Showing posts with label Divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Divorce. Show all posts

August 2, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems "Flew the Coup"


Dear Narcissist Problems,

I need some advice.  I am in the middle of a divorce with my abuser and he has essentially "romanced" everyone I know into thinking that I am the wrong doer. He is so suave in that way that he has convinced my attorney that I have done wrong. I'm not sure what do or if there is some way that I could point my attorney to the "idea" of my abusers narcissistic ways without coming across as slandering him.  He has convinced everyone including my attorney, (somehow) that I had an affair and that I left for no reason. Everyone thinks our life was "perfect" and because I'm on disability for several mood disorders, he has my attorney convinced that I am out of my mind. He continues to track my cell phone (though my carrier is not sure how he keeps doing it).  He used me as a tool to abuse my son who is now almost 20. And though my son hated him over the last 12 years he has now turned his back on me and sides with my husband who is not his biological father.  I always tried to defend my son and stick up for him. But my husband would wear me down with constant arguments telling me how bad of a mother I was and if I didn't listen my son would turn out to be a "hood rat" as he called it.  He used to be a deputy in a neighboring county and I found out recently that he was fired because he lied on his application.  I tried to hide in another state and had all of my records redacted so that he would not know my location. But he told my attorney exactly where I live. That's how I found out he has been tracking my phone.  I guess my attorney now assumes that I'm loopy and told him where I was going. We were together for 12 years and I was placed on disability 10 years ago. Update: I've reached out to my attorney and had a little heart to heart with him. I guess I just jumped the gun on his responses to me. He was very understanding and said that his suggestion to settle for less was an effort to keep me from having to endure anymore emotional trauma. He had seen how drastic my demeanor/behavior changed when being faced with my ex-husband (soon to be ex-husband). He knew I had been through some bad things with my ex.

Sincerely,

“Flew the Coup”

Dear “Flew the Coup”,

     I’m glad to hear everything turned out well with your attorney but have you considered possibly getting a consult with a few other attorneys to see what they say?  It is a conflict of interest if your soon to be Ex is having conversations about you with your attorney.  I’m glad to hear that things are coming to a close for you. As for your son, there is not much you can do about the situation because he is an adult so all you can do is respect his decision.  I wouldn’t even bring it up in conversation because that will make you look like the bad guy.  Try your best to leave him out of it.  Narcissists are masters of manipulation and I wouldn’t doubt if he was buying your sons support or simply making up lies and passing them off as truth.  I found that when you are in the midst of a smear campaign there is little you can do to protect yourself from the gossip because people rarely ask for your version.  Keep documenting the crazy and file police reports if need be.  I would contact your local court house and see a victims advocate about the E-stalking.  In my own experience, the police won’t do much unless you have been harmed even if you have a P.O. against the nut case.  The good news is that laws are beginning to change and this type of harassment is starting to become more recognized.  You just might get lucky and find someone who is willing to step up to the plate and help you protect yourself against electronic stalking.  The first steps I would take is throwing that cell phone in the garbage and getting a prepaid with no paper trail back to you.  Get a P.O. Box and just wait it out.  I would love to help more with the electronic stalking but I’m finding myself in the same situation where nobody will help unless they show up on my doorstep.  It’s amazing to me because we get stalking orders so that our stalkers stop following us and tormenting us but we find little protection when they find our locations electronically and just have to wait in fear until they show up.  If any of the readers does have a stalking order and police took electronic violations seriously please message the page and let us know what happened!  Good Luck to you!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

July 1, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems, where do I ask my question, I need advice! "Losing my Mind"


Dear Narcissist Problems,

Hi, I just currently was added to the group, but I have no idea how it works. I really, really need some advice. I was casually talking to a friend about my issues on my husband, (I never talk to anyone about it) and she pointed me to a site that promotes you for advice and I really need some before I just run away. Can you help me?
 I really need some advice but I do not want my friends to see my request. The advice site you published is public and no way to post private. Can you help me before I lose my mind? I was describing my dilemma to a friend and she suggested I come here because she HAD a boyfriend in the past she is still damaged by the narcissistic way he treated her. I am losing my mind and my heart. I do not want a 3rd failed marriage because I can’t figure it out. I do love him, but I cannot do this anymore. Can you please help me with advice?? Or point someone to me please???
To start... I had no idea that of the reason of my anguish about my husband until I was explaining my unhappiness to a friend. I thought him to just be a flirt that would fail me eventually by putting himself into a situation to cheat. The disrespect was often. I knew only a matter of time and I would be another failure. Marriage #3. Can any marriage survive this? Is my initial question. I am not sure my heart can even after talking to his mother that sees it too. Help? The help I need us to emotionally survive it while also not upsetting everyone. Ideas? Please I need them. I am at the verge of breaking down to something I cannot come back from.

Sincerely,

Losing my Mind

Dear “Losing my mind”,

     I know this can be a little confusing with how to have a question posted anonymously so here is the link for the Narcissist Problems Facebook Page.  Please message the page with any questions and the link is here:
After sending your question into the page I will spend time reviewing your question and then building an appropriate reply.  This may take a few days if I need more details or information and time to give full thought as to how I will respond.  Most of the time if I need more details about the situation I will send a message to ask.  

Now that we got that out of the way lets focus on the real reason you came here.  You have 2 failed marriages and are working on the 3rd.  I would love to give you advice on how to cope with your situation but I am not sure I really understand the situation fully.  I understand that there has been infidelity, and I am not discounting this but in order to point you in the right direction I would need to know what is going on that is making you feel you are going to lose your mind besides the cheating.  What are your daily interactions like?  Do you have some examples of behavior patterns or how you speak to each other or what you actually argue about?  Why do you feel he is cheating on you or are you assuming he has been cheating on you?  Is it possible that you have been in such fear of infidelity that you might possibly be sabotaging your own marriage?  I don’t want you to have another failed marriage either and if I were in your shoes I would probably be freaking out as well.  My first suggestion, based on 3 marriages, is to ask you to examine your life, specifically your childhood.  How did your parents interact with you and what are your relationships.  Were your parents emotionally or physically abusive?  I’m asking about this because it seems that many people developed relationships in adulthood that follow similar patterns experienced with family in childhood. The big question here is why do you continue to develop relationships that fall apart?  My second and last suggestion is to seek therapy.  You have a pattern of failed relationships in your life and if you want to fix this you are going to need to find out why and then come up with solutions.  There is no quick fix when it comes to change and while I would love to help you figure this out I am not qualified to do so.  Can a marriage survive infidelity?  That would depend on multiple factors but the important thing to ponder is, do you want it to?  I know there are a lot of questions here and less advice but I can’t assume what’s going on in your life or in your marriage.  In my own life I have learned that I need to build solid and trusting foundations with those I let into my small circle.  I tend to my close relationships like I would tend to a garden.  I take care of them.  I remove weeds when necessary.  I pay attention to toxins or parasites that may be killing my garden and proceed with research and knowledge.  The foundation of any relationship is going to begin at home with you.  If you do not love or take care of yourself you will have a really hard time convincing others to.  Good luck on your journey and if you have any more questions please send it to the first link above.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

June 11, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Help"


 
 
Dear Narcissist Problems,

Hello, I didn't feel safe posting this on the wall. After 1 year and a half, 4 day trial in court I have finally divorced the most perfect narcissist who follows every single bullet from all narcissist posts. He fits like a glove. He’s done it all. I have been harassed, abused, stalked, threatened, intimidated, and my story is one of many, very sad... now I’m divorced, happy to say everything went fine in court but... he has not stopped. He keeps threatening in his emails, intimidating me, creating problems where there’s none.... my heart skips a bit when I see his mail in my inbox. I can barely breathe and I start shaking as I open one. (We have joint physical custody of 2 precious little girls. Therefore email contact stays open, and he sure abuses it to get to me. I have taken the free services of LAWS for counseling but we have no more available. I went from being unemployed ( stay home mom ) when separation started, to having a fulltime job ( starting September ) now part time, having my own rental place, paying for everything, as he is not paying the child support or alimony... I have done a miracle so to say in a year and a half... BUT.................................. I need tools, I need mental help to deal with him after court, after attorneys... I need guidance... can anyone help me??? Where can I go? He left us without health insurance... I got my kids insured but I still have no health insurance... so I need some sort of free service offered by any support group?

Sincerely,

“Help”

 

Dear “Help”,

   Thank you for the question and you asked a great one! I have some good and bad news for you. The bad news is that he will never stop.  The good news for you is that you have a highly arrogant narcissist on your hands.  What I am understanding from your message is that you have limited contact with your ex-husband?  If so, congratulations!  The key to dealing with a narcissist is to not react to their provoking.  There only goal is to illicit a reaction from you whether it is positive or negative.  When he is there writing those emails and picturing your response he is getting high.  If you actually do respond and acknowledge whatever he said to provoke you it would probably be the equivalent of what a heroin addict feels just after shooting up.  From what I’ve seen in the movies the high a drug addict feels after shooting up is greater than experiencing 20+ orgasms at the same time.  Do not feed his addiction.  Only give response that would involve your business with him and that is raising two girls.  If he sends a nasty email you can do one of two things A) root out the point (visitation, rescheduling, appointments) B) have someone you trust open your emails from him and have the trusted other root out the point.  Only respond to the point in a matter of fact tone only stating facts and clarifying facts.  No emotion and no reaction.  My best guess is that he only is trying to share custody with you to avoid paying child support.  Narcissists are great controllers, manipulators, and liars so don’t you ever forget that.  Their main goal is me, mine, and myself.  What you need to do in this situation is document the crazy.  Document the tactics he is using in his emails.  Print each email, get out a highlighter, and go to town highlighting every behavior you observe that you have learned about in these groups and on these pages.  Educate yourself on this abuse so you know what you are looking for.  Get a binder, get some clear binder inserts and start a case file.  Also, keep a journal.  You want to write in a daily journal time, date, what happened that day, did anything out of the ordinary happen (strange phone call from any agencies/businesses, strange mail, strange people),  If something or someone strange comes along document what happened (what did they say, do, have you seen them before, what were they wearing, what were they driving, license plate number, etc.), keep in your journal notes (I received an email today about____ and in the email I was threatened because ___).  You want to be your own personal advocate as far as this goes.  You want to be your very own private eye, call yourself “Friday”, and never forget you are building a case against this person.  Research your own state stalking/harassment laws, make police reports, in fact, become besties with your local PD so they know you in case something does happen.  Get your daughters into counseling.  I’m sure for the moment he might be treating them great because he has an agenda of making them hate you.  He is probably spoiling them and most likely bad mouthing you in the process.  Using your children as spies.  When this doesn’t work out he will discard the children as well so make sure you have “the change” well documented so it collaborates with all his nasty emails.  I know you want to shake like a leaf and run away.  You probably hide in your home a lot and peek out of your curtains at every little noise you hear.  Your heart probably jumps when the phone rings.  It’s time for you to get angry.  You do not deserve to be treated this way and how dare him to think that he can get away with this!  I am not saying become confrontational but become a solid rock; he can’t penetrate your being to the core.  He is a pesky fly on a hot summer night with no breeze that keeps trying to land on your sweaty face.  He is the mosquito buzzing in your ear all night but too small to find when you turn the light on.  He is the mildew that keeps growing in your basement bathroom.  He is the splinter in your finger that you can’t dig out.  He is the handle on a 24 pack of Coke that rips and makes all your cans hit the pavement and explode when you are walking from the grocery store to the car.  This is what you are dealing with and if I had all night to keep writing about things he could be equated to…. I would.  I’m sure you get the point, do not react.  As for help, joining support groups on Facebook geared toward narcissistic abuse is a great place to start.  Most of the groups I have joined have been amazing.  They are a great place to surround yourself with people who “get it”.  Just do a search through Facebook “Narcissistic abuse” “parental alienation” “High conflict spouse” “mental health advocate”.  I will send you some links to a few of the groups I participate in.  Most of them I joined over a year ago so I’ll send the ones I trust.  As for outside help, contact a local domestic abuse shelter or your county court house and ask where you can locate an advocate.  If you are struggling, go to your local DHS office and see if you qualify for any assistance/health insurance.  Also, contact local hospitals and see if they offer low income health clinics.  Use as many services as you need until you can get back on your feet again.  This is what they are for.  You can do this!  You are strong enough, you deserve to succeed, and one day you will look back on this horrible situation with gratitude because it has made you so strong.  Never forget, Document the crazy!  Prepare yourself to end up in court and never expect his help with anything financially.  Moreover, be careful who you share your problems with because a narcissist is a great manipulator and will use others as flying monkeys to come wreak havoc in your life.  You got this!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems   

June 3, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Issues"


 
 
Dear Narcissist Problems,

My husband is a narcissist and I'm bipolar. I take my meds, workout, and constantly stay busy so I don't feel bad. If things aren't perfect I get criticized. I don't know how much more I can take, I feel like I am suffocating. I have a 3 yr. old w/ him and I don't want to leave, I want him to have both parents. My husband has abandonment issues as well. Things are okay for now, but the weekends are usually horrible. I'm bipolar and I take meds and cycle on the weekends, he knows this. But sometimes I think either he's super anxious cause of it or purposely pushes my buttons cause a low time for me.

I tried to talk to him about how I was worried about him. He said the people that I'm talking about don't have a conscience at all and that he would have already left me if that was the case, he says he loves me no matter what.

Sincerely,

“Issues”

 

Dear “Issues”,

When did you discover that you were bipolar?  Are you sure that maybe you are not in fact just surrounded by an Asshole?  I am not making light of the situation but life with a narcissist can make us act abnormally. Even if we are not acting abnormally we will be labeled with disorders and forced to comply with the label.  Abusers do this when scapegoating and invalidating a victim to others.  An example of this happened to me when my narcissist tried to prove I was an unfit parent in order to gain custody of my children.  They are very convincing when they tell others of your disorder as well, to the point that even you might believe them.  I would feel like I was suffocating as well if I were expected to be perfect all the time.  Narcissists have this wonderful talent where they tell us what they expect of us and then when we deliver they change their expectations.  It might be something as small as leaving a nightlight on in the bathroom.  We are conditioned to remember this night light every night and if we forget all hell will break loose.  Then one day out of the blue, if the narcissist is bored or needs to feed on your emotions, you turn the night light on and then get under the covers ready for bed.  Then the next thing you know you are under the direct fire of a verbal onslaught of how stupid you are because you left the night light on.  You tell the narc that they want the light on every night and this is when you are called crazy.  “I don’t want the light on EVERY NIGHT only on the nights that (fill in the blank)”.  Then you recondition yourself to make sure the night light is off every night and then a couple weeks/months later the same thing occurs.  “I told you to leave the night light on every night! Why are you turning it off?!?!”  Crazy making at its finest.  This could happen with anything; the way you fold towels, vacuum the floor, cook pasta, wash the windows, when you shower, what you wear, and the list goes on.  Maybe your husband criticizes you as a way to get you to abandon him.  Narcissists are great at creating self-fulfilling prophecies.  They create environments that will result in the behavior.  The same thing occurs when they project their feelings onto us.  They will call us names; lazy, pathetic, a slob, Multiple personalities, whore, or crazy and eventually we may feel this way about ourselves/believe it. Normal people want our children to have both parents but being miserable is not a great way for a child to grow up knowing his parents.  Make a list and evaluate the situation, why are you staying, what are the costs/benefits, and how will the current situation effect your child?  I would seek a free consultation with an attorney, document the crazy (even if it seems meaningless), and get into therapy.  Good Luck to you!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems, "War of The Rose's"


 
Dear Narcissist Problems,

     I’ve just become a fan of this page. I never thought there would be such a discussion such a powerhouse! I am dealing with the ongoing abuse of an ex-husband with many of the traits talked about here with an 11 year on going divorce. It is a refreshing page you have and I have gotten lost in everyone’s comments. Thank you for your posts it is helping knowing I am not alone and can check in here for reassurance. I would like to comment so perhaps I can help someone else and in the meantime help myself. If you have suggestions I would like to hear them.  It’s a touchy nerve still to this day. I want to know how I openly communicate with my sons who are now 23 and 25 who still live with him and my oldest son works with him in the family business who both have been brainwashed. Next month will be a finalization if all goes well...but not holding my breath! Should I wait till it’s over and said and done? My oldest has dis owned me in a nasty letter to me...I can feel his pain and it kills me knowing he hates my being and wants nothing to do with me ever. We were so close the 3 of us now it’s just a memory of how it felt to hold them and tell them every day how much I love them....I became disabled while still married and I couldn’t look after them I herniated my l4, l5, s1 in 2003 and again in 2010. If it weren’t for my older brother I just met 11 years ago putting a roof over my head and food in my stomach I would of been living on the streets. I, through all my crap, managed to hold my head high and meet the love of my life partner in 2010. My sons have met her we have had a couple of really nice get together but they just snapped one day as if to hurt me for not being able to help them. I understand what I think but don’t know why they can’t stand up for themselves or me and get out of his life...the more questions I ask myself the deeper I fall into a web that he placed around me all this time. We were married for 16 years and dated and lived together for two years. I absolutely despise his being and become bitter just thinking about him. I cry every day to myself just thinking about my sons I’ve always wanted since I was 10 yrs. old...it just seems he gets what he wants and even though we bought the business together and I worked in it beside him from 1996 to 2004 there he has had all my money, but claims to have nothing. He has stopped spousal support of $200.00 a month and owes me over 4,000 there plus other monies from here and there how do I retrieve what is mine? My lawyer is amazing a humanitarian who is working with me not for his pocket. I am blessed to have found his kind heart and soul. I have had 3 lawyers who just did well not a damn thing! I hope you have some answers for me or just something to keep me going...I love this site, it is helping me cope daily with my feelings that real and genuine and believe there is a way to deal with this personality without jail time, but what!? Please let me know when you post something for me to see I don’t like to post here because my Facebook friends can see and I haven’t told everyone what I have been thru or what I am going thru... thank you for your care and concerns if there is anyone you know that is in relationship like mine you may see if they would like to corresponded with me. I am confidential and a real good listener who also has a great outlook and in need of someone to chat with.

Sincerely,

“War of The Rose’s”

 

 

Dear “War of The Rose’s”,

Thank you for the compliment and we are glad you found your way here!!  An ELEVEN YEAR ongoing DIVORCE?!?!?  I suggest watching the movie “War of The Roses” because that is my first thought.  I’m surprised the both of you have made it this far without committing murder.  I’d like to know more about how this divorce has lasted 11 years.  Please head this message: Get. Out. Now. Before it is too late!  At this point you should be an expert on divorce and would probably give better advice than I ever could.  Please write your book because I am sure there are many people out there who have some questions for you. I.E. How did you keep your sanity? Are you still Sane? How have you not been locked up for murder yet?  You know, the normal things people want to know about when they hear of an ongoing 11 year divorce.  Have you sought therapy for what you are going through?  It would help if there were a little more detail as to what happened between you and your husband, how he ended up with your children, and what your children told you as far as the reason to why they have disowned you.  I know when you are living in what seems to be an eternal vacuum it seems impossible to focus on the small stuff but in this case it might help.  How did this situation spiral out of control?  I think the first step is going no contact with the soon to be ex -husband.  Step two, seek a qualified therapist, find support groups, and find yourself.  If you want to get through this you are going to need to find out what made you stay in this situation for 11 years.  None of us want to feel taken advantage of when leaving a relationship but at some point it becomes necessary to cut your losses and your ties with the toxic other.  Stop to really analyze what has made you stay in this nightmare. Figure out what has happened that makes you feel the need to stay connected to so much chaos.  You have been living in an 11 year hurricane and at some point you need to draw a line in the sand and say to yourself; this is what I will accept in my life and over there is what I will not tolerate.  Remove yourself from the thought process of getting any money, even if it is yours, because this alone could be keeping you in this situation.  I don’t know what happened in your marriage to make it fall apart but it sounds like you may be suffering from post- traumatic stress either from your marriage or from your childhood.  Sometimes we have been through something negative for so long that we begin to feel normal in the negative situation.  If we try to make our lives better it feels unnatural.  As far as your son’s are concerned, I am sorry to say, they are now adults.  They are creating their own boundaries and drawing their own lines in the sand.  Regardless of the reasons they have negative feelings about you the fact is that they do and that should be acknowledged.  You will get nowhere really fast without acknowledging their hurt and pain.  This acknowledgment needs to be heartfelt with a real willingness to not only say you love them but to show them.  Further, if they want nothing to do with you, this needs to be respected.  If you try to force yourself into their lives this will be seen as a major violation to them and may add to the list of reasons they don’t want you in their life.  The work needs to begin at home, with you.  When you begin to heal and understand what has happened to you and why, when you realize the role you are playing in this horror show, and when you accept your faults and others faults then maybe you will be able to move forward.  It will take A LOT of work and A LOT of help but you can do this.  Please keep learning about abuse and keep working on yourself.  Someday, your sons will see the truth or they will see you change and see you are trying.  Words are meaningless to children young and old especially after you have been hurt.  Only actions will change the situation.  Good Luck to you on your journey.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

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