Showing posts with label narcissist. Show all posts
Showing posts with label narcissist. Show all posts

Saturday, January 27, 2018

How to decode the web of lies spun by pathological liars, Cluster B's, and other toxic manipulators

A Heaping Pile of Narcissistic Bullshit with a side of Factitious Disorder, please!

Anatomy of a web of lies and other indications that you are dealing with a narcissist, psychopath, or sociopath.

One of the hallmark behaviors of a toxic individual is pathological lying.  The second most noticeable behavior toxic people bring to relationships is an utter lack of respect for our boundaries.  This is often intensified in relationships between people with personality disorders and naturally empathetic people who will go out of their way to help another person who is struggling or in pain.  A natural ability for many narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths is obviously to manipulate those around them but some of them do this via feigned or self-induced illnesses. 

Cluster B personality disordered abusers often label their victims with physical or mental illnesses so they get away with their abuse.  Some of them actually take this a step further and make themselves sick if they feel threatened with abandonment to manipulate you back into the relationship frequently after you have tried to establish a boundary with them.  
I have the burning desire tonight to find out if so many victims of abuse, albeit not psychiatrists or psychologists, labeling their abusers as a narcissist when in fact they might have factitious disorder, Aka Munchausen Syndrome/ Munchausen Syndrome by proxy?  Or is factitious disorder actually the love child of a cluster B personality disorder and something else?  

Usually, the fact that this toxic individual either made themselves sick or someone else sick to manipulate those around them is the last thing a survivor ends up thinking about or talking about with others.  By the time we leave these relationships all the other horrible situations these walking nightmares manufactured for us somehow outranked the heinousness of the falsified illness.  Or the living hell of witnessing one of their self-induced reactions to a medication while making it look like they were actually suffering from a major health condition. 
We are too busy fighting false allegations, being ostracized for other manufactured problems, or dealing with a pending police investigation that’s been looming over our heads or some other cluster B manufactured catastrophe.  The list of shit we must deal with at this point makes a feigned illness pale in comparison.  Sure, we are disturbed to think about it, however, given enough time and open dialog this theme appears repeatedly in narcissistic abuse survivor groups. 

Cluster B, ya dig?

Before going any further I want to quickly throw in a brief over view of what a Cluster B personality disorder is.  More than likely if you landed on this article you are somewhat aware of this terminology or you will be very soon.  Many survivors of abuse find their way here while googling for answers to the crazy they just lived through and are currently trying to claw their way out of the depths of hell.  Below is a quick run down of what Cluster B personality disorder means.

With that said, I wouldn’t go out of your way to use this as evidence to illustrate to your abuser that they do have a personality disorder.  Giving them this information will result in two simultaneous reactions: 1. It will put a target on your back and 2. This knowledge will make them feel special in some distorted way as if they had won a trophy and try their best to outshine their cluster B “competition” to see who can exhibit the most severe cluster B behavior….. with you as their target.

DSM 5, Cluster B- Dramatic, Emotional & Erratic

There are lies…. And then there are Cluster B lies…

Let’s face it, this cluster of personality disorders tells so many lies that even their lies have lies.  The disturbing part is that they are well adept at keeping their lies in order.  Do yourself a favor and believe who they are the first time they show you and trust your gut.  If you have a feeling that someone is lying to you but you can’t put your finger on what they are lying about then they are probably lying about everything they have ever told you.

While in the past there has been little research into the association between Factitious Disorder (a whole new level of lying that can result in death) and personality disorders, like borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), forensic psychologists are working to close this gap.  To really dissect the anatomy of a cluster B lie we need to start by delving into how these falsehoods will be, or were, used to exploit you. 

According to scholars there are two basic kinds of lies which are aggressive and defensive.  The aggressive lie is one that is commonly associated with the wrath of a narcissist and is typically used to destroy lives.  These lies are exaggerations of the truth or completely deceptive and told out of revenge.  They show up in our lives in the form of false allegations that very well could land us in jail or worse. 

The defensive lie is used in a more manipulative way.  These are the lies that are told to get out of trouble to avoid facing the severe consequences of illegal behavior OR to gain your sympathy and support.  One of the biggest forms of these lies shows up when someone intentionally makes themselves sick in order to keep you around.  I mean really, what normal person can leave a relationship when someone is deathly ill?

If you have crossed paths with one of these toxic individuals you have undoubtedly experienced both aggressive and defensive lying on their part.  Narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths manipulate their victims through many avenues of deception which results in the use of a string of lies to keep reality at bay and you in your place.  In other words, these predators require people to exploit to fulfill their own needs and they get better at it as they age because they have already had practice on a string of victims before you. 

Cluster B’s intentionally create a series of lies that eventually build up to an entirely distorted reality for all involved and they know exactly what they are doing the entire time.  Always keep in mind, they are morally insane not legally insane.  Further on the topic, recent research suggests that “Pseudologia fantastica (PF) also referred to as “mythomania”, “deception syndrome”, “pathological lying” is defined as a disproportionate falsification that may be extensive, complicated, and presents over a period of years or even a lifetime.”[i]  

Many victims of psychological and emotional abuse find that they are not believed when they reach out for help since their abusers have been lying to them and about them for so long.  The reality of everyone around the abuser and the victim is distorted beyond comprehension.  Most of the time people are so uncomfortable when faced with the reality and gravity of the lie that they would prefer the lie to truth.  These people are usually called Flying Monkeys.  Read about soul murder here.

This level of manipulation is unfathomable and the moment you realize the extent of their lies you are in for a whole new treat in the Cluster B hellhole they’ve created in your life. The process of them realizing they have an opportunity to exploit you, ending in a web of lies you are forced to grasp, from start to finish is the equivalent to a shark smelling a drop of fresh blood 10 miles down the coastline. 

True to predatory nature they want more of you and they want it now.  You are a drug.  You are a meal ticket. The difference between sharks and human predators is that people will sometimes manipulate their prey by asking for help before giving the final death blow while sharks go for the kill straight away. 

Personality disordered individuals will weave a web of lies regarding their, or your, illness to gain sympathy, to break down boundaries which will leave you groomed and ready to accept the full extent of their rage and wrath.  The moment you realize that this person has been intentionally making themselves sick is hair raising.  A part of you will want to confront them but deep in your gut you know that if you alert them to the fact that you’re on to them it will be game over for you.  Do yourself a favor and keep your mouth shut while slowly backing away.

Soul Cannibals will pretend to be sick to manipulate you

After dealing with a narcissist, psychopath, borderline personality disordered individual you will gradually try to wrap your mind around the different ways they have manipulated you with their pathological lies.  You will most likely be very embarrassed to even speak about the events that led you to find and read this article which is why I am sitting here writing it tonight.  I too am trying to understand the epic mind fuck of my journey with a Cluster B.

Thankfully for us, criminologist have been promoting the need for and conducting extensive research into the area of the individuals who intentionally deceive others with self-induced illnesses.  These illnesses can be either physical or mental and sometimes both.  
It is no secret that many criminal deviants will pretend to be mentally incompetent to get a reduced sentence or just a better deal for themselves in general.   

An article published in the Journal of Behavioral Sciences & The Law states that, “if a defendant successfully feigns a psychiatric disorder and is not found to present a substantial risk by reason of mental illness or mental defect, the final result can be outright release and the avoidance of all criminal and civil commitment sanctions.”[ii]   The interesting thing about this research is that it is highlighting the lifelong patterns of those with cluster B personality disorders and their use of deception while feigning illnesses and their reasoning for doing so. 

This knowledge leaves me with this sick feeling in my gut that knows a lot of innocent lives could have been saved had a connection between self-induced illness to manipulate others and criminal behavior had been made centuries ago.  Experts working within the legal system are now calling for those within the field of psychiatry to research and investigate this phenomena in depth to assist police officers and the courts with criminal prosecutions and to weed out false allegations of crimes.

Accused of false allegations? Ask a Lawyer
This sentiment was clearly articulated by researchers in the Journal of Forensic Psychiatry & Psychology while highlighting the need for a distinction between intentional and unintentional lies that lead to illness and crimes in order to mitigate problems currently trending within the court and legal systems. 

The current diagnostic system captures intentional deception around physical or psychological problems but does not allow for diagnosis around prominent, purposeless deception within other realms (e.g., false accusations). In addition to reviewing the literature, we also report the case of a 22-year-old female who made frequent, dramatic false accusations against others for no apparent reason, and who possessed an unusual ability to convince others to collaborate in her lying. Her lies eventually resulted in a number of people being criminally charged, including a friend being imprisoned for over a year for staging an elaborate abduction, the burning of an apartment building, and the investigation of a small child for arson. Implications and suggestions for future research are discussed. [iii]
Researchers in the field are now finding that many of the criminals that are eventually diagnosed with cluster B personality disorders have regularly manipulated others via illness throughout their lives.  We also know that many individuals with cluster B personality disorders go undiagnosed and un-incarcerated.

Malingering & Factitious Disorder

This brings me back to my original questions on the subject of if our abusers are undiagnosed as a cluster B personality disorder and make themselves sick for a personal gain like money which is found with malingering or if they are undiagnosed as having Munchhausen syndrome or Munchhausen syndrome by proxy?

With Malingering the individual is fully aware of what they are doing to themselves.  Their illness is manufactured with a specific purpose in mind.  “Malingering is defined in DSM-5 as “the intentional production of false or grossly exaggerated physical or psychological symptoms motivated by external incentives such as avoiding military duty, avoiding work, obtaining financial compensation, evading criminal prosecution or obtaining drugs’’.[iv] Malingering is a behavior exhibited by most of the narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths in our lives.  These manufactured illnesses sometimes go on for years as seen with those feigning psychiatric illnesses to manipulate those around them for things like a tiny disability check every month. 

While malingering is the behavior of a disturbed individual it pales in comparison to Factitious disorder.  Those with suspected factitious disorder go above and beyond in the realm of intentional self-harm.  These individuals are aware of what they are doing but go further than simply simulating a disease or illness.  They intentionally make themselves ill and intentionally inflict harm on themselves but usually for sympathy or control in a relationship. 

They consciously interfere with their own healing process and will even ingest medications known to produce severe adverse effects.  In fact, they have probably practiced the exact dosage of a medication they will need to ingest to make themselves ill quickly.  They become experts at the necessary dosage to take to give themselves convulsions, seizures or to suddenly appear to have a combination of other mystery ailments that come out of nowhere and they need your help with because they are too sick to do it alone.   This will usually happen after an argument and especially after you try to establish boundaries.

In my quest for knowledge I stumbled upon the following article which has been very helpful in finding some sort of closure from my own volatile experience.  This article examined the relationship between borderline personality disorder and a co-morbidity with factitious disorder and I’ll be the first to say this publication was long overdue and much appreciated.

There are few data on the relationship between factitious disorder and BPD. However, there are several case reports in the literature that affirm an association between BPD and the factitious symptoms of hemiplegia, blindness, and rape. Factitious disorder by proxy has also been associated with BPD. In addition to case reports, Goldstein reported that 11/19 (58%) patients with factitious disorder met the criteria for BPD; based upon these findings, he suggested a new classification of factitious disorder that would account for the presence of BPD. Rothenhausler and Kapfhammer stated that the majority of patients with factitious disorder suffer from Cluster B personality disorders, particularly BPD. Bouden and colleagues indicated that in factitious disorder by proxy, the perpetrator of the surreptitious symptoms is most likely suffering from BPD.  Finally, the association between factitious disorder and BPD has been previously suggested and discussed by Sansone and Sansone. The elemental psychological association between these two DSM disorders seems to be that the self-destructive behavior observed in BPD may be actualized through a self-harming pattern of contrived or simulated symptoms—which may be experienced by the patient through surreptitious medications, procedures, and/or surgeries.[v]

And you, the one sitting there reading these words most likely know firsthand the significance of these statements in your life because I sure do.  There are some situations that happen to us that we might never heal from or find closure from but the above paragraph sure did bring me a little closer and It’s my hope that it will help you too. My suspicions are officially confirmed and it makes so much sense.  There is no end to the lies they will tell to the point of intentional self-harm.

Boundaries, what are they good for?

Normal people don’t stop to ask themselves if a person is possibly lying about their poor health or other situations that cause them to struggle. While making this point it is also important to recognize when an individual actually is suffering from a chronic illness and really does need help.  You will know the difference by their actions and just know that the truth has no choice but to come out either way. It is a normal human reaction to want to assist someone with their dilemma’s or poor health.  It usually isn’t until we are knee deep in a web of lies that we realize we have been duped by the soul cannibal in our life.   

The number one reason you need to establish boundaries is right here.

Many times, we get so focused on solving the problems they’ve thrown in our laps that we don’t even realize that this toxic person began crossing little boundaries in their sick attempts to manipulate us which resulted in them crossing major boundaries down the line.  If this has happened to you don’t feel bad.  

Just know that you are normal and capable of putting yourself in the shoes of those around you.  You are emotionally and neurologically capable of being a loving and kind person.  You have the ability within you to believe in the good of people.  Most of all, you are most likely not someone that other people will need therapy for after knowing you.  

Ten steps to no contact here.

We can never plan on being deceived but we also can’t go through our lives as if each person we meet is a crime scene after an experience like this.  As far as boundaries go, remember to establish them, remember to enforce them, and remember to trust your gut.  The last point to remember is that if someone repeatedly fails to respect the boundaries you have established it is not your job to keep reminding them.  



Birch, C. D., Kelln, B. C., & Aquino, E. B. (2006). A review and case report of pseudologia fantastica. Journal of Forensic Psychiatry & Psychology, 17(2), 299-320. doi:10.1080/14789940500485128

Chandra, N., Bagra, I., & Pattanayak, R. (2017). INTENTIONAL PRODUCTION OF SYMPTOMS: A NARRATIVE REVIEW. ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry, 18(1), 95-104.

Gordon, D. K., & Sansone, R. A. (2013). A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN FACTITIOUS DISORDER AND BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER. Innovations in Clinical Neuroscience, 10(11/12), 11-13.

Korenis, P., Gonzalez, L., Kadriu, B., Tyagi, A., & Udolisa, A. (2015). Pseudologia fantastica: Forensic and clinical treatment implications. Comprehensive Psychiatry, 5617-20. doi: 10.1016/j.comppsych.2014.09.009

Kucharski, L. T., Duncan, S., Egan, S. S., & Falkenbach, D. M. (2006). Psychopathy and malingering of psychiatric disorder in criminal defendants. Behavioral Sciences & The Law, 24(5), 633-644.

Westbrook, L. F., & Jackson, M. H. (2009). Borderline Personality Disorder: New Research. New York: Nova Science Publishers, Inc.

[i] Pseudologia fantastica: Forensic and clinical treatment implications. P. 18
[ii] A review and case report of pseudologia fantastica. 
[iii] A review and case report of pseudologia fantastica. 

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Hoovering and the narcissistic relationship cycle of Idealize, devalue, and discard

If you think the Narcissist regrets breaking up and wants to make amends, think again!

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Hello!! I thought maybe you could help me understand what’s going on here.... My ex - who I believe is a narc - or sociopath - or something, broke up with me a bit over a year ago - over text. He had been getting messages on his phone from other girls, and I found out had cheated on me with one, who he is now in a relationship with. He's apparently moving to be with her (5 hours away).

I'll try keep this short - but when I was with him, he made me cook dinner every night - and would complain if it was late. I cleaned, did the washing for him etc. - and wasn't even living with him. He said that every time he came to my house it was like he had to work (?!) because I'd ask for help. He would grab my belly and ask if I’d been to the gym, said I could have a thigh gap, my hips wouldn't hurt so much if I lost weight off my hips (I'm a chef and stand all day). He dragged me down the street one day because I wasn't walking fast enough. etc. etc. etc.

His work overlooked my gym, and after we split, I started training for a half marathon. He would watch me and text me while I was at the gym (Still seeing this other woman). I ended up seeing the police about it. This weekend, I had to do a catering function for the surf club he is a member of (I am associated with the club). He wasn't attending the function, until the very last minute he bought a ticket. I can only assume it was to see me.

The whole night, he was watching me, but ignored me. He would hover by the kitchen. Saw me coming and tried to step in front of me. One time he walked past he stopped in his tracks, so I said hello. I've lost 17kg since leaving him. I dressed nicely as I'm promoting my business. He was asking my friend how I was etc. And then started texting my friend to tell her to tell me to reply to the texts he started to send me, because he wanted to chat. He's supposed to be madly in love with this new woman (The mistress - who doesn't know about me) but they spent the night apart, and he was chasing me again? He blocked the door so I couldn't leave - but wouldn't actually talk to me. Hiding behind his texts....WTF?!

He left me at a time I was under a lot of stress taking former business partners to the lawyers. I fought it by myself. He didn't support me and I was at rock bottom. I've started my own business and have built it up to the point I'm self-sufficient. Do you think he's realized he's lucked out?


“I’m a Boss”

Dear “Boss”,

 What childish games narcissists play to get attention? This seems to be a pretty cut and dry example of a narcissist hoovering. Do I think he realized that he lucked out or regrets his decisions? Nope, not at all. What I do think he realizes is that you now have more to lose and getting you back will be a nice challenge for him which will give him all the more pleasure if he does get you back and then break you down again.

This is a pattern of narcissistic abuse which is to idealize, devalue, and then discard. It seems that he is simply utilizing what he probably considers cute little hoovering tactics to reel you back into the abuse. It’s like a cat playing with a mouse. Normal people understand that when a relationship ends that means it’s over for good. However, this is not how it works for a narcissist. Narcissists like to draw things out.

Hoovering and the narcissistic relationship cycle of

 Idealize, devalue, and discard

Idealize Phase

When we first meet a narcissist they really do a great job of making us feel as though they are the answer to all our prayers. They are the perfect match for us. We are like two peas in a pod with them and they make us feel like we are on cloud nine. This isn’t fate, a random coincidence that they are so much like us, or an accident. This is very calculated and deliberate on their parts.

If you notice or recall meeting this person they were initially absorbed with you. They wanted to know it all. They wanted to know every little detail about everything that has happened to you since birth. They want to know who your parents are and what your relationship is like with them. They want to know about your siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. They want to know who your favorite people are and who you dislike and why.

They want to know about your circle of friends and your relationships with them. They even want to meet and impress them! I mean, how great is that! Someone who is not only perfect for you but they also have an interest in your friends and family. What’s even better??? EVERYONE LOVES THEM!!! If there is someone who doesn’t love them then that person is usually the first one the narcissist targets to manipulate out of your life.

They also want to know about your job and your co-workers. They are especially interested in if you have any problems with anyone. At first they take on a stance of mutual dislike but later they will gather all the people that you don’t get along with so they can all abuse you. After they gather up your “enemies” they then target your friends and family to see who they can get on their side because in their mind it is now them against you. They also use people as their flying monkeys to help them hoover such as your friend he was sending text messages to as a go-between.

Devalue Phase

The honeymoon quickly wears off and you start to notice that the narcissist is now doing little things to take digs at you. They once loved to hear your laugh and now that same laugh is a witch’s cackle. They used to love your body but now you really could lose a few pounds. Here is the thing.

While they were idealizing you when they complimented any part of your body you most likely replied with what you hate about it such as your thighs, your underarms, or abs. I’m going to assume that you had made a comment about hating your inner thighs at some point and that is why the focal point of your “need” to lose weight was that you “Could” have a thigh gap if only you tried to take care of yourself…

The devalue phase is especially wounding because the things the narcissist chooses to devalue are the things you just got used to hearing that they loved. Before you could do no wrong and now you can do no right. Further, the narcissist is also testing your tolerance of their abuse at this stage. They want to know how far they can take things before you snap and fight back. Once you do react to the abuse then that becomes the marker they need to whittle away at. So they keep pushing that marker further and further back until it doesn’t exist anymore and you are willing to tolerate pretty much anything they can throw at you.

This doesn’t happen overnight so when you recognize it then get out of the relationship ASAP. It can sometimes take years for a narcissist to destroy that marker. That marker of tolerance is where your boundaries are. That marker is where you put your foot down, where you say “no more”, the place they can’t get into. That marker is where the narcissist ends and you begin and they know it. They want to destroy that marker of tolerance because they want to own every last piece of your mind and soul so they can destroy you from the inside out. You can’t destroy a person with good healthy boundaries that they refuse to budge on unless you slowly whittle them away.

During this phase they are recruiting others to help them achieve their ultimate goal of your destruction. The more you care for someone the more hell bent they become on getting that person on their side. They want to stick the knife in and twist. In your situation, I would be very weary of what you tell the “friend” he was sending text messages to while at your event. Our friends usually don’t make it a habit of staying in contact with our Ex’s who dump us over text message.

Discard Phase

After the narcissist has destroyed you by eroding your self-esteem, confidence, and boundaries they simply throw you away like garbage.  Nobody lucks out with a narcissist but in this case I think you lucked out to be discarded in such a cowardly way. This narcissist truly is a coward and it’s no surprise he would only communicate through text message at the event because it seems that’s the only way he knows how to communicate at all.

During the discard phase they want you to know they have found your replacement. They have new supply and want to throw in your face. They found their ultimate soulmate, they were wrong about you, and they want you to know about it. They want you to beg them to come back and they want to see you being a hot mess. They want to be able to show the new supply how crazy obsessed you are with them because they are such a great catch!

Just keep in mind that this new girlfriend is no different than you were and has no idea what kind of train wreck she is about to witness. I’m not saying you have to go around feeling sorry for people but before feeling any pangs of jealousy remember that there is nothing to be jealous about being abused.

By ignoring his attempt to hoover and reel you back in he is likely to become angry and bad mouth you to everyone. This is his attempt to make himself feel better about your pure and utter rejection of his futile attempts at dominance over you. You should be patting yourself on the back really for doing such an epic job of blocking his asinine attempts to further abuse you! Way to go!

When the Narcissist hoovers and why

A narcissist will hoover in order to maintain a connection with their victims. They will never truly leave you alone. They will try to keep an attachment to their victims under any circumstance even if that attachment is pure hate and rage.

This is a video from a very sweet set of down to earth ladies where they explain the situations that happen when we leave a narcissist, their stalking, and gaining control over your life after narcissistic abuse. Tracy has a new Youtube Channel so check out her videos and subscribe to her channel because she has new videos all the time. Tracy and Lieselle, from my understanding, actually met while they were dating the same narcissist. The relationship they developed after that is pretty amazing and they made this video below to share their story with others.

Tracy Malone & Lieselle "Narcissists Stalk And Police Do Not Care-HELP"

Think about all the time spent wishing that your narcissist would contact you after they discard you. You want little morsel of hope they could throw at you. They usually give you just enough time to where if they let you go any further then their attempts to hoover you back into a connection will be rejected.
 They will send an email, send a text message, or show up at events just to let you know they are there and they are still thinking about you. Don’t confuse their thinking about you with them caring about you. This is just a game to them. They want to see how much crap they could throw at someone and still be taken back.
 If you ask them to stop contacting you and they don't then please go no contact and document their behavior (here is an article about going no contact). If you need to get a protection order you could file for one at your local courthouse but make sure that you have enough tangible evidence and/or witnesses to support your case. If you have legal questions you can ask a lawyer for free here.

This can be very confusing especially if you are not aware of what is going on. A person with a normal mind thinks that maybe the narcissist has seen the light. Perhaps the narcissist realizes that they made a mistake and are trying to make amends but they simply don’t know how. We start to have compassion for their situation and take pity on them.

Make no mistake about it this is as calculated as their idealization of you in the beginning of the relationship. They have not seen any light except maybe the light radiating from your smile because you are healing and they need to suck that light right out of you again to fill themselves up. Your shining light of life is like spotting a gas station on a long stretch of road when your car is about to run out of gas and nothing more. They need a fill up and you got what they need.

Narcissists are emotional vampires who like to suck their victim’s dry of any soul or life they have within them. Essentially, they drain you but keep you alive just enough to recover so they can later come back for more. They need to drain you in a way that feeds their soul and gives them life force. It sounds really ridiculous as if we were talking about some sci-fi movie but this is no joke. Narcissists are energy vampires in the purest form.

Narcissists hoover their victims to keep them in line. They like to keep their victims at an arm’s length just in case they should need supply from you again. After seeing you with your life together and thriving it is prime time to get a little of what you have to offer. It really has nothing to do with regret or lucking out for them. Another reason for the hoover is that his new relationship might not be going that well and he knows it.  

Whatever the case maybe for the hoovering there is only one reason for doing it and that is to gain control over you again. Narcissists don’t see their victims as people they see them as objects that they can manipulate, abuse, put on a shelf, and then bring out to play whenever they feel like it. Here is the thing, you are a real person and not an object and you don’t deserve any of this. If I were you I would immediately change my phone number, let my friends know I don’t want to hear about him again, and then block him from all social media and email accounts. Good Luck to you!


Friday, March 17, 2017

Narcissists are the parasites of the human race. Period.

When Loving a Parasitic Narcissist turns into anger, depression, and suicide

Dear Narcissist Problems,

        I read a lot of your posts and info and have to say I actually thought I was a narcissist because I did so many of the things that are posted. For two years I cried and cried and had massive anxiety attacks over my situation. I hunted for Answers, begged, pleaded, apologized and I found out many horrible nasty things that had been happening. I thought once I knew the truth I would be able to just get angry and be done, but no I wanted him to never forget me or how much I loved him and how much I had given of myself to stand by him, how doing so ruined my life.

     It consumed my every thought because I couldn't and don't understand how I sacrificed so much without thinking of myself to be loyal to him and how he could just disregard me like I never existed. He went no contact with me because I discovered what he was doing and told him. I honestly thought I was going crazy, I wanted to die and had wished someone would run into my car or I could sleep and never wake up. I became this person I never thought I was and I am deeply ashamed of my actions. He has moved away now and honestly for the first time in two years I feel better.

      I'm gutted because I thought he was my once in a lifetime, but did I really want that or did I just pursue it so much because I wanted him to be sorry and accountable for how he treated me? Yes I love him, probably always will, but it's unhealthy and a long road to recovery. How can a person control so much of what u think and feel? Three years together. Did not live together. I knew he had never been faithful to others. He asked me to take a chance on him so I did, I moved for him, I worked his business for him, and I was with him through mouth cancer losing his businesses going bankrupt and his ex taking everything.

     I was warned about him but really loved him and chose him above everything. I ended up unemployed and moved again. He just got distant and the calls stopped happening. I felt something was off because of different things showing up in his place, odd texts etc. he'd deny it and deny it. He changed my number in his phone to a guy’s number. Fuck I just gave up my life as I knew it to stand by this man I couldn't understand.

     He just kept telling me it was all about him he lost everything and I lost nothing. Panic attacks would happen over anything. I just needed to know answers and why. He moved in with Asian ladies and he advertised himself for sale and his sister had told me about other women while with me. I wanted to die. I wanted revenge so bad for all of this hurt I threatened him then I'd apologize. I'd cry, beg, and plead with him. Then I would get angry again in this big circle of emotions. I'd write and say the most horrible nasty things in text ……and text…… and text I couldn't let it go.

     I've apologized over and over and still cry every day I thought I was this really horrible person. It's been 2 years and since I found out he moved to another state I feel better but don't hate him in fact I still love him and that is what I get angry about. How could someone know how much you loved them, how much you sacrificed for them, and be so cruel and uncaring? Pretend you don't exist. Let you go without. I fed him, bought him things he needed, and shared all I had with him and chose him knowing every bad thing there was to know. I loved him when he had nothing. I loved him knowing he cheated and lied and sold himself.

       I'm sorry it's such a long story. He was the first man I ever completely trusted with all of me, the first man I wanted to hug, the very first person that I said I love you to first. The first person I was willing to do anything for and did. I actually went and seen a psychologist because I was all over the place. I really didn't want revenge I just wanted him to see how much I was hurting and to try and understand why he did these things when I chose him time and time again. My income has been cut in half and now I can barely afford to live. I had to sell anything I had of value. My whole world just gone for doing what I thought was right for the man I loved. That doesn't make me a bad person does it?



Dear Devastated,

     I’m glad that you wrote in and shared your experience. I really hope that you continue with therapy and also find support in groups. It is very normal to wonder if you are a narcissist after being in a relationship with one. The very fact that you are dissecting your entire personality points toward the fact that you probably are not one. Narcissists don’t typically spend time examining their own motives or behaviors instead they spend their time examining the behavior of everyone else especially if there is a problem.
Narcissists are parasitic humans
     Being depressed, anxious, and suicidal are also normal reactions to being abuse. Your anger is also very normal because you have been violated at a cellular level. You are angry at him and you are angry with yourself for allowing him to take advantage of and exploit you. Narcissists are parasitic humans, emotional vampires, and down- right criminal.
     The way parasitic narcissists abuse their victims causes them to slowly kill the target via suicide. At the end they can always say that they had nothing to do with your death and even use your suicide to gain sympathy for others. This is called murder by suicide and you can bet they planned on pushing you to the brink of self-destruction just as much as they planned to exploit you.

     The key to pushing past the anger you feel and eventually past your depression and suicidal thoughts is in forgiveness. You do not have to forgive him but you do need to forgive yourself. Researchers have found that “individuals who have experienced negative life events (such as abuse or trauma) may find themselves in a dysfunctional cycle in which the abuse activates maladaptive self-focused thoughts that make it difficult for them to experience forgiveness of self.
     You need to forgive yourself
      Self-forgiveness plays a very important role in adjustment, by disrupting maladjustment and allowing abused individuals to regain self-respect they may have lost after living with an abusive partner for an extended period of time (Band-Winterstein, Eisikovits, & Koren, 2011). Forgiving yourself is an essential part of healing after narcissistic abuse. You could not have known that you were dealing with a predator, none of us did. You are not to blame for trusting this person. Nothing in life could have prepared you for what you have been through. 

      Moreover, working toward forgiveness of self has been shown to help disrupt the common association between abuse and depressive and anxious symptoms. In order to move forward with your life you will need to do a lot of work on healing and forgiving yourself. Likewise, the questioning of you being a narcissist is normal in that your thoughts have become so self-focused after being abused. This research also found that when we don’t forgive ourselves that leaves us open to remain in abusive relationships whether we keep going back to the original abuser or we find a new relationship that is also abusive.  
CDC's definition of a parasite

Have you ever thought about parasites before? The CDC's definition of a parasite is “an organism that lives on or in a host organism and gets its food from or at the expense of its host.” Does this sound familiar to you? Now there are different types of protozoa that are considered infectious to humans and are divided into four groups which are irrelevant to this discussion because what is not listed on the CDC website is that of the Parasitic Human. For Humans we would rather have them diagnosed with a personality disorder instead of naming them for what they truly are. Parasites.

I suppose it could be argued that the human can’t be considered a parasite according to science because they don’t feed off of our blood or live inside our bodies. Human parasites take this a step further and they live off your soul and they feed on your brain and thoughts and if you spend enough time with them then your entire body will start to fall ill.
     Further, they will inject you with disease and then leave. T he fact that your parasitic ex-boyfriend also had multiple sexual partners and could have given you a STD that could have destroyed your entire reproductive system, your brain, or entire immune system via contracted viruses like HIV I have no clue as to why the human parasite is still not on this CDC list is beyond me. With this is mind I would say the human is the most destructive of all parasites.

     Narcissistic parasites love to bring up the fact that they have lost so much and you have lost nothing as if you deserved to lose something. As if losing everything is a competition or if you need to give more because they are lacking. Lucky for us I dug up an article that was published in the Association for Psychological Science in 2014 by Daniel N Jones of University of Texas in El Paso. The title of the article is Predatory Personalities as Behavioral Mimics and Parasites: Mimicry-Deception Theory and while it mainly focuses on financial predators it has some key implications for understanding your situation as well.

     In his research Jones made the comparison between human and non-human parasites and their common behaviors being “a nonhuman animal mimic is defined as an organism that, through various means of deception (e.g., behavioral, visual, and chemical), appears to possess certain characteristics but actually possesses different characteristics (Holling, 1965). A predatory mimic (or Mortenson mimic) is a nonhuman animal that uses such confusion for hunting prey (Wickler, 1968).” (Jones 2014). This is very much what the parasitic narcissist does when they initiate their relationships. They camoflage themselves to cover up the preditor they are and study and mimic you. They love all the things you love. If you like dinner theater, so do they! If you LOVE mystery novels, so do they! They typically spend the beginning of their relationships asking questions and listening to your responses. This makes them appear caring and interested in you as a person but what they are really doing is taking notes on ways to gain entrance into your life and then ways to later exploit or blackmail you.  The predatory and parasitic behaviors described in this research are used to gain something from the target or prey through the use of deception alone.

      Think back to when you met your Ex-boyfriend and he was mimicking your good qualities while absorbing them in order to become the perfect partner for you, your soulmate. However, he is not like you because this was his strategy to gain your trust so that he could go in for the kill and take advantage of you. He needed to find out what buttons to push to get what he wanted much like the key codes on a vending machine. For money then press G3 but if you want to bully into action then press B2 for tears press A1 and for a feeling of saftey then press C6. Make no mistake about it, they study their victims from the very beginning and if they feel you are slipping away then they will press the saftey button to get you to stay. If they press G3 for instant money and you refuse then they press B2.  Jones dissects this deceptive behavior as “mimicry complexity, resource extraction rate, host integration, and risk of detection.”(2014).

      In essence your ex had a long term goal in sight and that was to drain you of all of your resources with little detection from you of being or feeling used. When these people come into our lives they have very limited resources such as money and if they do have resources it is usually from conning their last victim. They will most likely have numerous potential victims hence the many girlfriends and sexual partners because to them its like fishing.
     The wider the net is cast out the more they can pull in and use or sell.  The key to your Ex’s success was with this “resource extraction rate”, he spent the time to gain your trust and he didn’t extract all of your resources at once as to alert you that you were being manipulated and used.
     Rest assured that some of the others that were caught in his net were used for short term needs and they were quickly used and then thrown back to sea. The ones that are short term goals are the ones they con so bad that they do so quickly and very obviously and they need to be discarded so they don't have the potential to cause the narcissist any humiliation or exposure later. These victims are less likely to live near by. The narcissist probably met them online in dating sites or singles apps.

      Being a long term victim he got his foot in the door and then slowly bled you dry and destroyed your life. Of course you are angry! Who wouldn’t be! You were deceived, conned, and duped! You thought you were falling in love and this guy was only using love as a ruse to take you for all that you had and you continued to give. You are angry with him and you are probably even angrier with yourself! The point of this whole explanation is that your ex-boyfriend should no longer be viewed by you as a human because he is nothing more than a parasite.

     On top of being parasitic this person is probably going to land in prison someday due to being a con artist. I would not blame yourself but instead I would wait for other victims to eventually contact you as a witness in some court case. As for the criminal behaviors of those diagnosed with cluster B personality disorders more research is being developed. The behavior of your ex is clearly bordering criminal if not criminal already and some research already explains that there are modes of criminal behavior expressed by those with cluster B disorders and they range from the ruthless to the protective. You need to understand that you have been victimized so understanding how criminals manipulate victims is almost imperative to forgiving yourself.

     One mode described as criminal cluster b behavior is “conning and manipulative” and is what is seen when the narcissist, psychopath, or sociopath is forming a relationship with another with the purpose of gaining something from them via conning, lying, and manipulation. Moreover, these modes cycle throughout the relationship if that relationship is long term so you could experience these modes over and over again. 
     Then there is a mode described as “paranoia” mode in which the cluster BPD attempts to control sources of danger or humiliation.  Further, "Predator mode" refers to the “cold, ruthless, and premeditated aggression in which the individual focuses on callously eliminating a real or imagined threat, rival or obstacle.  (Keulen-de Vos, Bernstein, Vanstipelen, Vogel, Lucker, Slaats, & Arntz 2016).

      The more impulsive he got with his asking for money or other resources also seems to have escalated in aggression as he bullied you (Pressed those buttons on the machine) into giving him things which further manipulated you through guilt of noncompliance. This is what diagnosed cluster B criminals have been shown to do to a T. “Furthermore, it appeared that as events leading up to crimes progressed, patients’ emotional states were characterized by escalating levels of anger and impulsivity, culminating in states of ‘hot’ aggression (i.e., bully and attack mode) and ‘cold’ predatory aggression (i.e., predator mode) during the crimes themselves..”(2016).   What has happened here with you seems to be that this human parasite planned to take you for all that you would give for as long as you would give it and then when he was expose you were immediately discarded.   

     Each time he asked for something his demand for you to pity him and put your own needs second seemed to work well for him so in your recovery it would be a good idea to work on setting firm boundaries with people. What he was not planning on was his sister informing you of the other girlfriends. He went from being the love of your life, to manipulative and bullying you into giving up your resources, and paranoid in that he kept an entirely separate life, to the final discard when the sister exposed the whole scheme he had going on with multiple women. This is what human parasites do and we call them Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Sociopaths.

     I’m going to share a video with you that I watched the other day. It is kind of long but it is probably something you should take the time to listen to because the situation is almost identical to what this man went through. I think it will help you find some type of closer. Also, he drops the F bomb a lot but regardless anyone who is dating should listen to this person's nightmare as he discusses meeting his psychopath and all the clues along the way up to him finding out that his partner was a sex worker.  

      I’d like to also mention that as he had a line of sexual partners waiting around the corner when he changed your name in his phone to that of a man’s and then suddenly grew distant he knew that you were out of resources. There was nothing left for him to take. At that point you were useless to him and he treated you accordingly as he moved on to his next victim.
     Typically, someone wouldn’t hide a name or phone number unless they were spending an intimate and large amount of time with another person that also has access to the same phone. So think back to when you met him. What guy kept calling him at the beginning of your relationship that you never met and he stopped talking to? This is a pattern of conduct for him and has very little to do with who you are except for one thing; cluster BPD’s normally target people who have something to offer. He probably seen you with your life together, money in the bank, and a good job and planned out his next 5 years at least.

It takes years to heal from narcissistic abuse. You will have the lowest lows known to mankind. You will question yourself and if you are really the disordered one. You will spend day and night analyzing what you have been through to the point of mental and physical exhaustion. My best advice for you is to realize that you are not alone. Understand that there is probably very little you could have done to prevent this from happening but you do have the power to study and research red flags so that you don’t keep finding yourself in these relationships with different people. Stay in counseling and ask your therapist if they are familiar with trauma therapy for abuse victims. Get connected with other survivors so that you can openly speak about what you have been through without feeling disbelieved or judged. Good luck to you on your healing journey!


Narcissist Problems


Chang, E. C., Kahle, E. R., Yu, E. A., & Hirsch, J. K. (2014). Understanding the Relationship between Domestic Abuse and Suicide Behavior in Adults Receiving Primary Care: Does Forgiveness Matter? Social Work, 59(4), 315-320.

Jones, D. N. (2014). Predatory Personalities as Behavioral Mimics and Parasites: Mimicry–Deception Theory. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 9(4), 445-451. Doi: 10.1177/1745691614535936

Keulen-de Vos, M. E., Bernstein, D. P., Vanstipelen, S., Vogel, V., Lucker, T. C., Slaats, M., & ... Arntz, A. (2016). Schema modes in criminal and violent behaviour of forensic cluster B PD patients: A retrospective and prospective study. Legal & Criminological Psychology, 21(1), 56-76. doi:10.1111/lcrp.12047