Showing posts with label Financial abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Financial abuse. Show all posts

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Soul Murder Via Spiritual Cannibalism: A Slow Death by The Machiavellian Exploitation of One’s Mind

Soul Murder Via Spiritual Cannibalism




A Slow Death by The Machiavellian Exploitation of One’s Mind


When we hear the terms murder or manslaughter we usually only think of the physical death of the body via the negligent or willful actions of another. It is something typically done with intention resulting from hate, anger, or a rage that you can feel, see, and touch. You can point a finger to a cause of death and find the weapon and eventually the killer. You can hold someone accountable for murder and manslaughter. Many rarely think of attempted murder as the repeated and intentional cruelty inflicted upon another in the form of berating, ostracizing, damaging the good character of, or tainting the victim in a negative light to all who will encounter them.

There is another form of death perpetrated by narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths that is spiritually cannibalistic in nature and an encounter with one of these individuals results in a long drawn out affair of soul annihilation. There is nothing quick or painless about it.  This experience leaves many pleading for a physical death as they reach into their very core in search of one last shard of hope in a bottomless pit of despair.


Soul Murder is The Direct Result of Spiritual Cannibalism

Soul cannibalism results in soul murder and is a highly calculated, concealed, and methodical form of attempted murder where the essence of the victim’s being is literally devoured by the abuser as if the victim’s soul sustains their life force.  They will continue to feed until there is nothing left but an empty shell of a former human being. The term “soul murder” was first coined by 19th century playwright Henrik Ibsen who defined it as, “the destruction of the love of life in another human being.”  Soul murder was then brought into modern psychiatric dialog in 1991 by psychoanalyst Leonard Shengold in two books on the topic as primarily applied to childhood neglect and deprivation. Therein “soul murder” was given a name and legitimacy.

Soul Murder is nothing short of when the soul is shattered and maimed as a result of prolonged exposure to coercive control and covert abuse.  One’s identity, essence, and contentment with life are indisputably eradicated from existence. This process often takes years or even decades before the actual death of the physical body.  It is not quick with a few moments of bloodshed as seen with a legally chargeable offense.  The end result is a victim left with no choice but to put an end to the misery once and for all.

Shengold articulately wrote that Soul Murder is to deprive an individual “of his or her own identity and ability to experience joy in life.” He described the phenomenon as resulting from tactics such as arbitrary edicts and a chronic lack of empathy which cause a victim’s vitality, confidence and joy to slowly erode, until the victim’s soul is completely gone.
As many survivors of psychological and emotional abuse can attest leaving this hell on earth usually only becomes possible once we can name and validate our experiences.  Until reaching the point of comprehension in that we are experiencing psychological or emotional abuse we are standing there scratching our heads while attending therapy once a week trying to pinpoint what is wrong with us and how to fix it.


Soul Cannibals are Difficult to Pinpoint


Soul Cannibals are found in every walk of life from your church pews to the seediest of dive bars.  There isn’t a stereotypical look of these toxic executioners, but you can almost bet these predators are well liked and stellar members of society.  Either that or they can take on the role of perpetual victim and need your help as a great problem solver which makes them even more difficult to spot. 

Moreover, they will use numerous strategies to bait their victims in which makes it very difficult to spot outright. It can even be very difficult for someone who is aware of soul cannibalism to spot one of these predators.  In turn, those who are not familiar with or previously exposed to this type of attempted murder are unable to comprehend it. The inability for many to name and pinpoint soul cannibalism and soul murder results in victims who are not being believed, dragging them further down the spiral of invalidation, delegitimization, self-doubt and erosion of being. 

Those who commit soul murder can take on many roles and come from even the most sacred relationships.  The soul cannibal could be a relative, friend, spouse, or neighbor.  In other words, they could be anyone, they are everywhere, and it is almost impossible to know who they are until you have already been reeled in for their abuse.  However, their behaviors will almost always give them away.  These perpetrators all use the same weapons so trust your gut and if something tells you things are not right then look for the following behaviors. 

Soul murder Weapons: Gas Lighting, Character Assassination, Crazy-Making

Narcissistic, psychopathic, and sociopathic abuse takes place when one of these personality disordered individuals attempt to convince their victim, slowly over months or years, that they are “crazy”.  At the same time, they will campaign against their victims by informing the rest of the world all the things wrong and all the wrong doing done to them by the actual victim. 

They paint themselves in a great light and as the protector and savior to the real victim.  They are only trying to help.  They have no idea why the victim is so angry.  The victim must have a chemical imbalance. They are so concerned for the victim and they need your help to help them! They make an unwarranted effort to earn the love of the victim’s family and friends.  This effort will pay off years down the road when all have been triangulated against each other forcing the victim into further isolation and depression. 

These predators employ an arsenal of methods such as character assassination and gaslighting. The Gaslighting will be used in order to get their victim(s) to doubt their own sanity and wonder if they are the one at fault, the “crazy one”.  After instance of gaslighting will also be used to assassinate the character of the victim to others as they are told that you are “irrational” “illogical” or “psychotic” because of XYZ (insert your reaction to manipulated situation created by the soul cannibal exclusively to piss you off).

Survivors of attempted soul murder and those around them have their perception of reality intentionally skewed.  The victim’s flaws are exaggerated and expanded upon and then used to convince others of their “pathologies”.  Little quirks will be blown into the victim having a full-fledged disorder according to their abuser. The finger is chronically pointed at the victim who typically will spend numerous hours trying to find out exactly what is wrong with them rather than question the accusations being made in the first place. 

How Soul Cannibals Accomplish Soul Murder


For example, spending money on an expensive item, or even on basic needs, will be turned into the victim being bi-polar and spending out of control which results in all financial assets being turned over to the coercive control of their “caretaker”. The victim may even end up agreeing with any unqualified diagnosis their perpetrator throws at them based upon the exaggerations made by their murderous tormentor.  These unqualified diagnoses are further solidified as fact when the perpetrator begins getting involved in the victim’s medical care.  

Initially the victim trusts their abuser and usually will not question the abuser when they want to speak with medical staff alone.  This opportunity is used to alert all doctors and psychologists that the victim is a pathological liar and then lists all the criteria for whatever diagnosis they have labeled their victim with. With their flaws magnified the victim inadvertently agrees with statements made to medical staff pertaining to their own behavior.  “Why yes I did spend a lot of money last week” not aware that the abuser has told the staff that the victim drained their bank account. These little instances will add up to a proper diagnosis that will help the perpetrator get away with financial exploitation, among other abuses.

Situations are literally manufactured, and the truth becomes so obscured that the victim of this psychological warfare begins to doubt themselves. This can be done by omitting important details of a situation or by outright lying that key events never took place.  When confronted with the truth the abuser will have such a convincing reaction and be so emphatic with their response that you begin to doubt your own perception of that key event. The soul cannibal will come up with some extremely convincing lies baked in a half- truth pie. They will also do and say things to deliberately upset their victims. When the victim asserts themselves and demands truth, they are then put down, mocked, or shamed for overreacting or misunderstanding the intentions of their soul murderer. 

The erosion of self is escalated when the predator makes light of and invalidates anything the victim is feeling. In normal human relationships there is usually a mutual give and take of sharing our perceptions and feelings when we feel hurt.  This is the opportunity an empathy less predator takes to invalidate the victim’s feelings and opinions.  They take this a step further by berating the victim’s choices and calling them illogical or irrational. 
These predators will literally put down and then laugh at their victims when they react to the abuse and then slowly get others to join in on their abuse.  

When the victim brings up valid points or begins to question their tormentor they will be told that they simply have a very large imagination. Those who experience this type of invalidation have their reality so distorted that they end up apologizing for mistakes and transgressions the abuser made.  The focus turns to the victims out of control reaction or illogical thoughts rather than on the actual behavior or series of manufactured events that created the reaction in the first place.

If the victim decides to leave the relationship and sever ties with their abuser, then this predator puts every stop in the road that they can possibly dream up. The abuse turns from covert to very overt.  The victim is no longer questioning the abuse because they are able to name the relationship dynamics as abusive. The gig is up, and you are on to them and they know it.  With this one truth the soul cannibal becomes hell bent on destroying their victim.

At this point the soul assassin begin to harass them, relentlessly spy on them, follow them, call their job to get them fired, call social services to report them as bad parents, and call their family and friends to let them know the victim has gone psychotic and they need help.  These killers systematically dismantle all that their victims know and love.  They destroy any relationship the victim has with people who would normally help them.
Isolation and a skewed self- perception is the reality for many victims of psychological and emotional abuse. 

Yes, there is another form of murder that a human may experience which is not physical at first but often results in suicide if the victim remains in the relationship. Victims of these soul predators are indisputably turned into the walking dead as they are lost drudging through their daily life unaware of the covert tactics being inflicted upon them.  There is a fog a victim ends up walking through during their daily life that leaves the abuse just outside of conscious awareness.  Those who experience this abuse are so tormented they sometimes wish, hope, and pray for the official follow through of being murdered because a physical death appears to be the only way to put an end to the suffering. 

Most people don’t get it, they don’t understand that what we have gone through was unmistakably attempted murder.  It is an attempt at murder that unfortunately one will not fully understand until they have experienced it. We don’t have broken bones or bleeding wounds to alert others that we are dying and in desperate need of help.  We only have our bleeding hearts and shattered souls. We have a death rattle in our breathing, but it can’t be heard.  There is no way to ask someone to throw out a life raft in this ocean of sorrow so that we may be pulled to safety because there is no apparent danger of drowning. We are drowning from the inside out and may not even realize we need to be saved until it is too late. 


How Soul Cannibals Get Away with Murder, Time and Time Again


Well, narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths are masters at manipulating people.  Not only do they spend exorbitant amounts of time manipulating their victims they are also manipulating everyone else who comes into contact with the victim.  They are universally known by survivors of this type of abuse to be great at painting the victims as unstable and irrational which results in their being ostracized and isolated from family, friends and supports.  Soul cannibals expertly hide their abusive and coercive behavior by concealing it in false concern.

The soul cannibal is a chameleon and smooth talker. Everything is done behind a veil and always behind the scenes. The abuse is carefully orchestrated in order to make the predator look good and the victim look bad, REALLY bad. To those watching from the outside nothing will seem amiss most of the time except the problems and issues the victim is having.  This happens because manipulative and coercive tactics take place secretly, outside of people's awareness, and any “issues” are easily explained away by the abuser.

Couple this secrecy with years of manipulation of people and environment and it becomes impossible for professionals who enter the scene late in the stage to see that the victim does not have a chemical imbalance in need of regulating or a mood disorder. They have years of hospital records pointing to the victim as having problems. This is solidified by the fact that most victims are by then brainwashed to never tell anyone what is going on inside of the relationship with their abuser. The victim has been properly groomed to protect their tormentor. When these victims finally reach the end of their rope and commit suicide all factors point toward chronic depression, mood disorders, chemical imbalances and not abuse.


The End Result: Soul Murder or Soul Rape

The victim is eventually forced into an existential house of mirrors of not knowing what their reality is because their abuser has altered and put a spin on even the smallest of perceptions. When leaving a relationship like this it doesn’t matter if the soul murderer was a friend, spouse, or close relative the result is the same.  The victim feels tainted and dirty and unable to wash away the “sin”.  When victims get out alive they have been soul raped. Those who are not so lucky are soul murdered via suicide.

Repeatedly, the victim is forced to question what the abuser says to them, about them, and to others. They are left in the pure filth and taint of being labeled as and treated by others as a pathological liar, a thief, or worse the abuser of their abuser!  The psychological manipulation is done largely outside of conscious awareness. These survivors are eventually conditioned to think of themselves as crazy, evil, “damaged goods,” etc.  - just what the soul cannibal wants them to believe.

The Soul Murderer, when carrying out these covert campaigns, goes faceless and undercover to everyone outside of the relationship so no one will ever know about their abuse and no one will be held accountable. The longer time goes by and the more the victim tries to defend themselves against the onslaught of coercive tactics, the more severe the abuse inevitably becomes. The narcissist, psychopath, or sociopath has ahead of time arranged a cavalcade of unwitting “flying monkeys” - other people who believe the abuser’s stories who help to drive the victim to madness. The flying monkeys may even be abusers themselves, so they enjoy the thrill of the hunt along with their predator friend.

To sooth their own relentless existential torment, in a life that has become devoid of joy and meaning, the victim may turn to drugs or alcohol as a means of escape which enforces the abuser’s accusations that the victim is out of control. They generally develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and/or complex traumatic stress disorder as a result of not being able to release their tension, anxiety, and emotional suffering for years as they endured their own attempted murder. The course of events is inevitable should the victim not receive help. The abuser will never quit abusing and the victim will be eradicated to the core resulting in their devaluation, dehumanization, and suicide.

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Soul Death Can Take Years, Even Decades


The process of soul murder can occur over the course of years and decades - even thirty years or more. And the victim knows all too well that even if they did escape the situation the abuser would follow and torment them for the rest of their life.  Ruining all future relationships and jobs, thus decimating their future life. The soul cannibal has become, in essence, omnipotent.

The victim will be made to feel like they are literally worthless.  They are nothing in this world left to stew in an irrefutable existential torment. A victim will eventually feel no meaning in life, have nowhere to go and that nobody wants them -  except for the narcissistic, psychopathic, or sociopathic abuser. The process is complete. They are literally a hostage to the parasitic soul murderer. Their joy for life has departed leaving the victim too weak to even claw their way out of the depths of hell.  The journey seems impossible.


From Death of Soul to Death of Body


Soul murder victims all too often carry the secret of the abuse to their graves, unable to articulate or receive legal or psychological validation they sadly frequently take their own lives by suicide. Some victims may not even want to kill themselves intentionally but rather desperately seek to escape through drugs/alcohol and end in accidental death.

Others may not turn to substance abuse at all, but may end up suffering chronic medical issues from the relentless stress, which will lead to their physical death.  Stress is a proven cause of a myriad of health problems, such as stroke and heart attack, many of which can be fatal even if one happens to escape their abuser.  

The end result is either death by suicide or death by stress. This type of abuse is the gift from hell that keeps on giving because even in the best of situations the victim will be riddled with permanent health issues created by the stress.


Speaking About the Unspeakable

Suicide is such a taboo topic especially speaking about it after the deed has been done.  It is almost sacrilegious to point a finger at another human being after the suicide of a loved one and say, “this happened because of you!” and then hold that person accountable for their actions that ultimately pushed another person off of a cliff.

We think to ourselves “what if I’m wrong about this?”  “What if they were just clinically depressed or had a chemical imbalance?”.  We bite our tongues because we know the guilt we might induce in the person we are pointing our own fingers at.  We wouldn’t wish that guilt on anyone. This is a normal empathetic reaction that stops us from pursuing the issue any further. 

We are unable to wrap our minds around the fact that these predators do not share in our empathy and compassion. They enjoyed what they did. The worst part of all?  They will NEVER feel guilty or any remorse for murdering someone but rather proud of themselves for being so crafty and skillful as to manipulate a person into their own grave.

In life and in death there is little justice or accountability to be had for these spiritual cannibals. The sick part is that as a society we watch this form of murder happen and many times turn a blind eye to it. When our souls are murdered the very core of our being is chiseled away into almost nothing and we are left there not even realizing that we don’t have depression due to some act of nature but rather an ongoing psychological warfare inflicted by another human being.  We are told to “grow some balls” or “put on our big girl panties” instead.


Becoming the Voice You Needed to Hear

It has been over 5 years since going no contact with my own soul assassin. As many of you know I have been helping a friend leave one of the most malignant of narcissistic species I have seen to date. A conversation we had the other night prompted the writing of this article. I’d like for all of us to be able to identify and name soul cannibalism for what it is, and I ask all of you to continue talking about your experiences because the laws do need to change.  

We need to share our stories.  These criminals need to be held accountable for their verbal actions and manipulations that lead so many victims of psychological and emotional abuse into committing suicide simply to escape their grotesque reality. When I hear someone tell a victim “why don’t you just leave” I am filled with a burning rage because I know first-hand that “just leaving” is usually not an option.  One must literally “just disappear”.  It has nothing to do with willpower, being a strong or weak person, or any other life skills that society would deem acceptable. These people are predators and like all known predators to man they will continue to stalk and hunt their prey.

As I spoke with my friend she was saying thank you for helping her get free of this person who had spent the last 7 years slowly erasing her.  I thought for a moment at everything that has taken place over the past several months and my own actions actually made me question my own sanity a bit. I must be insane, but I know that a certain amount of insanity is going to be needed to slay this beast.  I went all in on this one. It’s been an outright spiritual battle for all involved on our end.

I’ve been aware of my friend’s situation for a few years and always offered the same advice “get out while you still can!”.  She called me one day completely broken down, alone, scared but determined after months of not hearing from her, and she said, “I have to get away, things are really bad, and I need help”. These were words I have been waiting to hear from her since I first learned of her situation.

The day she left, and I was on the way to pick her up (she was not “allowed” to drive and all her ID’s, license, passport, and bank cards were being held hostage) she started to send messages that the narcissist was trying to have her committed to the psych ward with the help of their “marriage therapist” who happens to live across the street and allows him to torment her from her home now. By the time I reached our meeting point she was being hauled away by ambulance and a police escort for an involuntary psychiatric evaluation because the narcissist said she was “off her meds and psychotic” after she told him she wanted a divorce.  

I rushed to the hospital and have been doing my own special advocate bat shit crazy on this case ever since. My own traumas flaring up as a result of such a similar situation. When she said thank you I realized all that those words meant because once you are in the depths of narcissistic hell the way out usually involves one of two options: disappear or just check out of life. Helping her can only be described as being the equivalent of giving spiritual CPR. There is no other option once you see and can label attempted soul murder.  You have no choice as a survivor but to go all in because we know first hand that nobody else will and that inaction from all involved could end up killing somebody.

I thought about the forums, groups and pages started by survivors geared toward narcissistic abuse awareness and in that moment, I was so proud of this entire community of healing warriors of narcissistic abuse.  I explained to my friend the nature of a narcissistic abuse survivor which is to advocate and fight for other survivors usually without question. I also explained that one day when this is over she will most likely be unable to stop herself from doing the same thing as many of us.

We hear the truth in a stranger’s story and almost in self-preservation we come to their aid because we know what it was like to be standing in their shoes alone. Once you become involved with other survivors you immediately identify with them. It seems to be a part of our own healing process to help other survivors see their way out.  Even more to the spirit of a survivor is our willingness to go above and beyond for justice in the defense of another survivor which is what makes this community so beautiful in the first place. The only way to go from victim to survivor of this form of abuse is to completely and utterly cut all contact with these predators and anyone associated with them.  This can be especially painful when they are blood family, but it is possible. 

From one survivor to another, it is an extremely long road to recovery, but you are no longer alone. We are waiting over here on the other side of that nightmare for you to join us on the road to healing and awareness. More specifically, we need you to help us create change within our legal system for all of the victims who have lost their lives to this silent abuse. We need you here to share your story.  So, if you are feeling, in this moment, that suicide is your only option just know that on the other side of that pain there is hope and there is purpose you just need to make it there and you CAN make it there.

Regards,









Monday, March 6, 2017

Financial Abuse and Exploitation Solutions as a Result of Narcissistic Abuse




Financial Abuse and Exploitation Solutions as a Result of Narcissistic Abuse







Get help repairing your credit today by filing the necessary papers to agencies to remove items from your credit report that are due to identity theft and other financial abuse tactics used by the narcissist Get the Help you need today by calling
877-345-6965 and getting a free consultation with an expert

Financial exploitation doesn't only happen to the elderly. It happens in many situations including between spouses, parent and child, or even between friends. Narcissists regualarly financially abuse and exploit victims of all ages leaving them with bad credit and in debt.

Financial abuse is a common tactic used by abusers to gain power and control in a relationship. The forms of financial abuse may be subtle or overt but in in general, include tactics to limit the partner's access to assets or conceal information and accessibility to the family finances. 
Ways Narcissists exploit their victims financially include but are not limited to:
  • Making financial decisions without your knowledge
  • Overusing credit cards and not paying bills
  • Forcing you to file fraudulent tax returns or doing so without your knowledge
  • Reporting you to government agencies for “fraud” when none has been committed in order to get your benefits cut
  • Forcing you to put all property or anything of value only in their name.
Many victims of narcissistic abuse are blind sided by all the damage that has been done to them financially. Some vicitms can dig their way out of debt for years to follow.

We might be able to help you repair some of that damage by:
  • filing the correct paper work to agencies alerting them of fraud
  • help you recover from identity theft
  • help you find solutions to the legal costs that have left you in debt
  • stop creditor harassment
  • work out solutions with creditors to repair your credit

If you are busy clawing your way out of the hell your narcissist left you in financially just know that you are not alone! You can start repairing your credit today by getting a free consulation and action plan with a credit repair expert by calling.





This offer is currently available to United States residents going through financial hardships due to being exploited by a narcissistic abuser. 
If you have bad credit because of the debt the narcissist has left you in then this is a great option to help those dealing with identity theft, divorce, and the legal fee's associated with being abused via the court systems.


Get the Help you need today!

877-345-6965


Still navigating through a nightmare narcissistic divorce? Follow this link to read 10 steps to protect yourself divorcing a narcissist 

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Oy Vey!"


Dear Narcissist Problems,
     Just wanted to thank you for creating this wonderful resource! For the past 10 months my biological family has ex-communicated me, my husband and our 3 special needs kids. Most of the posts you post relate to my story. Lately, my Mother has been sending round the message that she wants to reconnect "just the 2 of us" now that she has firmly secured the opinions of my family and extended family.     This week, after hearing that I had been in a near-fatal car accident, she decided to call me. I cannot begin to tell you how much your page has empowered me and clarified the Narcissistic behavior pattern. I had the ability to distance and "check through the checklist." Classic tactics et. all.
Still very hard to deal with the fact that this IS my family - but clarity goes a long way...
Thank you!
A week after the phone call, my mother wrote me, I responded, and then my father monkey danced at me and I debated if/how to respond. Considering full 'no contact' but a little anxious.
Below is the exchange:
Dear A****a,
     I’ve been thinking about our conversation a lot. I am so sorry for the pain that I have caused you. I’m sure we both never meant to hurt each other or anyone else. The question is what happens now. A*a and I are not in favor of the group mediation idea. But I am happy to work with you with the aid of a therapist of your choice. I think we can attack the main issues that are bothering you from my understanding of the phone conversation. I would also be happy to visit the kids at your in-laws, for example, so that you are comfortable with the arrangement. I truly love and care about you and will try to do the best that I can in the interest of shalom. You can call any time to arrange a visit or pick up money if and when you are ready to do so. I wish only health and happiness for you and your family. Much love always.
Dear I******a,
     I accept your apology for the past, though I find it somewhat frightening that someone with your life experience would not realize that ostracizing one's own flesh and blood through fallacies would be hurtful. Am I to understand that A*a is not interested in reconstructing a relationship with me? Or that, you are not interested in having A*a be part of the process? Since my husband and I have been punished as a unit for each other’s fictitious "wrongdoings", I believe that it is only right to repair the relationship as a unit, as well. I don't know that I would call it "group therapy" so much as clarifying the rules of our relationship, for the benefit of the future. This is not about the past, so much as about the future. A trained family mediator would be able to clarify to us healthy patterns of behavior so as not to create hurt in the future. Although I appreciate your good will, I do not believe it to be prudent to re-introduce the children at this point. I would like to know that there was security in the relationship first - they have suffered greatly from rejection and I would not want them to have to go through this again. As of now we have not experienced a parental relationship with you over the past 11 months, we do not feel that it would be appropriate to accept your thoughtful financial offer at this point. Thank you for your good wishes, wishing you all the best,
A***a Dear A***a, I*a has nothing to do with me in this. My position has been clear from the start – you created this machlokes (fight) for no reason. And you are incapable of hearing anyone else’s point of view. If you had a drop of humility you would say “gee what did I do to drive my parents and siblings away? MAYBE I made a mistake. MAYBE I did something wrong. Instead you blame everyone else. EVERYONE is lying, EVERYONE has done me wrong. NO ONE has ever done anything for me! You know that van you just wrecked? I paid for it out of my own pocket, just like I paid for your first van. But no one has done ANYTHING for you. You have left a paper trail. You wrote several people how you want nothing to do with your family. YOUR FAMILY!!!! You created this for no reason. It was none of your business. You have spoken to relatives in America badmouthing us and M******m. I CAN PROVE IT! I spoke to the people. You have been incredibly disloyal, a true kofei tov. Nothing that anyone has ever done for you, not the HUNDREEDS of hours that I*a spent on the phone with you, nothing is appreciated. No A***a, I WILL NOT play your game. So keep beating up on I*a the only one who has been your advocate in the family to try to get them to see you in a positive light. The family is OUTRAGED by your behavior. Only I*a tries to defend you. After all you have said and done you have the gall to accuse I*a of lying! Halevi (I wish) I*a made it up! I wish you had never said or did all the things you did in the past YEAR. If at some time in the future, perhaps with the help of a professional. You can look yourself honestly in the mirror and say “Maybe I did something wrong” then I will be willing to discuss it. But I will not descend into the insanity that you have created. When a sibling is in trouble, the family rallies around them. Everyone did that (and does that) except you. What kind of a mother uses their own children as pawns in their twisted game? Of all you have done that is the most horrific. I pray for you and C*****a and the children every day. May Hashem (God) be good to all of you.
Love, A******a (Yes I still love you in spite of all you have done)
machlokes = fight,
Hakoros Ha'tov = gratitude
Halevai = I wish
Hashem = G-d
Sincerely,
“Oy Vey!”
 
Dear “Oy Vey”,
     Thank you for following the page and I am glad to hear the posts have been helpful for you in your situation.  I felt extremely unsure of how to tackle this message because of the mixture of a religion I have no experience with.  I do not know what is culturally “acceptable” and then I realize these issues really do cross every cultural barrier so let’s start with the unwillingness to go to group therapy on your mother’s part as she would rather get you into therapy….alone…with her.  It seems a common tactic of manipulation for a narcissist to get their victim into therapy alone with them.  This allows for the further manipulation through the therapist.  I do believe most therapists will recognize this but there is always the chance that they won’t.  I think your suggestion to keep all involved so there wouldn’t be any “misunderstandings” was a great.  Also, the fact that you wanted to keep your husband involved was great.  If anything I would seek therapy on your own without the involvement of others.  As for the mediator I am unsure why this is necessary?  Are we talking of a legal mediator because there are children involved or a spiritual mediator to heal the rift in the family?  I will go under the assumption that it is to mediate the family rift.  Again, mediation should involve all parties and should not be done in secret with only your mother and who she picks and choses to be present.  Anyone affected by the situation should be present so there aren’t any future misunderstandings.  As for the children, it is a good idea to keep them out of the circus.  To my understanding your mother is trying to control you from across an ocean so I can only imagine what goes on when she is up close and personal.  While we are on the topic of “No Contact”, this is a deeply personal choice.  We go no contact with our family for many different reasons, usually when the situation is so emotionally or physically abusive that we are pushed into a corner and we have a “fight or flight” reaction.  I can’t really give advice on this for your situation as this will be a decision that you will have to mull over with your husband and/or a therapist.  The bottom line being “The best interest of the children”.  It seems as if you have a really good handle on the situation with the low contact so I would keep monitoring it. The main issue I see is putting the involvement of flying monkeys at bay and the recruitment of flying monkeys. In my own family I did have to go no contact so I know how hard this is for you.  Try not to make any decisions out of spite but a good look at the reality of your relationship with your family. Good luck to you in the New Year and if you need any support just let me know!
Regards,
Narcissist Problems

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Stuck"




Dear Narcissist Problems,

     I need advice/help. I'm in a very unhealthy relationship, but I feel stuck. I don't know how to get out. He is manipulative, controlling, and abusive (more verbal and sexual with occasional physical). I've tried multiple times in the last year to make him leave and it never works. I got a better job in August and was hiding money so that I could leave and he started doing little things (unplugging my alarm clock, calling me at work saying my daughter was in the hospital so I'd leave early [she wasn't] and once even leaving in MY car and taking the keys to his truck and not coming back until an hour after I was supposed to be at work) all of which have resulted in my losing my job. When I was working, he would take money out of my purse, he's told me that he paid certain bills and actually just blew the money, one of which was a traffic ticket, resulting in my license being suspended. He has cheated on me more times than I can count, but I'm the one with the problem because I'm "jealous" and "insecure" and I make him cheat because I'm so awful. I have 2 children and I can't keep putting us thru this. I don't have anyone who can help me or that we can stay with. I have a car payment and insurance now a suspended license and no income w/o him. I've been distributing my resume and filling out job applications since I lost my job 2wks ago with no luck. I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do

Sincerely,

“Stuck”

 

Dear “Stuck”,

     When I read through this I literally felt the burn of pure anger I felt with my own narcissist.  The first step in getting out is usually the hardest and that is to accept that there is a problem.  You are 60% of the way there.  The first thing I would do is print this letter up as a starting point and heading down to the local courthouse and seeking the help of a victims advocate.  I am really sorry to hear that you lost your job and I am not going to lie to you:  This next year will probably be the hardest year of your life but I know you can get through it!  The hardest part of these relationships whether it is a family member, friend, or significant other is wriggling out of their tentacles.  You need a support system.  Think really really really hard and try to see if there is anyone in your life who is willing to help. If not seek help just as you have done here.  You are not alone! All of these problems seem really overwhelming but the important thing is to work through them.  When you go to the court house talk to them and see if they can’t point you in the right direction regarding the abuse AND your license situation.  The longer you put either situation off the worse it will be later.  Try to be as proactive as possible even if you have no money.  I know that here in Chicago we are having an amnesty week for parking ticket violations.  I don’t exactly know what that means but I’m assuming either having the ticket dissolved completely or setting up a very small payment schedule.  If you lose the car; I know that will only make the situation worse but remember this isn’t the end.  You are being abused mentally, sexually, physically and financially.  This person is sabotaging your job, your income, and your ability to take care of yourself and your children.  I would not, under any circumstances, leave the children with him as a babysitter.  The children have already been through enough.  While you have a car let your determination to survive and later thrive be your guide.  Seek out community support.  Go down to the office for family and child services and see if they can assist you in finding daycare options.  I wouldn’t go into too many details but keep it strictly regarding money.  I would also see if they can possibly help you find some certification classes so that you can get a higher paying job later.  You are in a jam and the longer you stay with this person the more he is going to tear you down.  The most important thing to do is take the first steps toward your safety and independence.  Good Luck to you!  You can do this!  Further, document the crazy.  Get the police involved.  Get a restraining order against this person before you end up losing your children because of him.  The most important thing to do is to stay safe and get out as quickly as possible!  None of this is going to be easy.  You are going to need to be filled with so much fear and determination that it forces you to break the barriers of “out there” being scarier than where you already are.  Know this, you are capable enough and strong enough to do this you just need to start!  It will help to seek emotional support in a support group and you can find them on Facebook.  Also see if there are any free services for counseling in your area.  Get out there and get talking.  When we talk with others who have been there not only can they help guide us out of the nightmare but it helps to get out the pain and frustration.  You got this!  Finally, I would avoid any conflict or threatening your partner that you will leave if he doesn’t change his behavior.  Make the plans to leave as silently as possible otherwise he will sabotage those plans and he may actually hurt you or the children.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems


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