Dear
Narcissist Problems,
I need advice/help. I'm in a very unhealthy relationship,
but I feel stuck. I don't know how to get out. He is manipulative, controlling,
and abusive (more verbal and sexual with occasional physical). I've tried
multiple times in the last year to make him leave and it never works. I got a
better job in August and was hiding money so that I could leave and he started
doing little things (unplugging my alarm clock, calling me at work saying my
daughter was in the hospital so I'd leave early [she wasn't] and once even
leaving in MY car and taking the keys to his truck and not coming back until an
hour after I was supposed to be at work) all of which have resulted in my
losing my job. When I was working, he would take money out of my purse, he's
told me that he paid certain bills and actually just blew the money, one of
which was a traffic ticket, resulting in my license being suspended. He has
cheated on me more times than I can count, but I'm the one with the problem
because I'm "jealous" and "insecure" and I make him cheat because
I'm so awful. I have 2 children and I can't keep putting us thru this. I don't
have anyone who can help me or that we can stay with. I have a car payment and
insurance now a suspended license and no income w/o him. I've been distributing
my resume and filling out job applications since I lost my job 2wks ago with no
luck. I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do
Sincerely,
“Stuck”
Dear
“Stuck”,
When I read through this I literally felt
the burn of pure anger I felt with my own narcissist. The first step in getting out is usually the
hardest and that is to accept that there is a problem. You are 60% of the way there. The first thing I would do is print this
letter up as a starting point and heading down to the local courthouse and
seeking the help of a victims advocate.
I am really sorry to hear that you lost your job and I am not going to
lie to you: This next year will probably
be the hardest year of your life but I know you can get through it! The hardest part of these relationships
whether it is a family member, friend, or significant other is wriggling out of
their tentacles. You need a support
system. Think really really really hard
and try to see if there is anyone in your life who is willing to help. If not
seek help just as you have done here.
You are not alone! All of these problems seem really overwhelming but
the important thing is to work through them.
When you go to the court house talk to them and see if they can’t point
you in the right direction regarding the abuse AND your license situation. The longer you put either situation off the
worse it will be later. Try to be as
proactive as possible even if you have no money. I know that here in Chicago we are having an
amnesty week for parking ticket violations.
I don’t exactly know what that means but I’m assuming either having the
ticket dissolved completely or setting up a very small payment schedule. If you lose the car; I know that will only
make the situation worse but remember this isn’t the end. You are being abused mentally, sexually,
physically and financially. This person
is sabotaging your job, your income, and your ability to take care of yourself
and your children. I would not, under
any circumstances, leave the children with him as a babysitter. The children have already been through
enough. While you have a car let your
determination to survive and later thrive be your guide. Seek out community support. Go down to the office for family and child
services and see if they can assist you in finding daycare options. I wouldn’t go into too many details but keep
it strictly regarding money. I would
also see if they can possibly help you find some certification classes so that
you can get a higher paying job later.
You are in a jam and the longer you stay with this person the more he is
going to tear you down. The most
important thing to do is take the first steps toward your safety and
independence. Good Luck to you! You can do this! Further, document the crazy. Get the police involved. Get a restraining order against this person
before you end up losing your children because of him. The most important thing to do is to stay
safe and get out as quickly as possible!
None of this is going to be easy.
You are going to need to be filled with so much fear and determination
that it forces you to break the barriers of “out there” being scarier than
where you already are. Know this, you
are capable enough and strong enough to do this you just need to start! It will help to seek emotional support in a
support group and you can find them on Facebook. Also see if there are any free services for counseling
in your area. Get out there and get
talking. When we talk with others who
have been there not only can they help guide us out of the nightmare but it
helps to get out the pain and frustration.
You got this! Finally, I would
avoid any conflict or threatening your partner that you will leave if he
doesn’t change his behavior. Make the
plans to leave as silently as possible otherwise he will sabotage those plans
and he may actually hurt you or the children.
Regards,
Narcissist
Problems
