April 14, 2015

Assumption is the Gossip of intellectual logic

          Narcissists use assumptions or false beliefs to define the world around them.  To understand this further we need to explore the definition of assumption which is “a willingness to accept something as true without question or proof (Cambridge University Press 2015) .  All people have assumptions which can turn into beliefs with no personal experience.  However, a narcissist rarely uses any logic or evidence to form their beliefs, especially in regards to their relationships with others.

Normal people do not form a belief of a “loved” ones entire personality based upon assumptions but rather on inferences (personal experience).  According to the Cambridge dictionary an inference “is a belief or opinion that you develop from the information that you know (Cambridge University Press 2015) .  Normal people base their beliefs on others personalities and behaviors based on what they have learned through experience with that person.  A narcissist typically does not do this because they create a role for you in their minds and they are unable to believe or learn that their original assumptions were false. 

Anyone who has dealt with a narcissist knows their daily lives will be filled with assumptions and gossip.  Whether you are the new supply to these parasites or their targeted scapegoat you are exposed to two toxic behaviors, assumption and gossip.  Let’s explore these behaviors from the beginning of the relationship to the end. In my personal experience, we could call this inference, one day the relationship with the narcissist will be fine and then one day a giant explosion of bullshit will take place and this is when you slowly find out all of the assumptions about yourself that have been passed off to others as gossip guised as concern for a loved one.

Here is how it works:

      A narcissist will label you with a problem such as a drug addiction and then gossip to others so they believe this false assumption as well.  None of these people has actually experienced you being a drug addict so these assumptions never enter reality or have the possibility to become an inference.  As humans, once we form a belief, whether based on an assumption or inference, we stop questioning the validity of the matter.  This belief becomes a fact and is rarely questioned.  This is an extreme manipulation of reality on the part of the narcissist and accepted by the majority of people who are exposed to the narcissist’s assumptions.  This is why we are often left to suffer alone and in silence after an encounter with one of these individuals.  This is why assumptions are the gossip of intellectual logic.      

Assumptions will be formed to assign the roles people play in the narcissists mind.  Your role in the narcissist’s life will include parent, child, spouse, neighbor, friend, and the most common enemy. If you have a narcissist as a parent be prepared for a rough life ahead of you.  You will be used, manipulated, stolen from, lied to, gas-lighted, and the run of the mill emotional torture until one of you dies or you disappear.  If you are lucky you were the scapegoat of your soul murderer and not the favorite.  This is probably the only instance in life where you will be done more justice being treated as the "red headed step child".  Why??  One day you will be the one to realize that things are not what they appear to be and most likely this will happen early because your role as family punching bag was chosen from day one.    

 Your role does not really matter because the treatment doled out by these emotional vampires is typically the same depending on the amount of soul you supply to sustain their insatiable appetite.  They define individuals based on a reflection of their own emotion, fear, or insecurities instead of on reality.  They do this by projecting all of their bad qualities onto you and then absorbing all of your good qualities until you are seen as all bad, by everyone you have ever known.  The false assumption of who you are and what you are worth forms their reality.  Their reality is black/white or Good VS. Evil.  Their reality consists of many T.V. Novela like dramas performed by the people in their lives and of course they are the producers of these dramas.

Narcissists do not think logically but rather emotionally which leads to the destruction of those closest to them.  Instead of relying on experience to base their beliefs on they prefer to rely on assumptions which they form based on emotions. Normal people have the ability to take a step back from problems in order to critically evaluate the situation.  When a normal person is in conflict with other people they seek a resolution to the conflict and hopefully a mutual understanding.  Normal people take this step away in order to detach from the conflict emotionally. 

A narcissist will do the exact opposite.  When a narcissist is in conflict with others they remain emotional and instead of stepping away they engage the conflict.  They aggravate the situation almost the way a neglected child acts out to gain the attention of their parent.  They scream, cry, throw objects, or revert to physically harming you. The conflict continually escalates.  If they fail to get their way, and this is all that matters, the war has officially been declared.  In their minds they must win at all costs even if they are wrong because they do not have the ability to form sound beliefs from their own human experience so they can’t understand that they are being irrational or illogical.  If you have injured their ego you will suffer the wrath.  What does this wrath look like? 

Stages of Conflict with a narcissist:

Stage 1: Initial conflict/rage;

A disagreement occurs which becomes highly emotional, tantrum like, stomping, shouting, crying, and blaming with the possibility of violence.

Stage 2: Quiet before the Storm

The healthy individual distances themselves from the situation in order to evaluate the situation and determine the next steps to take.  During this break a normal person begins to calm down.  On the other hand, the narcissist is left with a seething rage that will not simmer until they have inflicted pain on you.  If you find yourself in a battle with a narcissist it truly is a battle to the death of one of you.  At this point, the normal individual is most likely deciding to end the relationship or seek counseling.  However, many times the rational thinker will try to resolve this conflict and return to find a resolution then end up apologizing for the sake of the relationship.  If you return to make amends just know the battles will only get worse over time because the narcissist in your life now knows how to manipulate and control you.

Stage 3: Resolution or Revenge

After the conflict you took time to step away from the situation to give yourself some time to breathe and think about the situation rationally.  The narcissist, again, did the opposite.  After much thought you have finally decided to end the relationship with this train wreck in your life. I say finally because these conflicts have probably happened numerous times before you decided to call it quits.  You are filled with an intense inexplicable fear and a fight or flight response.  You are nervous and anxious.  The sound of your phone ringing makes you jump and you are afraid to leave your house because you know what this person is capable of. You know what they are capable of because you have seen what they have done to others who have pissed them off.  You remember this soul murderer slashing the tires of enemies, gossiping, backstabbing, and creating havoc for others in dark places at secret times while they plotted their revenge.  You know it is just a matter of time before they get their revenge on you. Your time is coming and you can feel the devil breathing down your neck.  This fear is unbelievably debilitating and over the next few weeks you isolate yourself. 

3 steps of stage 3:

A: Gossiping

This is step A of stage three for the narcissist.  Annihilate the enemy (you) while pretending to be the victim. While you are isolating yourself and licking your wounds your emotional vampire is out there living it up.  They are out their making a point to mingle with YOUR friends, YOUR family, and YOUR co-workers. They begin telling your family and friends how much they really liked them but because of your problems and your abusive personality things are coming to an end in your relationship.  They will even make things up while simultaneously throwing you under the bus or reveling all of your secrets.  All those secrets you shared are now being used against you.  Remember the time you were injured and your doctor prescribed a narcotic for a few days?  Now you are labeled a drug addict who abuses prescription meds.  You may have only had one doctor visit with a follow up but to a narcissist that will translate into your doctor shopping, sometimes in multiple states, in order to get enough pills to feed your addiction.  This story will be told to your co-workers when the narcissist just happens to bump into them or when they call your job when they don't see your car at work.  They call your job voicing their concerns about not seeing you and they are concerned for your health and safety because of your drug addiction and isn't there anybody there who could help.  The narcissist needs help because they just don't know what to do anymore. 

Step B: Drive enemy to insanity

 Drive you insane until you are forced to react.  They do this by breaking into your home and stealing things or moving objects around.  Simultaneously they try to sabotage you and all that you love. Your credit will be ruined, cash will be spent, and the reason is because YOU are a drug addict.  Nobody will ever find out you are broke and possibly homeless at this point because the narcissist has taken out numerous lines on your credit and maxed all of them out leaving you with an enormous amount of debt.  Further, remember how the narcissist was left in charge of paying the bills? Well they haven't been paid in 6 months and now you are being evicted.  You drive to work hoping to bring in some cash only to find out that you were fired for some random reason so insignificant that you are sure this must be a joke.  It’s not.  Your friends begin to avoid you and you are pretty positive that even members of your own family are giving you dirty looks.  Basically, everyone seems to hate your guts but you assume you are being paranoid because nobody will ever tell you what they think you did.  It doesn't matter if you never did what they are assuming but the belief has been planted and the deterioration of your life is the proof.  The solid truth of the matter is now that you are a bonified junkie, just look at your life!  After getting fired you go out to start your car and you find your tires are all slashed.  You get them repaired.  Then your engine breaks down because someone poured sugar in your gas tank.  The story going around is that you owed a drug dealer money and they vandalized your car to teach you a lesson.  You are now homeless, carless, and jobless but it ain't over 'til it’s over. It will not be over until your life-force has been sucked out of you and you have been batted around like a cat playing with a mouse until your death. Preferably, your death is long, emotionally painful, drawn out, and filled with many personal tragedies. The desired outcome is your death by method of suicide.  If your will is too strong to succumb to suicide my best advice is to remain hyper vigilant or leave the planet.

Step C: Lifetime control of you through fear

Ten years from now your car will break down in the middle of nowhere out on some desert highway. BAM! That's the moment the narcissist shows up to remind you who is in control. You hear an engine revving as some maniac is coming down the road like a bat out of hell. The hairs raise on your neck and you are not sure if you should hide but tell yourself you are being paranoid.   You decide to flag the car down to help you but instead you do a dive roll off the highway to avoid becoming roadkill.   After you dust yourself off from your dive into the nearest ditch, you see the car turn around and come back for more.  While you probably would wish the maniac would just get it over with and run you over, they don’t.  Instead they turn on their high beams and stay at your heels as you run away while they are honking and laughing at your desperate attempt to escape.  Revenge is a dish best served cold and you are going to be getting some very cold helpings to this dish for the rest of your life. 

What now?

The only advice I can offer is to document the crazy, trust your gut, and take them to court if need be.  This is a battle until the last man is standing so never underestimate their ability to manipulate the world with their delusional assumptions in order to make your life a living hell.  This will include taking away your joy, peace, emotional, and physical freedom.  Be prepared for a new level of crazy when you try to enforce boundaries with these individuals.  You are a meal to them and they are starving!  Protect yourself by going no contact.  If need be get a restraining order.  If possible change your identity and leave the town, leave the state, leave the country, and hope to someday leave the planet because they will never stop trying to track you down.     

Cambridge Dictionaries Online (US). (n.d.). Retrieved April 15, 2015, from http://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/american-english/inference


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