Showing posts with label narcissistic abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label narcissistic abuse. Show all posts

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Soul Murder Via Spiritual Cannibalism: A Slow Death by The Machiavellian Exploitation of One’s Mind

Soul Murder Via Spiritual Cannibalism




A Slow Death by The Machiavellian Exploitation of One’s Mind


When we hear the terms murder or manslaughter we usually only think of the physical death of the body via the negligent or willful actions of another. It is something typically done with intention resulting from hate, anger, or a rage that you can feel, see, and touch. You can point a finger to a cause of death and find the weapon and eventually the killer. You can hold someone accountable for murder and manslaughter. Many rarely think of attempted murder as the repeated and intentional cruelty inflicted upon another in the form of berating, ostracizing, damaging the good character of, or tainting the victim in a negative light to all who will encounter them.

There is another form of death perpetrated by narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths that is spiritually cannibalistic in nature and an encounter with one of these individuals results in a long drawn out affair of soul annihilation. There is nothing quick or painless about it.  This experience leaves many pleading for a physical death as they reach into their very core in search of one last shard of hope in a bottomless pit of despair.


Soul Murder is The Direct Result of Spiritual Cannibalism

Soul cannibalism results in soul murder and is a highly calculated, concealed, and methodical form of attempted murder where the essence of the victim’s being is literally devoured by the abuser as if the victim’s soul sustains their life force.  They will continue to feed until there is nothing left but an empty shell of a former human being. The term “soul murder” was first coined by 19th century playwright Henrik Ibsen who defined it as, “the destruction of the love of life in another human being.”  Soul murder was then brought into modern psychiatric dialog in 1991 by psychoanalyst Leonard Shengold in two books on the topic as primarily applied to childhood neglect and deprivation. Therein “soul murder” was given a name and legitimacy.

Soul Murder is nothing short of when the soul is shattered and maimed as a result of prolonged exposure to coercive control and covert abuse.  One’s identity, essence, and contentment with life are indisputably eradicated from existence. This process often takes years or even decades before the actual death of the physical body.  It is not quick with a few moments of bloodshed as seen with a legally chargeable offense.  The end result is a victim left with no choice but to put an end to the misery once and for all.

Shengold articulately wrote that Soul Murder is to deprive an individual “of his or her own identity and ability to experience joy in life.” He described the phenomenon as resulting from tactics such as arbitrary edicts and a chronic lack of empathy which cause a victim’s vitality, confidence and joy to slowly erode, until the victim’s soul is completely gone.
As many survivors of psychological and emotional abuse can attest leaving this hell on earth usually only becomes possible once we can name and validate our experiences.  Until reaching the point of comprehension in that we are experiencing psychological or emotional abuse we are standing there scratching our heads while attending therapy once a week trying to pinpoint what is wrong with us and how to fix it.


Soul Cannibals are Difficult to Pinpoint


Soul Cannibals are found in every walk of life from your church pews to the seediest of dive bars.  There isn’t a stereotypical look of these toxic executioners, but you can almost bet these predators are well liked and stellar members of society.  Either that or they can take on the role of perpetual victim and need your help as a great problem solver which makes them even more difficult to spot. 

Moreover, they will use numerous strategies to bait their victims in which makes it very difficult to spot outright. It can even be very difficult for someone who is aware of soul cannibalism to spot one of these predators.  In turn, those who are not familiar with or previously exposed to this type of attempted murder are unable to comprehend it. The inability for many to name and pinpoint soul cannibalism and soul murder results in victims who are not being believed, dragging them further down the spiral of invalidation, delegitimization, self-doubt and erosion of being. 

Those who commit soul murder can take on many roles and come from even the most sacred relationships.  The soul cannibal could be a relative, friend, spouse, or neighbor.  In other words, they could be anyone, they are everywhere, and it is almost impossible to know who they are until you have already been reeled in for their abuse.  However, their behaviors will almost always give them away.  These perpetrators all use the same weapons so trust your gut and if something tells you things are not right then look for the following behaviors. 

Soul murder Weapons: Gas Lighting, Character Assassination, Crazy-Making

Narcissistic, psychopathic, and sociopathic abuse takes place when one of these personality disordered individuals attempt to convince their victim, slowly over months or years, that they are “crazy”.  At the same time, they will campaign against their victims by informing the rest of the world all the things wrong and all the wrong doing done to them by the actual victim. 

They paint themselves in a great light and as the protector and savior to the real victim.  They are only trying to help.  They have no idea why the victim is so angry.  The victim must have a chemical imbalance. They are so concerned for the victim and they need your help to help them! They make an unwarranted effort to earn the love of the victim’s family and friends.  This effort will pay off years down the road when all have been triangulated against each other forcing the victim into further isolation and depression. 

These predators employ an arsenal of methods such as character assassination and gaslighting. The Gaslighting will be used in order to get their victim(s) to doubt their own sanity and wonder if they are the one at fault, the “crazy one”.  After instance of gaslighting will also be used to assassinate the character of the victim to others as they are told that you are “irrational” “illogical” or “psychotic” because of XYZ (insert your reaction to manipulated situation created by the soul cannibal exclusively to piss you off).

Survivors of attempted soul murder and those around them have their perception of reality intentionally skewed.  The victim’s flaws are exaggerated and expanded upon and then used to convince others of their “pathologies”.  Little quirks will be blown into the victim having a full-fledged disorder according to their abuser. The finger is chronically pointed at the victim who typically will spend numerous hours trying to find out exactly what is wrong with them rather than question the accusations being made in the first place. 

How Soul Cannibals Accomplish Soul Murder


For example, spending money on an expensive item, or even on basic needs, will be turned into the victim being bi-polar and spending out of control which results in all financial assets being turned over to the coercive control of their “caretaker”. The victim may even end up agreeing with any unqualified diagnosis their perpetrator throws at them based upon the exaggerations made by their murderous tormentor.  These unqualified diagnoses are further solidified as fact when the perpetrator begins getting involved in the victim’s medical care.  

Initially the victim trusts their abuser and usually will not question the abuser when they want to speak with medical staff alone.  This opportunity is used to alert all doctors and psychologists that the victim is a pathological liar and then lists all the criteria for whatever diagnosis they have labeled their victim with. With their flaws magnified the victim inadvertently agrees with statements made to medical staff pertaining to their own behavior.  “Why yes I did spend a lot of money last week” not aware that the abuser has told the staff that the victim drained their bank account. These little instances will add up to a proper diagnosis that will help the perpetrator get away with financial exploitation, among other abuses.

Situations are literally manufactured, and the truth becomes so obscured that the victim of this psychological warfare begins to doubt themselves. This can be done by omitting important details of a situation or by outright lying that key events never took place.  When confronted with the truth the abuser will have such a convincing reaction and be so emphatic with their response that you begin to doubt your own perception of that key event. The soul cannibal will come up with some extremely convincing lies baked in a half- truth pie. They will also do and say things to deliberately upset their victims. When the victim asserts themselves and demands truth, they are then put down, mocked, or shamed for overreacting or misunderstanding the intentions of their soul murderer. 

The erosion of self is escalated when the predator makes light of and invalidates anything the victim is feeling. In normal human relationships there is usually a mutual give and take of sharing our perceptions and feelings when we feel hurt.  This is the opportunity an empathy less predator takes to invalidate the victim’s feelings and opinions.  They take this a step further by berating the victim’s choices and calling them illogical or irrational. 
These predators will literally put down and then laugh at their victims when they react to the abuse and then slowly get others to join in on their abuse.  

When the victim brings up valid points or begins to question their tormentor they will be told that they simply have a very large imagination. Those who experience this type of invalidation have their reality so distorted that they end up apologizing for mistakes and transgressions the abuser made.  The focus turns to the victims out of control reaction or illogical thoughts rather than on the actual behavior or series of manufactured events that created the reaction in the first place.

If the victim decides to leave the relationship and sever ties with their abuser, then this predator puts every stop in the road that they can possibly dream up. The abuse turns from covert to very overt.  The victim is no longer questioning the abuse because they are able to name the relationship dynamics as abusive. The gig is up, and you are on to them and they know it.  With this one truth the soul cannibal becomes hell bent on destroying their victim.

At this point the soul assassin begin to harass them, relentlessly spy on them, follow them, call their job to get them fired, call social services to report them as bad parents, and call their family and friends to let them know the victim has gone psychotic and they need help.  These killers systematically dismantle all that their victims know and love.  They destroy any relationship the victim has with people who would normally help them.
Isolation and a skewed self- perception is the reality for many victims of psychological and emotional abuse. 

Yes, there is another form of murder that a human may experience which is not physical at first but often results in suicide if the victim remains in the relationship. Victims of these soul predators are indisputably turned into the walking dead as they are lost drudging through their daily life unaware of the covert tactics being inflicted upon them.  There is a fog a victim ends up walking through during their daily life that leaves the abuse just outside of conscious awareness.  Those who experience this abuse are so tormented they sometimes wish, hope, and pray for the official follow through of being murdered because a physical death appears to be the only way to put an end to the suffering. 

Most people don’t get it, they don’t understand that what we have gone through was unmistakably attempted murder.  It is an attempt at murder that unfortunately one will not fully understand until they have experienced it. We don’t have broken bones or bleeding wounds to alert others that we are dying and in desperate need of help.  We only have our bleeding hearts and shattered souls. We have a death rattle in our breathing, but it can’t be heard.  There is no way to ask someone to throw out a life raft in this ocean of sorrow so that we may be pulled to safety because there is no apparent danger of drowning. We are drowning from the inside out and may not even realize we need to be saved until it is too late. 


How Soul Cannibals Get Away with Murder, Time and Time Again


Well, narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths are masters at manipulating people.  Not only do they spend exorbitant amounts of time manipulating their victims they are also manipulating everyone else who comes into contact with the victim.  They are universally known by survivors of this type of abuse to be great at painting the victims as unstable and irrational which results in their being ostracized and isolated from family, friends and supports.  Soul cannibals expertly hide their abusive and coercive behavior by concealing it in false concern.

The soul cannibal is a chameleon and smooth talker. Everything is done behind a veil and always behind the scenes. The abuse is carefully orchestrated in order to make the predator look good and the victim look bad, REALLY bad. To those watching from the outside nothing will seem amiss most of the time except the problems and issues the victim is having.  This happens because manipulative and coercive tactics take place secretly, outside of people's awareness, and any “issues” are easily explained away by the abuser.

Couple this secrecy with years of manipulation of people and environment and it becomes impossible for professionals who enter the scene late in the stage to see that the victim does not have a chemical imbalance in need of regulating or a mood disorder. They have years of hospital records pointing to the victim as having problems. This is solidified by the fact that most victims are by then brainwashed to never tell anyone what is going on inside of the relationship with their abuser. The victim has been properly groomed to protect their tormentor. When these victims finally reach the end of their rope and commit suicide all factors point toward chronic depression, mood disorders, chemical imbalances and not abuse.


The End Result: Soul Murder or Soul Rape

The victim is eventually forced into an existential house of mirrors of not knowing what their reality is because their abuser has altered and put a spin on even the smallest of perceptions. When leaving a relationship like this it doesn’t matter if the soul murderer was a friend, spouse, or close relative the result is the same.  The victim feels tainted and dirty and unable to wash away the “sin”.  When victims get out alive they have been soul raped. Those who are not so lucky are soul murdered via suicide.

Repeatedly, the victim is forced to question what the abuser says to them, about them, and to others. They are left in the pure filth and taint of being labeled as and treated by others as a pathological liar, a thief, or worse the abuser of their abuser!  The psychological manipulation is done largely outside of conscious awareness. These survivors are eventually conditioned to think of themselves as crazy, evil, “damaged goods,” etc.  - just what the soul cannibal wants them to believe.

The Soul Murderer, when carrying out these covert campaigns, goes faceless and undercover to everyone outside of the relationship so no one will ever know about their abuse and no one will be held accountable. The longer time goes by and the more the victim tries to defend themselves against the onslaught of coercive tactics, the more severe the abuse inevitably becomes. The narcissist, psychopath, or sociopath has ahead of time arranged a cavalcade of unwitting “flying monkeys” - other people who believe the abuser’s stories who help to drive the victim to madness. The flying monkeys may even be abusers themselves, so they enjoy the thrill of the hunt along with their predator friend.

To sooth their own relentless existential torment, in a life that has become devoid of joy and meaning, the victim may turn to drugs or alcohol as a means of escape which enforces the abuser’s accusations that the victim is out of control. They generally develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and/or complex traumatic stress disorder as a result of not being able to release their tension, anxiety, and emotional suffering for years as they endured their own attempted murder. The course of events is inevitable should the victim not receive help. The abuser will never quit abusing and the victim will be eradicated to the core resulting in their devaluation, dehumanization, and suicide.

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Soul Death Can Take Years, Even Decades


The process of soul murder can occur over the course of years and decades - even thirty years or more. And the victim knows all too well that even if they did escape the situation the abuser would follow and torment them for the rest of their life.  Ruining all future relationships and jobs, thus decimating their future life. The soul cannibal has become, in essence, omnipotent.

The victim will be made to feel like they are literally worthless.  They are nothing in this world left to stew in an irrefutable existential torment. A victim will eventually feel no meaning in life, have nowhere to go and that nobody wants them -  except for the narcissistic, psychopathic, or sociopathic abuser. The process is complete. They are literally a hostage to the parasitic soul murderer. Their joy for life has departed leaving the victim too weak to even claw their way out of the depths of hell.  The journey seems impossible.


From Death of Soul to Death of Body


Soul murder victims all too often carry the secret of the abuse to their graves, unable to articulate or receive legal or psychological validation they sadly frequently take their own lives by suicide. Some victims may not even want to kill themselves intentionally but rather desperately seek to escape through drugs/alcohol and end in accidental death.

Others may not turn to substance abuse at all, but may end up suffering chronic medical issues from the relentless stress, which will lead to their physical death.  Stress is a proven cause of a myriad of health problems, such as stroke and heart attack, many of which can be fatal even if one happens to escape their abuser.  

The end result is either death by suicide or death by stress. This type of abuse is the gift from hell that keeps on giving because even in the best of situations the victim will be riddled with permanent health issues created by the stress.


Speaking About the Unspeakable

Suicide is such a taboo topic especially speaking about it after the deed has been done.  It is almost sacrilegious to point a finger at another human being after the suicide of a loved one and say, “this happened because of you!” and then hold that person accountable for their actions that ultimately pushed another person off of a cliff.

We think to ourselves “what if I’m wrong about this?”  “What if they were just clinically depressed or had a chemical imbalance?”.  We bite our tongues because we know the guilt we might induce in the person we are pointing our own fingers at.  We wouldn’t wish that guilt on anyone. This is a normal empathetic reaction that stops us from pursuing the issue any further. 

We are unable to wrap our minds around the fact that these predators do not share in our empathy and compassion. They enjoyed what they did. The worst part of all?  They will NEVER feel guilty or any remorse for murdering someone but rather proud of themselves for being so crafty and skillful as to manipulate a person into their own grave.

In life and in death there is little justice or accountability to be had for these spiritual cannibals. The sick part is that as a society we watch this form of murder happen and many times turn a blind eye to it. When our souls are murdered the very core of our being is chiseled away into almost nothing and we are left there not even realizing that we don’t have depression due to some act of nature but rather an ongoing psychological warfare inflicted by another human being.  We are told to “grow some balls” or “put on our big girl panties” instead.


Becoming the Voice You Needed to Hear

It has been over 5 years since going no contact with my own soul assassin. As many of you know I have been helping a friend leave one of the most malignant of narcissistic species I have seen to date. A conversation we had the other night prompted the writing of this article. I’d like for all of us to be able to identify and name soul cannibalism for what it is, and I ask all of you to continue talking about your experiences because the laws do need to change.  

We need to share our stories.  These criminals need to be held accountable for their verbal actions and manipulations that lead so many victims of psychological and emotional abuse into committing suicide simply to escape their grotesque reality. When I hear someone tell a victim “why don’t you just leave” I am filled with a burning rage because I know first-hand that “just leaving” is usually not an option.  One must literally “just disappear”.  It has nothing to do with willpower, being a strong or weak person, or any other life skills that society would deem acceptable. These people are predators and like all known predators to man they will continue to stalk and hunt their prey.

As I spoke with my friend she was saying thank you for helping her get free of this person who had spent the last 7 years slowly erasing her.  I thought for a moment at everything that has taken place over the past several months and my own actions actually made me question my own sanity a bit. I must be insane, but I know that a certain amount of insanity is going to be needed to slay this beast.  I went all in on this one. It’s been an outright spiritual battle for all involved on our end.

I’ve been aware of my friend’s situation for a few years and always offered the same advice “get out while you still can!”.  She called me one day completely broken down, alone, scared but determined after months of not hearing from her, and she said, “I have to get away, things are really bad, and I need help”. These were words I have been waiting to hear from her since I first learned of her situation.

The day she left, and I was on the way to pick her up (she was not “allowed” to drive and all her ID’s, license, passport, and bank cards were being held hostage) she started to send messages that the narcissist was trying to have her committed to the psych ward with the help of their “marriage therapist” who happens to live across the street and allows him to torment her from her home now. By the time I reached our meeting point she was being hauled away by ambulance and a police escort for an involuntary psychiatric evaluation because the narcissist said she was “off her meds and psychotic” after she told him she wanted a divorce.  

I rushed to the hospital and have been doing my own special advocate bat shit crazy on this case ever since. My own traumas flaring up as a result of such a similar situation. When she said thank you I realized all that those words meant because once you are in the depths of narcissistic hell the way out usually involves one of two options: disappear or just check out of life. Helping her can only be described as being the equivalent of giving spiritual CPR. There is no other option once you see and can label attempted soul murder.  You have no choice as a survivor but to go all in because we know first hand that nobody else will and that inaction from all involved could end up killing somebody.

I thought about the forums, groups and pages started by survivors geared toward narcissistic abuse awareness and in that moment, I was so proud of this entire community of healing warriors of narcissistic abuse.  I explained to my friend the nature of a narcissistic abuse survivor which is to advocate and fight for other survivors usually without question. I also explained that one day when this is over she will most likely be unable to stop herself from doing the same thing as many of us.

We hear the truth in a stranger’s story and almost in self-preservation we come to their aid because we know what it was like to be standing in their shoes alone. Once you become involved with other survivors you immediately identify with them. It seems to be a part of our own healing process to help other survivors see their way out.  Even more to the spirit of a survivor is our willingness to go above and beyond for justice in the defense of another survivor which is what makes this community so beautiful in the first place. The only way to go from victim to survivor of this form of abuse is to completely and utterly cut all contact with these predators and anyone associated with them.  This can be especially painful when they are blood family, but it is possible. 

From one survivor to another, it is an extremely long road to recovery, but you are no longer alone. We are waiting over here on the other side of that nightmare for you to join us on the road to healing and awareness. More specifically, we need you to help us create change within our legal system for all of the victims who have lost their lives to this silent abuse. We need you here to share your story.  So, if you are feeling, in this moment, that suicide is your only option just know that on the other side of that pain there is hope and there is purpose you just need to make it there and you CAN make it there.

Regards,









Wednesday, April 5, 2017

6 Ways to stop sabotaging your relationships after narcissistic abuse



Trauma and self sabotaging our relationships are common after narcissistic abuse







Dear Narcissist Problems,


       I have a big problem... I was in relationship with a narcissistic person for 10 years. I can see now all the things that my ex was doing to me and I learned a lot about narcissistic personality disorder. But recently I just had a situation with my friend and I’m a bit confused. We’ve known each other for 3 years she works in the same place as me. It’s a bit silly of a thing but a few weeks ago I asked her to bring me my bread machine back which I let her borrow as long as she needed and if I needed it back I would let her know.

     So I asked her to bring it back to me because she was going on holidays and I needed it before she went. She said that's ok just remind me. I did ask her again and got no response then the next day I asked again and she said she was very busy and she wouldn’t be back home after work.  Tomorrow she's going on holidays and anyway I can’t go to pick it up from her house. I said I’m very busy as well and I don't have time to go to her house to collect it (she borrowed it from me and took it from my house).

     Then she rang me upset that she doesn't like my attitude about it and why do I have a problem collecting it from her house. When I started explaining my point she interrupted and said “you know what stop it” I asked her to let me finish but she didn't and I just hung up. She rang again but I just text her I’m upset at the moment and I don't want to talk because I don't want to say something that I will regret later. She texted me some stupid thing like “if you’re angry bang something.”

     When she came back from holidays she was pretending that nothing happened. Which upset me the most because she wasn't nice to me. I just stop talking to her cause I need some time to think about it. But every single time I just feel upset I won't say sorry because I didn't do anything wrong just ask for something that belongs to me. A few situations happened over time when we have known each other but she never apologizes.

     I feel very confused she recently called me a bitch in front of my work mates and I’m so angry at her but she doesn't care. I feel like she has narcissistic behavior but I think I might be wrong. On the other hand I feel the way I felt when I was with my ex-partner. She's quite dominant and she intimidate me. I feel like I have to be careful about things I’m saying because she might get upset. Please give me some advice here...

Sincerely,

“The Bread Maker Bandit”

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Dear “Bandit”,

     There is a saying that if you want to get rid of a jerk friend then loan them $100 because you will never see them again. Well, I’m not so sure you loaned a jerk friend a bread maker. While I don’t want to say ignore red flags of abusers I do want to say we can’t start searching for abusive behaviors in everyone we meet after we’ve had a relationship with a narcissistic personality disordered abuser. As I read your story I started to wonder about the timing of your asking for the bread maker back.

     Yes it is your bread maker but I am not so sure your coworker was trying to hold it hostage. It very well maybe that they were just running out of time to get ready for a trip, and well it’s a bread maker. From the view point of your “friend” maybe it seemed to her as if she had all of these things to do which she probably told you about and she couldn’t wrap her mind around you wanting a bread maker back in that moment.

    At first I thought that she had hung up on you but then after reading your letter again I realize that you had hung up on her.  Putting myself in her shoes I think that I would be upset with you too.  Maybe she had explained numerous times that she couldn’t deliver the bread maker and nothing she could say was going to change that. We still need to be able to negotiate with people and meet them half way before labeling them a narcissist. After narcissistic abuse we need to remain open to putting ourselves in the shoes of others. This does not mean that you should allow people to use you but rather examine our own behaviors that could be contributing to any relationship problems. 

     I know this can be very hard after narcissistic abuse and we tend to look for the first sign of bad behavior to bail out of a relationship but we need to work on making sure we are being fair. Put yourself in the coworker’s shoes for a moment. She might have had this trip planned for a while so how long did you know about the trip? Was it a last minute deal or have you known for weeks?

     Personally, if I had told a friend I was going on a trip weeks in advance and then suddenly they needed their bread maker back the day before I left it would put me off a bit. Especially if there had been fair warning that I would be leaving town.  I’m not trying to blame you for your fight with the friend but by putting myself in your coworkers shoes if my friend said “here borrow this bread maker for as long as you would like” and then 24 hours before leaving on my trip that I might not be ready for they demanded their bread maker back.

     This also brings another question up for me. Did the friend take the trip with other friends and you were hoping to be invited? I can see how that would create a tension and a sudden demand for a bread maker. From my viewpoint on the situation I see both sides being slightly offended so you are both at the point of taking jabs at each other. Her with her hanging up and text message and you with your ignoring. It really does take two people to keep the line of communication going.

     I’m not saying you have to give this person another chance to be in your life or that you should deal with people who are disrespectful towards you. All I’m saying is to put yourself in the shoes of the other person before deciding they might be a narcissistic abuser. As for calling you a bitch, that is very disrespectful especially in front of coworkers BUT were you pushing any buttons such as bringing up the bread maker because you’ve been simmering in the bread maker anger since her trip?

     My advice is to reanalyze the situation and really reflect on it from both perspectives without her being mean eating you alive. Yes the bread maker is yours and your friend is most likely very aware of that but given the circumstances perhaps she thought you were being demanding and unthoughtful. I could understand needing something like a debit card or medication, a car, or anything else of extreme importance before someone goes on a trip but I’m trying to figure out an emergency need for a bread maker. I guess the biggest factor in the whole situation is, did she give the bread maker back when she returned from her trip? I really hope this somewhat helps.

     As for just getting out of the 10 year relationship with a narcissistic abuser there is a lot of work that goes into healing. It’s going to take a lot of support and also a lot of work trusting others to give us perspective on situations. I highly suggest if you are not in therapy to please seek a qualified therapist to help you work through your past relationship so you don’t keep repeating the same cycle with everyone you meet.

      Personally, I spent many years so afraid to trust people that I did look for reasons to push them away which is exactly why I say reanalyze the situation and get therapy. After these relationships we are so broken that we question absolutely everything and can even sabotage ourselves unknowingly. This is actually very normal behavior for victims of abuse where we subconsciously create situations to where we victimize ourselves.

Victims of Narcissistic Abuse often repeat the trauma 









     There was an article published in the Psychiatric Clinics of North America written by Bessel Van der Kolk MD called “The Compulsion to Repeat the Trauma Re-enactment, Revictimization, and Masochism. I will leave a link to the article below because I think it really might help you. This article describes what happens when we do not work through our trauma in that “the trauma is repeated on behavioral, emotional, physiologic, and neuroendocrinologic levels, whose confluence explains the diversity of repetition phenomena. (1989). The articles main focus is on how and why victims of abuse repeat the trauma perhaps due to our addiction to the abusive stimulus or our lack of ability to know how to proceed in life beyond that point.

     Van der Kolk stated that “Many traumatized people expose themselves, seemingly compulsively, to situations reminiscent of the original trauma” and he calls this “repetition compulsion”. So it’s not to say that we want to find fault in any and everything but first we must recognize that this is a very real possibility especially considering the situation with your friend of 3 years. I would not be ashamed if this is what has occurred but rather I would look at it as a wakeup call to get out there and work on the coping skills you might need.

     As abuse survivors, and with such long term abuse, our entire bodies have become used to that constant stimulus. The constant fight or flight, the anxiety, and turmoil almost becomes like a drug addiction as in it becomes a compulsion to seek that stimuli of abuse. This article also mentioned that “self-destructive activities were not primarily related to conflict, guilt and superego pressure, but to more primitive behavior patterns originating in painful encounters with hostile caretakers during the first years of life”. I know this sounds totally cliché but “what was your relationship like with your parents? I would examine that as well but with the help of a professional and in a therapeutic setting.

     This study also observed that of adults who had recently been in a traumatic situation “57 percent showed behavioral re-enactments, and 51 percent had recurrent intrusive images.”(1989). since you were essentially broken and traumatized by your relationship with the narcissistic abuser it is totally normal for you to re-enact that situation to where you are in conflict. The conflict itself probably released some anxiety for you and I wouldn’t doubt if this type of scenario happens a lot for you because it is normal behavior after being abused which is exactly why we need to seek professional help.

     It was brought to my attention that I should clear something up before proceeding onto the 6 ways to stop sabotaging your personal relationships. First, when I mention to seek therapy or professional help this has to be done before working on the second step which is responsibility or ownership of our actions. A soon to be life coach who has been studying and healing from narcissistic abuse for years mentioned that we can't be responsible for our actions if we are not aware of them. This is true, rather she said that we can only be held accountable for our actions. After examining the two definitions I realized she is right. Others can hold us accountable but in order to take responsibility we need to be aware of what we are doing.

     Further, In order to fully understand and make use of these steps trauma therapy would be required as it is abusive to suggest a victim of abuse would held responsible for behavior they are not aware of due to being abused as a coping mechanism. 


Some Helpful books on Trauma and Truama therapy






6 ways to stop sabotaging your personal relationships:


  1.   Examine your life long relationship patternsMany of us sabotage our relationships without even realizing that we are doing it. When this happens we perpetually place ourselves in situations that are unhealthy or toxic. When you examine your life long relationship patterns you want to go all the way back to your childhood and start with your relationship with your parents. Being victims of abuse we need to be very aware of the possibility that we may be contributing to our own demise.
  2. Be accountable for your role in the problems. It can be very easy to blame others for our relationship problems. We might even be escalating tensions and the destruction of our relationships by ignoring our involvement in the creation of the problems that are occurring. When you are in conflict with another person try to see past your hurt feelings and analyze if possibly you are also creating hurt feelings by your own behaviors and reactions. Be patient with yourself during this process and realize that you are not responsible for how you have learned to cope after abuse but you are still required to hold yourself accountable for your actions. You will learn about these dynamics in trauma therapy 
  3. Examine your expectations for the relationship. Whether you are trying to make a friend or if you are dating someone you need to really assess your expectations of that specific relationship. For instance, are you wanting to get married but your partner is only at a stage where they would not be comfortable talking about marriage. If your partner is not ready for marriage then constantly talking about marriage would definitely create an atmosphere of tension and eventual sabotage. Slow down and take it easy before rushing such an important relationship. Further, if we are expecting too much from our friends we might become overbearing and start to drain our friends causing them to shy away from the friendship. It would be good in this situation to ask yourself your motives for loaning personal items out to people for long term. Are you loaning people your things in order to have some kind of attachment or reason to communicate?
  4. Practice Patience yet don’t let others violate your boundaries. We can’t expect everyone to be perfect just as we are not perfect. We all have flaws and sensitivities. We can’t go through all of our relationships only looking for abusers and then bailing out at the first sign of trouble. Learning how to work through our relationship problems will help us create healthy relationships. However, if someone is clearly crossing boundaries and intentionally hurting you or using you then of course you shouldn’t put up with that behavior. When we begin to have problems and the other person is not willing to work on a solution then this is a good indication that this is a toxic relationship. Be patient with those who are willing to work on their own behavior and remember actions always speak louder than words.
  5. You Show people how to treat you!  Start paying attention to the way you are allowing people to treat you.  It is important to remember that we might actually be teaching people how to treat us by how we treat ourselves and by the behavior that we are willing to accept in others. When we continually allow people to disrespect us or put us down then it shows the world that this is acceptable behavior and it will only attract toxic people into our lives.  
  6. Set boundaries and enforce them. This course of action is especially difficult for victims of abuse as many of us have grown up in abusive homes. We have not learned the skills needed to build boundaries and then enforce them. We sometimes feel embarrassed by enforcing and keeping boundaries. This is something that each of us needs to assess and then work on so that we can’t stop sabotaging ourselves. If we are upset that people are crossing boundaries it will be meaningless if we don’t enforce them.

       As for the “Bread Maker Bandit” this might be a situation where you are not dealing with a narcissistic abuser but rather failing to set clear boundaries in your relationships. Again, I am not trying to discredit your perception of the situation with your friend but if you are not in therapy please consider exploring the possibility that you are now sabotaging yourself and your other relationships. Good luck to you on your healing journey!


Regards,







Read more at Narcissistproblems.com

Sunday, April 2, 2017

End the narcissistic nightmare and go no contact in ten steps

Stop allowing your narcissist to hang you out to dry and go no contact like a boss.




Dear Narcissist Problems,

Hi there, came across your page, and wondering if I can ask for advice? Thanks in advance it’s a really long story, short version I think my ex is a narcissist and he's still in my life. I've done the usual google to check but wanted to ask someone. 

A few of the things he's done - I met him at work in 2010, he told me he was divorced/ separated, he lied.  He got me sacked from my job and made me have an abortion. I would end it, and he'd contact me, he accused me then after 3 years of harassment and then took me to court, he even put me on a two year restraining order. My dog died in January 2016, he then messages me, knew about the dog dying and also knew about personal things in my life, as I'd gone back to college. He flirted, saying it's good to see me, how he's missed me and that he wants his friend back. He also said if he wasn't married I should know he'd be with me.

He manages to twist things, if it's his fault somehow it's mine, like with court I asked why did he take it that far? His answer “you were being a dick, so I was". Sorry probably too much information but I'd appreciate any advice I don't know if you can help at all? Or if it applies to what this page is about.

 Some examples: I'd ask to meet up, email or phone to talk. Because in the past he'd message me out of blue, after he'd ended the relationship, he created other accounts online to contact me, so I shouldn't of but I did the same to try to talk to him as I loved him. I was a bit of a pain. And I'd message I'd been told not to but didn't think that would happen. So much happened it's hard to explain but I'll try my best. The police weren't interested in my side. He came across as the victim to them. When I'm sure I am. Even officials at court said to be careful because it sounds like he's got it in for you. Also during the order, he would follow me online, create an account and show up.

Sincerely,

“I'm a hot mess”



Dear “Hot Mess”,

Oh you definitely made it to the right place! There is no doubting that any longer. This is your official validation that you are now amongst others who know exactly what you are going through and I can’t think of a better place for you to be at the moment. Please join our support group and you will quickly realize exactly how not alone you are right now (and in the right place)!

The first thing I need to say is get this person out of your life like yesterday! He is an abuser! He might not be hitting you but he is emotionally, psychologically, coercively, and reproductively abusing you. A person doesn’t need to hit you in order for them to be an abuser. There is a cycle to all this madness when dating a narcissist and it goes like this: idealize (love bomb or reel you back in), devalue (tear you down), then discard (throw you away again). This guy has this cycle down to a T.

            Think of all the pain and heartache and grief this person has caused you. Do you really want to deal with this for another five years? This is what you need to do immediately which is to go NO CONTACT. Every time he ignores you for months (silent treatment/discard) and then finally sends a message and you reply is a HUGE power surge for him.

 He doesn’t miss you or care about you, it is ALL ABOUT HIM and the way it makes him feel knowing that he has torn your life apart and still you have left a space for him. “Friends” don’t get restraining orders against each other. “Friends” don’t force each other to have abortions. Our “Friends” are not married and secretly having affairs with us. He likes the feeling of knowing that he OWNS YOU and nothing more.

            I don’t want to sound harsh but I really need to get this point across to you. I talk to men and women every single day who have wasted YEARS and DECADES of their lives with partners just like the one you described above. Please don’t do this to yourself. You are going to need therapy! A normal friendship does not result in the need for intensive therapy focused on treating trauma.

First thing is first: Document the Crazy


I don’t know how long the restraining order was for but I’m going to let you in on a little secret. This man is saving EVERY single interaction you have with him and he now has the power to have you arrested because you are in violation of a court order. So what you need to be doing is documenting each time he contacts you.

 Let him know that you are not ok with him contacting you. Report to the police each time he contacts you. And take his ass back to court and get your own restraining order. You know what…. I’m going to throw in a link so you can ask a lawyer any questions you have regarding this case free and anonymously and you can go from there.

This narcissistic jacka&& (excuse my language, so sorry, I could change that word but honestly there is no other word to describe him at the moment) is ALSO going to use the documentation of your interactions to further coerce and blackmail you. If you ever threaten or he thinks you might try to contact the police or his wife he will use this “evidence” to make you shut up with the threat of jail time. YOU DON’T NEED THIS OR DESERVE THIS. As I stated above you need to go full blown NO CONTACT with this narcissistic loser and I’ll explain exactly what that means.
  

GOING NO CONTACT WITH A NARCISSIST IS A PROCESS


Some people decide upon going low contact which is to have minimal interactions with a narcissist as needed. These situations usually involve close family members or when you share children.  Usually when one starts the process of low contact they quickly realize that no contact is required because narcissists do not respect and never will respect your boundaries. Low contact is usually maintained as the result of a court order that forces parents to interact in regards to their children.

 In this situation, you need to go full blown no contact. What this means is that this is it. Keeping this person in your life will only result in more harm and destruction and you need to sever all ties completely. Once you go No Contact there is no going back. There will not be one last phone call or one last chance for them to explain things. They have proven themselves to be a toxic abuser. You have tried to fix the relationship numerous times and nothing has ever changed. You have officially reached the end of your rope. You have no option but to cut them out of your life because the abuse will never end.
Some people, typically abusers, love to point out that their victim has been giving them the “silent treatment” when they go No Contact.  So let’s take a moment to clarify that No Contact is NOT the silent treatment.  These are two completely different things and a distinction should be made at this point to clear up any confusion.

The silent treatment is a tactic that abusers use to manipulate their victims into compliance. An abuser will give their victim the silent treatment in order to control the behavior of the victim.  In your situation the silent treatment may have been utilized in order to get you to agree with having an abortion.

If you wanted to keep the baby and he did not he might have ignored you until you changed your mind. This is also known as coercion and reproductive abuse…. Which are two different types of abuse you should look up because I’m trying to get to a point but there is so much crazy to a narcissist that it gets a little difficult! (So note to self: look up Coercive control and reproductive abuse after I read this). Ignoring a person until they agree with you is not No Contact, it is the silent treatment.


GO NO CONTACT WITH A NARCISSIST LIKE A BOSS IN TEN STEPS


1.    ACCEPT THAT THIS IS THE END


You have accepted that your abuser will not change and have exhausted all avenues to maintain and repair the relationship. They have consistently shown you that they have no desire to change and they also probably see nothing wrong with their behavior which only reinforces your need to protect yourself.

 There is ZERO manipulation of another person involved with going No Contact. We do not go no contact hoping for them to change. We go no contact with the acceptance that they will never change and we need to protect ourselves from further abuse. With that said we can now get into what it will take to go no contact.

2.   ASSESS THE LEVEL OF CRAZY YOU ARE DEALING WITH


 Only you can gage how manipulative your narcissist can be. Close your eyes and picture what lengths they will go to in order to contact you and manipulate you back into the relationship. Think of the most outrageous stunt you think they would pull. Think of who they might contact trying to find you.

Think of all the crazy that will take place when they are in a rage at your decision to never speak to them again. Has your narcissist been known to get violent while in a narcissistic rage? How vindictive are they or have you seen them be? Have you ever seen them or have they ever told you that they destroyed someone’s property before? Do they break things when angry like throwing dishes against walls when in an argument? Vandalize property as payback when wronged in the past? Do they stalk? Have you ever seen them entice others into violence on their behalf? If you know or your gut is telling you that these things are possible then follow that natural instinct because whatever you think they are capable of doing they will.

Now multiply your expectations of manipulation, rage, revenge, stalking, and destruction of property by 1000. You can NEVER truly gage the level of crazy that will take place but I can guarantee you that it will reach a level that not even you could have imagined.

3.   MAKE A LIST OF WAYS THEY MIGHT CONTACT YOU


This really is like going to war and what you are fighting for is your freedom and sanity. List all of your social media accounts, emails, phone numbers, mutual friends, co-workers, neighbors, and on and on and on.

Really spend some time thinking about people that should be on this list. This could include your best friend little Kimmie from first grade you told him about one time or your Aunt Florence 3 states away.

Also make a list of “safe” people. These would be people that you know you can trust. They don’t know your narcissist and your narcissist has no way of knowing who they are. These are people that the narcissist will not be able to manipulate in any way, shape, or form into betraying you or telling the narcissist where you are. These people will also not be able to bring back little pieces of information that the narcissist wants them to tell you. Inform a few of your “safe” people, or even just one, of what you are dealing with. Don’t be embarrassed.

This is not the same as recruiting flying monkeys either where others are used to punish and harass on the behalf of a narcissist. This is so you have people who will check on you to make sure you are still with us on planet earth. These are also people who you can trust with your email and social media account information because you might need them to log into accounts later on in case you are harassed so they can print the documentation of the harassment so you don’t read everything and then start replying. If you can’t trust yourself to not respond to online contact then you need someone to do this for you.

No contact is the end. There is no need to continue defending yourself against their verbal attacks. There is also no need to continuously get hurt by all the awful things they are telling you in email or the mind games they are playing with their fake profiles.

4.  BE PREPARED FOR THE LONG HAUL


 Go buy a flash drive to save anything from online like pictures or videos and documents. A blank notebook to document anything that might happen as well as a quick summary of what you did everyday, and a nice plastic storage folder/binder.

 You can also find some really inexpensive security cameras on Amazon, I’ll link a couple in. Well... I found one that was kind of expensive but its a freakin water bottle........ I'm not saying to buy spy cam's to stalk anyone but you do need to protect yourself. When you go no contact expect this person to rise to an entirely new level of crazy and this might involve the destruction of your property or breaking into your property. If its possible have a camera pointed at the front and back of your home.

 Some of the cameras below have night vision.... epic. Oh and one allows you to view remotely. Spy glasses? Seriously, I wish I had glasses that recorded every conversation with my narcissist! "Oh really, that never happened??? Well lets see what the footage from our conversation on April 2nd 2010 at approximately 5:47 p.m. was really all about shall we??"...... Let me just say if nobody has noticed I'm pretty serious about my legal documentation only because if I had been documenting all along I wouldn't have been blindsided in the first place so DOCUMENT THE CRAZY!!!

Let me get my inspector gadget on here:



5.  TELL THEM YOU DON’T WANT THEM TO CONTACT YOU


 Make it known that you want no further contact with them and make sure its in writing. This doesn’t mean take an ad out in the local paper. What this means is that they are aware (in the eyes of the law) that they should not be contacting you after this point. Any future contact is unwanted. This point of no contact will usually happen when they show up to your home or job after you have ignored some calls and emails. They will begin to push your boundaries at this point to see what you will let them get away with. Do Not Budge.

The only and final reaction they should get from you at this point is a written cease and desist statement. Most people would say “oh god honey just ignore them and be done with it”. I don’t suggest taking this route for one reason, documentation for court. You want to have it in writing either through an email that sends an alert when it’s been opened or through certified mail STAMPED WITH A DATE AND TIME and possible signature upon certified delivery from the post office.

Why? Because you’re probably going to need a restraining order. If you don’t have documentation that you didn’t want to be contacted then how would the narcissist know? They will just lie and say they had no idea.  Further, in most states now if there is a restraining order both parties are in violation of that order if contact is initiated. Document those violations!

Keep in mind, he isn’t used to you saying “no” and he has already taken you to court once. Do WHATEVER you need to do but get it documented that you don’t want any contact and make it clear that you WILL follow through with legal action if he does not desist from any future contact. You should be calling the police every time that order is violated by him because I promise you he will try to turn that around as if you were contacting him if he can, I’ll talk about how in step 7. This is useful information for men and women because narcissists are well known to come in both genders.

6.    BLOCK THE NARCISSIST ONLINE


You are going to have some things to take care of.  Take out the list you made in step 2 and go through all of your online accounts and block all of his accounts so that it is impossible for him to contact you online. If need be make new accounts for everything and DO NOT SHARE THESE ACCOUNTS WITH ANYONE THE NARCISSIST KNOWS.

Further, manage your privacy settings on ALL social media so that they can’t spy on you. Make sure if you join a support group online that you are either able to use an alias or that the settings are “secret”. I honestly suggest making alias profiles in any situation where you are talking about your life online.

If a social media platform prohibits the use of an alias then don’t talk about your life at all on that account. Don’t share your location, pictures, people you hang out with, where you work, or anything else you’re your abuser will be able to use to locate you with. Facebook says they care about harassment but they are light years behind narcissistic stalkers and their policies do zilch to protect victims of stalking.

Make sure to delete anyone on your friend’s lists that you don’t know because they just might be one of his fake accounts. I personally did not use my name on social media for 4 years after going no contact. I made an account about six months ago with my name to test the waters. I have had to verify my identity to Facebook over 10 times already. Every time I log into my account and have any activity I get reported. Every. Single. Time.  

Make new email accounts and give a trusted friend access to your email that he contacts you through so your friend can check for messages. When he creates fake accounts to contact you have your friend print the emails, comments, and other online attempts to contact you. Take out your nice plastic binder and add each new encounter and keep these records in a safe place.

7.  CHANGE YOUR PHONE NUMBER


 This might seem a bit excessive but trust me on this one. You don’t want them to have your phone number and probably not for the reason you are thinking. Anyone with a smartphone can officially send text messages to cell phones and home phones these days. I will only cite one good reason to change your number as soon as you read this.

There is this nifty new app called a caller ID Spoofer. You need to protect yourself from the very real possibility that your narcissist will use this app to send themselves text messages from your phone number and then use those text messages to further harass you with court and police action. Please don’t end up in jail because you didn’t change your number.

 All they have to do is set the app up to send a text from your phone number to theirs with a statement like “When I see you I’m gonna beat the ever living crap out of you and torture you for weeks before finally finishing you off with my bare hands” and BAM! Just like that you might go to prison for not only violating your restraining order but threatening their life! Trust me, this just happened to someone in our support group and thank god they changed their phone number beforehand and the narcissist got caught!

8.    MOVE


Get as far away from them as possible and don’t look back.  If and when you move DO NOT tell ANYONE your new address. Get a P.O. Box and use that for utilities, driver’s license, and anything else. You don’t want to have to deal with this all over again in 2 years after these vulture companies start selling your contact information and you end up on one of those sites where you can look up anyone’s address on public record. Move as far away as humanly possible. If it’s possible to leave the planet and live on Mars at this point do it! Narcissists will NEVER stop hunting you down.

9.    CUT OUT ANYONE NOT 110% SUPPORTIVE OF YOUR CHOICE TO GO NO CONTACT


You really need to treat this as you would a cancerous tumor. You wouldn't cut half a tumor out and if you remove cancer you can't leave pieces of it behind or it will only grow back. This is alot like removing narcissists and flying monkeys from our lives. You gotta get it all or the disease will remain and slowly fester into your demise.

This is an especially difficult decision for those who need to go No Contact with abusive family members. If you need to go No Contact with a parent then you also need to accept and grieve the loss of many other family members who perpetuate, instigate, or condone the abuse. Many survivors of abuse find themselves utterly alone. Narcissistic abuse destroys generations of family members. Here is the thing though, if the abuse doesn’t stop with you, then where will it? With your children and you? With you and your grandchildren?

Narcissistic personality disordered children grow into parents and then grow into grandparents. I know I’m going to hear from the one “recovering” narcissist out there of how I should have compassion because narcissists are people too and they are capable of change but here is the thing; they aren’t. There is no known cure for this personality disorder. Many of those who suffer from it will never even be diagnosed because they will never see themselves as a problem. Do I feel bad for telling thousands of abuse victims that their narcissist will never change? Hell No. Go find another website for your cause if you’re here to convince people that anyone with a cluster B will change so I should have compassion. I’ve had 33 years of compassion….. I’m all compassioned out when it comes to narcissistic abusers. Sorry not Sorry.

Moving along, you will find that people might try to shame you, guilt you, and manipulate you back into contact with the narcissist. They will pretend to care about you. Ask you questions about your life. They want all the details. Here is another thing, they don’t give a shit about you they just want something juicy to tell your narcissistic abuser right after they hang up with you. They are also probably recording the conversation. Cut anyone who is not 100% for you out of your life. You’ve got a lot of work to do with yourself and you don’t need any more anchors holding you under water. You’re damaged enough and now it’s time to heal.


10.   DO NOT BREAK NO CONTACT! STAY THE COURSE!


A narcissist will try every trick in the book to get you back into the cycle of abuse. They will say someone died when they haven’t. Hell…. One lady had a narcissist fake his own death and then he made up family members to call and harass her to “release” the body. She didn’t find out it was a lie until going to the coroner’s office. Anyway, they will try to get your pity, they will try to intimidate you, they will try to send others to sway you, and then when everything fails they will get downright destructive. If you do disappear, mark my words, they are sitting there waiting for some sign of you. Relentlessly googling your name for the hopes some new information will pop on Google. They will even hire private investigators to find you. Whatever they attempt DO NOT BREAK NO CONTACT!

I won’t promise this will be an easy journey but I promise that it will be worth it if you do maintain No Contact. You need to do you. You need to heal you. You need to get into therapy specialized for those who have experienced trauma. Most importantly you need to maintain no contact. Take a moment to realize that the narcissist will never stop. By going no contact with your abuser you have become a lifelong enemy. They will stop at nothing to seek and destroy. They will use numerous methods to get you to engage with them again.

They will even pretend to forgive you so that they can reel you back in. Once you feel confident that they might have possibly changed. They finally realized the abuse they had caused. When you finally feel at peace, loved, an appreciated. When you finally feel like this is a real relationship, a real bond, and all hurdles were overcome they will strike down with a vengeance like the wrath of Satan. Narcissists do not forgive. Narcissists do not forget. Narcissists do not change.

I really did not mean to write a book here but this is serious and there is so much more that I wanted to get into especially regarding the abortion. It doesn’t matter if he is a narcissist or not because one thing is clear to me. This person is an abuser and has no sense of boundaries even when it comes to your body. What’s his is his and what is yours is his and that really takes a pair of brass ones if you get my drift. I really hope that this helped you somewhat. Please start looking for a therapist that specializes in trauma and take these steps to protect yourself mentally and legally. I really wish you luck because it is a really long road to heal after narcissistic abuse.

Regards,



Narcissist Problems


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