Dear Narcissist Problems, "Parental Concerns"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Hey I'm really struggling with my narc at the moment.  He walked away from our child for 2 years for a woman and when it suited him ( because they had broken up ) he wanted my son in his life again I struggled for months with this I know what he's capable of he has emotionally traumatized my wee boy. The only reason I let him is because I used to have a serious drinking problem but am 3 years sober now and I could see how I was guilty of a lot myself like: played games, I provoked him purposely, I would always go back to him not that that excused his behavior.  He was cold, nasty, and unhuman towards me and my children but I can see my part.  Since getting sober I have learned to be healthy and have boundaries and good people around me and I have my faith so I thought since I had changed maybe he could too.  This went against everything I knew about narcs but 2 years and my son was still crying every night for dad so I let him back but with very strict boundaries and the last several months he has been good. He still tries to play games and snarky comments and mind games and the flirting despite him having a new gf but I shut it down n don't play into it.  This weekend after having 2 sick kids all week he had my son stay and started playing games with refusing to go get him medicine or letting me bring any over...eventually he did but he wound me up for a hour thinking my son was going to go without while he was sick and he loved that he got a reaction. I had sensed it was driving him nuts not being able to get a reaction for so long when I used to be so predictable so I think he knew how exhausted I was and jumped on his chance. Nobody I talk to understands why this has upset me so much but it's because I can see he's still exactly the same cold narcissist he's always been. Using my child's wellbeing to get a reaction from me it brought up all the stuff he's done to us in past. I try to not judge him on the past but it's hard. Everyone I've spoken to keeps saying no matter what he's still his father he has a right to have overnight access but after that I don't want to send him I wouldn't stop it completely that would mess with my boy but I don't want him there overnight by himself.  It reminded me I don't trust him with our child despite a few months of ok behavior I know who he is.  I desperately need advice on what I should do? There's no custody agreement as he walked away for so long so balls in my court. I want my son to have a dad but I'm scared of the damage it's doing by me giving him chance after chance. I get what others are saying that he needs to learn to be a dad and be patient but do narcs actually love their kids? Am I doing serious damage letting this man in his life?

Sincerely,

“Parental Concerns”

Dear “Concerned”,

            I’m really glad you threw in that last part about there not being a custody agreement because that was my first question.  Nobody wants to be a parental alienator.  Further, you have no control over his decision to abandon your child’s life.  You have no control over this man’s manipulative behavior either.  I would immediately stop any unsupervised visits until there is a court order in place.  I would also urge against overnight visits at all.  This man has been absent from your child’s life for years.  While yes he needs to “learn how to parent” it is not your job to teach him or your child’s duty to be a guinea pig.  Your past mistakes are mute at this point.  You have taken the steps to make your life right and are working on yourself to become a better person and to have a positive role in your life.  Stop the visits and site the withholding of medication as a sole reason.  If you did something like this the government would have your ass in court for medical neglect in a heartbeat, especially if something bad happened to the child as a result of the medicine being withheld.  Here is the thing, we are not psychic…or doctors.  We are mothers who are put into place to look after the best interest of our children.  You could not know if the withholding of medicine would seriously harm your child.  At this point, every encounter this man has with your child is evidence for a judge that he has a relationship with said child.  It’s not that you are trying to prevent this man from being a father.  What you need to do is get a court order in place that will allow this transition to take place safely.  Your goal is to have your child build a healthy and stable relationship with his father.  However, manipulating you so early on is a huge red flag that you need to ignore all of the advice you are receiving and head straight into a court.  Good Luck to you and stand firm!  No more unsupervised visits until this man proves he is capable of having them.  It’s one thing to ask for supervised visits for a father who has always been there for his child.  It’s quite another to give unsupervised visits to a known abuser who abandon the child for years.  Stand strong and call the police if you need to.  I would have called the police the minute he started playing games with the child’s health.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Im a Survivor"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

I'd like to suggest posting how it feels when you stay strong, positive and keep moving forward, and take action... It's so indescribable no tension no worry pure happiness and pride and amazement of oneself and its feels amazing I could go on and on but I am finally free of control and can't wait to drive my life.

Sincerely,

“I’m a Survivor”

Dear “Survivor”,

     I totally agree!  We do focus a lot on the negative around here and I love your suggestion!  I’ve actually been reflecting a lot lately on how much has changed in my life since going No Contact with my narcissist and anyone who enabled that person.  At first, it feels miserable!!!  In my own situation I went no contact with my mother and then many family members as a result.  I ruminated about how I could go on without these key people in my life.  Who am I without them?  Can I survive without them?  But the most important question I’ve ever had to ask myself and reflect on for a very VERY long time would be “Am I doing the right thing for my own children?”  I spent so long wondering where things had gone wrong and what I could do to fix them that I finally reached a point of realization that these people were slowly killing me.  I had been gutted.  I spent time reflecting on my childhood and how I always felt a sense of connection to my family.  What I did not take into account is that most of that connectedness was in the form of chaos and drama.  That connectedness was a form of connectedness was slowly tearing me apart one humiliation, degradation, and lie at a time.  We truly can’t tear ourselves apart in order to keep others whole and nor should we be expected to.  Especially from family.  After deciding, no family is better than family who actively tries to destroy you from the inside out!  I thought about my children growing up lonely and without those connections but I have made peace in that I know with all of my heart that I had to break this generational pattern of dysfunction.  While I struggle to make holiday traditions or anything else I never learned how to do growing up, I think I’m doing a great job as a mother. 

What happens once you leave a narcissist?

            The first thing that will happen is that your levels of anxiety will slowly wane.  You will probably spend a few months or years afraid to leave your home.  But! Once that anxiety passes you will be filled with a sense of ambition and excitement for life!  Yes you!! The one sitting there in the same clothes without showering for three days because you are depressed or afraid to be caught vulnerable naked in the shower by a random narc attack.  This fear will pass and you will be motivated to finally break out of that image the narcissist created for you and live your life!!

Second,

You analyze yourself.  You read books, you join support groups, and you get into therapy.  You think you know who you are but you have spent so many years being told who you are that at this point you really need to find out the truth.  Being with a narcissist in any relationship will wear you down to your core.  You will leave that relationship feeling like an utter failure. A loser, a whore, a liar, a cheat, a drug addict, a horrible parent, a basket case, a control freak, and even possibly an abuser.  You are no good and dirty!  You are a shame and you are guilty of it!  Who knows what it is, but you did it or do it! 

Now is the time to discover the truth and what you find will amaze you!!!   You find out that you are do not have every negative trait known to mankind all in one body.  You are compassionate and caring!  You are creative and intelligent!  Most importantly, YOU are capable of achieving anything you set your heart and mind to.

Third,

You do everything you have set your heart and mind to.  You take the steps necessary to building a better life.  A beautiful life.  You take the steps to finally build the life you deserve!  You are finally ready to be you and to be the best you YOU can be!  Unapologetically you.  You start writing and encouraging others who are where you were last year.  You take classes.  You finish that college degree.  You create art.  You redecorate.  You apply for your dream job and you get it!  BECAUSE YOU ARE CAPABLE AND YOU DESERVE IT!!!

Fourth,

You stop to feel grateful that you had the courage to leave.

Fifth,

Just like with abuse you realize there are setbacks in your healing and recovery as well.  There are highs and there will be lows.  These lows come in the form of self-doubt, grief, failing to build proper boundaries in new relationships, paranoia, or a random trigger like a police siren.  This is when you know you have the strength and courage to continue on.  You force yourself out of these negative feelings and the cycle of healing begins again.  You read, you share, and you continue setting goals and smashing them.  There has been a fire lit in your soul and never again in your life will you allow anyone to squelch it.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems