Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Highway To Hell"


Dear Narcissist Problems,

If you post this or some part of it - please don’t mention my name. Thank you In February this year, I met a guy on line. We started to talk - he suggested texting, although I was not quite into it we soon started to text a lot 10, 20 texts a day. He told me a few years ago he has been diagnosed with bipolar - but takes medication, and waits for DBT therapy. He said it in context of me working as a support worker in psychiatric services. Before we even had a chance to meet he had cancelled meeting me twice as one time he "got the flu" another time "he had to stay longer at work". He is a very good looking guy, with an excellent dress sense. Even before we met he was frequently asking me questions such as "how are you feeling? What are you up to today?” When we meet - he mirrored my emotions and dreams entirely. Now I see it clearly but at the time - I just thought I meet a really kind and honest guy. He told me a tragic story about his mum commuting suicide and him getting in to foster care, it was odd thing for a first date - but as we already discussed mental health - I didn't think much of it. After we meet he texted me even more, starting making plans for few months ahead - like it would be certain we will be together. He mentioned his exes and described one as being "immature" and another as "being an abusive cheat". He texted me every day from noon till midnight. It was difficult to keep up. I felt that it was "too good to be true" such a handsome guy appeared to be so much into me, but then he seemed to prefer to text me or call me to see me. He has cancelled our plans several times, always giving some "plausible reason" - "work, distressed friend, illness”. It felt it wasn’t right so I told him " I really start to like you, but you keep cancelling on me I feel you are not that much into me, otherwise you would make an effort to see me". He reassured me and said "I will do my best to change it, you are lovely girl, and it is my job to make you feel happy and safe". He appeared to be stressed when I suggested to break it up before it will get too serious. In total we went four times - dating for a month. He asked to be exclusive. We spent hour’s texting. He showed me things he was into - even found me shoes he liked. He told me he had a difficult past - stealing, knife fights, self-harm, but he doesn't do anything like that anymore. Now works in addictions helping homeless people. He didn't push for sex. On our four date we had sex - but just after finishing his phone started to ring, and he run away promising he will see me after two days. Next day he started texting he can’t see me coz his friend is unwell with depression, I wasn't happy with it, he asked to see me after the weekend (as I was working weekend). We continued texting. Tuesday he said he "feels ill and two of his exes started talking to him again - and he wasn’t too happy with it" I said "if both of them are so into you - make them fight the winner can keep you". He said he doesn't want any of them. Wednesday I said I need to talk to him, he said he will get home very late - 12.30 pm and that he feels I guilt trip him about not seeing me - which makes him unhappy and that “I wouldn't have slept with you if I wouldn’t want to see you”. I was tempted to say that we didn’t "sleep together” we "had a 10 minute f*ck session, and I had to check if he didn't leave any cash behind as I felt so cheap after". But I left witticism and waited for him to call me after work. He texted me as promised. It was 12.30 am asked if I still need him to call. I replied "yes" then he didn't call, so I wrote "you must be tired as you don’t call me let’s talk. Tomorrow". He didn’t reply. Next day I woke up around 8 am thinking I am getting played, and that he doesn't even care enough to reply. I wrote " I texted you yesterday waited for your call, I must admit I have fell for you it is pathetic I know but I see you don’t have feelings for me and don t even want to end it in a civil way, wish you good luck”. Then around noon I got a reply “what are you talking about? I didn’t get any texts from you – you didn’t reply to me so I went to bed, and stop being rude and invent issues where there are none – I can call you now if you like”. We spoke 20 min mostly with him telling me how overworked he is, how everyone relies on him, and how he “spreads himself thinly between friends, family and seeing you” Then he said “you made your choice about us – I can’t stop you, although I don’t want to end”. He suggested seeing each other after the weekend, and I agreed. When we finished talking I felt uneasy - “why would he say I am rude? why would he say he didn’t get the texts?, am I not important enough to see me on the day? “So I looked at his Facebook to calm myself down – see nothing dodgy goes on – and then I see him tagged on a picture with a girl – her cover photo. She was wearing the shoes he showed me that was it for me, I felt hurt. I wrote “I looked at your Facebook, as always full of girls commenting on his selfies, you have been out with another girl, I can’t be in competition with others – and she wears the shoes you showed me, I give up”. He first replied with “she is a friend, shoes were a gift – don’t be a child” but then he called me and shouted at me “you have a vendetta against me! I am tired of proving myself to others and you! Leave me alone as I have life to live” then hung up not waiting for my response. I was shocked, didn’t know what to think, nobody ever treated me like that. Then he started writing things like “you make drama out of nothing, I have a right to have friends, as you do. You should apologize to me – you think I am an idiot – stupid enough to date multiple people and plaster Facebook with it?” Then he defriended me on the Facebook. I couldn’t understand what he is on about. It didn’t feel right. I snapped and wrote “I don’t think you are stupid, but hell messed up. What do you want me to apologize? Shame you don’t want to be mates. I will speak to you later, as I am busy”. It felt really bad. He said “Nope don’t want to be your friend, not after what you said” As it felt bad, and I thought that a guy who would care for me wouldn’t act like that, I thought to leave this situation. Next day at evening he texted “ Will you apologize for the things you said yesterday as it hurt a lot” I said “if anything can get better we need to talk in person, maybe I don’t want it to be over yet” I said it coz I wanted a proper conversation and thought he will not see me otherwise. He wrote” When I was 19 a girl died in my arms, that is why I was alone for so long I was hurting, why would I lie to anyone, why would I hurt anyone? Too old for BS games” I read this and it got me creeped out – how dare he play me with a dead body? Truth or not, doesn’t matter – using pity or whatever was that – dead girlfriend - didn’t make me feel safe. I didn’t reply. Next day, he wrote things like “right, if you want to talk you can come to see me near my house for two hours on Tuesday. Yes or no. Answer would be nice as I know you are reading this”. I didn’t reply. Then he was calling left the voicemail, same stuff but sounded a bit nicer. I didn’t reply. This is a bit long – but I wanted to give you full the picture, it finished in April and I still hurt. I went NC, and I stooped myself from looking him up online. When I am low I think about contacting him, but I know that he only would try to manipulate me or shout at me, or be mean in another way. And the thought of contacting him goes away – when I am happier. I don’t understand – how I got so involved is such a short time? or why he wanted me to fall for him? The guy is very good looking so he wouldn’t have a trouble with casual sex, and he knows it. Why he would go out of his way to text and call a girl who wouldn’t matter to him? How I can get over him sooner? Some friends understand, some say “you got played, shame but it is life”. I just need some kind of hope that I will feel better, and that I didn’t mess it up. That is the end.

Sincerely,

Highway to Hell

 

Dear “Highway to Hell”,

     There are so many things going on with this guy that I don’t even know where to begin.  Let me say this first: THANK GOD THE RELATIONSHIP ENDED QUICKLY!!!!!!  I think this guy is a step above a narcissist, he may actually be a psychopath!!!  The circular argument that he created and then blamed you for is the classic narcissistic ploy to keep you on the defense and discrediting your feelings, wants, and needs leaving you apologizing for his infidelity!  The thing that steps this whole situation up a notch is the fact that when he was losing control over you and the situation he brings up the dead girlfriend.  I’m honestly creeped out by this one too.  Two things are going through my mind A. he is a psychopath and he actually killed that girl or B. He is a pathological liar.  The pathological lying is obvious from what you have written but the dead girlfriend, I’m going to believe it.  I’m also going to believe that he killed her, watched the life drain out of her eyes with a sense of pleasure, and then made it look like an accident.  I am so happy you got away from this royal mind fuck!! You got away and you are alive! They say that hindsight is 20/20.  Unfortunately we don’t notice many red flags until the relationship is over and we are left to deal with the aftermath of utter emotional destruction.  The good news is that these encounters leave many of us determined to save others from the same fate so we spend countless hours screaming the red flags from the rooftops in the hopes that others will notice them before it is too late.  The bad news is that we did not notice them before it was too late to save ourselves and we are left to pick up the pieces and heal alone.  One thing that you will notice in your next relationship is to start out slow.  If you notice things moving too fast too soon this could be a red flag of a dysfunctional or toxic person especially if the focus is asking a lot of personal questions and the level of intimacy seems rushed.  While I can’t say that every person we meet online is a bad person but it may be a bad way to start off a relationship romantically.  One of the best self-disclosures he made to you was when he divulged his past to you “He told me he had a difficult past - stealing, knife fights, self-harm, but he doesn't do anything like that anymore.”  Was one of his “knife fights” with the girlfriend who mysteriously died in his arms?!?!?  I hope to god that was a lie to shame you with guilt and pity instead of an actual homicide! Thank god you got away.  The next time you feel like calling this psycho remind yourself that he literally could be a murderer! If not a murderer of humans but a soul murderer, either way you are better off! Did you notice anything missing after you were around him?  I noticed my own narcissist was a kleptomaniac. Moreover, after the first sexual encounter I will bet he may have had that phone call planned ahead of time and the excuse set in stone.  It was probably even his wife. The woman wearing the shoes was probably his wife too. I get the feeling that when your first two dates were canceled maybe he was even in the midst of abandoning his last victim or going through a divorce while love bombing and grooming you to fill that void that was opening.  If the relationship ended in April you still have a long healing process in front of you and I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself.  Think of it this way; you just went cold turkey from the most addictive drug known to mankind, the love/love bombing of a narcissist.  Being in a relationship with a narcissist goes from the extremes of “finding your soulmate” to climbing your way out of hell.  When in a relationship with one of these emotional rapists they sell us our dreams and literally deliver a nightmare.  When leaving any relationship, abusive or not, we always have doubts because we tend to forget the bad and focus on what was good about it.  If things didn’t end well (and usually they don’t with a narcissist and they REALLY don’t with a psychopath) we have a difficult time finding any closure because we linger on what should of, would of, and could of happened instead of what actually did happen.  We begin to blame ourselves for things that went wrong and then we question our own reactions.  We ask ourselves and everyone we know:  Was I too sensitive?  Was I over reacting?  Am I exaggerating?  Was that argument my fault? We have trouble putting the abuse into perspective because we really want to believe that nobody could be that cruel and evil and that maybe yes we are too sensitive, over reacting, or exaggerating what we lived through.  The sad part is that very few people, if any, in our lives will truly understand the type of emotional torture and resulting spiritual conflict that we are going through.  Like the saying goes “You won’t understand it until it happens to you”.  So when we turn to our loved ones or friends (if we have any left at this point) they either will not know how to react to what we tell them or they will tell us to just give it time or just suck it up and move on or Drum roll please, “You Got Played”.  Most of the time this will be the worst advice we will ever receive in our lives.  We need to connect with others who understand the nightmare we just escaped so we can freely talk out our pain without feeling judged or our situation trivialized.  We need to learn from others who have been there to see how they journeyed out of hell.  We need to be inspired by those who did make it out of hell and find the strength to encourage those who are stuck in the labyrinth created by our narcissist.   The narcissists leave us in a maze that seems to have no exit.  Sometimes it is impossible to find an exit and we give up hope of recovery/healing until magically another survivor turns on a light and shows us the way out of that hell.  Good luck to you on your healing journey.  It is going to take time.  It may take years but you can heal from this.  Find a support group with others who have dated a narcissist and get on there and vent, ask questions, learn, and someday in the future you will log into that group and you will read the post of a woman/man who is now in the same situation you are leaving.  Seeing this post you will then realize how far you have come and how much awareness you need to spread to warn the others.  And by others….. I mean the rest of mankind.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

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