March 17, 2017

Narcissists are the parasites of the human race. Period.



When Loving a Parasitic Narcissist turns into anger, depression, and suicide






Dear Narcissist Problems,

        I read a lot of your posts and info and have to say I actually thought I was a narcissist because I did so many of the things that are posted. For two years I cried and cried and had massive anxiety attacks over my situation. I hunted for Answers, begged, pleaded, apologized and I found out many horrible nasty things that had been happening. I thought once I knew the truth I would be able to just get angry and be done, but no I wanted him to never forget me or how much I loved him and how much I had given of myself to stand by him, how doing so ruined my life.

     It consumed my every thought because I couldn't and don't understand how I sacrificed so much without thinking of myself to be loyal to him and how he could just disregard me like I never existed. He went no contact with me because I discovered what he was doing and told him. I honestly thought I was going crazy, I wanted to die and had wished someone would run into my car or I could sleep and never wake up. I became this person I never thought I was and I am deeply ashamed of my actions. He has moved away now and honestly for the first time in two years I feel better.

      I'm gutted because I thought he was my once in a lifetime, but did I really want that or did I just pursue it so much because I wanted him to be sorry and accountable for how he treated me? Yes I love him, probably always will, but it's unhealthy and a long road to recovery. How can a person control so much of what u think and feel? Three years together. Did not live together. I knew he had never been faithful to others. He asked me to take a chance on him so I did, I moved for him, I worked his business for him, and I was with him through mouth cancer losing his businesses going bankrupt and his ex taking everything.

     I was warned about him but really loved him and chose him above everything. I ended up unemployed and moved again. He just got distant and the calls stopped happening. I felt something was off because of different things showing up in his place, odd texts etc. he'd deny it and deny it. He changed my number in his phone to a guy’s number. Fuck I just gave up my life as I knew it to stand by this man I couldn't understand.

     He just kept telling me it was all about him he lost everything and I lost nothing. Panic attacks would happen over anything. I just needed to know answers and why. He moved in with Asian ladies and he advertised himself for sale and his sister had told me about other women while with me. I wanted to die. I wanted revenge so bad for all of this hurt I threatened him then I'd apologize. I'd cry, beg, and plead with him. Then I would get angry again in this big circle of emotions. I'd write and say the most horrible nasty things in text ……and text…… and text I couldn't let it go.

     I've apologized over and over and still cry every day I thought I was this really horrible person. It's been 2 years and since I found out he moved to another state I feel better but don't hate him in fact I still love him and that is what I get angry about. How could someone know how much you loved them, how much you sacrificed for them, and be so cruel and uncaring? Pretend you don't exist. Let you go without. I fed him, bought him things he needed, and shared all I had with him and chose him knowing every bad thing there was to know. I loved him when he had nothing. I loved him knowing he cheated and lied and sold himself.

       I'm sorry it's such a long story. He was the first man I ever completely trusted with all of me, the first man I wanted to hug, the very first person that I said I love you to first. The first person I was willing to do anything for and did. I actually went and seen a psychologist because I was all over the place. I really didn't want revenge I just wanted him to see how much I was hurting and to try and understand why he did these things when I chose him time and time again. My income has been cut in half and now I can barely afford to live. I had to sell anything I had of value. My whole world just gone for doing what I thought was right for the man I loved. That doesn't make me a bad person does it?

Sincerely,

“Devastated”




Dear Devastated,


     I’m glad that you wrote in and shared your experience. I really hope that you continue with therapy and also find support in groups. It is very normal to wonder if you are a narcissist after being in a relationship with one. The very fact that you are dissecting your entire personality points toward the fact that you probably are not one. Narcissists don’t typically spend time examining their own motives or behaviors instead they spend their time examining the behavior of everyone else especially if there is a problem.
Narcissists are parasitic humans
     Being depressed, anxious, and suicidal are also normal reactions to being abuse. Your anger is also very normal because you have been violated at a cellular level. You are angry at him and you are angry with yourself for allowing him to take advantage of and exploit you. Narcissists are parasitic humans, emotional vampires, and down- right criminal.
     The way parasitic narcissists abuse their victims causes them to slowly kill the target via suicide. At the end they can always say that they had nothing to do with your death and even use your suicide to gain sympathy for others. This is called murder by suicide and you can bet they planned on pushing you to the brink of self-destruction just as much as they planned to exploit you.

     The key to pushing past the anger you feel and eventually past your depression and suicidal thoughts is in forgiveness. You do not have to forgive him but you do need to forgive yourself. Researchers have found that “individuals who have experienced negative life events (such as abuse or trauma) may find themselves in a dysfunctional cycle in which the abuse activates maladaptive self-focused thoughts that make it difficult for them to experience forgiveness of self.
     You need to forgive yourself
      Self-forgiveness plays a very important role in adjustment, by disrupting maladjustment and allowing abused individuals to regain self-respect they may have lost after living with an abusive partner for an extended period of time (Band-Winterstein, Eisikovits, & Koren, 2011). Forgiving yourself is an essential part of healing after narcissistic abuse. You could not have known that you were dealing with a predator, none of us did. You are not to blame for trusting this person. Nothing in life could have prepared you for what you have been through. 

      Moreover, working toward forgiveness of self has been shown to help disrupt the common association between abuse and depressive and anxious symptoms. In order to move forward with your life you will need to do a lot of work on healing and forgiving yourself. Likewise, the questioning of you being a narcissist is normal in that your thoughts have become so self-focused after being abused. This research also found that when we don’t forgive ourselves that leaves us open to remain in abusive relationships whether we keep going back to the original abuser or we find a new relationship that is also abusive.  
CDC's definition of a parasite
   

Have you ever thought about parasites before? The CDC's definition of a parasite is “an organism that lives on or in a host organism and gets its food from or at the expense of its host.” Does this sound familiar to you? Now there are different types of protozoa that are considered infectious to humans and are divided into four groups which are irrelevant to this discussion because what is not listed on the CDC website is that of the Parasitic Human. For Humans we would rather have them diagnosed with a personality disorder instead of naming them for what they truly are. Parasites.





I suppose it could be argued that the human can’t be considered a parasite according to science because they don’t feed off of our blood or live inside our bodies. Human parasites take this a step further and they live off your soul and they feed on your brain and thoughts and if you spend enough time with them then your entire body will start to fall ill.
     Further, they will inject you with disease and then leave. T he fact that your parasitic ex-boyfriend also had multiple sexual partners and could have given you a STD that could have destroyed your entire reproductive system, your brain, or entire immune system via contracted viruses like HIV I have no clue as to why the human parasite is still not on this CDC list is beyond me. With this is mind I would say the human is the most destructive of all parasites.

     Narcissistic parasites love to bring up the fact that they have lost so much and you have lost nothing as if you deserved to lose something. As if losing everything is a competition or if you need to give more because they are lacking. Lucky for us I dug up an article that was published in the Association for Psychological Science in 2014 by Daniel N Jones of University of Texas in El Paso. The title of the article is Predatory Personalities as Behavioral Mimics and Parasites: Mimicry-Deception Theory and while it mainly focuses on financial predators it has some key implications for understanding your situation as well.

     In his research Jones made the comparison between human and non-human parasites and their common behaviors being “a nonhuman animal mimic is defined as an organism that, through various means of deception (e.g., behavioral, visual, and chemical), appears to possess certain characteristics but actually possesses different characteristics (Holling, 1965). A predatory mimic (or Mortenson mimic) is a nonhuman animal that uses such confusion for hunting prey (Wickler, 1968).” (Jones 2014). This is very much what the parasitic narcissist does when they initiate their relationships. They camoflage themselves to cover up the preditor they are and study and mimic you. They love all the things you love. If you like dinner theater, so do they! If you LOVE mystery novels, so do they! They typically spend the beginning of their relationships asking questions and listening to your responses. This makes them appear caring and interested in you as a person but what they are really doing is taking notes on ways to gain entrance into your life and then ways to later exploit or blackmail you.  The predatory and parasitic behaviors described in this research are used to gain something from the target or prey through the use of deception alone.

      Think back to when you met your Ex-boyfriend and he was mimicking your good qualities while absorbing them in order to become the perfect partner for you, your soulmate. However, he is not like you because this was his strategy to gain your trust so that he could go in for the kill and take advantage of you. He needed to find out what buttons to push to get what he wanted much like the key codes on a vending machine. For money then press G3 but if you want to bully into action then press B2 for tears press A1 and for a feeling of saftey then press C6. Make no mistake about it, they study their victims from the very beginning and if they feel you are slipping away then they will press the saftey button to get you to stay. If they press G3 for instant money and you refuse then they press B2.  Jones dissects this deceptive behavior as “mimicry complexity, resource extraction rate, host integration, and risk of detection.”(2014).

      In essence your ex had a long term goal in sight and that was to drain you of all of your resources with little detection from you of being or feeling used. When these people come into our lives they have very limited resources such as money and if they do have resources it is usually from conning their last victim. They will most likely have numerous potential victims hence the many girlfriends and sexual partners because to them its like fishing.
     The wider the net is cast out the more they can pull in and use or sell.  The key to your Ex’s success was with this “resource extraction rate”, he spent the time to gain your trust and he didn’t extract all of your resources at once as to alert you that you were being manipulated and used.
     Rest assured that some of the others that were caught in his net were used for short term needs and they were quickly used and then thrown back to sea. The ones that are short term goals are the ones they con so bad that they do so quickly and very obviously and they need to be discarded so they don't have the potential to cause the narcissist any humiliation or exposure later. These victims are less likely to live near by. The narcissist probably met them online in dating sites or singles apps.

      Being a long term victim he got his foot in the door and then slowly bled you dry and destroyed your life. Of course you are angry! Who wouldn’t be! You were deceived, conned, and duped! You thought you were falling in love and this guy was only using love as a ruse to take you for all that you had and you continued to give. You are angry with him and you are probably even angrier with yourself! The point of this whole explanation is that your ex-boyfriend should no longer be viewed by you as a human because he is nothing more than a parasite.

     On top of being parasitic this person is probably going to land in prison someday due to being a con artist. I would not blame yourself but instead I would wait for other victims to eventually contact you as a witness in some court case. As for the criminal behaviors of those diagnosed with cluster B personality disorders more research is being developed. The behavior of your ex is clearly bordering criminal if not criminal already and some research already explains that there are modes of criminal behavior expressed by those with cluster B disorders and they range from the ruthless to the protective. You need to understand that you have been victimized so understanding how criminals manipulate victims is almost imperative to forgiving yourself.

     One mode described as criminal cluster b behavior is “conning and manipulative” and is what is seen when the narcissist, psychopath, or sociopath is forming a relationship with another with the purpose of gaining something from them via conning, lying, and manipulation. Moreover, these modes cycle throughout the relationship if that relationship is long term so you could experience these modes over and over again. 
     Then there is a mode described as “paranoia” mode in which the cluster BPD attempts to control sources of danger or humiliation.  Further, "Predator mode" refers to the “cold, ruthless, and premeditated aggression in which the individual focuses on callously eliminating a real or imagined threat, rival or obstacle.  (Keulen-de Vos, Bernstein, Vanstipelen, Vogel, Lucker, Slaats, & Arntz 2016).

      The more impulsive he got with his asking for money or other resources also seems to have escalated in aggression as he bullied you (Pressed those buttons on the machine) into giving him things which further manipulated you through guilt of noncompliance. This is what diagnosed cluster B criminals have been shown to do to a T. “Furthermore, it appeared that as events leading up to crimes progressed, patients’ emotional states were characterized by escalating levels of anger and impulsivity, culminating in states of ‘hot’ aggression (i.e., bully and attack mode) and ‘cold’ predatory aggression (i.e., predator mode) during the crimes themselves..”(2016).   What has happened here with you seems to be that this human parasite planned to take you for all that you would give for as long as you would give it and then when he was expose you were immediately discarded.   

     Each time he asked for something his demand for you to pity him and put your own needs second seemed to work well for him so in your recovery it would be a good idea to work on setting firm boundaries with people. What he was not planning on was his sister informing you of the other girlfriends. He went from being the love of your life, to manipulative and bullying you into giving up your resources, and paranoid in that he kept an entirely separate life, to the final discard when the sister exposed the whole scheme he had going on with multiple women. This is what human parasites do and we call them Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Sociopaths.


     I’m going to share a video with you that I watched the other day. It is kind of long but it is probably something you should take the time to listen to because the situation is almost identical to what this man went through. I think it will help you find some type of closer. Also, he drops the F bomb a lot but regardless anyone who is dating should listen to this person's nightmare as he discusses meeting his psychopath and all the clues along the way up to him finding out that his partner was a sex worker.  

      I’d like to also mention that as he had a line of sexual partners waiting around the corner when he changed your name in his phone to that of a man’s and then suddenly grew distant he knew that you were out of resources. There was nothing left for him to take. At that point you were useless to him and he treated you accordingly as he moved on to his next victim.
     Typically, someone wouldn’t hide a name or phone number unless they were spending an intimate and large amount of time with another person that also has access to the same phone. So think back to when you met him. What guy kept calling him at the beginning of your relationship that you never met and he stopped talking to? This is a pattern of conduct for him and has very little to do with who you are except for one thing; cluster BPD’s normally target people who have something to offer. He probably seen you with your life together, money in the bank, and a good job and planned out his next 5 years at least.

 
It takes years to heal from narcissistic abuse. You will have the lowest lows known to mankind. You will question yourself and if you are really the disordered one. You will spend day and night analyzing what you have been through to the point of mental and physical exhaustion. My best advice for you is to realize that you are not alone. Understand that there is probably very little you could have done to prevent this from happening but you do have the power to study and research red flags so that you don’t keep finding yourself in these relationships with different people. Stay in counseling and ask your therapist if they are familiar with trauma therapy for abuse victims. Get connected with other survivors so that you can openly speak about what you have been through without feeling disbelieved or judged. Good luck to you on your healing journey!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems
   


References

Chang, E. C., Kahle, E. R., Yu, E. A., & Hirsch, J. K. (2014). Understanding the Relationship between Domestic Abuse and Suicide Behavior in Adults Receiving Primary Care: Does Forgiveness Matter? Social Work, 59(4), 315-320.

Jones, D. N. (2014). Predatory Personalities as Behavioral Mimics and Parasites: Mimicry–Deception Theory. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 9(4), 445-451. Doi: 10.1177/1745691614535936

Keulen-de Vos, M. E., Bernstein, D. P., Vanstipelen, S., Vogel, V., Lucker, T. C., Slaats, M., & ... Arntz, A. (2016). Schema modes in criminal and violent behaviour of forensic cluster B PD patients: A retrospective and prospective study. Legal & Criminological Psychology, 21(1), 56-76. doi:10.1111/lcrp.12047

March 15, 2017

The best way to get revenge on a Narcissist


The Best Ways of Getting Revenge on a Narcissist


Dear Narcissist Problems,


I have been with a narcissist for 3 years and he abruptly ended it. I don't know where to start but he is the one who fell in love with me and proposed to me. He was what I thought was an understanding person and respected me. But as time was passing by his colors were shown, angry!!!! Selfish!!! But yet I continued to love him. Then he started accusing me for so many things which I thought “Why am I getting accused??” He would call me a liar when I would start to explain why I didn’t do what he was accusing me of doing.

My Narcissistic Ex Keeps calling me Crazy

By the 2nd year he started calling me insane. He used to tell me that repeated mistakes are insanity but my repeated mistake was just “nagging” him for his love. I think that is a common characteristic of women and I used to tell him that I am not insane. I would again explain and defend myself. As time was going along he started calling me an idiot, that I have “no brains” that I “have an understanding problem”, “insane” and I was really pissed.

He has Characteristics of a narcissist

He started using his recovery terms on me when he has to apply them to his life and not mine. Then he started using these words every day and he stopped communicating with me. At first I was in bad shape thinking it was all my fault. But I came to this page and I was so relieved that it's not my fault and these are the characteristics of a narcissist.
He really made me feel like I am the worst person on earth and he the best. Nothing was his problem and he left me because of my “INSANE” personality. But now I know I am not insane and it's him!!!! All I want to say is I am still trying to recover from his verbal abuse as he was manipulating me with his satisfactory terms of life. God knows who the hell can deal with a narcissistic personality disorder!! I’m still trying to recover but the anger I have for him is too much. I still cry while thinking of how he made fun of my love for him. Calling me stupid and insane as if I were desperate. But the anger is what comes around, comes around, and comes around… he will definitely pay for what he has done to me. I wanted to ask if narcissists will ever think they have done anything wrong or  do narcissists ever feel guilty? Hurting someone so much and they can live a happy life?
Sincerely,

I want Revenge

Dear “Revenge”,

            I’m really glad that you found your way here too because the first thing I would like to say is to let go of wanting any pay back or revenge. The best way to get revenge on this jerk is to become hell bent on understanding narcissism and narcissistic abuse so that you don't end up in another relationship like this one and healing yourself. The number one best way to get revenge on a narcissist is by living a happy life filled with people who love you! Holding onto the anger of what you have been through with a narcissist will end up eating you alive. Moreover, it will keep you trapped in a vicious cycle of enmeshment with this person. He isn’t worth it. Think of the years you spent already trying to make things work with him. You don’t want to spend any more years trying to make him realize how much he has hurt you because he never will. If he does realize then he just does not care.

Do Narcissists Ever feel like they have done anything wrong?

You are asking some very great questions. Does he feel he has done anything wrong? This could go two ways with a narcissist really because they have very distorted thinking. In the first instance he may have justified his actions and bad behavior to himself making what he has done “ok” in his mind. The second instance is that yes he knows exactly what he is doing and he did it on purpose. Either way, he hurt you and would have only continued to hurt you and when he crawls back to you DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK!!!! He will never change so keep in mind when you are feeling nostalgic that narcissists only change their outfits and their victims.

Why do narcissists do what they do?

Why narcissists do what they do will remain a mystery for anyone who has empathy. We can examine their behavior, we can be involved with disordered individuals, and we can even have family that do cruel things. The biggest question that many survivors of narcissistic abusers have is if they feel bad or guilty about what they have done to us. From personal experience, I don’t think they will ever feel bad as far as we go. They might display remorse occasionally but when they do it is typically to further manipulate us. Once they have their mind set on abusing or exploiting someone it seems the only thing they learn to do is change their tactics when they get caught.

Narcissists are unlikely to feel remorse or guilt because they have no empathy

As for remorse or guilt it is highly unlikely. I shared a video the other day from Simon Baron-Cohen of whom I just became familiar with his work. Cohen has a very interesting perspective on the human personality as he utilizes research from multiple disciplines while searching for the answers for why people behave cruelly or why people do evil things. He investigates research from developmental psychology, neuroscience, genetics, and psychiatry to explain why some people lack empathy. He goes further to distinguish known disorders where empathy or reaction are limited specifically those diagnosed with autism and psychopaths.
Simon Baron-Cohen FBA is Professor of developmental psychopathology at the University of Cambridge in the United Kingdom. He is the Director of the University's Autism Research Centre, and a Fellow of Trinity College. Seems like a pretty nifty title right? Well FBA is short for Functional Behavior Assessment and is a process that identifies specific target behavior, the purpose of the behavior, and what factors maintain the behavior. What I find really interesting about his work is the connections he makes with research regarding empathy.

Are Narcissists Evil?

He recently wrote a book that covers how empathy works and why some people turn into psychopaths and also the different types of empathy or lack of.  I would suggest checking out his book The Science of Evil : On Empathy and the Origins of Cruelty because I think it would help you understand why your narcissist has done what he has done and his ultimate feelings about it which could help you find some closure.
Unsatisfied with the explanation of atrocities being “because those who commit them are evil” Cohen has been on a mission since childhood to find an exact answer as to how people can be so cruel and why. Which is great for anyone who has suffered at the hands of a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath. We need answers on the cellular level of our beings as to why and how our abuser could have done the things they did to us when all we wanted was to love and to be loved by them. In this book he says that the term evil is an easy way out of explaining anything on the subject so he refers to this behavior as “empathy erosion”.
Further, “empathy erosion can arise because of corrosive emotions, such as bitter resentment, or desire for revenge, or blind hatred, or a desire to protect, or the result of permanent psychological characteristics.” He completely dissects the debate of nature VS. Nurture and comes to the conclusion that psychopaths are cruel because of both nature and nurture. When people suffer from empathy erosion this is when people get turned into objects. They are no longer considered to be “people” with feelings or emotions. Those who suffer from a lack of empathy have no more concern for their victims than they would a pair of shoes.
If you hang out around survivors of cluster B disordered individuals long enough you will come to find that these are some pretty amazing people. Survivors are beautiful on the inside but they didn’t become that way due to the abuse of a narcissist or a psychopath. They were always that way. So when you say why did he do this to me, why did he make me feel stupid, why did he need to show me that he was better than me it is for one reason alone: He is intimidated by how intelligent and amazing you are and he needed to destroy something beautiful?

Narcissist steal objects and qualities from their victims

Another thing they do is try to “steal” the qualities of their victims so they mentally absorb all they find valuable in you and then they try to make it seem as if those qualities never existed in you in the first place. They are after something that you have whether it is physical like money or property or spiritually/ mentally like the essence of who you are. When they become hell bent on stealing from someone either physically, mentally, or spiritually they only focus on what they are wanting. They no longer see you as a person.
 In his book Cohen explains the why and how people can do cruel things with one example:
Erosion of empathy is a state of mind that can be found in any culture. In 2006 I was in Kenya with my family on holiday. We landed in Nairobi, a massive international city swirling with people. Sadly, Nairobi is home to one of the largest slums in Africa. People sleeping on the streets, mothers dying of AIDS, malnourished children begging or doing anything they can to survive. I met Esther, a young Kenyan woman, one of the fortunate ones who had a job. She warned me to be careful of the rising crime in Nairobi.
“I was in the supermarket,” she said. “Suddenly, a woman near me who was paying for her groceries let out a scream. A man behind her had cut off her finger. In the commotion, the man slid the wedding ring off the severed finger and ran off into the crowds.”
This is a shocking example of what one person can do to another. Formulating the plan to go out into the crowded supermarket to steal is easy enough to comprehend, especially if a person is starving. Formulating the plan to take a knife along is a bit harder to identify with, since it indicates clear premeditation to cut something.
But for me the key is to imagine the mind of the person in the seconds just before the act of cutting. At that very moment presumably all that is visible to the thief is the target (the ring), a small object that could feed him for weeks. All that is lying between him and his next meal is the woman’s finger that has to be severed. The fact that the finger is attached to a hand is mere inconvenience, and cold logic points to the solution: Detach it. The fact that the hand is attached to a person, with her own life and her own feelings, is at that moment irrelevant. Out of mind. It is an example of turning another person into, no more than, an object. My argument is that when you treat someone as an object, your empathy has been turned off.”

Narcissists see their victims as objects and not people

So when you ask will a narcissist ever feel guilty for hurting you…. I think the only answer is No he knew what he was doing but he just did not care because he has zero empathy for your pain. You had something that he desperately wanted. There really is no difference between this supermarket thief and your ex-boyfriend in regards to how they feel about their victims.
It is going to take a really long time to recover from this relationship. Being angry is a natural response to injustice and a violation of who we are as human beings. Wanting to be loved and wanted is a normal human behavior. Gaining someone’s love just too consistently reject, criticize and tear them down is not a normal human behavior and you should avoid anyone who does this to you because they will slowly kill you over time.

You are going to need some support while you heal from this. You should also get into therapy as soon as possible with a professional who specifically treats patients who have suffered from trauma. As for a support system I invite you to make an anonymous profile and join our support group. Also read and research all that you can about this personality disorder because it will help you heal to understand what you have been through. These people put us through so much that it is hard to identify or explain it to ourselves much less to anyone else. Good luck to you on your healing journey, you got this!
Regards,


Have a question about a narcissist? 
Get a copy of The Science of Evil

Baron-Cohen, S. (2011). The Science of Evil : on empathy and the origins of cruelty. New York: Basic Books, c2011.









Baron-Cohen, S. (2011). The science of evil. [Electronic resource]: on empathy and the origins of cruelty. New York: Basic Books, c2011.

March 6, 2017

Dear Narcissist Problems, Mi esposa es narcisista



¿Es mi esposa una narcisista?








Dear Narcissist Problems,


Hola, necesito un consejo sobre mi esposa. Después de mucha lectura y pensamiento honesto, creo que puede estar en algún lugar del TNP (Transtorno Narcisista de la Personalidad). He sido golpeado en la cara varias veces, muy duro (a lo que ella dice, "fue una bofetada, mi mano se abrió") .... bueno, yo soy un hombre de 200 libras, y mis oídos estaban zumbando. Cambia de personalidad cuando está enojada. Después de seguirla por todo el país para su doctorado (es en psicología por cierto,no menos), apoyándola hasta el final, sólo para que abandonara su tesis en el último minuto, para despues culparme por ella renunciar a la carrera. Recientemente creo que hemos entrado en la fase de devaluación / descarte. Durante los últimos dos años, he estado trabajando en ser lo mejor que puedo y siento que he hecho grandes mejoras. Hace 5 semanas, poco después de recibir un gran aumento, noté que ya no me necesitaba emocionalmente. Ella siempre ha sido una persona muy necesitada, así que supe que algo andaba mal. Revisé los registros telefónicos y descubrí una relación telefónica hora / día con un abogado amigo. Rápidamente se convirtió en su principal relación emocional, y cuando se enfrentó, me gritó por cosas en el pasado, y mostró ira, no remordimiento. Ella ha declarado repetidamente que ella "no tiene mucha empatía", y que ella "quiere un hombre que iría a los extremos de la Tierra para ella" -y es lo que hago. Después de pedirle al abogado que dejara de hablar con ella, dos veces, sin respuesta, lo amenacé con una demanda y si cortó comunicación . Ahora ella está enojada conmigo, me liga con bastante encanto para conseguir lo que quiere, y fría lejana, especialmente después de la intimidad. Podría seguir ... pero estoy tratando de averiguar si realmente está en el TNP Transtorno Narcisista de la Personalidad


 Muchas gracias,

"De repente golpeó"





Dear "golpeó",

Tu esposa podría ser una narcisista, pero para diagnosticarla necesitaría ver a un psiquiatra. Primero quisiera decir que no tengo un grado en psiquiatría lo único que puedo hacer es dar consejos de la experiencia y ayudar a desenterrar algunas investigaciones. Antes de entrar en la investigación me gustaría preguntar: "¿Qué demonios estás haciendo con esta mujer"? Veo que muchos hombres permanecen en relaciones abusivas y realmente necesito entender esto más. 

Ya entiendo por qué, pero estás pensando seriamente en pegar para salvar este accidente de tren? Me suena como si realmente no importa cuán lejos o cerca está de cualquier trastorno,está abusando de usted físicamente y financieramente. Acabo de participar en una conversación anterior en un grupo para las personas que apoyan a los hombres que son abusados. Este hombre publicó una foto de lo que su novia le hizo.

 Estoy seguro de que comenzó con bofetadas, pero con el tiempo esto escaló a ser apuñalado con un tenedor y en un cuchillo de carnicero. ¡Él casi muere! Esta mujer también ha confesado que tiene muy poca empatía, gracias a Dios que no terminó su tesis en psicología. Mi punto es que esta mujer es tóxica y he visto por experiencia lo que una mujer agresiva sin empatía es capaz de hacer. Son capaces de apuñalarte, atropellarte con un coche y tratar de sofocarte con una almohada mientras duermes.

Harán de tu vida un infierno vivo y luego dirán a la policía y a los tribunales que ERES el agresor. Usted declaró que usted es un hombre de 200 libras y estoy seguro de que tan pronto comience a llorar manipula a las autoridades y esa es su autodefensa. ¡Aléjate de ella y asegúrate de documentar todo cuanto pase!Según el DSM-5(Manual de Diagnostico de trastornos mentales)hay dos criterios que deben ser llenados para diagnosticar a una persona con un trastorno de la personalidad. 

El Criterio A se usa para probar el nivel de funcionamiento de la personalidad de un individuo. Esto se diagnostica adicionalmente mediante la evaluación de los rasgos de personalidad patológica de un individuo, el Criterio B. Así que si usted está buscando cuán lejos es el espectro de su esposa,mejor sería preguntar cuán extremos son sus rasgos de personalidad. 

Se puede notar incluso por expertos en el campo de la psiquiatría que "numerosas incoherencias potenciales en la conceptualización del narcisismo, incluyendo variantes en la descripción de su naturaleza (normal, patológica), fenotipo (grandiosidad, vulnerabilidad), expresión (abierta, encubierta) y Estructura (categoría, dimensión, prototipo). 

En las cuatro áreas de conceptualización, las descripciones de DSM del concepto han sido limitadas. "(Skodol, Bender, & amp; Morey 2014). También se observa en este artículo que hay muy poca investigación sobre el trastorno narcisista de la personalidad, sus manifestaciones, y el tratamiento disponible. En lo que respecta a la psiquiatría, el estudio de este trastorno de la personalidad carece. Esta es la razón por la que usted encontrará tantos de estos grupos de apoyo y páginas apareciendo por todo el Internet.

 Las víctimas de abuso narcisista generalmente no tienen idea de que fueron abusadas o se culpan por el abuso y racionalizarlo. Por otra parte, el tema tiene tan poca investigación,que cuando vayamos a la terapia somos invalidados más adelante en nuestras experiencias.



Trastorno Narcisista de la Personalidad (NPD) - Los Criterios DSM


  • Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) se encuentra en la lista de la Asociación Americana de Psiquiatría de Diagnóstico & amp; Manual estadístico (DSM) como un desorden del Eje II, grupo B (dramático, emocional o errático)
  •  
  • Un patrón omnipresente de grandiosidad (en fantasía o comportamiento), necesidad de admiración y falta de empatía, comenzando por la edad adulta temprana y presente en una variedad de contextos, como lo indican cinco (o más) de los siguientes:
  •  
  • Tiene un sentido grandioso de auto-importancia (por ejemplo, exagera los logros y talentos, espera ser reconocido como superior sin logros proporcionales)
  •  
  • Está preocupado por fantasías de éxito ilimitado, poder, brillantez, belleza o amor ideal
  •  
  • Cree que él o ella es "especial" y único y sólo puede ser entendido por, o debería asociarse con, otras personas especiales o de alto estatus (o instituciones)
  •  
  • Requiere admiración excesiva
  •  
  • Tiene una sensación de derecho, es decir, expectativas poco razonables de un trato especialmente favorable o un cumplimiento automático de sus expectativas
  •  
  • Es explotador interpersonal, es decir, se aprovecha de otros para lograr sus propios fines
  •  
  • Falta de empatía: no está dispuesta a reconocer o identificarse con los sentimientos y necesidades de los demás
  •  
  • A menudo es envidioso de los demás o cree que otros tienen envidia de él o ella muestra comportamientos arrogantes, altivos o actitudes

Conclusiones: Estos hallazgos sugieren que los criterios del DSM-IV para el trastorno de la personalidad narcisista son aspectos demasiado estrechos y poco enfatizados de los trastornos de la personalidad. Personalidad y experiencia interna que son empíricamente centrales en el trastorno. La visión más rica y diferenciada del trastorno de la personalidad narcisista sugerido por este estudio puede tener implicaciones de tratamiento y puede ayudar a salvar la brecha entre conceptos empíricamente y clínicamente derivados del trastorno "(2008). Este artículo continúa diciendo que "A pesar de su severidad y estabilidad (1, 2), el trastorno de la personalidad narcisista es uno de los trastornos de la personalidad menos estudiados". Se adjunta un útil estudio sobre el tema que le ayudará a explorar más a fondo lo que podría estar pasando. 


Saludos,












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March 4, 2017

What to do when going No Contact is not an option


If you are divorcing or "counterparenting" with a narcissist then going no contact might not be an option. Here are some ways to protect yourself against false allegations or worse


Free Q&A with a Lawyer


Dear Narcissist Problems,


I have recently married a person who I thought was the woman of my dreams but it turns out that I have just signed up for a nightmare with someone I believe is a narcissist. To make things more complicated we have a young son together.

Things seemed to go downhill soon after we got married. Today she started another argument and she started shouting and yelling in front of our son. I ask her to stop raising her voice and calm down for our sons sake. After I asked her multiple times to stop, I picked up my son and said that I was taking him to his grandma's house so he didn’t have to listen to his parents argue.

I didn’t raise my voice to her once. I simply disengaged from the arguement in an effort to leave before the situation got out of control. When I said I was leaving she picked up the phone and dialed 911 (the emergency number, you know for emergencies…) and continues to scream into the phone and told the operator that I was abducting our son.

Long story short the police arrived, they asked her to calm down and that I’m allowed to take my son anywhere I want. Then they suggested that one of us leave the home – which is exactly what I was trying to do before she called them.

The officer said that he has to file a report and it will get forwarded to social services.

We live in a nice neighborhood and I was embarrassed that the cops even had to come to my quiet street and now I'm just numb at what insanity just took place.

I want to end this relationship but I'm affraid that if I leave she will not let me see our son. After this incident I'm also affraid that she will continue to call the police on me and try to get me arrested for things that I have not done. I don't know how to deal with this and never thought I would end up in a situation like is happening. I could use any advice you have. What do I do?

Sincerely,

"Honeymoon is over"


Ask A Lawyer today for free

Dear "Honeymoon",




It seems as if you are getting ready to step into a high conflict divorce so I would arm yourself with knowledge on how to protect yourself against false allegations of abuse to her and to your child. You need a plan immediately and should consult with a family law attorney sooner rather than later. I'm not going to sugar coat this because you really need to see the gravity of your situation for what it probably is, as I write this your wife and her friends are probably plotting to take you down, take your assets, and your son.

This information is good to keep on hand if you are a man or a woman going through a divorce with a narcissist as either can be highly manipulative. You can find yourself in so many horrible situations that you won't even know what hit you and if a narcissist can ruin your relationship with your child then they will so be prepared for that!

10 Steps to protect yourself against false allegations while divorcing a narcissist


1. Consult with an Attorney.

You need to get a consulation with an attorney who specialized is family law and has some experience dealing with false allegations to abuse. You need to get in touch with an attorney as soon as possible because as the police officer stated he was submiting a file to social services.

This means that you and your wife will soon be getting a knock on the door from a social worker who will be there to investigate you both for abuse or neglect. Don't make the mistake of not protecting yourself at this very critical stage of your issue. These are legal matters that can and will determine your future relationship (if any!) you will have with your child!

 Ask a lawyer free Q&A is a great place to ask lawyers across the United States any legal questions you have. You will get responses from multiple lawyers so you know where you stand.  Depending on the outcome of today you will also have the option to hire a local lawyer in your area at a flat rate instead of an hourly fee. This is huge as many parents divorcing a narcissist are literally abused by legal fees alone.

2. You need to document the crazy!!!!


Start documenting all future interactions. Divorcing a narcissist can quickly turn into your worst nightmare as the abuse progresses. You want to have every single interaction documented so that things can't later be manipulated or just made up.

Communicate via e-mail, text. When you talk via Skype, have a screen recorder/audio recorder on. When things are getting heated at home, have a pocket recorder.
 In many states, it’s legal to record if you’re a party to the conversation and you give consent to being recorded (i.e. you don’t need her consent).
In states that it isn’t legal, You should do it anyway for your own peace of mind to counter any lies or gaslighting you encounter later. You are not losing your mind you are being narcissized!

 Follow up every single interaction with an email to state your understanding of events! When sending e-mails, in this instance it could be a quick “Dear Wife, I wanted to take our son out of the home because it is not healthy for him to see and hear either of his parents angry and screaming at the people he loves. When you were yelling at me your words were hurting him a lot” etc. If you can set up the email so that it documents that the email has been opened.

Here is a list of everything you need to document the crazy if you can't go No Contact with a narcissist

3. Don't stay silent because you are embarassed!

 Many victims of narcissists both male and female make the mistake of trying to keep the lid on the explosion that is about to take place. This happens either out of embarassment or shame.
Start sharing your situation with people you trust. Do not go talk to people you are mutually friends with trying to convince them that you are not a bad person. These are typically people who in your gut you know will talk to your spouse in a heart beat about anything you say or do so avoid these people like the black plague!

At this point in the narcissistic nightmare your narc is building a sizable witness list. You need to do the same. Take your son with you to someone your trust and share what has just happened. Make a point to also never discuss what is going on infront of your son! This is key! Children should never be thrown into adult situations so just don't!

4. Install surveilance cameras.

 At this moment, you and your wife are in verbal confrontation. This has a high potential to escalate into a physical confrontation as she provokes you. She can hit you, and then claim you hit her even if you call the cops. You need solid evidence to keep you from being imprisoned because this is a favorite tactic of narcissists when they are losing control of a situation.

The reality of the situation is that if it’s just her word against yours, you ARE going to jail. Instead, what you want to do is this: record EVERYTHING especially in your home especially if she is already exhibiting aggressive behavior towards you. Wait for her to call the cops. When she does, pull all the footage from the hidden cameras and show it to them.

Then, charge her with falsification/harassment. I know there are women reading this shaking their heads saying this information will help narcissistic male abusers but think about that line of thought real quick. If everything is being recorded then wouldn't that protect you both from false accusations?

5. Separate financially and be open and honest about it so she is aware.

Don't pull a scum bag manuever where the two of you have agreed that she will be a stay at home mom while you work and then close the accounts leaving her with zero means to get by, homeless and starving. That is also abusive behavior.

 If there are any disputes talk to your lawyer about them, document them, and sort it out in court but try to be as fair as possible because this action will say way more than words ever can especially in a courtroom when you will be accused of financial abuse. Make sure you document every last cent that is going in and out of any accounts. Take out your share of cash from the joint accounts, give her a share, and document it! Further, immediately deactivate credit cards that you’re sharing with her. The last thing you need to deal with while divorcing a narcissist are maxed out credit cards!

6. Start building some quality time with your son. You want your son to not be coachable by your wife or her attorney. This is the stage that parental alienation really comes on in full force as an abusive parent tries to make a good parent out to be a child molesting serial killer who is hiding bodies all over the county.

 Try to keep your sons life as stable as possible and try to maintain a positive role model. Take your son out on some amazing trips where you two can bond: fishing, biking, etc. Take pictures of you guys having fun. One night, sit him down and explain what is happening in simple terms. Do NOT use this as an opportunity to bash your wife! Again, don't be that guy.

It's important that your son is aware of big changes that are taking place especially when those changes involve his family separating! Tell him to not be afraid and that you love him and always will. Further, always try to have a third party around instead of just going out with your son alone as many narcissists like to make false allegations of abuse when good parents do spend time alone with their children. Bring along another family member or someone else you would trust with your life.

7. Hire an Attorney. 

This is not the same as getting a consultation with initial advice. You want to be prepared and you do NOT want to have a high conflict divorce without one! Make sure that you give your attorney all your documentation and keep them up to date on what is going on. Everytime a police report is made or a social worker shows up call your lawyer ASAP!


8. Have a home not a bachelor pad! 

You want to see your son after the divorce right? You are in the middle of false allegations of whatever right? You do not want YOUR SON, police, or social services coming to a party pad! Your new home should be inviting, relaxing, and have enough rooms for everyone.

You want to let your son know that there is still space for him in your life. In an effort to do this he will need his own room, toys, and clothing. There is nothing worse for a child than to feel as though they don't belong even if you didn't mean to make them feel that way so always have his space clean and welcoming.


9. Mentally prepare yourself for the coming months or years.

There is nothing worse than divorcing a narcissist if you are not mentally prepared for the long haul ahead of you. You need to research your state laws, federal laws, and anything in between that could have an effect on your situation.

Being mentally prepared also means that you are finding emotional support. You don't necessarily need the support to be from those in your life but surround yourself with people who understand what you are going through. This could start by finding a place to vent when the poo really does hit the fan. It also helps because you will have others to give you perspective on the situation.

Make sure that your support system is not just a breeding ground for hate. If you find yourself in a support group of all men who hate every women on planet earth then this environment can also take a toll on your mental health. All or nothing people can have distorted thinking and they can be men or women so protect your mind from all or nothing view points.

Further, find a therapist who specifically deals with trauma and high conflict relationships. Don't put the therapy off because you will need it. You have to protect your mental health from disease and decay just as you do your body so don't just brush off a therapist because you think your not in need. You will be!

You can also become a member of our network for free by following this link. This is a support group where you can connect with others going through similar situations with full control over your own profile and free account. Create groups, topics, or even blog about your situation. Further, you may create an anonymous profile so that you can share what your going through without being further harassed online.

10. File for Divorce and realize that co-parenting with a narcissist in reality is counter-parenting.

You will need to make documenting your interactions with your ex-narcissist. These individuals do not know how to get along for the sake of their children. You need to protect yourself and your children from their toxic behaviors as much as possible. 

It might seem insane to most people that this information even needs to exisist but do yourself a favor and don't ignore a situation that could turn into losing your rights to your child. It happens to men and women every single day because they don't realize what they are up against. A normal person can't even begin to predict the nightmare situations that narcissists will create. When they get into divorce they find out really quickly that child protective services doesn't only show up for abused children they show up to investigate any claim your narcissist can get away with making. Good luck to you!

Regards,

Narcissist problems

If going No Contact is not an option for you then you should implement the following:



DIY DETECTIVE GADGETS



     If you are dealing with a narcissist then you know they are masters at manipulation. They lie, steal, and frame with a stealth ease. If you are dealing with gaslighting and other methods of crazy making then you need to get a little proactive. I always suggest going No Contact because a narcissist will never change but there are some situations where it is almost impossible to go no contact.

      For instance, you are "co-parenting" and need to communicate because you share children. Narcissists love to use these forced interactions to perpetuate their abuse. Many times they make it impossible to function as they continuously manipulate situations to use against you in court to punish you for existing. If you have no choice but to interact with a narcissist then you are going to need to go inspector gadget on them. Whatever you need to do to document the crazy make sure that you are doing it!

Record Keeping


     You should be breaking out a journal and documenting your own day everyday. Write a quick note about what you did that day. Get in the habit of saving receipts and if you go anywhere try to write down where and what time. You really never know when or if this information will be useful but its better to make it a habit than get blindslided next month by a surprise knock on your door from child protective services because "someone" made an anonymous call about you. Also, record your interactions with the narcissist. You can bring these notes up in court later to recall anything the narcissist might say you did or where you were. Don't get railroaded!

Keep a 12 Month planner but instead of writing your schedule or to-do list, use it as your daily documentation. It will resemble a "diary" but it is way more organized and to the point. Make sure to get a planner with dates every year so you are motivated to stay ontop of your documentation. This isn't a once weekly task. You should be doing this daily until you no longer have to deal with this narcissist.


     If you are being stalked or simply harassed its a good idea to keep track of any strange cars, people, and clothing, and incidents. You want to know the time, date, who was there, what happened, where did it happen, where there cars involved? Whats the plate number, color, make, and model. I'm serious about my stalking documentation. This comes in very handy when the narc has flying monkeys following you around. This log will also help you keep track of their information incase you need to take a flying monkey to court as well. You never know whats going to happen. The better your documentation the better your chances of putting this nightmare to an end.

      This is a police incident notebook that has special fields for any information that would need to be documented per police and court records. Also, Make sure that you have a special file for all your documentation because it really ads up. The last thing you need is an unorganized mess to deal with. Get one of those accordion files with multiple slots and then label the slots by month. Get a new one every year and keep those records forever if you need to.



     The next thing you need is an actual journal or something for detailed notes. The planner is a short run down of your day. The police notebook to keep track of each "incident" with documentation that will hold up in court. The last thing is some place to keep details of your incounters with the narcissist. This journal will be like the Police notebooks best friend. 

     You want to sync your journal with the dates in the police journal which is used for brief but factual information. You want to use your journal to describe what happened and you want to do it while the incident is fresh on your mind. You want to tell your story in detail so that you don't forget anything six months down the line. You also need this to remind yourself who else was there and if there were any reports made. This combo of police field note and journal will really come in handy when you are dealing with a police department that refuses to make a report. Further, your lawyer will LOVE the crap out of you for making their job so much easier.



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