Dear Narcissist Problems,
I have read
tons on narcissistic behavior, and have a couple of questions. My family has an
individual who displays mostly passive narcissist traits, but we have been at
our wits end for years dealing with her being an extreme hypochondriac. She
also has an insatiable need for attention. She will drink, pop pills, and then
call everyone for days complaining of how sick she is. If we try to change the
subject, or avoid "feeding the monster", we are accused of being
insensitive and cruel. Also, if we try to make suggestions for getting well,
she shoots them down immediately. She is highly skilled at using guilt of all
kinds to try and get her needs met. ANY suggestions are welcome! Thank you for
offering your time and effort with this group!
Sincerely,
“Sick and tired of being sick and tired”
Dear “Sick and Tired”,
Let me just make
my first statement of the year be: I am not a psychiatrist nor will I ever
claim to be. What I will say is that I
can totally relate with your situation!
With that said “Happy New Year”!!!!
The insatiable need for attention seems to be the calling card of all
narcissists. This is why I like to refer
to them as emotional vampires. They will
suck you dry and leave you believing that you are the one who is tragically
flawed for not feeding into whatever need they are trying to have met by
you. Narcissists in general will do many
things to get their needs fed whether it be to manipulate you, scapegoat you,
triangulate your entire family/friends, ruin your life, or play the pity
card. It seems like your narcissist has
a need to be fed by playing on your sympathy and getting attention by either
feigning an illness or down right making themselves sick. What happens when we are sick? People who care about us want to make us
comfortable, they want to help us, and they will usually go out of their way to
do this. I know I usually do when
someone I care about is sick. I guess
what I’m wondering about right now is if this narcissist has recently created
some rifts in the family by causing drama or ruining relationships. Did she
spend the holidays solo? Has she lost any sources of supply for her ego? You might be surprised to notice that this
person tends to get ill if other people in their lives have been staying away
from them due to their toxic behavior and general destructiveness. In my own experience with my Narcissistic
mother she loved to create storms of drama.
She wasn’t able to function if there wasn’t some tragedy going on in her
life. When there was something awful
going on she was at her best. Happy,
energetic, smiling, and on that phone gossiping with whoever would listen. As we know about gossip and human nature
people usually love to listen to what is going on with others. Now when she couldn’t stir something up she
became depressed and would stay in bed until 2 or 3 p.m. She would come down with chronic illnesses
acutely. Mark my words, as soon as some shit storm was stirred up again her
illness was cured! During the times she
was ill she needed a caretaker, me.
Someone not to offer advice but to take care of her needs. I took care of the household, I took care of her
emotions, and I took care of her own responsibilities like caring for other
family members or getting a job at the age of 14 to make sure the bills were
paid. If I were not taking care of her
needs there would be hell to pay. If I
suggested she see a doctor there would be hell to pay. If I told anyone outside of our home what was
going on there would be hell to pay. My
point, it is not your job to take care of this person’s needs. She needs help and it’s a help you will never
be able to offer or suggest if this is a true narcissist. This is the way it is. If you suggest that she seek medical help and
then refuses there is nothing more you can do for her. We are all adults and we all have the responsibility
to take care of ourselves, including our own needs. Back away slowly and keep your distance until/unless
she decides she will take the action necessary to make herself well again. As always, this post will be shared. Comments from readers as well as suggestions,
advice, or a “me too” is always appreciated!
Regards,
Narcissist Problems
Edit: After posting this a member of one of the groups used a the term "Help reject complain" which fits this behavior to a T. Here is an article if anyone cares to understand this further.
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/therapy-soup/2013/02/how-to-deal-with-a-help-rejecting-complainer/
