Dear Narcissist Problems, "Too Close for comfort"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

     Okay so here I go cause I don’t have anywhere else to turn to about it...I am hoping that you post this answer to me in the group or here ...I know she is not around the computer.... I met my now fiancée 5 years ago she is real sweet to everybody she wants to be too she is a pub manager , liquor store manager and I am aware that her family , older brother, mom and dad and she are narcissists. She being the youngest. I have witnessed that her and her brother are a wee bit closer to each other ...leaving me in the living room while the brother has to talk to her in the bedroom behind closed door or in the kitchen he is whispering in her ear as she giggles all the while I am seated with the parents. The list goes on ...they even as a family went to Vegas and they shared a room. She and her brother. I was really upset and I confided in the ex sis in law and I figure she said something to him...I also included that I have a right to know so I can make up my mind about things and that they better figure things out b/c I am ready to leave her. All of a sudden he is madly in love with this woman, and is already got her thinking that he is gay. They broke up but got back together...whenever he was not dating he would be showing up at her work and telling their mom that he misses his sis...when her mom said that , I say he should find himself a girlfriend! I think that they are aware (parents) but because the mom worships her son they carry on as if nothing is wrong. Tonight is the mom’s b-day. He has never invited us out, only we met him at the narcs house so they could go talk. We had dinner out with his new fbuddy once and tonight will be number two. I am feeling ill over it and I just because he has a girlfriend doesn’t make it okay for me to have to pretend like nothing ever happened. I know he emails her, she denies it, he texts her, never once during my back surgery has he ever called me to see if I needed anything ever. I don’t even want to go tonight! Thanks for being here for me and I look forward to your comment.

Sincerely,

“Too Close for Comfort”

Dear “Too Close for Comfort”,

     If you are confused then there might be a narcissist involved somewhere. I guess my first question is: Are we talking about her biological brother or is he a “friend” of the family, or possibly adopted??? The whole situation is off! I mean, obviously I came from a dysfunctional family so I have no idea what a normal happy family should look or act like but sharing a room in Vegas?? Where you on the trip as well? I know, I know I have more questions than answer but I’d like to focus in on one of your first statements: “I am aware that her family, older brother, mom and dad and she are narcissists.”(2015). Let me just document that as being said, I’ll leave out your name but you get the point. You are aware that this entire family are most likely a nest of narcissists. For the love of God just run for the hills!!!! Being aware of some of your other past relationships I do believe you know in your heart what needs to be done. You need to protect yourself! I don’t know if this is normal or just plain incestuous but if it were me in your shoes I would be out of there! I have a brother and I have never missed the guy that much nor he me. Maybe at the age of 5 or 7 we might have spent time together like that but as we age we begin to become our own people with our own lives. I’m starting to wonder if there is some kind of trauma bond going on there. What is clear from what you have written is that the two of them might use their sexuality as a form of manipulation. You know my advice is only going to be to get out of this relationship! I didn’t mean to sit on this response for so long but here is the point, it’s been a few months and you still feel the same way. I really want to see you focus on yourself. I want to see you doing things that are going to make you happy. I want to hear that you are meeting people who are not drawing on your insecurities and exacerbating a negative situation. When we are in a normal and caring relationship and we tell our significant other “Hey, this really bothers me”. The normally try to understand why and don’t do things like share bedrooms and hide and whisper leaving you in the room with their strange parents. I mean I don’t know much about normal families but that seems a little abnormal. I’m gonna leave it at that and let the readers decide what the heck is going on here. As always comments and advice are always welcome. The sooner the better! Anyone else ever deal with something like this? Let’s hear it!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Oy Vey!"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

     Just wanted to thank you for creating this wonderful resource! For the past 10 months my biological family has ex-communicated me, my husband and our 3 special needs kids. Most of the posts you post relate to my story. Lately, my Mother has been sending round the message that she wants to reconnect "just the 2 of us" now that she has firmly secured the opinions of my family and extended family.     This week, after hearing that I had been in a near-fatal car accident, she decided to call me. I cannot begin to tell you how much your page has empowered me and clarified the Narcissistic behavior pattern. I had the ability to distance and "check through the checklist." Classic tactics et. all.
Still very hard to deal with the fact that this IS my family - but clarity goes a long way...
Thank you!

A week after the phone call, my mother wrote me, I responded, and then my father monkey danced at me and I debated if/how to respond. Considering full 'no contact' but a little anxious.

Below is the exchange:

Dear A****a,

     I’ve been thinking about our conversation a lot. I am so sorry for the pain that I have caused you. I’m sure we both never meant to hurt each other or anyone else. The question is what happens now. A*a and I are not in favor of the group mediation idea. But I am happy to work with you with the aid of a therapist of your choice. I think we can attack the main issues that are bothering you from my understanding of the phone conversation. I would also be happy to visit the kids at your in-laws, for example, so that you are comfortable with the arrangement. I truly love and care about you and will try to do the best that I can in the interest of shalom. You can call any time to arrange a visit or pick up money if and when you are ready to do so. I wish only health and happiness for you and your family. Much love always.

Dear I******a,

     I accept your apology for the past, though I find it somewhat frightening that someone with your life experience would not realize that ostracizing one's own flesh and blood through fallacies would be hurtful. Am I to understand that A*a is not interested in reconstructing a relationship with me? Or that, you are not interested in having A*a be part of the process? Since my husband and I have been punished as a unit for each other’s fictitious "wrongdoings", I believe that it is only right to repair the relationship as a unit, as well. I don't know that I would call it "group therapy" so much as clarifying the rules of our relationship, for the benefit of the future. This is not about the past, so much as about the future. A trained family mediator would be able to clarify to us healthy patterns of behavior so as not to create hurt in the future. Although I appreciate your good will, I do not believe it to be prudent to re-introduce the children at this point. I would like to know that there was security in the relationship first - they have suffered greatly from rejection and I would not want them to have to go through this again. As of now we have not experienced a parental relationship with you over the past 11 months, we do not feel that it would be appropriate to accept your thoughtful financial offer at this point. Thank you for your good wishes, wishing you all the best,

A***a Dear A***a, I*a has nothing to do with me in this. My position has been clear from the start – you created this machlokes (fight) for no reason. And you are incapable of hearing anyone else’s point of view. If you had a drop of humility you would say “gee what did I do to drive my parents and siblings away? MAYBE I made a mistake. MAYBE I did something wrong. Instead you blame everyone else. EVERYONE is lying, EVERYONE has done me wrong. NO ONE has ever done anything for me! You know that van you just wrecked? I paid for it out of my own pocket, just like I paid for your first van. But no one has done ANYTHING for you. You have left a paper trail. You wrote several people how you want nothing to do with your family. YOUR FAMILY!!!! You created this for no reason. It was none of your business. You have spoken to relatives in America badmouthing us and M******m. I CAN PROVE IT! I spoke to the people. You have been incredibly disloyal, a true kofei tov. Nothing that anyone has ever done for you, not the HUNDREEDS of hours that I*a spent on the phone with you, nothing is appreciated. No A***a, I WILL NOT play your game. So keep beating up on I*a the only one who has been your advocate in the family to try to get them to see you in a positive light. The family is OUTRAGED by your behavior. Only I*a tries to defend you. After all you have said and done you have the gall to accuse I*a of lying! Halevi (I wish) I*a made it up! I wish you had never said or did all the things you did in the past YEAR. If at some time in the future, perhaps with the help of a professional. You can look yourself honestly in the mirror and say “Maybe I did something wrong” then I will be willing to discuss it. But I will not descend into the insanity that you have created. When a sibling is in trouble, the family rallies around them. Everyone did that (and does that) except you. What kind of a mother uses their own children as pawns in their twisted game? Of all you have done that is the most horrific. I pray for you and C*****a and the children every day. May Hashem (God) be good to all of you.

Love, A******a (Yes I still love you in spite of all you have done)

machlokes = fight,

Hakoros Ha'tov = gratitude

Halevai = I wish

Hashem = G-d

Sincerely,

“Oy Vey!”

 

Dear “Oy Vey”,

     Thank you for following the page and I am glad to hear the posts have been helpful for you in your situation.  I felt extremely unsure of how to tackle this message because of the mixture of a religion I have no experience with.  I do not know what is culturally “acceptable” and then I realize these issues really do cross every cultural barrier so let’s start with the unwillingness to go to group therapy on your mother’s part as she would rather get you into therapy….alone…with her.  It seems a common tactic of manipulation for a narcissist to get their victim into therapy alone with them.  This allows for the further manipulation through the therapist.  I do believe most therapists will recognize this but there is always the chance that they won’t.  I think your suggestion to keep all involved so there wouldn’t be any “misunderstandings” was a great.  Also, the fact that you wanted to keep your husband involved was great.  If anything I would seek therapy on your own without the involvement of others.  As for the mediator I am unsure why this is necessary?  Are we talking of a legal mediator because there are children involved or a spiritual mediator to heal the rift in the family?  I will go under the assumption that it is to mediate the family rift.  Again, mediation should involve all parties and should not be done in secret with only your mother and who she picks and choses to be present.  Anyone affected by the situation should be present so there aren’t any future misunderstandings.  As for the children, it is a good idea to keep them out of the circus.  To my understanding your mother is trying to control you from across an ocean so I can only imagine what goes on when she is up close and personal.  While we are on the topic of “No Contact”, this is a deeply personal choice.  We go no contact with our family for many different reasons, usually when the situation is so emotionally or physically abusive that we are pushed into a corner and we have a “fight or flight” reaction.  I can’t really give advice on this for your situation as this will be a decision that you will have to mull over with your husband and/or a therapist.  The bottom line being “The best interest of the children”.  It seems as if you have a really good handle on the situation with the low contact so I would keep monitoring it. The main issue I see is putting the involvement of flying monkeys at bay and the recruitment of flying monkeys. In my own family I did have to go no contact so I know how hard this is for you.  Try not to make any decisions out of spite but a good look at the reality of your relationship with your family. Good luck to you in the New Year and if you need any support just let me know!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems "Sick and Tired"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

     I have read tons on narcissistic behavior, and have a couple of questions. My family has an individual who displays mostly passive narcissist traits, but we have been at our wits end for years dealing with her being an extreme hypochondriac. She also has an insatiable need for attention. She will drink, pop pills, and then call everyone for days complaining of how sick she is. If we try to change the subject, or avoid "feeding the monster", we are accused of being insensitive and cruel. Also, if we try to make suggestions for getting well, she shoots them down immediately. She is highly skilled at using guilt of all kinds to try and get her needs met. ANY suggestions are welcome! Thank you for offering your time and effort with this group!

Sincerely,

“Sick and tired of being sick and tired”

Dear “Sick and Tired”,

    Let me just make my first statement of the year be: I am not a psychiatrist nor will I ever claim to be.  What I will say is that I can totally relate with your situation!  With that said “Happy New Year”!!!!  The insatiable need for attention seems to be the calling card of all narcissists.  This is why I like to refer to them as emotional vampires.  They will suck you dry and leave you believing that you are the one who is tragically flawed for not feeding into whatever need they are trying to have met by you.  Narcissists in general will do many things to get their needs fed whether it be to manipulate you, scapegoat you, triangulate your entire family/friends, ruin your life, or play the pity card.  It seems like your narcissist has a need to be fed by playing on your sympathy and getting attention by either feigning an illness or down right making themselves sick.  What happens when we are sick?  People who care about us want to make us comfortable, they want to help us, and they will usually go out of their way to do this.  I know I usually do when someone I care about is sick.  I guess what I’m wondering about right now is if this narcissist has recently created some rifts in the family by causing drama or ruining relationships. Did she spend the holidays solo? Has she lost any sources of supply for her ego?  You might be surprised to notice that this person tends to get ill if other people in their lives have been staying away from them due to their toxic behavior and general destructiveness.  In my own experience with my Narcissistic mother she loved to create storms of drama.  She wasn’t able to function if there wasn’t some tragedy going on in her life.  When there was something awful going on she was at her best.  Happy, energetic, smiling, and on that phone gossiping with whoever would listen.  As we know about gossip and human nature people usually love to listen to what is going on with others.  Now when she couldn’t stir something up she became depressed and would stay in bed until 2 or 3 p.m.  She would come down with chronic illnesses acutely. Mark my words, as soon as some shit storm was stirred up again her illness was cured!  During the times she was ill she needed a caretaker, me.  Someone not to offer advice but to take care of her needs.  I took care of the household, I took care of her emotions, and I took care of her own responsibilities like caring for other family members or getting a job at the age of 14 to make sure the bills were paid.  If I were not taking care of her needs there would be hell to pay.  If I suggested she see a doctor there would be hell to pay.  If I told anyone outside of our home what was going on there would be hell to pay.  My point, it is not your job to take care of this person’s needs.  She needs help and it’s a help you will never be able to offer or suggest if this is a true narcissist.  This is the way it is.  If you suggest that she seek medical help and then refuses there is nothing more you can do for her.  We are all adults and we all have the responsibility to take care of ourselves, including our own needs.   Back away slowly and keep your distance until/unless she decides she will take the action necessary to make herself well again.  As always, this post will be shared.  Comments from readers as well as suggestions, advice, or a “me too” is always appreciated!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Edit: After posting this a member of one of the groups used a the term "Help reject complain" which fits this behavior to a T.  Here is an article if anyone cares to understand this further.
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/therapy-soup/2013/02/how-to-deal-with-a-help-rejecting-complainer/

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Stuck"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

     I need advice/help. I'm in a very unhealthy relationship, but I feel stuck. I don't know how to get out. He is manipulative, controlling, and abusive (more verbal and sexual with occasional physical). I've tried multiple times in the last year to make him leave and it never works. I got a better job in August and was hiding money so that I could leave and he started doing little things (unplugging my alarm clock, calling me at work saying my daughter was in the hospital so I'd leave early [she wasn't] and once even leaving in MY car and taking the keys to his truck and not coming back until an hour after I was supposed to be at work) all of which have resulted in my losing my job. When I was working, he would take money out of my purse, he's told me that he paid certain bills and actually just blew the money, one of which was a traffic ticket, resulting in my license being suspended. He has cheated on me more times than I can count, but I'm the one with the problem because I'm "jealous" and "insecure" and I make him cheat because I'm so awful. I have 2 children and I can't keep putting us thru this. I don't have anyone who can help me or that we can stay with. I have a car payment and insurance now a suspended license and no income w/o him. I've been distributing my resume and filling out job applications since I lost my job 2wks ago with no luck. I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do

Sincerely,

“Stuck”

Dear “Stuck”,

     When I read through this I literally felt the burn of pure anger I felt with my own narcissist.  The first step in getting out is usually the hardest and that is to accept that there is a problem.  You are 60% of the way there.  The first thing I would do is print this letter up as a starting point and heading down to the local courthouse and seeking the help of a victims advocate.  I am really sorry to hear that you lost your job and I am not going to lie to you:  This next year will probably be the hardest year of your life but I know you can get through it!  The hardest part of these relationships whether it is a family member, friend, or significant other is wriggling out of their tentacles.  You need a support system.  Think really really really hard and try to see if there is anyone in your life who is willing to help. If not seek help just as you have done here.  You are not alone! All of these problems seem really overwhelming but the important thing is to work through them.  When you go to the court house talk to them and see if they can’t point you in the right direction regarding the abuse AND your license situation.  The longer you put either situation off the worse it will be later.  Try to be as proactive as possible even if you have no money.  I know that here in Chicago we are having an amnesty week for parking ticket violations.  I don’t exactly know what that means but I’m assuming either having the ticket dissolved completely or setting up a very small payment schedule.  If you lose the car; I know that will only make the situation worse but remember this isn’t the end.  You are being abused mentally, sexually, physically and financially.  This person is sabotaging your job, your income, and your ability to take care of yourself and your children.  I would not, under any circumstances, leave the children with him as a babysitter.  The children have already been through enough.  While you have a car let your determination to survive and later thrive be your guide.  Seek out community support.  Go down to the office for family and child services and see if they can assist you in finding daycare options.  I wouldn’t go into too many details but keep it strictly regarding money.  I would also see if they can possibly help you find some certification classes so that you can get a higher paying job later.  You are in a jam and the longer you stay with this person the more he is going to tear you down.  The most important thing to do is take the first steps toward your safety and independence.  Good Luck to you!  You can do this!  Further, document the crazy.  Get the police involved.  Get a restraining order against this person before you end up losing your children because of him.  The most important thing to do is to stay safe and get out as quickly as possible!  None of this is going to be easy.  You are going to need to be filled with so much fear and determination that it forces you to break the barriers of “out there” being scarier than where you already are.  Know this, you are capable enough and strong enough to do this you just need to start!  It will help to seek emotional support in a support group and you can find them on Facebook.  Also see if there are any free services for counseling in your area.  Get out there and get talking.  When we talk with others who have been there not only can they help guide us out of the nightmare but it helps to get out the pain and frustration.  You got this!  Finally, I would avoid any conflict or threatening your partner that you will leave if he doesn’t change his behavior.  Make the plans to leave as silently as possible otherwise he will sabotage those plans and he may actually hurt you or the children.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems "Falsely Accused"

 Dear Narcissist Problems,

So, he gas lighted me for 5 years. Including moving things in the house. He tried to make me think I was losing my memory and ability to make sound judgements. He lied and denied things he said or did, that I saw. He convinced his coworkers that I'm a control freak, convinced his family I'm unstable, discredited me to my friends, made me look like an incapable parent, projected his feelings that I'm a bad person down my throat. So I am getting a divorce. My daughter told me her dad tickles her vagina. I told the therapist. Cps was called. He is so good that even with the other incidents of abuse and my daughter’s symptoms they dropped the case. He made it look like I was spinning information and that I'm crazy. His therapist thinks I have serious issues and need a psych evaluation in court. His lawyer thinks I'm nuts and his parents won't talk to me. The worst part... My lawyer decided not to take my case, she referred me to another lawyer, and he won't take my case. I called my original lawyer with no response from her. He's taking me to court and I have no representation and am forced to sign on papers I don't know how to read... Legal jargon. We had sex three times in 6 years, he ignored, rejected, humiliated, projected, used porn and refused his wife, lied constantly, double standards, got his needs met by our 5 yrs. old daughter. He provoked me constantly, threatened to call the cops on me, and stonewalled. No closure, no conflict resolution. Denied all his abusive behaviors or blamed me, used dating sites... Which he denies, he lived a double life while smearing me to his people... He also kept me away from those people. He had more contempt and disrespect then I knew was possible. He has another personality for the public. My daughter and I both had PTSD, but I can't get a lawyer.

Sincerely,

“Falsely Accused”

Dear “Falsely Accused”,

One of the most difficult situations we will ever be in with a Narcissist is when we are forced into a courtroom battle that involves our children.  Since starting this page I have heard from numerous people who have described your exact situation and this is why I want and need more people like yourself to write the page and let us know what is going on in our family court system today.  Unfortunately, these people are very good at making us appear to be crazy to the point that lawyers do not want to represent us.  The case is not easily shut and closed as we spend months and years dealing with false allegations and being court ordered into psychiatric evaluations or worse actually being forced into a mental institute based solely on the false allegation.  What we have to say about our experiences with the family court system is met with disbelief as normal people do not believe that the courts or a governmental agency is able to remove our human/civil rights with zero evidence of wrongdoing.  Guess what folks, it is happening.  Every. Single. Day.  Until we bring an awareness to this situation we are going to get lost in the system and have our lives stripped away from us by the family court system.  The way it works is that a false allegation will be made against an otherwise healthy/normal person usually to child protective services.  Child Protective Services can then remove the parent rights of the falsely accused based on little evidence of wrong doing and hearsay.  The parent is then left to defend themselves against these allegations and usually forced to sign papers before court without understanding exactly what they are signing.  A parent will assume that they are agreeing to evaluations with the idea that this will prove that they are innocent of the false allegations but what happens when that paper is signed is the exact opposite.  The signature is then used as proof that the parent falsely accused has admitted guilt of wrong doing; when they were under the impression that they were trying to prove their innocence by cooperating with the government.  Further, the standard of evidence for a family court case is lower than the standard used in the criminal court systems.  Also, there is no right to a trial by a jury of our peers.  The family court system is becoming a breeding grounds for abusers to father abuse their victims and we need to stand up against this injustice!  Nothing good comes from secrets and the family court system is a very secret affair.  The only option we have is to maintain our innocence, keep speaking the truth, research laws, and take our own cases Pro Se.  I know it is not advisable to represent yourself in a court of law but when we are given no choice this is what we must do in order to prevail.  If we sit and do nothing, not one person will care that we are not represented, and that is including the judge.  The next hearing I suggest asking the judge for a lawyer and request a continuance.  Become very familiar with your state laws, case law, and be prepared to fight for yourself.  Document the crazy and bring that documentation with you to court!  Document dates, times, what was said etc.  Document even the little things.  Do not be afraid to contact the police and report the crazy.  Just keep this thought in mind when you feel you are being too hard on crazy “They would do this to me and worse”.  Many times we have trouble calling the police when the crazies are acting crazy because we feel we are being irrational or hypersensitive and it will make us look worse in court.  The more people you can get involved with the witnessing of this abuse the better for you besides the obvious of protecting yourself and your children.  Let his lawyer think what they want, let his parents think what they want, and let the whole damn town think what they want.  The only thing that matters is that you keep speaking the truth even if your voice shakes and even if you are standing alone looking like a lunatic because nobody believes you.  If you lose your children to this monster, appeal.  Then you continue appealing until your case is heard in federal court because THAT is how laws are changed.  Do not flinch at their judgements but stand strong and know that you are not alone!  If we continue to spread awareness of this situation it will force our law makers to take a closer look!  Good Luck to you!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems, where do I ask my question, I need advice! "Losing my Mind"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Hi, I just currently was added to the group, but I have no idea how it works. I really, really need some advice. I was casually talking to a friend about my issues on my husband, (I never talk to anyone about it) and she pointed me to a site that promotes you for advice and I really need some before I just run away. Can you help me?

 I really need some advice but I do not want my friends to see my request. The advice site you published is public and no way to post private. Can you help me before I lose my mind? I was describing my dilemma to a friend and she suggested I come here because she HAD a boyfriend in the past she is still damaged by the narcissistic way he treated her. I am losing my mind and my heart. I do not want a 3rd failed marriage because I can’t figure it out. I do love him, but I cannot do this anymore. Can you please help me with advice?? Or point someone to me please???

To start... I had no idea that of the reason of my anguish about my husband until I was explaining my unhappiness to a friend. I thought him to just be a flirt that would fail me eventually by putting himself into a situation to cheat. The disrespect was often. I knew only a matter of time and I would be another failure. Marriage #3. Can any marriage survive this? Is my initial question. I am not sure my heart can even after talking to his mother that sees it too. Help? The help I need us to emotionally survive it while also not upsetting everyone. Ideas? Please I need them. I am at the verge of breaking down to something I cannot come back from.

Sincerely,

Losing my Mind

Dear “Losing my mind”,

     I know this can be a little confusing with how to have a question posted anonymously so here is the link for the Narcissist Problems Facebook Page.  Please message the page with any questions and the link is here:

https://www.facebook.com/NarcissistProblems

After sending your question into the page I will spend time reviewing your question and then building an appropriate reply.  This may take a few days if I need more details or information and time to give full thought as to how I will respond.  Most of the time if I need more details about the situation I will send a message to ask.  

Now that we got that out of the way lets focus on the real reason you came here.  You have 2 failed marriages and are working on the 3^rd.  I would love to give you advice on how to cope with your situation but I am not sure I really understand the situation fully.  I understand that there has been infidelity, and I am not discounting this but in order to point you in the right direction I would need to know what is going on that is making you feel you are going to lose your mind besides the cheating.  What are your daily interactions like?  Do you have some examples of behavior patterns or how you speak to each other or what you actually argue about?  Why do you feel he is cheating on you or are you assuming he has been cheating on you?  Is it possible that you have been in such fear of infidelity that you might possibly be sabotaging your own marriage?  I don’t want you to have another failed marriage either and if I were in your shoes I would probably be freaking out as well.  My first suggestion, based on 3 marriages, is to ask you to examine your life, specifically your childhood.  How did your parents interact with you and what are your relationships.  Were your parents emotionally or physically abusive?  I’m asking about this because it seems that many people developed relationships in adulthood that follow similar patterns experienced with family in childhood. The big question here is why do you continue to develop relationships that fall apart?  My second and last suggestion is to seek therapy.  You have a pattern of failed relationships in your life and if you want to fix this you are going to need to find out why and then come up with solutions.  There is no quick fix when it comes to change and while I would love to help you figure this out I am not qualified to do so.  Can a marriage survive infidelity?  That would depend on multiple factors but the important thing to ponder is, do you want it to?  I know there are a lot of questions here and less advice but I can’t assume what’s going on in your life or in your marriage.  In my own life I have learned that I need to build solid and trusting foundations with those I let into my small circle.  I tend to my close relationships like I would tend to a garden.  I take care of them.  I remove weeds when necessary.  I pay attention to toxins or parasites that may be killing my garden and proceed with research and knowledge.  The foundation of any relationship is going to begin at home with you.  If you do not love or take care of yourself you will have a really hard time convincing others to.  Good luck on your journey and if you have any more questions please send it to the first link above.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems "Ex School Girl"

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Narcissist Problems,

 

I've just come out of a short relationship - 6 months with a narcissist. I knew there were problems very quickly but hoped I might be able to help him - now I know that's not possible. My problem is that he is, if not famous, a moderately successful author who regularly turns up on TV and so on. On this page I'm sure I don't need to explain to you how dangerous he is and what a wealth of prey that 'fame' gives him. He also regularly goes into schools which gives him access to vulnerable young women. Whilst I couldn't say I think he's a pedophile he does have a worrying love of girls in school uniforms and has access to them. What can I do? I can't prove anything and anything I might try will make me look like a sour and bitter ex. He has already succeeded in turning at least one mutual friend against me who has been persuaded that I'm crazy. Any ideas?

I know he likes school girl uniforms as he liked me to dress up in one.

He's a historian, specifically military history but he has quite an interest in crime and is published on the subject of Jack the Ripper. I met him at a JtR conference - not really my area of interest but a friend wanted a companion and paid for me to go with her. He was chairing the conference.

The first sign he was a little off was in the first few weeks when I discovered he'd been sending very flirty messages to the friend as well as to me, having told me we were in a relationship.

The second one, which was a biggy was over Xmas. He became very aggressive and argumentative over me saying it was a pity he hadn't seen his son since August. He was then due to come and stay with my parents on the 27th, which he did. He really didn't have the social skills to deal with the situation but he was quite inappropriate in how he responded to me - very overtly sexual.

He became picky and aggressive over all sorts of things, specifically the fact that I don't like New Year's Eve. On the 3rd of Jan a woman he had told me was an ex and just a friends posted a very long rant that made it clear that she was not an ex and at the time I had met him and had in fact been pregnant by him and not well so staying in the hotel room. Of course, he made out that she was bonkers and wouldn't take no for an answer but I've since seen the exchange of texts he sent on the 27th, which couldn't have been forged because of some of the things said in it and they were very definitely in a relationship. Thank you. He is a creep. Since I first wrote to touch's has published pictures of himself with his latest victim. Poor cow thinks she's got Prince Charming but instead is in the clutches of a conscienceless monster.

Sincerely,

Ex School Girl

 

Dear Ex School Girl,

I met a couple of guys on the internet who would like to meet your ex narc… pic attached.

Unfortunately we all seem to stick around these toxic relationships because we want to help them.  We see someone who is in need of love, support, or care and we jump in and start bailing the water out of a sinking ship.  The problem is that usually we don’t notice the ship is sinking because the person we are trying to “help” is drilling holes in the bottom of the boat.  You are right, it is usually not possible to help people especially if they don’t see a problem with their behavior and have no need or desire to change.  Knowing he is a moderately famous author is going to force me to begin questioning every book I read!  The good news is that you obviously noticed some red flags of dysfunction and/or abuse early on in the game.  Knowing that you ended this relationship at 6 months instead of 6 years makes me feel like the work of spreading awareness of this type of personality disorder is serving its purpose!  Either by your own will and high self-esteem or by running into information of your dysfunctional relationship something happened to make you insightful enough for alarm bells to go off and call it quits with this animal.  While I don’t want to assume the worst and label this guy a sexual predator I do find it rather disturbing that he asked you to role play as a school girl while spending time with school girls. The bad news is that with no proof of his pedophilia there is little that you can do.  The only thing in your control is to protect yourself and all the young girls you know from this monster.  If you do much more than that you might find yourself slapped with a restraining order and a lawsuit.  It’s sick, I know, but that is the way the law works.  You need good evidence, witnesses, and documentation.  You need something that will hold up in a court of law.  For now the most you can do is consider yourself a viable character witness when victims do begin to surface.  If you want more help consider consulting with the local police department.  For all you know there may have been a report filed against him and at least it will give you peace of mind knowing that you did speak up. 

Usually when you call a narcissist out on their bad behavior that is when you are officially declared an enemy and that seems like it may be the case here.  Bringing up his visitation with his son was a blow to the ego as I’m sure he likes people to believe he is father of the year.  If you brought up his sexual behavior that he displayed in front of your parents that was another blow because I am sure he thought he was being very charming.  From what you describe here you were dealing with a typical narcissist and your personalities clashed like the titans!  He manipulates and you confronted, way to go!  Not many of us here can say we had the courage or insight to be so upfront.  The important thing for you to do now is to try to let it go.  Don’t keep updated on his life including his new victims.  If you try to warn the others it will only make you appear insane and infatuated.  You know, like his pregnant crazy ex in the hotel room was.  Don’t be that woman.  So far you seem to have done an amazing job at identifying his special breed of crazy and dealt with it like no other!  Good for you!  It may help to just give yourself time to heal from this experience and keep spreading the awareness of what you have been through with others….who don’t know your narcissist!  Good luck on your healing journey.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems "I Can't Sit With Them"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Anon please! I and a group of online friends have been targeted by a woman we thought was our friend. We were all in a secret support group on Facebook, but gradually she took over which resulted in the group becoming a negative place with members banned, bullying of outsiders, and people flocking to her like flies on shit. I had foresight and chose to unfriend her and leave before it got too dark and negative for me. She noticed straight away that we weren't friends anymore, and started an online hate campaign, turning people against me. She told people I was talking about them behind her back, told them I was a scam artist, and generally smeared my name. I lost my online business, I lost friends, and I got depressed and withdrawn and stopped leaving the house. I've had to get a new Facebook account and block everyone from that group. This girl now admins a larger Facebook group, and has turned everyone in there against me as well now. Even though I've blocked her, she's still finding ways to get to me online. What do I do? I've debated going to the police due to feeling unsafe. I'm in the UK. She's actually well-known as she was breastfeeding in public and someone took a picture and called her a tramp, so she's been on the news defending breastfeeding and has set up a campaign called free to feed. It's a bit ironic that someone famous for standing up to Internet bullies is an Internet bully herself. This profile is a whole new profile, but a girl who was my real life friend told her about this profile. I and my friends have saved a lot of screen shots, not enough though I fear as we didn't realize at the time what was going on.

Sincerely,

“Can’t sit with them”

 

Dear “Can’t sit with them”,

     I have experienced this secret group bullying to an extent.  There have been a few secret groups I have joined and been bullied out of actually.  At one point, I was supporting one of the women to do a retreat.  I thought it was a great idea.  However, because I did not use my own pictures on my profile she began questioning my gender. (It was a female only group)  I understood the fear that maybe I could have been a man, I knew I wasn’t a man and had actually belonged to this group for a few months without problem.  She began taunting me and she wanted to Skype to ensure I was in fact a female.  It was totally ridiculous and I eventually replied, “Would you like a picture of my vagina??? Is that proof enough??”  I don’t think she really had an issue with my body parts she was just trying to create a hostile environment.  It turned into a debate on what kind of profiles are acceptable.  I had no problem sharing “myself” with the admin but we join secret groups for a reason, privacy.  To avoid stalking and further harassment.  To gain support in our weakest moments.  The woman was a predator in sheeps clothing and I see it happen a lot.  I typically avoid these people unless I am forced to react and then I only react directly to the issue and not at the emotional provokations.  She was the same type of personality you describe here, cruelness guised as a victim saint and people flocked to her like flies on shit on a hot summer day.  Let them have each other.  What a nightmare you have been through and I hope you have screen shots of what happened.  I know you are in the UK but in the United States there are laws against libel (written slander) and you should be able to sue her in civil court for the destruction of your name and loss of business. Start a new business with a different name, don’t let her destroy you.  I would get a free consult with an attorney ASAP.  Wow, this is exactly how we end up with anon profiles in the first place.  You need to stand up to this bully and do not let her intimidate you into submission.  A covert narcissist usually takes on the role of the martyr or victim of some sort and it seems to be working for her well.  I would contact the police if necessary and defiantly go talk to a lawyer.  Don’t share anymore personal information with anyone who knows her.  It seems like the friend who told her your real name was nothing more than a flying monkey trying to catch a ride on the 15 minute fame train.  Know the red flags and please don’t hesitate to message again.  You shouldn’t feel so alone but I do recommend making another profile but keeping this one open just to collect evidence of the harassment.  If you can have a person who is totally removed from the situation check your messages for you and remove any real life photos so they don’t get spammed out in the smear campaign.  Good Luck to you and remember you are not alone! 

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems "Questions"

Dear Narcissist Problems,
Question; what kind of man will abruptly leave his family with no explanation. Ignore them, give them the silent treatment. Blame you for everything. And appear to either be cheating, on drugs, or doing something sketchy. And when he comes back around and tries to work on things, will say that it was because he was at a breaking point and that's the only way he knew how to get his families (wife, kids) attention, and that's the only way he knew how to do it. And will apologize and say he's sorry, and he was stupid, etc. Especially if this is out of his character and it's something he's never done and you know /thought he would never do. What causes this, and why is his "truth" so complicated? I thought that lies were complicated, and the truth was supposed to be simple, no? Is this just further part of his manipulation, or is he really sorry and was just being prideful the whole time he was gone, or was he really doing something sketchy and is just not going to admit it or tell us what it was? I've searched passive aggressive behavior and this seeks to fit completely. He seems to withhold covert anger. Also, what kind of childhood causes this, I mean what do your parents have to do to you to make you this way? Or is it even his childhood or something else. I'm just confused and don't understand why someone would be completely fine and have a great life with his family for multiple years on end, then one day just break and vanish...and leave his family abandoned without basic necessities, then say that he thought we would at least have someone else to care for us, or he thought that was the best thing to do. Is this a narcissist?
Sincerely,
“Questions”

Dear “Questions”,
      The short answer is yes that is exactly what a narcissist does. Either that or he has a really interesting hobby that he is embarrassed to tell you about; like sitting alone in the bathtub with a duck caller and live ducks who he has made family.  It is possible your husband wishes he was a duck and has adopted a family of ducks to provide a sense of belonging.  Don’t be surprised if this is something he tells you someday or he is a narcissist.  I'll leave it up to you to decide based on all the facts you know that I don't.  I could leave it at that but, of course, I won’t. So here is the long answer:  A narcissist will regularly disappear for days or weeks.  You will want to assume that the narcissist has a drug addiction but don’t be surprised if they have a whole other family!  Other humans, be it a wife or children, are merely supply or feeding grounds for this personality type.  The sooner you wise up and create some boundaries with this emotional vampire the better for you and the children.  Do you know who leaves just to get attention?  Children, and you might find that dealing with your husband is very similar to dealing with a toddler.  They feel ignored so they will make you feel ignored.  You take their candy then they will take yours.  You pushed him down so they will dig a hole and bury you in it.  Most of the time these slights are imagined and you simply are not adoring this savior as much as they would like.  So they discard you and find someone who will feed their waning ego and then return.  Literally, think of it as being married to a vampire.  Once they suck your blood dry and you are almost dead they will have to leave you alone to restock your blood supply.  In the meantime, they are still hungry so they go off to feed on blood elsewhere until that blood runs dry.  It’s an unending cycle of vampirism in the form of soul drainage instead of blood.  The only constant in meals, however, is probably you and your children.  If the only way he knew how to get his own families attention was to disappear ask him to seek therapy but whatever you do, don’t let this continue.  It is toxic, unhealthy, and the black mold of life.  It is not ok for you and it is not ok for your children.  You do not deserve this and your children do not deserve this.  They say that narcissism breeds in families and it sounds like his family is a nest of narcissists.  Honestly, have you met his family?  I grew up with a narcissist but it didn’t make me that way.  Guess what,  my narcissist was that way and blamed their parents…but their parents weren’t that way.  Narcissists love to play the role of victim especially if it gets them out of trouble!!  That is what they do.  Yes, the truth would be easier but the truth takes courage.  These people do not have courage and they enjoy their lies because their lies keep you confused and feeling sorry for them.  They enjoy hurting us.  It doesn’t matter if they were born this way or if they were raised this way the only thing that matters is that you understand that this behavior will never change.  Do not try to reason with him, do not ask for explanations, and do not beg.  Know this; if you do not create and enforce boundaries then he will trample all of your boundaries until you have none left.  Until your children have none left.  Hurting you is as stimulating as a crack addiction and he will always want more.  The thing to remember is that, with any drug, a person builds a tolerance and will always need a higher dose over time.  The pain he creates for your family will only increase with time as well.  The sooner you understand this the better.  Get away from him, tell him his behavior is unacceptable because it is, and document his behavior well because you will need it in court someday.  You have sympathy and are empathetic and he is counting on those qualities to get the best of you, so don’t let him.  Stay strong and good luck to you!
Regards,
Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems "Questions"

Dear Narcissist Problems,
Question; what kind of man will abruptly leave his family with no explanation. Ignore them, give them the silent treatment. Blame you for everything. And appear to either be cheating, on drugs, or doing something sketchy. And when he comes back around and tries to work on things, will say that it was because he was at a breaking point and that's the only way he knew how to get his families (wife, kids) attention, and that's the only way he knew how to do it. And will apologize and say he's sorry, and he was stupid, etc. Especially if this is out of his character and it's something he's never done and you know /thought he would never do. What causes this, and why is his "truth" so complicated? I thought that lies were complicated, and the truth was supposed to be simple, no? Is this just further part of his manipulation, or is he really sorry and was just being prideful the whole time he was gone, or was he really doing something sketchy and is just not going to admit it or tell us what it was? I've searched passive aggressive behavior and this seeks to fit completely. He seems to withhold covert anger. Also, what kind of childhood causes this, I mean what do your parents have to do to you to make you this way? Or is it even his childhood or something else. I'm just confused and don't understand why someone would be completely fine and have a great life with his family for multiple years on end, then one day just break and vanish...and leave his family abandoned without basic necessities, then say that he thought we would at least have someone else to care for us, or he thought that was the best thing to do. Is this a narcissist?
Sincerely,
“Questions”

Dear “Questions”,
      The short answer is yes that is exactly what a narcissist does. Either that or he has a really interesting hobby that he is embarrassed to tell you about; like sitting alone in the bathtub with a duck caller and live ducks who he has made family.  It is possible your husband wishes he was a duck and has adopted a family of ducks to provide a sense of belonging.  Don’t be surprised if this is something he tells you someday or he is a narcissist.  I'll leave it up to you to decide based on all the facts you know that I don't.  I could leave it at that but, of course, I won’t. So here is the long answer:  A narcissist will regularly disappear for days or weeks.  You will want to assume that the narcissist has a drug addiction but don’t be surprised if they have a whole other family!  Other humans, be it a wife or children, are merely supply or feeding grounds for this personality type.  The sooner you wise up and create some boundaries with this emotional vampire the better for you and the children.  Do you know who leaves just to get attention?  Children, and you might find that dealing with your husband is very similar to dealing with a toddler.  They feel ignored so they will make you feel ignored.  You take their candy then they will take yours.  You pushed him down so they will dig a hole and bury you in it.  Most of the time these slights are imagined and you simply are not adoring this savior as much as they would like.  So they discard you and find someone who will feed their waning ego and then return.  Literally, think of it as being married to a vampire.  Once they suck your blood dry and you are almost dead they will have to leave you alone to restock your blood supply.  In the meantime, they are still hungry so they go off to feed on blood elsewhere until that blood runs dry.  It’s an unending cycle of vampirism in the form of soul drainage instead of blood.  The only constant in meals, however, is probably you and your children.  If the only way he knew how to get his own families attention was to disappear ask him to seek therapy but whatever you do, don’t let this continue.  It is toxic, unhealthy, and the black mold of life.  It is not ok for you and it is not ok for your children.  You do not deserve this and your children do not deserve this.  They say that narcissism breeds in families and it sounds like his family is a nest of narcissists.  Honestly, have you met his family?  I grew up with a narcissist but it didn’t make me that way.  Guess what,  my narcissist was that way and blamed their parents…but their parents weren’t that way.  Narcissists love to play the role of victim especially if it gets them out of trouble!!  That is what they do.  Yes, the truth would be easier but the truth takes courage.  These people do not have courage and they enjoy their lies because their lies keep you confused and feeling sorry for them.  They enjoy hurting us.  It doesn’t matter if they were born this way or if they were raised this way the only thing that matters is that you understand that this behavior will never change.  Do not try to reason with him, do not ask for explanations, and do not beg.  Know this; if you do not create and enforce boundaries then he will trample all of your boundaries until you have none left.  Until your children have none left.  Hurting you is as stimulating as a crack addiction and he will always want more.  The thing to remember is that, with any drug, a person builds a tolerance and will always need a higher dose over time.  The pain he creates for your family will only increase with time as well.  The sooner you understand this the better.  Get away from him, tell him his behavior is unacceptable because it is, and document his behavior well because you will need it in court someday.  You have sympathy and are empathetic and he is counting on those qualities to get the best of you, so don’t let him.  Stay strong and good luck to you!
Regards,
Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Help"

 

 

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Hello, I didn't feel safe posting this on the wall. After 1 year and a half, 4 day trial in court I have finally divorced the most perfect narcissist who follows every single bullet from all narcissist posts. He fits like a glove. He’s done it all. I have been harassed, abused, stalked, threatened, intimidated, and my story is one of many, very sad... now I’m divorced, happy to say everything went fine in court but... he has not stopped. He keeps threatening in his emails, intimidating me, creating problems where there’s none.... my heart skips a bit when I see his mail in my inbox. I can barely breathe and I start shaking as I open one. (We have joint physical custody of 2 precious little girls. Therefore email contact stays open, and he sure abuses it to get to me. I have taken the free services of LAWS for counseling but we have no more available. I went from being unemployed ( stay home mom ) when separation started, to having a fulltime job ( starting September ) now part time, having my own rental place, paying for everything, as he is not paying the child support or alimony... I have done a miracle so to say in a year and a half... BUT.................................. I need tools, I need mental help to deal with him after court, after attorneys... I need guidance... can anyone help me??? Where can I go? He left us without health insurance... I got my kids insured but I still have no health insurance... so I need some sort of free service offered by any support group?

Sincerely,

“Help”

 

Dear “Help”,

   Thank you for the question and you asked a great one! I have some good and bad news for you. The bad news is that he will never stop.  The good news for you is that you have a highly arrogant narcissist on your hands.  What I am understanding from your message is that you have limited contact with your ex-husband?  If so, congratulations!  The key to dealing with a narcissist is to not react to their provoking.  There only goal is to illicit a reaction from you whether it is positive or negative.  When he is there writing those emails and picturing your response he is getting high.  If you actually do respond and acknowledge whatever he said to provoke you it would probably be the equivalent of what a heroin addict feels just after shooting up.  From what I’ve seen in the movies the high a drug addict feels after shooting up is greater than experiencing 20+ orgasms at the same time.  Do not feed his addiction.  Only give response that would involve your business with him and that is raising two girls.  If he sends a nasty email you can do one of two things A) root out the point (visitation, rescheduling, appointments) B) have someone you trust open your emails from him and have the trusted other root out the point.  Only respond to the point in a matter of fact tone only stating facts and clarifying facts.  No emotion and no reaction.  My best guess is that he only is trying to share custody with you to avoid paying child support.  Narcissists are great controllers, manipulators, and liars so don’t you ever forget that.  Their main goal is me, mine, and myself.  What you need to do in this situation is document the crazy.  Document the tactics he is using in his emails.  Print each email, get out a highlighter, and go to town highlighting every behavior you observe that you have learned about in these groups and on these pages.  Educate yourself on this abuse so you know what you are looking for.  Get a binder, get some clear binder inserts and start a case file.  Also, keep a journal.  You want to write in a daily journal time, date, what happened that day, did anything out of the ordinary happen (strange phone call from any agencies/businesses, strange mail, strange people),  If something or someone strange comes along document what happened (what did they say, do, have you seen them before, what were they wearing, what were they driving, license plate number, etc.), keep in your journal notes (I received an email today about____ and in the email I was threatened because ___).  You want to be your own personal advocate as far as this goes.  You want to be your very own private eye, call yourself “Friday”, and never forget you are building a case against this person.  Research your own state stalking/harassment laws, make police reports, in fact, become besties with your local PD so they know you in case something does happen.  Get your daughters into counseling.  I’m sure for the moment he might be treating them great because he has an agenda of making them hate you.  He is probably spoiling them and most likely bad mouthing you in the process.  Using your children as spies.  When this doesn’t work out he will discard the children as well so make sure you have “the change” well documented so it collaborates with all his nasty emails.  I know you want to shake like a leaf and run away.  You probably hide in your home a lot and peek out of your curtains at every little noise you hear.  Your heart probably jumps when the phone rings.  It’s time for you to get angry.  You do not deserve to be treated this way and how dare him to think that he can get away with this!  I am not saying become confrontational but become a solid rock; he can’t penetrate your being to the core.  He is a pesky fly on a hot summer night with no breeze that keeps trying to land on your sweaty face.  He is the mosquito buzzing in your ear all night but too small to find when you turn the light on.  He is the mildew that keeps growing in your basement bathroom.  He is the splinter in your finger that you can’t dig out.  He is the handle on a 24 pack of Coke that rips and makes all your cans hit the pavement and explode when you are walking from the grocery store to the car.  This is what you are dealing with and if I had all night to keep writing about things he could be equated to…. I would.  I’m sure you get the point, do not react.  As for help, joining support groups on Facebook geared toward narcissistic abuse is a great place to start.  Most of the groups I have joined have been amazing.  They are a great place to surround yourself with people who “get it”.  Just do a search through Facebook “Narcissistic abuse” “parental alienation” “High conflict spouse” “mental health advocate”.  I will send you some links to a few of the groups I participate in.  Most of them I joined over a year ago so I’ll send the ones I trust.  As for outside help, contact a local domestic abuse shelter or your county court house and ask where you can locate an advocate.  If you are struggling, go to your local DHS office and see if you qualify for any assistance/health insurance.  Also, contact local hospitals and see if they offer low income health clinics.  Use as many services as you need until you can get back on your feet again.  This is what they are for.  You can do this!  You are strong enough, you deserve to succeed, and one day you will look back on this horrible situation with gratitude because it has made you so strong.  Never forget, Document the crazy!  Prepare yourself to end up in court and never expect his help with anything financially.  Moreover, be careful who you share your problems with because a narcissist is a great manipulator and will use others as flying monkeys to come wreak havoc in your life.  You got this!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems