that much into me, otherwise you would make an effort to see me". He reassured me and said "I will do my best to change it, you are lovely girl, and it is my job to make you feel happy and safe". He appeared to be stressed when I suggested to break it up before it will get too serious. In total we went four times - dating for a month. He asked to be exclusive. We spent hour’s texting. He showed me things he was into - even found me shoes he liked. He told me he had a difficult past - stealing, knife fights, self-harm, but he doesn't do anything like that anymore. Now works in addictions helping homeless people. He didn't push for sex. On our four date we had sex - but just after finishing his phone started to ring, and he run away promising he will see me after two days. Next day he started texting he can’t see me coz his friend is unwell with depression, I wasn't happy with it, he asked to see me after the weekend (as I was working weekend). We continued texting. Tuesday he said he "feels ill and two of his exes started talking to him again - and he wasn’t too happy with it" I said "if both of them are so into you - make them fight the winner can keep you". He said he doesn't want any of them. Wednesday I said I need to talk to him, he said he will get home very late - 12.30 pm and that he feels I guilt trip him about not seeing me - which makes him unhappy and that “I wouldn't have slept with you if I wouldn’t want to see you”. I was tempted to say that we didn’t "sleep together” we "had a 10 minute f*ck session, and I had to check if he didn't leave any cash behind as I felt so cheap after". But I left witticism and waited for him to call me after work. He texted me as promised. It was 12.30 am asked if I still need him to call. I replied "yes" then he didn't call, so I wrote "you must be tired as you don’t call me let’s talk. Tomorrow". He didn’t reply. Next day I woke up around 8 am thinking I am getting played, and that he doesn't even care enough to reply. I wrote " I texted you yesterday waited for your call, I must admit I have fell for you it is pathetic I know but I see you don’t have feelings for me and don t even want to end it in a civil way, wish you good luck”. Then around noon I got a reply “what are you talking about? I didn’t get any texts from you – you didn’t reply to me so I went to bed, and stop being rude and invent issues where there are none – I can call you now if you like”. We spoke 20 min mostly with him telling me how overworked he is, how everyone relies on him, and how he “spreads himself thinly between friends, family and seeing you” Then he said “you made your choice about us – I can’t stop you, although I don’t want to end”. He suggested seeing each other after the weekend, and I agreed. When we finished talking I felt uneasy - “why would he say I am rude? why would he say he didn’t get the texts?, am I not important enough to see me on the day? “So I looked at his Facebook to calm myself down – see nothing dodgy goes on – and then I see him tagged on a picture with a girl – her cover photo. She was wearing the shoes he showed me that was it for me, I felt hurt. I wrote “I looked at your Facebook, as always full of girls commenting on his selfies, you have been out with another girl, I can’t be in competition with others – and she wears the shoes you showed me, I give up”. He first replied with “she is a friend, shoes were a gift – don’t be a child” but then he called me and shouted at me “you have a vendetta against me! I am tired of proving myself to others and you! Leave me alone as I have life to live” then hung up not waiting for my response. I was shocked, didn’t know what to think, nobody ever treated me like that. Then he started writing things like “you make drama out of nothing, I have a right to have friends, as you do. You should apologize to me – you think I am an idiot – stupid enough to date multiple people and plaster Facebook with it?” Then he defriended me on the Facebook. I couldn’t understand what he is on about. It didn’t feel right. I snapped and wrote “I don’t think you are stupid, but hell messed up. What do you want me to apologize? Shame you don’t want to be mates. I will speak to you later, as I am busy”. It felt really bad. He said “Nope don’t want to be your friend, not after what you said” As it felt bad, and I thought that a guy who would care for me wouldn’t act like that, I thought to leave this situation. Next day at evening he texted “ Will you apologize for the things you said yesterday as it hurt a lot” I said “if anything can get better we need to talk in person, maybe I don’t want it to be over yet” I said it coz I wanted a proper conversation and thought he will not see me otherwise. He wrote” When I was 19 a girl died in my arms, that is why I was alone for so long I was hurting, why would I lie to anyone, why would I hurt anyone? Too old for BS games” I read this and it got me creeped out – how dare he play me with a dead body? Truth or not, doesn’t matter – using pity or whatever was that – dead girlfriend - didn’t make me feel safe. I didn’t reply. Next day, he wrote things like “right, if you want to talk you can come to see me near my house for two hours on Tuesday. Yes or no. Answer would be nice as I know you are reading this”. I didn’t reply. Then he was calling left the voicemail, same stuff but sounded a bit nicer. I didn’t reply. This is a bit long – but I wanted to give you full the picture, it finished in April and I still hurt. I went NC, and I stooped myself from looking him up online. When I am low I think about contacting him, but I know that he only would try to manipulate me or shout at me, or be mean in another way. And the thought of contacting him goes away – when I am happier. I don’t understand – how I got so involved is such a short time? or why he wanted me to fall for him? The guy is very good looking so he wouldn’t have a trouble with casual sex, and he knows it. Why he would go out of his way to text and call a girl who wouldn’t matter to him? How I can get over him sooner? Some friends understand, some say “you got played, shame but it is life”. I just need some kind of hope that I will feel better, and that I didn’t mess it up. That is the end.

Sincerely,

“Highway to Hell”

 

Dear “Highway to Hell”,

     There are so many things going on with this guy that I don’t even know where to begin.  Let me say this first: THANK GOD THE RELATIONSHIP ENDED QUICKLY!!!!!!  I think this guy is a step above a narcissist, he may actually be a psychopath!!!  The circular argument that he created and then blamed you for is the classic narcissistic ploy to keep you on the defense and discrediting your feelings, wants, and needs leaving you apologizing for his infidelity!  The thing that steps this whole situation up a notch is the fact that when he was losing control over you and the situation he brings up the dead girlfriend.  I’m honestly creeped out by this one too.  Two things are going through my mind A. he is a psychopath and he actually killed that girl or B. He is a pathological liar.  The pathological lying is obvious from what you have written but the dead girlfriend, I’m going to believe it.  I’m also going to believe that he killed her, watched the life drain out of her eyes with a sense of pleasure, and then made it look like an accident.  I am so happy you got away from this royal mind fuck!! You got away and you are alive! They say that hindsight is 20/20.  Unfortunately we don’t notice many red flags until the relationship is over and we are left to deal with the aftermath of utter emotional destruction.  The good news is that these encounters leave many of us determined to save others from the same fate so we spend countless hours screaming the red flags from the rooftops in the hopes that others will notice them before it is too late.  The bad news is that we did not notice them before it was too late to save ourselves and we are left to pick up the pieces and heal alone.  One thing that you will notice in your next relationship is to start out slow.  If you notice things moving too fast too soon this could be a red flag of a dysfunctional or toxic person especially if the focus is asking a lot of personal questions and the level of intimacy seems rushed.  While I can’t say that every person we meet online is a bad person but it may be a bad way to start off a relationship romantically.  One of the best self-disclosures he made to you was when he divulged his past to you “He told me he had a difficult past - stealing, knife fights, self-harm, but he doesn't do anything like that anymore.”  Was one of his “knife fights” with the girlfriend who mysteriously died in his arms?!?!?  I hope to god that was a lie to shame you with guilt and pity instead of an actual homicide! Thank god you got away.  The next time you feel like calling this psycho remind yourself that he literally could be a murderer! If not a murderer of humans but a soul murderer, either way you are better off! Did you notice anything missing after you were around him?  I noticed my own narcissist was a kleptomaniac. Moreover, after the first sexual encounter I will bet he may have had that phone call planned ahead of time and the excuse set in stone.  It was probably even his wife. The woman wearing the shoes was probably his wife too. I get the feeling that when your first two dates were canceled maybe he was even in the midst of abandoning his last victim or going through a divorce while love bombing and grooming you to fill that void that was opening.  If the relationship ended in April you still have a long healing process in front of you and I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself.  Think of it this way; you just went cold turkey from the most addictive drug known to mankind, the love/love bombing of a narcissist.  Being in a relationship with a narcissist goes from the extremes of “finding your soulmate” to climbing your way out of hell.  When in a relationship with one of these emotional rapists they sell us our dreams and literally deliver a nightmare.  When leaving any relationship, abusive or not, we always have doubts because we tend to forget the bad and focus on what was good about it.  If things didn’t end well (and usually they don’t with a narcissist and they REALLY don’t with a psychopath) we have a difficult time finding any closure because we linger on what should of, would of, and could of happened instead of what actually did happen.  We begin to blame ourselves for things that went wrong and then we question our own reactions.  We ask ourselves and everyone we know:  Was I too sensitive?  Was I over reacting?  Am I exaggerating?  Was that argument my fault? We have trouble putting the abuse into perspective because we really want to believe that nobody could be that cruel and evil and that maybe yes we are too sensitive, over reacting, or exaggerating what we lived through.  The sad part is that very few people, if any, in our lives will truly understand the type of emotional torture and resulting spiritual conflict that we are going through.  Like the saying goes “You won’t understand it until it happens to you”.  So when we turn to our loved ones or friends (if we have any left at this point) they either will not know how to react to what we tell them or they will tell us to just give it time or just suck it up and move on or Drum roll please, “You Got Played”.  Most of the time this will be the worst advice we will ever receive in our lives.  We need to connect with others who understand the nightmare we just escaped so we can freely talk out our pain without feeling judged or our situation trivialized.  We need to learn from others who have been there to see how they journeyed out of hell.  We need to be inspired by those who did make it out of hell and find the strength to encourage those who are stuck in the labyrinth created by our narcissist.   The narcissists leave us in a maze that seems to have no exit.  Sometimes it is impossible to find an exit and we give up hope of recovery/healing until magically another survivor turns on a light and shows us the way out of that hell.  Good luck to you on your healing journey.  It is going to take time.  It may take years but you can heal from this.  Find a support group with others who have dated a narcissist and get on there and vent, ask questions, learn, and someday in the future you will log into that group and you will read the post of a woman/man who is now in the same situation you are leaving.  Seeing this post you will then realize how far you have come and how much awareness you need to spread to warn the others.  And by others….. I mean the rest of mankind.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems "Ex School Girl"

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Narcissist Problems,

 

I've just come out of a short relationship - 6 months with a narcissist. I knew there were problems very quickly but hoped I might be able to help him - now I know that's not possible. My problem is that he is, if not famous, a moderately successful author who regularly turns up on TV and so on. On this page I'm sure I don't need to explain to you how dangerous he is and what a wealth of prey that 'fame' gives him. He also regularly goes into schools which gives him access to vulnerable young women. Whilst I couldn't say I think he's a pedophile he does have a worrying love of girls in school uniforms and has access to them. What can I do? I can't prove anything and anything I might try will make me look like a sour and bitter ex. He has already succeeded in turning at least one mutual friend against me who has been persuaded that I'm crazy. Any ideas?

I know he likes school girl uniforms as he liked me to dress up in one.

He's a historian, specifically military history but he has quite an interest in crime and is published on the subject of Jack the Ripper. I met him at a JtR conference - not really my area of interest but a friend wanted a companion and paid for me to go with her. He was chairing the conference.

The first sign he was a little off was in the first few weeks when I discovered he'd been sending very flirty messages to the friend as well as to me, having told me we were in a relationship.

The second one, which was a biggy was over Xmas. He became very aggressive and argumentative over me saying it was a pity he hadn't seen his son since August. He was then due to come and stay with my parents on the 27th, which he did. He really didn't have the social skills to deal with the situation but he was quite inappropriate in how he responded to me - very overtly sexual.

He became picky and aggressive over all sorts of things, specifically the fact that I don't like New Year's Eve. On the 3rd of Jan a woman he had told me was an ex and just a friends posted a very long rant that made it clear that she was not an ex and at the time I had met him and had in fact been pregnant by him and not well so staying in the hotel room. Of course, he made out that she was bonkers and wouldn't take no for an answer but I've since seen the exchange of texts he sent on the 27th, which couldn't have been forged because of some of the things said in it and they were very definitely in a relationship. Thank you. He is a creep. Since I first wrote to touch's has published pictures of himself with his latest victim. Poor cow thinks she's got Prince Charming but instead is in the clutches of a conscienceless monster.

Sincerely,

Ex School Girl

 

Dear Ex School Girl,

I met a couple of guys on the internet who would like to meet your ex narc… pic attached.

Unfortunately we all seem to stick around these toxic relationships because we want to help them.  We see someone who is in need of love, support, or care and we jump in and start bailing the water out of a sinking ship.  The problem is that usually we don’t notice the ship is sinking because the person we are trying to “help” is drilling holes in the bottom of the boat.  You are right, it is usually not possible to help people especially if they don’t see a problem with their behavior and have no need or desire to change.  Knowing he is a moderately famous author is going to force me to begin questioning every book I read!  The good news is that you obviously noticed some red flags of dysfunction and/or abuse early on in the game.  Knowing that you ended this relationship at 6 months instead of 6 years makes me feel like the work of spreading awareness of this type of personality disorder is serving its purpose!  Either by your own will and high self-esteem or by running into information of your dysfunctional relationship something happened to make you insightful enough for alarm bells to go off and call it quits with this animal.  While I don’t want to assume the worst and label this guy a sexual predator I do find it rather disturbing that he asked you to role play as a school girl while spending time with school girls. The bad news is that with no proof of his pedophilia there is little that you can do.  The only thing in your control is to protect yourself and all the young girls you know from this monster.  If you do much more than that you might find yourself slapped with a restraining order and a lawsuit.  It’s sick, I know, but that is the way the law works.  You need good evidence, witnesses, and documentation.  You need something that will hold up in a court of law.  For now the most you can do is consider yourself a viable character witness when victims do begin to surface.  If you want more help consider consulting with the local police department.  For all you know there may have been a report filed against him and at least it will give you peace of mind knowing that you did speak up. 

Usually when you call a narcissist out on their bad behavior that is when you are officially declared an enemy and that seems like it may be the case here.  Bringing up his visitation with his son was a blow to the ego as I’m sure he likes people to believe he is father of the year.  If you brought up his sexual behavior that he displayed in front of your parents that was another blow because I am sure he thought he was being very charming.  From what you describe here you were dealing with a typical narcissist and your personalities clashed like the titans!  He manipulates and you confronted, way to go!  Not many of us here can say we had the courage or insight to be so upfront.  The important thing for you to do now is to try to let it go.  Don’t keep updated on his life including his new victims.  If you try to warn the others it will only make you appear insane and infatuated.  You know, like his pregnant crazy ex in the hotel room was.  Don’t be that woman.  So far you seem to have done an amazing job at identifying his special breed of crazy and dealt with it like no other!  Good for you!  It may help to just give yourself time to heal from this experience and keep spreading the awareness of what you have been through with others….who don’t know your narcissist!  Good luck on your healing journey.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems