November 27, 2016

Call to Action!! Support The War at Home Foundation!

As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, I know that we went back too many times to mention, back into a situation of abuse and the cycle that we knew would inevitably put us back into a homeless situation. We knew that it was just a matter of time until we were once again abused and rendered homeless. That is why we developed the War at Home Foundation, we wanted to give people a stepping stone to freedom. As victims, we leave, we know the cycle and we have become aware of what is happening, but then what? As survivors we are left with PTSD, many times we are unemployed, being bombarded by the abuser still and we cannot see clearly. Our foundation aims to provide that clarity, it aims to bridge the gap between being a victim, becoming a survivor and evolving into a thriver. We can only do this with the help of people who can afford to donate to our cause. There are people throughout the world who are being forced into homelessness, and back into abuse, these are the people we need to help. Our initiatives are as follows:
To support those in domestic violence shelters, we have gained a commitment from a retailer to donate food and clothing to shelters that we have affiliated ourselves with. Our eventual aim is to build safe havens/retreats throughout the world offering shelter to victims and support groups to survivors.
To embark on an intensive awareness campaign through schools from January 2017, we have a commitment to do monthly campaigns from 12 schools, so far next year.
We have developed a "KEEPING YOU SAFE KIT" which is a pack of vital items that someone will need when leaving an abusive situation, it also includes vital pointers on a safe plan for leaving.
We are committed to raising awareness surrounding the court system and the pitfalls that a survivor will face and we are recruiting domestic violence advocates throughout the world who can lend a hand of support to those who are facing court issues and need a supportive hand.
The only way we can fight the scourge of narcissistic abuse is through supporting those who are being forced back and through a consistent campaign of awareness and "red flag" identification.
Please help us give those a voice who are voiceless.
If you donate a minimum of ZAR 150, which is around US$10, you will be moving us forward to reach our objectives around and save lives.
The website has been redesigned to make the donations easier as there was a problem last time we called for donations, nobody could donate, it's very self-explanatory, all you need to do is click on, them click on donate and the rest is easy...... the winner of the 500 US$ will be announced here and on the website on the 1 December 2016. It doesn't matter where you are in the world, we will ensure that you receive the prize.
Please help us to make a difference in the world. Please make a difference in someone's life, IT'S TIME xxx

November 26, 2016

How the Family Narcissist Ruins Holiday Gatherings

3 Ways Narcissists Ruin Special Events 

What You Can Do to Avoid Being in Hell for the Holidays

1. Narcissists will provoke you

The thing about narcissists is that if they do it once they will do it again. You’ve probably been conditioned as the family event organizer since birth and every year the same scenario plays out. You are asked to prepare the holiday dinner and event and you do. There is also the added guilt that takes place when you protest doing all the work alone.

Typically the narcissist will have a giant to-do list and needs “help”. The request for help is more of a demand and you find yourself checking off the items on this list alone. After all, the narcissist is so overwhelmed with all of the other things they need to do.

Spot narcissistic provocation and learn ways to prevent them.

 If you protest the narcissist, they will find some way to make you feel guilty and they will let everyone know about how you ruined the holidays if you quit the role of Santa’s little helper. Draw upon your past experience and create firm boundaries.

You are an adult and you too have responsibilities to take care of. Refuse to do any work on this event if you are doing it alone. Trying to explain your feelings about the situation to the narcissist is pointless.

Create a plan of action and tell the narcissist what they are expected to do and if they don’t do it then it will not get done. Be clear, firm, and stand your ground. Don’t let the narcissist manipulate you into doing their work by sending you on a guilt trip.

Narcissists humiliate you in front of others

Narcissists will pick apart your flaws and then point them out to others. If you have stress induced acne the narcissist will wait until the room is full and then proceed to point out each blemish to the guests.
They simply thought that everyone grew out of acne once they matured out of puberty and here you are in middle age with pimples. You really need to get it together because something is wrong with you!

How to deal with nitpicking and humiliation:

If you are forced to interact with this person then the worst thing you could do is react. When a narcissist is picking apart your flaws what they are really trying to do is elicit a reaction.

 They don’t care if it is good or bad. If you are not giving them positive attention they will be happy to see you cry and get angry. Do not allow them this control over you.

Be as solid as a rock and without any emotional reaction simply state that their behavior is inappropriate and then walk away. Disengage and refuse to be provoked by them. Chances are if they are making you feel uncomfortable they are also making others feel uncomfortable. Be a rock and walk away.

3. Narcissists gossip about you

Something about gossip and badmouthing really keeps most narcissists going. Just like cars need gas narcissists need gossip. They are constantly criticizing others and sharing intimate details or something made up in order to make you look bad. Narcissists use gossip as a means to triangulate people and put wedges in relationships. They want to be the focal point of every relationship.

Narcissists don’t want people talking to each other because they need people to go through them as a means of communication. Narcissists use gossip as a tool to get what they want out of everyone around them and they do this by creating miscommunication among others.

What to do about gossip:

Understand that you can’t control gossip but you can control how you react to it and who you allow in your life. Narcissists recruit others to gain information about you so take stock of the relationships you have with anyone that has to do with your narcissist.

If you see someone in your life that you confide in with the narcissist and they are alone and whispering. Chances are the narcissist is getting or giving the dirt on their target. If there isn’t any dirt to get then they will just make it up.

Sever ties with narcissists and their flying monkeys. There is no winning this game and chances are that gossip will later be used to destroy your life. If you are struggling with going No Contact with an abusive family member you can find very useful information at the Sanctuary for the abused blog.

There are a few sources that share great information and resources for those suffering from the narcissistic family member. The Narcissist’s Child is a blog geared toward daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and has a list of other resources such as relevant websites, blogs, and books.

Helpful Awareness pages or blogs include:

The Naked Narcissist  and The War At Home which has recently started a nonprofit foundation to highlight Narcissistic Abuse and become a source of help to victims of narcissistic abusers.

Be on the look out for more Narcissist Problems Advice and Solutions

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November 20, 2016

Dear Narcissist Problems, "The Black Sheep"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

     The steps I have read to move on from how my mother raised me have been helpful until I get to the point where I have to sit down and allow myself to feel all the hurt she caused. Even though I can admit it verbally, I am having trouble letting these feelings flow. How can I get past this?


“The Black Sheep”

Dear “Black Sheep”,

           I feel your pain. When you figure out how to let the feelings flow from your experience of being raised by a narcissistic mother please let me know! I have not seen or spoken with my own narcissistic mother in 4 years. I was literally just thinking about how she always ruined holiday’s right before I opened this. One of the last holidays I had spent with her was just too much. It’s like we try our best to be good enough and it will just never happen. Growing up we had always spent Thanksgiving at my Grandmothers. I was very close to my Grandma.  We had a relationship that I question now but I’ll leave
that whole debate for another day.

          The last Thanksgiving before going no contact with my entire family was spent alone cooking dinner for 16 people and nobody ever showed up. Nobody. Earlier that morning I was told that my Grandmother was too sick to see people and that was understandable because she was dying of cancer. I was told it was too risky with everyone carrying germs and viruses. My Mother and Sister told me they were planning on having the whole family over at my mom’s house instead.

     They made a menu and we started getting all the ingredients ready. Let me add that my mother and sister were always VERY disorganized so I already knew that if I didn’t do Thanksgiving dinner then it wouldn’t get done. On with the nightmare, about 15 minutes into this preparation mom and sister decide they are going to stop by my grandmothers because “It’s Thanksgiving”. I felt a little put off because I too wanted to see my grandmother and when I asked if I could come along I was told “we are only going for a quick visit we don’t want to overwhelm her with too many people”.

           I stayed there and cooked. I called my grandmothers after 3 hours to see if they were still there and not only did my mother answer I heard the whole family in the background. I said that I was going to pack everything up and bring it over. Narcissistic mother cut me off, “oh no, we are all on our way to the house just stay there”. Long story short, at eight o’clock p.m. I was still sitting in that house alone with a table full of Thanksgiving Dinner for 16 people. I won’t even go into what happened that Christmas and trust me I’m not trying to one up you here.

I can’t answer your question because I don’t know the answer. I really wish that I did. I’m sure you can relate but it’s almost like becoming numb to the pain. I think it’s like a real physical wound. You can cover it with gauze and treat the wound but you don’t want to over expose it. I’m just going to be honest here, I’m F&#ked up. I try to be normal and I finally accepted that I am probably beyond normalcy at this point. I can’t relate to people. I try to relate to people but I usually end up getting used.

Our concept of love or friendship is bent. If you are like me you probably struggle with people in general too. It’s like a sin to be open and honest. After growing up with a narcissistic mother all I want is to share my life with people in an open and honest way. Not to mention the paranoia and trust issues. As for feelings about my mother I usually cut them off at the pass. Somewhere early in childhood we learn that if we expect anything from our mothers then we will get hurt so we shut them off. We realize she will never be proud of us. She will never be like the other mothers and we save ourselves the embarrassment of being publicly rejected by our mothers.

I can remember going through a period of doing all of these things just so she would show up. I joined clubs, sports, and I worked from the age of 14. In that time I hoped that she would come see a game or just be there. It was like a slow death realizing I was the only one there without ANY family. It was so humiliating in a way that I can’t even put my finger on. The ultimate form of rejection. This childhood bothers me less and less over the years. For the most part, when I think of her I try to refocus my attention on something else.

I know that these little things might seem to someone who came from a normal family as possibly not a big deal but you too grew up with a narcissistic mother so I don’t need to explain all the details of dealing with a mom like ours. I really do not have an answer but I do know that it is impossible to get through ANY feelings while remaining in contact. I know I’m going to hear about this from a grandmother “but I’m sure your mother was working real hard so she couldn’t come support you” or “I’m sure you took the last Thanksgiving too hard”. No, my mother never worked.

She didn’t come see me because she couldn’t smoke at school events. As for the last Thanksgiving, I’m positive the entire debacle was planned and I was excluded on purpose. I only wish these were the worst things that happened growing up. There is a level of intrusion and rejection that I think will always haunt us. Sometimes things are so traumatic that I think it’s impossible for the human mind to process. The only thing I do suggest is building your own life and when you find people who truly love and respect you then hold on to those people for dear life because there won’t be many. For me I just broke down and rebuilt my life without her. The pain she caused became too much to justify.

           Further, if you have your own children it really helps to put things into perspective. We want the best for our children. When we consider the things our mothers could do to our children that are harmful then we finally can grasp that those things were never ok for us either. We want to protect our children from harm but we expose ourselves to harm by going back for more every single time. Wow, I know this is long and I’m sorry but I only have two words, “Narcissistic Mothers”. If you want to process what you have been through and what you’ve witnessed just start to write about it! Good luck to you and please if you find an answer you know how to get a hold of me!


Narcissist Problems

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November 10, 2016

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Emotionally Blackmailed 2" The update

Dear Narcissist Problems,

An update from “Emotional Blackmail” originally posted last month.

            A shocking twist. His first attempt at faking his own death was uncovered but that was not enough for him. He admitted he knew he needed psychiatric help and asked for me to be supportive. He blamed his PTSD for all his problems. He claimed to have checked in to a mental hospital and even called me from the hospital a few times to prove to me he was there. A part of me that wanted to think it was true and he was getting help.

A week later he called and said he had been released and asked me to run away and get married in Florida. I simply replied “You already know my answer”. Anyone who loved me would never ask for me to leave my family. Little did I know, by declining his proposal to run away, I had signed up for my worst nightmare.  

No sooner than the next morning I started getting emails and messages from his friends and family for the second time telling me he had committed suicide by overdose and I was going to be held responsible. Email after email accusing me of ruining his life and being the cause of his suffering. I was even sent a copy of the death certificate and his family demanded I sign over to them power of attorney.
There was a moment in time when I started to think this may be real, but my gut told me otherwise. I decided to go to the Coroner’s office to verify the certificate, and of course, it was FAKE! They advised me to report to the police department, but I was disappointed to find they could not help me due to the fact the document did not have my information and I was not in immediate danger.
 In the meantime, the emails persisted, still demanding power of attorney for an estate, children left in my care, and a body that needed to be released from the morgue. I had not been replying to the email or messages because I was so sick and tired of the games, I knew he was playing with my head all along.

As the emails continued I could tell he was getting frustrated and angry that I was not engaging. He started using his nieces name to send me threats like, “I’m going to strangle you”, “I will make you pay for this”, and “I will ruin your family”. With emails like those I was finally able to provide the police evidence of the abuse. I was granted a protection order and a detective would be assigned to my case.

 My sister once again took it upon herself to dig a little deeper, she found my ex-boyfriend’s niece on Facebook and asked if she knew my ex. She described him and asked if she was aware her uncle was using her name to threaten people. The poor girl was horrified to find that her own family would do such a thing, she even questioned if this could be the same person because the night before they had gone out to dinner and trick-or-treat and even his WIFE was there with them and that they had never been divorced!

 My sister called me with the news, my jaw and stomach dropped to the floor. I could not believe that I had been with a married man for two and half years. How could anyone get away with so much for this long? How could this happen to me? He did send one last message, he did not admit to the emails but that he had lost everything because of me, his family, his life, his job. He said he would leave me alone and give me peace “you can be happy it will be like I never existed everything is gone”. He wondered why I had not gotten him arrested. I never did reply to him.

 I can only assume this was one last attempt at controlling me, my emotions and hurting me. I feel used, empty, I even feel stupid for falling for this crazy person and all his lies, and I had been living a lie all this time. I was “the other women”.

 I had gone through abuse in the past but nothing like this, bruises and scars heal, but emotional abuse is the hardest to overcome. I am currently struggling with anxiety, stress, constantly feeling edgy, sensitive and afraid. I feel like I’m withdrawing from everything I once loved and everything that made me happy. I look forward to the day this will no longer be a painful memory but a story to tell about a lesson learned and how I became stronger, braver. I will continue to follow through with the protection order and police report. He will need to confront reality and all those he has hurt with his lies.


“Emotionally Blackmailed”

Dear “Emotionally Blackmailed”,

            Wow.  Just WOW! I think this goes beyond dealing with a regular Narcissist Problem. The first time you wrote in I thought you were dealing with an extreme narcissist but this second elaboration of the situation just confirms that this guy is a narcopath!!!  I’ve seen my fair share of Narcissist Problems but this guy takes the cake!  Also, good for you for digging into the lies by going to the coroner’s office for confirmation.  It’s insane that one would even need to do that yet here we are.  I can only imagine the coroner’s reaction and I hope they didn’t treat you like you were insane for too long.  

As for the police doing anything about the fake death certificate you found out the hard way that going to police with these things is a lost cause.  Trust me, I haven’t had to go to the police with a fake death certificate but for other fraud related incidents.  I learned that they will turn you away and worst case scenario they will make you feel like a paranoid schizophrenic even if you show them evidence. 

When I had my situation and the police were of no help I contacted a criminal defense attorney because I figured if anyone had answers they would.  One attorney instructed me to go to the prosecuting attorney’s office with all the documents and see if they will bring a case against the person for forgery (not fraud).  I learned that there is a difference between the terms fraud and forgery and you were the victim of a forgery.

 For better understanding, fraud is when someone deceives you for monetary gains and forgery is a technique used to commit fraud by creating a document in order to deceive.  Since they were demanding power of attorney for property, children, and the forgers “body release” I would say you have a pretty good case and should consider pursuing this further.  I know it would be easier to just walk away but the reality of the situation is that the crazy is not going to end unless you disappear. 

I’m really glad you got an order of protection against this guy.  Keep documenting the crazy because you are going to need everything later. They are really good at recruiting flying monkeys to harass their victims but it seems like this guy is a pro at creating flying monkeys.  Honestly, his lack of manipulating people into doing his dirty work but instead creating flying monkeys and harassing you himself scares the hell out of me. I mean its normal for them to create fake profiles to stalk but this guy doesn’t even seem to have anyone in his life that is aware of you yet you have been harassed by his “whole family”.  First the mom, now the niece, and who else is really just fake?  That’s a whole separate level of hate and I’m starting to wonder if he is actually a psychopath.

Thank you for sharing your story.  I’m really glad that you are reaching out for help and finding support.  I think that your reactions are normal in this situation.  These relationships will take a toll on us permanently but you need to know that you were not and are not stupid. The only thing I can suggest is completely cut yourself off.  You might even need to move to another state, change your number, change your emails again because this guy will never stop.  It’s scary, confusing, and it’s not fair to be forced into such drastic measures but we are talking about your peace. 
Evil people don't announce themselves.
  They show up as everything you've ever wanted
 and then turn into your worst nightmare

Staying where you are, if he knows where you are, will only force you to withdraw more.  What you have been through is going to take a very long time to recover from.  In fact, it’s probably going to change you forever.  Who you were, who you are, and who you are going to be will meet in this moment and how you go on from here is going to define your future.  You can let this break you permanently but from the sounds of it you are going to be stronger, wiser, and possibly an advocate for others.  There is a quote flying around the internet that is dead on and it goes something like this “There are going to be moments in your life where a clear line is drawn between before this moment and after this moment.” I don’t know who wrote it but it is so true.  You got this so just keep going!


Narcissist Problems

November 6, 2016

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Choke"

Dear Narcissist Problems,

Please leave my name anonymous.  I filed for divorce in October from my Narc husband. After 18 months of verbal, physical, psychological, emotional abuse and manipulation (which my own 8yo son witnessed and experienced personally) I left the home we shared.  In June after a particular argument in which I threw a bottle that hit the wall behind him and he pinned me by the throat to the wall while I was holding our 9 month old child. I left that day. He has been constant Jekyll and Hyde and I’m just starting to come to terms with the senselessness and hurt and beginning to function alongside that pain. I don’t want to divorce. Though I know it’s the logical choice and healthiest for myself and the kids.

On Sunday he was throwing a fit and said 'Hate does not even describe what I have for you maybe its best I don't come back so I don't f***ing kill you though I believe they are juvenile words thrown to incite a reaction, I also am unsure sometimes during his rage episodes. Since he said the kill comments he has been very cordial. I was advised to file a restraining order and now that I have I feel immense anxiety and regret. When he does get served, it’s going to really make him mad and it’s honestly a pointless thing to have done on my part. We live 4hrs and two states apart and he never comes in so asking for a restraining order for someone that’s not around feels petty and will cause both of us unnecessary court dates and add more problems to this pending divorce.

He recently began to send me $ again -since I haven’t worked since June '15. And the car he lets me use is his- he just renewed tags that have been expired for the past 3mos. He is "giving" me the car to use and "allowance". I can’t work a true job because I homeschool my 8yo (instead of public schools in our neighborhood) and my other is 1 year old.  I feel like he’s in control of everything but I have to feed my kids. I don’t know how to handle things anymore. He turned off my phone in sept because I messaged his gf he’s had since before I even moved out. The cheating, lies, abuse, gas lighting, and manipulation... the whole "relationship" from the beginning for him was this extravagant game.

I just don’t know how to handle this in a way that will help my mental health and the future of mine and my children’s lives. I want my children to have their father but I’m terrified what kind of ways he will shape them and just everything. He has left me terrified of people, of trusting, and hope in anyone. He has broken my soul and I’m not able to even trust myself, so how can I possibly even know how to choose what to do?



Dear “Choked”,

            I’m really sorry to hear about your whole nightmare.  Other than forgiving ourselves, trusting ourselves again after being in an abusive relationship is one of the hardest things a human will ever have to do.  You will probably feel guilty for a long time for things your children witnessed too.  However, you should be very proud of yourself that you left as quickly as you did because by doing so you have prevented any further traumas that would have occurred had you stayed.  Everything that you have described here in regards to your reactions to the situation is spot on normal. 

            I don’t think anyone ever wants a divorce and especially not during such a vulnerable time raising children.  The scariest thing in leaving is the instability that being on your own with two children brings.  Many people stay in abusive relationships for this reason alone.  I’m not going to lie to you and say that it’s going to be easy because it probably won’t be.  I would recommend finding any sources of support that you can either in your own family or circle of friends.

 The reality of the situation is that you are going to need a source of income.  I would start by seeking out any assistance you can by contacting your local domestic violence shelters.  These centers will work with you to get you back on your feet and offer a source of emotional support in the form of therapy.  The will also point you in the right direction to seek any financial assistance and health insurance.  Eventually you will be able to make a schedule for work and your family obligations. The important thing for you to do is to take one day at a time and know that you will make it through this you will thank yourself for leaving.

            As far as his current behavior and your thoughts on the restraining order go it would be best to proceed with the order.  I know your feeling conflicted about the whole situation but the reality is that he is an abuser and he will never stop abusing YOU.  He is giving you an “allowance” to maintain control over your finances so he can later manipulate you.  He is letting you use the car so that you will feel guilty later for sticking to the separation when he has “done nothing but try to take care of you”.  He will not change and you did the right thing. 

When he realizes that giving you an “allowance” and a car is not allowing him to slither back into your life he will use those things to further hurt you.  I would make sure that if the car is in his name and he is “allowing” you to use it that you get this in writing should he decide to punish you by reporting it as stolen.  This will come up in court when you get your restraining order in regards to the mutual ownership of any property.  Look for ways to make money so you do not become reliant upon his generous “allowance”.  Set up your life so that when he decides to stop the “allowance” then you will not be left without food, milk, electricity, or a home. 

It’s going to be a struggle and you and the children will be hurting for a while but keep in mind kids are incredibly resilient.  They will get past this and heal.  You need to decide that their healing and yours is more important than financial stability or further exposure to abuse.  Keep in mind that when you were being choked that was just a warning and this person is capable of killing you or one of your children just to hurt you.  Join support groups, seek out all the assistance you need, and make sure you get that restraining order because you’re going to need it.  Good Luck on your healing journey!


Narcissist Problems