November 5, 2017

Soul Murder Via Spiritual Cannibalism: A Slow Death by The Machiavellian Exploitation of One’s Mind

Soul Murder Via Spiritual Cannibalism




A Slow Death by The Machiavellian Exploitation of One’s Mind


When we hear the terms murder or manslaughter we usually only think of the physical death of the body via the negligent or willful actions of another. It is something typically done with intention resulting from hate, anger, or a rage that you can feel, see, and touch. You can point a finger to a cause of death and find the weapon and eventually the killer. You can hold someone accountable for murder and manslaughter. Many rarely think of attempted murder as the repeated and intentional cruelty inflicted upon another in the form of berating, ostracizing, damaging the good character of, or tainting the victim in a negative light to all who will encounter them.

There is another form of death perpetrated by narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths that is spiritually cannibalistic in nature and an encounter with one of these individuals results in a long drawn out affair of soul annihilation. There is nothing quick or painless about it.  This experience leaves many pleading for a physical death as they reach into their very core in search of one last shard of hope in a bottomless pit of despair.


Soul Murder is The Direct Result of Spiritual Cannibalism

Soul cannibalism results in soul murder and is a highly calculated, concealed, and methodical form of attempted murder where the essence of the victim’s being is literally devoured by the abuser as if the victim’s soul sustains their life force.  They will continue to feed until there is nothing left but an empty shell of a former human being. The term “soul murder” was first coined by 19th century playwright Henrik Ibsen who defined it as, “the destruction of the love of life in another human being.”  Soul murder was then brought into modern psychiatric dialog in 1991 by psychoanalyst Leonard Shengold in two books on the topic as primarily applied to childhood neglect and deprivation. Therein “soul murder” was given a name and legitimacy.

Soul Murder is nothing short of when the soul is shattered and maimed as a result of prolonged exposure to coercive control and covert abuse.  One’s identity, essence, and contentment with life are indisputably eradicated from existence. This process often takes years or even decades before the actual death of the physical body.  It is not quick with a few moments of bloodshed as seen with a legally chargeable offense.  The end result is a victim left with no choice but to put an end to the misery once and for all.

Shengold articulately wrote that Soul Murder is to deprive an individual “of his or her own identity and ability to experience joy in life.” He described the phenomenon as resulting from tactics such as arbitrary edicts and a chronic lack of empathy which cause a victim’s vitality, confidence and joy to slowly erode, until the victim’s soul is completely gone.
As many survivors of psychological and emotional abuse can attest leaving this hell on earth usually only becomes possible once we can name and validate our experiences.  Until reaching the point of comprehension in that we are experiencing psychological or emotional abuse we are standing there scratching our heads while attending therapy once a week trying to pinpoint what is wrong with us and how to fix it.


Soul Cannibals are Difficult to Pinpoint


Soul Cannibals are found in every walk of life from your church pews to the seediest of dive bars.  There isn’t a stereotypical look of these toxic executioners, but you can almost bet these predators are well liked and stellar members of society.  Either that or they can take on the role of perpetual victim and need your help as a great problem solver which makes them even more difficult to spot. 

Moreover, they will use numerous strategies to bait their victims in which makes it very difficult to spot outright. It can even be very difficult for someone who is aware of soul cannibalism to spot one of these predators.  In turn, those who are not familiar with or previously exposed to this type of attempted murder are unable to comprehend it. The inability for many to name and pinpoint soul cannibalism and soul murder results in victims who are not being believed, dragging them further down the spiral of invalidation, delegitimization, self-doubt and erosion of being. 

Those who commit soul murder can take on many roles and come from even the most sacred relationships.  The soul cannibal could be a relative, friend, spouse, or neighbor.  In other words, they could be anyone, they are everywhere, and it is almost impossible to know who they are until you have already been reeled in for their abuse.  However, their behaviors will almost always give them away.  These perpetrators all use the same weapons so trust your gut and if something tells you things are not right then look for the following behaviors. 

Soul murder Weapons: Gas Lighting, Character Assassination, Crazy-Making

Narcissistic, psychopathic, and sociopathic abuse takes place when one of these personality disordered individuals attempt to convince their victim, slowly over months or years, that they are “crazy”.  At the same time, they will campaign against their victims by informing the rest of the world all the things wrong and all the wrong doing done to them by the actual victim. 

They paint themselves in a great light and as the protector and savior to the real victim.  They are only trying to help.  They have no idea why the victim is so angry.  The victim must have a chemical imbalance. They are so concerned for the victim and they need your help to help them! They make an unwarranted effort to earn the love of the victim’s family and friends.  This effort will pay off years down the road when all have been triangulated against each other forcing the victim into further isolation and depression. 

These predators employ an arsenal of methods such as character assassination and gaslighting. The Gaslighting will be used in order to get their victim(s) to doubt their own sanity and wonder if they are the one at fault, the “crazy one”.  After instance of gaslighting will also be used to assassinate the character of the victim to others as they are told that you are “irrational” “illogical” or “psychotic” because of XYZ (insert your reaction to manipulated situation created by the soul cannibal exclusively to piss you off).

Survivors of attempted soul murder and those around them have their perception of reality intentionally skewed.  The victim’s flaws are exaggerated and expanded upon and then used to convince others of their “pathologies”.  Little quirks will be blown into the victim having a full-fledged disorder according to their abuser. The finger is chronically pointed at the victim who typically will spend numerous hours trying to find out exactly what is wrong with them rather than question the accusations being made in the first place. 

How Soul Cannibals Accomplish Soul Murder


For example, spending money on an expensive item, or even on basic needs, will be turned into the victim being bi-polar and spending out of control which results in all financial assets being turned over to the coercive control of their “caretaker”. The victim may even end up agreeing with any unqualified diagnosis their perpetrator throws at them based upon the exaggerations made by their murderous tormentor.  These unqualified diagnoses are further solidified as fact when the perpetrator begins getting involved in the victim’s medical care.  

Initially the victim trusts their abuser and usually will not question the abuser when they want to speak with medical staff alone.  This opportunity is used to alert all doctors and psychologists that the victim is a pathological liar and then lists all the criteria for whatever diagnosis they have labeled their victim with. With their flaws magnified the victim inadvertently agrees with statements made to medical staff pertaining to their own behavior.  “Why yes I did spend a lot of money last week” not aware that the abuser has told the staff that the victim drained their bank account. These little instances will add up to a proper diagnosis that will help the perpetrator get away with financial exploitation, among other abuses.

Situations are literally manufactured, and the truth becomes so obscured that the victim of this psychological warfare begins to doubt themselves. This can be done by omitting important details of a situation or by outright lying that key events never took place.  When confronted with the truth the abuser will have such a convincing reaction and be so emphatic with their response that you begin to doubt your own perception of that key event. The soul cannibal will come up with some extremely convincing lies baked in a half- truth pie. They will also do and say things to deliberately upset their victims. When the victim asserts themselves and demands truth, they are then put down, mocked, or shamed for overreacting or misunderstanding the intentions of their soul murderer. 

The erosion of self is escalated when the predator makes light of and invalidates anything the victim is feeling. In normal human relationships there is usually a mutual give and take of sharing our perceptions and feelings when we feel hurt.  This is the opportunity an empathy less predator takes to invalidate the victim’s feelings and opinions.  They take this a step further by berating the victim’s choices and calling them illogical or irrational. 
These predators will literally put down and then laugh at their victims when they react to the abuse and then slowly get others to join in on their abuse.  

When the victim brings up valid points or begins to question their tormentor they will be told that they simply have a very large imagination. Those who experience this type of invalidation have their reality so distorted that they end up apologizing for mistakes and transgressions the abuser made.  The focus turns to the victims out of control reaction or illogical thoughts rather than on the actual behavior or series of manufactured events that created the reaction in the first place.

If the victim decides to leave the relationship and sever ties with their abuser, then this predator puts every stop in the road that they can possibly dream up. The abuse turns from covert to very overt.  The victim is no longer questioning the abuse because they are able to name the relationship dynamics as abusive. The gig is up, and you are on to them and they know it.  With this one truth the soul cannibal becomes hell bent on destroying their victim.

At this point the soul assassin begin to harass them, relentlessly spy on them, follow them, call their job to get them fired, call social services to report them as bad parents, and call their family and friends to let them know the victim has gone psychotic and they need help.  These killers systematically dismantle all that their victims know and love.  They destroy any relationship the victim has with people who would normally help them.
Isolation and a skewed self- perception is the reality for many victims of psychological and emotional abuse. 

Yes, there is another form of murder that a human may experience which is not physical at first but often results in suicide if the victim remains in the relationship. Victims of these soul predators are indisputably turned into the walking dead as they are lost drudging through their daily life unaware of the covert tactics being inflicted upon them.  There is a fog a victim ends up walking through during their daily life that leaves the abuse just outside of conscious awareness.  Those who experience this abuse are so tormented they sometimes wish, hope, and pray for the official follow through of being murdered because a physical death appears to be the only way to put an end to the suffering. 

Most people don’t get it, they don’t understand that what we have gone through was unmistakably attempted murder.  It is an attempt at murder that unfortunately one will not fully understand until they have experienced it. We don’t have broken bones or bleeding wounds to alert others that we are dying and in desperate need of help.  We only have our bleeding hearts and shattered souls. We have a death rattle in our breathing, but it can’t be heard.  There is no way to ask someone to throw out a life raft in this ocean of sorrow so that we may be pulled to safety because there is no apparent danger of drowning. We are drowning from the inside out and may not even realize we need to be saved until it is too late. 


How Soul Cannibals Get Away with Murder, Time and Time Again


Well, narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths are masters at manipulating people.  Not only do they spend exorbitant amounts of time manipulating their victims they are also manipulating everyone else who comes into contact with the victim.  They are universally known by survivors of this type of abuse to be great at painting the victims as unstable and irrational which results in their being ostracized and isolated from family, friends and supports.  Soul cannibals expertly hide their abusive and coercive behavior by concealing it in false concern.

The soul cannibal is a chameleon and smooth talker. Everything is done behind a veil and always behind the scenes. The abuse is carefully orchestrated in order to make the predator look good and the victim look bad, REALLY bad. To those watching from the outside nothing will seem amiss most of the time except the problems and issues the victim is having.  This happens because manipulative and coercive tactics take place secretly, outside of people's awareness, and any “issues” are easily explained away by the abuser.

Couple this secrecy with years of manipulation of people and environment and it becomes impossible for professionals who enter the scene late in the stage to see that the victim does not have a chemical imbalance in need of regulating or a mood disorder. They have years of hospital records pointing to the victim as having problems. This is solidified by the fact that most victims are by then brainwashed to never tell anyone what is going on inside of the relationship with their abuser. The victim has been properly groomed to protect their tormentor. When these victims finally reach the end of their rope and commit suicide all factors point toward chronic depression, mood disorders, chemical imbalances and not abuse.


The End Result: Soul Murder or Soul Rape

The victim is eventually forced into an existential house of mirrors of not knowing what their reality is because their abuser has altered and put a spin on even the smallest of perceptions. When leaving a relationship like this it doesn’t matter if the soul murderer was a friend, spouse, or close relative the result is the same.  The victim feels tainted and dirty and unable to wash away the “sin”.  When victims get out alive they have been soul raped. Those who are not so lucky are soul murdered via suicide.

Repeatedly, the victim is forced to question what the abuser says to them, about them, and to others. They are left in the pure filth and taint of being labeled as and treated by others as a pathological liar, a thief, or worse the abuser of their abuser!  The psychological manipulation is done largely outside of conscious awareness. These survivors are eventually conditioned to think of themselves as crazy, evil, “damaged goods,” etc.  - just what the soul cannibal wants them to believe.

The Soul Murderer, when carrying out these covert campaigns, goes faceless and undercover to everyone outside of the relationship so no one will ever know about their abuse and no one will be held accountable. The longer time goes by and the more the victim tries to defend themselves against the onslaught of coercive tactics, the more severe the abuse inevitably becomes. The narcissist, psychopath, or sociopath has ahead of time arranged a cavalcade of unwitting “flying monkeys” - other people who believe the abuser’s stories who help to drive the victim to madness. The flying monkeys may even be abusers themselves, so they enjoy the thrill of the hunt along with their predator friend.

To sooth their own relentless existential torment, in a life that has become devoid of joy and meaning, the victim may turn to drugs or alcohol as a means of escape which enforces the abuser’s accusations that the victim is out of control. They generally develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and/or complex traumatic stress disorder as a result of not being able to release their tension, anxiety, and emotional suffering for years as they endured their own attempted murder. The course of events is inevitable should the victim not receive help. The abuser will never quit abusing and the victim will be eradicated to the core resulting in their devaluation, dehumanization, and suicide.

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Soul Death Can Take Years, Even Decades


The process of soul murder can occur over the course of years and decades - even thirty years or more. And the victim knows all too well that even if they did escape the situation the abuser would follow and torment them for the rest of their life.  Ruining all future relationships and jobs, thus decimating their future life. The soul cannibal has become, in essence, omnipotent.

The victim will be made to feel like they are literally worthless.  They are nothing in this world left to stew in an irrefutable existential torment. A victim will eventually feel no meaning in life, have nowhere to go and that nobody wants them -  except for the narcissistic, psychopathic, or sociopathic abuser. The process is complete. They are literally a hostage to the parasitic soul murderer. Their joy for life has departed leaving the victim too weak to even claw their way out of the depths of hell.  The journey seems impossible.


From Death of Soul to Death of Body


Soul murder victims all too often carry the secret of the abuse to their graves, unable to articulate or receive legal or psychological validation they sadly frequently take their own lives by suicide. Some victims may not even want to kill themselves intentionally but rather desperately seek to escape through drugs/alcohol and end in accidental death.

Others may not turn to substance abuse at all, but may end up suffering chronic medical issues from the relentless stress, which will lead to their physical death.  Stress is a proven cause of a myriad of health problems, such as stroke and heart attack, many of which can be fatal even if one happens to escape their abuser.  

The end result is either death by suicide or death by stress. This type of abuse is the gift from hell that keeps on giving because even in the best of situations the victim will be riddled with permanent health issues created by the stress.


Speaking About the Unspeakable

Suicide is such a taboo topic especially speaking about it after the deed has been done.  It is almost sacrilegious to point a finger at another human being after the suicide of a loved one and say, “this happened because of you!” and then hold that person accountable for their actions that ultimately pushed another person off of a cliff.

We think to ourselves “what if I’m wrong about this?”  “What if they were just clinically depressed or had a chemical imbalance?”.  We bite our tongues because we know the guilt we might induce in the person we are pointing our own fingers at.  We wouldn’t wish that guilt on anyone. This is a normal empathetic reaction that stops us from pursuing the issue any further. 

We are unable to wrap our minds around the fact that these predators do not share in our empathy and compassion. They enjoyed what they did. The worst part of all?  They will NEVER feel guilty or any remorse for murdering someone but rather proud of themselves for being so crafty and skillful as to manipulate a person into their own grave.

In life and in death there is little justice or accountability to be had for these spiritual cannibals. The sick part is that as a society we watch this form of murder happen and many times turn a blind eye to it. When our souls are murdered the very core of our being is chiseled away into almost nothing and we are left there not even realizing that we don’t have depression due to some act of nature but rather an ongoing psychological warfare inflicted by another human being.  We are told to “grow some balls” or “put on our big girl panties” instead.


Becoming the Voice You Needed to Hear

It has been over 5 years since going no contact with my own soul assassin. As many of you know I have been helping a friend leave one of the most malignant of narcissistic species I have seen to date. A conversation we had the other night prompted the writing of this article. I’d like for all of us to be able to identify and name soul cannibalism for what it is, and I ask all of you to continue talking about your experiences because the laws do need to change.  

We need to share our stories.  These criminals need to be held accountable for their verbal actions and manipulations that lead so many victims of psychological and emotional abuse into committing suicide simply to escape their grotesque reality. When I hear someone tell a victim “why don’t you just leave” I am filled with a burning rage because I know first-hand that “just leaving” is usually not an option.  One must literally “just disappear”.  It has nothing to do with willpower, being a strong or weak person, or any other life skills that society would deem acceptable. These people are predators and like all known predators to man they will continue to stalk and hunt their prey.

As I spoke with my friend she was saying thank you for helping her get free of this person who had spent the last 7 years slowly erasing her.  I thought for a moment at everything that has taken place over the past several months and my own actions actually made me question my own sanity a bit. I must be insane, but I know that a certain amount of insanity is going to be needed to slay this beast.  I went all in on this one. It’s been an outright spiritual battle for all involved on our end.

I’ve been aware of my friend’s situation for a few years and always offered the same advice “get out while you still can!”.  She called me one day completely broken down, alone, scared but determined after months of not hearing from her, and she said, “I have to get away, things are really bad, and I need help”. These were words I have been waiting to hear from her since I first learned of her situation.

The day she left, and I was on the way to pick her up (she was not “allowed” to drive and all her ID’s, license, passport, and bank cards were being held hostage) she started to send messages that the narcissist was trying to have her committed to the psych ward with the help of their “marriage therapist” who happens to live across the street and allows him to torment her from her home now. By the time I reached our meeting point she was being hauled away by ambulance and a police escort for an involuntary psychiatric evaluation because the narcissist said she was “off her meds and psychotic” after she told him she wanted a divorce.  

I rushed to the hospital and have been doing my own special advocate bat shit crazy on this case ever since. My own traumas flaring up as a result of such a similar situation. When she said thank you I realized all that those words meant because once you are in the depths of narcissistic hell the way out usually involves one of two options: disappear or just check out of life. Helping her can only be described as being the equivalent of giving spiritual CPR. There is no other option once you see and can label attempted soul murder.  You have no choice as a survivor but to go all in because we know first hand that nobody else will and that inaction from all involved could end up killing somebody.

I thought about the forums, groups and pages started by survivors geared toward narcissistic abuse awareness and in that moment, I was so proud of this entire community of healing warriors of narcissistic abuse.  I explained to my friend the nature of a narcissistic abuse survivor which is to advocate and fight for other survivors usually without question. I also explained that one day when this is over she will most likely be unable to stop herself from doing the same thing as many of us.

We hear the truth in a stranger’s story and almost in self-preservation we come to their aid because we know what it was like to be standing in their shoes alone. Once you become involved with other survivors you immediately identify with them. It seems to be a part of our own healing process to help other survivors see their way out.  Even more to the spirit of a survivor is our willingness to go above and beyond for justice in the defense of another survivor which is what makes this community so beautiful in the first place. The only way to go from victim to survivor of this form of abuse is to completely and utterly cut all contact with these predators and anyone associated with them.  This can be especially painful when they are blood family, but it is possible. 

From one survivor to another, it is an extremely long road to recovery, but you are no longer alone. We are waiting over here on the other side of that nightmare for you to join us on the road to healing and awareness. More specifically, we need you to help us create change within our legal system for all of the victims who have lost their lives to this silent abuse. We need you here to share your story.  So, if you are feeling, in this moment, that suicide is your only option just know that on the other side of that pain there is hope and there is purpose you just need to make it there and you CAN make it there.

Regards,









May 12, 2017

Read The Little Black Book of Bat Shit Crazy Free with Kindle Unlimited




The Little Black Book of Bat Shit Crazy!





This book is filled with Narcissistic predicaments every survivor finds themselves in. This forecast of narcissistic moods and behaviors should be read by anyone who is dating, getting married, getting divorced, wondering why your family hates you, questioning your sanity, or if you are just human and leave your house with the possibility of interacting with other humans. If you have listened to others who have experienced life with a narcissist then you know it's as if every narcissist was handed a playbook that guides them on how to abuse their victims to inflict the maximum amount of damage. If there ever was a Narc Manual then this is it. The knowledge within these pages will help you spot narcissistic behavior in order to avoid forming relationships with toxic people while simultaneously being your "ah ha" moment if you happen to already be in one of these high conflict nightmares. The information provided here is for both men and women and is not intended to be used as a tool for learning how to manipulate a narcissist. This is for your own knowledge to protect yourself from emotional and psychological abuse. I’m sharing this with the hopes that when and/or if you spot this behavior you can steer clear of these train wrecks.



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April 20, 2017

The perpetual victimhood of a covert narcissist

These narcissists are sly, manipulative, exploitative, and will hit you like a train wreck on an idle monday afternoon when you least expect it!





Dear Narcissist Problems,

 I have read tons on narcissistic behavior, and have a couple of questions. My family has an individual who displays mostly passive narcissistic traits, but we have been at our wits end for years dealing with her being an extreme hypochondriac. She also has an insatiable need for attention.

She will drink, pop pills, and then call everyone for days complaining of how sick she is. We used to try to help her solve whatever problem she was complaining about. The problem is that she always rejects any solutions we could come up with. It’s almost like she just wanted to complain for the sake of complaining and it has really taken a toll on us as a family.

If we try to change the subject, or avoid "feeding the monster", we are accused of being insensitive and cruel. Also, if we try to make suggestions for getting well, she shoots them down immediately. She is highly skilled at using guilt of all kinds to try and get her needs met. ANY suggestions are welcome! Thank you for offering your time and effort with this group!

Sincerely,

“Sick and tired of being sick and tired”

 The victim stance is a powerful one. The victim is always morally right, neither responsible nor accountable, and forever entitled to sympathy.
-Ofer Zur Ph.D.


Dear “Sick and Tired”,

 I believe what you are referring to is a covert narcissist and they are manipulating people with what is known as help-reject-complain. It seems like your narcissistic family member has their need for attention met by playing on your sympathy and getting attention by either feigning an illness or down right making themselves sick.  What happens when we are sick?  People who care about us want to make us comfortable, they want to help us, and they will usually go out of their way to do this.  I know I usually do when someone I care about is sick. Before diving into this any further I’d like to take a moment to just say that there is a big difference between people with a chronic illness who have no control over their illness and might complain about side effects from medications and symptoms of their condition.

 What I will be explaining is specific to the manipulation tactics of a narcissist and not someone who may have a chronic illness or even illnesses associated with being abused by a narcissist. I wanted to make this distinction because another thing narcissists enjoy doing is dismissing the illnesses of others because that would distract the focus away from themselves. This is being written from the viewpoint that we are only speaking from a place where a narcissist is manipulating their family by pretending to be sick or intentionally making themselves sick.  

 The insatiable need for attention is the hallmark of a narcissist.  This is why I like to refer to them as emotional vampires.  They will suck you dry and leave you believing that you are the one who is tragically flawed for not feeding into whatever need they are trying to have met by you. 
 Narcissists, in general, will do many things to get their own needs met.

They might do this with various tactics to manipulate you, scapegoat you, triangulate you and your family & friends, or play the pity card. In this case your narcissistic family member is sabotaging their own health, rejecting any solutions to the health problem, and then complaining that nobody cares or nobody is helping them when you should be…at least you would be if you were a “good” person. How dare you if you question their illness or bring up the fact that their actions alone are directly making them ill. If you end up dealing with someone who takes money from you that you have donated or given to them under the assumption that they were really ill and you later found out that it was all a lie then please call the police and if they won't help ask a lawyer what to do here.

Here is where we see the covert narcissist in action. The covert narcissist is a perpetual victim in every way, shape, and form. They can be shy but not necessarily. Their tactics are different than the overt narcissist in that they are very sly, sneaky, and manipulative but do it in a way that goes unnoticed most of the time. These are the people who you always find yourself feeling sorry for. Somebody is always found to be taking advantage of them and breaking their hearts. They can actually be very clingy and needy. There is this helpless vulnerability they use as bait to reel in their next victim.

Once you spend enough time with them then you slowly realize that all of those awful people that did them wrong might not have actually done them so wrong because they start talking about you the same way. This usually happens when you call them out on their manipulative behavior or assert boundaries where you let yours fall. We get so caught up in the moment of showing this person that not all humans are there to take advantage of them and that there are some good people left on earth that you end up falling prey and becoming THEIR victim! We become enslaved with the idea that we will show them that one person on this earth will not screw them over. Little did we know at the beginning we were walking into a spider’s web covered by smoke and mirrors.

Help-rejecting-complainer, what does this mean?



A help-rejecting complainer is a pattern of behavior a person expresses when they ask for help but they are not motivated to change or actually find help for their problems. This isn’t only limited to medical issues. This could be a common pattern used by people who have issues with money, relationships, jobs, or anything else that would require change. The challenge with this pattern of behavior is that sometimes people build their entire identities upon their problems so actually getting help or changing the problematic behavior is out of the question because this is now who they are. This person IS their problem and in many cases they become their failures and mistakes. Moreover, they enjoy the attention that they recieve from their illness and like the lady below might enjoy the attention from others of how "strong" they are after dealing with so much illness.

          This is two sides of a story from the perspective of the person with the alleged illness and the story from her daughter who says she is faking the illness. The short video below is the actual truth. Watching these two short videos will really help put your situation into some perspective as to what you are dealing with. 

Both sides of the story



The Truth



 In other words, being weak and vulnerable and incapable is who they have become. If they actually did take your offer for help and did the work to change then who would they be after that? I think that actually getting the help might actually terrify some people because they don’t know who they are beyond that problem. It’s like walking into no man’s land while wearing a blind fold. It should also be said that this behavior is not something only narcissists do, a lot of people are help-rejecting complainers but they don’t realize it. Covert narcissists are just REALLY GOOD at being help-rejecting complainers.

Help-rejecting complainers and the perpetual victimhood of a covert narcissist


A covert narcissist is always asking for help but they simply want your pity because that’s the way they have learned to get attention. Their chronic illness is being in a chronic state of chaos that needs immediate attention whether that is chaos related to their health issues, money, or relationships. They are the perpetual victim of their own bodies, the medical establishment, their land lord, mortgage company, bad paying jobs, lack of education, their own string of bad decisions (due to their bad upbringing or being picked on), or bad group of friends or horrible family members who use and abuse them. They have a problem and they can’t solve it on their own so they ask for your help.

These are very one sided relationships where you find yourself consistently in the role of listener, problem solver, and caretaker. There is no give and take and there is no interest in your life. This person does not care about anything going on in your life and if you do have a problem it will be immediately dismissed and the conversation redirected back to their problem that needs to be solved. They need your help and they need it now!

However, this person doesn’t want help, they don’t want to change, and the last thing they want is a real solution. They want someone to wave a magic wand and say “problem be gone!” and POOF their problem disappears without any effort on their part. Then the same problems continue to pop up over and over again the longer you know them. You offer solutions and every single one is shot down.

Rejecting solutions to the problems


To a narcissist only you can solve their problem by being their caretaker, loaning them money, or by fixing the problems that they created in their own lives by yourself. When you offer solutions for their problems that would permanently solve the issue then your idea is immediately rejected and you are told why that solution just will not work for them.

They wrecked their car again? They become helpless victims of their insurance companies and other bad drivers instead of considering the fact that they should stop taking their Xanax before getting behind the wheel of a car. The only solution they see is for you to take care of the mess and help them get a new car. When you bring up the fact that this is the third car wreck they have had and each time they complained about how their medication made them drowsy and they dozed off behind the wheel so they shouldn’t drive after taking their medication you are shot down. 

The narcissist will remind you that they “can’t go out without their medication because being at Walmart gives them anxiety”. You suggest that they start asking for rides instead of driving if they can’t leave without taking medication then you are rejected again because “they don’t want to rely on others!” or you get blamed for “trying to control them and take away their independence”. The only solution is that they need a new car and you need to help them get one.  

Their friend keeps borrowing money and not paying them back? This is probably an excuse for the narcissist spending too much and being bad with money but let’s go along with their problem of the friend taking advantage of them.  You suggest that they should keep track of their money to make sure that they have enough to cover their bills before loaning to others because this is the fourth time this year their friends have left them high and dry. Even more if they don’t have the money right now their lights will get shut off, they won’t have heat because they need to pay the gas bill, or their landlord is so strict if rent is even one minute late they will be evicted.

 Well instead of just not loaning out the money in the first place they need to borrow it from you so they can come up with their rent again. In this case they are the victim to the mooch friend, the electric company, the gas company, or their cruel landlord who is demanding rent on time or risk getting evicted. If you don’t shell over the money today then they will be on the streets! Then they will be the victim of you and their fixed income! Never mind learning how to budget their money.

They have diabetes and consistently complain about the side effects of their medications and their body falling apart. At the same time they are still eating junk food all day while watching TiVo. with the only time they spend walking is going to the refrigerator or bathroom. Never mind changing their diet or starting a routine to become active. They can’t get any exercise because they are too sick to get up and walk. They can’t eat better because they don’t have the money to buy healthy food even if they are on public assistance and brag about selling their extra food stamps to the neighbor. You suggest a budget again, not selling food stamps, and setting little goals to walk a little further each day.  

The list of things goes on and on and on but a real solution will never be accepted. And here we are being consistently asked for help and every solution to permanently solve the problem has been rejected, dismissed, or flat out ignored. The worst part? Now they are mad at you for “judging them” or “being overly critical” and because you are “so uncaring and unkind”. How dare you.

Now they still have all these problems plus one more, you! They continue to complain about all the problems they ask your help for but now they start calling others to complain. Included in this list of complaints is now you and your behavior that has offended them.

Take a moment to think about these episodes of attention seeking and try to remember if there was an increase in health issues from this family member when drama and chaos were at a low. I guess what I’m wondering about right now is if this narcissist has created some rifts in the family by causing drama or ruining relationships or if there is a lull in drama. Did they spend the holidays solo? Have they lost any other sources of supply for attention?  You might be surprised to notice that this person tends to get ill if other people in their lives have been staying away from them due to their toxic behavior and general destructiveness. You might also notice if things in the family have been peaceful and a little quiet there might be a sudden medical emergency they need help with.

  In my own experience with my Narcissistic mother she loved to create storms of drama.  She wasn’t able to function if there wasn’t some tragedy going on in her life.  When there was something awful going on she was at her best.  Happy, energetic, smiling, and on that phone gossiping with whoever would listen.  As we know about gossip and human nature people usually love to listen to what is going on with others and the same goes for tragedies and emergencies.

  When she couldn’t stir something up she became depressed and would stay in bed until 2 or 3 p.m.  She would come down with chronic illnesses acutely. Mark my words, as soon as some shit storm was stirred up again her illness was cured!  During the times she was ill she needed a caretaker, me.  Someone not to offer advice or possible solutions like “let’s go to the doctor” only to be told “no”.  She simply wanted attention, pampering, and someone around to cater to her needs. 

 I took care of the household, I took care of her emotions, and I took care of her own responsibilities like caring for other family members or getting a job at the age of 14 to make sure the bills were paid.  If I were not taking care of her needs there would be hell to pay. I would be told I was selfish and uncaring.  If I suggested she see a doctor there would be hell to pay because all she needs is for me to help with this or that and she knows how to fix what is wrong and how dare I question her expertise.  If I told anyone outside of our home what was going on there would be hell to pay. 

 My point, it is not your job to take care of this person’s needs.  So how do we deal with it? The only way to deal with a covert help-rejecting complainer is to protect yourself, stand your ground, enforce strong boundaries, and hopefully get the hell away from them as soon as possible and permanently! They do need help and it’s a help you will never be able to offer or suggest if this is a true narcissist.  This is the way it is.  If you suggest that they seek medical help and then they refuse there is nothing more you can do for them because it’s clear they do not want help. They are not looking for solutions.

 We are all adults and we all have the responsibility to take care of ourselves, including our own needs.   Back away slowly and keep your distance until/unless they decide to take the action necessary to get well again.  As always, this post will be shared.  Comments from readers as well as suggestions, advice, or a “me too” is always appreciated!


Regards,























April 19, 2017

Hoovering and the narcissistic relationship cycle of Idealize, devalue, and discard


If you think the Narcissist regrets breaking up and wants to make amends, think again!




Dear Narcissist Problems,

Hello!! I thought maybe you could help me understand what’s going on here.... My ex - who I believe is a narc - or sociopath - or something, broke up with me a bit over a year ago - over text. He had been getting messages on his phone from other girls, and I found out had cheated on me with one, who he is now in a relationship with. He's apparently moving to be with her (5 hours away).

I'll try keep this short - but when I was with him, he made me cook dinner every night - and would complain if it was late. I cleaned, did the washing for him etc. - and wasn't even living with him. He said that every time he came to my house it was like he had to work (?!) because I'd ask for help. He would grab my belly and ask if I’d been to the gym, said I could have a thigh gap, my hips wouldn't hurt so much if I lost weight off my hips (I'm a chef and stand all day). He dragged me down the street one day because I wasn't walking fast enough. etc. etc. etc.

His work overlooked my gym, and after we split, I started training for a half marathon. He would watch me and text me while I was at the gym (Still seeing this other woman). I ended up seeing the police about it. This weekend, I had to do a catering function for the surf club he is a member of (I am associated with the club). He wasn't attending the function, until the very last minute he bought a ticket. I can only assume it was to see me.

The whole night, he was watching me, but ignored me. He would hover by the kitchen. Saw me coming and tried to step in front of me. One time he walked past he stopped in his tracks, so I said hello. I've lost 17kg since leaving him. I dressed nicely as I'm promoting my business. He was asking my friend how I was etc. And then started texting my friend to tell her to tell me to reply to the texts he started to send me, because he wanted to chat. He's supposed to be madly in love with this new woman (The mistress - who doesn't know about me) but they spent the night apart, and he was chasing me again? He blocked the door so I couldn't leave - but wouldn't actually talk to me. Hiding behind his texts....WTF?!

He left me at a time I was under a lot of stress taking former business partners to the lawyers. I fought it by myself. He didn't support me and I was at rock bottom. I've started my own business and have built it up to the point I'm self-sufficient. Do you think he's realized he's lucked out?

Sincerely,

“I’m a Boss”





Dear “Boss”,

 What childish games narcissists play to get attention? This seems to be a pretty cut and dry example of a narcissist hoovering. Do I think he realized that he lucked out or regrets his decisions? Nope, not at all. What I do think he realizes is that you now have more to lose and getting you back will be a nice challenge for him which will give him all the more pleasure if he does get you back and then break you down again.

This is a pattern of narcissistic abuse which is to idealize, devalue, and then discard. It seems that he is simply utilizing what he probably considers cute little hoovering tactics to reel you back into the abuse. It’s like a cat playing with a mouse. Normal people understand that when a relationship ends that means it’s over for good. However, this is not how it works for a narcissist. Narcissists like to draw things out.

Hoovering and the narcissistic relationship cycle of

 Idealize, devalue, and discard

Idealize Phase

When we first meet a narcissist they really do a great job of making us feel as though they are the answer to all our prayers. They are the perfect match for us. We are like two peas in a pod with them and they make us feel like we are on cloud nine. This isn’t fate, a random coincidence that they are so much like us, or an accident. This is very calculated and deliberate on their parts.

If you notice or recall meeting this person they were initially absorbed with you. They wanted to know it all. They wanted to know every little detail about everything that has happened to you since birth. They want to know who your parents are and what your relationship is like with them. They want to know about your siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. They want to know who your favorite people are and who you dislike and why.

They want to know about your circle of friends and your relationships with them. They even want to meet and impress them! I mean, how great is that! Someone who is not only perfect for you but they also have an interest in your friends and family. What’s even better??? EVERYONE LOVES THEM!!! If there is someone who doesn’t love them then that person is usually the first one the narcissist targets to manipulate out of your life.

They also want to know about your job and your co-workers. They are especially interested in if you have any problems with anyone. At first they take on a stance of mutual dislike but later they will gather all the people that you don’t get along with so they can all abuse you. After they gather up your “enemies” they then target your friends and family to see who they can get on their side because in their mind it is now them against you. They also use people as their flying monkeys to help them hoover such as your friend he was sending text messages to as a go-between.

Devalue Phase

The honeymoon quickly wears off and you start to notice that the narcissist is now doing little things to take digs at you. They once loved to hear your laugh and now that same laugh is a witch’s cackle. They used to love your body but now you really could lose a few pounds. Here is the thing.

While they were idealizing you when they complimented any part of your body you most likely replied with what you hate about it such as your thighs, your underarms, or abs. I’m going to assume that you had made a comment about hating your inner thighs at some point and that is why the focal point of your “need” to lose weight was that you “Could” have a thigh gap if only you tried to take care of yourself…

The devalue phase is especially wounding because the things the narcissist chooses to devalue are the things you just got used to hearing that they loved. Before you could do no wrong and now you can do no right. Further, the narcissist is also testing your tolerance of their abuse at this stage. They want to know how far they can take things before you snap and fight back. Once you do react to the abuse then that becomes the marker they need to whittle away at. So they keep pushing that marker further and further back until it doesn’t exist anymore and you are willing to tolerate pretty much anything they can throw at you.

This doesn’t happen overnight so when you recognize it then get out of the relationship ASAP. It can sometimes take years for a narcissist to destroy that marker. That marker of tolerance is where your boundaries are. That marker is where you put your foot down, where you say “no more”, the place they can’t get into. That marker is where the narcissist ends and you begin and they know it. They want to destroy that marker of tolerance because they want to own every last piece of your mind and soul so they can destroy you from the inside out. You can’t destroy a person with good healthy boundaries that they refuse to budge on unless you slowly whittle them away.

During this phase they are recruiting others to help them achieve their ultimate goal of your destruction. The more you care for someone the more hell bent they become on getting that person on their side. They want to stick the knife in and twist. In your situation, I would be very weary of what you tell the “friend” he was sending text messages to while at your event. Our friends usually don’t make it a habit of staying in contact with our Ex’s who dump us over text message.

Discard Phase

After the narcissist has destroyed you by eroding your self-esteem, confidence, and boundaries they simply throw you away like garbage.  Nobody lucks out with a narcissist but in this case I think you lucked out to be discarded in such a cowardly way. This narcissist truly is a coward and it’s no surprise he would only communicate through text message at the event because it seems that’s the only way he knows how to communicate at all.

During the discard phase they want you to know they have found your replacement. They have new supply and want to throw in your face. They found their ultimate soulmate, they were wrong about you, and they want you to know about it. They want you to beg them to come back and they want to see you being a hot mess. They want to be able to show the new supply how crazy obsessed you are with them because they are such a great catch!

Just keep in mind that this new girlfriend is no different than you were and has no idea what kind of train wreck she is about to witness. I’m not saying you have to go around feeling sorry for people but before feeling any pangs of jealousy remember that there is nothing to be jealous about being abused.

By ignoring his attempt to hoover and reel you back in he is likely to become angry and bad mouth you to everyone. This is his attempt to make himself feel better about your pure and utter rejection of his futile attempts at dominance over you. You should be patting yourself on the back really for doing such an epic job of blocking his asinine attempts to further abuse you! Way to go!

When the Narcissist hoovers and why


A narcissist will hoover in order to maintain a connection with their victims. They will never truly leave you alone. They will try to keep an attachment to their victims under any circumstance even if that attachment is pure hate and rage.

This is a video from a very sweet set of down to earth ladies where they explain the situations that happen when we leave a narcissist, their stalking, and gaining control over your life after narcissistic abuse. Tracy has a new Youtube Channel so check out her videos and subscribe to her channel because she has new videos all the time. Tracy and Lieselle, from my understanding, actually met while they were dating the same narcissist. The relationship they developed after that is pretty amazing and they made this video below to share their story with others.

Tracy Malone & Lieselle "Narcissists Stalk And Police Do Not Care-HELP"




Think about all the time spent wishing that your narcissist would contact you after they discard you. You want little morsel of hope they could throw at you. They usually give you just enough time to where if they let you go any further then their attempts to hoover you back into a connection will be rejected.
 They will send an email, send a text message, or show up at events just to let you know they are there and they are still thinking about you. Don’t confuse their thinking about you with them caring about you. This is just a game to them. They want to see how much crap they could throw at someone and still be taken back.
 If you ask them to stop contacting you and they don't then please go no contact and document their behavior (here is an article about going no contact). If you need to get a protection order you could file for one at your local courthouse but make sure that you have enough tangible evidence and/or witnesses to support your case. If you have legal questions you can ask a lawyer for free here.

This can be very confusing especially if you are not aware of what is going on. A person with a normal mind thinks that maybe the narcissist has seen the light. Perhaps the narcissist realizes that they made a mistake and are trying to make amends but they simply don’t know how. We start to have compassion for their situation and take pity on them.

Make no mistake about it this is as calculated as their idealization of you in the beginning of the relationship. They have not seen any light except maybe the light radiating from your smile because you are healing and they need to suck that light right out of you again to fill themselves up. Your shining light of life is like spotting a gas station on a long stretch of road when your car is about to run out of gas and nothing more. They need a fill up and you got what they need.

Narcissists are emotional vampires who like to suck their victim’s dry of any soul or life they have within them. Essentially, they drain you but keep you alive just enough to recover so they can later come back for more. They need to drain you in a way that feeds their soul and gives them life force. It sounds really ridiculous as if we were talking about some sci-fi movie but this is no joke. Narcissists are energy vampires in the purest form.

Narcissists hoover their victims to keep them in line. They like to keep their victims at an arm’s length just in case they should need supply from you again. After seeing you with your life together and thriving it is prime time to get a little of what you have to offer. It really has nothing to do with regret or lucking out for them. Another reason for the hoover is that his new relationship might not be going that well and he knows it.  

Whatever the case maybe for the hoovering there is only one reason for doing it and that is to gain control over you again. Narcissists don’t see their victims as people they see them as objects that they can manipulate, abuse, put on a shelf, and then bring out to play whenever they feel like it. Here is the thing, you are a real person and not an object and you don’t deserve any of this. If I were you I would immediately change my phone number, let my friends know I don’t want to hear about him again, and then block him from all social media and email accounts. Good Luck to you!

Regards,




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