Dear Narcissist Problems, "Parental Concerns"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Hey I'm really struggling with my narc at the moment.  He walked away from our child for 2 years for a woman and when it suited him ( because they had broken up ) he wanted my son in his life again I struggled for months with this I know what he's capable of he has emotionally traumatized my wee boy. The only reason I let him is because I used to have a serious drinking problem but am 3 years sober now and I could see how I was guilty of a lot myself like: played games, I provoked him purposely, I would always go back to him not that that excused his behavior.  He was cold, nasty, and unhuman towards me and my children but I can see my part.  Since getting sober I have learned to be healthy and have boundaries and good people around me and I have my faith so I thought since I had changed maybe he could too.  This went against everything I knew about narcs but 2 years and my son was still crying every night for dad so I let him back but with very strict boundaries and the last several months he has been good. He still tries to play games and snarky comments and mind games and the flirting despite him having a new gf but I shut it down n don't play into it.  This weekend after having 2 sick kids all week he had my son stay and started playing games with refusing to go get him medicine or letting me bring any over...eventually he did but he wound me up for a hour thinking my son was going to go without while he was sick and he loved that he got a reaction. I had sensed it was driving him nuts not being able to get a reaction for so long when I used to be so predictable so I think he knew how exhausted I was and jumped on his chance. Nobody I talk to understands why this has upset me so much but it's because I can see he's still exactly the same cold narcissist he's always been. Using my child's wellbeing to get a reaction from me it brought up all the stuff he's done to us in past. I try to not judge him on the past but it's hard. Everyone I've spoken to keeps saying no matter what he's still his father he has a right to have overnight access but after that I don't want to send him I wouldn't stop it completely that would mess with my boy but I don't want him there overnight by himself.  It reminded me I don't trust him with our child despite a few months of ok behavior I know who he is.  I desperately need advice on what I should do? There's no custody agreement as he walked away for so long so balls in my court. I want my son to have a dad but I'm scared of the damage it's doing by me giving him chance after chance. I get what others are saying that he needs to learn to be a dad and be patient but do narcs actually love their kids? Am I doing serious damage letting this man in his life?

Sincerely,

“Parental Concerns”

Dear “Concerned”,

            I’m really glad you threw in that last part about there not being a custody agreement because that was my first question.  Nobody wants to be a parental alienator.  Further, you have no control over his decision to abandon your child’s life.  You have no control over this man’s manipulative behavior either.  I would immediately stop any unsupervised visits until there is a court order in place.  I would also urge against overnight visits at all.  This man has been absent from your child’s life for years.  While yes he needs to “learn how to parent” it is not your job to teach him or your child’s duty to be a guinea pig.  Your past mistakes are mute at this point.  You have taken the steps to make your life right and are working on yourself to become a better person and to have a positive role in your life.  Stop the visits and site the withholding of medication as a sole reason.  If you did something like this the government would have your ass in court for medical neglect in a heartbeat, especially if something bad happened to the child as a result of the medicine being withheld.  Here is the thing, we are not psychic…or doctors.  We are mothers who are put into place to look after the best interest of our children.  You could not know if the withholding of medicine would seriously harm your child.  At this point, every encounter this man has with your child is evidence for a judge that he has a relationship with said child.  It’s not that you are trying to prevent this man from being a father.  What you need to do is get a court order in place that will allow this transition to take place safely.  Your goal is to have your child build a healthy and stable relationship with his father.  However, manipulating you so early on is a huge red flag that you need to ignore all of the advice you are receiving and head straight into a court.  Good Luck to you and stand firm!  No more unsupervised visits until this man proves he is capable of having them.  It’s one thing to ask for supervised visits for a father who has always been there for his child.  It’s quite another to give unsupervised visits to a known abuser who abandon the child for years.  Stand strong and call the police if you need to.  I would have called the police the minute he started playing games with the child’s health.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems "Flew the Coup"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

I need some advice.  I am in the middle of a divorce with my abuser and he has essentially "romanced" everyone I know into thinking that I am the wrong doer. He is so suave in that way that he has convinced my attorney that I have done wrong. I'm not sure what do or if there is some way that I could point my attorney to the "idea" of my abusers narcissistic ways without coming across as slandering him.  He has convinced everyone including my attorney, (somehow) that I had an affair and that I left for no reason. Everyone thinks our life was "perfect" and because I'm on disability for several mood disorders, he has my attorney convinced that I am out of my mind. He continues to track my cell phone (though my carrier is not sure how he keeps doing it).  He used me as a tool to abuse my son who is now almost 20. And though my son hated him over the last 12 years he has now turned his back on me and sides with my husband who is not his biological father.  I always tried to defend my son and stick up for him. But my husband would wear me down with constant arguments telling me how bad of a mother I was and if I didn't listen my son would turn out to be a "hood rat" as he called it.  He used to be a deputy in a neighboring county and I found out recently that he was fired because he lied on his application.  I tried to hide in another state and had all of my records redacted so that he would not know my location. But he told my attorney exactly where I live. That's how I found out he has been tracking my phone.  I guess my attorney now assumes that I'm loopy and told him where I was going. We were together for 12 years and I was placed on disability 10 years ago. Update: I've reached out to my attorney and had a little heart to heart with him. I guess I just jumped the gun on his responses to me. He was very understanding and said that his suggestion to settle for less was an effort to keep me from having to endure anymore emotional trauma. He had seen how drastic my demeanor/behavior changed when being faced with my ex-husband (soon to be ex-husband). He knew I had been through some bad things with my ex.

Sincerely,

“Flew the Coup”

Dear “Flew the Coup”,

     I’m glad to hear everything turned out well with your attorney but have you considered possibly getting a consult with a few other attorneys to see what they say?  It is a conflict of interest if your soon to be Ex is having conversations about you with your attorney.  I’m glad to hear that things are coming to a close for you. As for your son, there is not much you can do about the situation because he is an adult so all you can do is respect his decision.  I wouldn’t even bring it up in conversation because that will make you look like the bad guy.  Try your best to leave him out of it.  Narcissists are masters of manipulation and I wouldn’t doubt if he was buying your sons support or simply making up lies and passing them off as truth.  I found that when you are in the midst of a smear campaign there is little you can do to protect yourself from the gossip because people rarely ask for your version.  Keep documenting the crazy and file police reports if need be.  I would contact your local court house and see a victims advocate about the E-stalking.  In my own experience, the police won’t do much unless you have been harmed even if you have a P.O. against the nut case.  The good news is that laws are beginning to change and this type of harassment is starting to become more recognized.  You just might get lucky and find someone who is willing to step up to the plate and help you protect yourself against electronic stalking.  The first steps I would take is throwing that cell phone in the garbage and getting a prepaid with no paper trail back to you.  Get a P.O. Box and just wait it out.  I would love to help more with the electronic stalking but I’m finding myself in the same situation where nobody will help unless they show up on my doorstep.  It’s amazing to me because we get stalking orders so that our stalkers stop following us and tormenting us but we find little protection when they find our locations electronically and just have to wait in fear until they show up.  If any of the readers does have a stalking order and police took electronic violations seriously please message the page and let us know what happened!  Good Luck to you!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems "Falsely Accused"

 Dear Narcissist Problems,

So, he gas lighted me for 5 years. Including moving things in the house. He tried to make me think I was losing my memory and ability to make sound judgements. He lied and denied things he said or did, that I saw. He convinced his coworkers that I'm a control freak, convinced his family I'm unstable, discredited me to my friends, made me look like an incapable parent, projected his feelings that I'm a bad person down my throat. So I am getting a divorce. My daughter told me her dad tickles her vagina. I told the therapist. Cps was called. He is so good that even with the other incidents of abuse and my daughter’s symptoms they dropped the case. He made it look like I was spinning information and that I'm crazy. His therapist thinks I have serious issues and need a psych evaluation in court. His lawyer thinks I'm nuts and his parents won't talk to me. The worst part... My lawyer decided not to take my case, she referred me to another lawyer, and he won't take my case. I called my original lawyer with no response from her. He's taking me to court and I have no representation and am forced to sign on papers I don't know how to read... Legal jargon. We had sex three times in 6 years, he ignored, rejected, humiliated, projected, used porn and refused his wife, lied constantly, double standards, got his needs met by our 5 yrs. old daughter. He provoked me constantly, threatened to call the cops on me, and stonewalled. No closure, no conflict resolution. Denied all his abusive behaviors or blamed me, used dating sites... Which he denies, he lived a double life while smearing me to his people... He also kept me away from those people. He had more contempt and disrespect then I knew was possible. He has another personality for the public. My daughter and I both had PTSD, but I can't get a lawyer.

Sincerely,

“Falsely Accused”

Dear “Falsely Accused”,

One of the most difficult situations we will ever be in with a Narcissist is when we are forced into a courtroom battle that involves our children.  Since starting this page I have heard from numerous people who have described your exact situation and this is why I want and need more people like yourself to write the page and let us know what is going on in our family court system today.  Unfortunately, these people are very good at making us appear to be crazy to the point that lawyers do not want to represent us.  The case is not easily shut and closed as we spend months and years dealing with false allegations and being court ordered into psychiatric evaluations or worse actually being forced into a mental institute based solely on the false allegation.  What we have to say about our experiences with the family court system is met with disbelief as normal people do not believe that the courts or a governmental agency is able to remove our human/civil rights with zero evidence of wrongdoing.  Guess what folks, it is happening.  Every. Single. Day.  Until we bring an awareness to this situation we are going to get lost in the system and have our lives stripped away from us by the family court system.  The way it works is that a false allegation will be made against an otherwise healthy/normal person usually to child protective services.  Child Protective Services can then remove the parent rights of the falsely accused based on little evidence of wrong doing and hearsay.  The parent is then left to defend themselves against these allegations and usually forced to sign papers before court without understanding exactly what they are signing.  A parent will assume that they are agreeing to evaluations with the idea that this will prove that they are innocent of the false allegations but what happens when that paper is signed is the exact opposite.  The signature is then used as proof that the parent falsely accused has admitted guilt of wrong doing; when they were under the impression that they were trying to prove their innocence by cooperating with the government.  Further, the standard of evidence for a family court case is lower than the standard used in the criminal court systems.  Also, there is no right to a trial by a jury of our peers.  The family court system is becoming a breeding grounds for abusers to father abuse their victims and we need to stand up against this injustice!  Nothing good comes from secrets and the family court system is a very secret affair.  The only option we have is to maintain our innocence, keep speaking the truth, research laws, and take our own cases Pro Se.  I know it is not advisable to represent yourself in a court of law but when we are given no choice this is what we must do in order to prevail.  If we sit and do nothing, not one person will care that we are not represented, and that is including the judge.  The next hearing I suggest asking the judge for a lawyer and request a continuance.  Become very familiar with your state laws, case law, and be prepared to fight for yourself.  Document the crazy and bring that documentation with you to court!  Document dates, times, what was said etc.  Document even the little things.  Do not be afraid to contact the police and report the crazy.  Just keep this thought in mind when you feel you are being too hard on crazy “They would do this to me and worse”.  Many times we have trouble calling the police when the crazies are acting crazy because we feel we are being irrational or hypersensitive and it will make us look worse in court.  The more people you can get involved with the witnessing of this abuse the better for you besides the obvious of protecting yourself and your children.  Let his lawyer think what they want, let his parents think what they want, and let the whole damn town think what they want.  The only thing that matters is that you keep speaking the truth even if your voice shakes and even if you are standing alone looking like a lunatic because nobody believes you.  If you lose your children to this monster, appeal.  Then you continue appealing until your case is heard in federal court because THAT is how laws are changed.  Do not flinch at their judgements but stand strong and know that you are not alone!  If we continue to spread awareness of this situation it will force our law makers to take a closer look!  Good Luck to you!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Help"

 

 

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Hello, I didn't feel safe posting this on the wall. After 1 year and a half, 4 day trial in court I have finally divorced the most perfect narcissist who follows every single bullet from all narcissist posts. He fits like a glove. He’s done it all. I have been harassed, abused, stalked, threatened, intimidated, and my story is one of many, very sad... now I’m divorced, happy to say everything went fine in court but... he has not stopped. He keeps threatening in his emails, intimidating me, creating problems where there’s none.... my heart skips a bit when I see his mail in my inbox. I can barely breathe and I start shaking as I open one. (We have joint physical custody of 2 precious little girls. Therefore email contact stays open, and he sure abuses it to get to me. I have taken the free services of LAWS for counseling but we have no more available. I went from being unemployed ( stay home mom ) when separation started, to having a fulltime job ( starting September ) now part time, having my own rental place, paying for everything, as he is not paying the child support or alimony... I have done a miracle so to say in a year and a half... BUT.................................. I need tools, I need mental help to deal with him after court, after attorneys... I need guidance... can anyone help me??? Where can I go? He left us without health insurance... I got my kids insured but I still have no health insurance... so I need some sort of free service offered by any support group?

Sincerely,

“Help”

 

Dear “Help”,

   Thank you for the question and you asked a great one! I have some good and bad news for you. The bad news is that he will never stop.  The good news for you is that you have a highly arrogant narcissist on your hands.  What I am understanding from your message is that you have limited contact with your ex-husband?  If so, congratulations!  The key to dealing with a narcissist is to not react to their provoking.  There only goal is to illicit a reaction from you whether it is positive or negative.  When he is there writing those emails and picturing your response he is getting high.  If you actually do respond and acknowledge whatever he said to provoke you it would probably be the equivalent of what a heroin addict feels just after shooting up.  From what I’ve seen in the movies the high a drug addict feels after shooting up is greater than experiencing 20+ orgasms at the same time.  Do not feed his addiction.  Only give response that would involve your business with him and that is raising two girls.  If he sends a nasty email you can do one of two things A) root out the point (visitation, rescheduling, appointments) B) have someone you trust open your emails from him and have the trusted other root out the point.  Only respond to the point in a matter of fact tone only stating facts and clarifying facts.  No emotion and no reaction.  My best guess is that he only is trying to share custody with you to avoid paying child support.  Narcissists are great controllers, manipulators, and liars so don’t you ever forget that.  Their main goal is me, mine, and myself.  What you need to do in this situation is document the crazy.  Document the tactics he is using in his emails.  Print each email, get out a highlighter, and go to town highlighting every behavior you observe that you have learned about in these groups and on these pages.  Educate yourself on this abuse so you know what you are looking for.  Get a binder, get some clear binder inserts and start a case file.  Also, keep a journal.  You want to write in a daily journal time, date, what happened that day, did anything out of the ordinary happen (strange phone call from any agencies/businesses, strange mail, strange people),  If something or someone strange comes along document what happened (what did they say, do, have you seen them before, what were they wearing, what were they driving, license plate number, etc.), keep in your journal notes (I received an email today about____ and in the email I was threatened because ___).  You want to be your own personal advocate as far as this goes.  You want to be your very own private eye, call yourself “Friday”, and never forget you are building a case against this person.  Research your own state stalking/harassment laws, make police reports, in fact, become besties with your local PD so they know you in case something does happen.  Get your daughters into counseling.  I’m sure for the moment he might be treating them great because he has an agenda of making them hate you.  He is probably spoiling them and most likely bad mouthing you in the process.  Using your children as spies.  When this doesn’t work out he will discard the children as well so make sure you have “the change” well documented so it collaborates with all his nasty emails.  I know you want to shake like a leaf and run away.  You probably hide in your home a lot and peek out of your curtains at every little noise you hear.  Your heart probably jumps when the phone rings.  It’s time for you to get angry.  You do not deserve to be treated this way and how dare him to think that he can get away with this!  I am not saying become confrontational but become a solid rock; he can’t penetrate your being to the core.  He is a pesky fly on a hot summer night with no breeze that keeps trying to land on your sweaty face.  He is the mosquito buzzing in your ear all night but too small to find when you turn the light on.  He is the mildew that keeps growing in your basement bathroom.  He is the splinter in your finger that you can’t dig out.  He is the handle on a 24 pack of Coke that rips and makes all your cans hit the pavement and explode when you are walking from the grocery store to the car.  This is what you are dealing with and if I had all night to keep writing about things he could be equated to…. I would.  I’m sure you get the point, do not react.  As for help, joining support groups on Facebook geared toward narcissistic abuse is a great place to start.  Most of the groups I have joined have been amazing.  They are a great place to surround yourself with people who “get it”.  Just do a search through Facebook “Narcissistic abuse” “parental alienation” “High conflict spouse” “mental health advocate”.  I will send you some links to a few of the groups I participate in.  Most of them I joined over a year ago so I’ll send the ones I trust.  As for outside help, contact a local domestic abuse shelter or your county court house and ask where you can locate an advocate.  If you are struggling, go to your local DHS office and see if you qualify for any assistance/health insurance.  Also, contact local hospitals and see if they offer low income health clinics.  Use as many services as you need until you can get back on your feet again.  This is what they are for.  You can do this!  You are strong enough, you deserve to succeed, and one day you will look back on this horrible situation with gratitude because it has made you so strong.  Never forget, Document the crazy!  Prepare yourself to end up in court and never expect his help with anything financially.  Moreover, be careful who you share your problems with because a narcissist is a great manipulator and will use others as flying monkeys to come wreak havoc in your life.  You got this!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems