Dear
Narcissist Problems,
I’ve just
become a fan of this page. I never thought there would be such a discussion
such a powerhouse! I am dealing with the ongoing abuse of an ex-husband with
many of the traits talked about here with an 11 year on going divorce. It is a
refreshing page you have and I have gotten lost in everyone’s comments. Thank
you for your posts it is helping knowing I am not alone and can check in here
for reassurance. I would like to comment so perhaps I can help someone else and
in the meantime help myself. If you have suggestions I would like to hear them. It’s a touchy nerve still to this day. I want
to know how I openly communicate with my sons who are now 23 and 25 who still
live with him and my oldest son works with him in the family business who both
have been brainwashed. Next month will be a finalization if all goes well...but
not holding my breath! Should I wait till it’s over and said and done? My
oldest has dis owned me in a nasty letter to me...I can feel his pain and it
kills me knowing he hates my being and wants nothing to do with me ever. We
were so close the 3 of us now it’s just a memory of how it felt to hold them
and tell them every day how much I love them....I became disabled while still
married and I couldn’t look after them I herniated my l4, l5, s1 in 2003 and
again in 2010. If it weren’t for my older brother I just met 11 years ago
putting a roof over my head and food in my stomach I would of been living on
the streets. I, through all my crap, managed to hold my head high and meet the
love of my life partner in 2010. My sons have met her we have had a couple of
really nice get together but they just snapped one day as if to hurt me for not
being able to help them. I understand what I think but don’t know why they can’t
stand up for themselves or me and get out of his life...the more questions I
ask myself the deeper I fall into a web that he placed around me all this time.
We were married for 16 years and dated and lived together for two years. I
absolutely despise his being and become bitter just thinking about him. I cry every
day to myself just thinking about my sons I’ve always wanted since I was 10 yrs.
old...it just seems he gets what he wants and even though we bought the
business together and I worked in it beside him from 1996 to 2004 there he has
had all my money, but claims to have nothing. He has stopped spousal support of
$200.00 a month and owes me over 4,000 there plus other monies from here and
there how do I retrieve what is mine? My lawyer is amazing a humanitarian who
is working with me not for his pocket. I am blessed to have found his kind
heart and soul. I have had 3 lawyers who just did well not a damn thing! I hope
you have some answers for me or just something to keep me going...I love this
site, it is helping me cope daily with my feelings that real and genuine and
believe there is a way to deal with this personality without jail time, but
what!? Please let me know when you post something for me to see I don’t like to
post here because my Facebook friends can see and I haven’t told everyone what I
have been thru or what I am going thru... thank you for your care and concerns
if there is anyone you know that is in relationship like mine you may see if they
would like to corresponded with me. I am confidential and a real good listener
who also has a great outlook and in need of someone to chat with.
Sincerely,
“War of The
Rose’s”
Dear “War of
The Rose’s”,
Thank you for
the compliment and we are glad you found your way here!! An ELEVEN YEAR ongoing DIVORCE?!?!? I suggest watching the movie “War of The
Roses” because that is my first thought.
I’m surprised the both of you have made it this far without committing
murder. I’d like to know more about how
this divorce has lasted 11 years. Please
head this message: Get. Out. Now. Before it is too late! At this point you should be an expert on
divorce and would probably give better advice than I ever could. Please write your book because I am sure
there are many people out there who have some questions for you. I.E. How did
you keep your sanity? Are you still Sane? How have you not been locked up for
murder yet? You know, the normal things
people want to know about when they hear of an ongoing 11 year divorce. Have you sought therapy for what you are going
through? It would help if there were a
little more detail as to what happened between you and your husband, how he
ended up with your children, and what your children told you as far as the
reason to why they have disowned you. I
know when you are living in what seems to be an eternal vacuum it seems
impossible to focus on the small stuff but in this case it might help. How did this situation spiral out of
control? I think the first step is going
no contact with the soon to be ex -husband.
Step two, seek a qualified therapist, find support groups, and find
yourself. If you want to get through
this you are going to need to find out what made you stay in this situation for
11 years. None of us want to feel taken
advantage of when leaving a relationship but at some point it becomes necessary
to cut your losses and your ties with the toxic other. Stop to really analyze what has made you stay
in this nightmare. Figure out what has happened that makes you feel the need to
stay connected to so much chaos. You
have been living in an 11 year hurricane and at some point you need to draw a
line in the sand and say to yourself; this is what I will accept in my life and
over there is what I will not tolerate.
Remove yourself from the thought process of getting any money, even if
it is yours, because this alone could be keeping you in this situation. I don’t know what happened in your marriage
to make it fall apart but it sounds like you may be suffering from post-
traumatic stress either from your marriage or from your childhood. Sometimes we have been through something
negative for so long that we begin to feel normal in the negative
situation. If we try to make our lives
better it feels unnatural. As far as
your son’s are concerned, I am sorry to say, they are now adults. They are creating their own boundaries and
drawing their own lines in the sand.
Regardless of the reasons they have negative feelings about you the fact
is that they do and that should be acknowledged. You will get nowhere really fast without
acknowledging their hurt and pain. This
acknowledgment needs to be heartfelt with a real willingness to not only say
you love them but to show them. Further,
if they want nothing to do with you, this needs to be respected. If you try to force yourself into their lives
this will be seen as a major violation to them and may add to the list of
reasons they don’t want you in their life.
The work needs to begin at home, with you. When you begin to heal and understand what
has happened to you and why, when you realize the role you are playing in this
horror show, and when you accept your faults and others faults then maybe you
will be able to move forward. It will
take A LOT of work and A LOT of help but you can do this. Please keep learning about abuse and keep
working on yourself. Someday, your sons
will see the truth or they will see you change and see you are trying. Words are meaningless to children young and
old especially after you have been hurt.
Only actions will change the situation.
Good Luck to you on your journey.
Regards,
