Saturday, March 4, 2017

What to do when going No Contact is not an option


If you are divorcing or "counterparenting" with a narcissist then going no contact might not be an option. Here are some ways to protect yourself against false allegations or worse


Free Q&A with a Lawyer


Dear Narcissist Problems,


I have recently married a person who I thought was the woman of my dreams but it turns out that I have just signed up for a nightmare with someone I believe is a narcissist. To make things more complicated we have a young son together.

Things seemed to go downhill soon after we got married. Today she started another argument and she started shouting and yelling in front of our son. I ask her to stop raising her voice and calm down for our sons sake. After I asked her multiple times to stop, I picked up my son and said that I was taking him to his grandma's house so he didn’t have to listen to his parents argue.

I didn’t raise my voice to her once. I simply disengaged from the arguement in an effort to leave before the situation got out of control. When I said I was leaving she picked up the phone and dialed 911 (the emergency number, you know for emergencies…) and continues to scream into the phone and told the operator that I was abducting our son.

Long story short the police arrived, they asked her to calm down and that I’m allowed to take my son anywhere I want. Then they suggested that one of us leave the home – which is exactly what I was trying to do before she called them.

The officer said that he has to file a report and it will get forwarded to social services.

We live in a nice neighborhood and I was embarrassed that the cops even had to come to my quiet street and now I'm just numb at what insanity just took place.

I want to end this relationship but I'm affraid that if I leave she will not let me see our son. After this incident I'm also affraid that she will continue to call the police on me and try to get me arrested for things that I have not done. I don't know how to deal with this and never thought I would end up in a situation like is happening. I could use any advice you have. What do I do?

Sincerely,

"Honeymoon is over"


Ask A Lawyer today for free

Dear "Honeymoon",




It seems as if you are getting ready to step into a high conflict divorce so I would arm yourself with knowledge on how to protect yourself against false allegations of abuse to her and to your child. You need a plan immediately and should consult with a family law attorney sooner rather than later. I'm not going to sugar coat this because you really need to see the gravity of your situation for what it probably is, as I write this your wife and her friends are probably plotting to take you down, take your assets, and your son.

This information is good to keep on hand if you are a man or a woman going through a divorce with a narcissist as either can be highly manipulative. You can find yourself in so many horrible situations that you won't even know what hit you and if a narcissist can ruin your relationship with your child then they will so be prepared for that!

10 Steps to protect yourself against false allegations while divorcing a narcissist


1. Consult with an Attorney.

You need to get a consulation with an attorney who specialized is family law and has some experience dealing with false allegations to abuse. You need to get in touch with an attorney as soon as possible because as the police officer stated he was submiting a file to social services.

This means that you and your wife will soon be getting a knock on the door from a social worker who will be there to investigate you both for abuse or neglect. Don't make the mistake of not protecting yourself at this very critical stage of your issue. These are legal matters that can and will determine your future relationship (if any!) you will have with your child!

 Ask a lawyer free Q&A is a great place to ask lawyers across the United States any legal questions you have. You will get responses from multiple lawyers so you know where you stand.  Depending on the outcome of today you will also have the option to hire a local lawyer in your area at a flat rate instead of an hourly fee. This is huge as many parents divorcing a narcissist are literally abused by legal fees alone.

2. You need to document the crazy!!!!


Start documenting all future interactions. Divorcing a narcissist can quickly turn into your worst nightmare as the abuse progresses. You want to have every single interaction documented so that things can't later be manipulated or just made up.

Communicate via e-mail, text. When you talk via Skype, have a screen recorder/audio recorder on. When things are getting heated at home, have a pocket recorder.
 In many states, it’s legal to record if you’re a party to the conversation and you give consent to being recorded (i.e. you don’t need her consent).
In states that it isn’t legal, You should do it anyway for your own peace of mind to counter any lies or gaslighting you encounter later. You are not losing your mind you are being narcissized!

 Follow up every single interaction with an email to state your understanding of events! When sending e-mails, in this instance it could be a quick “Dear Wife, I wanted to take our son out of the home because it is not healthy for him to see and hear either of his parents angry and screaming at the people he loves. When you were yelling at me your words were hurting him a lot” etc. If you can set up the email so that it documents that the email has been opened.

Here is a list of everything you need to document the crazy if you can't go No Contact with a narcissist

3. Don't stay silent because you are embarassed!

 Many victims of narcissists both male and female make the mistake of trying to keep the lid on the explosion that is about to take place. This happens either out of embarassment or shame.
Start sharing your situation with people you trust. Do not go talk to people you are mutually friends with trying to convince them that you are not a bad person. These are typically people who in your gut you know will talk to your spouse in a heart beat about anything you say or do so avoid these people like the black plague!

At this point in the narcissistic nightmare your narc is building a sizable witness list. You need to do the same. Take your son with you to someone your trust and share what has just happened. Make a point to also never discuss what is going on infront of your son! This is key! Children should never be thrown into adult situations so just don't!

4. Install surveilance cameras.

 At this moment, you and your wife are in verbal confrontation. This has a high potential to escalate into a physical confrontation as she provokes you. She can hit you, and then claim you hit her even if you call the cops. You need solid evidence to keep you from being imprisoned because this is a favorite tactic of narcissists when they are losing control of a situation.

The reality of the situation is that if it’s just her word against yours, you ARE going to jail. Instead, what you want to do is this: record EVERYTHING especially in your home especially if she is already exhibiting aggressive behavior towards you. Wait for her to call the cops. When she does, pull all the footage from the hidden cameras and show it to them.

Then, charge her with falsification/harassment. I know there are women reading this shaking their heads saying this information will help narcissistic male abusers but think about that line of thought real quick. If everything is being recorded then wouldn't that protect you both from false accusations?

5. Separate financially and be open and honest about it so she is aware.

Don't pull a scum bag manuever where the two of you have agreed that she will be a stay at home mom while you work and then close the accounts leaving her with zero means to get by, homeless and starving. That is also abusive behavior.

 If there are any disputes talk to your lawyer about them, document them, and sort it out in court but try to be as fair as possible because this action will say way more than words ever can especially in a courtroom when you will be accused of financial abuse. Make sure you document every last cent that is going in and out of any accounts. Take out your share of cash from the joint accounts, give her a share, and document it! Further, immediately deactivate credit cards that you’re sharing with her. The last thing you need to deal with while divorcing a narcissist are maxed out credit cards!

6. Start building some quality time with your son. You want your son to not be coachable by your wife or her attorney. This is the stage that parental alienation really comes on in full force as an abusive parent tries to make a good parent out to be a child molesting serial killer who is hiding bodies all over the county.

 Try to keep your sons life as stable as possible and try to maintain a positive role model. Take your son out on some amazing trips where you two can bond: fishing, biking, etc. Take pictures of you guys having fun. One night, sit him down and explain what is happening in simple terms. Do NOT use this as an opportunity to bash your wife! Again, don't be that guy.

It's important that your son is aware of big changes that are taking place especially when those changes involve his family separating! Tell him to not be afraid and that you love him and always will. Further, always try to have a third party around instead of just going out with your son alone as many narcissists like to make false allegations of abuse when good parents do spend time alone with their children. Bring along another family member or someone else you would trust with your life.

7. Hire an Attorney. 

This is not the same as getting a consultation with initial advice. You want to be prepared and you do NOT want to have a high conflict divorce without one! Make sure that you give your attorney all your documentation and keep them up to date on what is going on. Everytime a police report is made or a social worker shows up call your lawyer ASAP!


8. Have a home not a bachelor pad! 

You want to see your son after the divorce right? You are in the middle of false allegations of whatever right? You do not want YOUR SON, police, or social services coming to a party pad! Your new home should be inviting, relaxing, and have enough rooms for everyone.

You want to let your son know that there is still space for him in your life. In an effort to do this he will need his own room, toys, and clothing. There is nothing worse for a child than to feel as though they don't belong even if you didn't mean to make them feel that way so always have his space clean and welcoming.


9. Mentally prepare yourself for the coming months or years.

There is nothing worse than divorcing a narcissist if you are not mentally prepared for the long haul ahead of you. You need to research your state laws, federal laws, and anything in between that could have an effect on your situation.

Being mentally prepared also means that you are finding emotional support. You don't necessarily need the support to be from those in your life but surround yourself with people who understand what you are going through. This could start by finding a place to vent when the poo really does hit the fan. It also helps because you will have others to give you perspective on the situation.

Make sure that your support system is not just a breeding ground for hate. If you find yourself in a support group of all men who hate every women on planet earth then this environment can also take a toll on your mental health. All or nothing people can have distorted thinking and they can be men or women so protect your mind from all or nothing view points.

Further, find a therapist who specifically deals with trauma and high conflict relationships. Don't put the therapy off because you will need it. You have to protect your mental health from disease and decay just as you do your body so don't just brush off a therapist because you think your not in need. You will be!

You can also become a member of our network for free by following this link. This is a support group where you can connect with others going through similar situations with full control over your own profile and free account. Create groups, topics, or even blog about your situation. Further, you may create an anonymous profile so that you can share what your going through without being further harassed online.

10. File for Divorce and realize that co-parenting with a narcissist in reality is counter-parenting.

You will need to make documenting your interactions with your ex-narcissist. These individuals do not know how to get along for the sake of their children. You need to protect yourself and your children from their toxic behaviors as much as possible. 

It might seem insane to most people that this information even needs to exisist but do yourself a favor and don't ignore a situation that could turn into losing your rights to your child. It happens to men and women every single day because they don't realize what they are up against. A normal person can't even begin to predict the nightmare situations that narcissists will create. When they get into divorce they find out really quickly that child protective services doesn't only show up for abused children they show up to investigate any claim your narcissist can get away with making. Good luck to you!

Regards,

Narcissist problems

If going No Contact is not an option for you then you should implement the following:



DIY DETECTIVE GADGETS



     If you are dealing with a narcissist then you know they are masters at manipulation. They lie, steal, and frame with a stealth ease. If you are dealing with gaslighting and other methods of crazy making then you need to get a little proactive. I always suggest going No Contact because a narcissist will never change but there are some situations where it is almost impossible to go no contact.

      For instance, you are "co-parenting" and need to communicate because you share children. Narcissists love to use these forced interactions to perpetuate their abuse. Many times they make it impossible to function as they continuously manipulate situations to use against you in court to punish you for existing. If you have no choice but to interact with a narcissist then you are going to need to go inspector gadget on them. Whatever you need to do to document the crazy make sure that you are doing it!

Record Keeping


     You should be breaking out a journal and documenting your own day everyday. Write a quick note about what you did that day. Get in the habit of saving receipts and if you go anywhere try to write down where and what time. You really never know when or if this information will be useful but its better to make it a habit than get blindslided next month by a surprise knock on your door from child protective services because "someone" made an anonymous call about you. Also, record your interactions with the narcissist. You can bring these notes up in court later to recall anything the narcissist might say you did or where you were. Don't get railroaded!

Keep a 12 Month planner but instead of writing your schedule or to-do list, use it as your daily documentation. It will resemble a "diary" but it is way more organized and to the point. Make sure to get a planner with dates every year so you are motivated to stay ontop of your documentation. This isn't a once weekly task. You should be doing this daily until you no longer have to deal with this narcissist.


     If you are being stalked or simply harassed its a good idea to keep track of any strange cars, people, and clothing, and incidents. You want to know the time, date, who was there, what happened, where did it happen, where there cars involved? Whats the plate number, color, make, and model. I'm serious about my stalking documentation. This comes in very handy when the narc has flying monkeys following you around. This log will also help you keep track of their information incase you need to take a flying monkey to court as well. You never know whats going to happen. The better your documentation the better your chances of putting this nightmare to an end.

      This is a police incident notebook that has special fields for any information that would need to be documented per police and court records. Also, Make sure that you have a special file for all your documentation because it really ads up. The last thing you need is an unorganized mess to deal with. Get one of those accordion files with multiple slots and then label the slots by month. Get a new one every year and keep those records forever if you need to.



     The next thing you need is an actual journal or something for detailed notes. The planner is a short run down of your day. The police notebook to keep track of each "incident" with documentation that will hold up in court. The last thing is some place to keep details of your incounters with the narcissist. This journal will be like the Police notebooks best friend. 

     You want to sync your journal with the dates in the police journal which is used for brief but factual information. You want to use your journal to describe what happened and you want to do it while the incident is fresh on your mind. You want to tell your story in detail so that you don't forget anything six months down the line. You also need this to remind yourself who else was there and if there were any reports made. This combo of police field note and journal will really come in handy when you are dealing with a police department that refuses to make a report. Further, your lawyer will LOVE the crap out of you for making their job so much easier.



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