Sunday, November 20, 2016

Dear Narcissist Problems, "The Black Sheep"



Dear Narcissist Problems,

     The steps I have read to move on from how my mother raised me have been helpful until I get to the point where I have to sit down and allow myself to feel all the hurt she caused. Even though I can admit it verbally, I am having trouble letting these feelings flow. How can I get past this?

Sincerely,

“The Black Sheep”


Dear “Black Sheep”,


           I feel your pain. When you figure out how to let the feelings flow from your experience of being raised by a narcissistic mother please let me know! I have not seen or spoken with my own narcissistic mother in 4 years. I was literally just thinking about how she always ruined holiday’s right before I opened this. One of the last holidays I had spent with her was just too much. It’s like we try our best to be good enough and it will just never happen. Growing up we had always spent Thanksgiving at my Grandmothers. I was very close to my Grandma.  We had a relationship that I question now but I’ll leave
that whole debate for another day.

          The last Thanksgiving before going no contact with my entire family was spent alone cooking dinner for 16 people and nobody ever showed up. Nobody. Earlier that morning I was told that my Grandmother was too sick to see people and that was understandable because she was dying of cancer. I was told it was too risky with everyone carrying germs and viruses. My Mother and Sister told me they were planning on having the whole family over at my mom’s house instead.

     They made a menu and we started getting all the ingredients ready. Let me add that my mother and sister were always VERY disorganized so I already knew that if I didn’t do Thanksgiving dinner then it wouldn’t get done. On with the nightmare, about 15 minutes into this preparation mom and sister decide they are going to stop by my grandmothers because “It’s Thanksgiving”. I felt a little put off because I too wanted to see my grandmother and when I asked if I could come along I was told “we are only going for a quick visit we don’t want to overwhelm her with too many people”.

           I stayed there and cooked. I called my grandmothers after 3 hours to see if they were still there and not only did my mother answer I heard the whole family in the background. I said that I was going to pack everything up and bring it over. Narcissistic mother cut me off, “oh no, we are all on our way to the house just stay there”. Long story short, at eight o’clock p.m. I was still sitting in that house alone with a table full of Thanksgiving Dinner for 16 people. I won’t even go into what happened that Christmas and trust me I’m not trying to one up you here.

I can’t answer your question because I don’t know the answer. I really wish that I did. I’m sure you can relate but it’s almost like becoming numb to the pain. I think it’s like a real physical wound. You can cover it with gauze and treat the wound but you don’t want to over expose it. I’m just going to be honest here, I’m F&#ked up. I try to be normal and I finally accepted that I am probably beyond normalcy at this point. I can’t relate to people. I try to relate to people but I usually end up getting used.

Our concept of love or friendship is bent. If you are like me you probably struggle with people in general too. It’s like a sin to be open and honest. After growing up with a narcissistic mother all I want is to share my life with people in an open and honest way. Not to mention the paranoia and trust issues. As for feelings about my mother I usually cut them off at the pass. Somewhere early in childhood we learn that if we expect anything from our mothers then we will get hurt so we shut them off. We realize she will never be proud of us. She will never be like the other mothers and we save ourselves the embarrassment of being publicly rejected by our mothers.

I can remember going through a period of doing all of these things just so she would show up. I joined clubs, sports, and I worked from the age of 14. In that time I hoped that she would come see a game or just be there. It was like a slow death realizing I was the only one there without ANY family. It was so humiliating in a way that I can’t even put my finger on. The ultimate form of rejection. This childhood bothers me less and less over the years. For the most part, when I think of her I try to refocus my attention on something else.

I know that these little things might seem to someone who came from a normal family as possibly not a big deal but you too grew up with a narcissistic mother so I don’t need to explain all the details of dealing with a mom like ours. I really do not have an answer but I do know that it is impossible to get through ANY feelings while remaining in contact. I know I’m going to hear about this from a grandmother “but I’m sure your mother was working real hard so she couldn’t come support you” or “I’m sure you took the last Thanksgiving too hard”. No, my mother never worked.

She didn’t come see me because she couldn’t smoke at school events. As for the last Thanksgiving, I’m positive the entire debacle was planned and I was excluded on purpose. I only wish these were the worst things that happened growing up. There is a level of intrusion and rejection that I think will always haunt us. Sometimes things are so traumatic that I think it’s impossible for the human mind to process. The only thing I do suggest is building your own life and when you find people who truly love and respect you then hold on to those people for dear life because there won’t be many. For me I just broke down and rebuilt my life without her. The pain she caused became too much to justify.

           Further, if you have your own children it really helps to put things into perspective. We want the best for our children. When we consider the things our mothers could do to our children that are harmful then we finally can grasp that those things were never ok for us either. We want to protect our children from harm but we expose ourselves to harm by going back for more every single time. Wow, I know this is long and I’m sorry but I only have two words, “Narcissistic Mothers”. If you want to process what you have been through and what you’ve witnessed just start to write about it! Good luck to you and please if you find an answer you know how to get a hold of me!

Regards,


Narcissist Problems


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