Dear Narcissist Problems,
Hey I'm really struggling with my
narc at the moment. He walked away from
our child for 2 years for a woman and when it suited him ( because they had broken
up ) he wanted my son in his life again I struggled for months with this I know
what he's capable of he has emotionally traumatized my wee boy. The only reason
I let him is because I used to have a serious drinking problem but am 3 years
sober now and I could see how I was guilty of a lot myself like: played games,
I provoked him purposely, I would always go back to him not that that excused
his behavior. He was cold, nasty, and
unhuman towards me and my children but I can see my part. Since getting sober I have learned to be
healthy and have boundaries and good people around me and I have my faith so I thought
since I had changed maybe he could too.
This went against everything I knew about narcs but 2 years and my son
was still crying every night for dad so I let him back but with very strict
boundaries and the last several months he has been good. He still tries to play
games and snarky comments and mind games and the flirting despite him having a
new gf but I shut it down n don't play into it.
This weekend after having 2 sick kids all week he had my son stay and
started playing games with refusing to go get him medicine or letting me bring
any over...eventually he did but he wound me up for a hour thinking my son was
going to go without while he was sick and he loved that he got a reaction. I
had sensed it was driving him nuts not being able to get a reaction for so long
when I used to be so predictable so I think he knew how exhausted I was and
jumped on his chance. Nobody I talk to understands why this has upset me so
much but it's because I can see he's still exactly the same cold narcissist
he's always been. Using my child's wellbeing to get a reaction from me it
brought up all the stuff he's done to us in past. I try to not judge him on the
past but it's hard. Everyone I've spoken to keeps saying no matter what he's
still his father he has a right to have overnight access but after that I don't
want to send him I wouldn't stop it completely that would mess with my boy but
I don't want him there overnight by himself.
It reminded me I don't trust him with our child despite a few months of
ok behavior I know who he is. I
desperately need advice on what I should do? There's no custody agreement as he
walked away for so long so balls in my court. I want my son to have a dad but
I'm scared of the damage it's doing by me giving him chance after chance. I get
what others are saying that he needs to learn to be a dad and be patient but do
narcs actually love their kids? Am I doing serious damage letting this man in his
life?
Sincerely,
“Parental Concerns”
Dear “Concerned”,
I’m really
glad you threw in that last part about there not being a custody agreement
because that was my first question.
Nobody wants to be a parental alienator.
Further, you have no control over his decision to abandon your child’s
life. You have no control over this man’s
manipulative behavior either. I would immediately
stop any unsupervised visits until there is a court order in place. I would also urge against overnight visits at
all. This man has been absent from your child’s
life for years. While yes he needs to “learn
how to parent” it is not your job to teach him or your child’s duty to be a
guinea pig. Your past mistakes are mute
at this point. You have taken the steps
to make your life right and are working on yourself to become a better person
and to have a positive role in your life.
Stop the visits and site the withholding of medication as a sole
reason. If you did something like this
the government would have your ass in court for medical neglect in a heartbeat,
especially if something bad happened to the child as a result of the medicine
being withheld. Here is the thing, we
are not psychic…or doctors. We are
mothers who are put into place to look after the best interest of our
children. You could not know if the
withholding of medicine would seriously harm your child. At this point, every encounter this man has
with your child is evidence for a judge that he has a relationship with said
child. It’s not that you are trying to
prevent this man from being a father.
What you need to do is get a court order in place that will allow this
transition to take place safely. Your
goal is to have your child build a healthy and stable relationship with his
father. However, manipulating you so
early on is a huge red flag that you need to ignore all of the advice you are receiving
and head straight into a court. Good
Luck to you and stand firm! No more
unsupervised visits until this man proves he is capable of having them. It’s one thing to ask for supervised visits
for a father who has always been there for his child. It’s quite another to give unsupervised
visits to a known abuser who abandon the child for years. Stand strong and call the police if you need
to. I would have called the police the
minute he started playing games with the child’s health.
Regards,
Narcissist Problems
