Dear Narcissist Problems,
Just wanted to thank you for creating this wonderful resource! For the
past 10 months my biological family has ex-communicated me, my husband and our
3 special needs kids. Most of the posts you post relate to my story. Lately, my
Mother has been sending round the message that she wants to reconnect
"just the 2 of us" now that she has firmly secured the opinions of my
family and extended family. This
week, after hearing that I had been in a near-fatal car accident, she decided
to call me. I cannot begin to tell you how much your page has empowered me and
clarified the Narcissistic behavior pattern. I had the ability to distance and
"check through the checklist." Classic tactics et. all.
Still very hard to deal with the fact that this IS my family - but clarity goes a long way...
Thank you!
Still very hard to deal with the fact that this IS my family - but clarity goes a long way...
Thank you!
A week after the phone call, my
mother wrote me, I responded, and then my father monkey danced at me and I
debated if/how to respond. Considering full 'no contact' but a little anxious.
Below is the exchange:
Dear A****a,
I’ve been thinking about our conversation a lot. I am so sorry for the
pain that I have caused you. I’m sure we both never meant to hurt each other or
anyone else. The question is what happens now. A*a and I are not in favor of
the group mediation idea. But I am happy to work with you with the aid of a
therapist of your choice. I think we can attack the main issues that are
bothering you from my understanding of the phone conversation. I would also be
happy to visit the kids at your in-laws, for example, so that you are
comfortable with the arrangement. I truly love and care about you and will try
to do the best that I can in the interest of shalom. You can call any time to
arrange a visit or pick up money if and when you are ready to do so. I wish
only health and happiness for you and your family. Much love always.
Dear I******a,
I accept your apology for the past, though I find it somewhat
frightening that someone with your life experience would not realize that
ostracizing one's own flesh and blood through fallacies would be hurtful. Am I
to understand that A*a is not interested in reconstructing a relationship with
me? Or that, you are not interested in having A*a be part of the process? Since
my husband and I have been punished as a unit for each other’s fictitious
"wrongdoings", I believe that it is only right to repair the
relationship as a unit, as well. I don't know that I would call it "group
therapy" so much as clarifying the rules of our relationship, for the
benefit of the future. This is not about the past, so much as about the future.
A trained family mediator would be able to clarify to us healthy patterns of
behavior so as not to create hurt in the future. Although I appreciate your
good will, I do not believe it to be prudent to re-introduce the children at
this point. I would like to know that there was security in the relationship
first - they have suffered greatly from rejection and I would not want them to
have to go through this again. As of now we have not experienced a parental
relationship with you over the past 11 months, we do not feel that it would be
appropriate to accept your thoughtful financial offer at this point. Thank you
for your good wishes, wishing you all the best,
A***a Dear A***a, I*a has nothing to
do with me in this. My position has been clear from the start – you created
this machlokes (fight) for no reason. And you are incapable of hearing anyone
else’s point of view. If you had a drop of humility you would say “gee what did
I do to drive my parents and siblings away? MAYBE I made a mistake. MAYBE I did
something wrong. Instead you blame everyone else. EVERYONE is lying, EVERYONE
has done me wrong. NO ONE has ever done anything for me! You know that van you
just wrecked? I paid for it out of my own pocket, just like I paid for your
first van. But no one has done ANYTHING for you. You have left a paper trail.
You wrote several people how you want nothing to do with your family. YOUR
FAMILY!!!! You created this for no reason. It was none of your business. You
have spoken to relatives in America badmouthing us and M******m. I CAN PROVE
IT! I spoke to the people. You have been incredibly disloyal, a true kofei tov.
Nothing that anyone has ever done for you, not the HUNDREEDS of hours that I*a
spent on the phone with you, nothing is appreciated. No A***a, I WILL NOT play
your game. So keep beating up on I*a the only one who has been your advocate in
the family to try to get them to see you in a positive light. The family is OUTRAGED
by your behavior. Only I*a tries to defend you. After all you have said and
done you have the gall to accuse I*a of lying! Halevi (I wish) I*a made it up!
I wish you had never said or did all the things you did in the past YEAR. If at
some time in the future, perhaps with the help of a professional. You can look
yourself honestly in the mirror and say “Maybe I did something wrong” then I
will be willing to discuss it. But I will not descend into the insanity that
you have created. When a sibling is in trouble, the family rallies around them.
Everyone did that (and does that) except you. What kind of a mother uses their
own children as pawns in their twisted game? Of all you have done that is the
most horrific. I pray for you and C*****a and the children every day. May
Hashem (God) be good to all of you.
Love, A******a (Yes I still love you
in spite of all you have done)
machlokes = fight,
Hakoros Ha'tov = gratitude
Halevai = I wish
Hashem = G-d
Sincerely,
“Oy Vey!”
Dear “Oy Vey”,
Thank you for
following the page and I am glad to hear the posts have been helpful for you in
your situation. I felt extremely unsure
of how to tackle this message because of the mixture of a religion I have no
experience with. I do not know what is
culturally “acceptable” and then I realize these issues really do cross every
cultural barrier so let’s start with the unwillingness to go to group therapy
on your mother’s part as she would rather get you into therapy….alone…with her. It seems a common tactic of manipulation for
a narcissist to get their victim into therapy alone with them. This allows for the further manipulation
through the therapist. I do believe most
therapists will recognize this but there is always the chance that they won’t. I think your suggestion to keep all involved
so there wouldn’t be any “misunderstandings” was a great. Also, the fact that you wanted to keep your
husband involved was great. If anything
I would seek therapy on your own without the involvement of others. As for the mediator I am unsure why this is
necessary? Are we talking of a legal
mediator because there are children involved or a spiritual mediator to heal
the rift in the family? I will go under
the assumption that it is to mediate the family rift. Again, mediation should involve all parties
and should not be done in secret with only your mother and who she picks and
choses to be present. Anyone affected by
the situation should be present so there aren’t any future
misunderstandings. As for the children,
it is a good idea to keep them out of the circus. To my understanding your mother is trying to
control you from across an ocean so I can only imagine what goes on when she is
up close and personal. While we are on
the topic of “No Contact”, this is a deeply personal choice. We go no contact with our family for many
different reasons, usually when the situation is so emotionally or physically
abusive that we are pushed into a corner and we have a “fight or flight”
reaction. I can’t really give advice on
this for your situation as this will be a decision that you will have to mull
over with your husband and/or a therapist.
The bottom line being “The best interest of the children”. It seems as if you have a really good handle
on the situation with the low contact so I would keep monitoring it. The main
issue I see is putting the involvement of flying monkeys at bay and the
recruitment of flying monkeys. In my own family I did have to go no contact so
I know how hard this is for you. Try not
to make any decisions out of spite but a good look at the reality of your
relationship with your family. Good luck to you in the New Year and if you need
any support just let me know!
Regards,
Narcissist Problems
