Domestic Violence or Domestic Terrorism?

Narcissists Are Domestic Terrorists

When a narcissist has totally lost control of their victim they often resort to false allegations of child abuse or worse as a form of punishment. Victims of this legal and financial abuse lose years of their lives as well as every last penny and these are just a few of the reasons they are domestic terrorists. Protect yourself from legal abuse by knowing your legal rights.

Dear Narcissist Problems,

     What do you do if you are forced to deal with problems created by the narcissistic ex-wife of your live in boyfriend? Due to the fact they have young children together who visit every weekend and vacations.  I ignore her actions but still have to hear about the abuse she extends on my boyfriend and her children because of her hatred of my boyfriend. My boyfriend tends to minimize the abuse which is extremely annoying. Sometimes I think he enjoys the attention from it. I feel like I'm just another victim caught in the middle of this huge mess.

Sincerely,

"Baby Momma Drama"

Dear "Baby Momma Drama",

     Dealing with a narcissist in this type of situation is going to take a lot of soul searching. The first thing you should do is realize how short life is and come to an understanding that staying with your boyfriend is going to result in the majority of the rest of your life being spent in a living nightmare. You called him your boyfriend and he has small children so to me that means that your relationship is semi-fresh. I would really take some time to examine if YOU can deal with what you are already dealing with times ten thousand. My honest advice is just don’t do this to yourself.

      You need to appreciate the fact that everything that annoys you now will only escalate and over the years you will grow more and more tired of it. First, I would set some boundaries with your boyfriend and let him know that unless he is willing to try to change the situation then you don't want to hear the constant complaints because it will slowly kill you. 

     If you feel that he enjoys the attention I would trust your gut on that because he probably does. Don't let his victim-hood dominate your reaction of building boundaries especially when he is making zero effort to change his circumstances. You didn't give too many details about what she is doing that is abusive so I'll let you know what you're in for.

     Stay as far out of the situation as possible you don’t want to get dragged through the mud multiple times a month. When the kids are there don't talk about child support or their mother in front of them EVER. These children are the most innocent bystanders in the whole situation because they have absolutely nil control over what is going on. If you want to be in their lives be there for support. Understand that their mother is probably trying to alienate them from their father. This takes place by bad mouthing you and their father to the children as well as manufacturing situations and scenarios that make the both of you look like the bad guys. Children are incredibly observant and they will hopefully be able to see that things are not the same as their mother is telling them. Just don't put them in the middle in any way, shape, or form.

 You are in for a modern day witch hunt. Period.

Think about the Salem witch trials for a moment and understand you are in a position for that to be burned at the stake. Only instead of being accused of witchcraft you will eventually be accused of child abuse because this is what narcissistic parents do to their ex-spouses and their new partner. At some point child protective services will be at your door to investigate one or both of you for harming the children. It’s a good thing you asked how to deal with a narcissistic ex-wife so now you can be prepared on how to deal with CPS because they will be showing up to ask you questions at some point.

Narcissists will plant drugs in your car or house then call the police

Dealing with Child Protective Services after false allegations of child abuse

      When dealing with child protective services make it known that you believe that the anonymous report of child abuse most likely came from the vindictive mother because it has been a very high conflict situation and has now escalated to false allegations of abuse. Then answer their questions simply, do NOT offer any extras as anything you say can and will be twisted into something horrific and then used against you in a court of law. You are going to need advice from a lawyer and if it is possible make sure that you speak with a lawyer before even answering one single question from the government. All of these situations will end up bleeding you guys dry. You can get free online legal advice by clicking the link below.

     Social workers are not your friend and they are not there to help clear the air. They are there looking for abuse. Do not delay contacting an attorney. This is a situation where your civil rights can be taken away specifically in reference to the 4th and 14th amendments so if you want to say you need to contact your attorney and you will have your attorney set up a meeting to answer their questions. Most people assume that saying this makes you look "guilty". I don't give a shit, don't be stupid, innocent or guilty, fathers are losing their rights left and right in this country so don't think for a single second that just because you are innocent that some crazy shit isn't about to go down.

     Further, our family court system doesn't need the same standard of evidence that is needed in the criminal court system. Hence, the witch hunt has begun. If CPS is at your door that means who ever can tell the best story wins. Truth or Lies, this is the reality of the situation and you are dealing with a narcissist!

     Document ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. If CPS shows up at your door let them know you will be recording the conversation. If they refuse then tell them you will set a meeting up with them with your lawyer. Find out what the allegations are. Deny them. Then call your attorney!

Know your rights and practice them!

Do they have a search warrant?

       If not....DO NOT LET THEM IN YOUR HOME!!! This is the biggest mistake parents can make and people say “well if I refuse to let them in then I will look guilty”. I don’t care how you “look” you are protected by the United States constitution to be free of unreasonable searches and seizures. They are there to search your home and possibly seize children. Your children are considered your property. Ask for a warrant and if they fail to produce one then ask what the allegations are.

What is the allegation and what is the probable cause that you have commited neglect or abuse?

     Once you hear the allegation then ask what the probable cause was that this abuse or neglect occurred to trigger an investigation. Don’t be hostile during your encounters with Child Protective Services but don’t hand them your children on a silver platter either. Trust me if they can find ANY reason, sometimes even a manufactured reason, they WILL take your children and you will find yourself in court in no time. I have no idea how this agency is even getting away with half the shit they do but they are. You are under no obligation to not practice your rights so please do so!

     Anonymous calls to DCFS/CPS are like a feeding grounds for narcissists because they have found an entire government agency that can destroy your life based on their lies and gossip. You will never be given a trial, there doesn’t need to be probable cause, and the evidence can be hearsay. The only trial you might get is for any crimes DCFS can dream up that you have committed and even if you are cleared of those manufactured crimes then they will still keep your children. This agency acts outside of the law, outside of the constitution, and they will destroy your life. So let them think you “look” anyway they want but they better bring a warrant.

What are your concerns Mr. or Mrs. potential Kidnapper??

If they need to see the children…. Bring the children outside.

If they need to see that you have electricity….. Turn on the porch light.

If they need to check for running water….. Excuse yourself and go take a 20 second video with your faucet running.

If they need to see that you have food…… go take a picture of your open refrigerator (make sure it’s clean! If it’s not then make them stand outside to wait so you can wipe up any spilled Kool-aide). Open your cabinets and take a picture of your canned goods and boxed food items. Open up your deep freezer and take a pic of that.

If they need to check your home because someone said “it’s dirty” then go take a picture of your clean house because if you have even a few dishes in your sink that could be grounds that you are filthy slobs. Make them wait for as long as you need to in order to make sure that the very last speck of dirt has been removed if you need to.

If they need you to take a drug test…… here is where some people run into issues because if you refuse then that could be grounds for an emergency child removal because to them you are trying to hide your “addiction” when in reality you are simply standing up for YOUR right to be free from illegal searches and seizures….. Ask them if they would like to make the drive to your doctor’s office. Do not let them drug test you because if you are on ANY prescription medications, valid or not, that could make you fail a drug test then they will take your kids……even with a prescription…… Let me say that again so everyone understands: (see why here)

CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES WILL DO AN EMERGENCY CHILD REMOVAL CLAIMING THAT YOU ARE A DRUG ADDICT EVEN IF THE DRUG TEST YOU FAILED WAS A DRUG PRESCRIBED BY YOUR OWN DOCTOR AND EVEN IF YOU CAN PROVE IT......DON'T GET RAILROADED.

      If you think I’m kidding about this start doing some research because it’s happening America…… it’s happening every single day……. Narcissist’s LOVE child protective services because this agency actually helps them perpetuate their sick abuse against you.

      If your narcissist knows that you take a prescription medication for anything that could fail a drug test I guarantee that they will be calling up DCFS alleging that you are some crazed drug addict for the specific medication you are on. Here is what DCFS will say “Well our report says you are abusing this medication and you tested positive for it on the drug test so now we are taking your kids until we get better lab work proving how much of this medication is in your system”. Period. Let DCFS think what they want just protect yourself because this agency is like a narcissist on steroids! Man I could go on all day long about DCFS but I’ll leave it at that. 


     This video is a great demonstration of how the DCFS visit SHOULD go but only if you know and practice your rights. You might think that being cooperative is the best way to go with these people but that is the easiest way to get your kids legally kidnapped.  It is your patriotic duty to know your rights and practice them because if you don't then you don't have any.

Here is a great book to get you started on how to deal with baby momma and could help your boyfriend as well:

You will also probably have the police show up at your house around 2 or 3 am a few times because someone reported a domestic dispute because you did something to piss baby Momma off. I will have to say that in my own experience the police tend to actually investigate the claims being made but it might simply be due to the fact that their is a higher standard of evidence needed in criminal court than in family court. 

 I mean really I could write a book on this, in fact, I just might. There is just too much to go into on this subject of "what if".  It would probably be easier to answer what will go right as the list would be shorter. Without some more specific instances of specific behavior I'm just scrapping the surface on this one. Examine the relationship and decide if you want to continue moving forward with your boyfriend because if you stay it will be a never ending cycle of what if's that either one of us could have never predicted. Good Luck to you and we are always here for support!!

Regards,

The best way to get revenge on a Narcissist

The Best Ways of Getting Revenge on a Narcissist

Dear Narcissist Problems,

I have been with a narcissist for 3 years and he abruptly ended it. I don't know where to start but he is the one who fell in love with me and proposed to me. He was what I thought was an understanding person and respected me. But as time was passing by his colors were shown, angry!!!! Selfish!!! But yet I continued to love him. Then he started accusing me for so many things which I thought “Why am I getting accused??” He would call me a liar when I would start to explain why I didn’t do what he was accusing me of doing.

My Narcissistic Ex Keeps calling me Crazy

By the 2nd year he started calling me insane. He used to tell me that repeated mistakes are insanity but my repeated mistake was just “nagging” him for his love. I think that is a common characteristic of women and I used to tell him that I am not insane. I would again explain and defend myself. As time was going along he started calling me an idiot, that I have “no brains” that I “have an understanding problem”, “insane” and I was really pissed.

He has Characteristics of a narcissist

He started using his recovery terms on me when he has to apply them to his life and not mine. Then he started using these words every day and he stopped communicating with me. At first I was in bad shape thinking it was all my fault. But I came to this page and I was so relieved that it's not my fault and these are the characteristics of a narcissist.

He really made me feel like I am the worst person on earth and he the best. Nothing was his problem and he left me because of my “INSANE” personality. But now I know I am not insane and it's him!!!! All I want to say is I am still trying to recover from his verbal abuse as he was manipulating me with his satisfactory terms of life. God knows who the hell can deal with a narcissistic personality disorder!! I’m still trying to recover but the anger I have for him is too much. I still cry while thinking of how he made fun of my love for him. Calling me stupid and insane as if I were desperate. But the anger is what comes around, comes around, and comes around… he will definitely pay for what he has done to me. I wanted to ask if narcissists will ever think they have done anything wrong or  do narcissists ever feel guilty? Hurting someone so much and they can live a happy life?

Sincerely,

I want Revenge

Dear “Revenge”,

            I’m really glad that you found your way here too because the first thing I would like to say is to let go of wanting any pay back or revenge. The best way to get revenge on this jerk is to become hell bent on understanding narcissism and narcissistic abuse so that you don't end up in another relationship like this one and healing yourself. The number one best way to get revenge on a narcissist is by living a happy life filled with people who love you! Holding onto the anger of what you have been through with a narcissist will end up eating you alive. Moreover, it will keep you trapped in a vicious cycle of enmeshment with this person. He isn’t worth it. Think of the years you spent already trying to make things work with him. You don’t want to spend any more years trying to make him realize how much he has hurt you because he never will. If he does realize then he just does not care.

Do Narcissists Ever feel like they have done anything wrong?

You are asking some very great questions. Does he feel he has done anything wrong? This could go two ways with a narcissist really because they have very distorted thinking. In the first instance he may have justified his actions and bad behavior to himself making what he has done “ok” in his mind. The second instance is that yes he knows exactly what he is doing and he did it on purpose. Either way, he hurt you and would have only continued to hurt you and when he crawls back to you DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK!!!! He will never change so keep in mind when you are feeling nostalgic that narcissists only change their outfits and their victims.

Why do narcissists do what they do?

Why narcissists do what they do will remain a mystery for anyone who has empathy. We can examine their behavior, we can be involved with disordered individuals, and we can even have family that do cruel things. The biggest question that many survivors of narcissistic abusers have is if they feel bad or guilty about what they have done to us. From personal experience, I don’t think they will ever feel bad as far as we go. They might display remorse occasionally but when they do it is typically to further manipulate us. Once they have their mind set on abusing or exploiting someone it seems the only thing they learn to do is change their tactics when they get caught.

Narcissists are unlikely to feel remorse or guilt because they have no empathy

As for remorse or guilt it is highly unlikely. I shared a video the other day from Simon Baron-Cohen of whom I just became familiar with his work. Cohen has a very interesting perspective on the human personality as he utilizes research from multiple disciplines while searching for the answers for why people behave cruelly or why people do evil things. He investigates research from developmental psychology, neuroscience, genetics, and psychiatry to explain why some people lack empathy. He goes further to distinguish known disorders where empathy or reaction are limited specifically those diagnosed with autism and psychopaths.

Simon Baron-Cohen FBA is Professor of developmental psychopathology at the University of Cambridge in the United Kingdom. He is the Director of the University's Autism Research Centre, and a Fellow of Trinity College. Seems like a pretty nifty title right? Well FBA is short for Functional Behavior Assessment and is a process that identifies specific target behavior, the purpose of the behavior, and what factors maintain the behavior. What I find really interesting about his work is the connections he makes with research regarding empathy.

Are Narcissists Evil?

He recently wrote a book that covers how empathy works and why some people turn into psychopaths and also the different types of empathy or lack of.  I would suggest checking out his book The Science of Evil : On Empathy and the Origins of Cruelty because I think it would help you understand why your narcissist has done what he has done and his ultimate feelings about it which could help you find some closure.

Unsatisfied with the explanation of atrocities being “because those who commit them are evil” Cohen has been on a mission since childhood to find an exact answer as to how people can be so cruel and why. Which is great for anyone who has suffered at the hands of a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath. We need answers on the cellular level of our beings as to why and how our abuser could have done the things they did to us when all we wanted was to love and to be loved by them. In this book he says that the term evil is an easy way out of explaining anything on the subject so he refers to this behavior as “empathy erosion”.

Further, “empathy erosion can arise because of corrosive emotions, such as bitter resentment, or desire for revenge, or blind hatred, or a desire to protect, or the result of permanent psychological characteristics.” He completely dissects the debate of nature VS. Nurture and comes to the conclusion that psychopaths are cruel because of both nature and nurture. When people suffer from empathy erosion this is when people get turned into objects. They are no longer considered to be “people” with feelings or emotions. Those who suffer from a lack of empathy have no more concern for their victims than they would a pair of shoes.

If you hang out around survivors of cluster B disordered individuals long enough you will come to find that these are some pretty amazing people. Survivors are beautiful on the inside but they didn’t become that way due to the abuse of a narcissist or a psychopath. They were always that way. So when you say why did he do this to me, why did he make me feel stupid, why did he need to show me that he was better than me it is for one reason alone: He is intimidated by how intelligent and amazing you are and he needed to destroy something beautiful?

Narcissist steal objects and qualities from their victims

Another thing they do is try to “steal” the qualities of their victims so they mentally absorb all they find valuable in you and then they try to make it seem as if those qualities never existed in you in the first place. They are after something that you have whether it is physical like money or property or spiritually/ mentally like the essence of who you are. When they become hell bent on stealing from someone either physically, mentally, or spiritually they only focus on what they are wanting. They no longer see you as a person.

 In his book Cohen explains the why and how people can do cruel things with one example:

Erosion of empathy is a state of mind that can be found in any culture. In 2006 I was in Kenya with my family on holiday. We landed in Nairobi, a massive international city swirling with people. Sadly, Nairobi is home to one of the largest slums in Africa. People sleeping on the streets, mothers dying of AIDS, malnourished children begging or doing anything they can to survive. I met Esther, a young Kenyan woman, one of the fortunate ones who had a job. She warned me to be careful of the rising crime in Nairobi.

“I was in the supermarket,” she said. “Suddenly, a woman near me who was paying for her groceries let out a scream. A man behind her had cut off her finger. In the commotion, the man slid the wedding ring off the severed finger and ran off into the crowds.”

This is a shocking example of what one person can do to another. Formulating the plan to go out into the crowded supermarket to steal is easy enough to comprehend, especially if a person is starving. Formulating the plan to take a knife along is a bit harder to identify with, since it indicates clear premeditation to cut something.

But for me the key is to imagine the mind of the person in the seconds just before the act of cutting. At that very moment presumably all that is visible to the thief is the target (the ring), a small object that could feed him for weeks. All that is lying between him and his next meal is the woman’s finger that has to be severed. The fact that the finger is attached to a hand is mere inconvenience, and cold logic points to the solution: Detach it. The fact that the hand is attached to a person, with her own life and her own feelings, is at that moment irrelevant. Out of mind. It is an example of turning another person into, no more than, an object. My argument is that when you treat someone as an object, your empathy has been turned off.”

Narcissists see their victims as objects and not people

So when you ask will a narcissist ever feel guilty for hurting you…. I think the only answer is No he knew what he was doing but he just did not care because he has zero empathy for your pain. You had something that he desperately wanted. There really is no difference between this supermarket thief and your ex-boyfriend in regards to how they feel about their victims.

It is going to take a really long time to recover from this relationship. Being angry is a natural response to injustice and a violation of who we are as human beings. Wanting to be loved and wanted is a normal human behavior. Gaining someone’s love just too consistently reject, criticize and tear them down is not a normal human behavior and you should avoid anyone who does this to you because they will slowly kill you over time.

You are going to need some support while you heal from this. You should also get into therapy as soon as possible with a professional who specifically treats patients who have suffered from trauma. As for a support system I invite you to make an anonymous profile and join our support group. Also read and research all that you can about this personality disorder because it will help you heal to understand what you have been through. These people put us through so much that it is hard to identify or explain it to ourselves much less to anyone else. Good luck to you on your healing journey, you got this!

Regards,

Get a copy of The Science of Evil

Baron-Cohen, S. (2011). The Science of Evil : on empathy and the origins of cruelty. New York: Basic Books, c2011.

Baron-Cohen, S. (2011). The science of evil. [Electronic resource]: on empathy and the origins of cruelty. New York: Basic Books, c2011.