August 7, 2016

Dear Narcissist Problems, “Lost in South Africa”

Dear Narcissist Problems,

I need your advice because I am desperate. I met my pervert narcissist on Facebook when I was in the UK and then I moved to South Africa (he is Congolese but lived in Cape Town). We had a long distance relationship for 4 months and I felt that he was my soul mate (he used to say that as well). He threatened me twice to break up with me but I was stupid and I went to Cape Town. We stayed together for 1 year and now since January 2015 we are in UK.
Everything was fast. We got married 1 year after we met and it was a nightmare: threats, lies, manipulation, silence treatment....
Since last June I started the divorce process and now he said to me that he realized every mistakes he made, he wants to change, he booked 1 appointment per week with a psychologist... lots of nice promises. I left him last Sunday because I want a new job so I told him that I needed a 4 month break to think and I will postpone the divorce. So now I am in London and he is in Manchester and he is still harassing me with his promises and talk to me for hours telling me that he will prove himself... he wants me to postpone the divorce process so he can keep his job because we are not married for 3 years. I don’t think he can change. When he knew I will divorce and received my petition, he changed everything on his behavior. It was too quick and not credible for me. Too much!
I don’t know what to think.
I really need your help as it’s a new life for me in London but he is still on my mind trying to convince me to stop the divorce because he is sure he can change.

Thank you! 😵😵


“Lost in South Africa”

Dear “Lost”,

     While rushing into a relationship with someone who immediately calls you a soul mate is a red flag of a narcissistic relationship without more detail I can’t be too sure that you are married to a narcissist.  After reading this I am under the impression that this man is going to be getting some type of Visa through your marriage as he wouldn’t be able to work in the UK without being married for 3 years?  If this is the case and you were not aware that he would be gaining a Visa through your marriage then it seems that he is using you for this purpose.  You mentioned that he booked appointments to see a psychologist but did not mention if he was actually attending those appointments.  When dealing with manipulators it is always important to consider their actions before believing a single word that comes out of their mouths!  From what you wrote here this man wants to work on the relationship but do you?  I agree that the marriage may have happened rather quickly and was formed on the basis of lust rather than a real connection or commitment.  It takes time to form trust and bonds with people.  It also takes time to really get to know others especially if that person is someone who you plan on spending the rest of your life with.  Whether this person is a narcissist or not it seems as if you may need time to consider exactly what you want out of a relationship and life.  This is your life and you should take all the time you need to figure the situation out.  I do not condone divorce but I do recommend that you use this relationship as a learning experience if you divorce or if you stay.  I guess the number one piece of advice I would give anyone is to give all your relationships time to form.  Moreover, really get to know the people before making commitments.  Too often when we share ourselves too quickly or are too giving and loving we can be taken advantage of.  It seems as if this may have happened to you but only you know exactly what is going on behind closed doors.  Never stay in an abusive relationship and if the contact with him is overwhelming and harassing document it in case you need it for court.  Ask that the behavior and contact be limited and if this request is ignored then ask him to stop any further contact.  If this request is ignored you might need to take legal action.  However, if you are telling him that you need a break because you too want to work on the relationship and not telling him that the contact is unwelcomed then you are also contributing to the problem here.  It is good to be very clear about our intentions in these situations.  Being passive is only going to make the situation worse and we can’t expect others to read our minds or between the lines and hope they get that they are not welcome in our lives.  Good luck to you!  I wish I could give you a step by step guide to figure the whole situation out but I can’t.  This is going to take some soul searching and you are the only one who can do that. 

Narcissist Problems