Showing posts with label #narcissists. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #narcissists. Show all posts

March 16, 2018

Dear Narcissist Problems "Postal Stalker"


Dear Narcissist Problems,






Dear Narcissist Problems,

I’m almost freaked out even writing you because of the narcissism but I need some quick advice. My ex husband is a diagnosed as a narcissist and has put me and my child through hell to make me pay for leaving him. I could show you so many games he plays- the most recent was him sending his monthly post card to my child (he never calls) and he wrote her name on the postcard with his address then crossing it out with two lines and put my address. This was, as you know, a mind game to make her think the judge is removing her from her life, Mom, and sister and making her move to another state with him who she has no contact with.


What is the post card mind game? He sends one a month, usually 2-4 days before his child support comes. Does he just know it has me living in fear of what’s next? Can I make him stop? We go to court soon for custody ruling and when the judge finds out that he has zero contact except for this monthly post card and that he illegally moved our marital property out of state and sold it.... I’m scared of what he’ll do next. My attorney has played so many games with him and he’s walked into every one. So, can you tell me what the post card game is?


Btw.. I started reading one of your books and it put me into a panic because it’s so exhausting and draining. I’m so tired of the games. He now has a new girlfriend who I know is just a game for him but whatever. Ugh I just know you’re probably the best person to ask about the postcard thing.

(Response from Narcissist Problems: If you moved and left a forwarding address it would send the card back to him with your new address. Do you want me to post anonymously? Phone is dying. I'll write more when I get to my house).

We live in a military base and can’t move at the moment. Legally I have to give him the address where our child is. At least for now. Yea.. can you list it anonymously? I had a mother just like him and then I married that idiot now I’ve had to fight the fight of my life for custody so he can’t destroy my daughter. Because destroying her destroys me. So far he hasn’t won anything and everything has backfired on him because my attorney is very experienced in narcissism and has cornered him- which scares me because I don’t know what he’ll do after court when he realizes he’s done. So I’ve put things in place legally in case he does anything to me. Then again, I don’t think he’ll ruin his military career because that’s all he has to make people respect him.





Sincerely,





“Military Mind Games”











Dear “Military Mind Games”,

Your message has been weighing on my mind and I needed to give this some thought before posting this. This is exactly what narcissists do to their victims! They make us scared when we leave to the point that we second guess ourselves and their motives. Make no mistake about this; while your narcissist LOVES the mind games their ultimate goal is power and control over you. These people do not think like normal people do. You are in a legal battle and unfortunatley the rules rarely apply to them because they are rarely punished for what they put us through even if it is illegal. There will always be a believable excuse! He sold your property? Do you know what he plans on telling the judge? “Your Honor, I had to sell the property to get away from her because she was making my life a living hell”. The fact of the matter is that he has probably made more than a few police reports where the police found no evidence of you doing anything wrong BUT now those reports are on file with the police department for him to show a judge. I would get a FOIA request form and send it to gather the police records where the two of you lived and to the city where he moved for whatever time periods are relevant for each location.


Ok so these post cards….


Narcissists know exactly what they are doing and just because you are following the rules doesn’t mean they will. He expects you to take your children and run. Hell, any sane person would contemplate a life on the run just to stop our children from being abused. This is what the narcissist would do… so the narcissist also expects that this is what you will do! However, the narcissist is acting out of a place of spite and revenge and not out of protecting their child. As you said you are sick of the games and this is exactly what the post card is. The narcissist is always thinking ahead. They strategize their game plan based on all the possibilities of things that YOU might do in reaction to their abuse….. Moving and disappearing is on that list for your narcissist. When you say you “can’t” move what I hear is “I can’t move yet because I’m financially drained but once I’m stable I’m out!” I don’t think there is a law requiring you to live on that military base (where he most definately has flying monkeys so if you have a friend on that base stop sharing personal information with them especially about your divorce and your future plans!). Also, never underestimate a pissed off narcissist! “I don’t think he’ll ruin his military career because that’s all he has to make people respect him.” (You, 2018). Think again, he will try to get away with what he needs to get away with but sometimes a narcissist will be so pissed off that even if they get caught they will consider it worth it. Don’t give this narcissist the opportunity for revenge.


This monthly post card is in anticipation of your move. It’s a slow conditioning so that when you DO disappear, if that card is not already marked “Service address requested” then it will be once this case is over and you will never notice because your so used to getting the card already!


Get a P.O. box and NEVER use your address for anything! Even utilities use a p.o. Box and regularly google yourself to see if you pop up on those websites like Spokeo or people search and then request that they remove that information immediatley.


The post card is more than just a mind game for the two of you…. It’s a method of stalking in the event that you move without leaving him your address. The United States Postal Service call this an ancillary service endorsement.


Depending on the purpose of your mailing, you may want those pieces forwarded to customers who have moved, or you may want a corrected address returned to you. Ancillary service endorsements include five basic phrases that are printed on the address side of your mail piece:


  • Address Service Requested 
  • Return Service Requested 
  • Change Service Requested 
  • Forwarding Service Requested 
  • Electronic Service Requested 


Undeliverable mail is handled differently depending on the class of mail, the endorsement you use, and how recently your customer has moved. Some of these actions have fees associated with them and may cost you money. (USPS, 2018).


For Address Service Requested, Return Service Requested, or Forwarding Service Requested by sender then this is what the time frame looks like after you have changed your address in most cases:


Months 1 through 12: mailpiece forwarded; notice of new address provided, address correction fee charged.


Months 13 through 18: mailpiece returned with new address attached


After 18 months or if undeliverable at any time: mailpiece returned with reason for non delivery attached.


Return Service Requested: No forwarding, only return. New address notification provided.


IF there is NO ENDORSEMENT placed on the postcard/letter by the sender then the mail will be handled by class and then “Same treatment as “Forwarding Service Requested.” USPS Retail Ground, Media Mail and Library Mail forwarded as postage due to the addressee. If refused or being returned, mailer pays postage at the appropriate single-piece price 3 (507.1.5.4).”


What you are experiencing is more than just a mind game…. It is stalking. Your narcissist is stalking you months before you even know that you are going to need help. When this is over and you need to disappear and he later finds you….. This is how it happened. Take precautions to protect yourself because I find this very disturbing. The fact that he is already hunting you down before you “need” to be says A LOT….. regardless of military career.



Regards,


May 12, 2017

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This book is filled with Narcissistic predicaments every survivor finds themselves in. This forecast of narcissistic moods and behaviors should be read by anyone who is dating, getting married, getting divorced, wondering why your family hates you, questioning your sanity, or if you are just human and leave your house with the possibility of interacting with other humans. If you have listened to others who have experienced life with a narcissist then you know it's as if every narcissist was handed a playbook that guides them on how to abuse their victims to inflict the maximum amount of damage. If there ever was a Narc Manual then this is it. The knowledge within these pages will help you spot narcissistic behavior in order to avoid forming relationships with toxic people while simultaneously being your "ah ha" moment if you happen to already be in one of these high conflict nightmares. The information provided here is for both men and women and is not intended to be used as a tool for learning how to manipulate a narcissist. This is for your own knowledge to protect yourself from emotional and psychological abuse. I’m sharing this with the hopes that when and/or if you spot this behavior you can steer clear of these train wrecks.



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March 4, 2017

What to do when going No Contact is not an option


If you are divorcing or "counterparenting" with a narcissist then going no contact might not be an option. Here are some ways to protect yourself against false allegations or worse


Dear Narcissist Problems,


I have recently married a person who I thought was the woman of my dreams but it turns out that I have just signed up for a nightmare with someone I believe is a narcissist. To make things more complicated we have a young son together.

Things seemed to go downhill soon after we got married. Today she started another argument and she started shouting and yelling in front of our son. I ask her to stop raising her voice and calm down for our sons sake. After I asked her multiple times to stop, I picked up my son and said that I was taking him to his grandma's house so he didn’t have to listen to his parents argue.

I didn’t raise my voice to her once. I simply disengaged from the arguement in an effort to leave before the situation got out of control. When I said I was leaving she picked up the phone and dialed 911 (the emergency number, you know for emergencies…) and continues to scream into the phone and told the operator that I was abducting our son.

Long story short the police arrived, they asked her to calm down and that I’m allowed to take my son anywhere I want. Then they suggested that one of us leave the home – which is exactly what I was trying to do before she called them.

The officer said that he has to file a report and it will get forwarded to social services.

We live in a nice neighborhood and I was embarrassed that the cops even had to come to my quiet street and now I'm just numb at what insanity just took place.

I want to end this relationship but I'm affraid that if I leave she will not let me see our son. After this incident I'm also affraid that she will continue to call the police on me and try to get me arrested for things that I have not done. I don't know how to deal with this and never thought I would end up in a situation like is happening. I could use any advice you have. What do I do?

Sincerely,

"Honeymoon is over"

Dear "Honeymoon",

It seems as if you are getting ready to step into a high conflict divorce so I would arm yourself with knowledge on how to protect yourself against false allegations of abuse to her and to your child. You need a plan immediately and should consult with a family law attorney sooner rather than later. I'm not going to sugar coat this because you really need to see the gravity of your situation for what it probably is, as I write this your wife and her friends are probably plotting to take you down, take your assets, and your son.

This information is good to keep on hand if you are a man or a woman going through a divorce with a narcissist as either can be highly manipulative. You can find yourself in so many horrible situations that you won't even know what hit you and if a narcissist can ruin your relationship with your child then they will so be prepared for that!

10 Steps to protect yourself against false allegations while divorcing a narcissist


1. Consult with an Attorney.

You need to get a consulation with an attorney who specialized is family law and has some experience dealing with false allegations to abuse. You need to get in touch with an attorney as soon as possible because as the police officer stated he was submiting a file to social services.

This means that you and your wife will soon be getting a knock on the door from a social worker who will be there to investigate you both for abuse or neglect. Don't make the mistake of not protecting yourself at this very critical stage of your issue. These are legal matters that can and will determine your future relationship (if any!) you will have with your child!

2. You need to document the crazy!!!!


Start documenting all future interactions. Divorcing a narcissist can quickly turn into your worst nightmare as the abuse progresses. You want to have every single interaction documented so that things can't later be manipulated or just made up.

Communicate via e-mail, text. When you talk via Skype, have a screen recorder/audio recorder on. When things are getting heated at home, have a pocket recorder.
 In many states, it’s legal to record if you’re a party to the conversation and you give consent to being recorded (i.e. you don’t need her consent).
In states that it isn’t legal, You should do it anyway for your own peace of mind to counter any lies or gaslighting you encounter later. You are not losing your mind you are being narcissized!

 Follow up every single interaction with an email to state your understanding of events! When sending e-mails, in this instance it could be a quick “Dear Wife, I wanted to take our son out of the home because it is not healthy for him to see and hear either of his parents angry and screaming at the people he loves. When you were yelling at me your words were hurting him a lot” etc. If you can set up the email so that it documents that the email has been opened.

Here is a list of everything you need to document the crazy if you can't go No Contact with a narcissist

3. Don't stay silent because you are embarassed!

 Many victims of narcissists both male and female make the mistake of trying to keep the lid on the explosion that is about to take place. This happens either out of embarassment or shame.
Start sharing your situation with people you trust. Do not go talk to people you are mutually friends with trying to convince them that you are not a bad person. These are typically people who in your gut you know will talk to your spouse in a heart beat about anything you say or do so avoid these people like the black plague!

At this point in the narcissistic nightmare your narc is building a sizable witness list. You need to do the same. Take your son with you to someone your trust and share what has just happened. Make a point to also never discuss what is going on infront of your son! This is key! Children should never be thrown into adult situations so just don't!

4. Install surveilance cameras.

 At this moment, you and your wife are in verbal confrontation. This has a high potential to escalate into a physical confrontation as she provokes you. She can hit you, and then claim you hit her even if you call the cops. You need solid evidence to keep you from being imprisoned because this is a favorite tactic of narcissists when they are losing control of a situation.

The reality of the situation is that if it’s just her word against yours, you ARE going to jail. Instead, what you want to do is this: record EVERYTHING especially in your home especially if she is already exhibiting aggressive behavior towards you. Wait for her to call the cops. When she does, pull all the footage from the hidden cameras and show it to them.

Then, charge her with falsification/harassment. I know there are women reading this shaking their heads saying this information will help narcissistic male abusers but think about that line of thought real quick. If everything is being recorded then wouldn't that protect you both from false accusations?

5. Separate financially and be open and honest about it so she is aware.

Don't pull a scum bag manuever where the two of you have agreed that she will be a stay at home mom while you work and then close the accounts leaving her with zero means to get by, homeless and starving. That is also abusive behavior.

 If there are any disputes talk to your lawyer about them, document them, and sort it out in court but try to be as fair as possible because this action will say way more than words ever can especially in a courtroom when you will be accused of financial abuse. Make sure you document every last cent that is going in and out of any accounts. Take out your share of cash from the joint accounts, give her a share, and document it! Further, immediately deactivate credit cards that you’re sharing with her. The last thing you need to deal with while divorcing a narcissist are maxed out credit cards!

6. Start building some quality time with your son. You want your son to not be coachable by your wife or her attorney. This is the stage that parental alienation really comes on in full force as an abusive parent tries to make a good parent out to be a child molesting serial killer who is hiding bodies all over the county.

 Try to keep your sons life as stable as possible and try to maintain a positive role model. Take your son out on some amazing trips where you two can bond: fishing, biking, etc. Take pictures of you guys having fun. One night, sit him down and explain what is happening in simple terms. Do NOT use this as an opportunity to bash your wife! Again, don't be that guy.

It's important that your son is aware of big changes that are taking place especially when those changes involve his family separating! Tell him to not be afraid and that you love him and always will. Further, always try to have a third party around instead of just going out with your son alone as many narcissists like to make false allegations of abuse when good parents do spend time alone with their children. Bring along another family member or someone else you would trust with your life.

7. Hire an Attorney. 

This is not the same as getting a consultation with initial advice. You want to be prepared and you do NOT want to have a high conflict divorce without one! Make sure that you give your attorney all your documentation and keep them up to date on what is going on. Everytime a police report is made or a social worker shows up call your lawyer ASAP!


8. Have a home not a bachelor pad! 

You want to see your son after the divorce right? You are in the middle of false allegations of whatever right? You do not want YOUR SON, police, or social services coming to a party pad! Your new home should be inviting, relaxing, and have enough rooms for everyone.

You want to let your son know that there is still space for him in your life. In an effort to do this he will need his own room, toys, and clothing. There is nothing worse for a child than to feel as though they don't belong even if you didn't mean to make them feel that way so always have his space clean and welcoming.


9. Mentally prepare yourself for the coming months or years.

There is nothing worse than divorcing a narcissist if you are not mentally prepared for the long haul ahead of you. You need to research your state laws, federal laws, and anything in between that could have an effect on your situation.

Being mentally prepared also means that you are finding emotional support. You don't necessarily need the support to be from those in your life but surround yourself with people who understand what you are going through. This could start by finding a place to vent when the poo really does hit the fan. It also helps because you will have others to give you perspective on the situation.

Make sure that your support system is not just a breeding ground for hate. If you find yourself in a support group of all men who hate every women on planet earth then this environment can also take a toll on your mental health. All or nothing people can have distorted thinking and they can be men or women so protect your mind from all or nothing view points.

Further, find a therapist who specifically deals with trauma and high conflict relationships. Don't put the therapy off because you will need it. You have to protect your mental health from disease and decay just as you do your body so don't just brush off a therapist because you think your not in need. You will be!

10. File for Divorce and realize that co-parenting with a narcissist in reality is counter-parenting.

You will need to make documenting your interactions with your ex-narcissist. These individuals do not know how to get along for the sake of their children. You need to protect yourself and your children from their toxic behaviors as much as possible. 

It might seem insane to most people that this information even needs to exisist but do yourself a favor and don't ignore a situation that could turn into losing your rights to your child. It happens to men and women every single day because they don't realize what they are up against. A normal person can't even begin to predict the nightmare situations that narcissists will create. When they get into divorce they find out really quickly that child protective services doesn't only show up for abused children they show up to investigate any claim your narcissist can get away with making. Good luck to you!

Regards,

Narcissist problems

September 7, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems: "Suddenly Slapped"


Dear Narcissist Problems,

Hello, I'm needing some advice concerning my wife. After much reading and honest thought, I believe she may be somewhere on the spectrum of NPD. I've been hit in the face multiple times, hard (to which she says, "it was a slap, my hand was opened")....well, I'm a 200# man, and my ears were ringing. She changes into someone else when she's mad. After following her around the country for her PhD (in psychology no less), supporting her all the way, only to have her abandon her dissertation at the last minute, and blame me for her quitting. Recently I believe that we've entered into the devaluation/discard phases. Over the past two years, I've been working on being my best, and feel I've made big improvements. 5 weeks ago, shortly after her getting a big raise, I noticed her not needing me emotionally anymore. She's always been very attention needy, so I knew something was wrong. I checked the phone records and discovered an hour/day phone relationship with a lawyer "friend". It quickly became her primary emotional relationship, and when confronted, she yelled at me for things in the past, and showed anger, not remorse. She's stated repeatedly that she "doesn't have much empathy", and that she "wants a man who would go to the ends of the Earth for her"- which I do. After asking the lawyer to stop talking with her, twice, with no reply, I threatened him with a lawsuit and he cut it off. Now she's angry at me, stringing me along with enough charm to get what she wants, and distant coldness, especially after intimacy. I could go on....but I'm trying to figure out if she is indeed on the spectrum of NPD or something else.

 Thanks much,

Suddenly Slapped

Dear Slapped,

    I would first like to say I do not hold a degree in psychiatry the only thing I can do is give advice from experience and help dig up some research.  Before I get into the research I would like to ask: “What in the hell are you doing with this woman”?  I see so many men stay in abusive relationships and I really need to understand this more.  I already understand why but are you seriously thinking of sticking around to salvage this train wreck?  It sounds to me like it doesn’t really matter how far on the spectrum she is with any disorder she is abusing you physically and financially. I was just participating in a conversation earlier in a group for people who support men who are abused.  This man posted a picture of what his girlfriend did to him.  I’m sure it started out with slaps but over time this escalated to being stabbed with a fork and onto a butcher knife.  He almost died!  This woman has also confessed to you that she has very little empathy, thank god she didn’t finish her dissertation in psychology.  My point is that this woman is toxic and I have seen from experience what an aggressive woman with no empathy is capable of.  They are capable of stabbing you, running you over with a car, and trying to smother you with a pillow in your sleep.  They will make your life a living hell and then tell the police and the courts that YOU were the aggressor.  You stated that you are a 200 pound man and I’m sure as soon as she turns on the water works the authorities will buy her story of self-defense.  Get away from her and make sure you document the crazy!

    As for how far on the spectrum she is According to the DSM-5 there are two criteria that must be filled to diagnose a person with a personality disorder.  Criterion A is used to test an individual’s level of personality functioning.  This is further diagnosed by assessing an individual’s pathological personality traits, Criterion B.  So if you are looking for how far down the spectrum your wife is you would want to ask how extreme her personality traits are.  It can be noted even by experts in the field of psychiatry that “numerous potential inconsistencies in the conceptualization of narcissism, including variants in describing its nature (normal, pathological), phenotype (grandiosity, vulnerability), expression (overt, covert), and structure (category, dimension, prototype). In all four of these areas of conceptualization, DSM descriptions of the concept have been limited.” (Skodol, Bender, & Morey 2014).  It is also noted in this article that there is very little research on narcissistic personality disorder, its manifestations, and treatment available.  As far as psychiatry is concerned the study of this personality disorder is lacking.  This is why you will find so many of these support groups and pages popping up all over the internet.  Victims of Narcissistic Abuse usually have no idea that they were abused or they blame themselves for the abuse and rationalize it away.  Moreover, the topic has such little research into it that when we do go to therapy we are further invalidated in our experiences. 

So what does it take to be diagnosed with NPD?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) - The DSM Criteria

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is listed in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic & Statistical Manual (DSM) as an Axis II, Cluster B (dramatic, emotional, or erratic) Disorder:

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

Requires excessive admiration

Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes


I suggest visiting the above link.

There has been research springing up here and there that recognizes the need to further explore this personality disorder and the conclusion to a recent study was that “Conclusions: These findings suggest that DSM-IV criteria for narcissistic personality disorder are too narrow, underemphasizing aspects of personality and inner experience that are empirically central to the disorder. The richer and more differentiated view of narcissistic personality disorder suggested by this study may have treatment implications and may help bridge the gap between empirically and clinically derived concepts of the disorder.”(2008). This article goes on to say that “Despite its severity and stability (1 , 2) , narcissistic personality disorder is one of the least studied personality disorders.”

Attached is a useful study into the subject that will help you further explore what could be going on.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

 By: Elsa Ronningstam
Harvard Medical School;

Pathological narcissism is characterized by fragility in self-regulation, self-esteem and sense of agency, accompanied by strong self-protective reactivity, emotion dysregulation, and a range of self-enhancing and self-serving behaviors and attitudes. Areas or periods of proactive and healthy narcissism coexist with pathological narcissism. Self-regulatory fluctuations and accompanying shifts in self-esteem are context dependent and affected by situational, that is, interpersonal or event triggered reactivity. The phenotypic presentations of pathological narcissism and NPD range from interpersonal pretentiousness, arrogance, and assertiveness, to insecurity, shyness, and hypersensitivity (Cooper, 1998; Russ et al., 2008). Notable is also that narcissistic individuals’ internal experiences may differ significantly from their overt behavior and descriptive accounts. From an attachment perspective narcissistic personality style and pathological narcissism are suggested to be anchored in a detached-dismissing pattern (disliking attachment to others and preferring investment in interpersonal space and own agency), or in an avoidant pattern (defensive self-sufficiency). In addition, sensitive, vulnerable narcissism has been associated with anxious or fearful preoccupied attachment style (aspiring attachment but anticipating disappointment or rejection; Fonagy, 2001; Dickinson & Pincus, 2003).


Grandiosity and accompanying self-enhancing and self-serving incentives and behavior are part of a self-regulatory spectrum of narcissistic personality functioning. Overt as well as covert signs of both grandiosity and vulnerability coexist and affect narcissistic personality functioning in each situation (Pincus & Lukowitsky, 2010). Sense of competence, control, standards, and achievements are crucial for self-evaluation and self-esteem (Zeigler-Hill, Myers, & Clark, 2010).

Self-agency conceptualizes the subjective awareness and ownership of goal setting, and planning, initiating, executing, and controlling one’s own thoughts, intentions, actions, and accomplishments (Fonagy, Gergely, Jurist, & Target, 2002; Gallagher, 2006; Knox, 2011). It signifies implicit as well as explicit initiation, mastery, and self-direction, and it is a fundamental part of self-regulation and self-esteem. As such self-agency is a potential base for evaluating self-esteem regulation including grandiosity and inferiority. In social-psychological studies of narcissism, self-agency has been introduced to conceptualize narcissistic interpersonal and self-regulatory strategies, such as attention seeking, competitiveness, and self-esteem-enhancing relationships (Foster & Brennan, 2011).

Psychoanalytic studies noted that the subjective experiences of fluctuating or loss of self-agency are especially consequential for people whose sense of self-worth is fragile and whose ability for interpersonal relatedness is compromised (Knox, 2011). Disturbance in self-agency is an essential part of psychopathology (Spengler, von Cramon, & Brass, 2009; Fonagy et al., 2010). For example, schizotypal traits correlate with deficits in prediction which lead to weaker sense of self-agency (Asai & Tanno, 2008; Asai, Sugimori, & Tanno, 2008). Discrepancies between predicted and actual action–effect connection contributed to decreased sense of agency (Sato & Yasuda, 2005; Spengler, von Cramon, & Brass, 2009), and perceived reduced control of events was associated with decreased experience of authorship/instigation (Aarts, Wegner, & Dijksterjuis, 2006).


A young man, Bob 21 years old, dropped out of college and was hospitalized with a range of problems: At the initial evaluation the clinician noticed general anxiety, obsessive–compulsive preoccupation, racing thoughts, social anxiety, avoidance, and suicidality. Family members and friends portrayed Bob to the case-manager as inconsiderate, demanding, and demeaning, with threatening and verbally aggressive behavior, and involved in poly substance abuse. Bob described himself as struggling with internal agony caused by his inconsistent cognitive intellectual functioning, and feeling overwhelmed by insecurity and internal self-criticism. He often felt frustrated with other people; he found them stupid, unpredictable, and difficult to understand. In addition, he had been isolating and engaged in Internet sex-dating where he felt safer and more in control compared with if he tried to meet somebody at bars and parties.

Bob also described the week before being hospitalized; on Friday he met with his professor and began outlining a project for a paper. He thought the meeting went well as he perceived that his ideas were well understood and appreciated by his professor, and he left feeling motivated and competent. On Sunday he spoke in front of 10,000 people at a big sports event at his college. Apparently he did a good job, both according to his own assessment and based on the others’ enthusiastic feedback. With a smile he admitted that he felt he could become a future president of the United States. On Tuesday he found himself unable to speak in front of his class of 8 peer students. It was his turn to present the outline of his project, and just before the class began he experienced sudden anxiety with difficulties holding on to logical thinking and reasoning. When he was about to begin he experienced a total cognitive blockage and had to leave the room. A day later he saw no future for himself and struggled with excruciating self-reproach and intense suicidal ideations and impulses. He admitted that he anticipated critical and “stupid” comments from his peers and feared the anticipation of exposing himself to something he could not control. Most of all, he felt unable to rely upon his own competence and dreaded a sudden loss of his ability to think and speak.

Bob was highly intelligent, with an IQ in the range between 140 and 150. Some even considered him to be a genius, although he himself did not believe that, but he appreciated the admiration and acknowledgment. He was a competitive swimmer and leader of his swim team, and had encountered no problems with either swimming or team leadership. He had overall done well in college, especially on exams, and received high grades despite some inconsistencies. His professional aspirations and plan was to become a lawyer like his grand-father. He met 8 of the 9 Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition (DSM–IV) and fifth edition (DSM-5) criteria for NPD (not #6, interpersonal exploitive) according to the Diagnostic Interview for DSM–IV Personality Disorders, DIPD-IV (Zanarini, Frankenburg, Sickel, & Young, 1996).

After having presented this rather diverse set of experiences Bob said to the therapist: “I cannot trust my faculties, I do not know from one day to another whether I can rely on my thinking and reasoning, access my knowledge, communicate, and perform. I struggle inside myself with dreadful self-scolding, constantly comparing and criticizing myself. I am a perfectionist, and I know that I can be very good, even exceptional. I have been considered a genius, but it does not hold up. I can’t tolerate closer contact with people. I get so angry and frustrated at them. I can see that I may be unfair, at times . . . , but I just can’t stand it. It works much better when I am in charge or if there is a distance to other people, like if I have a large audience. I feel extremely afraid of the future and ashamed of having to be in treatment. Some days I really doubt that anything can change or that I can get help, other days I can feel more optimistic”.


Bob presented with areas and moments of real potentials, consistent competence, and proactive interpersonal functioning, that is, as a swimmer and team leader, and in individual academic performance and interactions with his supervisors. On the exceptional side was his ability to speak in front of large audiences. He had both unrealistic grandiose fantasies as well as real age-appropriate professional aspirations. He came across as confident and self-promoting, alternating between bragging and a disdainful attitude. However, internally he struggled with extreme self-criticism, self-doubt (the reverse side of perfectionism), and interpersonal insecurity when facing close and intimate or collaborative interactions with peers, as if they tend to become critical enemies. However, this most consequential vulnerability was not triggered in his physical sport activities, only in his intellectual academic activities. In terms of self-agency, Bob was unable to integrate and regulate perceptions of challenges, failures, and interpersonal limitations with his actual competence and real abilities. From a self-regulatory perspective he used perfectionism and avoidance as well as substances to enhance self-esteem, and sense of control and to modulate self-criticism, fear, and anxiety. Apparently he had reached a point where he faced a rapid and extreme downhill spiral. High ambitions, perfectionism, and intermittent experiences of competence and even exceptional abilities under certain circumstances, turned into escalating interpersonal intolerance and fear, insecurity, distancing and avoidance, self-criticism and self-scolding, with substance usage and suicidality.


Although grandiosity is a diagnostic hallmark for NPD, and an indication of the pathological grandiose self (Kernberg, 1975), its complexity and changeability suggest that the diagnosis of NPD should not depend heavily on overt indications of grandiosity (Ronningstam, Gunderson, & Lyons, 1995). State-dependent signs or temporary reactive increase of grandiosity can alter or coexist with more persistent overt or covert grandiose self-experience, as well as with more proactive or authentic functioning. Given narcissistic patients’ identity diffusion and difficulties knowing who they are, identifying and differentiating their real competence, assets, and accomplishments from exaggerated or non-existing achievement and wished for talents are important. Equally important is the differentiation of their age appropriate ambitions and proactive aspiration from high-flying or unrealistic fantasies. It is not uncommon that patients with NPD struggle with uncertainty, shame, excessive self-criticism, and insecurity related to their actual talents, value and competence, parallel with an enhanced self-presentation, especially if they are young. Like in the case of Bob, it is also important to acknowledge areas of actual individual uniqueness and special talents or potentials as part of the overall self-regulatory functioning. In addition, encouraging patients’ own narrative, especially describing moments when they experience incompetence, inferiority, and fragility, is also a most essential part of the diagnostic process. The shifts in self-esteem from grandeur to inferior or vice versa with accompanying self-regulatory change in self-enhancement and self-devaluation are most informative. The subjective experiences of those interpersonal or situational conditions that cause such shifts are diagnostic hallmark for pathological narcissism and NPD (Ronningstam, 2012a, 2013).

Diagnostic evaluation and treatment tend to mobilize self-protection and control in people with narcissistic personality functioning. Some can be extremely and effectively defensive, focusing on details or seemingly relevant issues while avoiding more urgent or deeper and challenging problems. Others can mobilize plasticity and adjustment, agreeing and following along, and still others can get argumentative, aggressive, and critical. Although on the surface intelligent and articulated, even with moments of perspective-taking and reflection, these people also present with a significant resistance or inability to deeply connect, attach, and change. Doubts, shame and insecurity, confused self-identity, and self-criticism, combined with a range of self-enhancing strategies, contribute to their sometimes drastic self-regulatory interpersonal stands.

A conditional and limited alliance is unfolding, that can seem collaborative and interactive with common language, and even with processing of challenging inquiries and complex interpretations. However, the patients’ motive for seeking help and experience of facing treatment may be totally separated from acknowledging their problems and work toward changes or modifications of problematic areas functioning. Their reputation of being difficult to treat, or even untreatable, stems from a particularly complex and constricting mental functioning. Clinical observation and empirical findings indicate compromised functioning and impaired abilities behind the NPD diagnostic traits that indeed underpin pathological narcissism and contribute to the specific internal and interpersonal regulatory patterns. Awareness and integration of these factors in the diagnostic process is crucial for gaining a meaningful identification of the narcissistic patient.


The first set of such factors concerns the ability to access, process, and identify emotions. Studies have shown that both defensive and compromised emotional functioning influence self-regulation in people with pathological narcissism or NPD (Model, 1975; Krystal, 1998). Avoidance of emotions, especially fear of failure and humiliation, is considered a motivating, self-regulatory strategy (Bélanger et al., 2012). Vigilance, sensitivity, and reactivity to negative events and anticipation of humiliation (Besser & Zeigler-Hill, 2010) can coexist with emotion intolerance and difficulties processing feelings, in particular fear and shame. Fear, recognized in both psychoanalytic and empirical studies as essential in pathological narcissism, is also underlying several management and avoidance strategies typical for narcissistic personality functioning, such as competitiveness, perfectionism, risk-taking, and procrastination (Ronningstam & Baskin-Sommers, 2013). Shame also plays a significant role, especially in narcissistic interpersonal relating, and can motivate avoidance as well as defensive, retaliatory anger to regain agency and control (Tangney, 1995; Trumbull, 2003).

Compromised emotion recognition, that is, impaired accuracy in recognizing facial emotional expressions in others, especially fear and disgust (Marissen, Deen, & Franken, 2012), weaken the narcissistic patient’s ability for interpersonal guidance and information processing. Similarly, alexithymia, that is, the inability to feel and identify own feelings, either because of unawareness or incapacity to distinguish physical and affect states or because of lacking words for emotions (Krystal, 1998) can also impede on the ability to recognize emotions in others (Fan et al., 2011).

Studies of empathic deficits, another outstanding feature of NPD, have raised the question whether motivation/self-regulation or actual deficits, or both, contribute to compromised empathic ability. Impairment in emotional empathic ability was found in patients diagnosed with NPD (Ritter et al., 2011). Although their cognitive emphatic ability was intact and influenced by motivation, their emotional empathic functioning was affected by compromised ability for mirroring and responsiveness to the emotional states of others. On the other hand, NPD patients’ failure to accurately recognize emotions in others combined with overestimation of their own empathic ability indicates a more general empathic deficit (Marissen, Deen, & Franken, 2012). Emotion intolerance may also play a role in empathic ability as the person may be able to notice feelings in others, as mentioned above, but the perception of others’ feeling states can evoke overwhelming powerlessness, disgust, shame or loss of internal control, and hence trigger strong aggressive reactions or emotional or physical withdrawal (Ronningstam, 2009). In addition, noticeable fluctuations in narcissistic patients’ empathic ability may be influenced by self-regulation, with increased ability to empathize when feeling confident and in control, and decreased ability when feeling exposed, inferior or threatened.


The specific attachment pattern associated with pathological narcissism and NPD, as mentioned above, contributes to a second set of factors involving significant difficulties relating and connecting, especially in ways that can promote change (Kernberg, 2007). NPD patients often do not know who they are on a deeper level, and their identity is influenced by more profound and persistent self-enhancing efforts. Difficulties with dependency and mutuality and strong tendencies for avoidance and control are also, like in the case of Bob’s choice of intimacy via Internet, typical indicators of compromised interpersonal functioning (Kernberg, 1998). Perfectionism is such an effort because it involves both exceptionally high or inflexible (although inconsistent) ideals and standards of self or others, with strong reactions, including aggression, harsh self-criticism, shame, fear, or deceitfulness when self or others fail to measure up (Hewitt et al., 2008; Ronningstam, 2010). In interpersonal and social situations perfectionism can be self-promoting to enhance certain qualities, but it can also be self-protective and serve to hide something non-perfect. On the other hand, self-prescribed perfectionism can contribute to extremely unyielding self-criticism, like in the case of Bob, with hypervigilance and automatic cognitive appraisal of interpersonal situations as overly provocative or threatening. Especially, it contributes to reluctance to acknowledge and being seen as imperfect, and hence, to seek help for own distress and to integrate and benefit from treatment interventions.

Impaired ability for self-disclosure, self-silencing, selective or noncommunicativeness, and inability to share feelings and thoughts (Model, 1980; Besser, Flett, & Davis, 2003) are all aspects of narcissistic pathology that contribute to diagnostic challenges. Similarly, reversible perspective taking (Etchegoyen, 1999), the tendency to smoothly adopt the therapist’s comments and interpretations and seemingly internalize those given perspective without changing one’s own, and without incorporating the therapeutic process to generate change in own personality functioning, is yet another complicating defensive feature.


A third set of factors relates to the specific psychological aspects of trauma that can reinforce pathological narcissistic functioning. A narcissistic trauma is caused by a subjective experience of loss of supportive or sustaining external life conditions, such as changes in marriage/family, work and career, or financial situation, or loss of connection to a good, supportive idealized other person, leading to a loss or distortion of internal ideals and meaning. Sudden loss of a sense of control and competence, like in the case of Bob, can also be traumatizing for people whose self-esteem is strongly connected with performance and achievement. Such losses cause an acute internal state that threatens the continuity, coherence, stability, and wellbeing of the self (Maldonado, 2006). Narcissistic self-protection aimed at organizing and understanding the traumatic experience fail, and the sense of loss, rejection, and abandonment, along with feelings of shame, fear, and worthlessness become overwhelming (Gerzi, 2005). A narcissistic trauma is more subjective and self-esteem related, and involving exposure and humiliation. Sometimes such trauma can even be entirely emotional and internal, accompanied by compromised hope, sense of value, control, meaning, and affiliation. This contrasts to more external obvious traumatic experiences, such as physical attacks, abuse, accidents, and so forth. Narcissistic trauma, like in Trauma Associated Narcissistic Symptoms, TANS (Simon, 2002) can be intrinsic to the characterological vulnerability to disruption of self-regulation, and loss of agency and self-esteem in NPD. On the other hand, narcissistic traumas, experienced in young age, can also be deeply internalized and subjectively organized in a narcissistic patient’s mind, contributing to an armor-like, seemingly impenetrable narcissistic character functioning, with denial, omnipotence, and organizing and protecting narcissistic fantasies, covering split off shame and fear. These types of traumatic experiences may easily be either misdiagnosed or bypassed in a diagnostic evaluation as they often differ from standard psychiatric definitions of trauma involving abuse, neglect, catastrophes, and so forth (Ronningstam, 2012b; Simon, 2002; Krystal, 1998) and can remain effectively shielded. Facing the impact of external life events might actually help some patients to begin to access and process such subjectively internalized experiences.


This study has focused on identifying underpinnings and self-regulatory patterns behind the diagnostic traits for NPD. A flexible, exploratory, and collaborative diagnostic process is recommended that attends to the patients’ internal experiences and motivations as well as to their external and interpersonal functioning. The patients’ limitations and compromised abilities, as well as their interpersonally provocative, although sometimes quite elaborative self-regulatory and enhancing strategies should be attended to in ways that are informative and meaningful for both the patient and clinician. Identifying and differentiating healthy or protective aspects of narcissistic patterns from those that are pathological and perpetuating is important. Clarifying the threatening, injuring, or traumatic experiences and situations that escalate narcissistic reactivity is equally essential. Clinicians’ observations of the narcissistic patients’ functioning often do not concur with the patients’ own experiences of themselves or formulations of their problems. More detailed exploration of a recent event that caused fluctuations in the patient’s self-esteem and agency can be a useful start. Such exploration can provide the opportunity to clarify the patient’s internal subjective perspective, needs, and motives for self-enhancement, experiences of vulnerability and deflation, and the organizing and protective role of narcissistic functioning, both internally in relation to self and in relationship to others. A focus on these areas of functioning is in line with the Workgroups proposal for personality functioning in DSM-5 Section III, which includes identity (regulation of self and emotions), self-direction (self-agency), empathy and intimacy (interpersonal relatedness). With regard to the diagnosis of NPD, these changes represent significant improvement compared with the entirely trait-based diagnosis. Encouraging self-assessment and the patients’ own narratives of their performance, anticipations, aspirations, and shifts in states, self-esteem, and emotions can begin to bridge the different perspectives of the patient and the clinician, and help reaching a diagnostic agreement and understanding of the patient’s functioning.


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Source: Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment. Vol. 5. (4), Oct, 2014 pp. 434-438)
Accession Number: 2014-42878-005
Digital Object Identifier: 10.1037/per0000034


Russ, E., Shedler, J., Bradley, R., & Westen, D. (2008). Refining the Construct of Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Diagnostic Criteria and Subtypes. American Journal of Psychiatry AJP, 165(11), 1473-1481. http://dx.doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2008.07030376

Skodol, A. E., Bender, D. S., & Morey, L. C. (2014). Narcissistic personality disorder in DSM-5. Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, And Treatment, 5(4), 422-427. doi:10.1037/per0000023

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