Dear Narcissist Problems, "Problem Child"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Hello! So I have a bit of a problem that I’d like some input or advice on. I have a small family, my mom and dad and sister and I, my mom and sister are literally the same person, as is my dad and I. So with that being said this causes a lot of tension in the house, even more so now that my older sister is getting married and moving in the next few months. My mom and sister are always together so I feel like my mom is trying to cling to our relationship, which is strained since I’m introverted and very much the opposite of her. She tries to pick little fights with me over stupid things like laundry or dishes. I just lost my job so I’m stuck being the house maid. I normally bite my tongue to keep the peace but lately I can’t take it. We had many bad arguments that escalated to yelling and screaming since she brings up my past of many struggles. So basically I don’t know what to do any more I’m hurt that she does these things and I just don’t understand any of it.

Sincerely,

“Problem Child”

Dear “Problem Child”,

            I actually started this page because of my relationship with my own narcissistic mother.  While there aren’t enough details to be sure if your mother is a narcissist I will let you know how I handled the situation until I was able to move out.  Starting at a young age I was the family care taker which then turned into family bill payer.  I was the adult.  Around the age of 15 I decided that I would no longer argue.  The arguments were very unproductive and the results never changed my disposition.  I was still the family Cinderella.  I decided that I would do everything in my power that on the day I turned 18 I would be able to move out and away from all the problems.  From what you wrote I am unsure of your age as I myself started working at the age of 14 so you could either be an adult already or still legally trapped.  It seems like it’s a very large possibility that your mother might enjoy creating a distance between family members and sibling rivalries.  Without more information I don’t want to carelessly throw around advice on what to do about your mother but I will offer advice on what to do with you.  From what you wrote your sister is your mothers favorite and you can do no right.  This is a classic pattern of behavior among children of narcissists.  Each of us are given roles and then expected to fulfil those roles.  Whatever the case may be just get proactive!  Every jab at your character or personality, every comment about your “flaws”, and every chore added to your to-do list be sure that you are also taking time to add your own items on this same to do list.  Do not neglect yourself or your future!  You need to build a resume and job hunt, save money, and get your own place.  Focus on what you want out of your life and make a plan to accomplish those goals.  Narcissistic mothers have a way of tearing us down to the point that we believe we deserve to be treated poorly by everyone including ourselves.  They also have a special way of letting us know we are losers who are unable to accomplish anything without their help and guidance.  You need to set some goals and a time frame because the situation between you is unlikely to change if your mother is a true narcissist.  In the mean time you can find support by reaching out to private groups of others who lived with narcissistic parents.  These groups have been a saving grace for me as it is one of the only places I have been where people get where I’ve been and what I’ve been through.  The members of these groups are amazing because they have been there and will give you support and honest guidance if you need it.  In the meantime, bust out those classified ads and start pounding the pavement!  Don’t let your current situation control the outcome of the rest of your life.  If anything snag that job and start looking for a roommate.  Living situations in our 20’s aren’t always ideal but keep building up to the situation you deserve which is peace and privacy.  After you get out of the situation of living with your mother do a lot of reflection on everything that’s happened between you.  After leaving have a talk with her and let her know how you feel.  If your mother is a narcissist and you have this talk before moving things might escalate to an astronomical proportion so please wait.  If things don’t change after this talk and the hurtful behavior continues try limiting your contact and get into therapy.  Good Luck to you!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems