March 16, 2018

Dear Narcissist Problems "Postal Stalker"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Dear Narcissist Problems,

I’m almost freaked out even writing you because of the narcissism but I need some quick advice. My ex husband is a diagnosed (now after our psych eval for custody) narcissist and has put me and my child through hell to make me pay for leaving him. I could show you so many games he plays- the most recent was him sending his monthly post card to my child (he never calls) and he wrote her name on the postcard with his address then crossing it out with two lines and put my address. This was, as you know, a mind game to make her think the judge is removing her from her life, Mom, and sister and making her move to another state with him who she has no contact with.

What is the post card mind game? He sends one a month, usually 2-4 days before his child support comes. Does he just know it has me living in fear of what’s next? Can I make him stop? We go to court soon for custody ruling and when the judge finds out that he has zero contact except for this monthly post card and that he illegally moved our marital property out of state and sold it.... I’m scared of what he’ll do next. My attorney has played so many games with him and he’s walked into every one. So, can you tell me what the post card game is?

Btw.. I started reading one of your books and it put me into a panic because it’s so exhausting and draining. I’m so tired of the games. He now has a new girlfriend who I know is just a game for him but whatever. Our custody evaluator, right before he died, told me, “he puts on a great performance in front of judge P@3223**n doesn’t he?” Ugh I just know you’re probably the best person to ask about the postcard thing.

(Response from Narcissist Problems: If you moved and left a forwarding address it would send the card back to him with your new address. Do you want me to post anonymously? Phone is dying. I'll write more when I get to my house).

We live in a military base and can’t move at the moment. Legally I have to give him the address where our child is. At least for now. Yea.. can you list it anonymously? I had a mother just like him and then I married that idiot now I’ve had to fight the fight of my life for custody so he can’t destroy my daughter. Because destroying her destroys me. So far he hasn’t won anything and everything has backfired on him because my attorney is very experienced in narcissism and has cornered him- which scares me because I don’t know what he’ll do after court when he realizes he’s done. So I’ve put things in place legally in case he does anything to me. Then again, I don’t think he’ll ruin his military career because that’s all he has to make people respect him.


“Military Mind Games”

Dear “Military Mind Games”,

Your message has been weighing on my mind and I needed to give this some thought before posting this. This is exactly what narcissists do to their victims! They make us scared when we leave to the point that we second guess ourselves and their motives. Make no mistake about this; while your narcissist LOVES the mind games their ultimate goal is power and control over you. These people do not think like normal people do. You are in a legal battle and unfortunatley the rules rarely apply to them because they are rarely punished for what they put us through even if it is illegal. There will always be a believable excuse! He sold your property? Do you know what he plans on telling the judge? “Your Honor, I had to sell the property to get away from her because she was making my life a living hell”. The fact of the matter is that he has probably made more than a few police reports where the police found no evidence of you doing anything wrong BUT now those reports are on file with the police department for him to show a judge. I would get a FOIA request form and send it to gather the police records where the two of you lived and to the city where he moved for whatever time periods are relevant for each location.

Ok so these post cards….

Narcissists know exactly what they are doing and just because you are following the rules doesn’t mean they will. He expects you to take your children and run. Hell, any sane person would contemplate a life on the run just to stop our children from being abused. This is what the narcissist would do… so the narcissist also expects that this is what you will do! However, the narcissist is acting out of a place of spite and revenge and not out of protecting their child. As you said you are sick of the games and this is exactly what the post card is. The narcissist is always thinking ahead. They strategize their game plan based on all the possibilities of things that YOU might do in reaction to their abuse….. Moving and disappearing is on that list for your narcissist. When you say you “can’t” move what I hear is “I can’t move yet because I’m financially drained but once I’m stable I’m out!” I don’t think there is a law requiring you to live on that military base (where he most definately has flying monkeys so if you have a friend on that base stop sharing personal information with them especially about your divorce and your future plans!). Also, never underestimate a pissed off narcissist! “I don’t think he’ll ruin his military career because that’s all he has to make people respect him.” (You, 2018). Think again, he will try to get away with what he needs to get away with but sometimes a narcissist will be so pissed off that even if they get caught they will consider it worth it. Don’t give this narcissist the opportunity for revenge.

This monthly post card is in anticipation of your move. It’s a slow conditioning so that when you DO disappear, if that card is not already marked “Service address requested” then it will be once this case is over and you will never notice because your so used to getting the card already!

Get a P.O. box and NEVER use your address for anything! Even utilities use a p.o. Box and regularly google yourself to see if you pop up on those websites like Spokeo or people search and then request that they remove that information immediatley.

The post card is more than just a mind game for the two of you…. It’s a method of stalking in the event that you move without leaving him your address. The United States Postal Service call this an ancillary service endorsement.

Depending on the purpose of your mailing, you may want those pieces forwarded to customers who have moved, or you may want a corrected address returned to you. Ancillary service endorsements include five basic phrases that are printed on the address side of your mailpiece:

Address Service Requested

Return Service Requested

Change Service Requested

Forwarding Service Requested

Electronic Service Requested

Undeliverable mail is handled differently depending on the class of mail, the endorsement you use, and how recently your customer has moved. Some of these actions have fees associated with them and may cost you money. (USPS, 2018).

For Address Service Requested, Return Service Requested, or Forwarding Service Requested by sender then this is what the time frame looks like after you have changed your address in most cases:

Months 1 through 12: mailpiece forwarded; notice of new address provided, address correction fee charged.

Months 13 through 18: mailpiece returned with new address attached

After 18 months or if undeliverable at any time: mailpiece returned with reason for non delivery attached.

Return Service Requested: No forwarding, only return. New address notification provided.

IF there is NO ENDORSEMENT placed on the postcard/letter by the sender then the mail will be handled by class and then “Same treatment as “Forwarding Service Requested.” USPS Retail Ground, Media Mail and Library Mail forwarded as postage due to the addressee. If refused or being returned, mailer pays postage at the appropriate single-piece price 3 (507.1.5.4).”

What you are experiencing is more than just a mind game…. It is stalking. Your narcissist is stalking you months before you even know that you are going to need help. When this is over and you need to disappear and he later finds you….. This is how it happened. Take precautions to protect yourself because I find this very disturbing. The fact that he is already hunting you down before you “need” to be says A LOT….. regardless of military career. Please call the private investigator by clicking on this link so that you can get some ammunition for court and a clear picture of exactly who this person is and all of the locations they have lived within the United States. This is company is owned by a pretty awesome guy with his own narcissist problems and he can do a better background check than they use when tracking down fugitives for around $100 and it's information that will hold up in court.

Click this link and it will take you to his website for Child Custody Investigations and tell him that I sent you over please because he normally just takes full investigative cases. Copy and Paste this into the form if you want "Hello, Narcissist Problems said that you could offer a digital investigation instead of a physical investigation for child custody investigations and that is what I am interested in". I'm not saying that the physical investigation is not worth it, because it is, but I know we are all on very limited budgets around here!


February 21, 2018

N-WMD: Narcissistic Weapon of Mental Destruction

Narcissistic Weapon of Mental Destruction

Gaslighting is the intentional use of manipulative techniques to drive you insane

One of the dysfunctional family members of pathological lying is a form of manipulation often referred to as “Gaslighting”.  The main element of gaslighting is an abusive behavior that implants a sense of doubt in a target that makes them question their perceptions and memories.  The best way to promote these misconceptions and distorted memories is for the gaslighter to use denial.  They will deny that events happened, altogether and if they don’t use denial then history will simply be rewritten.  Memories are then replaced with extensive exaggerations of facts that are used to validate the version of the gas-lighter’s story.  

There is a reason why survivors of narcissistic abuse call their experience nothing less than crazy making because it is difficult to describe the way in which another person distorted their reality to gain control over them.  For instance, gaslighting tends to go hand in hand with blame shifting.  When the gaslighter is caught lying or behaving in a cruel or abusive manner and confronted this behavior becomes your fault.  They will convincingly point out that their outrageous behavior is simply a reaction to YOU and YOUR abusive behavior.  This is a form of psychological discounting that results in the denial of reality.

Another instance of gaslighting is illustrated through an attempt to block or divert the truth from being discussed.  The narcissist will simply say they don’t want to talk about it or that the subject is “off limits” as they refuse to discuss anything that would shed some light on all of the doubts the victim has.  The abuser then closely follows up with trivializing the thoughts and feelings expressed by the victim as another form of invalidation.  This minimization of experience is often done with the use of “jokes” and if all else fails then the narcissistic gaslighter will result to threats and intimidation. 

N-WMD: Narcissistic Weapon of Mental Destruction

In an attempt to verbally express the realities of gaslighting I stumbled upon an article that left me with the realization of why it is so difficult for victims of this type of abuse to get help.  In the article Falsifying Reality, Spawning Evil author David Sasha attempted to discover how one becomes a victim of gaslighting as he dissected the 1944 film ‘gaslight’.  His conclusion was that “those who choose to gaslight others must first choose a target that is easily defeated and manipulated.  Gaslighting works best when one is dealing with individuals whose ability to defend themselves is minimal.  Such an inability might be due to the inherent weakness of the individual, or it may be because of the honesty and integrity of the person, which makes them an easy target.”. 

While I agree that honesty and integrity of the victim is most likely some of their traits this has very little to do with being characterized as easily defeated or manipulated.  Victims of gaslighting are created over time through the whittling away of their being and the minimization of their experiences that slowly evolves into full blown distortion of reality.  It takes very little skill to lie to someone who loves or trusts you and the result is a belief in that lie.  Ultimately, what this argument boils down to is that the ability to love and trust are considered a weakness.  Further, this has more to do with the manipulation and exploitation of trust than it does with how mentally weak a victim is. A clear distinction should be made between weakness and the boundaries of trust/love which is often illogical but still does not equate to being mentally weak.

Gaslighting is the slow journey down the trail of insanity where the truth of your being is plucked away one little morsel at a time and slowly replaced with the reality of a master manipulator.  Narcissists are the black widows of the mind because original thoughts, feelings, and perceptions of yours are injected with narcissistic toxins that necrotizes and putrefies neural connections, of this I’m almost positive.  So unless having your mind cauterized by someone you love and trust is considered a weakness then I guess I’m mistaken and very very mentally weak.

Signs and symptoms that you have been a victim of gaslighting

Victims of Gaslighting can have various reactions but if it is prolonged over the course of months or years then the victims will begin acting out especially if they feel trapped in their situation.  These behaviors include addictions, self-harm, suicide attempts, binging and purging, or anorexia.  There are copious amounts of ways an individual will react while trying to gain a semblance of control over their own minds and bodies due to the psychological violence they have gone through. 

Once a victim of narcissistic manipulation begins the journey of acting out they again find themselves the victim of psychiatric institutionalized gaslighting.  Moreover, the act of seeking help, or being forced into therapy, only perpetuates the gaslighting because the symptoms of the adverse behavior being demonstrated by the traumatized victim is masked by various psychological diagnoses.   These diagnoses suggest the problem is the victim who is unable to deal with life.  For instance, if diagnosed with an eating disorder there is a hyper focus on eating habits and getting to a healthy weight while the reasons that caused the eating disorder are pushed aside. 

The problem is that the traumatized victim of a narcissistic gaslighter has been brainwashed by this point to protect their abusers while at the same time trying to escape them.  The help with the eating disorder then turns to the victim needing help with depression and anxiety.  Treatment then turns into questions of chemical imbalances, which again perpetuates the distortion of the victim’s reality as doctors and psychiatrists begin to label the victim as the problem. 

Even worse is that the abuser is most likely involved with the treatment and manipulating the doctors and psychiatrists while maintaining a presence to further control the victim.  An undertone of maligning and triangulating sources of support or help permeates the very fabric and interactions between the gaslighter and the victim of their manipulation.  

Eventually, it becomes a truth in the victim’s reality that there will be no help for them and they make peace with this fact.   The narcissist first convinces their victims that they are mentally disturbed, then they tell others about how crazy they are.  Oh, and the victim is a “pathological liar” so that if or when they do speak up they will not be believed.  This leads down a darker rabbit hole to acts of intentional self-harm, suicide attempts, or a successful suicide.

Depression or a victim of Gaslighting?

According to the Mayo Clinic the following is a list of symptoms of gaslighting…. I mean depression:
Although depression may occur only once during your life, people typically have multiple episodes. During these episodes, symptoms occur most of the day, nearly every day and may include:
  • Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness
  • Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters
  • Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports
  • Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much
  • Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort
  • Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased cravings for food and weight gain
  • Anxiety, agitation or restlessness
  • Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
  • Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame
  • Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
  • Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide
  • Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches
For many people with depression, symptoms usually are severe enough to cause noticeable problems in day-to-day activities, such as work, school, social activities or relationships with others. Some people may feel generally miserable or unhappy without really knowing why.

Each of the symptoms and emotions described above are also the symptoms of a victim of gaslighting so where is the line drawn between a normal reaction to bullshit and actual depression?  Society has become so fixated on treating the symptoms that the cause of illness is left untreated, festering, and metastasizing like a cancerous tumor.  The troubling aspect of this slow mental entombment is that the actual problem that created this self-destructive behavior is ignored and the narcissist gets away with murder by suicide.


February 16, 2018

Betrayal is The New Black

There is betrayal…. And then there is the type of betrayal only a narcissist can inflict

There is no doubt that violence, exploitation, and oppression can have inconceivable traumatic effects on a person. However, traumas that occur in the juxtaposition of interpersonal relationships can be meticulously cataclysmic because this is a form of betrayal that involves a violation of our basic expectations of personal and very intimate relationships. 

What is betrayal?

Betrayal is essentially a limitless thundering grief that touches our souls with dirty hands and there are very few words in the human language that can describe the agony of the experience.  The ways we can be betrayed by a narcissist are limitless and given enough time in your life they will probably end up accomplishing as many forms of betrayal as possible which is why it is important to go NO CONTACT with these individuals. 

One of the key aspects about betrayal in social relationships is that it usually can’t happen with a stranger.  Sure, we can be betrayed by the government or companies we trust but the betrayal that takes place in our interpersonal relationship is a special breed of agony.  We are betrayed by people we know well and love, people we care for the most.   You know…. We are betrayed by our families, our friends, and our significant others.  We are betrayed by people who we consider significant in our lives and then allow ourselves to be vulnerable around and they use that vulnerability to commit acts of emotional treason.  

The reason betrayal is so earth shattering is that is doesn’t happen in a single event.  Betrayal happens in a series of events.  Further, betrayal is persistent AND consistent in that once it starts it does not stop. These events encompass so many transgressions, lies, diversions, and detours that you don’t know where betrayal ends or where it begins.  These are the reasons that betrayal is so traumatizing.  If you didn’t know about these transgressions when they were happening then what else are you unaware of?  How many other people are doing the same thing or worse?  You begin to question absolutely everyone and everything in your life.  Brace yourself, you’re going to be cleaning out your relationship closet because there are people in your life other than the person who betrayed you who were aware of what was going on and possibly actively participated in some way.

There are stages to mentally and emotionally processing betrayal 

The more you value the relationship is going to be equivalent to the damage of that betrayal and the amount of agony you suffer because of that very spiritual violation.  We know betrayal by how it makes us feel which will most likely be a string of emotions over time and all of them are negative.  When we realize or learn the truth of the act that resulted in a breach of trust we are usually shocked, stunned, and in denial.  We try to rationalize the irrational and disassociate ourselves from this gruesome reality. We try to convince ourselves we misunderstood something, we didn’t see what we seen, and there must be a reasonable explanation.

Once the transgression of trust sinks in we start to become anxious, irritable, and angry.  In the initial phase of betrayal these feelings continue to teeter totter with denial as your mind begs you to just believe a lie before going any further down this rabbit hole of pain. Feelings of humiliation and agony commingle like a Zumba class open to the public.  Your insides are going haywire and you are sure everyone can see it because there is no masking the torturous reality that has just been thrust upon you.

The next phase of being betrayed seems to be layers of horrid emotions that you peel away like a fruit roll-up from its plastic sheet only your standing at a stack of them freshly delivered from the warehouse.  Each layer represents a new experience as you emotionally shuffle through feelings of inadequacy, condemnation, torment, rejection, persecution, alienation, isolation, worthlessness, victimized, used, exploited, destroyed, overwhelmed, exhausted, horrified, and then back around to disbelief like an emotional broken record.

Then the grief.  Until we have suffered a major trauma we do not realize that in this life it is possible to grieve a grief other than the one resulting from the death of a loved one.  Grief hits us like a brick wall during this stage of betrayal as we come to the realization that something important has been lost.  

We begin to grieve the loss of the living and all that loss encompasses.  We grieve the loss of what we thought was love.  We grieve the loss of reality and how we thought life would be.  We grieve for the future and we grieve for the past in a bottomless pit of despair and depression mixed with that toxic simmering anxiety.  There are no words for a loss like this one…. Until you are angry again.

What I have found with my own grief is that it really is like an emotional broken record.  The same emotions continue to spin in a circular motion until they have worn themselves out.  However, they never truly go away.  They just keep spinning in an endless loop and the only thing that changes are their intensity in any given moment.   Once the emotional blast of betrayal begins to simmer down then you know you have some real work to do because you have been traumatized.

Healing from trauma

-an injury (such as a wound) to living tissue caused by an extrinsic agent
-a disordered psychic or behavioral state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress or physical injury
-an emotional upset the personal trauma of an executive who is not living up to his own expectations
-an agent, force, or mechanism that causes trauma traumatic

Trauma is not something that a person just gets over or bounces back from.  Trauma literally changes you and I’m not just talking about the way you think or perceive the world around you.  After grief spins around a couple times you then start to become hypervigilant and paranoid.  These feelings have cousins and they regularly get together for a reunion with intrusive memories, dissociation, and numbness.  You don’t want to leave your house, answer your phone, or check your email.  It’s not safe anymore.  You are not safe.  The level of feeling paranoid, hypervigilance, and unsafe will be directly proportional to how long your betrayal lasted and how it was drug out. 

Narcissists will drag a betrayal out for years.  They can’t just leave you alone and let you heal.  Narcissists need to continue to pick at your wounds because they love the smell of your emotional bleeding.  So how will they drag this out for you? Well it starts when they infiltrate every aspect of your life to let you know they are going to stick around to make you miserable.  They start with your job and personal relationships.  

They want your boss to know you’re mentally unstable, a drug addict, or a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode!  They want to be best friends with your best friends so you can see how happy they are.  This could also be happening while you get unexpected visits from the police and child protective services (if applicable).  Like a said… the level of your perceived danger to safety will be directly proportional to the intensity of your betrayal so brace yourself for the long road ahead.

Trauma is the shock to the psyche that leads to dissociation: our ability to separate ourselves from parts of ourselves, to create a split within ourselves so that we can know and not know what we know, feel and yet not feel our feelings. It is our ability, as Freud put it in Studies on Hysteria, to hold parts of our experience not as a secret from others but as a “foreign body” within ourselves.
-Gilligan, 2002, p. 6

Trauma permanently changes you.  It changes the way you think, feel, perceive the world around you, and it also changes the structure of your brain.  You are CHANGED.  There is no going back to who you were or your happy former life.  Can you be happy again? Yes!  Will you be the same again? No.  The only thing you can do from this point forward in wake up in the morning and figure out how in the hell you’re going to make it into the next day. 

The reality is that when the bonds of our very close relationships are broken by betrayal the result is a condemnation of isolation which is not the same loneliness of simply feeling or being alone.  We become incapable of human connection or the possibility of making human connections.  

You know how you’re going to make it into the next day?  Getting out of bed, getting showered, putting on your clothes, brushing your teeth, and try to focus on taking care of yourself.  You NEED to take care of yourself.  You MUST take care of yourself and this needs to be done today, right now, in this moment.  Get out of the bed you’ve been laying in for the past four days with the same clothes on and take a shower, you stink.  This article will still be here when you get out of the shower and get back into bed.  Once you begin to take this step, you are on your first step down the long road of healing from trauma. 


 Narcissist Problems

Continue Reading below for excerpts from peer reviewed literature on how trauma affects the brain. 

Emotional and Psychological Trauma and your brain:

“human subjects with lesions of the prefrontal cortex show dysfunction of normal emotions and inability to relate in social situations that require correct interpretation of the emotional expressions of others” (p. 1788). This area of the brain is particularly susceptible to stress since it is not fully myelinated until the third decade of life (Teicher et al., 1997). According to Donnelly et al. (1999) exposure to stress is known to enhance dopamine turnover in areas of the brain including the prefrontal cortex (which has a disproportionate number of dopamine receptor sites), which can result in paranoia and hypervigilance. Altered dopaminergic functioning has been found in trauma victims and researchers speculate that common symptoms associated with PTSD may be a manifestation of dysregulation of dopamine function"

"The amygdala mediates fear response and is sensitive to inhibitory inputs from the medial prefrontal dopaminergic system. This section of the brain is very sensitive, even to mild stressors and long-term potentiation of the amygdala may be related to learning abnormalities and the retrieval, storage, and encoding of traumatic memories."

"State-dependent memories may result in trauma-induced neurotransmitters, amygdala activation, and the development of abnormal neural pathways. Traumatic events may result in a diverse range of symptomology including harmful alterations in behaviors, emotions, and neurobiology.
Many studies now show stress produces hippocampal dysfunction, atrophy (smaller volume as seen on QMRI), and deficits in declarative memory function (Bremner, 1998, Bremner et al., 1999; Nutt, 2000) due to the damaging effects of high levels of glucocorticoids on the hippocampus." 

Glucocorticoids disrupt cellular metabolism and increase hippocampal neuronal vulnerability to a variety of agents. The De Bellis et al. (1994) study found a 7% smaller cerebral volume in children suffering from PTSD (Glaser, 2000). Gurvitis et al. (1996) found an average 26% reduction in the left hippocampus and 22% reduction in the right hippocampus in Vietnam veterans with severe PTSD. Additionally, other studies (e.g. Ito et al., 1993, 1998; Teicher et al., 1993) found left frontal and temporal abnormalities on an EEG in addition to limbic system dysfunction in individuals with significant abuse histories.

According to Perry and Pollard (1998), As with central neurobiologic systems, stress, distress, and trauma alter HPA regulation (i.e., a new homeostasis has been induced by the stress). Abnormalities of the HPA axis have been noted in adults with PTSD. Chronic activation of the HPA system in response to stress has negative consequences. The homeostatic state associated with chronic HPA activation wears the body out. Hippocampal damage, impaired glucose utilization, and vulnerability to metabolic insults may result. Preliminary studies in a sample of abused children suggest similar hippocampal and limbic abnormalities. (pp. 41–42)"

"The long-term effects of chronic stress lead to excessive exposure to glucocorticoids. Studies involving rats have indicated neuronal loss in the hippocampal relates to hypersecretion of glucocorticoids. According to Sapolsky (1992), “a major pacemaker of hippocampal neuron loss appears to be the extent of glucocorticoid exposure over the lifetime; excessive glucocorticoids can be neurotoxic to the hippocampus” (p. 113). In as little as 3 weeks, high glucocorticoid exposure will cause degeneration in neural dendrites. Additionally, excessive glucocorticoids can be neurodegenerative and disrupt normal development."

"Recent studies have indicated that “there is growing evidence of hippocampal volume loss associated with chronic PTSD” (Bergherr et al., 1997, p. 39). Since this evidence suggests neuronal loss in the hippocampus is a consequence of acute stress and traumatization, it is imperative that clinicians identify children suffering from long-term traumatization’s as soon as possible. According to a study conducted by Teicher et al. (1993, 1996), increased limbic system dysfunction is associated with abuse occurring before the age of 18"

"The stress-response of the developing brain results in an increase in neurotransmitter and hormone activity, which affects neuronal migration, synaptic proliferation, differentiation, and total brain development. Immediate response to stress includes the release of dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, and acetylcholine in the brain. This, in turn, stimulates the hypothalamus, pituitary gland, and adrenal glands, which release cortisol. Increased cortisol levels have been linked to brain alterations including thymus gland shrinkage, cell death, and hippocampal atrophy. Other effects include a reduction in lymphocytes in the blood leading to a weaker immune system (Sapolsky, 1996) and neuronal death (Munck et al., 1984). While acknowledging the damaging effects of high cortisol levels, Yehuda (2000) cautions that cortisol also serves a vital role in terminating the body’s stress-response and is necessary to shutdown reactions that damage the brain. According to Yehuda (1997) “the major function of cortisol is to manage or contain the body’s biological stress-response by stimulating the termination of the neural defense reactions that have been activated by stress” (p. 58). Munck et al. (1984) also asserts that cortisol works in a reparative fashion and actually shuts down other stress-related changes before more damage is caused. Originally, researchers thought the release of cortisol was dependent on the level of stressor experienced. Yet, according to Yehuda (2000), because of an increased number of glucocorticoid receptors on the pituitary, the normal stress response cascade is disrupted. Although ACTH stimulates the adrenal to release cortisol, cortisol acts at the level of the pituitary to shut off ACTH release from the pituitary, and ultimately less cortisol is made and released from the adrenal glands. (p. 267)"

Acute Changes:

 “Recent reports suggest that trauma exposure can trigger rapid brain changes within days of the event [15–21]. From two days to one month after trauma, activation to trauma-related stimuli is greater in PFC and right IC, but less in amygdala and hippocampus of trauma survivors compared to non-trauma exposed controls [17–19]. Traumatic experiences acutely alter functional coupling between amygdala and IC or hippocampus during processing of trauma-related stimuli [17] and between frontal-limbic-striatal and default mode network regions during rest [16, 20]. Some early changes in functional connectivity may persist for two years following trauma [20]. Contributions of these acute post trauma changes to PTSD development have received little attention.  This is one of the few prospective studies to examine early and progressive brain changes that may underlie development of PTSD symptoms following a traumatic event. Our findings of cortical activation and volume differences in probable PTSD and non-PTSD survivors suggest potential cortical functional and structural mechanisms for development of PTSD symptoms. Further longitudinal studies on early brain changes may provide a basis for future interventions to prevent or reduce development of PTSD symptoms after trauma and for biomarker identification to evaluate clinical interventions.” (Wang,  Xie, Cotton, Duval, Tamburrino, Brickman, Elhai, Ho, McLean, Ferguson & Liberzon, I 2016).


(Li, Hou, Wei, Du, Zhang, Liu, & Qiu, 2017).

“we investigated the effects of trauma exposure on the structure and functional connectivity of the brains of trauma-exposed healthy individuals compared with healthy controls matched for age, sex, and education. We then used machine-learning algorithms with the brain structural features to distinguish between the two groups at an individual level. In the trauma-exposed healthy individuals, our results showed greater gray matter density in prefrontal-limbic brain systems, including the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, medial prefrontal cortex, amygdala and hippocampus, than in the controls. Further analysis showed stronger amygdala-hippocampus functional connectivity in the trauma-exposed healthy compared to the controls. Our findings revealed that survival of traumatic experiences, without developing PTSD, was associated with greater gray matter density in the prefrontal-limbic systems related to emotional regulation.”

trauma not only induces an anxious state and emotional arousal but can also impair memory through the amygdala’s interactions with other brain regions [27, 84, 85]. The hippocampus is widely implicated in memory encoding and maintenance, forming and storing memories associated with emotional events [86, 87] and autobiographical memory [88, 89].

Our study revealed that resilient trauma survivors showed greater gray matter density in the prefrontal-limbic systems that were implicated in emotional regulation. The emotional regulation ability plays a critical role in preventing the onset of PTSD in those trauma-exposed nonclinical adults. However, there are two possible explanations for the current findings. One possibility is that these structural differences might be a pre-existing factor and those participants did not develop PTSD due to these biological protective factors. Nevertheless, we cannot rule out the possibility that the structural differences are the brain “scar” after the traumatic event

Previous studies mainly focused on the short-term effect of trauma exposure or patients with PTSD, while our study investigated the long-term effects of trauma exposure in a nonclinical sample. Furthermore, our findings revealed the structural and functional differences in brain regions that are usually implicated in emotional regulation. In conclusion, our study revealed that survival of traumatic experiences, without developing PTSD, was associated with greater gray matter density in the prefrontal-limbic systems related to emotional regulation.” (Li, Hou, Wei, Du, Zhang, Liu, & Qiu, 2017).

(Cook, Ciorciari, Varker, & Devilly, 2009).

“An unbalanced catecholaminergic system can influence the brain’s metabolism, slowing or accelerating rates of pruning and myelination . Several studies have found abnormal catecholamine levels in those who have been witness to trauma . 

“If the brain undergoes a prolonged state of hyperarousal during the maturation of limbic system areas, it can develop inappropriate and maladaptive neural networks that may put traumatized children at increased risk of subsequent mental illness ” (Cook, Ciorciari, Varker, & Devilly, 2009).

“Several studies utilizing Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI) in maltreated children have identified structures that appear to be adversely affected by traumatic stress. De Bellis and colleagues have demonstrated in children with maltreatment related PTSD, significantly smaller volumes in the cerebral and prefrontal cortex, temporal lobes, corpus callosum and cerebellum. Specifically, in De Bellis’ 2006 study, cerebellar volumes were positively related to age of onset of trauma; the earlier the age of trauma, the smaller the cerebellar volume of the child. These findings strongly suggest that trauma is related to arrested neural development and growth of brain structures, which in turn could explain the high prevalence of mental illness and cognitive deficits reported in this group.”

“Left hemisphere coherence was found to be significantly greater in the abused group than the controls, and specific asymmetries were identified in areas over the central, temporal and parietal regions of the brain. It was suggested that these asymmetries were due to reduced left hemisphere cortical differentiation of signals, due to ample myelination of neurons and reduced complexity of synaptic specialization. “In conclusion, EEG coherence measures indicated significantly different patterns between those with childhood, adulthood or no past trauma. This adds to the growing body of evidence that trauma can have a lasting impact on neural connectivity – a result which future treatment studies may be able to exploit.” (Cook, Ciorciari, Varker, & Devilly, 2009).


Cook, F., Ciorciari, J., Varker, T., & Devilly, G. J. (2009). Changes in long term neural connectivity following psychological trauma. Clinical Neurophysiology, 120(2), 309-314. doi:10.1016/j.clinph.2008.11.021

Li, Y., Hou, X., Wei, D., Du, X., Zhang, Q., Liu, G., & Qiu, J. (2017). Long-Term Effects of Acute Stress on the Prefrontal-Limbic System in the Healthy Adult. Plos ONE, 12(1), 1-16. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0168315

Wang, X., Xie, H., Cotton, A. S., Duval, E. R., Tamburrino, M. B., Brickman, K. R., & ... Liberzon, I. (2016). Preliminary Study of Acute Changes in Emotion Processing in Trauma Survivors with PTSD Symptoms. Plos ONE, 11(7), 1-15. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0159065

Hippocampal volume deficits associated with exposure to psychological trauma and posttraumatic stress disorder in adults: a meta-analysis
Woon, Fu Lye; Sood, Shabnam; Hedges, Dawson W. Progress in Neuro-Psychopharmacology and Biological Psychiatry Vol. 34, Iss. 7, (1 October 2010): 1181-1188.

Pretrauma and Posttrauma Neurocognitive Functioning and PTSD Symptoms in a Community Sample of Young Adults
Parslow, Ruth A; Jorm, Anthony F. The American Journal of Psychiatry; Washington Vol. 164, Iss. 3, (Mar 2007): 509-15.

Weber, D. A., & Reynolds, C. R. (2004). Clinical perspectives on neurobiological effects of psychological trauma. Neuropsychology Review, 14(2), 115-129. doi:10.1023/B: NERV.0000028082.13778.14

January 27, 2018

How to decode the web of lies spun by pathological liars, Cluster B's, and other toxic manipulators

A Heaping Pile of Narcissistic Bullshit with a side of Factitious Disorder, please!

Anatomy of a web of lies and other indications that you are dealing with a narcissist, psychopath, or sociopath.

One of the hallmark behaviors of a toxic individual is pathological lying.  The second most noticeable behavior toxic people bring to relationships is an utter lack of respect for our boundaries.  This is often intensified in relationships between people with personality disorders and naturally empathetic people who will go out of their way to help another person who is struggling or in pain.  A natural ability for many narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths is obviously to manipulate those around them but some of them do this via feigned or self-induced illnesses. 

Cluster B personality disordered abusers often label their victims with physical or mental illnesses so they get away with their abuse.  Some of them actually take this a step further and make themselves sick if they feel threatened with abandonment to manipulate you back into the relationship frequently after you have tried to establish a boundary with them.  
I have the burning desire tonight to find out if so many victims of abuse, albeit not psychiatrists or psychologists, labeling their abusers as a narcissist when in fact they might have factitious disorder, Aka Munchausen Syndrome/ Munchausen Syndrome by proxy?  Or is factitious disorder actually the love child of a cluster B personality disorder and something else?  

Usually, the fact that this toxic individual either made themselves sick or someone else sick to manipulate those around them is the last thing a survivor ends up thinking about or talking about with others.  By the time we leave these relationships all the other horrible situations these walking nightmares manufactured for us somehow outranked the heinousness of the falsified illness.  Or the living hell of witnessing one of their self-induced reactions to a medication while making it look like they were actually suffering from a major health condition. 
We are too busy fighting false allegations, being ostracized for other manufactured problems, or dealing with a pending police investigation that’s been looming over our heads or some other cluster B manufactured catastrophe.  The list of shit we must deal with at this point makes a feigned illness pale in comparison.  Sure, we are disturbed to think about it, however, given enough time and open dialog this theme appears repeatedly in narcissistic abuse survivor groups. 

Cluster B, ya dig?

Before going any further I want to quickly throw in a brief over view of what a Cluster B personality disorder is.  More than likely if you landed on this article you are somewhat aware of this terminology or you will be very soon.  Many survivors of abuse find their way here while googling for answers to the crazy they just lived through and are currently trying to claw their way out of the depths of hell.  Below is a quick run down of what Cluster B personality disorder means.

With that said, I wouldn’t go out of your way to use this as evidence to illustrate to your abuser that they do have a personality disorder.  Giving them this information will result in two simultaneous reactions: 1. It will put a target on your back and 2. This knowledge will make them feel special in some distorted way as if they had won a trophy and try their best to outshine their cluster B “competition” to see who can exhibit the most severe cluster B behavior….. with you as their target.

DSM 5, Cluster B- Dramatic, Emotional & Erratic

There are lies…. And then there are Cluster B lies…

Let’s face it, this cluster of personality disorders tells so many lies that even their lies have lies.  The disturbing part is that they are well adept at keeping their lies in order.  Do yourself a favor and believe who they are the first time they show you and trust your gut.  If you have a feeling that someone is lying to you but you can’t put your finger on what they are lying about then they are probably lying about everything they have ever told you.

While in the past there has been little research into the association between Factitious Disorder (a whole new level of lying that can result in death) and personality disorders, like borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), forensic psychologists are working to close this gap.  To really dissect the anatomy of a cluster B lie we need to start by delving into how these falsehoods will be, or were, used to exploit you. 

According to scholars there are two basic kinds of lies which are aggressive and defensive.  The aggressive lie is one that is commonly associated with the wrath of a narcissist and is typically used to destroy lives.  These lies are exaggerations of the truth or completely deceptive and told out of revenge.  They show up in our lives in the form of false allegations that very well could land us in jail or worse. 

The defensive lie is used in a more manipulative way.  These are the lies that are told to get out of trouble to avoid facing the severe consequences of illegal behavior OR to gain your sympathy and support.  One of the biggest forms of these lies shows up when someone intentionally makes themselves sick in order to keep you around.  I mean really, what normal person can leave a relationship when someone is deathly ill?

If you have crossed paths with one of these toxic individuals you have undoubtedly experienced both aggressive and defensive lying on their part.  Narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths manipulate their victims through many avenues of deception which results in the use of a string of lies to keep reality at bay and you in your place.  In other words, these predators require people to exploit to fulfill their own needs and they get better at it as they age because they have already had practice on a string of victims before you. 

Cluster B’s intentionally create a series of lies that eventually build up to an entirely distorted reality for all involved and they know exactly what they are doing the entire time.  Always keep in mind, they are morally insane not legally insane.  Further on the topic, recent research suggests that “Pseudologia fantastica (PF) also referred to as “mythomania”, “deception syndrome”, “pathological lying” is defined as a disproportionate falsification that may be extensive, complicated, and presents over a period of years or even a lifetime.”[i]  

Many victims of psychological and emotional abuse find that they are not believed when they reach out for help since their abusers have been lying to them and about them for so long.  The reality of everyone around the abuser and the victim is distorted beyond comprehension.  Most of the time people are so uncomfortable when faced with the reality and gravity of the lie that they would prefer the lie to truth.  These people are usually called Flying Monkeys.  Read about soul murder here.

This level of manipulation is unfathomable and the moment you realize the extent of their lies you are in for a whole new treat in the Cluster B hellhole they’ve created in your life. The process of them realizing they have an opportunity to exploit you, ending in a web of lies you are forced to grasp, from start to finish is the equivalent to a shark smelling a drop of fresh blood 10 miles down the coastline. 

True to predatory nature they want more of you and they want it now.  You are a drug.  You are a meal ticket. The difference between sharks and human predators is that people will sometimes manipulate their prey by asking for help before giving the final death blow while sharks go for the kill straight away. 

Personality disordered individuals will weave a web of lies regarding their, or your, illness to gain sympathy, to break down boundaries which will leave you groomed and ready to accept the full extent of their rage and wrath.  The moment you realize that this person has been intentionally making themselves sick is hair raising.  A part of you will want to confront them but deep in your gut you know that if you alert them to the fact that you’re on to them it will be game over for you.  Do yourself a favor and keep your mouth shut while slowly backing away.

Soul Cannibals will pretend to be sick to manipulate you

After dealing with a narcissist, psychopath, borderline personality disordered individual you will gradually try to wrap your mind around the different ways they have manipulated you with their pathological lies.  You will most likely be very embarrassed to even speak about the events that led you to find and read this article which is why I am sitting here writing it tonight.  I too am trying to understand the epic mind fuck of my journey with a Cluster B.

Thankfully for us, criminologist have been promoting the need for and conducting extensive research into the area of the individuals who intentionally deceive others with self-induced illnesses.  These illnesses can be either physical or mental and sometimes both.  
It is no secret that many criminal deviants will pretend to be mentally incompetent to get a reduced sentence or just a better deal for themselves in general.   

An article published in the Journal of Behavioral Sciences & The Law states that, “if a defendant successfully feigns a psychiatric disorder and is not found to present a substantial risk by reason of mental illness or mental defect, the final result can be outright release and the avoidance of all criminal and civil commitment sanctions.”[ii]   The interesting thing about this research is that it is highlighting the lifelong patterns of those with cluster B personality disorders and their use of deception while feigning illnesses and their reasoning for doing so. 

This knowledge leaves me with this sick feeling in my gut that knows a lot of innocent lives could have been saved had a connection between self-induced illness to manipulate others and criminal behavior had been made centuries ago.  Experts working within the legal system are now calling for those within the field of psychiatry to research and investigate this phenomena in depth to assist police officers and the courts with criminal prosecutions and to weed out false allegations of crimes.

Accused of false allegations? Ask a Lawyer
This sentiment was clearly articulated by researchers in the Journal of Forensic Psychiatry & Psychology while highlighting the need for a distinction between intentional and unintentional lies that lead to illness and crimes in order to mitigate problems currently trending within the court and legal systems. 

The current diagnostic system captures intentional deception around physical or psychological problems but does not allow for diagnosis around prominent, purposeless deception within other realms (e.g., false accusations). In addition to reviewing the literature, we also report the case of a 22-year-old female who made frequent, dramatic false accusations against others for no apparent reason, and who possessed an unusual ability to convince others to collaborate in her lying. Her lies eventually resulted in a number of people being criminally charged, including a friend being imprisoned for over a year for staging an elaborate abduction, the burning of an apartment building, and the investigation of a small child for arson. Implications and suggestions for future research are discussed. [iii]
Researchers in the field are now finding that many of the criminals that are eventually diagnosed with cluster B personality disorders have regularly manipulated others via illness throughout their lives.  We also know that many individuals with cluster B personality disorders go undiagnosed and un-incarcerated.

Malingering & Factitious Disorder

This brings me back to my original questions on the subject of if our abusers are undiagnosed as a cluster B personality disorder and make themselves sick for a personal gain like money which is found with malingering or if they are undiagnosed as having Munchhausen syndrome or Munchhausen syndrome by proxy?

With Malingering the individual is fully aware of what they are doing to themselves.  Their illness is manufactured with a specific purpose in mind.  “Malingering is defined in DSM-5 as “the intentional production of false or grossly exaggerated physical or psychological symptoms motivated by external incentives such as avoiding military duty, avoiding work, obtaining financial compensation, evading criminal prosecution or obtaining drugs’’.[iv] Malingering is a behavior exhibited by most of the narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths in our lives.  These manufactured illnesses sometimes go on for years as seen with those feigning psychiatric illnesses to manipulate those around them for things like a tiny disability check every month. 

While malingering is the behavior of a disturbed individual it pales in comparison to Factitious disorder.  Those with suspected factitious disorder go above and beyond in the realm of intentional self-harm.  These individuals are aware of what they are doing but go further than simply simulating a disease or illness.  They intentionally make themselves ill and intentionally inflict harm on themselves but usually for sympathy or control in a relationship. 

They consciously interfere with their own healing process and will even ingest medications known to produce severe adverse effects.  In fact, they have probably practiced the exact dosage of a medication they will need to ingest to make themselves ill quickly.  They become experts at the necessary dosage to take to give themselves convulsions, seizures or to suddenly appear to have a combination of other mystery ailments that come out of nowhere and they need your help with because they are too sick to do it alone.   This will usually happen after an argument and especially after you try to establish boundaries.

In my quest for knowledge I stumbled upon the following article which has been very helpful in finding some sort of closure from my own volatile experience.  This article examined the relationship between borderline personality disorder and a co-morbidity with factitious disorder and I’ll be the first to say this publication was long overdue and much appreciated.

There are few data on the relationship between factitious disorder and BPD. However, there are several case reports in the literature that affirm an association between BPD and the factitious symptoms of hemiplegia, blindness, and rape. Factitious disorder by proxy has also been associated with BPD. In addition to case reports, Goldstein reported that 11/19 (58%) patients with factitious disorder met the criteria for BPD; based upon these findings, he suggested a new classification of factitious disorder that would account for the presence of BPD. Rothenhausler and Kapfhammer stated that the majority of patients with factitious disorder suffer from Cluster B personality disorders, particularly BPD. Bouden and colleagues indicated that in factitious disorder by proxy, the perpetrator of the surreptitious symptoms is most likely suffering from BPD.  Finally, the association between factitious disorder and BPD has been previously suggested and discussed by Sansone and Sansone. The elemental psychological association between these two DSM disorders seems to be that the self-destructive behavior observed in BPD may be actualized through a self-harming pattern of contrived or simulated symptoms—which may be experienced by the patient through surreptitious medications, procedures, and/or surgeries.[v]

And you, the one sitting there reading these words most likely know firsthand the significance of these statements in your life because I sure do.  There are some situations that happen to us that we might never heal from or find closure from but the above paragraph sure did bring me a little closer and It’s my hope that it will help you too. My suspicions are officially confirmed and it makes so much sense.  There is no end to the lies they will tell to the point of intentional self-harm.

Boundaries, what are they good for?

Normal people don’t stop to ask themselves if a person is possibly lying about their poor health or other situations that cause them to struggle. While making this point it is also important to recognize when an individual actually is suffering from a chronic illness and really does need help.  You will know the difference by their actions and just know that the truth has no choice but to come out either way. It is a normal human reaction to want to assist someone with their dilemma’s or poor health.  It usually isn’t until we are knee deep in a web of lies that we realize we have been duped by the soul cannibal in our life.   

The number one reason you need to establish boundaries is right here.

Many times, we get so focused on solving the problems they’ve thrown in our laps that we don’t even realize that this toxic person began crossing little boundaries in their sick attempts to manipulate us which resulted in them crossing major boundaries down the line.  If this has happened to you don’t feel bad.  

Just know that you are normal and capable of putting yourself in the shoes of those around you.  You are emotionally and neurologically capable of being a loving and kind person.  You have the ability within you to believe in the good of people.  Most of all, you are most likely not someone that other people will need therapy for after knowing you.  

Ten steps to no contact here.

We can never plan on being deceived but we also can’t go through our lives as if each person we meet is a crime scene after an experience like this.  As far as boundaries go, remember to establish them, remember to enforce them, and remember to trust your gut.  The last point to remember is that if someone repeatedly fails to respect the boundaries you have established it is not your job to keep reminding them.  



Birch, C. D., Kelln, B. C., & Aquino, E. B. (2006). A review and case report of pseudologia fantastica. Journal of Forensic Psychiatry & Psychology, 17(2), 299-320. doi:10.1080/14789940500485128

Chandra, N., Bagra, I., & Pattanayak, R. (2017). INTENTIONAL PRODUCTION OF SYMPTOMS: A NARRATIVE REVIEW. ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry, 18(1), 95-104.

Gordon, D. K., & Sansone, R. A. (2013). A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN FACTITIOUS DISORDER AND BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER. Innovations in Clinical Neuroscience, 10(11/12), 11-13.

Korenis, P., Gonzalez, L., Kadriu, B., Tyagi, A., & Udolisa, A. (2015). Pseudologia fantastica: Forensic and clinical treatment implications. Comprehensive Psychiatry, 5617-20. doi: 10.1016/j.comppsych.2014.09.009

Kucharski, L. T., Duncan, S., Egan, S. S., & Falkenbach, D. M. (2006). Psychopathy and malingering of psychiatric disorder in criminal defendants. Behavioral Sciences & The Law, 24(5), 633-644.

Westbrook, L. F., & Jackson, M. H. (2009). Borderline Personality Disorder: New Research. New York: Nova Science Publishers, Inc.

[i] Pseudologia fantastica: Forensic and clinical treatment implications. P. 18
[ii] A review and case report of pseudologia fantastica. 
[iii] A review and case report of pseudologia fantastica.