Sunday, October 4, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Stuck"




Dear Narcissist Problems,

     I need advice/help. I'm in a very unhealthy relationship, but I feel stuck. I don't know how to get out. He is manipulative, controlling, and abusive (more verbal and sexual with occasional physical). I've tried multiple times in the last year to make him leave and it never works. I got a better job in August and was hiding money so that I could leave and he started doing little things (unplugging my alarm clock, calling me at work saying my daughter was in the hospital so I'd leave early [she wasn't] and once even leaving in MY car and taking the keys to his truck and not coming back until an hour after I was supposed to be at work) all of which have resulted in my losing my job. When I was working, he would take money out of my purse, he's told me that he paid certain bills and actually just blew the money, one of which was a traffic ticket, resulting in my license being suspended. He has cheated on me more times than I can count, but I'm the one with the problem because I'm "jealous" and "insecure" and I make him cheat because I'm so awful. I have 2 children and I can't keep putting us thru this. I don't have anyone who can help me or that we can stay with. I have a car payment and insurance now a suspended license and no income w/o him. I've been distributing my resume and filling out job applications since I lost my job 2wks ago with no luck. I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do

Sincerely,

“Stuck”

 

Dear “Stuck”,

     When I read through this I literally felt the burn of pure anger I felt with my own narcissist.  The first step in getting out is usually the hardest and that is to accept that there is a problem.  You are 60% of the way there.  The first thing I would do is print this letter up as a starting point and heading down to the local courthouse and seeking the help of a victims advocate.  I am really sorry to hear that you lost your job and I am not going to lie to you:  This next year will probably be the hardest year of your life but I know you can get through it!  The hardest part of these relationships whether it is a family member, friend, or significant other is wriggling out of their tentacles.  You need a support system.  Think really really really hard and try to see if there is anyone in your life who is willing to help. If not seek help just as you have done here.  You are not alone! All of these problems seem really overwhelming but the important thing is to work through them.  When you go to the court house talk to them and see if they can’t point you in the right direction regarding the abuse AND your license situation.  The longer you put either situation off the worse it will be later.  Try to be as proactive as possible even if you have no money.  I know that here in Chicago we are having an amnesty week for parking ticket violations.  I don’t exactly know what that means but I’m assuming either having the ticket dissolved completely or setting up a very small payment schedule.  If you lose the car; I know that will only make the situation worse but remember this isn’t the end.  You are being abused mentally, sexually, physically and financially.  This person is sabotaging your job, your income, and your ability to take care of yourself and your children.  I would not, under any circumstances, leave the children with him as a babysitter.  The children have already been through enough.  While you have a car let your determination to survive and later thrive be your guide.  Seek out community support.  Go down to the office for family and child services and see if they can assist you in finding daycare options.  I wouldn’t go into too many details but keep it strictly regarding money.  I would also see if they can possibly help you find some certification classes so that you can get a higher paying job later.  You are in a jam and the longer you stay with this person the more he is going to tear you down.  The most important thing to do is take the first steps toward your safety and independence.  Good Luck to you!  You can do this!  Further, document the crazy.  Get the police involved.  Get a restraining order against this person before you end up losing your children because of him.  The most important thing to do is to stay safe and get out as quickly as possible!  None of this is going to be easy.  You are going to need to be filled with so much fear and determination that it forces you to break the barriers of “out there” being scarier than where you already are.  Know this, you are capable enough and strong enough to do this you just need to start!  It will help to seek emotional support in a support group and you can find them on Facebook.  Also see if there are any free services for counseling in your area.  Get out there and get talking.  When we talk with others who have been there not only can they help guide us out of the nightmare but it helps to get out the pain and frustration.  You got this!  Finally, I would avoid any conflict or threatening your partner that you will leave if he doesn’t change his behavior.  Make the plans to leave as silently as possible otherwise he will sabotage those plans and he may actually hurt you or the children.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems


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