Hoovering and the narcissistic relationship cycle of Idealize, devalue, and discard

If you think the Narcissist regrets breaking up and wants to make amends, think again!

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Hello!! I thought maybe you could help me understand what’s going on here.... My ex - who I believe is a narc - or sociopath - or something, broke up with me a bit over a year ago - over text. He had been getting messages on his phone from other girls, and I found out had cheated on me with one, who he is now in a relationship with. He's apparently moving to be with her (5 hours away).

I'll try keep this short - but when I was with him, he made me cook dinner every night - and would complain if it was late. I cleaned, did the washing for him etc. - and wasn't even living with him. He said that every time he came to my house it was like he had to work (?!) because I'd ask for help. He would grab my belly and ask if I’d been to the gym, said I could have a thigh gap, my hips wouldn't hurt so much if I lost weight off my hips (I'm a chef and stand all day). He dragged me down the street one day because I wasn't walking fast enough. etc. etc. etc.

His work overlooked my gym, and after we split, I started training for a half marathon. He would watch me and text me while I was at the gym (Still seeing this other woman). I ended up seeing the police about it. This weekend, I had to do a catering function for the surf club he is a member of (I am associated with the club). He wasn't attending the function, until the very last minute he bought a ticket. I can only assume it was to see me.

The whole night, he was watching me, but ignored me. He would hover by the kitchen. Saw me coming and tried to step in front of me. One time he walked past he stopped in his tracks, so I said hello. I've lost 17kg since leaving him. I dressed nicely as I'm promoting my business. He was asking my friend how I was etc. And then started texting my friend to tell her to tell me to reply to the texts he started to send me, because he wanted to chat. He's supposed to be madly in love with this new woman (The mistress - who doesn't know about me) but they spent the night apart, and he was chasing me again? He blocked the door so I couldn't leave - but wouldn't actually talk to me. Hiding behind his texts....WTF?!

He left me at a time I was under a lot of stress taking former business partners to the lawyers. I fought it by myself. He didn't support me and I was at rock bottom. I've started my own business and have built it up to the point I'm self-sufficient. Do you think he's realized he's lucked out?

Sincerely,

“I’m a Boss”

Dear “Boss”,

 What childish games narcissists play to get attention? This seems to be a pretty cut and dry example of a narcissist hoovering. Do I think he realized that he lucked out or regrets his decisions? Nope, not at all. What I do think he realizes is that you now have more to lose and getting you back will be a nice challenge for him which will give him all the more pleasure if he does get you back and then break you down again.

This is a pattern of narcissistic abuse which is to idealize, devalue, and then discard. It seems that he is simply utilizing what he probably considers cute little hoovering tactics to reel you back into the abuse. It’s like a cat playing with a mouse. Normal people understand that when a relationship ends that means it’s over for good. However, this is not how it works for a narcissist. Narcissists like to draw things out.

Hoovering and the narcissistic relationship cycle of

 Idealize, devalue, and discard

Idealize Phase

When we first meet a narcissist they really do a great job of making us feel as though they are the answer to all our prayers. They are the perfect match for us. We are like two peas in a pod with them and they make us feel like we are on cloud nine. This isn’t fate, a random coincidence that they are so much like us, or an accident. This is very calculated and deliberate on their parts.

If you notice or recall meeting this person they were initially absorbed with you. They wanted to know it all. They wanted to know every little detail about everything that has happened to you since birth. They want to know who your parents are and what your relationship is like with them. They want to know about your siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. They want to know who your favorite people are and who you dislike and why.

They want to know about your circle of friends and your relationships with them. They even want to meet and impress them! I mean, how great is that! Someone who is not only perfect for you but they also have an interest in your friends and family. What’s even better??? EVERYONE LOVES THEM!!! If there is someone who doesn’t love them then that person is usually the first one the narcissist targets to manipulate out of your life.

They also want to know about your job and your co-workers. They are especially interested in if you have any problems with anyone. At first they take on a stance of mutual dislike but later they will gather all the people that you don’t get along with so they can all abuse you. After they gather up your “enemies” they then target your friends and family to see who they can get on their side because in their mind it is now them against you. They also use people as their flying monkeys to help them hoover such as your friend he was sending text messages to as a go-between.

Devalue Phase

The honeymoon quickly wears off and you start to notice that the narcissist is now doing little things to take digs at you. They once loved to hear your laugh and now that same laugh is a witch’s cackle. They used to love your body but now you really could lose a few pounds. Here is the thing.

While they were idealizing you when they complimented any part of your body you most likely replied with what you hate about it such as your thighs, your underarms, or abs. I’m going to assume that you had made a comment about hating your inner thighs at some point and that is why the focal point of your “need” to lose weight was that you “Could” have a thigh gap if only you tried to take care of yourself…

The devalue phase is especially wounding because the things the narcissist chooses to devalue are the things you just got used to hearing that they loved. Before you could do no wrong and now you can do no right. Further, the narcissist is also testing your tolerance of their abuse at this stage. They want to know how far they can take things before you snap and fight back. Once you do react to the abuse then that becomes the marker they need to whittle away at. So they keep pushing that marker further and further back until it doesn’t exist anymore and you are willing to tolerate pretty much anything they can throw at you.

This doesn’t happen overnight so when you recognize it then get out of the relationship ASAP. It can sometimes take years for a narcissist to destroy that marker. That marker of tolerance is where your boundaries are. That marker is where you put your foot down, where you say “no more”, the place they can’t get into. That marker is where the narcissist ends and you begin and they know it. They want to destroy that marker of tolerance because they want to own every last piece of your mind and soul so they can destroy you from the inside out. You can’t destroy a person with good healthy boundaries that they refuse to budge on unless you slowly whittle them away.

During this phase they are recruiting others to help them achieve their ultimate goal of your destruction. The more you care for someone the more hell bent they become on getting that person on their side. They want to stick the knife in and twist. In your situation, I would be very weary of what you tell the “friend” he was sending text messages to while at your event. Our friends usually don’t make it a habit of staying in contact with our Ex’s who dump us over text message.

Discard Phase

After the narcissist has destroyed you by eroding your self-esteem, confidence, and boundaries they simply throw you away like garbage.  Nobody lucks out with a narcissist but in this case I think you lucked out to be discarded in such a cowardly way. This narcissist truly is a coward and it’s no surprise he would only communicate through text message at the event because it seems that’s the only way he knows how to communicate at all.

During the discard phase they want you to know they have found your replacement. They have new supply and want to throw in your face. They found their ultimate soulmate, they were wrong about you, and they want you to know about it. They want you to beg them to come back and they want to see you being a hot mess. They want to be able to show the new supply how crazy obsessed you are with them because they are such a great catch!

Just keep in mind that this new girlfriend is no different than you were and has no idea what kind of train wreck she is about to witness. I’m not saying you have to go around feeling sorry for people but before feeling any pangs of jealousy remember that there is nothing to be jealous about being abused.

By ignoring his attempt to hoover and reel you back in he is likely to become angry and bad mouth you to everyone. This is his attempt to make himself feel better about your pure and utter rejection of his futile attempts at dominance over you. You should be patting yourself on the back really for doing such an epic job of blocking his asinine attempts to further abuse you! Way to go!

When the Narcissist hoovers and why

A narcissist will hoover in order to maintain a connection with their victims. They will never truly leave you alone. They will try to keep an attachment to their victims under any circumstance even if that attachment is pure hate and rage.

This is a video from a very sweet set of down to earth ladies where they explain the situations that happen when we leave a narcissist, their stalking, and gaining control over your life after narcissistic abuse. Tracy has a new Youtube Channel so check out her videos and subscribe to her channel because she has new videos all the time. Tracy and Lieselle, from my understanding, actually met while they were dating the same narcissist. The relationship they developed after that is pretty amazing and they made this video below to share their story with others.

Tracy Malone & Lieselle "Narcissists Stalk And Police Do Not Care-HELP"

Think about all the time spent wishing that your narcissist would contact you after they discard you. You want little morsel of hope they could throw at you. They usually give you just enough time to where if they let you go any further then their attempts to hoover you back into a connection will be rejected.
 They will send an email, send a text message, or show up at events just to let you know they are there and they are still thinking about you. Don’t confuse their thinking about you with them caring about you. This is just a game to them. They want to see how much crap they could throw at someone and still be taken back.
 If you ask them to stop contacting you and they don't then please go no contact and document their behavior (here is an article about going no contact). If you need to get a protection order you could file for one at your local courthouse but make sure that you have enough tangible evidence and/or witnesses to support your case. 

This can be very confusing especially if you are not aware of what is going on. A person with a normal mind thinks that maybe the narcissist has seen the light. Perhaps the narcissist realizes that they made a mistake and are trying to make amends but they simply don’t know how. We start to have compassion for their situation and take pity on them.

Make no mistake about it this is as calculated as their idealization of you in the beginning of the relationship. They have not seen any light except maybe the light radiating from your smile because you are healing and they need to suck that light right out of you again to fill themselves up. Your shining light of life is like spotting a gas station on a long stretch of road when your car is about to run out of gas and nothing more. They need a fill up and you got what they need.

Narcissists are emotional vampires who like to suck their victim’s dry of any soul or life they have within them. Essentially, they drain you but keep you alive just enough to recover so they can later come back for more. They need to drain you in a way that feeds their soul and gives them life force. It sounds really ridiculous as if we were talking about some sci-fi movie but this is no joke. Narcissists are energy vampires in the purest form.

Narcissists hoover their victims to keep them in line. They like to keep their victims at an arm’s length just in case they should need supply from you again. After seeing you with your life together and thriving it is prime time to get a little of what you have to offer. It really has nothing to do with regret or lucking out for them. Another reason for the hoover is that his new relationship might not be going that well and he knows it.  

Whatever the case maybe for the hoovering there is only one reason for doing it and that is to gain control over you again. Narcissists don’t see their victims as people they see them as objects that they can manipulate, abuse, put on a shelf, and then bring out to play whenever they feel like it. Here is the thing, you are a real person and not an object and you don’t deserve any of this. If I were you I would immediately change my phone number, let my friends know I don’t want to hear about him again, and then block him from all social media and email accounts. Good Luck to you!

Regards,