August 2, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems "Flew the Coup"


Dear Narcissist Problems,

I need some advice.  I am in the middle of a divorce with my abuser and he has essentially "romanced" everyone I know into thinking that I am the wrong doer. He is so suave in that way that he has convinced my attorney that I have done wrong. I'm not sure what do or if there is some way that I could point my attorney to the "idea" of my abusers narcissistic ways without coming across as slandering him.  He has convinced everyone including my attorney, (somehow) that I had an affair and that I left for no reason. Everyone thinks our life was "perfect" and because I'm on disability for several mood disorders, he has my attorney convinced that I am out of my mind. He continues to track my cell phone (though my carrier is not sure how he keeps doing it).  He used me as a tool to abuse my son who is now almost 20. And though my son hated him over the last 12 years he has now turned his back on me and sides with my husband who is not his biological father.  I always tried to defend my son and stick up for him. But my husband would wear me down with constant arguments telling me how bad of a mother I was and if I didn't listen my son would turn out to be a "hood rat" as he called it.  He used to be a deputy in a neighboring county and I found out recently that he was fired because he lied on his application.  I tried to hide in another state and had all of my records redacted so that he would not know my location. But he told my attorney exactly where I live. That's how I found out he has been tracking my phone.  I guess my attorney now assumes that I'm loopy and told him where I was going. We were together for 12 years and I was placed on disability 10 years ago. Update: I've reached out to my attorney and had a little heart to heart with him. I guess I just jumped the gun on his responses to me. He was very understanding and said that his suggestion to settle for less was an effort to keep me from having to endure anymore emotional trauma. He had seen how drastic my demeanor/behavior changed when being faced with my ex-husband (soon to be ex-husband). He knew I had been through some bad things with my ex.

Sincerely,

“Flew the Coup”

Dear “Flew the Coup”,

     I’m glad to hear everything turned out well with your attorney but have you considered possibly getting a consult with a few other attorneys to see what they say?  It is a conflict of interest if your soon to be Ex is having conversations about you with your attorney.  I’m glad to hear that things are coming to a close for you. As for your son, there is not much you can do about the situation because he is an adult so all you can do is respect his decision.  I wouldn’t even bring it up in conversation because that will make you look like the bad guy.  Try your best to leave him out of it.  Narcissists are masters of manipulation and I wouldn’t doubt if he was buying your sons support or simply making up lies and passing them off as truth.  I found that when you are in the midst of a smear campaign there is little you can do to protect yourself from the gossip because people rarely ask for your version.  Keep documenting the crazy and file police reports if need be.  I would contact your local court house and see a victims advocate about the E-stalking.  In my own experience, the police won’t do much unless you have been harmed even if you have a P.O. against the nut case.  The good news is that laws are beginning to change and this type of harassment is starting to become more recognized.  You just might get lucky and find someone who is willing to step up to the plate and help you protect yourself against electronic stalking.  The first steps I would take is throwing that cell phone in the garbage and getting a prepaid with no paper trail back to you.  Get a P.O. Box and just wait it out.  I would love to help more with the electronic stalking but I’m finding myself in the same situation where nobody will help unless they show up on my doorstep.  It’s amazing to me because we get stalking orders so that our stalkers stop following us and tormenting us but we find little protection when they find our locations electronically and just have to wait in fear until they show up.  If any of the readers does have a stalking order and police took electronic violations seriously please message the page and let us know what happened!  Good Luck to you!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Dear Narcissist Problems "Can't get rid of him"


Dear Narcissist Problems,

I need some help... I've followed your page for a while. I recently left a narcissistic person... not gonna say man because he's not. He's also an alcoholic sits there all day drinking beer. He also drives drunk. I should have left sooner but what made me angry and explode was him having his ex slut sending him nudes....I Confronted him... He claims he never replied back but yet messages are still there. I told him we are over as he didn't care about how hurt I was after seeing that... every time I'd talk he'd walk away like a child. Now he's psychologically messing with me. Mentally and emotionally... only issue is here the laws are he's on my lease. And have a child together... he's using that as an excuse to stay... and “work it out" I don't want to... I'm hurt and tired of fighting. And as per keeping the child from him I have every right to since he drinks...but how did you get rid of a narcissistic person for good?

Sincerely,

“Can’t get rid of him”

 

Dear “Can’t get rid of him”,

     How did I get rid of my narcissistic person for good?  It took a battle in court, an extreme amount of documenting the crazy so people would believe me, a restraining order for stalking, moving to another state in the middle of the night so I wouldn’t be followed, driving in circles in the wrong direction in case I was followed, finally ending up at my destination, changing my cell phone number, not using my address on ANYTHING, using a “safe address” for anything court related (trusted friend with no contact with narc/P.O. Box), losing my entire family (except one member thank god), changing my children’s names legally, and living in fear and anxiety for almost two years.  I know the pain you are going through and I am sorry but your question “how did you get rid of a narcissistic person for good?” has one answer there is no easy way to leave a narcissist.  Leaving a narc for good is not something that happens overnight.  It is not an easy task and is going to require an unlimited amount of courage and strength.  Be prepared to lose a lot of people you care about in this process; friends, family, and anyone else the narc knows mutually.  Your first step is going to speak with a family law attorney.  Most attorneys will give you a free consult so you will know where you stand and what steps you need to take.  As for keeping your child from him, you don’t have the right to unless it is court ordered.  If you begin to keep the child from him you will be considered the parental alienator, regardless of his drinking and behavior.  You want to have his bad behavior well documented with police.  The first step is getting him out of your home.  Go speak with your landlord about this situation and a lawyer.  I’m pretty sure there is a way (if you give him legal notice) to have him removed from the lease if you agree to take it on by yourself.  We are never trapped but it takes a lot of leg work to get out of these situations.  You could also make a visit to the local police department to see if they can give any advice on what to do.  I know you say he is a drunk and a cheater but these things alone are not considered abusive.  Drinking around a child is a parenting conflict so call the police and ask them what you should do if he is drinking alone around the child.  You want to be prepared and have a plan.  When you leave a narcissist without a plan you will have hell to pay (you will have hell to pay either way but hell isn’t as hot if you have a plan).  Every step you take will be twisted around to make you look like the bad guy so cross your T’s and dot your I’s.  Don’t leave any detail unchecked or undocumented.  You have a long road ahead of you and if you want to rid yourself of a true narc you better do everything legally and by the book.  Save all his emails and text messages.  Document your conversations.  Call the police if you need to!  Good luck to you and keep us updated on your journey!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems 

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