What to do when going No Contact is not an option

If you are divorcing or "counterparenting" with a narcissist then going no contact might not be an option. Here are some ways to protect yourself against false allegations or worse

Dear Narcissist Problems,

I have recently married a person who I thought was the woman of my dreams but it turns out that I have just signed up for a nightmare with someone I believe is a narcissist. To make things more complicated we have a young son together.

Things seemed to go downhill soon after we got married. Today she started another argument and she started shouting and yelling in front of our son. I ask her to stop raising her voice and calm down for our sons sake. After I asked her multiple times to stop, I picked up my son and said that I was taking him to his grandma's house so he didn’t have to listen to his parents argue.

I didn’t raise my voice to her once. I simply disengaged from the arguement in an effort to leave before the situation got out of control. When I said I was leaving she picked up the phone and dialed 911 (the emergency number, you know for emergencies…) and continues to scream into the phone and told the operator that I was abducting our son.

Long story short the police arrived, they asked her to calm down and that I’m allowed to take my son anywhere I want. Then they suggested that one of us leave the home – which is exactly what I was trying to do before she called them.

The officer said that he has to file a report and it will get forwarded to social services.

We live in a nice neighborhood and I was embarrassed that the cops even had to come to my quiet street and now I'm just numb at what insanity just took place.

I want to end this relationship but I'm affraid that if I leave she will not let me see our son. After this incident I'm also affraid that she will continue to call the police on me and try to get me arrested for things that I have not done. I don't know how to deal with this and never thought I would end up in a situation like is happening. I could use any advice you have. What do I do?

Sincerely,

"Honeymoon is over"

Dear "Honeymoon",

It seems as if you are getting ready to step into a high conflict divorce so I would arm yourself with knowledge on how to protect yourself against false allegations of abuse to her and to your child. You need a plan immediately and should consult with a family law attorney sooner rather than later. I'm not going to sugar coat this because you really need to see the gravity of your situation for what it probably is, as I write this your wife and her friends are probably plotting to take you down, take your assets, and your son.

This information is good to keep on hand if you are a man or a woman going through a divorce with a narcissist as either can be highly manipulative. You can find yourself in so many horrible situations that you won't even know what hit you and if a narcissist can ruin your relationship with your child then they will so be prepared for that!

10 Steps to protect yourself against false allegations while divorcing a narcissist

1. Consult with an Attorney.

You need to get a consulation with an attorney who specialized is family law and has some experience dealing with false allegations to abuse. You need to get in touch with an attorney as soon as possible because as the police officer stated he was submiting a file to social services.

This means that you and your wife will soon be getting a knock on the door from a social worker who will be there to investigate you both for abuse or neglect. Don't make the mistake of not protecting yourself at this very critical stage of your issue. These are legal matters that can and will determine your future relationship (if any!) you will have with your child!

2. You need to document the crazy!!!!

Start documenting all future interactions. Divorcing a narcissist can quickly turn into your worst nightmare as the abuse progresses. You want to have every single interaction documented so that things can't later be manipulated or just made up.

Communicate via e-mail, text. When you talk via Skype, have a screen recorder/audio recorder on. When things are getting heated at home, have a pocket recorder.
 In many states, it’s legal to record if you’re a party to the conversation and you give consent to being recorded (i.e. you don’t need her consent).
In states that it isn’t legal, You should do it anyway for your own peace of mind to counter any lies or gaslighting you encounter later. You are not losing your mind you are being narcissized!

 Follow up every single interaction with an email to state your understanding of events! When sending e-mails, in this instance it could be a quick “Dear Wife, I wanted to take our son out of the home because it is not healthy for him to see and hear either of his parents angry and screaming at the people he loves. When you were yelling at me your words were hurting him a lot” etc. If you can set up the email so that it documents that the email has been opened.

Here is a list of everything you need to document the crazy if you can't go No Contact with a narcissist

3. Don't stay silent because you are embarassed!

 Many victims of narcissists both male and female make the mistake of trying to keep the lid on the explosion that is about to take place. This happens either out of embarassment or shame.
Start sharing your situation with people you trust. Do not go talk to people you are mutually friends with trying to convince them that you are not a bad person. These are typically people who in your gut you know will talk to your spouse in a heart beat about anything you say or do so avoid these people like the black plague!

At this point in the narcissistic nightmare your narc is building a sizable witness list. You need to do the same. Take your son with you to someone your trust and share what has just happened. Make a point to also never discuss what is going on infront of your son! This is key! Children should never be thrown into adult situations so just don't!

4. Install surveilance cameras.

 At this moment, you and your wife are in verbal confrontation. This has a high potential to escalate into a physical confrontation as she provokes you. She can hit you, and then claim you hit her even if you call the cops. You need solid evidence to keep you from being imprisoned because this is a favorite tactic of narcissists when they are losing control of a situation.

The reality of the situation is that if it’s just her word against yours, you ARE going to jail. Instead, what you want to do is this: record EVERYTHING especially in your home especially if she is already exhibiting aggressive behavior towards you. Wait for her to call the cops. When she does, pull all the footage from the hidden cameras and show it to them.

Then, charge her with falsification/harassment. I know there are women reading this shaking their heads saying this information will help narcissistic male abusers but think about that line of thought real quick. If everything is being recorded then wouldn't that protect you both from false accusations?

5. Separate financially and be open and honest about it so she is aware.

Don't pull a scum bag manuever where the two of you have agreed that she will be a stay at home mom while you work and then close the accounts leaving her with zero means to get by, homeless and starving. That is also abusive behavior.

 If there are any disputes talk to your lawyer about them, document them, and sort it out in court but try to be as fair as possible because this action will say way more than words ever can especially in a courtroom when you will be accused of financial abuse. Make sure you document every last cent that is going in and out of any accounts. Take out your share of cash from the joint accounts, give her a share, and document it! Further, immediately deactivate credit cards that you’re sharing with her. The last thing you need to deal with while divorcing a narcissist are maxed out credit cards!

6. Start building some quality time with your son. You want your son to not be coachable by your wife or her attorney. This is the stage that parental alienation really comes on in full force as an abusive parent tries to make a good parent out to be a child molesting serial killer who is hiding bodies all over the county.

 Try to keep your sons life as stable as possible and try to maintain a positive role model. Take your son out on some amazing trips where you two can bond: fishing, biking, etc. Take pictures of you guys having fun. One night, sit him down and explain what is happening in simple terms. Do NOT use this as an opportunity to bash your wife! Again, don't be that guy.

It's important that your son is aware of big changes that are taking place especially when those changes involve his family separating! Tell him to not be afraid and that you love him and always will. Further, always try to have a third party around instead of just going out with your son alone as many narcissists like to make false allegations of abuse when good parents do spend time alone with their children. Bring along another family member or someone else you would trust with your life.

7. Hire an Attorney. 

This is not the same as getting a consultation with initial advice. You want to be prepared and you do NOT want to have a high conflict divorce without one! Make sure that you give your attorney all your documentation and keep them up to date on what is going on. Everytime a police report is made or a social worker shows up call your lawyer ASAP!

8. Have a home not a bachelor pad! 

You want to see your son after the divorce right? You are in the middle of false allegations of whatever right? You do not want YOUR SON, police, or social services coming to a party pad! Your new home should be inviting, relaxing, and have enough rooms for everyone.

You want to let your son know that there is still space for him in your life. In an effort to do this he will need his own room, toys, and clothing. There is nothing worse for a child than to feel as though they don't belong even if you didn't mean to make them feel that way so always have his space clean and welcoming.

9. Mentally prepare yourself for the coming months or years.

There is nothing worse than divorcing a narcissist if you are not mentally prepared for the long haul ahead of you. You need to research your state laws, federal laws, and anything in between that could have an effect on your situation.

Being mentally prepared also means that you are finding emotional support. You don't necessarily need the support to be from those in your life but surround yourself with people who understand what you are going through. This could start by finding a place to vent when the poo really does hit the fan. It also helps because you will have others to give you perspective on the situation.

Make sure that your support system is not just a breeding ground for hate. If you find yourself in a support group of all men who hate every women on planet earth then this environment can also take a toll on your mental health. All or nothing people can have distorted thinking and they can be men or women so protect your mind from all or nothing view points.

Further, find a therapist who specifically deals with trauma and high conflict relationships. Don't put the therapy off because you will need it. You have to protect your mental health from disease and decay just as you do your body so don't just brush off a therapist because you think your not in need. You will be!

10. File for Divorce and realize that co-parenting with a narcissist in reality is counter-parenting.

You will need to make documenting your interactions with your ex-narcissist. These individuals do not know how to get along for the sake of their children. You need to protect yourself and your children from their toxic behaviors as much as possible. 

It might seem insane to most people that this information even needs to exisist but do yourself a favor and don't ignore a situation that could turn into losing your rights to your child. It happens to men and women every single day because they don't realize what they are up against. A normal person can't even begin to predict the nightmare situations that narcissists will create. When they get into divorce they find out really quickly that child protective services doesn't only show up for abused children they show up to investigate any claim your narcissist can get away with making. Good luck to you!

Regards,

Narcissist problems

10 things to expect if you beat a narcissist in court

There are many things to expect after you beat a narcissist in court and none of them are predictable or pretty

#narcissists #NPD #narcissism

Dear Narcissist Problems,

My narcissistic sister is trying to steal the inheritance.

 I have a lawyer and the will clearly indicates what is mine. I will win the case but don't know what her reaction would be..... she is in denial of reality and goes around telling other people that everything is hers.

What should I expect from her once i win in court?

Sincerely,

"Shanghaied"

Dear "Shanghaied",

   There are a few things that will probably happen after you beat a narcissist in court and none of them are predictable or pretty. If you want to win just make sure to always take steps to cover your butt because narcissists will quickly muddy the waters and take the focus of the purpose and distract everyone with utter chaos!  It sounds like you are definately dealing with a narcissist.  The high conflict parasites are well known by families around the globe for ruining any memories we have of loved ones that have passed by making those final days and later disputes over properties a total nightmare.  First, I would like to say I am very sorry for the passing of your parent(s). Second, Expect a whole lot of crazy once you win!

Best Way to win in court against a narcissist is to document the crazy!

The only way to win against a narcissist in court is to document the shit out of their crazy. They tell so many lies that they can't keep them straight so a drawn out court case will short circuit their brain. They don't have the mental stamina to keep up with their own crazy so use that to your advantage! Document, document, document! 

Keep a journal with times and dates and a brief description of your daily activities. If something out of the ordinary happens then document it and include any witness information or any agencies that were involved...like the police!  

Do NOT respond directly to any of their accusations or try to defend yourself. Save it for the court room. When they accuse you of something then go get the documentation prooving them wrong! Document Document Document!

Keep your cool! If you go around reacting to all the crazy then you will look crazy! Remain calm at all times as if your life depended on it. 

If you think dealing with your narcissistic sister is a living nightmare now you are in for a world of hurt. Hopefully, you take your inheritance and move to another planet because she will never stop trying to hunt you down. I'd also like to say Kudos for standing up for yourself and not just giving in to her demands and drama just to keep the peace.

Let me break this down for you on the things you can expect from your narcissistic sister after you win in court. I'll make a list for you and you can check them off as they eventually happen but hopefully you will be long gone by then.

Things a narcissist will do after you beat them in court:

1. Play the victim

Your narcissistic sister has surely involved your entire family by now and has painted you as an evil villain. After all, you deserved that anonymous smear campaign posted to the local craigslist explaining why everyone should hate AND avoid you. They will use pity to gain the sympathy of any unsuspecting future flying monkeys. 

They will tell people how mean you were growing up and how you were always the favorite and how you always got special treatment and extra gifts and how they "Deserve" more inheritance because they were so neglected and they had to put up with sooo sooo much just being a member of your family.

Keep in mind normal people will be very suspicious of anyone speaking about the death of their parents in such a self serving way. Instead of focusing on the loss of loved ones they only focus on what they will be getting out of the "deal". This would send a chill down any sane persons spine and they will avoid that person. 

With this in mind, your sister will be recruiting the high drama and high conflict to asist her in her crazy. If you notice people enjoying this family fued by always being around when a conflict happens or suddenly appearing as a sympathetic ear immediatley stop contact with these people because they will only be escalating this situation. 

2. You will be ostracized from the rest of your family

It is probably too late to share your side of the story so what the rest of your family knows is this: your narcissistic sister is being attacked by you in court. You are one cold blooded dude taking little narc sis to court! Never mind that she probably tried to forge your name out of the will and just take everything in the first place. In her eyes you don't deserve anything and this is war.

Hopefully your family sees your sister for the high conflict emotional vampire that she is. I know narcissistic women love to turn on that little girl voice and feign the innocent victim especially with family but count on the fact that she has probably screwed other family members over in the past so it might only shed light on her needing a psych eval more than anything.

3. Your neighbors will stop speaking to you

As you go about your daily routines you notice that your neighbors don't say good morning anymore. Hell, they can't even look you in the eye! You are pretty sure that one of them seen you and then ran the other way before you could wave hello. When this happens remind yourself that you just beat your narcissistic sister in court.

Get a head start on this smear campaign if you can and just let your neighbors know what is going on and ask them to keep an eye out on your property. There are more families with crazy members than you can imagine so don't be embarassed by this. Your neighbors might be more understanding and helpful than you expected! They also might need to be called into court later if your sister decides to come destroy your property or she starts stalking you. 

4. Your friends start acting weird

You've been going to bowling with your league like clockwork for at least 5 years. However, this year is different. Your group of buddies decided to call it a quit. Everyone is just too busy. You get a little sad and sentimental but you get over it and decide to take yourself out bowling.

Lo and behold! When you get to the bowling alley there is your league! Bowling! With your narcissistic sister!! It doesn't need to be bowling the whole point is that if you love things then your narcissistic sister is now hell bent on making you pay for what you did so she will destroy everything you love! 

5. Your car tires are slashed

After your sudden rejection from everyone in your life at this point the slash tires could have been anyone. Your narcissistic sister has been busy bad mouthing you to the whole town and most of them believe her! Everyone who didn't grab a pitch fork and torch to come hunt you down, they just came for the show.

Your tires could have been slashed by your narcissistic sister or by one of her flying monkeys. Which brings us to #6

6. You learned the phrase "flying monkeys"

This is an essential term to know ESPECIALLY if you just beat a narcissist in the court room. You found out that people who you assumed were well meaning by asking you how you were doing and you poured your guts out to because you thought they really cared. Yeah, well, they didn't. They were just coming to get the dirt on you and take it back to your narcissistic sister. Your sister wants to know that you are suffering and there are people willing to help her accomplish that goal. Those people are flying monkeys.

7. You get fired from your job

Your narcissistic sister called your boss because she has been REALLY worried about your life style. All the drugs, alcohol, gambling, stealing from family, and prostitution you are doing is scary for her. She is just your sister and she loves you so so much! Since your boss sees you everyday she was hoping that he would talk some sense into you about all of your bad habits. She also wants to be sure your HIV test came back negative as you disclosed to her that you were out sharing dirty needles while shooting up.

8. Your doctor starts acting weird

You go to the doctor and keep getting strange looks and a general awkwardness when you doctor used to be pretty cool. Narcissistic sister called your doctor too. She told him everything she told your boss but added in your growing mental instability, irrational explosions of rage, and paranoia.

9. Your social security number was used to open up credit card accounts.

The credit cards were maxed out. You have to deal with cleaning this mess up. 

10. You get audited by the IRS

Your narcissistic sister called the IRS to inform them you were earning money and not paying taxes. 

This is the short list of things that will happen to you after you beat your narcissistic sister in court. While this list might seem scary or intimidating don't let her antics force you to back down. Narcissists have zero respect for boundaries of any sort so this is something that you NEED to do. Nobody wants to take their own family to court but narcissists don't give us that choice because their behavior forces us to take action against them. When or if you think about giving up just remember that if you do her behavior will only get worse as she feels the sense of power and control over you. Continue to document her actions, behaviors, and any odd incidents that happen because you might need this to take her to court for stalking, harassment, or other criminal acts. Good luck to you!

Regards

Narcissist Problems