July 18, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems "Falsely Accused"


 
 
Dear Narcissist Problems,

So, he gas lighted me for 5 years. Including moving things in the house. He tried to make me think I was losing my memory and ability to make sound judgements. He lied and denied things he said or did, that I saw. He convinced his coworkers that I'm a control freak, convinced his family I'm unstable, discredited me to my friends, made me look like an incapable parent, projected his feelings that I'm a bad person down my throat. So I am getting a divorce. My daughter told me her dad tickles her vagina. I told the therapist. Cps was called. He is so good that even with the other incidents of abuse and my daughter’s symptoms they dropped the case. He made it look like I was spinning information and that I'm crazy. His therapist thinks I have serious issues and need a psych evaluation in court. His lawyer thinks I'm nuts and his parents won't talk to me. The worst part... My lawyer decided not to take my case, she referred me to another lawyer, and he won't take my case. I called my original lawyer with no response from her. He's taking me to court and I have no representation and am forced to sign on papers I don't know how to read... Legal jargon. We had sex three times in 6 years, he ignored, rejected, humiliated, projected, used porn and refused his wife, lied constantly, double standards, got his needs met by our 5 yrs. old daughter. He provoked me constantly, threatened to call the cops on me, and stonewalled. No closure, no conflict resolution. Denied all his abusive behaviors or blamed me, used dating sites... Which he denies, he lived a double life while smearing me to his people... He also kept me away from those people. He had more contempt and disrespect then I knew was possible. He has another personality for the public. My daughter and I both had PTSD, but I can't get a lawyer.

Sincerely,

“Falsely Accused”

 

Dear “Falsely Accused”,

One of the most difficult situations we will ever be in with a Narcissist is when we are forced into a courtroom battle that involves our children.  Since starting this page I have heard from numerous people who have described your exact situation and this is why I want and need more people like yourself to write the page and let us know what is going on in our family court system today.  Unfortunately, these people are very good at making us appear to be crazy to the point that lawyers do not want to represent us.  The case is not easily shut and closed as we spend months and years dealing with false allegations and being court ordered into psychiatric evaluations or worse actually being forced into a mental institute based solely on the false allegation.  What we have to say about our experiences with the family court system is met with disbelief as normal people do not believe that the courts or a governmental agency is able to remove our human/civil rights with zero evidence of wrongdoing.  Guess what folks, it is happening.  Every. Single. Day.  Until we bring an awareness to this situation we are going to get lost in the system and have our lives stripped away from us by the family court system.  The way it works is that a false allegation will be made against an otherwise healthy/normal person usually to child protective services.  Child Protective Services can then remove the parent rights of the falsely accused based on little evidence of wrong doing and hearsay.  The parent is then left to defend themselves against these allegations and usually forced to sign papers before court without understanding exactly what they are signing.  A parent will assume that they are agreeing to evaluations with the idea that this will prove that they are innocent of the false allegations but what happens when that paper is signed is the exact opposite.  The signature is then used as proof that the parent falsely accused has admitted guilt of wrong doing; when they were under the impression that they were trying to prove their innocence by cooperating with the government.  Further, the standard of evidence for a family court case is lower than the standard used in the criminal court systems.  Also, there is no right to a trial by a jury of our peers.  The family court system is becoming a breeding grounds for abusers to father abuse their victims and we need to stand up against this injustice!  Nothing good comes from secrets and the family court system is a very secret affair.  The only option we have is to maintain our innocence, keep speaking the truth, research laws, and take our own cases Pro Se.  I know it is not advisable to represent yourself in a court of law but when we are given no choice this is what we must do in order to prevail.  If we sit and do nothing, not one person will care that we are not represented, and that is including the judge.  The next hearing I suggest asking the judge for a lawyer and request a continuance.  Become very familiar with your state laws, case law, and be prepared to fight for yourself.  Document the crazy and bring that documentation with you to court!  Document dates, times, what was said etc.  Document even the little things.  Do not be afraid to contact the police and report the crazy.  Just keep this thought in mind when you feel you are being too hard on crazy “They would do this to me and worse”.  Many times we have trouble calling the police when the crazies are acting crazy because we feel we are being irrational or hypersensitive and it will make us look worse in court.  The more people you can get involved with the witnessing of this abuse the better for you besides the obvious of protecting yourself and your children.  Let his lawyer think what they want, let his parents think what they want, and let the whole damn town think what they want.  The only thing that matters is that you keep speaking the truth even if your voice shakes and even if you are standing alone looking like a lunatic because nobody believes you.  If you lose your children to this monster, appeal.  Then you continue appealing until your case is heard in federal court because THAT is how laws are changed.  Do not flinch at their judgements but stand strong and know that you are not alone!  If we continue to spread awareness of this situation it will force our law makers to take a closer look!  Good Luck to you!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

 

Links to Supporters, Resources, and Vendors


 

How to flip a false allegation of abuse….


 

The late Senator Nancy Schaefer on Family Court Corruption….


 

I would like to hear from both Men and Women on this issue.  What were the false allegations, were your children removed from your care, and what was the outcome?

July 7, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems "Monster-In-Law"


 
Dear Narcissist Problems,

      I am in a situation that is not good, to say the least. I will give as little background as possible. I've been married to my husband for 20 years. I used to really like and respect his parents.  Over time, I saw little glimpses of passive aggression on his mother’s part. I normally noticed the passive aggressive behavior when we would visit his parents over a weekend. My husband always got along great with his family. From time to time he would comment about his mother’s favoritism toward certain others. When our first child was 2-3 years old I began to see a competition that she was attempting to build between me and my child and also between her first grandchild and her son. They are 6 months apart in age. When I noticed the favoritism and resulting rivalry I grew frustrated. I asked her to stop, Naive me.  I mentioned the favoritism was bound to be hurtful as the kids grew older and more aware. She then came down harder! I then told her we would stop coming to her home if she didn't stop. I then let her know that she would be more than welcome to come to our home to visit but we wouldn't tolerate any mind games. The rules in our home are kindness and encouragement. Since then I have been enemy number one with this woman. Well, it was ok as time went by due to low contact. I am usually chasing our kids around as we had two more children. We visited them. We helped them out. Never seen or heard about their other kids or grandkids doing anything to help.

By the way, 16 months ago, my husband was injured. We had relocated about 8 months prior because of my husband’s new job. I stayed at home for ten years and also homeschooled. So, my husband tells me we are going back north, we will stay with them no more than 2 months!! The crap started on day 3. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. Over 6 months, I was harassed. I was bullied. Mostly passive aggressively and a lot of it was done loudly over the phone while she was speaking to two of her daughters. They'd visit and talk about us!! My father in law and husband stood up to her which made things worse. I was the target of a smear campaign. The kids were used and abused. Hurt!! Shattered their beliefs. She doted on our 2 year old though. Her 3 daughters pulled a surprise “intervention” where I was attacked verbally. I got blamed for everything because I had finally defended myself and my children. They promised to "communicate" more and we still have not spoken- 10 months later. Our lives (No one’s business!!!) were discussed like it's their business. In the end. No one apologized to me. To us. Nothing was validated. I just had to suck it up, cuz this is just the way it is!

Well, it got a little “better" –manageable, for 8 months. She'd act differently, around others. Some passive aggressive behaviors off and on.  Suddenly, a week before mother’s day and 2 weeks before my birthday, she just yelled “I’m not doing this phony shit anymore." I decided I was not going near her again. I am officially done! One day my father in law had an appointment an hour away. He is 83 years old and needs company and some assistance. Our older girls needed one of us home for the bus. So, since I refuse to be alone in the house with her (as she's a dangerous, lying, manipulative sort. I put nothing past her!) I was going to go to the appointment with my 3 year old. Well, when my 3 year old told her (after being questioned about details) daddy wasn't going... She lost it!! Stomped over to her husband and started ranting. Calling me a bitch! I went up, got my child. Told her she was “such a loving grandma”. We didn't go. Any of us. She started the rant to upset pops. He was so mad at her. Riled up. She manipulated my children's dental appointment, so they couldn't go. She ruined our Mother's Day plans. (Too much detail to go into) I just stay away.

She realized she couldn't get to me. So, now she's using my children. Attacking my 10 year old by accusing my daughter of giving her “dirty looks" when we were outside earlier that day. Truth was... Narc had stood in the window. I saw her. I ignored her. My oldest looked up, and said, “Mom, she's looking at us so meanly. It's creepy" I told her, “don’t look". We kept blowing bubbles and then I took the girls for a walk. So, my 10 year old told her she was not giving her dirty looks. Narc started yelling, “Well your mothers a god damn liar! Go look at her Facebook!" My daughter asked her why she'd be snooping around my Facebook anyway. That irked her even more. She started yelling. I told my husband something was wrong. He went up, and I heard my girl yell “stop!", and then I heard her crying! Grandma said she was going to call the police and (lie, obviously) say I “put my hands on her". Whatever that means... I don't know. It's disturbing and more so because she threatened it to my daughter then to my husband.

Next day, we crossed paths. She put my 3 year old on the phone with her mini me narc/sociopath daughter, when I was calling her to come. This is the daughter that fuels the fire. She also stalks me on fb through false identities. She saw my cover photo was about narcissism and had been reporting to mom, they began to “assume" these quotes were about them. Go figure! So, I went over and got my girl. Took the phone away from my daughter and went to hand it to the narc. She said there and pointed at “her chair"(her thrown, situated to see everything in the house) and I can't even explain the evil I saw on her face. I just dropped the phone in the chair next to her. She exploded!! Calling me a bitch. A dumb Pollock. A fat ass! Said she'd “fix me! Write an fb post all about me and my mother. (Whom she doesn't know or anything about, it's just that the two narcs thought I was “writing about them" by posting narc quotes! Sooooo crazy and twisted. In their minds, I'm exposing them though. I've never written a word. Not a name, nothing! She did all this while I was holding the baby and the other two heard it!! My husband and father in law jumped in, defending me.

 Next day, my husband allowed my 3 year old near her. He thought his dad was up. I came out of our bathroom and hear her loud, obnoxious, cackling, and conspiring voice (I was intended to hear). I knew pops was not present. I looked around and my husband came in the door. I asked where our girl was (other 2 at last day of school) he went up. Found her alone in the narcs bathroom. Door closed. Water running. The narc has refused to child proof or safety anything. Ever! Poison under cabinets, open. You cannot trust a child!! She didn't care where she was. She was too busy trying to stick it to me on the phone with her minion. They came down, and played “memory" with her. While playing, she says “gramma said something about you". My alarm went off in my head. I smiled still and asked what it was. She said, I was at the table eating nuts and Gramma said “I don't want you to be like your mother. I don't like her.” “Get the F out, you bastard. Poopy head"! I said, oh. That wasn't very nice. I let it go. I called my husband in then I asked my child if she could please tell her dad what she just told me. She did. Just about word for word. She thought maybe it could've been the “bitch" word. After all, she's heard that a few times from her. Well, I don't want her near her!!  My situation it's close to impossible. We have a couple months stuck here. So, she started inviting the other two children up for ice cream. After 16 months of maybe doing that 3 other times. On purpose she will keep them talking when we call for them. She says passive aggressive things, regarding me. She tells my youngest “secrets" and we've asked her not to. Anything we ask (only been a couple things) her to not do... She does more.

I am leaving out so much. Yet, it's a novella. Sorry.
I just want a basic opinion of what I should do till I can get out of here.
Today, I kept the children busy, outside mostly.
The older ones don't even want to be near her. But hey, they like treats. Her new ploy to get them to think she's ok and therefore I'm “bad". They told me they don't want them anymore. Her treats. It kills me.

I'm trying to not be angry and just allow my baby to see the differences herself.
She said (as we've discussed) if gramma says anything about mommy she'll tell her to STOP. Don't talk about my mommy. And leave. It is heartbreaking. For us. For our children.

When we got here, Easter was shortly after. My youngest was 2, this was huge to her. Since Easter 2014, Narc Grandma has left candy and small gifts for her EVERYDAY from “the Easter bunny" Not the two older children which we had to make excuses for and expect them to “get it". In retrospect, I see it was to get my daughter excited to go up there every morning. She left it near her! I didn't like this from the beginning. I think it is spoiling. It excluded the others. It kind of takes the specialness away. And most of all ... The candy!!! She started leaving more and more. And it's daily! For a little girls soft teeth. In addition to all the ice cream she gives her. Cookies. Etc. Without asking!! My husband asked her to stop. She refused. Kept it coming. She is sneaky about it. Leaving small things the next day. Next day, more. Etc. If he called her on it, it's twisted into an argument! Our youngest had two cavities forming last fall!! The other two never had that. I can't blame this entirely on the candy and treats, but it sure didn't help. I had my husband explain to her that our child had to lay under a weighted blanket, for safety, and have strangers drill her teeth. Etc. It slowed a few days. After the traumatic visit, she did the same. Potato chips, coloring book, and pretzels. It always goes back to candy! I made the mistake of talking to her about “perhaps it should stop” as we can't do this forever. She lost it. It drove her to do more! Now, 6 months later, my girl has FOUR more small cavities!!!! We go again next week!! My husband put his foot down, nicely even!! She lasted 2 days then refused! Laughed at him but he stayed patient.  He went out and bought 3 bags of sugar free candy then gave it to his mother and said this was the best for her. (Never mind just stopping) Next day, she got out flavored tootsie rolls!!! My husband was upset and then she huffed and puffed. Poor her!!! Left out other things a few days. Small items. Chips or horrible orange crackers! Ugh Now she's sneaking candy in too!!! Everything is a damn game! My child “she adores", is a game? Her teeth!! I'm brushing 4 times a day!!

My oldest made honor roll her first trimester this school year, her first year in public school, and she did it while adjusting to middle school!!
She was met with attitude by gramma.
She got a lot of attention and praise from gramp. Which drives gram nuts!!! So jealous!
Next trimester, she got high honors! Same thing. We laugh about it together now.
But it is really sad.
Last trimester, same, high honors. Lowest grade 1 A- in technology.
The woman didn't acknowledge it, just a joker’s smile.
Quickly, she brings up her great grandson (6 months younger) and discounts my daughters accomplishments by announcing he will be taking 8th grade math in 6th grade.
She makes similar comparisons often. She never even sees this grandson. She just makes stuff up or uses info to compare.

When our daughters began school here, she praised it! Made “concerned" comments about being Homeschooled and maybe they wouldn't keep up!?
So, when they excelled she then said our neighbors (she talks to one once a year and the others two or three)

 “They don’t send their kids to the school”.

They “have no need for it.”

 One neighbor sends her twins to catholic school in Brattleboro. She works near there. The other sends her son to a catholic school near the college she works for. The truth, both have jobs and need after school care. Both schools provide it and both families don't care for “common core". That's it. The reasons. Can't tell her though. It's just funny how everything we do is subpar. She is sneaky and everyone is used for a purpose. Once, we were visiting. As we left, my husband told her we'd call when we arrived home. We lived up the mountain and an hour away (blissfully). He informed her we'd stop to pick up pizza and lottery tickets. So it'd be an hour. Don't worry.

So, he says “I’d love to win. I'd give some to everyone in the family.”

 (Meaning them, his sisters. Nieces)

The narc replies. “We talk about that too. We'd split most up between you 4 kids, and 2 nieces.

 Mind you. She just left out our 3 children and his oldest daughter but mentioned the other two grandchildren!!

My husband was like “huh?" “What about all your grandchildren?”

She says, “Oh they're too young. You could share yours with them!"

Husband, “It's not the point. It's not the money. It's the shitty comment that shows what we always knew.

 He says “what about my oldest"?

Grandma “oh well. Ok. Her too"!

Further, we are also the scapegoat family. We are good people and I’m tired of being doormats. We are the only ones who have ever helped them!  When we used her kitchen when we were living there she was so aggressive. Flying into the kitchen, no need. Bullying me. I'd be washing dishes (theirs also) and ours I'd go to dry. Hers, I'd stack for the dishwasher!! So, she'd come in and grab the faucet and turn to the other sink to use it, while I was in the middle of rinsing!!!

She'd make loud comments like “excuse me!!"

Not in a nice way. I was next to the oven one day. My hip in front of the oven. Which, I didn't realize. Till she came in and busied herself around me angrily. A bullying presence. She opened the oven door and it slammed into my hip. She did not even need anything! - By this time, my husband and father in law were aware of her games and tactics. They were watching.

She said. “So sorry!!” (When she hit me) “…move your littttllleeee ass out of my way” (snickering, like it's large, it is not btw).

 I moved then she walked away so I resumed. She then came back and elbowed me.

She says “you and your fat ass are always in the way.”

 So, I finally commented “at least mine doesn't sag to the ground".

It became unbearable. Just nonstop games. Intimidating. It was awful. So, I just realized she's a narcissist this past May around Mother's Day. When she pulled the bullshit, again!  Poor her, she wasn't going to be a “phony" anymore. So close to Mother's Day and my birthday. I thought, “narcissistic". So, I looked it up. Took a “test". 19 out of 20 was her!! I started looking for groups. Talking to others. The similarities, startling.
What do you think??

Sincerely,

“Monster in Law”

******************************TRIGGER WARNING******************************

I know I’m going to hear from a few thousand women who happen to be grandmothers and possibly dealing with a narcissistic daughter in law, this advice had nothing to do with your specific situation...  If you are the grandmother I have just described consider not reading any further.  The advice I am about to give is geared toward a woman who is dealing with a mother in law from hell and no two situations are alike so please do not message me later to let me know that this poor daughter in law should be grateful the in-laws took them in.  I’m willing to bet they paid more than their fair share of bills while rooming with grandma.  Before following through with the urge to tell me I am wrong.  Remind yourself that you were warned not to read below this line.  In my line of work I’ve dealt with more than my fair share of narcissistic grandmothers so just save the insults and bashing because they will not be welcome here.  Offer advice yes but don’t come here looking for a fight to pick because you will quickly be *deleted*   Thank you!

***********************YOU HAVE OFFICIALLY BEEN WARNED***********************

Dear “Monster in Law”,

What do I think???? I think you have been living with my mother!  The first thing I would like to say is that with a normal family if you need help, they help you.  Normal people do not offer “help” as a means to abuse you more.  I know there is a grandma out there shaking her head because you and your family needed “help” in the first place.  If you are that grandma, keep in mind generations of families used to live together without being emotionally, psychologically, verbally, or bordering on physical assault.  Sweet baby Jesus, I think your post was a trigger for me as I find myself defending myself before I have even uttered a word of advice!  Now we all know, Narcissist Problems has a narcissist as a mother!  So let me share my years of experience! (33 years to be exact).  I know I told you I was working on this last week but I had to prepare myself mentally for this challenge (Trigger).  So the moral of the story is that in your gut you always new Narc In-law was a little off but you couldn’t put your finger on it until you were in your weakest moment.  The others don’t visit grandma because she does the same things to them.  The two on the phone all the time who held the “intervention” stick around because I’m guessing they are the golden children but they would probably tear each other’s eye balls out if given the chance.  You were at your most vulnerable and the poo hit the fan. 

            My first advice, since you have already moved away, is to create a new Facebook account and don’t add any of them.  In fact, block them….ALL OF THEM.  I would create a profile and use a nickname instead of your real name.  I also would not share any pictures of yourself or your kids.  With that said lets dive on in to the real advice.

            What do I think? I think that all narcissists have definitely read the same instruction Manuel.  My narcs favorite holiday was Easter too, imagine that!  I have young children and her favorite thing to do was to load them up with candy!  I went through the same experience where my mother would give my oldest son (her favorite) Candy, cakes, soda, and anything else his little 3 year old body desired.  When I objected to this for obvious reasons it was met as a challenge.  They try to play it off by saying things like “but they like it…” “But they are just kids” as if we are being monsters and their behavior of sneaking sweets is cute and charming and how dare us for objecting.  It wouldn’t be a problem is the treats were given in moderation.  The problem is that they are not.  As most normal people know, especially parents, sugar can be a very harmful substance for bodies young and old.  My son too had numerous cavities.  The sick part is when you tell them the pain your child had to experience and the trauma of being tied down to have their baby teeth drilled on, they don’t even care!!!  They don’t care about the child’s pain.  That is why you, as the child’s mother, needs to protect the child from grandma.  If Grandma is repeatedly asked to stop a behavior that is harming your child its time to put your foot down.

            Let me say you handled the situation very well by saying “If you continue this bad behavior then this will be the consequence”.  The consequence being less visits and low contact.  The problem occurred when you made this ultimatum and then you needed their help.  When this happened you opened the gates of hell.  You can’t simply play with the low/no contact button.  We like to think of a narcissist as a child because they behave as one a lot but this is false logic on our parts.  When a child is in trouble and threatened with a consequence of bad behavior or is actually punished, they feel bad.  Children try to make things better.  Narcissists do the opposite.  When a narcissist is threatened with a consequence of a bad behavior “GAME ON!!”  The last one standing is the winner.  If they actually suffer the consequence all hell breaks lose and they become a helpless victim of your irrationality.  What happens when we threaten a consequence of bad behavior, punish the bad behavior with the consequence, and then ultimately with draw the enforced consequence?  Hell hath no fury.  The words you so eloquently put “I became enemy number one”.  You got that right sister and there is no changing it now!  One cannot simply play with the consequence button.  You have two options now; extremely low contact or no contact.  If you try the low contact you must enforce the consequence of the bad behavior right away.  If that doesn’t help the situation make the contact lower and lower until there is none left at all.  One there is no contact you can’t ever go back.  It’s no contact FOREVER.  You will then be faced with a multitude of flying monkeys.  You know the daughters that are told of all your short comings and your “fat ass”.  Then if they know anyone you know, like friends or neighbors, expect them too.  They might not be aware that they are being used as spies and messengers but they are.  You may end up cutting all those people out of your life as well.  The goal here is to surround yourself with people who are supportive, caring, and don’t play games.  You want real relationships of value.  You can’t have these things with a narcissist or their flying monkeys.

            Now when grandma threatened to file the false assault report on you I would have taken her seriously because these old bats know they can get away with it!  That right there is a threat to your freedom because it can land you behind bars innocent or not.  My narcissist, when threatened and punished with the consequences of bad behavior, began to take pictures of my child (her favorite) every time he got hurt.  After we began low contract if my child was hurt on our next visit she would take my child aside and sneak in a quick photo of the injury.  When we were almost no contact my narcissist tried to use these photos to build a grandparent rights case against me.  Grandma began filing false reports to child protective services for abuse as well.  When they make threats that they are going to file a false police report because they are not getting their way, believe them!  Protect yourself and protect your children from the harm that can result from a false report.  You will find yourself under investigation with the narcissist’s word and their stack of pictures in no time.  God help you then.   Trust me, I’ve been there and it isn’t pretty.  You may be innocent but you will be hiring lawyers, getting psychiatric evaluations, and lord knows what else because of the story they concocted.  Don’t let this happen to you.  Enforce your boundaries.  Do not feel bad about it.  I do not need to rehash through your whole post of the reasons why your monster in law is a narcissist, the post speaks volumes.  My advice is to make sure you are familiar with your state laws on grandparent’s rights.  Don’t leave your children alone with her EVER.  Get a free consultation with a family lawyer about the situation.  If she makes threats take them seriously.  Lastly, DOCUMENT THE CRAZY.  Keep a journal of every encounter, times, dates, and witnesses because you never know what kind of crazy she will pull. I know a lot of people say “I’m not going to tell you to go no contact or low contact because this is a decision you need to make”.  The woman you are dealing with does not understand what a boundary is.  Not only does she not understand, if she does, she doesn’t care.  People like this do not change.  There is nothing you can do to magically make them respect you, your children, or your property.  Get into therapy, go no contact, and if you need to leave the city/state if she continues to cross the line.  Moreover, call the police if she shows up uninvited and get a restraining order if need be.  Whatever you do, don’t let this continue.  If you have to work five jobs do what you need just to make sure you NEVER need her help again for the rest of your life!  Good Luck to you!

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

July 1, 2015

Dear Narcissist Problems, where do I ask my question, I need advice! "Losing my Mind"


 
Dear Narcissist Problems,

 

Hi, I just currently was added to the group, but I have no idea how it works. I really, really need some advice. I was casually talking to a friend about my issues on my husband, (I never talk to anyone about it) and she pointed me to a site that promotes you for advice and I really need some before I just run away. Can you help me?

 

 I really need some advice but I do not want my friends to see my request. The advice site you published is public and no way to post private. Can you help me before I lose my mind? I was describing my dilemma to a friend and she suggested I come here because she HAD a boyfriend in the past she is still damaged by the narcissistic way he treated her. I am losing my mind and my heart. I do not want a 3rd failed marriage because I can’t figure it out. I do love him, but I cannot do this anymore. Can you please help me with advice?? Or point someone to me please???

 

To start... I had no idea that of the reason of my anguish about my husband until I was explaining my unhappiness to a friend. I thought him to just be a flirt that would fail me eventually by putting himself into a situation to cheat. The disrespect was often. I knew only a matter of time and I would be another failure. Marriage #3. Can any marriage survive this? Is my initial question. I am not sure my heart can even after talking to his mother that sees it too. Help? The help I need us to emotionally survive it while also not upsetting everyone. Ideas? Please I need them. I am at the verge of breaking down to something I cannot come back from.

Sincerely,

Losing my Mind

Dear “Losing my mind”,

     I know this can be a little confusing with how to have a question posted anonymously so here is the link for the Narcissist Problems Facebook Page.  Please message the page with any questions and the link is here:


 

After sending your question into the page I will spend time reviewing your question and then building an appropriate reply.  This may take a few days if I need more details or information and time to give full thought as to how I will respond.  Most of the time if I need more details about the situation I will send a message to ask.  When the questions are finish I will then post them here:


Here:


Here:


And Here:


Now that we got that out of the way lets focus on the real reason you came here.  You have 2 failed marriages and are working on the 3rd.  I would love to give you advice on how to cope with your situation but I am not sure I really understand the situation fully.  I understand that there has been infidelity, and I am not discounting this but in order to point you in the right direction I would need to know what is going on that is making you feel you are going to lose your mind besides the cheating.  What are your daily interactions like?  Do you have some examples of behavior patterns or how you speak to each other or what you actually argue about?  Why do you feel he is cheating on you or are you assuming he has been cheating on you?  Is it possible that you have been in such fear of infidelity that you might possibly be sabotaging your own marriage?  I don’t want you to have another failed marriage either and if I were in your shoes I would probably be freaking out as well.  My first suggestion, based on 3 marriages, is to ask you to examine your life, specifically your childhood.  How did your parents interact with you and what are your relationships.  Were your parents emotionally or physically abusive?  I’m asking about this because it seems that many people developed relationships in adulthood that follow similar patterns experienced with family in childhood. The big question here is why do you continue to develop relationships that fall apart?  My second and last suggestion is to seek therapy.  You have a pattern of failed relationships in your life and if you want to fix this you are going to need to find out why and then come up with solutions.  There is no quick fix when it comes to change and while I would love to help you figure this out I am not qualified to do so.  Can a marriage survive infidelity?  That would depend on multiple factors but the important thing to ponder is, do you want it to?  I know there are a lot of questions here and less advice but I can’t assume what’s going on in your life or in your marriage.  In my own life I have learned that I need to build solid and trusting foundations with those I let into my small circle.  I tend to my close relationships like I would tend to a garden.  I take care of them.  I remove weeds when necessary.  I pay attention to toxins or parasites that may be killing my garden and proceed with research and knowledge.  The foundation of any relationship is going to begin at home with you.  If you do not love or take care of yourself you will have a really hard time convincing others to.  Good luck on your journey and if you have any more questions please send it to the first link above.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

 

Dear Narcissist Problems, "Highway To Hell"


Dear Narcissist Problems,

If you post this or some part of it - please don’t mention my name. Thank you In February this year, I met a guy on line. We started to talk - he suggested texting, although I was not quite into it we soon started to text a lot 10, 20 texts a day. He told me a few years ago he has been diagnosed with bipolar - but takes medication, and waits for DBT therapy. He said it in context of me working as a support worker in psychiatric services. Before we even had a chance to meet he had cancelled meeting me twice as one time he "got the flu" another time "he had to stay longer at work". He is a very good looking guy, with an excellent dress sense. Even before we met he was frequently asking me questions such as "how are you feeling? What are you up to today?” When we meet - he mirrored my emotions and dreams entirely. Now I see it clearly but at the time - I just thought I meet a really kind and honest guy. He told me a tragic story about his mum commuting suicide and him getting in to foster care, it was odd thing for a first date - but as we already discussed mental health - I didn't think much of it. After we meet he texted me even more, starting making plans for few months ahead - like it would be certain we will be together. He mentioned his exes and described one as being "immature" and another as "being an abusive cheat". He texted me every day from noon till midnight. It was difficult to keep up. I felt that it was "too good to be true" such a handsome guy appeared to be so much into me, but then he seemed to prefer to text me or call me to see me. He has cancelled our plans several times, always giving some "plausible reason" - "work, distressed friend, illness”. It felt it wasn’t right so I told him " I really start to like you, but you keep cancelling on me I feel you are not that much into me, otherwise you would make an effort to see me". He reassured me and said "I will do my best to change it, you are lovely girl, and it is my job to make you feel happy and safe". He appeared to be stressed when I suggested to break it up before it will get too serious. In total we went four times - dating for a month. He asked to be exclusive. We spent hour’s texting. He showed me things he was into - even found me shoes he liked. He told me he had a difficult past - stealing, knife fights, self-harm, but he doesn't do anything like that anymore. Now works in addictions helping homeless people. He didn't push for sex. On our four date we had sex - but just after finishing his phone started to ring, and he run away promising he will see me after two days. Next day he started texting he can’t see me coz his friend is unwell with depression, I wasn't happy with it, he asked to see me after the weekend (as I was working weekend). We continued texting. Tuesday he said he "feels ill and two of his exes started talking to him again - and he wasn’t too happy with it" I said "if both of them are so into you - make them fight the winner can keep you". He said he doesn't want any of them. Wednesday I said I need to talk to him, he said he will get home very late - 12.30 pm and that he feels I guilt trip him about not seeing me - which makes him unhappy and that “I wouldn't have slept with you if I wouldn’t want to see you”. I was tempted to say that we didn’t "sleep together” we "had a 10 minute f*ck session, and I had to check if he didn't leave any cash behind as I felt so cheap after". But I left witticism and waited for him to call me after work. He texted me as promised. It was 12.30 am asked if I still need him to call. I replied "yes" then he didn't call, so I wrote "you must be tired as you don’t call me let’s talk. Tomorrow". He didn’t reply. Next day I woke up around 8 am thinking I am getting played, and that he doesn't even care enough to reply. I wrote " I texted you yesterday waited for your call, I must admit I have fell for you it is pathetic I know but I see you don’t have feelings for me and don t even want to end it in a civil way, wish you good luck”. Then around noon I got a reply “what are you talking about? I didn’t get any texts from you – you didn’t reply to me so I went to bed, and stop being rude and invent issues where there are none – I can call you now if you like”. We spoke 20 min mostly with him telling me how overworked he is, how everyone relies on him, and how he “spreads himself thinly between friends, family and seeing you” Then he said “you made your choice about us – I can’t stop you, although I don’t want to end”. He suggested seeing each other after the weekend, and I agreed. When we finished talking I felt uneasy - “why would he say I am rude? why would he say he didn’t get the texts?, am I not important enough to see me on the day? “So I looked at his Facebook to calm myself down – see nothing dodgy goes on – and then I see him tagged on a picture with a girl – her cover photo. She was wearing the shoes he showed me that was it for me, I felt hurt. I wrote “I looked at your Facebook, as always full of girls commenting on his selfies, you have been out with another girl, I can’t be in competition with others – and she wears the shoes you showed me, I give up”. He first replied with “she is a friend, shoes were a gift – don’t be a child” but then he called me and shouted at me “you have a vendetta against me! I am tired of proving myself to others and you! Leave me alone as I have life to live” then hung up not waiting for my response. I was shocked, didn’t know what to think, nobody ever treated me like that. Then he started writing things like “you make drama out of nothing, I have a right to have friends, as you do. You should apologize to me – you think I am an idiot – stupid enough to date multiple people and plaster Facebook with it?” Then he defriended me on the Facebook. I couldn’t understand what he is on about. It didn’t feel right. I snapped and wrote “I don’t think you are stupid, but hell messed up. What do you want me to apologize? Shame you don’t want to be mates. I will speak to you later, as I am busy”. It felt really bad. He said “Nope don’t want to be your friend, not after what you said” As it felt bad, and I thought that a guy who would care for me wouldn’t act like that, I thought to leave this situation. Next day at evening he texted “ Will you apologize for the things you said yesterday as it hurt a lot” I said “if anything can get better we need to talk in person, maybe I don’t want it to be over yet” I said it coz I wanted a proper conversation and thought he will not see me otherwise. He wrote” When I was 19 a girl died in my arms, that is why I was alone for so long I was hurting, why would I lie to anyone, why would I hurt anyone? Too old for BS games” I read this and it got me creeped out – how dare he play me with a dead body? Truth or not, doesn’t matter – using pity or whatever was that – dead girlfriend - didn’t make me feel safe. I didn’t reply. Next day, he wrote things like “right, if you want to talk you can come to see me near my house for two hours on Tuesday. Yes or no. Answer would be nice as I know you are reading this”. I didn’t reply. Then he was calling left the voicemail, same stuff but sounded a bit nicer. I didn’t reply. This is a bit long – but I wanted to give you full the picture, it finished in April and I still hurt. I went NC, and I stooped myself from looking him up online. When I am low I think about contacting him, but I know that he only would try to manipulate me or shout at me, or be mean in another way. And the thought of contacting him goes away – when I am happier. I don’t understand – how I got so involved is such a short time? or why he wanted me to fall for him? The guy is very good looking so he wouldn’t have a trouble with casual sex, and he knows it. Why he would go out of his way to text and call a girl who wouldn’t matter to him? How I can get over him sooner? Some friends understand, some say “you got played, shame but it is life”. I just need some kind of hope that I will feel better, and that I didn’t mess it up. That is the end.

Sincerely,

Highway to Hell

 

Dear “Highway to Hell”,

     There are so many things going on with this guy that I don’t even know where to begin.  Let me say this first: THANK GOD THE RELATIONSHIP ENDED QUICKLY!!!!!!  I think this guy is a step above a narcissist, he may actually be a psychopath!!!  The circular argument that he created and then blamed you for is the classic narcissistic ploy to keep you on the defense and discrediting your feelings, wants, and needs leaving you apologizing for his infidelity!  The thing that steps this whole situation up a notch is the fact that when he was losing control over you and the situation he brings up the dead girlfriend.  I’m honestly creeped out by this one too.  Two things are going through my mind A. he is a psychopath and he actually killed that girl or B. He is a pathological liar.  The pathological lying is obvious from what you have written but the dead girlfriend, I’m going to believe it.  I’m also going to believe that he killed her, watched the life drain out of her eyes with a sense of pleasure, and then made it look like an accident.  I am so happy you got away from this royal mind fuck!! You got away and you are alive! They say that hindsight is 20/20.  Unfortunately we don’t notice many red flags until the relationship is over and we are left to deal with the aftermath of utter emotional destruction.  The good news is that these encounters leave many of us determined to save others from the same fate so we spend countless hours screaming the red flags from the rooftops in the hopes that others will notice them before it is too late.  The bad news is that we did not notice them before it was too late to save ourselves and we are left to pick up the pieces and heal alone.  One thing that you will notice in your next relationship is to start out slow.  If you notice things moving too fast too soon this could be a red flag of a dysfunctional or toxic person especially if the focus is asking a lot of personal questions and the level of intimacy seems rushed.  While I can’t say that every person we meet online is a bad person but it may be a bad way to start off a relationship romantically.  One of the best self-disclosures he made to you was when he divulged his past to you “He told me he had a difficult past - stealing, knife fights, self-harm, but he doesn't do anything like that anymore.”  Was one of his “knife fights” with the girlfriend who mysteriously died in his arms?!?!?  I hope to god that was a lie to shame you with guilt and pity instead of an actual homicide! Thank god you got away.  The next time you feel like calling this psycho remind yourself that he literally could be a murderer! If not a murderer of humans but a soul murderer, either way you are better off! Did you notice anything missing after you were around him?  I noticed my own narcissist was a kleptomaniac. Moreover, after the first sexual encounter I will bet he may have had that phone call planned ahead of time and the excuse set in stone.  It was probably even his wife. The woman wearing the shoes was probably his wife too. I get the feeling that when your first two dates were canceled maybe he was even in the midst of abandoning his last victim or going through a divorce while love bombing and grooming you to fill that void that was opening.  If the relationship ended in April you still have a long healing process in front of you and I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself.  Think of it this way; you just went cold turkey from the most addictive drug known to mankind, the love/love bombing of a narcissist.  Being in a relationship with a narcissist goes from the extremes of “finding your soulmate” to climbing your way out of hell.  When in a relationship with one of these emotional rapists they sell us our dreams and literally deliver a nightmare.  When leaving any relationship, abusive or not, we always have doubts because we tend to forget the bad and focus on what was good about it.  If things didn’t end well (and usually they don’t with a narcissist and they REALLY don’t with a psychopath) we have a difficult time finding any closure because we linger on what should of, would of, and could of happened instead of what actually did happen.  We begin to blame ourselves for things that went wrong and then we question our own reactions.  We ask ourselves and everyone we know:  Was I too sensitive?  Was I over reacting?  Am I exaggerating?  Was that argument my fault? We have trouble putting the abuse into perspective because we really want to believe that nobody could be that cruel and evil and that maybe yes we are too sensitive, over reacting, or exaggerating what we lived through.  The sad part is that very few people, if any, in our lives will truly understand the type of emotional torture and resulting spiritual conflict that we are going through.  Like the saying goes “You won’t understand it until it happens to you”.  So when we turn to our loved ones or friends (if we have any left at this point) they either will not know how to react to what we tell them or they will tell us to just give it time or just suck it up and move on or Drum roll please, “You Got Played”.  Most of the time this will be the worst advice we will ever receive in our lives.  We need to connect with others who understand the nightmare we just escaped so we can freely talk out our pain without feeling judged or our situation trivialized.  We need to learn from others who have been there to see how they journeyed out of hell.  We need to be inspired by those who did make it out of hell and find the strength to encourage those who are stuck in the labyrinth created by our narcissist.   The narcissists leave us in a maze that seems to have no exit.  Sometimes it is impossible to find an exit and we give up hope of recovery/healing until magically another survivor turns on a light and shows us the way out of that hell.  Good luck to you on your healing journey.  It is going to take time.  It may take years but you can heal from this.  Find a support group with others who have dated a narcissist and get on there and vent, ask questions, learn, and someday in the future you will log into that group and you will read the post of a woman/man who is now in the same situation you are leaving.  Seeing this post you will then realize how far you have come and how much awareness you need to spread to warn the others.  And by others….. I mean the rest of mankind.

Regards,

Narcissist Problems

Facebook